Desperate!

BigCityBanker

calicintre wrote:

'BCB,\r\n\r\nyou seem to give a good male perspective. so how about some advice on this.\r\nguy i know - won\'t go into how for obvious reasons. basically been a bit of texting and calls of late. anyway was meant to have dinner with him sat but something came up (his end) and he said he\'d give me a call sunday to reschedule. he never did - now if i havent heard from him by this weekend. could i give him a call or should i just leave it? don\'t want to appear \'desperate\'. i realise he could be too busy to call, but if interested i\'m sure he\'d make the time. argh any advice?'

mnah, sounds like you should be forgetting about it tbh. Firstly if I had plans to meet with a girl I wouldnt cancel at short notice (even if I didnt like her), secondly if I told a girl id call her on a certain day - well I would still call her (even if I didnt like her).. sounds like bad news on this front for you - if a chap hasnt the decency to honour commitments or make a phone call well then im not sure this is the sort of character anybody would want to hooked up with.

OP - chin up - im sure if you fish in the right pools ul pick something up. I always find that picking women up is like waiting on a bus - u wait for ages and then 3 or 4 come along at the same time. All u need is one score/date to restore your confidence and ul be right as rain. (yn)

Esel

Think there is a Personals section on www.adverts.ie now? Or try the next Boards Beer.

turbot

Right so.

If you are genuinely decent and very good looking, then your issue might be that guys are actually intimidated by you and dont think they have a chance with you so don't bother.

They may read your desperation as false friendliness.... thus you need to learn to become a big tease. Aim to be the sexual fantasy of each guy you meet for the rest of his day, without letting him be aware this is what you are doing.

If you PM me a picture, I'll give you a blokes opinion if the so pretty you're intimidating thing is likely to be the case. If you're really fantastically gorgeous and not a psycho, I might even meet you for coffee.

Do you work out?

Can you dance?

Do you consider yourself to be good in bed?

I know several women who are very pretty who have said their issue is not that they are unattractive, but basically guys assume they don't have a chance, and consequently they are lonely.

Also; what are you looking for in a guy? There are 3 billion men in the World. It's technically very difficult to put such a large number of guys off....

Doodee

having spent 5 nights + working behind a busy city center bar and watching the social interactions of people both looking and not, I can tell you from experience that its not that you can't find the right guys but that yu dont seek the right guys. tis fairly easy to be subtle in your approach to men aswell as picking out the one you want.

if you like do it in 3 steps,
Start with a smile, wink or eyelocking followed if you will by a whisper to a mate and a pointing out in his direction (attracting your friend to his attention) this requires him to be watrching, also never approach a group by yourself, always bring a friend.

After your initial step either repeat once or twice (not a million times) before beconning (if he is still looking over) or else placing yourself in a position to fhat with him.

If you havent received a number after some chatting, drop him yours. so long as you dont sleep with him that night you can be as seductive as you want without being a slut.

now it wont work all the time but for the majority of women i've seen do this to both punters and my fellow workers it has been successful, at the end of the day though, if they aint looking for a woman then your not gonna snag em so dont stalk.

alternatively check out
http://www.adverts.ie/showcat.php?cat=7

or

http://www.adverts.ie/showcat.php?cat=6


good luck.

LegacyUser

thanks for that bcb,
actually he sent flowers yest and called mid morning, so possibly give him a second chance. i do certainly see your point though thanks or the input.

LegacyUser

'

humanji wrote:

the more you work yourself up, the less chance you\'ll have of meeting someone.

\r\n\r\nWhy is this tough?Can guys really sense this desperation?'

Dragan

imagirl wrote:

'\r\n\r\nStandards too low more like it I remember when I was younger I used to meet the most horrible-looking, pervy guys in discos because no decent guy would ever approach me. \r\n\r\nMy God, does that make me sound like a depresso! haha\r\n\r\nNo but, I have a lot of male friends but even if I was interessed in them I know they\'re not interessed in me! And they\'re not exactly the ones who get the girls either. They\'re sweet, really really nice but just friends is all. '

To be honest I see a lot of self image problems going on here. You describe yourself as fun, intelligent and good looking but you also assume that you are desperate, that there is something wrong with you simply because you do not have a boyfriend.

First of all, let me say the dating game is rubbish, complete and utter. Two strangers meet up and one is worrying about if he/she has choosen the right resturaunt and the other is worrying about is he/she appears to be funny. The reason a lot of people hook up in clubs is that lack of "requirment" your attracted or your not. A lot of people meet partners through friends, working the referal system " Your mate Angie is hot….hook me up!" etc.

