over the top or acceptable

LegacyUser

just wondering if i'm overreacting here? i've been with my boyfriend for two years. since the start i've pretty much made it clear about my feelings towards porn. i cant stand it myself and i hate the idea of my boyfriend watching it. i've very low self esteem and cant help feeling inadequate and ugly compared to pornstars. i've told him how i feel and asked him to not watch it. its been ok for the past while.
but we recently got the internet and i've just found out he's been visiting porn sites when i'm in bed. i'm pretty upset about it but dont know what to do. do i let it go and accept that this is 'what guys do', or do i say it to him and probably have a big argument. i just feel like he's going behind my back and feel lied to. do other people have this problem?
in my opinion, i think he shouldn't visit these sites since i made it clear to him how i feel.

RainbowBrite

Seriously over the top imo.

I think the two years he's commited himself to you should speak for itself.
It's you he wants, but what's the harm in looking, it's only fantasy.

If I was you, I'd concentrate more on sorting out your low self esteem, & please don't blame his looking at porn for your low self esteem.

It IS what guys do, let him get on with it, it's no biggie!!

metrovelvet

What kind of porn is it?

takola

Completely over the top!!!! You're his girlfriend not his mother! You cant just tell him what to do and expect to be obeyed for god sake! He isn't going out sleeping with other girls. What he's doing is completely natural and not wrong.

Fact.. He's with you. He wouldnt have spent the last two years with you if he thought you were "inadequate" in any way. Trust me! This really isnt anything to worry about.

secret_squirrel

Have you ever fantasized about sex? Thats all porn is - another fantasy. Relax.

Metacortex

Im with the other posters here. I think you're being totally over the top.
My b/f of 6 years watches porn, its not a big deal. I watch it too, its not just for men!
Its just a fantasty, it doesn't mean anything

cupsoftea

I wouldn't be too happy if my boyfriend was looking at porn, to be honest. I think alot of people would feel the same. Its not a lack of self esteem but I don't want my boyfriend openly fantasing about other women whether or not they are actressess or people he knows. And you seem to be quite against pornography and he knows this and yet persists on using it, I think you are perfectly entitled to get angry.

Kinetic^

cupsoftea wrote:

I wouldn't be too happy if my boyfriend was looking at porn, to be honest. I think alot of people would feel the same. Its not a lack of self esteem but I don't want my boyfriend openly fantasing about other women whether or not they are actressess or people he knows. And you seem to be quite against pornography and he knows this and yet persists on using it, I think you are perfectly entitled to get angry.

What a joke!!! I don't like my girlfriend watching big brother because I think only retarded people watch it....but she watches it anyway but that doesn't maker her retarded!!! The guy needs some other outlet, as do 99% of men out there.

I think you're not being honest with yourself if you think that alot of people would feel the same.

If your bf can't disinguish between reality and porn then there's where the issue may lie but that doesn't seem to be the case so why go causing a load of hassle for nothing.

honru

pronto wrote:

i've very low self esteem and cant help feeling inadequate and ugly compared to pornstars.

It would seem that the problem is with you, not with your boyfriend.

snappieT

I don't think the issue is that he's looking at porn. The issue is that he's going behind your back when he said he wouldn't. That's something that really needs to be sorted.

Bluebells

If you have a problem with it, you have a problem with it, whether people see that as right or wrong thats how you feel- you are being honest with your feelings.
The problem is that he's being lieing to you, which makes you feel worse.
You are not being over the top, you havent even said anything to your boyfriend and you feel terrible!
Talk to him, dont go mad, or scream or shout or blame him, just explain how hurt you were by him lieing and explain how much pain you feel when you think of what he was doing.
Get him to explain to you why he does it so you understand it a bit more.
Remember what they look at is not the individual person per say but just the whole sexual acts thing. These girls are not real people, mostly plastic and make-up, any of us can look like that if we had the same. Its all illusion, media has created what is beautifull and sexy.
At the same time try and understand how it is for him. The last thing he probably wanted was to hurt you. He probably just uses it as something to look at when he has to, you know. Just a release, theres nothing like the real thing, he'd always go to you first dont worry!
In my opinion its all about comprimise, tell him as long as he is honest about what he is doing and if he cuts down to maybe once a week you dont mind and that you will try your best to feel ok with it.
He loves you, both of you have to work together, just tell him you need lots of reassurence.
Hope all goes ok, goodluck.

chump

Keyser Soze 5 wrote:

What a joke!!! I don't like my girlfriend watching big brother because I think only retarded people watch it....but she watches it anyway but that doesn't maker her retarded!!! The guy needs some other outlet, as do 99% of men out there.

