I regret my behaviour

StormWarrior

I always believed sleeping around would just lead to problems, so I saved myself for the bloke I thought I would spend the rest of my life with. I lost my virginity to him when I was 20. Needless to say, it didn't work out and we broke up 2 years later (which was this February just gone)
Well, it was far from the best relationship in the world and after 2 years with him I felt like I had missed out on alot. So, after breaking up, this year I have gone a bit crazy. I met some bloke at a festival in June and slept with him. Then I went on holiday to Germany and made friends with 2 blokes and slept with them too. (not on the same occassion.)

Well one of the blokes, we'll call him Hans, I became friends with and he said I could go and stay at his house any time I was in Germany. I went and stayed with him twice more and slept with him both times.

Now I severely regret my behaviour and I don't want to act like that any more. I am really sorry for behaving like such a slut and I feel terrible about it. The thing is, I had long ago organised, booked and paid for another holiday to Germany which is happenning in 2 weeks. I have to stay with Hans again because I now my money has run out and I can't afford a hotel or even a youth hostel, plus I will have no one to hang out with there. I know its my own fault but Hans will be expecting me to sleep with him and I really don't want to. He can get in really p*ssed off moods when he doesn't get his own way. I don't know what to tell him so that he doesn't expect sex.

My other problem is, what if I meet a really nice bloke and want to settle down. Will he hold my sleeping around against me?

I am just so full of regret!

DawnMc

Hi,
I understand your situation. I had a couple of one night stands after my first proper relationship. I don't think you should feel bad about it, it's done. Try to look at the positive aspects (i.e you've done the sleeping around thing and it doesn't suit you, so you'll move on)
In regards to Hans, is there any way you can stay elsewhere? If not, just make it clear to Hans that nothing is going to happen because if you do end up sleeping with him because you're afraid of him getting moody, then believe me, you will feel horrible after.

StormWarrior

I HAVE to stay with him because the girlfriend who was going to come with me can't now, and I have no one else to hang out with there plus there is NO WAY on earth I can afford to stay somewhere else now. What can I tell Hans so he accepts my decision without getting annoyed?

DawnMc

Just set down the ground rules as soon as possible. Say 'Looks Hans, I know you might be expecting me to have sex with you but it's not going to happen so please can we just hang out and be mates and I hope you'll repect my decision'

NADA

Will he hold my sleeping around against me?

I am just so full of regret!

.

The honest answer is that yes some guys will but other guys won't. I myself won't. It's nothing personal I just would rather be with a more innocent girl.

Skellington

I am really sorry for behaving like such a slut and I feel terrible about it.

you've only slept with 4 people, one of whom you where in a long term relationship. thats not being a slut. and anyone you meet in the future who holds that against you isn't worth your time. and if you feel this strongly about your behaviour why not just not go to see hans especially if he's gonna get pissy with ya for not sleeping with him.

StormWarrior

PunK05 wrote:

why not just not go to see hans especially if he's gonna get pissy with ya for not sleeping with him.

what do you mean?

Catari Jaguar

The Irish national average is 7. Slutty would be having sex with random lads/ girls in nightclubs every saturday night. Like several girls I know. You were safe yes? and Well over the legal age so don't feel guilty. Tell Hans to stick it if he wants it n u don't.

StormWarrior

Punk, I misread what you said just then.
I can't not go because i have spent alot of money on this holiday and i will miss the concert i will see there which i don't want to miss.

Rb

Just tell him nein and make sure he understands that nothings happening.

With regards to will other guys hold it against you, like has been said above you've only slept with 4 people and you regret it. It's not as if you're known as a slut or anything so I wouldn't worry about it.
Personally, if I found out a girl I was interested had slept around an awful lot and/or had a reputation for being a bit of a slut, it'd kill the interest and I wouldn't go near her. But I'm just one of those guys I suppose, some guys are happy to be with sluts though.
Anyway, you know the error of your ways and regret it so theres nothing you can do but move on and forget about it, and keep your reputation clean

Heisenberg.

This post has been deleted.

StupidLikeAFox

^^ Thought that would be an obvious one, jus mention you started goin out with someone! That should make him keep his Hans to himself

Skellington

what do you mean?

i meant dont bother going to germany at all. i was under the impression you were going just to see hans. appologies if thats not the case. but if you go and stay with him, and he thinks sex is in the picture when its not, that'll get him in a ****ty mood with you, as you said he gets in when he doesn't get his own way, which would only ruin your holiday.

j4vier

sorry but i disagree with most of you here,
dont get me wrong i understand that you could be honest when u say u try to change and im not here to cause more troubles then what u already have..
but the point is not how many u slept with , the point is that it took u no time to do it and the feelings behind it are close to none.
just because when u say i had missed a lot, i think that lot meant 1 thing for u.

as for the german bloke, if u are trying to change , dont go. he is a guy and i already pictured him like they guy who only wants 1 thing . he didnt invite you to his house for charity u know


quote "Slutty would be having sex with random lads/ girls in nightclubs every saturday night."

i think we are kinda losing prospective here.
those are even more slutty but that doesnt make her an angel either

Procrastinator

StormWarrior wrote:

I always believed sleeping around would just lead to problems, so I saved myself for the bloke I thought I would spend the rest of my life with. I lost my virginity to him when I was 20. Needless to say, it didn't work out and we broke up 2 years later (which was this February just gone)
Well, it was far from the best relationship in the world and after 2 years with him I felt like I had missed out on alot. So, after breaking up, this year I have gone a bit crazy. I met some bloke at a festival in June and slept with him. Then I went on holiday to Germany and made friends with 2 blokes and slept with them too. (not on the same occassion.)

