Boyfriend watches Porn What Do I Do?

LegacyUser

Im not sure if this post has already appeared but I was on my bfs laptop last night when he was out and discovered that he has been looking at porn, I have had my suspicions for a while and have asked him over and over and he promised me he wouldnt ever look at porn because he thought it was disgusting...Then I see what he was looking, Iwent mad and as soon as he came home went for him, I probably should have left to cool down but i didnt, he apologised and said he wouldnt do it again, He knows that pron makes me feel inadequate and unattractive because there is no way I could ever compete...I just want some advice as to what do next? Am I being unfair? Does this mean he doesnt love me!?

Beruthiel

Inneedofadvice wrote:

He knows that pron makes me feel inadequate and unattractive because there is no way I could ever compete...

He's not asking you to, is he?

I just want some advice as to what do next?

Leave the poor lad alone and let him watch it

Am I being unfair?

Totally

Does this mean he doesnt love me!?

If he didn't love you, he wouldn't be with you

melekalikimaka

hummmi'd be more worried if he DIDN'T have porn. if this is the worst your realtionship ever goes through, you a lucky lady.

GeorgeBailey

A bloke that watches porn.... hmmmm, this is definitely a new thing. I know of no other male that does this....... or, maybe all blokes do it (ok 99%) and it's something that women just have to accept or remain single.

It's "adult entertainment", if he's an adult and its legal...

leave him to it


think of it like this, you don't like porn, he doesn't like soaps..

Don't think of the content, just realise what it is in the bigger picture.

super_furry

I think you're totally over-reacting. Most blokes glance at it from time to time out of curiosity if nothing else, unless it's obsessive and affecting how he acts or treats you, then I don't think you have a problem.

Why do you feel you need to compete anyway? Would you feel the need to compete with Angelina Jolie if he went to the cinema?

LegacyUser

Every male alive watches porn. Get over it.

LegacyUser

Ok..I know blokes watch porn but when he promises he doesnt then I believe him, in the last few weeks he has got more "adventurous" suggesting different things that are to me PORN and nothing but..if you know what I mean

Kiera

Yes you are being unfair and no it doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you. Its only porn. Its not real life. You said yourself that “it makes you feel inadequate and unattractive because there is no way you could ever compete...” That’s something you need to look at in yourself.

These women get paid to look that way, its part of the industry they are in. You don’t see girls looking like that or dressing like that walking down the street. Its fantasy, there’s nothing in it. He’s with you. If he didn’t find you attractive he wouldn’t be.

Leave him be, its not like he’s looking at anything illegal. Its pretty harmless.

Stinkerbelle

No wonder he denied it...your reaction was exactly what he expected!!! I don't think it's up to you to tell what he can and can't look at, especially with something so normal and common, it's a fact of a man's life.

You should be more concerned with your own insecurities than trying to deny your boyfriend something he enjoys! You could drive him away with that attitude.

Chinafoot

Try watching it with him. Don't knock what you haven't tried and all that.

Judging by your reaction I can't really blame him for lying about it. You're being completely unreasonable.

Zulu

Inneedofadvice wrote:

he promised me he wouldnt ever look at porn because he thought it was disgusting...

He said that because he was ashamed about it and assumed you'd react in a negative manner.

Then I see what he was looking, Iwent mad and as soon as he came home went for him,

You have damaged your relationship in a way you can't understand.

he apologised and said he wouldnt do it again,

He lied, and will never admit it because you've made a massive ordeal out of something that he was originally ashamed of. There now exists a part of his life he needs to keep secret from you.

He knows that pron makes me feel inadequate and unattractive because there is no way I could ever compete...

This is something YOU need to deal with. You have now succeeded is making him feel ashamed and possibly perverted of something that is normal.

I just want some advice as to what do next?

Get over it quickly. Apologise.

Am I being unfair?

Totally.

Does this mean he doesnt love me!?

How old are you?

peachypants

peachypants wrote:

Try watching it with him. Don't knock what you haven't tried and all that.

Judging by your reaction I can't really blame him for lying about it. You're being completely unreasonable.

Ditto. Get over it or watch it with him, OP. The problem is with you, not him. Pron is normal.

