Girls .. Bleh

LegacyUser

So I'm getting close to this girl. And everything is going grand. Then, wham she tells me she just wants to be friends. Right. Fine. I'm okay with that. I never really had any expectations that anything were to happen, but even still, I was a little disappointed. It's human nature after all, is it not?

But now I'm beginning to think what the next step should be with her. How should I act around her from now on? It'd just feel weird acting normally when up until yesterday we were holding each other. The usual way. Has anyone else been in this sort of situation, and if so, how did you act with it?

Mariners

Atleast you got as far as holding her, I get put into the friend bin as soon as I meet a girl, but things are beginning to look up thankfully.

chillywilly

i find the best way is to give her little attention, well i mean dont be clingy! try moving on fast and she is left thinking maybe she wants to be more than friends when she sees you with another woman! "treat her mean and keep her keen"....i know its a stupid saying but it worked for me before!

Gordon

Nice one Mariners!

OP, she's just a friend now, don't go trying to get close to her because you're interested in her, it'll only end in you getting hurt.

*Lolly*

Confusedizzle wrote:

So I'm getting close to this girl. And everything is going grand. Then, wham she tells me she just wants to be friends. Right. Fine. I'm okay with that. I never really had any expectations that anything were to happen, but even still, I was a little disappointed. It's human nature after all, is it not?

But now I'm beginning to think what the next step should be with her. How should I act around her from now on? It'd just feel weird acting normally when up until yesterday we were holding each other. The usual way. Has anyone else been in this sort of situation, and if so, how did you act with it?

Just act Normal. Be Yourself. Juse because she treated u a little unfairly and doesnt really know whats she wants it doesnt mean you have to do the same and start acting all wierd ariund her. She might just have realised you relationship would be better off as friendship - and no more.......

0utshined

Forget her. Be friendly to her sure, but I'm sure you have enough actual friends already. Move on and find someone else.

She may realise she's made a mistake in the future or she may not but don't hang around pining for her and don't hang around with her at all if it's going to make you uncomfortable.

Sgt. Politeness

actually i was in what sounds liek a similar situation. with a girl who startd out as friend, but wed sit curled up on the sofa together watching tv, hold hands when we went out, all kinds of stuff..eventually we started doing stuff together. After a few weeks she said 'i just want to be friends, im not ready for a relationship', i was hurt but said okay, then 2 weeks later shes goin out with someone else? I told her to get ****ed..never spok to her again. Bottom line? women are devious, bitches from hell.

AngryAnderson

Moral of the story - you were probably too nice to her. Next time a girl comes along, treat her like dirt. Women love that.

Nevyn

Sgt. Politeness, unhelpful and off-topic posting will get you banned from this forum.
Do take time to read the charter which contains the rules and abide by them.
Have a nice day.
Thaedydal

0utshined

That's a bit harsh Sgt. You shouldn't presume all women are the same.

@Angry, don't do that dude. Treating people like dirt is not cool.

AngryAnderson

0utshined wrote:

Angry, don't do that dude. Treating people like dirt is not cool.

No it's not. But it gets you far with women. Unfortunate as that is.

Amz

AngryAnderson wrote:

No it's not. But it gets you far with women. Unfortunate as that is.

Doesn't say much for the type of woman you're obviously going after then. If you* have to be a moron to get a girl to like you then you deserve whatever you get.

Be yourself and eventually you'll find someone who appreciates you.

There's a difference between being nice and being a doormat.


[*]Not neccessarily AngryAnderson, but anyone.

0utshined

Suddenly, every part of me, needs to tell you that though that may work there are other ways to get girls.

You're right that acting like that works for some guys but it's not something I'd do and you can get with great girls without being a shít.

Edit :

Amz wrote:

There's a difference between being nice and being a doormat.

Exactly. You need to be a great guy rather than a nice guy. You don't have to be a díck though.

honru

Confusedizzle wrote:

But now I'm beginning to think what the next step should be with her. How should I act around her from now on? It'd just feel weird acting normally when up until yesterday we were holding each other. The usual way. Has anyone else been in this sort of situation, and if so, how did you act with it?

Just show that you're not dependent on her. Act unfazed and move on.

AngryAnderson

Amz wrote:

Doesn't say much for the type of woman you're obviously going after then. If you* have to be a moron to get a girl to like you then you deserve whatever you get.

I didn't say I *had* to act like a moron. It's not really my style to treat women badly. But there's a very definite dichotomy. Any girl I've treated well has been pretty cold or taken the extra yard in terms of mind games, etc. Any girl I've treated like crap thought the sun shone out of my ass. It's an absolute fact of life. Obviously there are exceptions to the rule and any self-respecting girl with a modicum of emotional intelligence wouldn't fit this bill. Sadly they're few and far between.

*prepares for accusations of myogony and general abuse *

Crea

If after cuddles she wants to be friends then she isn't interested in you - no point in playing mind games to get her interested they probably won't work. In reality you probably won't be able to stay friends in the true sense of the word cause she'll be uncomfortable around you alone, waiting for you to make a move and if she starts seeing someone you'll be jealous. Anyway it isn't normal for friends to be holding each other.
Happened to me twice - I have seen it from both sides. Neither friendship lasted but I didn't regret trying it on - nothing ventured nothing gained.