Keyser Soze 5 you're missing out pal
Tis a cracking way to waste a few hours of life!

Kinetic^

chump wrote:

Keyser Soze 5 you're missing out pal
Tis a cracking way to waste a few hours of life!

Ah lad, you're having a giraffe. Maybe you should try the looking at this thing called "porn", apparently it's all over the internet

oulu

What would you do if he told you to stop watching the soaps ,Have you ever watched a porn movie if not why not try watch with your fellow, porn can be healthly in a relationship as well as been a problem, Remember it is only normal for a man to want to look at naked women been naughty

jimmycrackcorm

All I'd say to the OP is that if she didn't have a self-esteem problem then she would he no problem with porn. More to the point - Does she really think that her boyfirend like every other male on the planet doesn't see hot chicks walking down the street and think I'd like to bed her?

cupsoftea

I don't really think that watching porn is the same as watching big brother or the soaps. The OP feels uncomfortable about porn and probably isn't going to suggest watching it along with her boyfriend. She obviously has seen enough to know that she doesn't like it and that it makes her compare her body unfavourably to the actresses on the screen. There is nothing wrong with watching naked people being sexual but the main problem with porn is that at any minute it can turn into mysogynist drivel that can be utterly degrading to women, which can be enough to put you off for life. It is a worry that men never seem to mind those bits.
But I still don't think there is anything wrong with the OP feeling angry about things.

Chucky the tree

cupsoftea wrote:

There is nothing wrong with watching naked people being sexual but the main problem with porn is that at any minute it can turn into mysogynist drivel that can be utterly degrading to women, which can be enough to put you off for life. It is a worry that men never seem to mind those bits.

:rolleyes:

Kinetic^

cupsoftea wrote:

There is nothing wrong with watching naked people being sexual but the main problem with porn is that at any minute it can turn into mysogynist drivel that can be utterly degrading to women, which can be enough to put you off for life. It is a worry that men never seem to mind those bits.
But I still don't think there is anything wrong with the OP feeling angry about things.

Anyone order a feminist? Going once, going twice, sorry not sold!!!

Gator

Damn...didnt get there in time!!

Fanny Cradock

Turn the tables and start watching cock porn. See how he likes it! Hopefully, from your perspective, not too much.

It's a bit of a generalisation to say that women like soaps and men like porn ( I now have a horrible image of Pat Butcher in my mind *shudder*). In a relationship I think porn can add a bit of spice. However, on your own it's just depressing - consequently I gave it up.

I've said too much.....

Taklk to your BF. If the reason for your discomfort lies solely within your own low self esteem, and not some moral objetion, then it says more about yourself than how your BF gets his thrills. Though, as a guy, I can genuinely understand why this may upset you a little. This said, I think you are taking it a bit too much to heart. As has been pointed out, it's merely a fantasy!

Smellyirishman

Take a look at this thread it may ease your mind a little. I think your better off just telling him that he can watch it if he wants, IMO if you don't it will result in a; Him looking at it behind your back (and you getting upset, or having an arguement when you find out), or b; him getting somewhat frustrated.

It's a natural thing (within reason)and nobody is trying to make you watch it, so you may as well let him watch it (because as you can see in the thread, it's not about wanting your GF to be like the girls in the movies).