Cactus Col

Is it the porn watching that's the problem? or is it the lying about it?

Sure most dudes watch a bit of porn, and there's nothing wrong with that, watch it a bit myself, but I do try to keep lying to a minimum.

As for being more adventurous, if you feel uncomfortable doing somethingto the point that you just don't wanna do it, then don't do it, and a simple no should be enough. And maybe it's for the best if he finds someone who's willing to do whatever with him.

Mrs_Doyle

I remember going into my BF's bedroom 1 night, and switched on the TV, there was a DVD on, one from those free ones u get with a lads mag.
I went totally mental, think I actually fired the DVD into the street.
Sweet Jesus, when I think of it, Ha ha ha, I am so embarrassed, Talk about over-reacting!
We are still together now (somehow) and the way we worked it was, he is gonna watch porn, I know that, he knows that, I am not into porn, and as long as the porn doesn't creep into our little world then it doesn't bother me.

It is normal for lads to look at porn though, if you don't like porn, just keep out of it, if its not affecting you, if he is not tryign to get you to do what he sees in porno's and he is not trying to watch something you don't wanna watch... then whats the harm?

Lust4Life

OP, you need to calm down and be rational.
All men do it, no matter how often intimacy occurrs.
My Hubby has some on his computer as well. He thought he had them well hidden, but I still stumble across them. I put them into a folder titled "Double Jointed Women" and never said a word to him about it. He knows that I am aware. That's enough.
Where's your sense of humour?

Black Swan

Lust4Life wrote:

OP, you need to calm down and be rational.
All men do it, no matter how often intimacy occurrs.
My Hubby has some on his computer as well. He thought he had them well hidden, but I still stumble across them. I put them into a folder titled "Double Jointed Women" and never said a word to him about it. He knows that I am aware. That's enough.
Where's your sense of humour?

lol "Double Jointed Women" folder. How humourous!

Jumpy

Lust4Life wrote:

OP, you need to calm down and be rational.
All men do it, no matter how often intimacy occurrs.
My Hubby has some on his computer as well. He thought he had them well hidden, but I still stumble across them. I put them into a folder titled "Double Jointed Women" and never said a word to him about it. He knows that I am aware. That's enough.
Where's your sense of humour?

You should have made another folder called "That shouldnt go in there!"

Marksie

1. Why where you looking on his laptop? Did he have a big sign saying PORN do not watch: There could be a trust issue there.

2. At some time or other we have watched Porn.

3. The question you ask yourself is why do you feel inadequate when porn is around: Let me let you into a secret they are faking it! PORN has nothing to do with real lovemaking. Its as different as looking at a pciture of a big mac and actually sitting down in a restaurant and enjoying a five course meal.
i have seen an expose on tv where she was screaming and yelling and when the camera pulled back she was on her own!.

4. You two need to talk openly and honestly and with no recrimination. Unless you have a moral objection i.e you feel women are being degraded. you should talk to your bfriend and ask what he likes, can you watch it with him? it doesnt necessarily mean you have to do that, but open communicationis great. Given that PORN is desinged to arouse and guys (and girls) bring themselves off watching it.. hey why dont you do it for him guaranteed to distract him from watching .

5. psycholigists have shown that male stimulation is primarily visual and tactile

6. You overreacted, you should apologise. He lied to you, but in this instance you were cutting him off from something he enjoys. It would not have affected your relaionship if he had been allowed to watch ot. Your reaction will

nudge

This really is a minor thing, wouldn't mind at all if it was my boyfriend. It doesnt mean he doesnt love you and honestly you have to be realistic about these things. He's not going to suddenly not look at any other women or at porn because he's going out with someone, its the most natural thing in the world.

metrovelvet

Yes you have to realise it is all fake. They have body makeup on, there is lighting, a set a rehearsal. The whole thing is fake. I just look at it like it s avery very bad movie. It actually bores me, most of it.

Im assuming this is your run of the mill boom chicki wa wa porn and not some kind of disturbing stuff.

Really, I dont have any objection to boyfriends watching porn as long as they dont bring it [the attitude behind the porn] in to the bedroom. Life does not have to imitate art. Id rather make up my own stuff, thank you. I dont have enough res[ect for it to take it seriously.

