How would you feel?

BoozyBabe

Ok, this mightn't exactly be a PI, so move if you want, I just didn't think it was an AH issue either.

I had an occasion over the weekend for getting really dressed up & as I'm bridesmaid in a few weeks, I used this occasion as a trial, so I got the fake tan done professionally, the nails done, the make up done & the hair put up & I had a gorgeous dress.

I'm the 1st to admit, I'm a plain Jane by day, but when I make an effort I can look really well, & I was looking really well that day, everyone commented (well almost!), some didn't even realise it could be me from a distance!!!

Who didn't comment:- my boyfriend, not even a "you look nice", when he saw me he said "well", as in:- hello!!!!! As if I always look like that!

Practically every other boyfriend would've been picking their jaw up off the floor & be saying "wow, you look amazing!!!", but no, I got a "well"

He wouldn't be the best at compliments anyway, so I didn't let it annoy me, or wasn't disappointed really by it. I knew I looked well, & that's all that matters.

But, I just wondered, how would the rest of you react in the above situation:- male & female perspectives.


BTW, before some read too much into it:- we're both crazy about each other, etc, etc, so it's not that he didn't like what he saw.
We were talking the next day & the conversation somehow got round to me, & he mentioned something about my outfit ("that white thing":- meaning the white dress that I was wearing) Jokingly I asked him what was on the dress, which he hadn't got a clue as to the answer, so we had a good laugh at that, as he really is that hopeless. But in the middle of it all he said, "yea, you looked well yesterday", which I thanked him for, & was chuffed that he thought so, but why couldn't he just say it on the day????

6th

Ok he may not usually be good and compliments but on this occassion he's a dick. Even if you didnt look great, with that much effort he should have recognoised it. Seeing as you did you great he shouldnt even have had to think about it.

#15

not to be overly simplistic, but sometimes guys just don't think of saying things like that. There mightn't be a reason for it. I can understand why you might be worried, so just ask him why he couldn't say it to you. He probably did think you looked gorgeous but it just mightn't have occurred to him to say it.

BoozyBabe

No, I'm not worried at all.

I realise he's not good at compliments, hell, I'm not great at giving them myself (btw, I did tell him he looked well), but as 6th said, after making SO much effort, a little whisper at some stage saying "you look lovely" would've been nice to receive.

But, the fact that I didn't get one didn't make the day any less enjoyable by any means.

I just really asked the question to see how others would react, or comments on how they'd feel if their girlfriend made such a big effort, etc.

Like I said, I know how besotted with me he is, even when I'm in a big baggy jumper & tracksuit bottoms, so it's not a "Do you think he fancies me" question.

Thanks for your replies

#15

Perhaps your entitled to feel a little bit miffed. If you are, then you should say it to him. From what you've said, it seems like your both really comfortable together so i wouldn't worry about it.

Linoge

BoozyBabe wrote:

I realise he's not good at compliments, hell, I'm not great at giving them myself (btw, I did tell him he looked well),

You must realise that you are making excuses for him which aren't really valid. Its like saying that someone is "naturally messy" when they are just lazy and don't care or "not very romantic" when they are just thoughtless.

How is he ever going to be "good" at compliments if he can't even realise that after you spend several hours getting ready (and going to a wedding, how dumb is he??!) that then is the time to really splash out and make an effort to say something nice?

Its great that this isn't threatening your relationship, so why don't you let him know that it is usual for a man to compliment a woman when they get dressed up?

I would be ashamed to think that any other men would disagree with me.

BoozyBabe

Yea, I agree with you to an extent Linoge, & I'm actually surprised at the replies I've got so far.

I was expecting more of a "get over yourself, he's a man" type response.

Though a compliment would've been nice, the lack of one didn't take away from anything, so I can't help but feel a "you didn't tell me i looked lovely" type conversation is a bit childish.

I think that would be a case of "get over yourself"

Ah well, if that ends up being my only complaint about him for the rest of my life, I guess I'll be doing pretty well.

Thanks

tman

how would i feel if i were him?
i'd be looking for a way out after reading this post tbh

BoozyBabe

Why?

I did say that the lack of compliment did not annoy me, but my question was:- how would others feel in the same situation.

Why would this make you want to find a way out?