Seraphina

cupsoftea wrote:

There is nothing wrong with watching naked people being sexual but the main problem with porn is that at any minute it can turn into mysogynist drivel that can be utterly degrading to women, which can be enough to put you off for life. It is a worry that men never seem to mind those bits.

laugh and call me a feminist, or roll your eyes, but i have to agree with cupsoftea on this part.

i remember a male friend laughing his head off telling me about this porno he saw in which the girl was going around on her hands and knees and oinking like a pig. consequently, while engaging in some dp, there were repeated shouts of 'oink bitch, oink!' which the girl couldn't do because she was being erm... 'treated' pretty roughly by the guys. my mate seemed to find this quite amusing.

i like that kinda stuff at all, and this and situations like it are really the only problem i have with porn. unfortunately they are all too prevalent. **** like bangbus, where the guys are trying to give the impression that all the girls are dumb whores and pretending they dont pay them in the end etc. i just dont like the attitude towards the women in alot of it *shrugs*

the_syco

I haven't read much of the other posts, but I find, from a man's point of view, that sexual fanasties are imagery based. That is, most men need lots of pictures to "help" them wack off.

Seemingly women can get randy on romance novels, but men will need a 20 minute porno to get the same level of randiness.

Do you read romance novels, and if so, if your bf told you to stop reading them, would you? I know that its not the same, but netherless I ask.

LegacyUser

thanks for the replies guys. i havent spoken to him about it yet because i want to have a clear mind about whats upsetting me. i dont look at other men and wonder what he's like naked or if he'd be good in bed. i can notice if his goodlooking or not but thats about it. i'm satisfied with my boyfriend and dont feel the need to look elsewhere. i guess that's what hurts. he pays to look at other women naked and i see that along the same lines as going to a whore. (obviously not as strong but its a little similar). but i've got some good comments back from you all so hopefully i can work this out in my head.

LegacyUser

Which of the following are the bigger problem for you:

1. That he is watching porn despite your telling him you would rather he didn't.
2. His watching porn behind your back when you are asleap.
3. Remove him from the equation- is it a problem you yourself have with porn, rather than with your boyfriend?

On the scale of things (depending on the nature of the porn) its a relatively minor thing. I'm not against porn per se- but I would agree that a lot of it is ott. I'd also agree with the particular example from Seraphina.

In general some people go for porn, outright, for the sake of porn. Others, like there to be at very least some attempt to attach a story to it. I'm guessing most guys are in the former category, and girls in the latter.

At the end of the day if it is something that is driving a wedge between you- you have to sit down and discuss it. Its not unnatural- nor is it anything out of the ordinary.

You say you feel inadequate in comparison to the porn stars. Most guys feel inadequate in comparison with the male *performers*. Its not real life, no-one expects it to be, while it may not be escapism quite on the scale of watching Big Brother- they are relative things and just different in nature. My g/f loves big brother and last year kept coming out with comments like why couldn't I be more like X (whoever) on big brother- until I really felt like murdering the guy.......

Take care.

Ickle Magoo

OP,

I would only have a problem with my husband looking at/watching porn if it was secretive and/or replacing something in our relationship....having a **** is perfectly normal/healthy/etc if you are tired, stressed or horny and have no other outlet...if you have a partner lying upstairs who would love to have sex but you can't fulfill them because you have wanked over porn...then Houston, we have a problem....

There does seem to be several issues here....your negative body image needs to be addressed and it is unfair to project that onto your boyfriend - but he is equally in the wrong....secrets & lies have no place in any kind of relationship and porn only has a place in some relationships....if you boyfriends cannot refrain from using porn behind your back & you find that unacceptable then you need to talk to him about it...maybe he can help you to see that it just a stress-reliever/prop for him rather than saying anything more sinister about your relationship? Maybe you could look at porn together? I know a few women who were utterly shocked that their partners use porn but accepted it & it is now a regular part of their sex life....then again, many women hate porn and find it sucha betrayal of trust and respect that they end the relationship - only you know what you can live with....either way, I'd say you are normal! Best of luck

Hermione*

I would have to agree with other posters, and think that your self-esteem would have to be a factor in this.

It genuinely doesn't bother me. It just the way guys are imo.