Its a **** device - thats all OP. The fact is if you really did look like a porn star he wouldnt be introducing you to mommy or want you to mother his kids. Dont sweat it.

Lust4Life

Posted by MetroVelvet:
The fact is if you really did look like a porn star he wouldnt be introducing you to mommy or want you to mother his kids. Dont sweat it.

EXCELLENT point!

Mad Dog

Get over it OP :eek:

Dave!

Get over it tbh! He probably lied because you're being so unreasonable about it. Nothing wrong with porn.

Black Swan

You don't have to like porn, or participate with him in watching it. It's obvious he's going to do it. What's not healthy for your relationship is that he feels compelled to lie to you about it. You need to have a talk. He keeps his porn watching to himself, you don't bug him about it, and he doesn't lie to you about this or anything else in the future.

Something to keep in mind. Porn is big business and is fake. It thrives on fantasies, but cannot give wish fulfillment. Maybe you both need a little more fantasy in your relationship? Obviously he is attracted to you and you to him. Start being more playful. We are all kids inside, no matter the candy coating of adulthood we cover ourselves with. And don't feel inadequate. You have over a million years of evolution to draw from to attract a man. Oh, don't throw yourself at him, but rather just the little things to catch his eye. A little leg. A breath in his ear. A coy smile. A lot of eye contact. I'm not telling you anything, cause it's there inside you. And you are REAL, and porn is not.;)

Jotter

I think you need to forget about porn and deal with your feelings of inadequacy and low self esteem. If you are outraged by porn it should be bec its degrading or disgusting or whatever not bec you feel you cant compete with it. Porn actresses arent that good looking imo, its what theyre doing that turns the men to jelly, 3somes, girl on girl, anal etc.Men are turned on by visuals. If I was you I would take a look at the type of thing he was looking at, take a theme from one of them, then I would go get a brazillian, dress to impress and give him a good seeing to making all the stupid noises that the girlies in the film make and then see if you cant compete with them! Hell be putty in your hands bec its you and he loves you and is attracted to you and here you are making his fantasy real. Afterwards you can tell him youre sorry for going mad, the reasons that you did and that you understand why he lied and theres no need to lie in future - hell be so damn happy with you you can then get him to do whatever the hell you want!!

Up_Mayo

Inneedofadvice wrote:

Ok..I know blokes watch porn but when he promises he doesnt then I believe him, in the last few weeks he has got more "adventurous" suggesting different things that are to me PORN and nothing but..if you know what I mean

What kind of things is he askin' lately.....what is ''pron'' stuff to you????

Sorry just curious!!!!! Don't tell me no-one else was thinkin the same thing!!!!

Jotter

I think you need to forget about porn and deal with your feelings of inadequacy and low self esteem. If you are outraged by porn it should be bec its degrading or disgusting or whatever not bec you feel you cant compete with it. Porn actresses arent that good looking imo, its what theyre doing that turns the men to jelly, 3somes, girl on girl, anal etc.Men are turned on by visuals. If I was you I would take a look at the type of thing he was looking at, take a theme from one of them, then I would go get a brazillian, dress to impress and give him a good seeing to making all the stupid noises that the girlies in the film make and then see if you cant compete with them! Hell be putty in your hands bec its you and he loves you and is attracted to you and here you are making his fantasy real. Afterwards you can tell him youre sorry for going mad, the reasons that you did and that you understand why he lied and theres no need to lie in future - hell be so damn happy with you you can then get him to do whatever the hell you want!!

Marksie

Up_Mayo wrote:

What kind of things is he askin' lately.....what is ''pron'' stuff to you????

Sorry just curious!!!!! Don't tell me no-one else was thinkin the same thing!!!!

Well commented on. Actually its a rather important statement. What IS he saying you to do. Has he got different ideas for positions and one on one scenariois.... if he comes to you with those, then at least he is showing imagination and wants to try them. i imagine there are readers who wouls d say..yeah i would give my eye teeth for something other that the bed, missionary , lights off. You should open up, pardon the pun, and allow this possible facet.

If he is asking about group or multiple sex partners that is slightly different

This is where communication is vital. It does appear that you seem to have issues with sex. It is one of the basic areas where couples connect and one of the most difficult for them to express.

