Purposely not included

Shelli

Yesterday a very good friend of mine (or so I thought) got married. We had been friends quite a long time and at one time were very close, he even intoduced me to my ex who I was with for 2 years.

When got together with his girlfriend, now his wife, alot of his friends disagreed with his decision as they didn't like her, I was one of the few who gave her a chance and did my best to stay in touch. The bought a house and spent most of their time working on in and we didn't see each other as much, but I thought that we were fine, and he knew that I was there for him should he have needed me.

Then the wedding came around, and I was the only one in our group of friends who didn't get an invite. It really hurts, and I don't understand why. I even found out that he had invited people who were not close friends at all, people he had met through me.

Should I try to talk to him about it? Should I just leave it and not consider him a friend anymore? If he blatantly doesn't consider me a friend should I bother to make the effort?

It's really breaking my heart, I was getting text messages from people who didn't realise I hadn't been invited asking me where I was and why I wasn't there.

What should I do?

Beruthiel

You could just ask how come you weren't invited.

Gordon

This has happened with a few people I know. It may be completely down to the other half's jealousy over you.

Ickle Magoo

Ask why...I can't imagine any excuse he/they come up with will justify not giving you an invite tho - I think if I were you I'd contact them to get it out in the open & either make ammends or say my goodbye's...best of luck

Shelli

How do I bring something like that up? It's stubbornness on my part as well I guess, why should I let him know that I was upset by him if he obviously doesn't care.

Also, I suppose I should leave it a few days? I dont think they are going on honeymoon but I don't want to bring any nastyness up in their newlywed bliss.

Gordon

Leave the dust to settle and then phone him up to offer your best wishes for his new marriage. Tell him that you are hurt that you weren't invited and if it means that he doesn't want to have contact with you then it got the message through, and it's a shame to lose a friend.

Beruthiel

Shelli wrote:

How do I bring something like that up? It's stubbornness on my part as well I guess, why should I let him know that I was upset by him if he obviously doesn't care.

Does it matter at this stage?
This is going to embarrass him more than it will you.
As for bringing it up, call, comment on the fact that you heard they were married, that everyone was asked to the wedding apart from you and you were wondering why. As Ickle Magoo said, no excuse will cover this one.
Your friendship is over I'm afraid, you see, it's easier for both of them this way.

Shelli

If the friendship is well and truely over then whats the point in saying anything, i'm not really one for confrontation.

Problem is, we all drink in the same pub, and while they haven't been out in ages I'm sure I'll see them at some stage. Could be awkward.

Vegeta

Beruthiel wrote:

Does it matter at this stage?

Your friendship is over I'm afraid, you see, it's easier for both of them this way.

yup agree with B

I don't think you can really call him a friend anymore when you weren't even invited to his wedding

brillo

The invite could have got lost in the post. I know of someone this happened to. Major mortification for the poor couple getting married.

Ickle Magoo

Shelli wrote:

If the friendship is well and truely over then whats the point in saying anything, i'm not really one for confrontation.

Problem is, we all drink in the same pub, and while they haven't been out in ages I'm sure I'll see them at some stage. Could be awkward.

The point of saying something is to give a healthy airing to your feelings of hurt & anger. If you say nothing then he/they will presume they did nothing wrong & you let them off the hook all the while feeling angry & hurt & getting no closure. If all you say is true, then they deserve to get taken to task about not inviting someone who has been such a good friend to them - to hell with confrontation, you just need to say you are hurt & angry & leave it at that.

Awkward for whom & why? Awkward for them because it should be. Tell everyone what has happened & that you asked them about it & they said "....". That way everyone knows the story & I can't imagine you will get anything but support from other people who know the couple in question.

Shelli

brillo wrote:

The invite could have got lost in the post. I know of someone this happened to. Major mortification for the poor couple getting married.

They have my phone number, and i know for a fact that they had called others who did not RSVP and checked they had the correct address, I had hoped it was lost in the post until I heard this.

Ickle Magoo

brillo wrote:

The invite could have got lost in the post. I know of someone this happened to. Major mortification for the poor couple getting married.