Crash

Yeah we're all porn hounds. one thing if it puts your mind at ease btw OP, I sincerely doubt he's paying for porn. there's way too much on the net for free (unless he's an eejit).

The simple fact is I don't think, as that other thread showed, guys compare really. I don't. I'd have no interest in a pornstar girlfriend (bring her home for dinner - "Hi Mom, Hi Dad" - then she introduces the idea of a foursome in the middle of the dining room table on top of the roast turkey for dinner - NOT FOR ME personally :P)

Out of interest, would you ever fantasise personally about anything sexual? because for most guys, thats all it is. an outlet for sexual tension pretty much. Its gotta be done at some point :P

Nevyn

This topic as sod all to do with being a feminist.
It is to do with how one person feels about herslef, her relatinship and the behaviour of her partner.
What is acceptible to some people need not be acceptible to all in thier relationship.

pronto most women in porn are not real nor are they average, they spend a lot of time and money too look they way they do ( freaky imho for the post part ).
Would you be arsed wanting to look like that ? really ?
What about watching pron with him ?
what about getting a few erotic novels and reading them yourslef or to him ?

secret_squirrel

cupsoftea wrote:

I wouldn't be too happy if my boyfriend was looking at porn, to be honest.

I guarantee that 99% of men have watched porn whilst in a relationship.

You might not think he does but he does and has. Not necessarily regularly but he has.

Its a man thing - dont try to understand it.

You need shoes.

We need porn.

secret_squirrel

secret_squirrel wrote:

I guarantee that 99% of men have watched porn whilst in a relationship.

You might not think he does but he does and has. Not necessarily regularly but he has.

Its a man thing - dont try to understand it.

You need shoes.

We need porn.

Are you male?!

In any case, I see nothing wrong with pron, I watch it sometimes with my bf as well. It's just fantasy. It doesn't mean they're going to run off with someone. Just like you talking about how hot celebrities are(presumably you have some opinion on this?) doesn't mean you constantly compare your bf to them.

missingtime

I would say if he actually pays for it then maybe there's a little problem. Sure, there's loads of free stuff all over the shop.
I have to admit doing it if you are asleep is a bit much.At least if ye were apart he'd have some excuse.
If you want to stay with him try maybe looking at some porn for couples.Probably not his cup of tea but if you were with him twud make all the difference.

Another quick point my gf doesn't like me getting FHM.I dont get it that often but whenever i do she gets a bit odd but in the end I'd be struggling to get it off her. You never know ye might enjoy it together.

seamus

This is one of those cases where going behind your back doesn't necessarily mean that he's constantly lying to you about everything or that there are latent troubles in the relationship.

For a lot of men, asking them to never look at porn because you don't like it, is like asking a dog to never licks its testicles because it looks awful. They'll agree at the time and look sorry, but five minutes later they'll be off again.

Whereas in most other cases, he'll probably argue his case and tell you if he thinks your being unreasonable, the porn thing is a little unique - if he stands his ground and demands his rights to look at porn, then he (in his eyes) is publically admitting that he masturbates. And this is still a big taboo in Irish (and UK) culture - masturbation is fine as long as someone else is doing it for you, but once it comes to self-pleasuring, many people see it as something which should be hidden away, even from their partners.

Perhaps you should join him to see what he's getting out of it? Buy/rent a porn movie and watch it in bed together. He probably won't even get 30 seconds in before he's all over you.

Sam Vimes

snappieT wrote:

I don't think the issue is that he's looking at porn. The issue is that he's going behind your back when he said he wouldn't. That's something that really needs to be sorted.

to be fair, would you say to your girlfriend : "see you in a while. i'm off to look at naked women".

seamus

^^
My case in point

The Corinthian

I went out with a girl years ago that was of the conviction that ‘meat is murder’. As such, she early on in the relationship tried to impose upon me that I should become a vegetarian.

For a short while I played along with her, while grabbing a sly burger or stake on the side. After all, apart from the Veggi-nazi thing, she was a nice, fun girl and also was able to bend and contort her body in so many fun ways. No man would give that up likely.