Dates are garbage, plain and simple because people always do them wrong! They sit there trying to advertise themselves and hope the viewer wants to buy. That really is desperate.

From your post is seems to me like your more trying to convince yourself of the good aspects that I am sure you do possess, rather than being confident of them. Any girl who is fun, intelligent and goodlooking ( pretty much the top three for any guy to be attacted to ) will be doing well, once she can believe that she is those things. I have said many times on this board that confidence really does stand for a lot, so be confident in yourself.

You really don't need a boyfriend to complete you, I hate that whole idea. A partner should compliment you, you should be good together, but to say that you NEED them is a diservice to yourself.

Forget the dating game, forget the whole idea that you really need a boyfriend to be happy. Don't get me wrong, I have been single 8 months after a 2.5 year relationship and sometimes I miss the whole relationship thing….but that does not mean I walk around wearing a t-shirt saying "I need you to love me".

Blackpitts

desperado2 wrote:

Im a female in my late twenties and im desperate! Im intelliegnt,fun and good looking but I cant seem to find a boyfriend. I realise I ooze desperation and this turns lads off but I just cant help it cos I AM desperate!Im so sick of being single when all my friends are coupled up. I try and go out and not act desperate but somehow I know they can sense it off me. I havent been on a date in the last two years and I know Im a nice person,with lots of friends etcetc and so I know its probably my desperation scaring guys off.
How can guys sense this?and how do I stop myself from appearing so desperate?

I had a chat with few irish girls in the office and some of them are single and older then 27.they are all scared to not find a boy as men around are just looking for a one night stand.
I didn't think it was a real issue for them, some are really good looking but they still struggle to find a proper boyfriend. So i reckon you are not the only one feeling to have this problem.
I can just tell what I told them...
there are boys like me outside just looking for a proper relationship, fed up to have a "slapper" to snog, tired to go to a club or a pub only to have a good chance to meet a nice girl. I did what I wanted to do, I had fun, I had my stories but I'm looking for something else now. But I just find difficult to approach a girl as the most thinks that I just want to "bang" them.
Maybe that's the problem, we all should try harder to match each other, but there is a "wall" between us, many girls thinks we want just to sleep with them, many boys just are rejected too often or just don't have serious feelings.
I'd love to find an intelligent, funny, pretty girl like you and see how the things can go. so I wish you all the best OP! you will find someone very soon and you will be very happy.
I wish the same to me.
ciao

Mighty_Mouse

As a 25 yr old single bloke, just a quick note on some of the daftness posted below. i.e.

Aim to be the sexual fantasy of each guy you meet for the rest of his day

:eek:

Pulling in a pub/club:
I would def think good advice on flirtation techniques were Doodee.

Guys/Girls/everyone needs a little invitation to talk or introduce yerself.
Not many girls that you'll just walk up to without any attempt at : a) small talk at the bar. b) eye contact etc etc etc

It doesn't matter what clubs you join, etc etc you need to be able to give a guy the right signals.

Dating:
I've been single for a year and probably only open to maybe another relationship in the last month or so. Before that it was a case of 1 night and see ya later. A few things from experience though:

1/ If you want to get into a relationship "Do not sleep with a bloke on the 1st night". Personally speaking these girls usually turn into "booty calls" for as long as possible before "relationship" or "no relationship" decisions are made. Its messy and an awkward route to romance!

2/ If you meet someone thats genuinely interested then whats the rush e.g.
1st dates aren't an advertisement for all your strong points. They're a opportunity for covering the basics. A little conversation, seeing what she looks like without booze! etc etc

1st dates aren't the place to make arrangements for 2nd dates. And most certainly aren't the place for "letting it be known" that you are willing to travel the length and breath of the country to meet up next weekend.
Relax girls!Wait until an appropriate amount of time before sending ONE message saying how you had a nice time

In fact the biggest problem I've had: #NB# Being afraid to get anyways serious with a girl due to the fact that I know she will be fierce upset after a few weeks if I want to end it.
Not because Im such a catch; but because she's fallen so hard so feckin quickly!!
If you want a guy, take it slow.

3/Realise your standards.
Honestly, a lot of long-term single girls I know are waiting for Brad Pitt to ask em out. Not gonna happen girls. Ye may focus a bit more on personality or alternatively find a dude that you know you could coach into a snappy dresser with trained social conversational sense!

