Am I right?

LegacyUser

Ok here's the situation: I've been going out with a guy for over 6 months now. He's been really good to me in a lot of ways and I know that he genuinely cares for me. He's a gym bunny, always been extremely fit and very skinny. He really enjoys working out and keeping himself fit, it's a hobby for him. His family are very gym orientated too.

I'm not. I've tried it, but it's just not something that I'm into. I'm not unhealthy, I do a lot of walking and other activities, but never to a huge amount. I'm not skinny, but definately normal! I'm 5ft 5/6 and a size 12. Average. I have a little weight around my stomach, but tbh it's normal, and I'm ok with it. I might go about changing it to look a small bit better, but it's not something that upsets me! I look better with a little weight on me than when I'm stick thin, which I have been in the past.

I do however have some small issues with food. Nothing major, but every so often I'll have a "fat" day and decide I'm the most awful thing in the world. Tbh it'll usually be more about some other issue in my life that's upsetting me. The worst it's been is where I didn't eat for 3 days. I understand that this was stupid and I have no plans to do it again. The bf knows about my issues with food.

My bf's family cannot understand anyone who is not a stick thin as they are. They are the type of people who if they see some tiny thing about their body, will rush out to fix it. I think that's a great thing for them, but everyone is different. Their logic on overweight people is "why don't they just stop eating? it's that simple. There's no excuse for fat people in the world" This really bothers me because I have a sister who's obsese, purely due to a disease that she has. His mum will often make sly comments about my weight, delighted that she's a smaller size than me when I'm only 19 and she's much older.

Anyway, that's a really long introduction, but I wanted you to have the background. So here's the event:

We were out in the pub the other night with some friends, both were a small bit tipsy. We started talking about stupid stuff. He turned around and said "Well, you know I love you how you are, and that i fancy ya, but well....you know yourself you're packing some extra weight (i am??!) and you should really tone up"

I think this was a really insensitive thing to say to somebody that you know has weight issues. Cue me getting really upset and being consoled by my friend in the bathroom. I wasn't upset in the way that I felt fat or my self esteem was let down, it was more of a case of how can I ever let this guy see me naked again? How often has he being having sex with me, making notes of the area that I could tone up in. Why is he stupid enough to say something like that to me when he knows how I've been stupid about eating in the past.

So my friend went back and had a chat to him about it. She explained that it is NEVER ok to comment on someones weight like that unless you're doing it for their own good, being clincally obese or something! She said he was a stupid pillock for saying anything to someone with food issues. Explained the whole thing to him. I came back to him and we talked and got everything cleared up and he apologised and was extremely remorseful, so I left everything at that, was willing to forget it.

Then last night we were chatting and the topic came up again. He started waffling on, trying to come up with some pc way of putting it again so I would get "hysterical over nothing". His opening thing was that "I know that you're ok with how you look, and it's so cool that you're comfortable with your body for the first time in ages, and I really respect that you don't care what people think about you" He rambled on and eventually I said " So basically you're trying to say that I have a fair bit of weight on me, that I need to lose, and you're trying to highlight it to me, so that I don't let myself go and become fat." His reply...that's exactly it!

I hung up on him. Basically I feel that he was smack out of order. It was never ever his right to comment on how I look. Perhaps if we'd been going out years and I'd let myself go to a point where it was a health risk then maybe. Also the fact that he started by saying that he knew I was happy with how I am, and then proceeded to tell me how I need to change. I think that this makes it his issue and not mine. I let the first instance go to drink and ignorance on the subject, but the second time he was sober, had had the whole topic explained to him, and seen how upset it made me two days before.

I've broken up with him, and I want to know if I've done what's right. I really love the guy and it hurts so much. He's been good to me in every other way. The thing is how the hell could I sleep with him now? Or eat, thinking he was watching everything? But maybe, from his pov, he was just noticing that I wasn't as healthy as I should be (don't have the best diet recently, I've been really busy with work) and he was doing what was right in his mentality?

Sorry this was sooo long, was using it to get some perspective myself!!

Beruthiel

Fatty wrote:

I've broken up with him, and I want to know if I've done what's right. I really love the guy and it hurts so much. He's been good to me in every other way. The thing is how the hell could I sleep with him now? Or eat, thinking he was watching everything?

For you, I believe you did the right thing to finish with him. For your height and clothes size, you are perfectly normal, certainly don't have a weight issue and for him to continually go on about it is both insensitive and thoughtless.
Jeez, if you were 15 stone I'd see his pov, but come on. He is quite entitled to do as he wishes with his time and hobbies, shoving that on someone else is out of the question. Sound to me like he wants to be seen out with a supermodel, who cares what she's like as a person, just as long as the clothes hang good on her.

he was just noticing that I wasn't as healthy as I should be (don't have the best diet recently, I've been really busy with work) and he was doing what was right in his mentality?