As for the rest of you, any girl who gets into a relationship after been treated like s*** is obviously screwed up and will cause a world of pain. No wonder you end up with the "devious bitches from hell" - you deserve them!

daveyjoe

Next time she tries to holds your hand or whatever, tell her that you're not prepared to be in the situation where ye are holding hands and stuff but still only being friends. She'll respect you for it and it may even spur her into making a positive decision.

Don't confuse both of ye by not drawing the line.

*Lolly*

AngryAnderson wrote:

No it's not. But it gets you far with women. Unfortunate as that is.

That is utter BULLSH"T dear, If you went for REAL: girls instead of airhead bimbo's you would learn they - WE need respect just as much as you. Dont think ud be too chuffed if some gal posted up That the way to treat all guys is like crap coz basically thats all they deserve...
If it was my choice.. id shoot ya on the spot for talkin like that!

Ickle Magoo

Well, you could ignore her or act all angry & hurt - or you can try and hide any ill feelings you have and act like it doesn't bother you that much....it's really the only adult way of dealing with these scenarios that will leave you with your head held high....oh, and ignore the advice of any man who claims to know all woman-kind & speaks negatively about them....:D

AngryAnderson

*Lolly* wrote:

Dont think ud be too chuffed if some gal posted up That the way to treat all guys is like crap coz basically thats all they deserve...

I never said 'treat girls like crap because that's what they deserve' - I was simply making the observation from my own personal experience, and that of most guys I know in fact, that women respond better to poorer treatment than they do deserve. It also stands to note that many of my girlfriends (plutonic), who are the nicest girls I know and far from airheads, seem to have a penchant for losers who treat them like dirt.

*Lolly* wrote:

If it was my choice.. id shoot ya on the spot for talkin like that!

Hmmmm, right. It's a pretty well accepted fact that many girls go out with complete tossers who treat them badly/badboys. Is this just a myth? Not from my experience!

cournioni

It happens man, I was actually with a girl a year ago on three occasions, we got really, really well and then she found out that I was 2 and a half years younger than her. Which I didn't really accept. So she gave me all the normal jibba jabba about why we shouldn't be together, and that we should be friends.

So eventually (a couple of weeks, eventually if ya know what I mean!) I just sort of said, fair enough but you know how I feel now so its your choice whether we should be friends or just go our seperate ways. She chose to be friends, so that was cool with me.

Anyway, since then I have been speaking to her nearly non stop. I have been to see her in hospital, and have hugged her quite alot. There hasn't been one awkward moment between us, however I have had occasions where I felt like I could just kiss her but I think I handled the urges quite well! You will too if you try to get being her partner out of your mind, and start thinking of her as your friend.

But being friends with this girl has been great, she allows me to be me. If the girl you are talking about, is like this and just acts as your friend that you can fool about with then you should be grand. So basically it is up to how you both act, just go with the flow as they say. Try not to think about things at all.

*Lolly*

AngryAnderson wrote:

I never said 'treat girls like crap because that's what they deserve' - I was simply making the observation from my own personal experience, and that of most guys I know in fact, that women respond better to poorer treatment than they do deserve. It also stands to note that many of my girlfriends (plutonic), who are the nicest girls I know and far from airheads, seem to have a penchant for losers who treat them like dirt.



Hmmmm, right. It's a pretty well accepted fact that many girls go out with complete tossers who treat them badly/badboys. Is this just a myth? Not from my experience!

Its not a myth at all- Ive been treat like **** by guys my whole life and came to the conclusion it was because of ME being too nice. Vulnerable niave and basically i complete door mat. I knew it most of the time but was powerless. It happens to people every day and if i had one wish it would be there is no such thing as a relationship unless its a good one with respect love and faith.
obviously the physical attraction helps to!!!

AngryAnderson

*Lolly* wrote:

Its not a myth at all- Ive been treat like **** by guys my whole life and came to the conclusion it was because of ME being too nice. Vulnerable niave and basically i complete door mat. I knew it most of the time but was powerless. It happens to people every day and if i had one wish it would be there is no such thing as a relationship unless its a good one with respect love and faith.
obviously the physical attraction helps to!!!

Well that's pretty much it. It's not gender specific. Nice guy tend to attract beatches and nice girl attract a$$holes. Sad but true.

LegacyUser

Angry, you are wrong. Don't treat people badly.

It's mainly young girls that do that. Actually I should say immature not young.

Anyway.. they like it when MEAN people are nice to them. Makes them feel important/special

LegacyUser

yeah I think the word mean is giving the wrong impression here.
You have to admit you feel luckier when a guy who doesn't act desperate, who doesn't act like he needs you, who you know could get on perfectly well without you likes you.
It makes you try that little bit harder and feel that little bit more gratified when you get somewhere, rather then nice guys who just make you want to walk all over them
It's sad but we all know that it's true

Zombrex

Confusedizzle wrote:

But now I'm beginning to think what the next step should be with her. How should I act around her from now on?