Sleepy

Maybe he doesn't like fake tan? Personally I always prefer women without it, think it tends to make women look cheap.

BoozyBabe

Nah, trust me:- the bluey whiteness of my natural skin is NOT a good look.
I generally don't like fake tan either, but this was professionally done & looked well (not that dark or orange)

Dublinstiofán

Ye girlfriend and i had this row a few weeks ago, some guys simply dont notice, were good at other things so give us a break. Seems to me that ya got the compliment ya were looking for in the end anyway so whats the problem?

Reminds me of an e-mail i got last week:

NOTICE TO WOMEN EVERYWHERE FROM A MAN WHOS HAD ENOUGH:

If you think your fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.

Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, put it down.

Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.

Birthdays, Valentines and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again.

If you ask a question you don't want the answer to, expect an answer you dont want to hear.

Sometimes, We're not thinking about you. Live with it. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to talk about topics such as football or motorsports.

Saturdays and Sundays = Sports. Its like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really!

You have enough clothes.

You have too many shoes.

Crying is blackmail.

Ask for what you want. Let's be clear on this one: subtle hints don't work. Strong hints dont work. Really obvious hints don't work. JUST SAY IT.

No, we don't know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on the calendar - thats what its for.

Most guys own 2-3 pairs of shoes. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

It is neither in your best interest nor outs to take the quiz together, no it doesn't matter which quiz.

If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

Let us ogle. We're going to look anyway; its genetic.

You can either tell us to so something OR tell us how to do something but not both.

Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during the add breaks

ALL men see in only 16 colours. Peach is a fruit, not a colour.

It it itches, it will be scratched.

Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

If we ask what's wrong and you say 'nothing' we will act like nothings wrong. We know you're lying but it's just not worth the hassle.


Thought this was really funny

fuzzywiggle

Yeah I would be annoyed. My bf has done that before..it's irritating! Maybe he doesn't like you looking that well because other men will be after you!!!?

BoozyBabe

Dublinstiof&#225 wrote: »

so whats the problem?

There isn't one.
I never said there was.

I simply wanted to know if others would have reacted the same as me (i.e. DID NOT get annoyed over it), or would it cause upset for some, & for the other arguement:- would most guys say they're like my bf, & just wouldn;t think to say anything (which I DIDN'T have a problem with) or would it be more a case of "I can't believe he didn't say anything"

It was meant more as a general discussion than about my particular experience.

Please stop having a go at me when I've said several times that it didn't bother me that he didn't say anything (but admittedly it'd have been nice if he did, & was nice when he eventually did)

secret_squirrel

You're with a guy who doesnt do compliements very well.

You know this.

Even though you say you are cool with this, you come onto PI and rant about it which suggests you're not.

Get over it or get a new man.

end of.

azezil

Of course I'd love to hear it but I wouldn't expect it, and if I was in his position, even if my was drooling, I more than likely wouldn't say it, I just feel awkward giving compliments.

chicken_food

speaking for myself here, men (I) dont really recognise what flower was on the corner of the mauve dress you wore 16 days ago. We just know it as the purple yoke. Its not that we dont care,we just dont take notice of what you wear all the time.
Fair enough he couldv reassured you a bit more after putting the effort in. Maybe he had other stuff on his mind,couldv been on another planet. Dont sulk about it though, tell him '' is that all i get a well?!'' That would be beneficial as apposed to analysing it to death.
My 2c's really.

cordelia

A good sense of humor is yer only man in this scenario.
Ask him point blank if he likes the outfit. He'll probably say yes. Then tell him "wait until you see the knickers, they're only gorgeous!!
Give him a wink, then head out the door. You'll both have a good laugh and he'll probably say something nice.

Chucky the tree

alot of guys just dont get the importance of compliments to a girl. guys dont really care about recieving them, so most of us dont care about giving them.


Also his mind on the night:
inner voice:"oh shes looking lovely i am going to tell her"
inner voice no.2: " but what if she turns around and asks do i not think she looks lovely all the time, she might be pissed off then"
inner voice: " ****, good point. I just wont say anything"
inner voice no.2: "wow, her best friend has a great ass though"
inner voice: "damn right"

the_syco

Question: if he takes longer than 20 minutes to get ready, do you compliment him?