Most people have an RSVP on their invites & any unanswered invites (due to forgetfulness or non-delivery) should be picked up well before the nuptuals...I think most couples have a limited number of seats available for lots of guests so it's fairly standard practice to check & see who is coming for table numbers, to give to the hotel caterers, etc, etc...

Beruthiel

Shelli wrote:

If the friendship is well and truely over then whats the point in saying anything, i'm not really one for confrontation.

Because when someone acts in such a petty way towards me, I'm compelled to point it out or I'll burst!

Could be awkward.

For them, you on the other hand have nothing to feel bad about.

r3nu4l

brillo wrote:

The invite could have got lost in the post. I know of someone this happened to. Major mortification for the poor couple getting married.

That was my first thought, about two years ago a friend of mine was getting married, I waited and waited for an invite and all my friends got one but not me.

Two weeks before the wedding I bumped into the bride-to-be in a shop and she was all chat. Then she casually mentioned how sensible I was not to waste money on returning the RSVP that came with the invite...she was absolutely mortified when she realised that I hadn't received the invite.

The invite arrived in the post two weeks after the wedding with a postmark saying it had been posted three months before.

Shelli, just ask your friend, there's no need for a confrontation, just a quick, 'Hi, I heard the wedding was great, I'm glad it went well but I was just wondering if there was a reason I wasn't invited. Did I do something to upset you?

If the answer is positive for you then that's good and I'm sure he will feel terrible. If the answer is negative for you then he's not a friend and you need to just carry on having a good time with your other friends.

Shelli

Hmm, I guess I will just have to ask him, otherwise it'll just eat away at me.

I'm scared of getting an answer I dont want to hear though, but I just dont see what I did wrong.

AH well.

Thanks for all the advice guys, just really confirms what I thought already.

LegacyUser

'This happens - and has happened to me a few times.

The pattern is the same. The guy (your friend) meets the girl and eventually falls 'in luv' and forgets about his old pals. In my opinion, it's a real weakness in character.

It's over for U.
But U should wish your friend well in his marriage - because if it all
collapses, he will have nobody - except a small shoebox of a room
(for which he will pay collosal rent) plus a remote control for the TV.

It was pretty bad that U were not invited to the wedding.
But no need to ask for any explanations - the actions themselves
speak louder than words. So, keep your mouth shut - don't let
them see that it is bothering U one little bit.

Time for U to move on.'

r3nu4l

I entirely disagree with unreggie. This is clearly bothering you on some level and the notion that you should bottle up your emotions and push them down rather than rightfully express yourself is not a very good one.

LegacyUser

'

Shelli wrote:

Yesterday a very good friend of mine (or so I thought) got married. We had been friends quite a long time and at one time were very close, he even intoduced me to my ex who I was with for 2 years.

When got together with his girlfriend, now his wife, alot of his friends disagreed with his decision as they didn't like her, I was one of the few who gave her a chance and did my best to stay in touch. The bought a house and spent most of their time working on in and we didn't see each other as much, but I thought that we were fine, and he knew that I was there for him should he have needed me.

Then the wedding came around, and I was the only one in our group of friends who didn't get an invite. It really hurts, and I don't understand why. I even found out that he had invited people who were not close friends at all, people he had met through me.

Should I try to talk to him about it? Should I just leave it and not consider him a friend anymore? If he blatantly doesn't consider me a friend should I bother to make the effort?

It's really breaking my heart, I was getting text messages from people who didn't realise I hadn't been invited asking me where I was and why I wasn't there.

What should I do?

I have an inkling its got something to do with the wife...'

Ickle Magoo

r3nu4l wrote:

I entirely disagree with unreggie. This is clearly bothering you on some level and the notion that you should bottle up your emotions and push them down rather than rightfully express yourself is not a very good one.

I agree r3nu4l...stiffling how we feel about things in order to keep that stiff upper chin is very old fashioned way of dealing with things. If something bothers you, OP, it is much healthier to express that & get some closure on the situation than burying your head in the sand & forcing yourself to pretend you don't feel the way you do. If he ends up in alone in a shoe-box room with no-one but a remote control for company then perhaps he will have time to reflect & regret what actions he took that lead to that situation...

