Desperate!

LegacyUser

Im a female in my late twenties and im desperate! Im intelliegnt,fun and good looking but I cant seem to find a boyfriend. I realise I ooze desperation and this turns lads off but I just cant help it cos I AM desperate!Im so sick of being single when all my friends are coupled up. I try and go out and not act desperate but somehow I know they can sense it off me. I havent been on a date in the last two years and I know Im a nice person,with lots of friends etcetc and so I know its probably my desperation scaring guys off.
How can guys sense this?and how do I stop myself from appearing so desperate?

LegacyUser

well i know how ya feel. thought itd be best not to start a new thread on this and just write in on this one.

The thing is I'm like the OP except i am 99% certain that I don't come off desperate. That's not the thing putting guys off...I don't know what it is. I have lots of friends - good social life and I have a lot of male friends (but none that I have or ever will fancy) but I just never get the guys. I think I'm a fun enough person but I'm not good looking - even still I think I would be able to attract the odd guy. All my friends can get guys - some just have flings and others have serious relationships but I've had neither of those things! It sucks. Men suck. :P

Red Alert

I've been on the receiving-end of a desperate girl.

I met her when a friend brought her along for coffee. She seemed very nice, interesting and could hold an interesting conversation. So I rang my friend later that night for a chat and the girl's name came up in conversation. I said she was nice enough and the friend said she was interested in me too.

I was quite stressed at the time as I was studying for my finals, and given my record of dossing all year I was really pulling all the stops out to do a good job. To be honest I couldn't even have been bothered with random scores on nights out at that stage.

Meanwhile, she had obtained my phone number and texted me one night. So we were texting back and forth. However, I was pretty upfront at the time that the exams were no 1 and it just wasn't a great time for a relationship.

I think she thought she could just ignore this interesting fact, and I suppose I didn't just give her the brick wall reply. However it got to the stage that she was texting me continuously all the time. If I didn't reply instantly (which i often don't as i leave my phone around the place), i'd get the same text 3 times in the space of an hour.

Things never really happenned between us for a variety of reasons. I think if she hadn't been so needy, and had just played it a bit cooler i might be going out with her now. As a guy I used to be like that, and it's only in the past few years I've calmed down a bit and as a result I find it much easier to get on with women. (I notice you've got a lot of male friends, I have at least as many female as male friends - sometimes I think it's a good thing, other times i don't).

I'm friends with her now, and it turns out she never went out with anyone for more than 30 minutes (her words, not mine). I do feel sorry for being a bit harsh with her, because she is a really nice person.

I think the old saying that you won't find what you're looking for comes into play here. Hope that helps, post any more questions and i'll try to go through them as best I can. Good luck

LegacyUser

girls im totally with you. i'm in my mid twenties and although i've been on a date or two in the last couple of months - even desperation would not allow me to go out with any of them all i seem to attract are obnoxious arrogant ass****s. even last week a male friend who i'd know chat to but not good friends with - i'd arranged to meet for dinner and he rang me when he was 10 mins late to inform me 'something important had come up' and he'd call wed to reschedule - never did. what am i doing wrong? on the one hand sick of being single and yet unwilling to put up what i can only describe as bull****. I'm more or less the only single girl in my group, turning into a long running joke amongst everyone. i just don't know what im doing wrong or what to do???

SueL

I think guys think a girl is "desperate" for a relationship when they try too hard to get with them. Maybe hold back a little, and let them do the chasing, they seem to like it.. Guys are always attracted to a confident girl who seems self-sufficient and happy in herself. Its a hard one really, cos you'll want to seem keen, so the thing is not to be aloof either when you're coming across all cool, or "breezy" as Monica Geller would say! Hope this makes some sense, men are funny creatures!!

Ava

i don't think op is actually desperate - more confused about why a funny intelligent good looking girl can't get a date. i've had a bad run datewise recently - ugh is all i can say! men are weird think they just decide oh i'll settle down at x yrs and any girl on their radar will do at that random point - or maybe that's cynicism.
one point op if you're out in a big group largely couples boys may find it harder as unsure if you're with one of the boys. try a girlie night of cocktails, dancing and cheekiness to draw in the boys. woo woo!

BigCityBanker

Relax. seriously just relax. there is nothin worse than having a desperate girl after you - im serious it is sooooo annoying (just deleted 100+ txt msgs). If ur putting out the desperate vibe ul av little joy. Being a guy I shouldnt promote the "treat em mean and keep em keen" approach but perhaps you should try it.