Is that the way he came across to you? There is a difference on commenting on unhealthy eating and the amount of fat you carry.
From what you say above, you make it sound like he is talking regarding the latter.
Your eating habits are not good, not eating for 3 days is a problem in my opinion, you need to address that.
We all have days where we eat crap. That doesn't mean you don't eat the next day, it just means you eat extra healthy, plenty of fruit and veg.

Stench Blossoms

You were right to break up with him.

If he really cared about you he wouldn't have said something like that fully knowing it would upset you.

jellie

you were right.

1st of all, men should really know better than to comment on a girls weight in general! most girls are pretty sensitive about the issue whether they need to be or not. Taking into account your issues with food, & the fact that youre not actually overweight (!), he has a cheek to even mention it in the first place.

It was fine to allow the 1st time go, although it was upsetting you could think he didnt think anything of it, fair enough. But to have such a lack of respect for your feelings that hed bring it up again when he KNOWS this upsets you is just not acceptable.

The way I would see it is, if hes doing it now shortly after the first time he said it & KNOWING it upsets you, its an issue for HIM, & it sounds like it would make any attempt at a relationship very difficult.

I think you did the right thing, & i hope it works out ok for you.

angeldelight

You were right.

Firstly, a size 12 is nothing to be ashamed of!

Secondly, as you said he had it explained to him that you had issues with weight in your past, if you had him saying things like that to you continually it could really start to mess with your head, and lead to you being continually upset.

I would say though that maybe now he's had a kick up the rear he might cop himself on a bit. He might realise that there's a lot more to life than what a person looks like.

He knew it would hurt you to say that, it wouldn't do you any good to stay with someone who knowingly and willingly hurts you either

jimmycrackcorm

OP, what will you do when your next BF complains about your weight? My wife tells me I should be going for a bra sizing soon but I pay no heed to her.

LundiMardi

jimmycrackcorm wrote:

OP, what will you do when your next BF complains about your weight? My wife tells me I should be going for a bra sizing soon but I pay no heed to her.

There's nothing wrong with her weight, that's the point. So no one should be commenting on it.

Your wife sounds nice btw

OP: You were right. Out of interest, did he apologise when you broke up with him?

Ideo

you shouldn't have to change to suit/fit his ideals. you were right in dumping him. nobody is perfect but thats what makes us who we are and if he can't get a grip on that then your better off without him

secret_squirrel

You were right.

He obviously had a hangup about your weight, and sub consciously wanted someone thinner.

Forget him and move on.

LegacyUser

'I suppose your bf can choose to not have a relationship with somebody who *he* thinks is \"fat\", but once he\'s decided to go out with you I think it fair for you to expect him to just accept you as you are. You have the right to choose not to go out with somebody who wants you to change something you are happy with about yourself. So I think you were definitely right to break up with him.\r\n\r\nJimmycrackcorm - if you are able to pay no heed to your wife\'s comments then that\'s fair enough. But the OP\'s bf is commenting on a subject the OP already has issues with so I think that is wrong. What if your wife picked on you about something you were particularly sensitive about, be it a physical or emotional trait of yours? Would you bring up an issue your wife is already insecure about in a pub on front of her friends?\r\n\r\nOP I really don\'t think you can have a problem if you\'re only a size 12 at your height.'

Faith

secret_squirrel wrote:

You were right.

He obviously had a hangup about your weight, and sub consciously wanted someone thinner.

Forget him and move on.

Nail. Head.

Annie Bananie

secret_squirrel wrote:

You were right.

He obviously had a hangup about your weight, and sub consciously wanted someone thinner.

Forget him and move on.

/agree

Heisenberg.

This post has been deleted.

Chucky the tree

The Scientist wrote:

He should have known in the first place to NEVER comment on a girls weight. Ever.

All fella's are aware of this (i hope) so i believe he said this because he wanted someone thinner/excuse to break up with you. harsh. sorry.

T.Sc.

theres been a few threads from fellas in the past who have noticed here wifes/gfs put on weight and wanted to know how best to approach the subject, i think thats perfectly acceptable.

however the OP ex does sound like a bit of a clown in this situation.

neuro-praxis

Were you right? **** yes.

jimmycrackcorm

LundiMardi wrote:

There's nothing wrong with her weight, that's the point. So no one should be commenting on it.

Your wife sounds nice btw

OP: You were right. Out of interest, did he apologise when you broke up with him?

My point is that if you can't handle any criticism from your partner then you should really rethink your perspective on what a relationship is all about.

metrovelvet

Sometimes a strange thing happens when you are with someone. You can start applying the strick judegments you make of yourself onto the other person. And in relationship boundaries can get fudged and we can start feeling a kind of ownership over each others bodies.

I think maybe this is what happened to your boyfriend. Perhaps you will feel better if you think of this criticism as having more to do with him and less really to do with the reality of who you are.

