Purposely not included

Shelli

Yesterday a very good friend of mine (or so I thought) got married. We had been friends quite a long time and at one time were very close, he even intoduced me to my ex who I was with for 2 years.

When got together with his girlfriend, now his wife, alot of his friends disagreed with his decision as they didn't like her, I was one of the few who gave her a chance and did my best to stay in touch. The bought a house and spent most of their time working on in and we didn't see each other as much, but I thought that we were fine, and he knew that I was there for him should he have needed me.

Then the wedding came around, and I was the only one in our group of friends who didn't get an invite. It really hurts, and I don't understand why. I even found out that he had invited people who were not close friends at all, people he had met through me.

Should I try to talk to him about it? Should I just leave it and not consider him a friend anymore? If he blatantly doesn't consider me a friend should I bother to make the effort?

It's really breaking my heart, I was getting text messages from people who didn't realise I hadn't been invited asking me where I was and why I wasn't there.

What should I do?

Beruthiel

You could just ask how come you weren't invited.

Gordon

This has happened with a few people I know. It may be completely down to the other half's jealousy over you.

Ickle Magoo

Ask why...I can't imagine any excuse he/they come up with will justify not giving you an invite tho - I think if I were you I'd contact them to get it out in the open & either make ammends or say my goodbye's...best of luck

Shelli

How do I bring something like that up? It's stubbornness on my part as well I guess, why should I let him know that I was upset by him if he obviously doesn't care.

Also, I suppose I should leave it a few days? I dont think they are going on honeymoon but I don't want to bring any nastyness up in their newlywed bliss.

Gordon

Leave the dust to settle and then phone him up to offer your best wishes for his new marriage. Tell him that you are hurt that you weren't invited and if it means that he doesn't want to have contact with you then it got the message through, and it's a shame to lose a friend.

Beruthiel

Shelli wrote:

How do I bring something like that up? It's stubbornness on my part as well I guess, why should I let him know that I was upset by him if he obviously doesn't care.

Does it matter at this stage?
This is going to embarrass him more than it will you.
As for bringing it up, call, comment on the fact that you heard they were married, that everyone was asked to the wedding apart from you and you were wondering why. As Ickle Magoo said, no excuse will cover this one.
Your friendship is over I'm afraid, you see, it's easier for both of them this way.

Shelli

If the friendship is well and truely over then whats the point in saying anything, i'm not really one for confrontation.

Problem is, we all drink in the same pub, and while they haven't been out in ages I'm sure I'll see them at some stage. Could be awkward.

Vegeta

Beruthiel wrote:

Does it matter at this stage?

Your friendship is over I'm afraid, you see, it's easier for both of them this way.

yup agree with B

I don't think you can really call him a friend anymore when you weren't even invited to his wedding

brillo

The invite could have got lost in the post. I know of someone this happened to. Major mortification for the poor couple getting married.

Ickle Magoo

Shelli wrote:

If the friendship is well and truely over then whats the point in saying anything, i'm not really one for confrontation.

Problem is, we all drink in the same pub, and while they haven't been out in ages I'm sure I'll see them at some stage. Could be awkward.

The point of saying something is to give a healthy airing to your feelings of hurt & anger. If you say nothing then he/they will presume they did nothing wrong & you let them off the hook all the while feeling angry & hurt & getting no closure. If all you say is true, then they deserve to get taken to task about not inviting someone who has been such a good friend to them - to hell with confrontation, you just need to say you are hurt & angry & leave it at that.

Awkward for whom & why? Awkward for them because it should be. Tell everyone what has happened & that you asked them about it & they said "....". That way everyone knows the story & I can't imagine you will get anything but support from other people who know the couple in question.

Shelli

brillo wrote:

The invite could have got lost in the post. I know of someone this happened to. Major mortification for the poor couple getting married.

They have my phone number, and i know for a fact that they had called others who did not RSVP and checked they had the correct address, I had hoped it was lost in the post until I heard this.

Ickle Magoo

brillo wrote:

The invite could have got lost in the post. I know of someone this happened to. Major mortification for the poor couple getting married.