But ultimately I told her that it wouldn’t work out if this became a prerequisite of the relationship; not simply because I like meat, but also because I did not want forced upon me a morality that I simply could not agree with. After all, if God didn’t want us to eat meat, He wouldn’t have made animals out of food.

I could compromise and eat less meat and never in her company, but that was not good enough for her, so that was that.

From what I can see is that much the same thing is happening here. The OP is imposing her morality on her boyfriend. No one is suggesting that he is cheating on her and in response he’s doing so behind her back, which is his, erroneous in my view, way of compromising.

Anyhow, there are three possible solutions. Firstly, she can learn to deal with it. This might involve her participation in looking at porn with her boyfriend, or looking at porn herself, or simply placing boundaries whereby he can look at it and she can turn a blind eye.

Secondly is where she imposes her morality on him - “it’s either the porn or me”. Given that he’s invested already in a long-term relationship he’ll most likely pick her over porn, however he will resent her for this. And, even if not the principal reason, it may well contribute to a future break up or infidelity.

Finally is substitution. To put it bluntly, an empty sack is a happy sack. It’s not unusual for men to look at porn because their libidos are higher than their partners - the OP likes sex three times a week, while he may well like it three times a day, type of thing. So if she can keep up with his fantasies and libido then she will not need to ask him to stop looking at porn.

Ultimately the OP is asking him to give something up. I’ve yet to hear her suggest that she’ll give something in return or otherwise compromise.

Talliesin

The Corinthian wrote:

But ultimately I told her that it wouldn’t work out if this became a prerequisite of the relationship; not simply because I like meat, but also because I did not want forced upon me a morality that I simply could not agree with.

This is a fair point. However it's just as through that if he expects her to tolerate pornography that he is forcing his morality (one in which either porn is okay, or in which it's not okay but he uses it anyway) on her.

Smellyirishman

Talliesin wrote:

it's just as though that if he expects her to tolerate pornography that he is forcing his morality (one in which either porn is okay, or in which it's not okay but he uses it anyway) on her.

No, because she does not have to watch the porn.

If he came to her and said "If we are going to stay together, you must watch porn with me every week" that would be forcing her.

The Corinthian

Smellyirishman wrote:

No, because she does not have to watch the porn.

No, he has a point. If her boyfriend were a drug dealer and she found this morally objectionable, simply because she does not deal drugs herself does not absolve the situation.

Of course, all this assumes that her objection is purely moral, which, by her own admission, it is not.

Altheus

Seraphina wrote:

the girl was going around on her hands and knees and oinking like a pig. consequently, while engaging in some dp, there were repeated shouts of 'oink bitch, oink!' which the girl couldn't do because she was being erm... 'treated' pretty roughly by the guys. my mate seemed to find this quite amusing.

That was hilarious. Absolutely hilarious. I'd be more worried if he grunted and moaned at it rather than see the absolutely absurd fetishisation. Porn can be graceful and tastefull, even with DP and pig masks, or it can be absurd and rough. After all it's all fantasy, whether softcore playboy or hardcore bang bros.

To the OP, this is your call.

What is it about porn that you don't like? Is it your own self-esteem, a feminist agenda, a moral objection? What's the basis, what are the terms? Are they reasonable. Do you apply any other conservative rules to other areas of your life, i.e. sex.

Personally I feel that you have no right to tell your boyfriend what he can and can't do. What you can do is discuss it, and come to some sort of agreement. Simply tarring something unacceptable, and then to have it come back to bite you in the ass in no surprise.

The fact is, that looking at porn and masturbating is not the same as sleeping around or soliciting prostitutes, in fact it's not even like going to a tittie bar. It's not cheating, it's not flirting. It has no correlation in my mind to real relationships, apart from maybe watching one with a girl for a laugh.

I think that you're going to fight a losing battle, because it is rarity that you'll find a man willing to give up looking up a good skinflick so as he doesnt hurt his demanding over-sensitive girlfriend. I certainly wouldn't.

Altheus

The Corinthian wrote:

No, he has a point. If her boyfriend were a drug dealer and she found this morally objectionable, simply because she does not deal drugs herself does not absolve the situation.