Its almost as of the closer you are to someone the less visible they become. Do you get me? So its like hes not really seeing you. You are clearly not fat, but you dont sound like a pussy cat doll either [and tbh you can get a six pack with a bit of body makeup anyway].

What I think you should do is work on your relationship with food which seems to me to be the more pressing issue and become invulnerable to this type of criticism.

Pigman II

Your BF was a prick, his mother was a prick. I'm glad you dumped him. Find yourself someone who'll want you as you are and not as some sort of 'fixer upper' project.

ClockWorkOrange

LundiMardi wrote:

There's nothing wrong with her weight, that's the point. So no one should be commenting on it.

Your wife sounds nice btw

Hypocrisy anyone.. on the the one hand you are telling us that the guy should not have commented on her weight and in the next sentence you are congratulating jimmy's wife for doing the same.. Jesus pick a side and leave gender out of it..

LundiMardi

ClockWorkOrange wrote:

Hypocrisy anyone.. on the the one hand you are telling us that the guy should not have commented on her weight and in the next sentence you are congratulating jimmy's wife for doing the same.. Jesus pick a side and leave gender out of it..

Sarcasm anyone?

LundiMardi

jimmycrackcorm wrote:

My point is that if you can't handle any criticism from your partner then you should really rethink your perspective on what a relationship is all about.

You think a relationship is about calling your other half ''fat'' in no uncertain terms? Maybe you need to think about what you think a relationship is all about?

DemonOfTheFall

ClockWorkOrange wrote:

Hypocrisy anyone.. on the the one hand you are telling us that the guy should not have commented on her weight and in the next sentence you are congratulating jimmy's wife for doing the same.. Jesus pick a side and leave gender out of it..

So many people on boards really need their sarcasm detectors fixed / upgraded / installed in the first place.

nando

ClockWorkOrange - I think it's fairly obvious that was sarcasm.

Jimmycrackcorm - do you really think telling your girlfriend they are fat in pub on front of her friends is ok? Especially when it's already a sensitive issue! You may be able to handle *your* wife's remarks about your size but I'm sure there are other topics your more sensitive about that you wouldn't find so easy to deal with if she brought them up in a public situation.

Bringing up a serious weight issue that has developed during the course of the relationship is one thing if done with some sensitivity but this is making an issue of somebody who is a normal size, has probably been the same size since they met (they're not together that long) and doing it in a very insensitive way.

CathyMoran

You did the right thing to leave him, he was very insensitive and deliberatly cruel. You are not in any way fat let alone overweight and even if you had been he should never have brought up the issue in such an insensitive way.

LegacyUser

'

LundiMardi wrote:

There\'s nothing wrong with her weight, that\'s the point. So no one should be commenting on it. \r\n\r\nYour wife sounds nice btw\r\n\r\nOP: You were right. Out of interest, did he apologise when you broke up with him?

\r\n\r\nso don\'t judge for some reasons but judge for others..'

LundiMardi

are you on drugs or something?

Ickle Magoo

Having a spouse comment on weight gained within the length of the marriage is a completely different kettle of fish to a bf telling his gf of six months that she should lose weight when she isn't actually overweight. :eek:

OP,

You did exactly the right thing. Either your partner wants you for who you are or they want you as a trophy. If all he could think about was your minor imperfections then you are waaaaay better off without him. Find a man who will appreciate you - all of you. Unless it was seriously affecting my health, I wouldn't expect a partner to comment on my weight. If it is just for aethetics & his ego, I would pack his bags.

Kolodny

Fatty wrote:

I think that this makes it his issue and not mine.

Absolutely. Sounds like it's an issue with his family in general. Better to get out now with your self-confidence intact.

The Sweeper

You were right

But if you've picked the unreg'd username 'Fatty', on top of the other food-related issues you've highlighted in your post, I think you have some eating issues you need to address.

NB: This does not mean "cop onto your eating and become thinner". This means you have to be comfortable with yourself and your food.

Daithio

I'm not so certain you were right OP. He's an idiot for commenting on your weight in that way, but by the sounds of things you still really like him. If his whole family is so weight obsessed he probably just has a pretty ****ed up perspective on these sort of issues, hence the insensitive way he confronted you about it. I personally don't think this is a serious enough issue to dump somebody over, he was insensitive yes, but if you really like the guy I'd recommend talking about it rather then dumping him over it.

Black Swan

Fatty wrote:

I've broken up with him, and I want to know if I've done what's right. I really love the guy and it hurts so much. He's been good to me in every other way. The thing is how the hell could I sleep with him now? Or eat, thinking he was watching everything? But maybe, from his pov, he was just noticing that I wasn't as healthy as I should be (don't have the best diet recently, I've been really busy with work) and he was doing what was right in his mentality?

He was into physical fitness, you were not? Seems like you didn't fit as a couple? But not knowing you personally, or him for that matter, we cannot decide if you were right, can we? You have to make your own decisions and then live by them?