You should perhaps intorduce it playfully ..what are your fantasieds etc. and then swap . Doesnt mean you have to act on them and you should avoid getting shocked if it happens to be an oompah loompah and a bucket of custard.

The point is, learn to talk and express.

Actually i am going to add: What if he read you a really long erotic and explicit section from a book? wouls you still feel the same or is it the visual act of Porn you find offensive?

gamer

Most women in porn,are dumb blondes with fake boobs,a man may be attracted to a pretty woman,but he falls in love with your personality,hes not asking you to compete with anyone,does he feeled threatened, when you watch a brad pitt movie, i doubt it.90percent of men watch porn,if they have acess to it,the other ten percent live in a monastery,or the desert,or on a island with no internet or tv access.As long as its legal ,you should not make a big deal about it.

Sleepy

Porn is to men what vibrators are to women. That simple.

Ruu_Old

Find some porn that you can watch together and enjoy it, I'm sure he doesn't watch it to hurt you in any way.

LegacyUser

Yeah I was wondering what the OP's boyfriend was asking for that counted as PORN (gasp!!!).

I'm sorry but from your post OP you sound like you've got quite a sheltered view of sex. If you're only interested in vanilla sex (i.e. missionary, lights out) and are shocked by his suggesting new positions, locations etc. then maybe you need to broaden your horizons.

If he's interested in spicing things up a bit be glad of it. If you're so adamant against it then maybe you two aren't the ones for each other. Because no matter how well you get on, if you don't click sexually then you've got problems

metrovelvet

Exaclty. And it being so, its very hard for a man to compete with a vibrator. Unless a girl is very very lucky. It just doesn't "measure up."

Dragan

metrovelvet wrote:

Exaclty. And it being so, its very hard for a man to compete with a vibrator. Unless a girl is very very lucky. It just doesn't "measure up."

The day they invent a vibrator that can make breakfast men are fu*ked, or not, as the case may be!

Marksie

metrovelvet wrote:

Exaclty. And it being so, its very hard for a man to compete with a vibrator. Unless a girl is very very lucky. It just doesn't "measure up."

you've been watching TOO many porn movies metro . Size isnt everything

Actually OP have you ever wondered how many men actually have issues cos the guys in movies are hung like donkeys? It is exactly the same as your issue with perforemance. PORN is exaggeration of real life and a poor facsimilie at that

Dragan

marksuttonie wrote:

you've been watching TOO many porn movies metro . Size isnt everything

Actually OP have you ever wondered how many men actually have issues cos the guys in movies are hung like donkeys? It is exactly the same as your issue with perforemance. PORN is exaggeration of real life and a poor facsimilie at that

I don't think she means size, i think she means sensation etc.

Marksie

Dragan wrote:

I don't think she means size, i think she means sensation etc.

Oh not a problem when i am around

Still same applies: Vibrator doesnt kiss kiss or hold you, it doesnt look into your eyes and make your pulse race. It doesnt make you weak at the knees ata glance. Take my point? apply that to porn and then you know the difference

Blisterman

I think you should be more upset that he lied to you, than whether or not he watches porn.

Kiera

Sleepy wrote:

Porn is to men what vibrators are to women. That simple.

Haha very good point. I some how doubt the OP even knows what a rampant rabbit is tho.

imeatingchips

If they took porn off the internet, there'd only be one website left, and it'd be called "Bring back the porn!"

metrovelvet

No I mean size too, depending on the vibrator. And yes, boys it does matter.

Thats why if you go for certain models you'll set yourself up for dissappointment. Just as if you watch porn and let that be your guide you will also be setting yourself up for dissappointment.

Its true, mark a vibrator wont do those nice things. It also wont cheat on you or hurt you or break your heart.

LegacyUser

Ok maybe I didnt come across clear enough, we have an excellent sex life, we are both each others first partners, so we are both still learning but Im not a prude, we have tried and enjoyed almost every position possible but just lately he sounds like a pornstar with things he says, wants to do and yes when Im uncomfortable he knows it and doesnt push. It really isnt the porn thats the major problem ok i dont like it and as u say i have the problem with my insecurities ect but he lied about it..The last thing i want to do is for this to ruin what we have so i am really taking on what all of you have said and i will apologise I suppose i just have to learn to deal with it

Dragan

metrovelvet wrote:

It also wont cheat on you or hurt you or break your heart.