Of course, all this assumes that her objection is purely moral, which, by her own admission, it is not.

Drugs and porn? There's a bit of a difference. One is illegal, has far-reaching local and worldwide repercussions, social detractions, and a lot more baggage.

Flicking on Bravo at 1am should never be comparable to drug dealing, even with absolute moral law.

The Corinthian

Altheus wrote:

Drugs and porn? There's a bit of a difference. One is illegal, has far-reaching local and worldwide repercussions, social detractions, and a lot more baggage.

Flicking on Bravo at 1am should never be comparable to drug dealing, even with absolute moral law.

That’s your opinion, your morality. So you might think there’s a bit of a difference, but that’s because you have a different morality. No doubt there are people who would disagree that there’s anything wrong with drug dealing too.

The thing is people have completely different moralities - one man may, for example, feel that homosexuality is abhorrent to the point of seeing killing them as a kindness and another will see the first man as the abhorrent one. And yet both sets of morality exist in this World and they’re just as convinced as you are that “there’s a difference”.

Given this, I suspect it’s more of an academic point, as the moral angle is more of a justification than a reason to the OP.

stovelid

I love my wife but it's none of her business what i look at, including porn.

I would have no problem with her looking at it.

Most people with any sexuality have fantasies. Some people like porn to this end. So what?

The whole issue of whether porn n is exploitative is obviously another (boring) question altogether. The issue here is letting your insecurity unfairly limit your partners freedom to indulge in harmless fantasy.

I think that in the OPs situation, the porn sounds like a minor catalyst for feelings of insecurity and jealously.

I suggest that you talk with your partner about these feelings rather than haranguing him over porn and driving him away.

stovelid

I can understand that movies like this appeal to the worst aspects of men and personally i don't like watching them but it's not really a feminist issue as such.


The "actresses" are not coerced into making the films, in fact they are probably paid quite well.

Why not say the likes of heat and cosmo are proto-porn because they exploit women (or their body issues) to flog beauty products.

Where does it end?

Seraphina wrote:

laugh and call me a feminist, or roll your eyes, but i have to agree with cupsoftea on this part.

i remember a male friend laughing his head off telling me about this porno he saw in which the girl was going around on her hands and knees and oinking like a pig. consequently, while engaging in some dp, there were repeated shouts of 'oink bitch, oink!' which the girl couldn't do because she was being erm... 'treated' pretty roughly by the guys. my mate seemed to find this quite amusing.

Altheus

The Corinthian wrote:

The thing is people have completely different moralities - one man may, for example, feel that homosexuality is abhorrent to the point of seeing killing them as a kindness and another will see the first man as the abhorrent one. And yet both sets of morality exist in this World and they’re just as convinced as you are that “there’s a difference”.

Sure, you can wax philosophical on the point, and I challenge anything to be right or wrong. The fact is the we're trying to find some kind of consensus here. The "difference" here is law, not opinion, which for me instantly supercedes and defeats the moral issue. I'll reiterate that to compare watching pornography and being a drug-dealer in a real discussion involving a relationship is simply farcical.

If you want to draw an analogy to the situation, then the closest I can think of would be drug-use. For instance, if your boyfriend smoked hash, and you dissaproved, you would probably be able to reason this. It costs money, changes behaviour somewhat, perhaps causes hot rocks in the duvet covers.

So, we have good reason and evidence to dislike this behaviour, and can then act upon it accordingly.

In the case of watching pornography the biggest hurdle seems to be the OP's insecurity and not the moral high ground. If it's an issue where your sex life is gone downhill or something else, then perhaps you have some ground, but as far as I can see, it's seem somewhat irrational and a knee-jerk reaction.

