New Boy/Girlfriend = ditch all your mates???

abetarrush

Thaedydal wrote:

Not a PI

It happened to me, how is not a PI?

FranknFurter

I think also a LOT depends on whether or not you are living with the new gf / bf.

My LAST bf was so controling that I was never allowed go out with friends unless it was ok with him or he was there too. Somhow I only looked back on this and realised it fully when we broke up.

When you are actually living with the person you go through a period I think, of thinking you need to be with them when they say they need you with them, and its easy for both sides to then get lazy about social lives.

But, your good friends will understand and not leave you because of it, as a lot will have been there themselves. I have friends who Ive had for 15+ years and stuck with me no matter what, and I have had friends who dont understand "living together" relationships who have ran.

I know I have neglected friends in the past because of relationships, but I must say to anyone who feels a friend has done this, bear in mind they may not realise they are doing it, even if you think they do, love can be blind, so tell them.

Somtimes you have no choice, you dont always feel you can go out when you have somone else to consider, wheras on your own you can do it anytime you want.
Living with somone can be so tiring on both sides, and make life so complicated, specially if you are working, that all you can both do is rest at weekends when everyone else goes out.
Tis part of living with a partner imho.

B

fuzzywiggle

when someone starts going out with someone new, it may seem like their ''ditching their friends'' but for gods sake, they're trying to get to know the person and spend time with them. Maybe they're trying to figure out if they want to spend the rest of their lives with this person and have kids? Well maybe, maybe not but in my opinion a true friend will be there when it all goes pear shaped with he bf/gf no matter how long they've ditched you for. That's what I would do. It's just what happens

Pigman II

They're only still hanging out with you cos they fear solitude.

Why wouldn't they dump you when something better comes along.

Marksie

abetarrush wrote:

The worst is that when the relationship ends, they think they can jus call you and everythings coolaboola

Isn't that what being a friend is all about? not having expectations? is he your only friend?
The friends you make at 18 will be different from those you see at 22, 28, 30 etc.
That said as youo get older you do realise the importance of keeping your friends, so its a fine balance.

abetarrush wrote:

My mate turns his phone off when he's with his gf cos he thinks its rude!!! Wtf?

If you were out with your mate and he was being constantly texted while you were in the pub or chattin' how would you feel?
I turn off my mobile when with gf, for the same reason.

abetarrush wrote:

I stopped hangin around with him cos there was no reason to

Friendship needs a reason? It would appear from that statement that it is you who needs reasons for staying with friends, so perhaps you could qualify it?

abetarrush wrote:

Girls are just way too jealous, which IMO is a lack of trust
They say if they see other women all over their bf they get jealous, but why shud they be jealous, the guy is THEIRS!

Has your friend actually said this is why he cannot see you? and define all over.. if you mean in an intimate clinch then its understandable

abetarrush wrote:

Its stupid, if a girl even tried t pull dat crap i'd show her the door

and vice versa i imagine. OP as you grow older and gain life experience, you will realise that people are more complex and things arent that clear cut. the dynamic of male female intimacy IS different from "mates". Don't forget... he is embarking on an intimate relationship with someone. It will happen to you as well.
Again.. it is about finding the correct balance..and that is something that happens with experience.

abetarrush

Marksuttonie:

A girl friend told me that, she said thats wha most girls are like [the jealousy thing]

Me and my mates always text other people when we're out, its not a big deal [to any of us anyway]


I know she's a big part of his life now, but I still dont think its ok to just cut off all contact with your friends

Marksie

abetarrush wrote:

Marksuttonie:

A girl friend told me that, she said thats wha most girls are like [the jealousy thing]

Me and my mates always text other people when we're out, its not a big deal [to any of us anyway]


I know she's a big part of his life now, but I still dont think its ok to just cut off all contact with your friends

Hmmmm, well maybe i am lucky in my G/fs as this "jealousy" thing doesnt seem to happen.
I suppose i am a different generation that when i go out i interact with the people i am with.. but texting seems to be the be all and end all of communication these days.
As i said..its a fine line and getting the balance right is difficult.

NoDayBut2Day

abetarrush wrote:

Marksuttonie:

A girl friend told me that, she said thats wha most girls are like [the jealousy thing]

It's terrible, but a lot of girls do keep their boyfriends on a leash like that. I think it's awful. I make sure my boyfriend knows he can breathe... haha.

Sully

Could be about a year now, though im not to sure exactly how a long, an old friend of mine started going out with this girl and it all went down hill for his friendship. At the start he came out for a while but was always texting her, but it soon happened that he stopped coming out and anytime he was free he would go off with the gf. He works a lot of the time, and all other spare time he is with the gf.

We did point it out to him, and he claimed he would make an effort: never did. Now while we remain civil to each other, when (he doesnt like this being suggested, I did once and he lost the plot with me) they break up he will have no friends to hang with as he lost touch with everyone he was friends with. I dont think I could ever be as friendly with him as I once was, feel used. >/

CathyMoran

It drives me crazy too that men get all jelous of your male friends, they are friends, that is all. In the end of the day my partner has to put up with my friends (all of whom I consider to be brothers and sisters) or else he is shown the door.

I have been in the situation where my friends gf's are jelous of me being best friends with their bf's, it is incredibly irritating, in the end of the day these guys are my family but I do not fancy them, why should the girls be jelous?

