over the top or acceptable

LegacyUser

just wondering if i'm overreacting here? i've been with my boyfriend for two years. since the start i've pretty much made it clear about my feelings towards porn. i cant stand it myself and i hate the idea of my boyfriend watching it. i've very low self esteem and cant help feeling inadequate and ugly compared to pornstars. i've told him how i feel and asked him to not watch it. its been ok for the past while.
but we recently got the internet and i've just found out he's been visiting porn sites when i'm in bed. i'm pretty upset about it but dont know what to do. do i let it go and accept that this is 'what guys do', or do i say it to him and probably have a big argument. i just feel like he's going behind my back and feel lied to. do other people have this problem?
in my opinion, i think he shouldn't visit these sites since i made it clear to him how i feel.

RainbowBrite

Seriously over the top imo.

I think the two years he's commited himself to you should speak for itself.
It's you he wants, but what's the harm in looking, it's only fantasy.

If I was you, I'd concentrate more on sorting out your low self esteem, & please don't blame his looking at porn for your low self esteem.

It IS what guys do, let him get on with it, it's no biggie!!

metrovelvet

What kind of porn is it?

takola

Completely over the top!!!! You're his girlfriend not his mother! You cant just tell him what to do and expect to be obeyed for god sake! He isn't going out sleeping with other girls. What he's doing is completely natural and not wrong.

Fact.. He's with you. He wouldnt have spent the last two years with you if he thought you were "inadequate" in any way. Trust me! This really isnt anything to worry about.

secret_squirrel

Have you ever fantasized about sex? Thats all porn is - another fantasy. Relax.

Metacortex

Im with the other posters here. I think you're being totally over the top.
My b/f of 6 years watches porn, its not a big deal. I watch it too, its not just for men!
Its just a fantasty, it doesn't mean anything

cupsoftea

I wouldn't be too happy if my boyfriend was looking at porn, to be honest. I think alot of people would feel the same. Its not a lack of self esteem but I don't want my boyfriend openly fantasing about other women whether or not they are actressess or people he knows. And you seem to be quite against pornography and he knows this and yet persists on using it, I think you are perfectly entitled to get angry.

Kinetic^

cupsoftea wrote:

I wouldn't be too happy if my boyfriend was looking at porn, to be honest. I think alot of people would feel the same. Its not a lack of self esteem but I don't want my boyfriend openly fantasing about other women whether or not they are actressess or people he knows. And you seem to be quite against pornography and he knows this and yet persists on using it, I think you are perfectly entitled to get angry.

What a joke!!! I don't like my girlfriend watching big brother because I think only retarded people watch it....but she watches it anyway but that doesn't maker her retarded!!! The guy needs some other outlet, as do 99% of men out there.

I think you're not being honest with yourself if you think that alot of people would feel the same.

If your bf can't disinguish between reality and porn then there's where the issue may lie but that doesn't seem to be the case so why go causing a load of hassle for nothing.

honru

pronto wrote:

i've very low self esteem and cant help feeling inadequate and ugly compared to pornstars.

It would seem that the problem is with you, not with your boyfriend.

snappieT

I don't think the issue is that he's looking at porn. The issue is that he's going behind your back when he said he wouldn't. That's something that really needs to be sorted.

Bluebells

If you have a problem with it, you have a problem with it, whether people see that as right or wrong thats how you feel- you are being honest with your feelings.
The problem is that he's being lieing to you, which makes you feel worse.
You are not being over the top, you havent even said anything to your boyfriend and you feel terrible!
Talk to him, dont go mad, or scream or shout or blame him, just explain how hurt you were by him lieing and explain how much pain you feel when you think of what he was doing.
Get him to explain to you why he does it so you understand it a bit more.
Remember what they look at is not the individual person per say but just the whole sexual acts thing. These girls are not real people, mostly plastic and make-up, any of us can look like that if we had the same. Its all illusion, media has created what is beautifull and sexy.
At the same time try and understand how it is for him. The last thing he probably wanted was to hurt you. He probably just uses it as something to look at when he has to, you know. Just a release, theres nothing like the real thing, he'd always go to you first dont worry!
In my opinion its all about comprimise, tell him as long as he is honest about what he is doing and if he cuts down to maybe once a week you dont mind and that you will try your best to feel ok with it.
He loves you, both of you have to work together, just tell him you need lots of reassurence.
Hope all goes ok, goodluck.

chump

Keyser Soze 5 wrote:

What a joke!!! I don't like my girlfriend watching big brother because I think only retarded people watch it....but she watches it anyway but that doesn't maker her retarded!!! The guy needs some other outlet, as do 99% of men out there.

Keyser Soze 5 you're missing out pal
Tis a cracking way to waste a few hours of life!

