32 and single, starting to panic

LegacyUser

OK Im 32 and single and can frankly see myself that way for awhile as my last reletionship ended badly and I dont want another for awhile. Is there a cutoff point where people should be settled down or am I worried over nothing?

Cinamon Girl

I am 37 and am trying to start out again after ending a 13 year relationship. I don't consider myself too old or past it. I have friends who have just 'settled down' in the last year or two.

There is no age limit. And there will always be plenty of people in the same situation as you are.

ArphaRima

Nah. You're grand. Work with plenty of people who are unmarried well over thirty. The women seem to get well twitchy from 29 up though...

mariaalice

i work with someone who got married at 39..and before that she hadn't been out with anyone for 5 years...

Darragh29

Don't know why people panic about settling down at a certain age. I'm not single but if I was I wouldn't be worried about it!

Philistine

32 ? you're only a nipper ! Start panicing when you're 42 !!!

embee

With regards to marriage, two of my aunts have gotten married in their 40s, an uncle got married in his 40s, and another aunt married in her late 30s. I shouldn't worry too much about it. If marriage isn't what you are after, then I wouldn't worry too much about that either. It might be a cliché, but you'll probably meet someone when you're not looking for a partner.

Gateway

I'm 33 now and was in a seven year relationship. We ended on good terms just over 18 months ago. I've been with a few girls here and there and love being single and having my own pad and doing my own thing.

Now I've started to date some one and I'm already missing being single and free even though I really like this girl!

Nuttzz

do you have to get married? really?

DOLEMAN

I don't think there is any problem as long as you stay in shape (even just for your confidence!) and stay positive and youthful.

While I don't believe there is any "cut off point" it things obviously get harder with age...

koneko

It's nice to be with someone, but it shouldn't rule your life. And the more you worry about it, the less chance it will happen. Put it out of your mind if you can, and enjoy life! 32 is still young, tbh. Don't get into a serious relationship if that isn't what you want, just because it's "what people do".
My mam met someone in her 40s and bought a house with him.

Marksie

There should be no pressure at all. Life is for living and if you panic about things it will only make it worse. It will show. It is societies norms that dictate that one should be in a marriage/ serious relationship.
Heal yourself over your last relationship, but dont rush into a commitment which will leave you hurt again.
I have known people who got married at 54!
And i know people who rushed into marriage cos they felt the clock ticking and are now very very unhappy!

BeardyGit

I'm not going to say it's silly to be worried or bothered like everyone else so far.

If you're happy to just take whatever life throws at you, just go with the flow. But if you want to get married, enjoy life together for a couple of years and then have kids - Get your game on - The clock is ticking.

I'm not being a smart arse - I just don't believe is telling someone not to worry/stress when their own desires and their current life circumstances may give legitimate reason to worry!

Gil

Dustaz

Im in the same position as you OP. Long term relationship ended a year ago and now i find myself single at 33. Its not something i EVER worried about before, but im starting to get a little bit antsy and its a strange feeling.

Its more for the kids reason i guess. You can meet someone at any time in your life, but if you want to have kids and enjoy life with them then i cant help but feel that gil_dub is right. Not that im out desperatly trying to get some bird up the spout, i guess its just in the back of my mind more.

Sigh, guess i had to grow up a bit eventually

The Corinthian

I think one thing that gets harder is we become more inflexible as we grow older. We pick up bad habits, or simply our own habits, that may be incompatible with others. Our careers become more central to our identities and so even there we may be less likely to compromise for another - such as moving abroad, which is sometimes called for in relationships. This is not to say we can’t compromise for others, only that we become less predisposed to it, as we would have to change long held habits to do so, making it harder for us to do.

Secondly, gender is a factor. Men are luckier in this regard for two reasons, firstly is that we can theoretically father children much, much longer than women. Secondly is the convention that younger women tend to go for older men.

Of course, this is not to say there are not limitations - sperm quality decreases over time, for example. Also, while a sixty-year-old man could still father a child, he’s not likely to be in a relationship with a woman young enough to do so. Of course, there are exceptions to the rule, but in most cases men tend to be less than five or ten years older than their partners, so the biological clock realistically applies to us too.

I would think though that the only real reason of the above to really worry is children, because there is essentially a biological cut-off there. If this is important to you then you should probably worry about it if you’re female and 35 or male and 40. That’s not to say it’s the end of the World if you’re single at 50 and want kids, only that it becomes an awful lot harder.