BigCon

My guess is:

1. The wife doesn't like you (jealous etc). Most likely scenario.

2. He has very strong feelings for you and didn't want to be reminded of you on his weeding day. Possible?

3. It got lost in the post. Highly unlikely, seeing as how they phoned other people that hadn't replied.

4. You're not as close to him as you think you are?

Shelli

BigCon wrote:

My guess is:

1. The wife doesn't like you (jealous etc). Most likely scenario.

2. He has very strong feelings for you and didn't want to be reminded of you on his weeding day. Possible?

3. It got lost in the post. Highly unlikely, seeing as how they phoned other people that hadn't replied.

4. You're not as close to him as you think you are?

1. I actually considered her a friend too, and had on a couple of occasions sat with her and discussed wedding plans when they were first engaged.

2. Highly unlikely.

3. Definately not in post as far as I'm concerned, and even if it was it's not a good enough excuse.

4. I dont mean we were best friends or anything, but our group of friends is fairly close knit, and always has been, I'm the ONLY one who hasn't been invited, all the others were, including some of the other girls which are exs of his...another reason I don't think it's just the wife being jealous.

I really just dont know.

I know, I know, there's only one person who can give me the answer to this.

LegacyUser

Going unreg for this cos it kinda happened to me before with the
exception that it was a relations wedding and a "token" evening
reception invite arrived a day or so before the big day.

Surprised I wasn't invited as generally all cousins are invited to each
others weddings - all around the same age and get on well.

Anyways I turned up to the afters, so as not to be rude, and when I was
spotted the bride came over to me and said rather fakely "Oh, we're so
glad you came, when we didn't see you at the Church we thought you
weren't coming".

I held up the invite and pointed out the "Evening" part and there was an
even faker "Oh my God, that must have been a mistake" Blah blah blah ...
(despite that it only arrived at short notice and the postmark was the
day before it arrived)

Then the clincher ... she said
"Oh, the best man was around earlier to collect cards etc so you can give
him yours when you see him" ...

to which I replied

"Sorry, I didn't bring anything as its only an afters session and I came
in to meet up with rest of the cousins"

She wasn't best pleased. I laughed to myself and went on to get hammered
and eat all the sambos and cocktail sausages :-)

Drift

Ok, I'm going to advocate the chicken**** option (sorry about this its unlike me) but I think I can imagine how the OP would feel asking it. So why not stick the following in a text message to him (very important its him not her):

r3nu4l wrote:

'Hi, I heard the wedding was great, I'm glad it went well but I was just wondering if there was a reason I wasn't invited. Did I do something to upset you?

r3nu4l congrats on the wording - its perfect

landser

If he didn't invite you then it seems likely that either he and/or his wife don't like you. If this is so, do you really want to approach him and ask him "why don't you love me" THat's just a bit needy and lacking self respect if you ask me

If it was me, I would do nothing, the rumour mills will start grinding soon enough as to why you werent there and the truth will trickle down to you.

there is another possibliity... maybe your ex was invited and she didnt want you there

Shelli

Yes my ex was invited, I dont know if he went or not though, but we're on ok terms and I really dont think he'd ask that I wasn't invited, he wouldn't be that petty.

brillo

Will you please just ask him? Now that the "gone missing in the post" idea has been ruled out, I too am absolutely dying to know. So hurry up and just send him an email and come back and tell us all.

Shelli

I reckon I will leave it a day or so, they only got married yesterday, and then send him a text as suggested. I will let you all know what happens, thanks again for the advice.

Nevyn

brillo hte personal issue forum is not an online soap opera for your amusement.
I suggest you read the charter for this forum before you get banned.

Talliesin

Shelli wrote:

Yes my ex was invited, I dont know if he went or not though, but we're on ok terms and I really dont think he'd ask that I wasn't invited, he wouldn't be that petty.

Hmm.

Do they know that you and your ex are on okay terms? Do they know that you're really on ok terms or could they suspect that you're both letting on that you're on okay terms so as to save face/save public awkwardness/not look like neurotic messes?

Who's the closest/longest friend, you or your ex?

Could it be that they thought there would be potential awkwardness if both you and your ex were there at the same time?