LegacyUser

ok guys, let me clear up a few things. i have watched porn, its not someting i'm judging on hearsay. i've watched it with my boyfriend and on my own. neither interested me or helped create a 'mood'. i found it to be a little degrading to women but thats not the main point. i do get jealous of the women in the movies and i know thats my problem not my boyfriends. we have a healthy sex life and i'm openminded to a lot of things. but he watches lesbian porn and thats what i dont like. because there its not about sex as such but about him wanting to watch 2+ women together. it does hurt to think of your partner fantisising about other people no matter what u say. he's clearly looking at it for the women and thats why i feel insecure. its hard to want sex with him when i know he's been getting turned on by other women. reality or fantasy, he's still doing it. i've discussed this with him and have told him i'd rather he didnt watch porn but never said he couldnt. i gave him his choice but let him know where i stood. i agree that if you say 'its me or ...' then you'll have a problem in future. but by him doing something that he knows i hate, is he not comprimising my happiness? where do u draw the line?

The Corinthian

Altheus wrote:

Sure, you can wax philosophical on the point, and I challenge anything to be right or wrong. The fact is the we're trying to find some kind of consensus here.

The thing is with pornography there is no consensus in our Society. People may be broadly forgiving, but that does not mean that they endorse it or consider those opposed to be wholly without merit. Ireland is an Anglophone culture, and like it or not that means that we will have our fair share of hang-ups about sex.

The "difference" here is law, not opinion, which for me instantly supercedes and defeats the moral issue.

Then you would have agreed with the Nuremberg Laws, I take it.

I'll reiterate that to compare watching pornography and being a drug-dealer in a real discussion involving a relationship is simply farcical.

The example was chosen because it would be easy for your average individual to identify with. You didn’t like it; fine, I’m not too bothered.

In the case of watching pornography the biggest hurdle seems to be the OP's insecurity and not the moral high ground. If it's an issue where your sex life is gone downhill or something else, then perhaps you have some ground, but as far as I can see, it's seem somewhat irrational and a knee-jerk reaction.

As I’ve already said a few times, the moral question is a side issue and would agree that the primary one is based upon the OP's own insecurities.

Crucifix

pronto wrote:

ok guys, let me clear up a few things. i have watched porn, its not someting i'm judging on hearsay. i've watched it with my boyfriend and on my own. neither interested me or helped create a 'mood'. i found it to be a little degrading to women but thats not the main point. i do get jealous of the women in the movies and i know thats my problem not my boyfriends. we have a healthy sex life and i'm openminded to a lot of things. but he watches lesbian porn and thats what i dont like. because there its not about sex as such but about him wanting to watch 2+ women together. it does hurt to think of your partner fantisising about other people no matter what u say. he's clearly looking at it for the women and thats why i feel insecure. its hard to want sex with him when i know he's been getting turned on by other women. reality or fantasy, he's still doing it. i've discussed this with him and have told him i'd rather he didnt watch porn but never said he couldnt. i gave him his choice but let him know where i stood. i agree that if you say 'its me or ...' then you'll have a problem in future. but by him doing something that he knows i hate, is he not comprimising my happiness? where do u draw the line?

If he never watched porn again he would still fantasise about other women/get turned on by other women.

coolmoose

as we say "there are two types of men - those who look at porn, and those who lie about it!"

i think men and women view porn from different perspectives. im in a 4 year relationship, and i look at porn. my girlfriend knows this and is ok with it.

as long as he's faithful to you i don't see a problem. approach the issue with him, but asking him to not watch porn is a bit extreme. relationships are give and take, perhaps you can come to a compromise?

aliveandkicking

pronto wrote:

but he watches lesbian porn and thats what i dont like. because there its not about sex as such but about him wanting to watch 2+ women together. it does hurt to think of your partner fantisising about other people no matter what u say. he's clearly looking at it for the women and thats why i feel insecure. its hard to want sex with him when i know he's been getting turned on by other women.

Without wanting to sound harsh, you are just going to have to get your head around this. All men do it, the boyfriend you are with now and any boyfriends you have in the future will do it. If you don't sort your head out now regarding this issue it will become a recurring problem in your life.

Kell

pronto wrote:

i've very low self esteem and cant help feeling inadequate and ugly compared to pornstars.

And you are wondering if you are over reacting?

Perhaps address the root of the issue and then look at it again in a fresh light when you do not suffer from low self esteem and inadequacy issues.

K-