Kinetic^

chump wrote:

Keyser Soze 5 you're missing out pal
Tis a cracking way to waste a few hours of life!

Ah lad, you're having a giraffe. Maybe you should try the looking at this thing called "porn", apparently it's all over the internet

oulu

What would you do if he told you to stop watching the soaps ,Have you ever watched a porn movie if not why not try watch with your fellow, porn can be healthly in a relationship as well as been a problem, Remember it is only normal for a man to want to look at naked women been naughty

jimmycrackcorm

All I'd say to the OP is that if she didn't have a self-esteem problem then she would he no problem with porn. More to the point - Does she really think that her boyfirend like every other male on the planet doesn't see hot chicks walking down the street and think I'd like to bed her?

cupsoftea

I don't really think that watching porn is the same as watching big brother or the soaps. The OP feels uncomfortable about porn and probably isn't going to suggest watching it along with her boyfriend. She obviously has seen enough to know that she doesn't like it and that it makes her compare her body unfavourably to the actresses on the screen. There is nothing wrong with watching naked people being sexual but the main problem with porn is that at any minute it can turn into mysogynist drivel that can be utterly degrading to women, which can be enough to put you off for life. It is a worry that men never seem to mind those bits.
But I still don't think there is anything wrong with the OP feeling angry about things.

Chucky the tree

cupsoftea wrote:

There is nothing wrong with watching naked people being sexual but the main problem with porn is that at any minute it can turn into mysogynist drivel that can be utterly degrading to women, which can be enough to put you off for life. It is a worry that men never seem to mind those bits.

:rolleyes:

Kinetic^

cupsoftea wrote:

There is nothing wrong with watching naked people being sexual but the main problem with porn is that at any minute it can turn into mysogynist drivel that can be utterly degrading to women, which can be enough to put you off for life. It is a worry that men never seem to mind those bits.
But I still don't think there is anything wrong with the OP feeling angry about things.

Anyone order a feminist? Going once, going twice, sorry not sold!!!

Gator

Damn...didnt get there in time!!

Fanny Cradock

Turn the tables and start watching cock porn. See how he likes it! Hopefully, from your perspective, not too much.

It's a bit of a generalisation to say that women like soaps and men like porn ( I now have a horrible image of Pat Butcher in my mind *shudder*). In a relationship I think porn can add a bit of spice. However, on your own it's just depressing - consequently I gave it up.

I've said too much.....

Taklk to your BF. If the reason for your discomfort lies solely within your own low self esteem, and not some moral objetion, then it says more about yourself than how your BF gets his thrills. Though, as a guy, I can genuinely understand why this may upset you a little. This said, I think you are taking it a bit too much to heart. As has been pointed out, it's merely a fantasy!

Smellyirishman

Take a look at this thread it may ease your mind a little. I think your better off just telling him that he can watch it if he wants, IMO if you don't it will result in a; Him looking at it behind your back (and you getting upset, or having an arguement when you find out), or b; him getting somewhat frustrated.

It's a natural thing (within reason)and nobody is trying to make you watch it, so you may as well let him watch it (because as you can see in the thread, it's not about wanting your GF to be like the girls in the movies).

Seraphina

cupsoftea wrote:

There is nothing wrong with watching naked people being sexual but the main problem with porn is that at any minute it can turn into mysogynist drivel that can be utterly degrading to women, which can be enough to put you off for life. It is a worry that men never seem to mind those bits.

laugh and call me a feminist, or roll your eyes, but i have to agree with cupsoftea on this part.

i remember a male friend laughing his head off telling me about this porno he saw in which the girl was going around on her hands and knees and oinking like a pig. consequently, while engaging in some dp, there were repeated shouts of 'oink bitch, oink!' which the girl couldn't do because she was being erm... 'treated' pretty roughly by the guys. my mate seemed to find this quite amusing.

i like that kinda stuff at all, and this and situations like it are really the only problem i have with porn. unfortunately they are all too prevalent. **** like bangbus, where the guys are trying to give the impression that all the girls are dumb whores and pretending they dont pay them in the end etc. i just dont like the attitude towards the women in alot of it *shrugs*

the_syco

I haven't read much of the other posts, but I find, from a man's point of view, that sexual fanasties are imagery based. That is, most men need lots of pictures to "help" them wack off.

Seemingly women can get randy on romance novels, but men will need a 20 minute porno to get the same level of randiness.

Do you read romance novels, and if so, if your bf told you to stop reading them, would you? I know that its not the same, but netherless I ask.

