no sex getting in the way?

littlesurfer

I've been having these problems with my bf for the last few weeks. Basically i had to have a small surgical proceedure about a month ago and we haven't been able to have sex since. It'll be another two weeks minimum before we can sleep together again.

I never thought i was a nymphomaniac or anything but for the last few weeks our relationship has gone downhill. The thing is it seems to be affecting me more. I feel like i want to leave him. We have a holiday booked for early december and so i'm staying to see how things work out till at least then.

I tried to talk to him but the thing is the things that are bothering me are ridiculous and irrational, even i can see that. But despite this i feel so depressed about our relationship. It doesn't feel like its the no-sex thing thats causing these feelings, but could it just be coincidence with the timing?

CathyMoran

I think that in a relationship sex can lead to bonding but it is not the only thing, certainly "dry periods" are hard on both sides as sex is another way of expressing your love to the other person. Maybe you could explore other ways of having fun with your partner in the interim? Your wait will be over in no time, do not give up.

Ruu_Old

Agreed with CathyMoran, I'm sure you can think up of other ways to have fun together.

Tarakiwa

I agree witht the advice given above ........ there is more to do than just have sex ........ loads of fun stuff too!!!

Talliesin

Just what do you mean when you say you can't have sex? Are you in a condition where just about every movement is impossible or hurts too much to have sex, or can you just not have intercourse?

abetarrush

go for a walk

Chucky the tree

If your relationship hasnt turned this bad just because yous havent had sex in a few weeks really isnt a good sign i dont think.

littlesurfer

no i can still mover just intercourse to be avoided for at least six weeks. The thing is i agree, its not a good sign if six weeks of no sex causes this effect...We've been together over a year and a half though

Chucky the tree

have yous not done other stuff that doesnt involve intercourse?

littlesurfer

no we have but after a week or so it just made it more of an issue that actual sex was out of the question. I've been spending more nights at my place than normal. i used to sleep at his at least five nights a week.

Chucky the tree

That really doesnt sound good at all. Is it him that it is bothering or just you? or both?

littlesurfer

God i don't know, half of me thinks i'm craving some kind of intimacy and half of me is just driven nuts by him in general. Today we had a massive fight over someone ELSES relationship! For God Sake whats the point in that????

Chucky the tree

Weel if the only form of intimacy you get from his is through sex then thats not a good thing. And the whole driving you nuts thing doesnt look like your onto to a winner there either.

you try talk it through, or wait till yous can have sex again and see if it improves, but then there would probaly always be that nagging feeling that your just good together when yous are both having sex.

If either of yous decide to go away for a month or something traveling without the other, then yous are really up **** creek.

tbh

This could be one of three things:

1: The surgery has affected you more than you thought (mentally), and all this will blow over in a few weeks


2: There is something much deeper at issue here and like you are projecting on your boyfriend - you are feeling insecure about something and you are picking rows with your boyfriend as a way of taking control back - if you force the issue, he can't. This is all just am. psychology bs on my part by the way, but maybe some of it makes sense to you. If I was to out on a limb, I'd say you maybe think no sex is a bigger issue to him than he is letting on, that if he can't sleep with you he won't want to be with you or


3: maybe you were going off him already and this has just brought it to a head


any of the above click with you?


How did you feel about him before you had the surgery, have you been with him long?

littlesurfer

actually a lot of that makes sense TBh. I get so angry with him but then later when i have to explain why i can't justify it because he didn't do anything....actually maybe he just didn't give me exactly what i want from him. is it wrong that our only source of affection comes from sex??/ its always been normal but as chucky the tree tree says what in the future if one of us goes away! Do we just just selotape ourselves together??

i don't want to throw away eighteen months of a good relationship

tbh

well, the way it used to go with me was:

Partner would do something that would piss me off

I'd make a face

Partner, as they have not done anything wrong, has no clue I'm annoyed

I'd amplify the signs

Partner still thinks everything is grand

Argument starts in my head - with me coming up with issue after issue

Partner still happily drinking tea, chatting away

Partner notices somethings up

Partner asks "whats wrong with you?"