4/I love nothing more than completely blanking cocky, up-her-own-ar*se, you-may-buy-me-a-drink type girls. The type that actually pukes at the thought of being left in the company of blokes less than male model. Has an inability to converse outside the topic of big-brother. Breaks out in a rash if the conversation wanders into politics, or general knowledge etc etc . In fact just a general inability to converse and relax for fear she break her pose!!
The type that ask's what designer your jeans or your runners are!!!!! ((And yes they exist outside southside girls))

Very few girls are like that during the day. Just something comes over them when the mini-skirt is on.! I cant quite understand it. But stop!!! Either be confident enough in your own personality to be yourself or get a personality transplant quick!

LegacyUser

'Sorry OP. This is not an attack. Im just trying to be realistic.\r\n\r\nBut people are giving you advice here and all you are trying to do is justify looking desperate. \"Why do I seem desperate?\"\r\n \r\nId take the advice on board and use it and stop complaining.\r\n\r\nWho knows why you are single or coming across as desperate. But you do come across as a little annoying in persistently asking \"Why am I single, why am I coming across as desperate, why doesnt he call, why this why that\".\r\n\r\nWe certainly dont know how you conduct yourself.\r\n\r\nMaybe get a bit proactive. Work on other things in your life that are good and other things will fall into place.'

fifly

I agree with Mighty Mouse about not sleeping with a guy on the first night. Never have and never will! But a very close friend of mine did this a few months back. She was very drunk at the time and it was totally out of character for her. She told the guy this a couple of weeks later and he seemed to understand.

He was very keen on her for the first month - lots of dates, confided in her alot - seemed to be the start of a proper relationship. The next two months they meet less often but things still seemed to be going strong. It finally ended when she was annoyed with him because he was too hungover to go out with her one night but suggested she call over later in the night!!!

Am I being a prude to think 3 months is too early to suggest something like that? Some of our other friends think this was ok. Maybe he just ended it because it was obvious she wanted a proper relationship and he didn't.

How long should you wait before sleeping with a new guy?

WhizzGDK

Well i wont try to give you any advise, because i dont know you at all, and pulling techniques only work for those they suit.

But i can give you my end of the stick (no pun intended)

Im 29 male and single. I am selective about those i date and not so selective about my onenight stands. i think this goes for most men.
But what i mostly look for in a prospective partner is that they like thier own life, They must be happy on thier own and look to share thier life with someone.
Personally, at the first sign of emotional dependance i run a mile.
the woman must want me, if she needs me in anyway to begin with then i wont be a crutch to anyone.
I took me a long time to figure out that it was this that was turning me away.

just food for thought

BigCityBanker

calicintre wrote:

thanks for that bcb,
actually he sent flowers yest and called mid morning, so possibly give him a second chance. i do certainly see your point though thanks or the input.

It aint all bad so!!

OP if you are sending out photos to canvass people to bring you for coffee well then dont forget to include me

Gillo

BigCityBanker wrote:

OP if you are sending out photos to canvass people to bring you for coffee well then dont forget to include me

Maybe I missed something here, but I didn't think the OP was canvassing here for a date

On the other hand if I missed something, OP surely you'd be better trying to find someone whose personnality you like rather that what a picture here looks like. If you like what you see people posting here why not pm than, chat for a bit and then take it from there.

Drift

*posts artificial bank balance*


Back on topic: I think boards would be a nice place to meet people. Has anyone here ever "dated" someone they met on the boards?

OP might do worse off than consider pming BCB?

Gillo

Drift wrote:

*posts artificial bank balance*


Back on topic: I think boards would be a nice place to meet people. Has anyone here ever "dated" someone they met on the boards?

OP might do worse off than consider pming BCB?

I met someone a a beer's and meet the twice afterwards, but they didn't seem that interested so I didnt't bother "chasing" them, maybe they were playing hard to get but I don't like games:eek:

Drift's advice is right, although I would see pm a few people, chances are you will find someone you find interesting.

LegacyUser

ok this is for the guys.
what are your opinions on girls texting first? i'm not talking needy girls, more strong willed confident girls who know what they want and take action rather than sitting around moping when the phone doesn't ring? and also after texting girls ringing and asking out boys? forward to the point of being offputting or to be admired for taking the initiative?

BigCityBanker

gillo wrote:

Maybe I missed something here, but I didn't think the OP was canvassing here for a date

Easy now!! May I refer you to a post made by Turbot @ 05.07.

matt-dublin

off topic: where are these girls from?
only kidding!

on topic:
im on the recieving end of this right now, continius text, phone calls every night, almost pushy about trying to get me to meet with her.