"Lets be friends" is code for "I don't want to go out with you, but I don't want to feel bad about that so I'm throwing you a bone to chew while I get on with my life"

Forget about her, don't try and be "friends" with her because you obviously have feelings for her.

You don't have to be friends just because she wants you to be. Why would you still be friends with her if you are just going to get in knots about her.

Best to move on.

Zombrex

PORNAPSTER wrote:

Anyway, since then I have been speaking to her nearly non stop.

No offense, and I might be wrong, but that still seems a little strange if you are "just friends". Do you talk to all your other friends just as much?

Sounds like you are having a qusi-relationship with this girl, which is always the big problem with the "lets be friends" idea. You end up staying friends with a girl just to still have her in your life, but all the old feelings are still there under the surface.

How are you going to feel when you can't talk to her because she is too busy shagging her new boyfriend?

um7y1h83ge06nx

F**k it man, leave that girl go. It's going to be too awkward and messy to be friends with her.

Same thing happened to me once. After that I learned that there is of course a "window of opportunity" with women, and after a while that window starts closing.

As soon as you would like to hook up with a girl, go for it. Timing is key with women I find.

If you know them already, you'll have to try and make things a bit more sexual in nature i.e. that you're interested in them. Can be hard to do sometimes, but no-body said it would be easier being a guy

Zombrex

7457347 wrote:

Anyway.. they like it when MEAN people are nice to them. Makes them feel important/special

The whole "treat them mean to keep them keen" is a gross over simpilication of what is actually going on.

Women are naturally attracted to confident, popular, well established "alpha-male" characters. Everyone want to be going out with someone who is popular, well regarded, successful. Even the "rebel" aspect works into this idea, especially if a girl views a "rebel" as everything they wish they could do (the old going out with someone because your over barring father hates him).

Unfortunately there is no real correlation between those aspects and the person being a nice guy. Of course a lot of them are nice guys, but some of them aren't. Yet women are still attracted to these characteristics even if they are found in men who are arrogant, egotistical and mean. Just like men are still attracted to good looking women with big boobs even if they are mean or annoying or steal your money.

So while you find a woman sticking around with a guy even though he is treating her badly, it isn't really because he is treating her badly, it is because she is putting up with the badness because she is very attracted to his other qualities, his "alpha-male" characteristics.

Often (speaking from experience talking to my female friends) women will ignore, or attempt justify, the bad behaviour of their boyfriends. You also get the syndrome where if a girl is going out with a popular guy she feels, subconsciously, that this reflects positively on her own standing.

Also the alpha-male bastards (as opposed to the alpha-male good guys) tend to be quite good at manipulating people, which is probably how they got to be alpha-males within their groups in the first place. So you have a guy treating a girl very badly, but he knows exactly what to say afterwards to make her forgive him, or even to think it was all her fault in the first place. This is especially true of girls who have wrapped their own identity, their own standing in society, up in their boyfriends, and as such are terrified of lossing them.

Getting back to the constant "I'm a nice guy yet my friend who I love just went of with a biker. Why!?!" thread you get on Board.ie. You can't really fake being the alpha-male, you can't fake being popular or confidence or any of those things. Treating a woman mean just for the sake of it probably won't work, unless the girl has serious self-image problems. If you don't have the other qualities to make the girl stick around she will probably just dump you. Or you will feel so bad about it anyway.

Also when most of these thread appear it is really "nice" that is really meant, it is "indecisive, lacking in confidence, glingy doormat". Girls dont' find that attractive. Guys don't find that attractive. That is the problem, not that the guy is "too nice" or not being mean enough. Its that he does not have the personality that is particularly attractive to women. This is most likely down to his own person issues, which he needs to work on.

When I first started going out with girls I was terrified that they would leave me, because my self-worth was so wrapped up in the relationship. Because of this I was terrified of upsetting my girlfriends so I turned into a complete "Yes Man". I justifed this by saying I was so "nice", I always treated my girlfirends really well. In fact they hated it, and I can totally understand now why they did. And their wasn't a "trick" or method to change that, I had to work on my own issues as to why I put so much importance in the relationship, why I need it so badly.

You can always tell a guy is like this when he is still going on about how hurt they are over a relationship that ended like a year ago. Its not really the girl he misses, its the relationship itself which acted as a major ego-boost that helped crutch all his own person issuse.

The only way to get over this is a lot of self-discovering and time. You have to learn to be happy with who you are, when you are on your own with yourself. You need to work through your issues without running into a relationship to make you feel better. It is only when you are happy with the skin you live in that you can be in a relationship without using that relationship, or the other person as a crutch for your own issues and problems.

Zombrex

Kohen Steep Supernova wrote:

F**k it man, leave that girl go. It's going to be too awkward and messy to be friends with her.
...
As soon as you would like to hook up with a girl, go for it. Timing is key with women I find.

Never a truer word said Sonic.

ianmc38

Hmmm, quite the pickle. I lost a few really good friends over the years by getting too close. Kissed a few times and then had the whole we're better off as friends scenario. Unfortunately, that didn't work out.

Building bridges at present though!

Just go with it. Dont worry or get stressed about it. Whatever happens happens. Don't force the issue and see how it goes.