Oh, and I'd prefer the white skin look than orange fake tan. He may have been afraid to complement you, in the fear that you'd wear the fake tan all the time. Ask him. He may not like the stuff. Some do, some don't.

melekalikimaka

you sound like my girlfriend. its not intentional from guys, we may think you look really well but i personal just dont thinkof saying it, dunno why, if she asks 'how do i look' i'll compliment...most of the time. its uncanny the similarity in issues you have with her, i'm just glad its not just me.

but back to the point, dont let it bother you, maybe say it to him in passing that you'd like him to compliment you more, especially when you make an effort, i'm sure he'll apologise and say you looked stunning and it never dawned on him to say it

therannu

I think that perhaps 'Well!' is a compliment in this situation. It's an exclamation, a bit like 'wow', but not quite as British royal family.

JC 2K3

I think you're a bit insecure and were expecting the compliment a bit too much.

tbh, it doesn't make that much of a difference to guys whether you spend 20 mins getting ready or several hours. In fact I've found myself preferring looks that took less effort sometimes. The fact you spent "so much time" and "so much money" on getting ready didn't necessarily make all that much difference to your appearance. Time + Money != beauty. But then again, that's another topic altogether. Basically, get over it and stop expecting compliments, or just give your boyfriend a list of instructions on when to compliment you.

BoozyBabe

JC 2K3 wrote:

I think you're a bit insecure and were expecting the compliment a bit too much.

FFS:mad: :rolleyes:

How many times do I have to say to ye!!!!!

I didn't care that I didn't get a compliment. I wasnt expecting one, I didn't huff that I didn't get one.

All I said was it'd have been nice if I did.

As I've said a billion times already, to those who bother to actually read the thread properly:- This was a general discussion, not about me sulking, cos I bloody wasn't!!!!

I know my bf, I know what he's like, I love him to bits, I certainly wasn't expecting him to compliment me, knowing him so well, but knowing him as well as I do would've made it even nicer if he had have surprised me with a compliment. Besides that, I couldn't give a rats arse if noone complimented me, trust me, if you saw me you'd know I couldn't care less about appearance

I can obviously see that none of ye can get the concept of this thread, i.e. that been a general discussion on a particular topic, so go ahead & lock this.

Thanks

the_syco

BoozyBabe wrote:

I didn't care that I didn't get a compliment. I wasnt expecting one, I didn't huff that I didn't get one.

All I said was it'd have been nice if I did.

Please reread the above comment. To me it says

"I didn't care that I didn't get a compliment. I was expecting one and it'd have been nice if I did."

If you didn't expect one, you wouldn't have written the thread. As one poster said, most of us men can't tell the difference between a quick hair-do, and a 5 hour beuty maraton, tbh, so don't expect one, if you picked the blue dress instead of the pink dress.

You may tell me to reread your comments, but it may be in fact you who needs to reread your own posts. So far you've snapped at those who advise you to read your own posts, and keep telling us that you expected no comments... "but it'd be nice if you did".

Gordon

BoozyBabe wrote:

Besides that, I couldn't give a rats arse if noone complimented me

But that's just not true.

Personally I think this quote sums up my feelings:

Chucky the tree wrote:

alot of guys just dont get the importance of compliments to a girl. guys dont really care about recieving them, so most of us dont care about giving them.

However, there is one possible alternative. Maybe if your boyfriend feels so strongly about you his love for you is so beyond the bounds of average love that he can see through your physical appearance and into your soul. Hence when he looks at you he isn't seeing your fake tan or your spangly nails but into your character, at your specific personal traits and features.

ie: he's not superficial.

AOR

BoozyBabe wrote:

Who didn't comment:- my boyfriend, not even a "you look nice", when he saw me he said "well", as in:- hello!!!!! As if I always look like that!

Practically every other boyfriend would've been picking their jaw up off the floor & be saying "wow, you look amazing!!!", but no, I got a "well"

But in the middle of it all he said, "yea, you looked well yesterday"

I think your Problem here is you seem to be going out with a dundalk man
I can tell this by the frequency of his "Well" I think you need to stop looking for men in the marshes and look elsewhere!!

Ickle Magoo

If he isn't forthcoming with a compliment, why not just ask him straight out how he think you look at the time & if he said "Well", tell him with a smile & a wink that "Well" is a lousy compliment & to come up with something a little more imaginative next time....