I think one of the things that guys actually do like is the chase, some say they don't but they do. And i also think it may be possible that girls who seem over keen attract the asshole type loves himself person(not that i am, i just seem to have been landed with an over keen girl)

Also i don't see girls like yourself as being desperate, its not desperation, its more loneliness (bad spelling sorry) than anything. When i sat that i don't mean in the terms of having no friends etc etc, its more a lonliness for companionship or even just wanting to have someone to cuddle up to infront of the telly on a cold night.

Also there's the rule of thumb, if you're looking for a relationship you're not going to find one, the second you stop looking your prospects begin to pile up. And its very true!

I think as well you need to make whoever your chasing feel like they want you more than you want them, push pull technique is generally very good, and deangelo describes it to a very good point.

Pull someone mentally close enough to think they are doing well, then push them away gently and make them work to get close again.

If you seem over keen, interest will be lost. But don't play too hard to get either!

Gillo

BigCityBanker wrote:

Easy now!! May I refer you to a post made by Turbot @ 05.07.

Appologies, it's been a long day.
Where do I sign up for coffee???

OP, I'd say go for it, there's nothing wrong with been confident, although try not to be too forceful or pushy. TBH honest there is no easy answer, I remember a few months ago a girl from work was trying to ask me out on a date, I don't know what I was doing but I kept missing the most obvious hit's until she asked me (in a joking way) what she had to do to get a date.
(do I look like a pleb now??)

There is nothing wrong with taking the initative, afterall if you don't take a chance you won't get anywhere.

Want to chat futher pm me....

BigCityBanker

desperate-moi? wrote:

ok this is for the guys.
what are your opinions on girls texting first? i'm not talking needy girls, more strong willed confident girls who know what they want and take action rather than sitting around moping when the phone doesn't ring? and also after texting girls ringing and asking out boys? forward to the point of being offputting or to be admired for taking the initiative?

only my opinion but....

to be admired for taking the initiative..

(do remember to stop txtn/calling if a response is not forthcoming)

matt-dublin

i agree with bigcity,
everyone likes the interest, its nice to be wanted...
but when the response seems uninteresting or even a lack of response leave it alone

Drift

desperate-moi? wrote:

ok this is for the guys.
what are your opinions on girls texting first? and also after texting girls ringing and asking out boys?

Love it, takes the pressure and nerves off me "Will I text her, won't I. Was she into me or was she just being nice" ........ So go for it, but obviously if you don't get a response don't keep at it.

fifly

WhizzGDK how/when do you decide if a girl is a onenight stands or potential girlfriend?

I find it hard to meet guys I would go out with. I'm not desperately looking for a boyfriend but would like to meet a genuine guy.

I alway get chatted up by guys who only want one thing. If I was a flirt I could understand how some guys might get the wrong idea but I'm quite shy and I don't dress slutty so why assume I easy!!!

I look younger than I am and I find that younger guy chat me up which is annoying.

Male friends (guy and straight) have told others that they don't know why I don't have a boyfriend!

Gillo

fifly wrote:

WhizzGDK how/when do you decide if a girl is a onenight stands or potential girlfriend?

TBH, I don't think there is any set rules it often depends on the situation and / or state of mind of the person.

If it's late enough on in the night in a club, most guys will be more interested in a one night stand.
Personnality; the nicer someone is the more chance you would want to meet them again or start a relationship; if they are boring, b!tchy or otherwise annoying there's a chance some guys will put up with it for the night if there's a sh@g in it for them.
What your expecations for the night are; some guys will go out some nights simply to "score".
How drunk a guy is?
How someone looks can also play a part.


Hopefully, that will give you an idea; no doubt we could spend all day coming up with other idea's. Just to point out also, the above is a generalisation it's not every guy and I'm sure alot of women could be put into same examples.

My advice would be not to be too flirty (I'd prob read it wrong, I think alot of guys would), try to not to talk about sex (even in general, again especially with a few pints people can easliy get the wrong idea) and if the guy makes a move early on, resist the tempation.

Maybe you should read "how to make friends and inflence people" by Dale Carnige most decent book shops will have it. Yes I know how the title sounds, but it is a very good book; alot of what it says is obvious when you actually sit down and think about it, but it's well worth reading.

Drift

fifly wrote:

WhizzGDK how/when do you decide if a girl is a onenight stands or potential girlfriend?

Like gillo said be aware of the guys who don't turn up until late on in the evening. I know from experience that some guys deliberately go looking for the "10 to 2 girl" ... Generally means they don't really care what she looks like or what type of person she is they just want to get her back to bed. Its not my style but I'm sure there's girls out there who look for "10 to 2" guys aswell so each to their own but it sounds like in your case it would unlikely to lead to a long term relationship.

fifly wrote:

I alway get chatted up by guys who only want one thing.