I will admit to getting jelous of bf's female friends but only when they admit to fancying them and talk about them in a sexual way...that is fair.

abetarrush

CathyMoran wrote:

I will admit to getting jelous of bf's female friends but only when they admit to fancying them and talk about them in a sexual way...that is fair.

exactly, but not with jus bein in their presence

And like the prev poster said

If you suddenly ditch all your mates for a new B/Gf, you wont have anyone to hang around with afterwards

especially if its usually just you and your mate

your routine changes, so the older mate comin back would mess up the new friendship

I asked a guy I know abt this and he said a girlfriend is a best friend, but so much more

So I took that as Ye have everything ye need in one package, so dont need any other mates

eth0_

I don't think people ditch their friends in tentionally...it's more like the 'nesting instinct' kicks in, and they would rather be with their partner as much as possible.

If you're seeing your other half constantly in the early stages of your relationship it can be disastrous anyway. My boyfriend and I were with each other literally constantly for the first few months of our relationship. We broke up for a while because of it.

Now there is more of a balance, we usually see each other about 4 times a week and I still see my friends 1-2 times a week.

You have to remember there are a lot of people (mostly women) who are extremely insecure and don't want their partner spending time with others who might take him away from you. My boyfriend knows a guy who's girlfriend is like this - she even feigns illnesses to stop him going out on his own! - and obviously doesn't see that she's going to make him resent her and break up eventually, because she wants ALL of his time for her.

ArphaRima

I've seen it happen yes. But personally I would never allow it to happen. Any girl asking me to do this would find herself left on the curb. No girlfriend of 1/2/3 years is ever going to replace my friends of 10+ years.

Just invite the girlfriend out with your friends and their girlfriends. Any girl who cant handle that cant be my girlfriend. Easy.

Its also my view that no man should ever make a woman choose between him or her friends. 90% of the time he will lose.

And marksuttonie

Again.. it is about finding the correct balance..and that is something that happens with experience

I dont believe with your post that you have found the correct balance if you are switching off your phone to intentionally prevent your good friends from contacting you.

road_high

I can totally identify with this. My best friend started going out with a girl about two years ago- I can't really put my finger on it, but I think she sees me as 'competition' for her boyfriend (even thoughI'm a fella!!!):eek: Seriously, maybe I 'm paranoid but I think she deliberately snuggles up to him and stuff like right in front of me- even if we're talking- the whispering stuff too bugs the crap out of me- feel like saying out I don't give a crap what you'e talking about, is there a need for whispering- so rude!
Maybe she's jealous of our good friendship and sees it as a thread somehow- anyway I find it really annoying. Just 'cos you're going out with somehow doesn't mean you own them and need to be involved in every little detail iof their lives.
I need space in a relationship. What TF happens if the relationship breaks down ( and this is quite likely if one half is controlling- sure look at how many marriages break up these day)? Good to get this off my chest- great thread whoever thought of it btw!

abetarrush

mfitzy wrote:

I can totally identify with this. My best friend started going out with a girl about two years ago- I can't really put my finger on it, but I think she sees me as 'competition' for her boyfriend (even thoughI'm a fella!!!):eek: Seriously, maybe I 'm paranoid but I think she deliberately snuggles up to him and stuff like right in front of me- even if we're talking- the whispering stuff too bugs the crap out of me- feel like saying out I don't give a crap what you'e talking about, is there a need for whispering- so rude!
Maybe she's jealous of our good friendship and sees it as a thread somehow- anyway I find it really annoying. Just 'cos you're going out with somehow doesn't mean you own them and need to be involved in every little detail iof their lives.
I need space in a relationship. What TF happens if the relationship breaks down ( and this is quite likely if one half is controlling- sure look at how many marriages break up these day)? Good to get this off my chest- great thread whoever thought of it btw!

Me! lol

Its good to know its not just me who feels like this

Won't be postin here again though, my new girlfriend wont let me

Marksie

fluffer wrote:

And marksuttonie
I dont believe with your post that you have found the correct balance if you are switching off your phone to intentionally prevent your good friends from contacting you.

Thats Ok . Different perspective on what being with someone for a night is all about. (and its off once i have met up with the person.. friend, or girlfriend..)
Personally i dislike mobiles at the best of times and think its the height of bad manners to be texting or talking to someone while in the presence of someone you had arranged to meet.
But I am of a generation for whom a mobile phone surgically welded to their ear is not a necessity.
Perhaps i am just more secure in my friends that i dont feel that if they cannot contact me 24/7 and vice versa, they wont be my friend anymore.:D

Its a wonder isnt it that in the years before mobiles anyone managed to stay friends with anyone!!!!!:p

However, the theme of the post was that getting the balance right between seeing friends and not seeing friends while in a relationship irresepctive of the ciommunication method

abi sant clare

my best friend got into a relationship. She completely ditched me and didn't make time for me. I kept asking about our next girly night out but she wud not make any effort. Ontop of this she completely changed her look an became more goth because he was into heavy metal. About 2 years ago i was trying to tell her it was wrong of her but the worst thing is, and the part i can't let go of is, she doesn't acknowledge she does it and doesn't see that even her appearance changed. Now 4 years on, she wants to meet up and get bak on track. She was a brillant friend, shud i 4giv an 4get? part of me desperately needs an apologie!

LizT

Zombie thread! Start a new one!

dr.bollocko

abi sant clare wrote: »

my best friend got into a relationship. She completely ditched me and didn't make time for me. I kept asking about our next girly night out but she wud not make any effort. Ontop of this she completely changed her look an became more goth because he was into heavy metal. About 2 years ago i was trying to tell her it was wrong of her but the worst thing is, and the part i can't let go of is, she doesn't acknowledge she does it and doesn't see that even her appearance changed. Now 4 years on, she wants to meet up and get bak on track. She was a brillant friend, shud i 4giv an 4get? part of me desperately needs an apologie!

Hello.
This thread is actually quite old. I would suggest starting a new thread in personal issues if you are looking for advice.
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