Unless he has as fair bit of experiece dealing with women (which I suspect from your post that he doesn't ) then you may need to tell him what you like & when.....best of luck

tallus

I think the problem is possibly related to the fact that he takes you for granted? I'm speaking from my own experience, and when you're in a relationship you do tend to take things for granted sometimes.
My 2 cents

secret_squirrel

tallus wrote:

he takes you for granted?

The OP has already said that he has never been the most observant - so its more in his nature than suddenly taking her for granted.

tallus

secret_squirrel wrote:

The OP has already said that he has never been the most observant - so its more in his nature than suddenly taking her for granted.

you say that like it's an excuse

Húrin

Linoge wrote:

Its great that this isn't threatening your relationship, so why don't you let him know that it is usual for a man to compliment a woman when they get dressed up?

Don't be his mother. He has a right to be who he is.

I can't believe the OP even considered this worth making a thread about. They love each other, so what more do they need?

secret_squirrel

tallus wrote:

you say that like it's an excuse

No you have interpreted it as me making it into an excuse. Presumably the OP has known what her BF is like all along. If he's unable to change this behaviour she should drop the subject or drop him. Personally I think she's nitpicking - he's obviously got far better qualities or she wouldnt be with him.

How hard is that to understand?

trillianv

Dublinstiof&#225 wrote: »

Ye girlfriend and i had this row a few weeks ago

and i pity her....you've obviously nailed the charm bit down. Did you pick her up with "Your clothes would look great at the bottom of my bed!" Just curious...:D

Beekay

if you were my gf,i would think you looked beautiful/stunning/gorgeous/pretty all the time,so wearing a dress and getting done up wouldn't make me say it because it is what i would think all the time

Canis Lupus

BoozyBabe wrote:

Practically every other boyfriend would've been picking their jaw up off the floor & be saying "wow, you look amazing!!!", but no, I got a "well"

Maybe he sees you as stunning regardless??? Why compliment something that's obvious?

Edit, Beekay got there before me.

BoozyBabe

Can't believe this sh!t is still going on!!!!! :eek:

Will no one just read the line it was meant as a fcuking discussion!!!!

Read into it what you will, I honestly couldn't care less.
There's no point in me saying again that I didn't mind not getting a compliment, as you probably know me & my bf better than I do anyway & will insist that of COURSE I DID mind, even though I keep saying the only point of this thread was to see if others also wouldn't have cared or would they have been offended.


Yes, we love each other like crazy, we have our whole lives planned together, my bf's not in the slightest bit insensitive, or unthoughtful, he's just not good at compliments (which is why it DIDN'T bother me), so there's no hope in hell that I'd ever dream of making something like this an issue.

AOR:- No, my bf's not a Dundalk man.

Why can't ye take the proper meaning out of "it'd have been nice if he did"
What I mean is the following:-
You have a friend, who never ever shares their packet of sweets with you, so when their eating sweets, though you would like one, you're not expecting one as this is the norm, so you think nothing of it. But out of the blue (& out of character) the friend offers you a sweet. Would that not feel extra nice????

That's ALL I meant.

Secret Squirrel:- I wouldn't want him to change his behaviour in any way whatsoever, he couldn't be any more perfect (well in my eyes anyway!!!)

Hurin:- I didn't need to make the thread for my situation anyway, as I've said too many times to count now. It was simply meant as a discussion as to how others would feel in a similar situation.

BF certainly doesn't take me for granted. We are 100% commited to each other so I guess we do expect that the other will be there. That is just normal imo.

Ickle:- thanks for your advice, but honestly, I don't need it. Lack of compliment honestly isn't an issue for me. The hugs, the looks, the little secret wink that says I love you (oh, & him actually saying I love you ) is all I need.

Gordon:- my quote is completely & absolutely true.

The_Syco:- don't bother reading any of the thread because you seem like you're going to take your own meaning from it regardless of what I say anyway.

Thanks for all the replies, but practically NONE of ye have actually answered the actual point of the thread, so again mods:- just lock / delete / whatever...

BigCon

BoozyBabe wrote:

But, I just wondered, how would the rest of you react in the above situation:- male & female perspectives.

I wouldn't react at all as it wouldn't even cross my mind in the first place to expect to be complimented for looking "really well" as everyone else there would be dressed up and looking "really well" too...

