Girls .. Bleh

um7y1h83ge06nx

Wicknight wrote:

The whole "treat them mean to keep them keen" is a gross over simpilication of what is actually going on......

Quite simply brillant. You really hit the nail on the head there. And if anyone puts up a post claiming you're wrong they're full of crap.

P.S. What you said in that post can be used to a guy's advantage as well

ianmc38

Wicknight wrote:

The whole "treat them mean to keep them keen" is a gross over simpilication of what is actually going on.

Women are naturally attracted to confident, popular, well established "alpha-male" characters. Everyone want to be going out with someone who is popular, well regarded, successful. Even the "rebel" aspect works into this idea, especially if a girl views a "rebel" as everything they wish they could do (the old going out with someone because your over barring father hates him).

Unfortunately there is no real correlation between those aspects and the person being a nice guy. Of course a lot of them are nice guys, but some of them aren't. Yet women are still attracted to these characteristics even if they are found in men who are arrogant, egotistical and mean. Just like men are still attracted to good looking women with big boobs even if they are mean or annoying or steal your money.

So while you find a woman sticking around with a guy even though he is treating her badly, it isn't really because he is treating her badly, it is because she is putting up with the badness because she is very attracted to his other qualities, his "alpha-male" characteristics.

Often (speaking from experience talking to my female friends) women will ignore, or attempt justify, the bad behaviour of their boyfriends. You also get the syndrome where if a girl is going out with a popular guy she feels, subconsciously, that this reflects positively on her own standing.

Also the alpha-male bastards (as opposed to the alpha-male good guys) tend to be quite good at manipulating people, which is probably how they got to be alpha-males within their groups in the first place. So you have a guy treating a girl very badly, but he knows exactly what to say afterwards to make her forgive him, or even to think it was all her fault in the first place. This is especially true of girls who have wrapped their own identity, their own standing in society, up in their boyfriends, and as such are terrified of lossing them.

Getting back to the constant "I'm a nice guy yet my friend who I love just went of with a biker. Why!?!" thread you get on Board.ie. You can't really fake being the alpha-male, you can't fake being popular or confidence or any of those things. Treating a woman mean just for the sake of it probably won't work, unless the girl has serious self-image problems. If you don't have the other qualities to make the girl stick around she will probably just dump you. Or you will feel so bad about it anyway.

Also when most of these thread appear it is really "nice" that is really meant, it is "indecisive, lacking in confidence, glingy doormat". Girls dont' find that attractive. Guys don't find that attractive. That is the problem, not that the guy is "too nice" or not being mean enough. Its that he does not have the personality that is particularly attractive to women. This is most likely down to his own person issues, which he needs to work on.

When I first started going out with girls I was terrified that they would leave me, because my self-worth was so wrapped up in the relationship. Because of this I was terrified of upsetting my girlfriends so I turned into a complete "Yes Man". I justifed this by saying I was so "nice", I always treated my girlfirends really well. In fact they hated it, and I can totally understand now why they did. And their wasn't a "trick" or method to change that, I had to work on my own issues as to why I put so much importance in the relationship, why I need it so badly.

You can always tell a guy is like this when he is still going on about how hurt they are over a relationship that ended like a year ago. Its not really the girl he misses, its the relationship itself which acted as a major ego-boost that helped crutch all his own person issuse.

The only way to get over this is a lot of self-discovering and time. You have to learn to be happy with who you are, when you are on your own with yourself. You need to work through your issues without running into a relationship to make you feel better. It is only when you are happy with the skin you live in that you can be in a relationship without using that relationship, or the other person as a crutch for your own issues and problems.

Very well said. Should be read by all the guys out there who think they're too nice!

LegacyUser

Okay. We have met again recently and things went well. We got on well, and I think I can adjust to being friends with her.

I would like to consider myself as a confident guy. Well, a lot more confident than I was, say, 2 years ago or so. I went through a really bad patch for a few years (wont say it was a depression, because too many people are quick to say they have depressions), which affected me bad and made me and my life feel like ****. But things have gotten alot better recently, and I am becoming more active and more confident.

anyways, back on topic.

I met up with her today, and things were not weird or anything. Just the way we were before we got close and all that jazz. What people don't understand is just how much friendships mean to me. So what if I haven't gotten a girlfriend. Sometimes I believe they are better than the relationships. And there is still the possibility of getting together in the forseeable future. But I wont wait around. If it happens, it happens, if it doesnt, it doesn't. I wont get myself too down about it.

Life. Is. Good.

I'm beginning to realise that alot more lately. That Life actually is good, and that it is too short for getting yourself bogged down with anything. So I wont

Thanks for your opinions, except the "lean and mean" ones.. I'd feel too guilty doing something like that But thanks anyways

LegacyUser

Confusediddle

The thing is that you're not staying friends in the true sense of the word because you are still waiting for something to happen.

"there is still the possibility of getting together in the forseeable future"
Not very likely. She turned you down once and will most likely do it again.
You are her ego boost guy who listens to all her problems and gives her hugs when she's feeling down. Great to have around but she will drop you like a hot potato when Mr. Alpha comes calling. Then she won't be available for the daily chats and get togethers. If you are OK with this and will genuinely be happy for her when she meets Mr Right then great but somehow I doubt it.

andrew163

Aw. Read only your first post and that one just there but glad it's working out.

I was the same for a while with somebody.. except when she said "lets just be friends" it took me a fair while to get over her. Have now though and it's turned out amazingly well. She's an extremely close friend and I'm as happy as a pig in sh*te with things just the way they are.

(before anyone says it, yes I'm over her... I've been around her and her new boyfriend a few times with no (zero..null..) feelings of jealousy.. also the thought of having sex with her seems/feels physically wrong (nearly causes a shudder)... also been thinking more and more about another girl..)

Zombrex

Confusedizzle wrote:

But I wont wait around.

Good, don't.

And you should think a lot about the idea of her with another man. Because in my experience the girl gets a new fella long before the guy gets a new girl. And you can't really get upset in front of her when this happens, that line "You knew I liked you yet you still went with some, and we are supposed to be friends" doesn't work.

If you can handle that you might actually have a chance at being friends. But there is nothing wrong if you can't, you are supposed to like this girl after all. It would be a bit strange if you did like her but didn't feel some jealously at the thought of her with another man.

And remember there is nothing saying you have to be friends with this girl.