Also - there are very few men out there who will refuse a girl if she walks up to him, talks to him and then asks him for a dance and kisses him in a nice relaxed manner. try it... failing that try the blind date approach with some guy you meet on the internet like the other thread which is currently on this forum.

good luck,

BCB.

LegacyUser

I'm a male in my twenties and from a guys point of view I think these are two very good points, especially BCBs.

BigCityBanker wrote:

Also - there are very few men out there who will refuse a girl if she walks up to him, talks to him and then asks him for a dance and kisses him in a nice relaxed manner. try it...

Ava wrote:

one point op if you're out in a big group largely couples boys may find it harder as unsure if you're with one of the boys. try a girlie night of cocktails, dancing and cheekiness to draw in the boys. woo woo!

The key thing is to remember that there are plenty of guys out there (ie. me!!) looking just as hard for a nice girl as you are for a nice guy . So chat to lots of guys, flirt a bit ...... if a guy's not your type then move on and if he seems nice then you do some of the running but not it all, relax from time to time just to make sure he feels the same way. You can't make someone want you afterall.

LegacyUser

Im a guy in my early thirties and Im in almost exactly the same boat.

Its been a year since i got out of my last relationship and boy have things changed. Whereas in my twenties i would literally be beating off girls with a stick, Women just dont seem interested anymore. I can only assume its me being more down on myself in the last year and that being obvious.

If you find an answer let me know

Steyr

OP ( Desperado ) where you from? I know how ya feel im Male,23,Galway City.

dellas1979

Look ammmmmmmm.

I dont think that coming across as desperate is your problem.

You seem too self-conscious. I think you might be a bit paranoid.

A few tips on meeting men (I would like to point out, these are only my tips and opinions - coming from a female):

1. Dont be scared to smile at a man. Men can need encouragement. There is nothing worse than spotting a woman/man, and he/she looks at you with a big scowl on her face. On the other hand, no big joker smiles either (looks a bit crazy). You need to subtley give the hint of a smile. More of a "come here, I am approachable" smile. You will need to practice this. Practice on any fella you can. DONT BE SHY. You can only win if you try.

2. The older you get, the less chance of meeting men in a pub, club etc. Keep a wide-eye out for guys you work with, friends of a friend etc.

3. Be broadminded. The guy you think is horrible and would never talk to could be the love of your life. You need to give everyone a chance.

4. Please, for the love of god, when pulling men, dont wear small tiny, boob showing tops. The reason they want to get near you is to see down your top. I am not joking. Cover-up. Use wit, smiles and charm to woo them. Once caught, then dress how you like.

5. Dress sense again. The more pruned and preened us girls are, the more unapproachable we look. Im sorry but we do. Maybe go out in jeans and a t-shirt instead of a skirt and a high pair of boots.

6. Being over confident. I see this all the time with ladies. Marching (no, not walking) to the toilet/bar in a "get out of my way IM coming". Very intimidating. And not very attractive.

the Guru

Girls PM me I have a friend in Dublin that would love to go on a date - Serious, I will send you his number and you can take it from their. He finds it really hard to meet nice women. and he is a great, funny, intelligent guy I would date him if I liked boys :-)

tbh

desperado2 wrote:

Im a female in my late twenties and im desperate! Im intelliegnt,fun and good looking but I cant seem to find a boyfriend. I realise I ooze desperation and this turns lads off but I just cant help it cos I AM desperate!Im so sick of being single when all my friends are coupled up. I try and go out and not act desperate but somehow I know they can sense it off me. I havent been on a date in the last two years and I know Im a nice person,with lots of friends etcetc and so I know its probably my desperation scaring guys off.
How can guys sense this?and how do I stop myself from appearing so desperate?