Which judging by a lot of your posts has happened to you, as much as it has happened to all of us! I know plenty of guys who have been heart stomped by girls as well Metro, so lets not always make things a battle of the sexes!!

As for size....i have found that this will always depend on the girls as much as the boys as well. The simple fact is there is a happy medium, enough to be obviously present, but not enough to hurt.

The whole idea of the 12 inch porn cock is, to most of my female friends, a bit of a nightmare from what they tell me!!!

LegacyUser

Keira, what age do u think i am?? JUst because Im not keen on porn doesnt mean im thick....

Zulu

Blisterman wrote:

I think you should be more upset that he lied to you, than whether or not he watches porn.

...well, no. She shouldn't. From where I'm sitting, she gave him no other choice. Evidently the idea of porn is abhorent to her, so he was always going to deny this.

Sleepy

Dragan wrote:

The whole idea of the 12 inch porn cock is, to most of my female friends, a bit of a nightmare from what they tell me!!!

A friend of mine had her first sexual experiences with a guy hung like that and was left terrified of sex until she discovered that 12" wasn't the norm!

metrovelvet

Yes I know Dragan, I didnt meant to imply a gender issue, I was just trying to balance out the things in this world that can make us feel safe and or inadequate thats all. We are all vulnerable.

Yes the 12 inch cock is a frightening thought. I remember in college there was one guy who we all knew was gigantic and no one wanted to go near him. And yes it does depend on the girls too, I know... im just trying to make myself laugh... im in a bad mood. [sorry OT for a sec].

And btw OP the less free your relationship is the more lies it will breed.

Zulu

metrovelvet wrote:

Its true, mark a vibrator wont do those nice things. It also wont cheat on you or hurt you or break your heart.

I was wondering how long it would take. You did well this time 3rd post was it?

Can I get a gin and bitter over here please?

OP you need to acknowledge that you are in effect making him lie! He knows you don't like porn, chances are he's a little ashamed about it, so he dosen't want to upset you or let you down, or make you think less of him - so he covers it up. It's not healthy, but throwing a hissy fit will only bury it futher.

metrovelvet

Zulu wrote:

I was wondering how long it would take. You did well this time 3rd post was it?

Can I get a gin and bitter over here please?

Do you take a slice of lemon with that?

My point was Zulu, is that you can be attracted to using these devices because there is less risk involved, thats all. Not only can you be attracted to them, but you can get reliant on them to the point where actual contact with another person becomes terrifying. Holy christ give me a break.

The Corinthian

Inneedofadvice wrote:

Im not sure if this post has already appeared but I was on my bfs laptop last night when he was out and discovered that he has been looking at porn, I have had my suspicions for a while and have asked him over and over and he promised me he wouldnt ever look at porn because he thought it was disgusting... Then I see what he was looking, Iwent mad and as soon as he came home went for him, I probably should have left to cool down but i didnt, he apologised and said he wouldnt do it again,

You looked through his laptop? Presumably without his consent? Any he apologised?

The way I read it, you should have done the apologising. You betrayed his trust and privacy.

Ok..I know blokes watch porn but when he promises he doesnt then I believe him, in the last few weeks he has got more "adventurous" suggesting different things that are to me PORN and nothing but..if you know what I mean

Now he’s at fault for suggesting something more adventurous in the bedroom? And apparently you define something more adventurous in the bedroom as porn too? If it involved photography / filming then I can understand - otherwise WTF?

He knows that pron makes me feel inadequate and unattractive because there is no way I could ever compete...I just want some advice as to what do next? Am I being unfair? Does this mean he doesnt love me!?

TBH, it means he must love you, as that is the only explanation I can think of why he puts up with your shìt.

Please see a professional, you seem to have serious issues with sex and trust and if you don’t deal with them now, they’ll cause you increasing levels of heartache as you grow older as you discover that people do look at porn, get adventurous in the bedroom and resent having their privacy invaded.