If having children is not an issue, I wouldn’t worry about it, TBH.

Nevyn

There is the saying that 'Bachelorhood is a bad habit which once men get into can be hard to break them of it.' but it can applly equally to women who will run thier life and household in a certain way and expect a parnter to slot in.

With the extended childhood and lack of serious responsiblities for a lot people until they have finished up college and have living a little 30 can catch up on people while they are not looking and suddenly they expect to
being doing something or have had done something with thier life so far.

No one likes the idea of waking up and finding that you are no longer peter pan but have moved into the role of captian hook and will end up 'old alone and done for'.

Certainly the bad ending of your last relationship will have you looking at life in a negative manner but considering that bad ending it may have been as well you were not settled and that there were not children.

Give yourself some time to recover and don't get yourslef into knots over it.
People trip, stumble and fall into relationships everyday of the week and when they are usually not expecting it.

BeardyGit

Thaedydal wrote:

Give yourself some time to recover and don't get yourslef into knots over it.
People trip, stumble and fall into relationships everyday of the week and when they are usually not expecting it.

I agree....

But I dread to think of the number of lonely, late 30's/early 40's professionals who were crippled by their fear as a result of a failed relationship earlier in life and are now dealing with the prospect of a lone future or else struggling with the 'difficulties' mentioned by The Corinthian above. For a few years now I've worked with many men (of all things) who are like this - Yeah, the I.T. industry of course! :-)

While it's well and good to take time to recover - Make sure it's not at the expense of whatever you've decided you want for yourself from life. If you do want marriange, kids etc., make sure you're open and honest about that from day one when you meet someone new - I don't mean in a scary bunny boiler kind of way, I just mean that the conversation should be had before you've invested too much in a relationship that simply doesn't have a future. Don't let anyone waste your time as life really is too short.

Take time to recover and reassess your priorities and then get back in there, if it really is what you want for yourself. It's not a case of panicking and just settling for the first prospective partner that comes along - It's about being strong enough to take the chance and remain open until you've met a person you can share your hopes and dreams with.

Hope that makes sense.

Gil

metrovelvet

You have a choice. Motivate yourself by fear or motivate yourself by love.

Stay calm. Dont panic. You'll make hasty and unwise decisions.

Instead work on loving yourself - and discover the things you love -and good things will come your way.

6th

I cant see a problem unless you decide you wants kids. Though that said the limit for that is rising all the time - didnt a 60something have a kid last year?

empirix

And if the worse comes to the worst....well theres always mail order brides from Thailand, Russia.......

shoegirl

The Corinthian wrote:

Secondly, gender is a factor. Men are luckier in this regard for two reasons, firstly is that we can theoretically father children much, much longer than women. Secondly is the convention that younger women tend to go for older men.

Really!? I never knew that women could father children!?

But seriously though, convention won't make you happy and what many women regard as the "biological clock" is convention also (or at worst, social pressure). If somebody feels that they "need" have children to make them "complete" then they are either listening to social pressure or there is something wrong.

Culture is a lot to do with it. For example, many gay men regard being over 30 as being ancient and over the hill, and its nothing to do with breeding ability. If you must isten to the voice of convention fair enough, but realise that fitting in with it won't make you happy in the first place.

In my experience in any case a lot of the older guys who end up with younger women generally do so because they have the maturity level of somebody much much younger.

metrovelvet

shoegirl wrote:

In my experience in any case a lot of the older guys who end up with younger women generally do so because they have the maturity level of somebody much much younger.

And also because they want to ensure the carrying on of their progeny. Saying that older women are increasingly interested in younger men, for obvious reasons.

The Corinthian

shoegirl wrote:

Really!? I never knew that women could father children!?

Pedant.

If somebody feels that they "need" have children to make them "complete" then they are either listening to social pressure or there is something wrong.

Actually, there’s probably nothing wrong. The instinct to procreate is not social, it’s biological. Social pressure may add to it, but ultimately that’s how we’re wired.

In my experience in any case a lot of the older guys who end up with younger women generally do so because they have the maturity level of somebody much much younger.

The majority of guys who settle down do end up with younger women though. So unless you want to suggest that men are in general immature when compared to women then there are probably numerous other social and biological factors at play. Relative maturity may be an issue too in some cases, but frankly you don’t really mature all that much after a certain age anyway so it really becomes meaningless after that point.

metrovelvet

Can someone offer a rough definition of what constitutes "older" and "younger"?