BOOOOOM!


The problem was always that I had a problem with the relationship, but either couldn't specify it, or didn't know about it - the anger I had for the stupid stuff was displaced. It's horrible

I think you need to have a think about what the real problem is, and address that. Take some time out to give the whole thing some thought, try to let it crystallise in your head, and then talk to your partner.

littlesurfer

okay thats exactly what i do.....but the question is are you still with your boyfriend??

tbh

was it my incredible insight into the female mind that made you think I was a girl? only kidding.

I am in a relationship now, and have been for nearly four years - but I don't do that anymore - I realised what I was doing after I'd been doing it for a while, and for me, the reason I ended up doing that was that I let my head over-rule my heart when it came to relationships. I'd meet someone, and because I was keen to be in a relationship, I'd start seeing them even tho I didn't really fancy them. Things would just continue and then by the time I realised what was going on, I'd have to break up with them - but I'd feel guilty and not want to do that, so I'd start picking fights. Once I analysed why i was doing it - and it took me a year to figure it out - I decided that I wouldn't worry about being in a relationship - I'd work on myself to make myself self-reliant, and changed my view of a partner from someone who would complete me to somone who would compliment me, so the two of us would be greater than the sum of our parts. and literally 6 months after I'd figured all that out, I met mrs. tbh and it just worked. We are together nearly 4 years - my longest relationship - and I'm really happy. But thats just me - you could be in a relationship with the perfect guy, but if you don't trust him, it won't work. Or maybe it's something else, but either way, the effects are the same. So, my advice to you is to have a conversation with yourself, and be really honest. Whatever way you feel is ok, and you don't have to justify your feelings to anyone.

littlesurfer

ood advice Mr TBH . think i'l start working on that

littlesurfer

i gave in and did the sex thing....it didn't help

tbh

so I guess that means it's something deeper then just that - well, look, at least you know now. any thoughts yourself? It's important to realise that if you don't love the guy, it doesn't make you a monster. but staying with him with you know you don't love him is weak.

Talliesin

littlesurfer wrote:

i gave in and did the sex thing....it didn't help

Do you think maybe it'd have made it worse - given that you both know there were good reasons why you shouldn't have done so?

littlesurfer

Thoughts??/ I just feel pretty awful in general. The thing is we have a five star holiday booked and paid for for the last six months. its the first week in december.....i just couldn't do it to him before then, he's been looking forward to this for so long. I don't know what to do. but i guess its a decision everyone has to make

and you could be right Tallisin, but he doesn't seem to think anythings wrong, ..seems its all on my side.

Drift

Maybe use the holiday as a chance to sort things out? Only the 2 of you with no distractions.

dr.bollocko

Every relationship has its ups and downs. And a year and a half in, with a cold windy november, and then no sex, can put a strain on a relationship.
I think you have it as a crisis in your head. But if you think about the relationship as an ongoing thing, with ups and downs, it will make this small problem seem much less important.

MojoMaker

Let's be clear here: This issue has nothing to do with sex.

dr.bollocko

Thats true. That isnt what I am saying. But thb if there are sexual problems in a relationship it doesnt mean that every other aspect of the relationship is going to be the same as it always was. Because physical intimacy subconsciously influences your reactions to your partner.



//edit that should be tbh. but now that I look at it, "to honest be" sounds nicer and makes me look intylektual

littlesurfer

think this thread might have become redundant overnight.....anyone have anysuggestions on living the single life
Thanks for all the advice though,...it bought me to a decision finally

hunnymonster

lilsurfer. Look after yourself. Give yourself a while to get over things. What are you going to do about the holiday?

tbh

littlesurfer wrote:

think this thread might have become redundant overnight.....anyone have anysuggestions on living the single life
Thanks for all the advice though,...it bought me to a decision finally

It's for the best. Good luck. Hey, I wonder if you already know the person you'll hook up with next?

maybe that's just a guy thing

Black Swan

Although a very important part, there's much more to a relationship than sex. And in this case, the problem is only temporary, too. There seems to be something else missing in your relationship? Love?