Sangre

Just send a simple text.

'Hope you had a great wedding'.

Just leave it at that. Take the high road.

Faith

My advice is to ring him (texts can be ignored) and be all casual and say something like, "Hey, how's it going? So I hear you got married." and leave it hanging. He'll have to explain himself them.

DaDa

I think you've mentioned on a few occasions that you hang out with a group of people associated with this newly married couple... but i haven't noticed that you've asked any of their opinion on why?

Sometimes it's good to go fishing for answers close to where you'll get the real answer... tests the waters.. then you can decide if you want to tackle the groom?

Drift

Faith wrote:

texts can be ignored

I think if he ignores a text like that then he's probably the type of person who would lie about the reason if you asked him straight out.

cordelia

Here's how I would view this:
1) If this were a good, close friend I would have sorted it out long before the wedding with a general "what's going on?" conversation. It would be only right and appropriate.
2) If this was someone that wasn't part of my general life I might be hurt, but I would probably not say anything. Your friends know what happened and it's going to come back to the happy couple eventually. I would take the high road and leave it alone. Maintain my dignity. It would make no difference at this point as the wedding is over and I would just be causing myself more angst. This would mean, however, that they would remain only casual, run-into-them-at-the-pub-and-say-hello types. Nothing more. No more invites, conversations, pop in for tea visits.
3) If you do decide to take this to your friend and require an explanation be prepared for a lot of sputtering and excuses. You'll probably get little more satisfaction than you would have by saying nothing. Just mind that you stay calm and don't fall into the whiny, nagging category. Give no excuse to allow him to justify his choices.
4) I think most of the posters are right when they say that his wife was the motivation behind it. In most cases the bride tends to call the shots on the invites and all that. Most brides wield this power wisely and don't become draconian. However, some use it to recall every imagined slight that has ever come their way. Petty, but true.
Good luck.

oulu

Shelli, just to make them feel bad I would send them a small wedding gift, I mean small not spending more than 5 Euro,

brillo

Thaedydal wrote:

brillo hte personal issue forum is not an online soap opera for your amusement.
I suggest you read the charter for this forum before you get banned.

Sorry - hadn't meant to be smart or funny. Hope no offence taken Shelli.

Anyway was thinking about this afterwards again and there may be another possible answer. Two very good friends of mine got married a couple of years ago. One very good college friend of theirs was going with a guy at the time who both of them detested. He had insulted them on numerous occasions etc (without his girlfriend's knowledge). After a lot of talk about it they decided not to ask her to the wedding. So I don't know if you are going with anyone but that may be a possible answer.

Shelli

No offence taken at all Brillo, it bugged me all weekend, had to leave the pub early on Friday because all the talk was about the wedding the day before. In fairness, they were all very careful not to mention it in front of me until they had a few pints in them, and of course with a few pints in me I started to get upset, so I made my excuses and left.

So I texted my friend there a few minutes ago. All I can do now is wait to see if he replies.

Shelli

Reply:"Sorry, it wasn't deliberate. Bwtween trying to organise the wedding and the honeymoon we forgot to invite some people. I even forgot to invite my step brother in London"


My reply:"No bother, was just wondering if you were pissed at me. Glad you had a good day, all the best with married life. XXX"


To be honest I think thats a load of bull****, not bothered gettin into it though. I know he didn't just forget, he invited my best friend, and we're inseperable, we even have the same name, and if one is out and the other isn't people ask questions, we sort of come as a package deal LOL.

Anyway, it's obvious he just didn't want me there. At least I know where I stand now. Just pissed off I spent time and energy in the past being friends with such two faced people.

Ickle Magoo

Sorry Shelli, that's got to be the worse piece of clap-trap I think I've ever heard...unless they put the wedding together over a weekend, you do not forget to invite people - you certainly don't forget to invite people you wanted to be there. The fact he can be so blasé about it speaks volumes. Hope you have better luck finding more genuine friends.

Faith

I agree, that's a load of shíte. I watched my brother and sister-in-law organising their wedding. They had a guest list drawn up about a year beforehand and kept editting it to make sure everyone they wanted was included.