Most people have an RSVP on their invites & any unanswered invites (due to forgetfulness or non-delivery) should be picked up well before the nuptuals...I think most couples have a limited number of seats available for lots of guests so it's fairly standard practice to check & see who is coming for table numbers, to give to the hotel caterers, etc, etc...

Beruthiel

Shelli wrote:

If the friendship is well and truely over then whats the point in saying anything, i'm not really one for confrontation.

Because when someone acts in such a petty way towards me, I'm compelled to point it out or I'll burst!

Could be awkward.

For them, you on the other hand have nothing to feel bad about.

r3nu4l

brillo wrote:

The invite could have got lost in the post. I know of someone this happened to. Major mortification for the poor couple getting married.

That was my first thought, about two years ago a friend of mine was getting married, I waited and waited for an invite and all my friends got one but not me.

Two weeks before the wedding I bumped into the bride-to-be in a shop and she was all chat. Then she casually mentioned how sensible I was not to waste money on returning the RSVP that came with the invite...she was absolutely mortified when she realised that I hadn't received the invite.

The invite arrived in the post two weeks after the wedding with a postmark saying it had been posted three months before.

Shelli, just ask your friend, there's no need for a confrontation, just a quick, 'Hi, I heard the wedding was great, I'm glad it went well but I was just wondering if there was a reason I wasn't invited. Did I do something to upset you?

If the answer is positive for you then that's good and I'm sure he will feel terrible. If the answer is negative for you then he's not a friend and you need to just carry on having a good time with your other friends.

Shelli

Hmm, I guess I will just have to ask him, otherwise it'll just eat away at me.

I'm scared of getting an answer I dont want to hear though, but I just dont see what I did wrong.

AH well.

Thanks for all the advice guys, just really confirms what I thought already.

LegacyUser

'This happens - and has happened to me a few times.

The pattern is the same. The guy (your friend) meets the girl and eventually falls 'in luv' and forgets about his old pals. In my opinion, it's a real weakness in character.

It's over for U.
But U should wish your friend well in his marriage - because if it all
collapses, he will have nobody - except a small shoebox of a room
(for which he will pay collosal rent) plus a remote control for the TV.

It was pretty bad that U were not invited to the wedding.
But no need to ask for any explanations - the actions themselves
speak louder than words. So, keep your mouth shut - don't let
them see that it is bothering U one little bit.

Time for U to move on.'

r3nu4l

I entirely disagree with unreggie. This is clearly bothering you on some level and the notion that you should bottle up your emotions and push them down rather than rightfully express yourself is not a very good one.

LegacyUser

'

Shelli wrote:

Yesterday a very good friend of mine (or so I thought) got married. We had been friends quite a long time and at one time were very close, he even intoduced me to my ex who I was with for 2 years.

When got together with his girlfriend, now his wife, alot of his friends disagreed with his decision as they didn't like her, I was one of the few who gave her a chance and did my best to stay in touch. The bought a house and spent most of their time working on in and we didn't see each other as much, but I thought that we were fine, and he knew that I was there for him should he have needed me.

Then the wedding came around, and I was the only one in our group of friends who didn't get an invite. It really hurts, and I don't understand why. I even found out that he had invited people who were not close friends at all, people he had met through me.

Should I try to talk to him about it? Should I just leave it and not consider him a friend anymore? If he blatantly doesn't consider me a friend should I bother to make the effort?

It's really breaking my heart, I was getting text messages from people who didn't realise I hadn't been invited asking me where I was and why I wasn't there.

What should I do?

I have an inkling its got something to do with the wife...'

Ickle Magoo

r3nu4l wrote:

I entirely disagree with unreggie. This is clearly bothering you on some level and the notion that you should bottle up your emotions and push them down rather than rightfully express yourself is not a very good one.

I agree r3nu4l...stiffling how we feel about things in order to keep that stiff upper chin is very old fashioned way of dealing with things. If something bothers you, OP, it is much healthier to express that & get some closure on the situation than burying your head in the sand & forcing yourself to pretend you don't feel the way you do. If he ends up in alone in a shoe-box room with no-one but a remote control for company then perhaps he will have time to reflect & regret what actions he took that lead to that situation...