Why are you so desperate to meet someone? Why do you think you'll be happier in a relationship than you are as a single person? What do you think you are currently lacking that you will only get in a relationship?

work on that side of things, and don't rely on anyone else to complete you. Once you have that sussed, you'll be beating them off with a stick.

miamee

the Guru wrote:

Girls PM me I have a friend in Dublin that would love to go on a date - Serious, I will send you his number and you can take it from their. He finds it really hard to meet nice women. and he is a great, funny, intelligent guy I would date him if I liked boys :-)

Ooh look it's Cilla in the house

Motley Crue

desperado2 wrote:

Im a female in my late twenties and im desperate! Im intelliegnt,fun and good looking but I cant seem to find a boyfriend. I realise I ooze desperation and this turns lads off but I just cant help it cos I AM desperate!Im so sick of being single when all my friends are coupled up. I try and go out and not act desperate but somehow I know they can sense it off me. I havent been on a date in the last two years and I know Im a nice person,with lots of friends etcetc and so I know its probably my desperation scaring guys off.
How can guys sense this?and how do I stop myself from appearing so desperate?

imdesperate2 wrote:

well i know how ya feel. thought itd be best not to start a new thread on this and just write in on this one.

The thing is I'm like the OP except i am 99% certain that I don't come off desperate. That's not the thing putting guys off...I don't know what it is. I have lots of friends - good social life and I have a lot of male friends (but none that I have or ever will fancy) but I just never get the guys. I think I'm a fun enough person but I'm not good looking - even still I think I would be able to attract the odd guy. All my friends can get guys - some just have flings and others have serious relationships but I've had neither of those things! It sucks. Men suck. :P

I read both of these posts and feel so sorry for these girls because me and (some) of my friends who are single would prob gladly go out with them or talk to them in a bar no problem. the fact is that girls in ireland, in my opinion, seem very uninterested in Irish guys in general and thats why me and my mates have such a hard time. its a pity, because you say men suck but i say that women suck because its very rare u can find one to approach who wont bite ur head off lol

CathyMoran

Unfortunatly it is true that you only find someone when you are happy being with yourself. For me all my relationships happened when I was actively avoiding relationships, some happened at the worst possible time. There was one time when I met my first love and then the man that I am going to marry within 3 weeks of one another.

BigCityBanker

OP - Any joy?

LegacyUser

'BCB,\r\n\r\nyou seem to give a good male perspective. so how about some advice on this.\r\nguy i know - won\'t go into how for obvious reasons. basically been a bit of texting and calls of late. anyway was meant to have dinner with him sat but something came up (his end) and he said he\'d give me a call sunday to reschedule. he never did - now if i havent heard from him by this weekend. could i give him a call or should i just leave it? don\'t want to appear \'desperate\'. i realise he could be too busy to call, but if interested i\'m sure he\'d make the time. argh any advice?'

the_syco

Meh. Used to be desperate, but I gave up giving a sh|t. I think its better this way, as your entire weekend isn't spent trying to score. Sure, a gf would be nice, but screw it, if it happens, it happens, but life goes on.

=-=

Oh, and someone recommended jeans and a t-shirt, its pretty much spot on advice. Nothing too trashy, but a pair of figure hugging jeans, and a matching colour-wise t-shirt would be more approachable than some girl dressed up to the nine's, as such.

=-=

Off-Topic, but I'm surprised someone hasn't asked the A/S/L question, only to get a banning from Beruthiel.

Motley Crue

Motley Crue wrote:

its very rare u can find one to approach who wont bite ur head off lol

ha ha yeah i only turned my head away laughing from my group of friends on a night out the other night and happened to do it right as a girl was passing by and she looked and scowled at me as if to say in your dreams pal. I wasnt even looking at her and wouldnt give her a 2nd look at that. Some of the irish women are unreal for attitude and its genuinely nice girls who suffer

To the op just try the pull/push technique where you are encouraging flirtation yet leaving the man in a bit of uncertainty.

Black Swan

Stop looking! Try a different track. What do you really like to do? Join a group that has this same interest as you (and has plenty of lads as members) and enjoy doing it with them. Become one of the most enthusiastic members, and you will attract them to you without trying.

turbot

desperado2 wrote:

Im a female in my late twenties and im desperate! Im intelliegnt,fun and good looking but I cant seem to find a boyfriend. I realise I ooze desperation and this turns lads off but I just cant help it cos I AM desperate!Im so sick of being single when all my friends are coupled up. I try and go out and not act desperate but somehow I know they can sense it off me. I havent been on a date in the last two years and I know Im a nice person,with lots of friends etcetc and so I know its probably my desperation scaring guys off.
How can guys sense this?and how do I stop myself from appearing so desperate?

OP - you need to cop-on.

Maybe you should replace "desperate" with "person behaving as selfish, depressive, clingy, vampyric victim" and you'll have a more apt description.