Well one of the blokes, we'll call him Hans, I became friends with and he said I could go and stay at his house any time I was in Germany. I went and stayed with him twice more and slept with him both times.

Now I severely regret my behaviour and I don't want to act like that any more. I am really sorry for behaving like such a slut and I feel terrible about it. The thing is, I had long ago organised, booked and paid for another holiday to Germany which is happenning in 2 weeks. I have to stay with Hans again because I now my money has run out and I can't afford a hotel or even a youth hostel, plus I will have no one to hang out with there. I know its my own fault but Hans will be expecting me to sleep with him and I really don't want to. He can get in really p*ssed off moods when he doesn't get his own way. I don't know what to tell him so that he doesn't expect sex.

My other problem is, what if I meet a really nice bloke and want to settle down. Will he hold my sleeping around against me?

I am just so full of regret!

For God's sake,
You're only 22!!
Those guys you 'slept around' with...you should forget all about them. Stop beating yourself up over this. If you were careful and protected yourself, then you shouldn't give this guilt a second thought.

The problem, as i see it, is not how many guys you've slept with, its that you didn't think, 'what's in this for me?' before you did.

Think about it...because of what's happened, you now know that you don't like almost-anonymous or un-intimate sex, without a relationship. That's a good thing to know.

So if someone wants to have a one-night-stand with you, you can figure out if they're worth it or not...you are in control.

If they're not worth the weeks of guilt, and by the way this kind of useless guilt will lessen with life experience, then you don't do it. If you really fancy them and want to be with them, then do it. The choice is yours. In other words its not really about if they 'respect' you or not...do YOU respect you? Meaning do you take note of and respect how you feel about the things in your life and how they are affecting you. That’s the angle you should be coming from.

Honestly, stop worrying and put the whole thing down to a learning experience. You have lots more tribulations in store, believe me!
Best of luck!

MojoMaker

Tell Hans you're suddenly straight again, and let him know you've been with a few girls over the last few months and he might back off. If he's gonna get pissy at you he ain't worth being with. It doesn't need to be this complicated, and is not necessarily part of the 'scene'.

spinandscribble

you are not a slut..

you would be a slut if you slept with hans for the sake of him not getting pissy.

so what if he gets in a bad mood? what are you? did you promise him sex? no of course not. best plan is just tell him before you arrive you have started a serious enough relationship with a guy a while before you leave.

that way he has time to adjust to your new friends without benefits status. if he's still in a pissy mood then tbh dont waste your time trying to apease him. he'd be a child to be like that and doesnt deserve your attention.

take the higher ground even if it does mean one little lie that in the long run wont hurt anyone.

iguana

Problem 1: Before you go to Germany tell him you have a new boyfriend, that way he will know not to expect anything. That may not stop him hoping, or even trying, but at least he won't be too surprised when nothing happens.

Problem 2: I can't believe it is 2006 and you are still feeling like this. Can I ask that if you met the man of your dreams and he had previously slept with 4, 10 or 20 people would you hold it against him? I don't mean get an occasional jealous or insecure moment, I mean actually hold it against him to the point where it made you doubt your willingness to continue a relationship with him? People have sex-drives, we rarely settle down young anymore and this means that we tend to have a number of sexual partners.

2, 10, 100 anyone worth being with will not judge you on your past sexual experiences. In fact many men prefer women with a bit of experience.

LegacyUser

'The OP is almost certainly male from his posts here and elsewhere. The 'rules' - for what they're worth - might be slightly different in that company so I'd advise not seeing hans if you can avoid it, sounds like a creepy 'arrangement' tbh.'

King of Kings

the king states (and since I am the king it's the law): You are not a slut so remove that word from your describition of self asap.

if you feel confortable with sleeping with a guy (any guy) that's cool.
BTW hans seems like a friend so what are you ashamed of????

just chill out and remember the notches on bedposts don't matter it's your heart that does...as a guy (29 years old) ...notchs doesn't bother me...genuine ,nice,friendly and attractive people do!!! - they bother me good.

seriously chill out have fun and be genuine...do not worry about numbers or events...

Zombrex

StormWarrior wrote:

I know its my own fault but Hans will be expecting me to sleep with him and I really don't want to.

So? Tell him that. You don't have to have sex just because he wants to, where the hell did you get that idea?