BigCon

My guess is:

1. The wife doesn't like you (jealous etc). Most likely scenario.

2. He has very strong feelings for you and didn't want to be reminded of you on his weeding day. Possible?

3. It got lost in the post. Highly unlikely, seeing as how they phoned other people that hadn't replied.

4. You're not as close to him as you think you are?

Shelli

BigCon wrote:

My guess is:

1. The wife doesn't like you (jealous etc). Most likely scenario.

2. He has very strong feelings for you and didn't want to be reminded of you on his weeding day. Possible?

3. It got lost in the post. Highly unlikely, seeing as how they phoned other people that hadn't replied.

4. You're not as close to him as you think you are?

1. I actually considered her a friend too, and had on a couple of occasions sat with her and discussed wedding plans when they were first engaged.

2. Highly unlikely.

3. Definately not in post as far as I'm concerned, and even if it was it's not a good enough excuse.

4. I dont mean we were best friends or anything, but our group of friends is fairly close knit, and always has been, I'm the ONLY one who hasn't been invited, all the others were, including some of the other girls which are exs of his...another reason I don't think it's just the wife being jealous.

I really just dont know.

I know, I know, there's only one person who can give me the answer to this.

LegacyUser

Going unreg for this cos it kinda happened to me before with the
exception that it was a relations wedding and a "token" evening
reception invite arrived a day or so before the big day.

Surprised I wasn't invited as generally all cousins are invited to each
others weddings - all around the same age and get on well.

Anyways I turned up to the afters, so as not to be rude, and when I was
spotted the bride came over to me and said rather fakely "Oh, we're so
glad you came, when we didn't see you at the Church we thought you
weren't coming".

I held up the invite and pointed out the "Evening" part and there was an
even faker "Oh my God, that must have been a mistake" Blah blah blah ...
(despite that it only arrived at short notice and the postmark was the
day before it arrived)

Then the clincher ... she said
"Oh, the best man was around earlier to collect cards etc so you can give
him yours when you see him" ...

to which I replied

"Sorry, I didn't bring anything as its only an afters session and I came
in to meet up with rest of the cousins"

She wasn't best pleased. I laughed to myself and went on to get hammered
and eat all the sambos and cocktail sausages :-)

Drift

Ok, I'm going to advocate the chicken**** option (sorry about this its unlike me) but I think I can imagine how the OP would feel asking it. So why not stick the following in a text message to him (very important its him not her):

r3nu4l wrote:

'Hi, I heard the wedding was great, I'm glad it went well but I was just wondering if there was a reason I wasn't invited. Did I do something to upset you?

r3nu4l congrats on the wording - its perfect

landser

If he didn't invite you then it seems likely that either he and/or his wife don't like you. If this is so, do you really want to approach him and ask him "why don't you love me" THat's just a bit needy and lacking self respect if you ask me

If it was me, I would do nothing, the rumour mills will start grinding soon enough as to why you werent there and the truth will trickle down to you.

there is another possibliity... maybe your ex was invited and she didnt want you there

Shelli

Yes my ex was invited, I dont know if he went or not though, but we're on ok terms and I really dont think he'd ask that I wasn't invited, he wouldn't be that petty.

brillo

Will you please just ask him? Now that the "gone missing in the post" idea has been ruled out, I too am absolutely dying to know. So hurry up and just send him an email and come back and tell us all.

Shelli

I reckon I will leave it a day or so, they only got married yesterday, and then send him a text as suggested. I will let you all know what happens, thanks again for the advice.

Nevyn

brillo hte personal issue forum is not an online soap opera for your amusement.
I suggest you read the charter for this forum before you get banned.

Talliesin

Shelli wrote:

Yes my ex was invited, I dont know if he went or not though, but we're on ok terms and I really dont think he'd ask that I wasn't invited, he wouldn't be that petty.

Hmm.

Do they know that you and your ex are on okay terms? Do they know that you're really on ok terms or could they suspect that you're both letting on that you're on okay terms so as to save face/save public awkwardness/not look like neurotic messes?

Who's the closest/longest friend, you or your ex?

Could it be that they thought there would be potential awkwardness if both you and your ex were there at the same time?

Sangre

Just send a simple text.

'Hope you had a great wedding'.

Just leave it at that. Take the high road.