The Corinthian

metrovelvet wrote:

Can someone offer a rough definition of what constitutes "older" and "younger"?

Read my previous post.

Gateway

shoegirl wrote:

In my experience in any case a lot of the older guys who end up with younger women generally do so because they have the maturity level of somebody much much younger.

Your seem to hang around with the wrong guys then!

McGinty

Originally Posted by shoegirl
In my experience in any case a lot of the older guys who end up with younger women generally do so because they have the maturity level of somebody much much younger.

I disagree I've been out with men that were older than me. but not immature and men younger than me and it was the same. I just liked the person and visa versa. With regards the age thing for settling down, I would concur if you truly desire children, then age does play a factor. I'm lucky in that yes I'm single, have been for a long time, but I also have a child, so there is no pressure for me to find someone. I would only say to the op and others who feel the same way, for God sake don't just settle for any man or woman, don't be with someone for the sake of being with someone, it is unfair to you and your potential partner, the risk is you may end up alone with no children, but the other side is divorce, raising a child alone (I'm doing that) and a whole host of problems. It is not the end of the world being alone, in actual fact its quite nice, if I do meet a special man, then great and I welcome it, but if not its okay too. Life your life by your own rules not by society.

The Corinthian

McGinty wrote:

I would only say to the op and others who feel the same way, for God sake don't just settle for any man or woman, don't be with someone for the sake of being with someone

This is the $64,000 question really. What is settling for any man or woman, after all? How ideal should the other person be? After all too picky is perhaps as bad as too indiscriminate. How large a flaw is acceptable, what type, and how to judge it - with the head or with the heart?

Coming from the perspective of a roué, where each and every woman in my life has been almost perfect, I often wonder what the answer is.

/me shrugs

RampagingBadger

First of all people are right to say not to live by what society expects you to do. However they're also right to say that yee olde 'Broody' feeling is a natural thing that people get irrespective of what society inflicts on them. Not all people get it, some hardly get it others get it real bad. Some people I know swore blind that they never wanted kids but hit their late 20s and just felt the urge. Nothing wrong with that.

As to being too old. For a women 32 is very late to be looking for a fella if you want a family and kids (bearing in mind that you probably want to get to know someone for a year or 2 before bearing their kids). For guys 32 is grand. Chillax you've got plenty of time.

Supercell

RampagingBadger wrote:

As to being too old. For a women 32 is very late to be looking for a fella if you want a family and kids (bearing in mind that you probably want to get to know someone for a year or 2 before bearing their kids). For guys 32 is grand. Chillax you've got plenty of time.

Hmm biologically is 32 a valid signpost for women far past their prime, seems very young to me?, would have thought up until their early 40's but maybe someone else can correct?

The Sweeper

To the OP: people who feel you have all the time in the world are probably not near the age of 30.

You're not old, by any means. Advances in modern medicine mean men and women now live into their seventies. Less than half your life is gone. You have ages ahead of you.

But having kids later in life is a big issue. If you're a woman, your biological clock isn't convention or social pressure, as Shoegirl will realise when she hits her early thirties and hers bites her on the ass. If you want kids, whether you're male or female, you really can't put them off much past your thirties. Do you want to be the father of a 20 year old at 70, or the mother of a university student in your sixties?

There are biological risks with later pregnancies - Down's Syndrome. About one in every 365 women over 35 years of age will give birth to a Down's Syndrome child. That risk climbs to one in 105 for women who are 40 years of age.

My parents had me late in life - they were in their early forties. I have two older siblings, but having older parents makes a difference to your life. First of all, they can find it even more difficult to understand you in your teens because of the generation gap. They can tend to be less involved in all the parenting things you might hope they'd be involved in - perhaps they have less energy or feel awkward around the younger parents.

I have friends in their thirties who go hiking, skiing and camping with their baby-boomer 50-something parents. My 70-something folks will never do anything like that with me.

Plus, I have no kids. I'm 30 this year. It'll be a few years before I think about kids, so I'll be one of those risk-prone first-child-in-her-thirties mothers. And the chances of my parents being around to help me out with much other than their wisdom is slim.

At the same time, a HUGE amount can happen in a mere six months. You may need to slow the pace of your life a bit, so you can appreciate the time you DO have now, instead of waking up at 35 and thinking 'oh sh1t, where did the last three and a half decades go...'