Go find yourself better friends. That really sucks for you, sorry. If I were you, I'd send back a super abusive message, but that's probably not the most mature thing to do.

brillo

It is pure rubbish indeed. If they were organised enough to chase up people for RSVPs, they would have been organised enough to invite you . It was deliberate for whatever reason. You will never know now as he will just cover it up. Surely one of your other friends must know the real reason behind it?

Shelli

I'm sure on of them do, and I'm sure it will come out eventually, I dont want to ask any of them though, it's not fair to put them in that position, especially when they still consider them friends. I have talked about it with one or two of my closer friends, they agree that it was a really ****ty thing to do, but they too have no idea why I wasn't invited.

Drift

Sorry to hear about the ****ty answer Shelli. I don't know anything about the situation but if I had to guess I would say its one of the following:

a.) His wife thinks you're into him and feels insecure because of it.

b.) He's into you and has to avoid you.

py2006

Drift wrote:

Sorry to hear about the ****ty answer Shelli. I don't know anything about the situation but if I had to guess I would say its one of the following:

a.) His wife thinks you're into him and feels insecure because of it.

b.) He's into you and has to avoid you.

That wouldn't surprise me! I would say the wife is the reason behind it!

It could be something silly like your better looking than her and would have looked better than her on the day! Probably not but I have heard similar stories before. Jealousy basically!

I would cut off all ties with these people. At the very least keep your distance but remain polite.

LegacyUser

'SO ...

Was I roigh then or what (see page 1) ?

U just wasted your time contacting him (huggy,
huggy and let's talk it over) !!!

U don't have a friend anymore.
So, go Find a New Friend.'

Shelli

unreggie wrote:

'SO ...

Was I roigh then or what (see page 1) ?

U just wasted your time contacting him (huggy,
huggy and let's talk it over) !!!

U don't have a friend anymore.
So, go Find a New Friend.'

Eh I dont think it was a waste of time, i had to know one way or anther, at least now I know for certain what i'm dealing with (or not dealing with anymore).

And just because you lose a friends doesn't mean you have to go and make new a new friend to fill that 'hole', I have plenty of very good, close, trustworthy reliable friends that I love alot, thank you very much. Your advice or lack of it was useless. :mad:

Thanks to everyone else who did offer some decent advice though.

iguana

You have my sympathy, I have a pretty similar situation with a girl I was friends with for 12 years. She not only didn't invite me to her wedding, but she didn't so much as text me on my wedding day which was shortly before hers.

Not quite sure what to do about it, I sort of feel our friendship is over but I'm also reluctant to let go of 12 years of friendship.

Shelli

It is very hurtful isn't it, it's a once in a lifetime event that they have deemed you 'not worthy' of sharing with.

I too was/am reluctant to give up a friendship altogether, especially one that was so close at one time. But if someone doesn't want to be your friend then there's not much you can do.

Chin up, i fell your pain,

r3nu4l

Shelli wrote:

Eh I dont think it was a waste of time, i had to know one way or anther, at least now I know for certain what i'm dealing with (or not dealing with anymore).

And just because you lose a friends doesn't mean you have to go and make new a new friend to fill that 'hole', I have plenty of very good, close, trustworthy reliable friends that I love alot, thank you very much. Your advice or lack of it was useless. :mad:

Thanks to everyone else who did offer some decent advice though.

Shelli, I'm surprised you even responded to that obvious troll who is obviously attempting to avoid a ban by not logging in! Anyway, from what you said it looks like you are well able to move on. It's a pity that this situation has arisen at all and that your 'friend' couldn't have at least had the decency to tell you that you weren't going to be invited rather than just leave you guessing. I guess that just shows exactly what he thinks of your feelings.

Still, it just gives you more time to devote to your real friends, you won't have to spread yourself so thin anymore and your real friends will benefit from seeing more of you Every cloud, silver lining and all that

brillo

To be honest the most hurtful aspect of it is how public the whole thing is - the fact that you know people are talking about it and wondering why you were not invited, not to mention the text messages you received on the day of the wedding wondering where you are.

Anyway as you said yourself, chin up and focus on the good friends that you know you have.