Zulu

You evidently really wanted a compliment and are very upset you didn't get one - hence the stropp and the thread.

QED.

BoozyBabe

Zulu wrote:

You evidently really wanted a compliment and are very upset you didn't get one - hence the stropp and the thread.

QED.

Guess I'll just laugh at that one.

The strop (if you wanna call it that) is becuase I'm blue in the face saying something that ye simply want to ignore so the thread will fit into what ye want to believe!!

Thanks BigCon

Thirdfox

Let the uninformed people believe what they want, why should you care? (Difficult to do in practise but not impossible) I have found (through experience) that going back and defending yourself to every uninformed person is time consuming and doesn't serve any great purpose (it also lends to their argument that you are overly sensitive).

On topic: I would try to compliment a girlfriend who has made a lot of effort to look well (especially for an "event").

BoozyBabe

Thirdfox wrote:

Let the uninformed people believe what they want, why should you care? (Difficult to do in practise but not impossible) I have found (through experience) that going back and defending yourself to every uninformed person is time consuming and doesn't serve any great purpose (it also lends to their argument that you are overly sensitive).

Very true Thirdfox, & thankyou.

Thirdfox

No probs (just don't let that approach build into a superiority complex - "I'm not listening because I'm always right " etc. !)

BoozyBabe

Thirdfox wrote:

No probs (just don't let that approach build into a superiority complex - "I'm not listening because I'm always right " etc. !)

Would never dream of it, but in this case I think I'm allowed to believe that I know my own mind & feelings a bit better than random strangers:)

Zombrex

BoozyBabe wrote:

Would never dream of it, but in this case I think I'm allowed to believe that I know my own mind & feelings a bit better than random strangers:)

Apologies if you already answered this question, but did you compliment him on how he looked?

Bogey

Linoge wrote:

How is he ever going to be "good" at compliments if he can't even realise that after you spend several hours getting ready (and going to a wedding, how dumb is he??!) that then is the time to really splash out and make an effort to say something nice?


I would be ashamed to think that any other men would disagree with me.

As much as it pains me to agree, I gotta agree.

I suppose there's a time in the relationship when warts and all can be overlooked, but believe me they eventually appear, and they ain't pretty.

After years of being a dolt, I've been educated by many a woman, and I would respond Enthusiastically To Any Change. It doesn't matter if you've colored your hair blue, or shaven it down to the scalp, the proper response is: "You look BEAUTIFUL!!!!."

BoozyBabe

Wicknight wrote:

Apologies if you already answered this question, but did you compliment him on how he looked?

Yea, I did (as he was wearing a nice suit), but then I generally do say things like:- "oh you smell nice", "that's a nice top" etc anyway. (& he generally doesn't, no biggy)

Bogey wrote:

It doesn't matter if you've colored your hair blue, or shaven it down to the scalp, the proper response is: "You look BEAUTIFUL!!!!."

Ha Ha:D , they've you trained well!!!

Linoge

BoozyBabe wrote:

Ha Ha:D , they've you trained well!!!

At least you're joking about that! But there are men out there, alot of whom seem to have posted in this thread that think that if the do say what is expected they have somehow been "trained". FFS, its not training, its just coutesy. The same way that you don't train your girlfriend to stfu when The Sopranos are on, she should do it because that is what you would like.

Dublinstiofán

trillianv wrote:

and i pity her....you've obviously nailed the charm bit down. Did you pick her up with "Your clothes would look great at the bottom of my bed!" Just curious...:D

No i didn't. I actually met her in the gaeltacht while i was working down there and were still together after 8 months. Must be doin something right! Don't think ya can pity her ya dont know her or me. Say your didnt find a certain email funny or your not gettin any one or the other.:rolleyes: And im very charming ya can ask her yourself

ST*

BoozyBabe wrote:

But in the middle of it all he said, "yea, you looked well yesterday", which I thanked him for, & was chuffed that he thought so, but why couldn't he just say it on the day????

As someone else has said, not all guys are great at this kind of thing. Better a delayed response than none at all BB, and he is your boyf afterall.

BoozyBabe

I agree totally ST*, & if I'd never got one it still wouldn't matter as I know how he feels about me without him needing to say it.