StormWarrior wrote:

He can get in really p*ssed off moods when he doesn't get his own way.

Sounds like a wonderful guy :rolleyes: Are you sure you want to go visit him in the first place

StormWarrior wrote:

My other problem is, what if I meet a really nice bloke and want to settle down. Will he hold my sleeping around against me?

You slept with like 4 guys. That hardly makes you the whore of Babylon

Chucky the tree

Any fella that thinks your a slut for sleeping with 4 fellas and wouldnt go out with you is twat. And a werido aswell.

Thrill

It sounds to me like Hans uses his moods to get what he wants and he may try to pressure you into having sex with him.
If you dont think your strong and confident enough to handle Hans then i would give the whole Germany thing a skip.

BreadBoard

Hi StormWarrior, this may sound a bit weird but it depends on the way you look at it;

This concert your going too, would it be possible other Irish ppl would be going to it? If so I'm sure there would be ppl on boards.ie who are going to this concert. Why not ask them can you stay the night with them? Maybe there's a bunch of ladies from boards going to this concert too ? I'm sure they'd offer to help you out of this situation. I would.

My 2 cents anyway. Best of luck

Carrigart Exile

StormWarrior wrote:

I HAVE to stay with him because the girlfriend who was going to come with me can't now, and I have no one else to hang out with there plus there is NO WAY on earth I can afford to stay somewhere else now. What can I tell Hans so he accepts my decision without getting annoyed?

Sounds like you want to use him and he wants to use you, you both deserve each other

Drift

I think you should avoid staying with him this time.

Hostels around europe are reasonably cheap and there's certain to be people from the hostel attending the concert so that would mean you solve the two problems. Where to stay cheap and who to hang out with.

As for the number of people you slept with affecting future relationships, I know in my case it would probably cause a bit of insecurity on my behalf if I had a gf with a LOT more experience than me, but if she was worth it I'd get over it.

Kell

StormWarrior wrote:

I am really sorry for behaving like such a slut and I feel terrible about it.

Why do you feel like you behaved like a slut? Who programmed you to think like this?

StormWarrior wrote:

My other problem is, what if I meet a really nice bloke and want to settle down. Will he hold my sleeping around against me?

Erm, at 22 you have at least another 12 years to go before you really begin worrying about this. Thats more than half you age left to go. Stop stressing.

StormWarrior wrote:

I am just so full of regret!

What on earth for? For having fun. Please explain who you got your ideas from so I can shake my fist at the them in a threatening fashion.

K-

Talliesin

StormWarrior wrote:

I can't not go because i have spent alot of money on this holiday and i will miss the concert i will see there which i don't want to miss.

And this will kill you how?

Yeah, it'd be a shame to have wasted the money, but maybe you should just think of it as already wasted - it's gone so there's no point worrying about it and if going to Germany is going to not be fun then it's an even bigger waste of money than if you don't go.

If Hans won't get (really get) that you don't want to sleep with him, don't go. At best it's just going to make things awkward and ruin what benefits a holiday can bring.

As for the more general matter of your sexual lifestyle you need to work out in your own mind what's right for you in both general terms (what you think is right and wrong) and specific terms (how you deal with a particular man you fancy).

There's no point in worrying too much about what other people think about your decisions here. A lot of the posts so far have been about whether or not your behaviour counts as being promiscuous. Frankly I don't think any viewpoint here is going to help you - you can probably work out for yourself without anyone saying anything that some people are going to think "4 people, is that all? you need to get out and experience more" and other people are going to think you were wrong to sleep with the first guy since you weren't married to him, and there's a whole bunch of opinions in between.

The important thing is that you weren't happy with how you behaved. If you have a good idea of why you weren't happy then that will help things. Whether its a matter of sexual morality (and in turn whether that's informed by religion, social observation, philosophising or whatever) or of how you felt about the encounters or both, the better an idea you have about what you really want to do with this part of your life the better chance you have of being happy with your decisions.

Which is not to say that things won't come out of left field and surprise the hell out of you, but it's a damn sight better than moving through your sex life under a kind of Brownian motion as you react first one way and then another.

Don't worry about whether what some hypothetical man will think about it. When you're actually with a real man that you're think about settling down with he may wish you'd had less such encounters, he may wish you'd a bit more experience and he may well not give a damn, but there's really no point worrying about that now.

Kell

Talliesin wrote:

a kind of Brownian motion

Does that leave a mess on the sheets afterward?

K-

LegacyUser

'First, U ain't no shlut !
Shure, welcome to de New Oireland.
Ain't everyone 'at it' like rabbits now.

As for Hans. Tell him U have picked up an STD and
you're on medication to get rid of the itch.
I'm shure he'll understand.'

vorbis

this person is trolling right. FOUR partners and she's a slut??? Personally, it doesn't bother me how many guys a girl has slept with (if she'd slept with say over 200 guys then I'd be feeling a little uncomfortable), finding someone you find attractive and get on with is far more important.