Its going to happen. Guys who only want sex seem to be completely at ease going from girl to girl around the club, I suppose rejection doesn't have the same effect on them. So by the law of averages you will end up being chatted up by them.

As a guy though I have to say that there's no law against you walking up to a nice looking guy and starting up a convo with him. As the shy type I know I'd love it.

fifly

Totally agree with what both of you said. I can easily spot the guys who are only after one thing so never end up with them any more. When I was younger I did end up snogging guys like that only to be disappointed at the end of the night when there true colours would shine through! Recently I was chatted up buy a younger guy who through a tantram when I told him I had a boyfriend (I did at the time). At this stage I of sick of all the asshole out there! Might just get that book!

I also think how drunk a girl is has an effect. A decent guy won't chat up a girl who is really pissed in my opinion!

LegacyUser

'

Dragan wrote:

To be honest I see a lot of self image problems going on here. You describe yourself as fun, intelligent and good looking but you also assume that you are desperate, that there is something wrong with you simply because you do not have a boyfriend.\r\n\r\nFirst of all, let me say the dating game is rubbish, complete and utter. Two strangers meet up and one is worrying about if he/she has choosen the right resturaunt and the other is worrying about is he/she appears to be funny. The reason a lot of people hook up in clubs is that lack of \"requirment\" your attracted or your not. A lot of people meet partners through friends, working the referal system \" Your mate Angie is hot….hook me up!\" etc.\r\n\r\nDates are garbage, plain and simple because people always do them wrong! They sit there trying to advertise themselves and hope the viewer wants to buy. That really is desperate.\r\n\r\nFrom your post is seems to me like your more trying to convince yourself of the good aspects that I am sure you do possess, rather than being confident of them. Any girl who is fun, intelligent and goodlooking ( pretty much the top three for any guy to be attacted to ) will be doing well, once she can believe that she is those things. I have said many times on this board that confidence really does stand for a lot, so be confident in yourself. \r\n\r\nYou really don\'t need a boyfriend to complete you, I hate that whole idea. A partner should compliment you, you should be good together, but to say that you NEED them is a diservice to yourself.\r\n\r\nForget the dating game, forget the whole idea that you really need a boyfriend to be happy. Don\'t get me wrong, I have been single 8 months after a 2.5 year relationship and sometimes I miss the whole relationship thing….but that does not mean I walk around wearing a t-shirt saying \"I need you to love me\".

\r\n\r\nThanks that makes sense! I don\'t think I come accross as desperate but I can\'t help myself from feeling desperate. I know I don\'t need a boyfriend to be complete and all that \"the right guy will come along, whats the hurry?\" malarchy and I believe it. I just wish that I would get SOME male attention, maybe just ONE guy who would flirt or even just wink at me and let me know he\'s interested...even just ONE nice guy in the whole year. Even if he wasn\'t boyfriend material..I\'d be happy to know that at least one guy was interested.\r\n\r\nAnd for the record, in no way would I describe myself as good looking. Fun: I\'ve been told so. Intelligent: Above average. So maybe it\'s the fact that I\'m not good looking that is putting guys off.\r\n\r\nif this was someone else saying the exact same words i would think, what a loser'

Dragan

fifly wrote:

Totally agree with what both of you said. I can easily spot the guys who are only after one thing so never end up with them any more. When I was younger I did end up snogging guys like that only to be disappointed at the end of the night when there true colours would shine through! Recently I was chatted up buy a younger guy who through a tantram when I told him I had a boyfriend (I did at the time). At this stage I of sick of all the asshole out there! Might just get that book!

I also think how drunk a girl is has an effect. A decent guy won't chat up a girl who is really pissed in my opinion!

Hey Fifly,

you did say you look a bit young and always get chatted up by younger guys? I think that may be the root of the problem....very few guys are sophisticated conversationalist at a young age....i know i wasn't! In my opinion, a younger chap is more likely to be out on the pull for a one night stand than any other age group of men....he will also maybe drink a little more, have less inhibitions and there will be more pressure on him from a peer group to pull.

When i was younger in you went out and didn't pull you were practically tarred and feathered for the rest of the week till your next chance to redeem yourself. I find that at my current age (25 to give some perspective ) that there is no pressure from friends to pull to appear cool or whatever.

Could just be part of the reason why you get the younger more frisky guys after you.

fifly

I'm just gone 29. Seem to get 25 year olds chatting me up lately! The fact that I don't have a boyfriend seems to bother my coupled up friend more than me!