LegacyUser

thanks for the replies guys. i havent spoken to him about it yet because i want to have a clear mind about whats upsetting me. i dont look at other men and wonder what he's like naked or if he'd be good in bed. i can notice if his goodlooking or not but thats about it. i'm satisfied with my boyfriend and dont feel the need to look elsewhere. i guess that's what hurts. he pays to look at other women naked and i see that along the same lines as going to a whore. (obviously not as strong but its a little similar). but i've got some good comments back from you all so hopefully i can work this out in my head.

LegacyUser

Which of the following are the bigger problem for you:

1. That he is watching porn despite your telling him you would rather he didn't.
2. His watching porn behind your back when you are asleap.
3. Remove him from the equation- is it a problem you yourself have with porn, rather than with your boyfriend?

On the scale of things (depending on the nature of the porn) its a relatively minor thing. I'm not against porn per se- but I would agree that a lot of it is ott. I'd also agree with the particular example from Seraphina.

In general some people go for porn, outright, for the sake of porn. Others, like there to be at very least some attempt to attach a story to it. I'm guessing most guys are in the former category, and girls in the latter.

At the end of the day if it is something that is driving a wedge between you- you have to sit down and discuss it. Its not unnatural- nor is it anything out of the ordinary.

You say you feel inadequate in comparison to the porn stars. Most guys feel inadequate in comparison with the male *performers*. Its not real life, no-one expects it to be, while it may not be escapism quite on the scale of watching Big Brother- they are relative things and just different in nature. My g/f loves big brother and last year kept coming out with comments like why couldn't I be more like X (whoever) on big brother- until I really felt like murdering the guy.......

Take care.

Ickle Magoo

OP,

I would only have a problem with my husband looking at/watching porn if it was secretive and/or replacing something in our relationship....having a **** is perfectly normal/healthy/etc if you are tired, stressed or horny and have no other outlet...if you have a partner lying upstairs who would love to have sex but you can't fulfill them because you have wanked over porn...then Houston, we have a problem....

There does seem to be several issues here....your negative body image needs to be addressed and it is unfair to project that onto your boyfriend - but he is equally in the wrong....secrets & lies have no place in any kind of relationship and porn only has a place in some relationships....if you boyfriends cannot refrain from using porn behind your back & you find that unacceptable then you need to talk to him about it...maybe he can help you to see that it just a stress-reliever/prop for him rather than saying anything more sinister about your relationship? Maybe you could look at porn together? I know a few women who were utterly shocked that their partners use porn but accepted it & it is now a regular part of their sex life....then again, many women hate porn and find it sucha betrayal of trust and respect that they end the relationship - only you know what you can live with....either way, I'd say you are normal! Best of luck

Hermione*

I would have to agree with other posters, and think that your self-esteem would have to be a factor in this.

It genuinely doesn't bother me. It just the way guys are imo.

Crash

Yeah we're all porn hounds. one thing if it puts your mind at ease btw OP, I sincerely doubt he's paying for porn. there's way too much on the net for free (unless he's an eejit).

The simple fact is I don't think, as that other thread showed, guys compare really. I don't. I'd have no interest in a pornstar girlfriend (bring her home for dinner - "Hi Mom, Hi Dad" - then she introduces the idea of a foursome in the middle of the dining room table on top of the roast turkey for dinner - NOT FOR ME personally :P)

Out of interest, would you ever fantasise personally about anything sexual? because for most guys, thats all it is. an outlet for sexual tension pretty much. Its gotta be done at some point :P

Nevyn

This topic as sod all to do with being a feminist.
It is to do with how one person feels about herslef, her relatinship and the behaviour of her partner.
What is acceptible to some people need not be acceptible to all in thier relationship.

pronto most women in porn are not real nor are they average, they spend a lot of time and money too look they way they do ( freaky imho for the post part ).
Would you be arsed wanting to look like that ? really ?
What about watching pron with him ?
what about getting a few erotic novels and reading them yourslef or to him ?

secret_squirrel

cupsoftea wrote:

I wouldn't be too happy if my boyfriend was looking at porn, to be honest.

I guarantee that 99% of men have watched porn whilst in a relationship.

You might not think he does but he does and has. Not necessarily regularly but he has.

Its a man thing - dont try to understand it.

You need shoes.

We need porn.

coffee_cake

secret_squirrel wrote:

I guarantee that 99% of men have watched porn whilst in a relationship.

You might not think he does but he does and has. Not necessarily regularly but he has.

Its a man thing - dont try to understand it.

You need shoes.

We need porn.

Are you male?!

In any case, I see nothing wrong with pron, I watch it sometimes with my bf as well. It's just fantasy. It doesn't mean they're going to run off with someone. Just like you talking about how hot celebrities are(presumably you have some opinion on this?) doesn't mean you constantly compare your bf to them.