Please answer the following questions:

In the last week, how many guys have you set out to make feel good about themselves? How did you achieve this?

What have you actually done to get a date in the last two years?

Do you think you're capable of making it so a guy who spends some time with you can have a really good time? If so, how?

LegacyUser

'

turbot wrote:

OP - you need to cop-on. \r\n\r\nMaybe you should replace \"desperate\" with \"person behaving as selfish, depressive, clingy, vampyric victim\" and you\'ll have a more apt description.

\r\n \r\nBut Im not a clingy person at all in relationships. Its just trying to get a boyfriend that I am desperate! And Im not a selfish person at all. I am a total doormat and I think guys percieve this as easy and desperate.\r\n\r\n \r\n\r\n

turbot wrote:

In the last week, how many guys have you set out to make feel good about themselves? How did you achieve this?

\r\n\r\nI am generally always really nice to guys. Im always pleasent to guys and I always give nice compliments. But I think guys percieve this as trying a bit too hard,even though I am genunily trying to me nice. If a guy chats me up in a club I always chat back to him and have a laugh but then he always walks off or doent ask for my number.\r\n\r\n

turbot wrote:

[What have you actually done to get a date in the last two years?

\r\n\r\nWhat havent I tried. Ive joined clubs,gone on blind dates,u name it Ive done it.I have never once been asked out by a guy on a nite out or in any of the clubs Im in. As for in pubs guys never ask for my number and Im sick of suggesting giving me mine cos then they just think Im desperate and dont reply to my text.Then my self esteem just plummets,so I dont bother giving guys my number unless they ask for it.\r\n\r\n

turbot wrote:

[Do you think you\'re capable of making it so a guy who spends some time with you can have a really good time? If so, how?

\r\nI am a fun person to be with. I have had great relationships in the past and all the guys have been mad about me cos I am generally nice ,caring etc. This isnt a thread to big myself up though. Also I know its not my looks cos I am considered very good looking,but I dont have a big head about the way I look.'

ferdi

look, some of us are fated to be sad depressed and lonely forever, the sooner we accept this the quicker we can get on and acheive our ultimate destiny of dying alone.

who? bitter? me?

CerebralCortex

It's strange how I find it next to impossible to meet girls, yet there are loads of women out there desperately looking for me.
I am totally confused Ted.

humanji

OP, maybe you should just give up looking. I've been single and desperate for quite some time and basically the more you work yourself up, the less chance you'll have of meeting someone. Try to remember that guys are people too. Just try to be friendly with people. If it goes somewhere then ok, if it doesn't, then so what. Just relax. Or else become as bitter and twisted as Ferdi and me!

A Primal Nut

imdesperate2 wrote:

I have a lot of male friends (but none that I have or ever will fancy) but I just never get the guys.

Pickiness? Standards too high?

LegacyUser

'

A Primal Nut wrote:

Pickiness? Standards too high?

\r\n\r\nStandards too low more like it I remember when I was younger I used to meet the most horrible-looking, pervy guys in discos because no decent guy would ever approach me. \r\n\r\nMy God, does that make me sound like a depresso! haha\r\n\r\nNo but, I have a lot of male friends but even if I was interessed in them I know they\'re not interessed in me! And they\'re not exactly the ones who get the girls either. They\'re sweet, really really nice but just friends is all. '

mefifi

I started going out with a guy a few months ago - first boyfriend in years! I think this is because but until then I had been pinning for my ex and not feeling too good about myself in general. It was the first time for ages I was happy with my self and in my own skin and happy being on my own and thats when he came along - on a night I least expected it and was certainly not LOOKING for a man.

Unfortunately its all off now. Bit broken hearted so looks like I'll be single for sometime again!

finnpark

imdesperate2 wrote:

none that I have or ever will fancy

Thats your problem. You have standards!!!! Your just too fussy:p

Gillo

BigCityBanker wrote:

failing that try the blind date approach with some guy you meet on the internet like the other thread which is currently on this forum.

How come I never saw that thread??

On a slightly more serious note; OP, one thing I've noticed over the years is that if you much at all you can sometimes come across as desperate, from my experience I've found that I've met more women when I'm not really "looking".

Why not just try just chatting to guys for a chat not so you can meet then again, you may well be surprised?

Just my two cents...


Having read this and other similiar threads, I'm starting to wonder why there isn't a singles forum or hell why not push the boat out and have a single's beers..