Goodbye to 5000 euro

LegacyUser

My mother decides to ask me to loan her some money to pay off here credit-card. Can you imagine how my face dropped when she told me it was 5 grand.

Now I know I only have one mother and my mother is priceless . Year to year I normally end up helping her out anyway - maybe between 1 - 2k spread over a year - but 5k in one lump is no joke and I'm livid. For the record loan means "give" with a few token repayments - afaics a few hundred before something else comes up and that's the end of that.

In the end I'm going to have to give it to her. I suppose its tough because I absolutely hate my job - but I've stuck it out for the last 2+ years to save some money to start my own business. I've everything planned and budgeted and was ready to go in July, its seems so close but this is going to put things back a fair bit I'm finding it tough to take this - my mother seems very matter of fact about it - you have the money and I need it - but it means I'm going to have to stick another 6 months in the damn place...

Now to put this in perspective - if my mother was ill tomorrow - I'd give everything I had to make her better. Its just that I was so close, and this is so out of the blue

Thanks for listening, just needed to have a little moan - can't moan to anyone else about it...

Victor

Let her work for it.

Perhaps give her Eur200 a month directly into the account rather than a big lump sum, so she can't just run it up again.

Victor

Victor wrote:

Let her work for it.

Perhaps give her Eur200 a month directly into the account rather than a big lump sum, so she can't just run it up again.

I'd agree with this advice. Plus the credit card people would accept it as long as you tell them in advance and agree to pay it off that way.
Don't just give it in one lump sum or she'll get off too lightly.

takola

i'd agree with whats said above!

Look i know she's your mum and you love her, but really do you not think you're being taken for granted? it's really selfish and unfair of her to ask this of you! you aren't responsible for her credit card!! why should you have to bail her out just like that, when you have had your own plans for this money and its obviously so important to you!!!!! Maybe you should try to talk to her and make her understand that she has to be responsible for herself and that you'll help her out but not to expect so much of you!!! I know if it was my mum, as much as i love her, i'd be livid!!!!!!! :mad:
Try to work out some way you can pay it off bit by bit (with her helping!) and still get your business up and running!

bug

tell her you'll give her the five grand on the condition that she cuts up her credit card and doesnt get another one.

Im all for giving a helping hand, but to be honest I cant imagine my parents being so selfish as to ask me for cash like that most especially if I was starting out anew, or building something up for myself.

Perhaps a little role reversal is needed. ie telling her to learn to cut her cloth to her measure. Or, maybe she thinks you're worth a fortune, maybe you should communicate that you aren't.

StandnDeliver

id tell her go jump ,seriously shes a grown up let her sort out her mess and be responsible for herself.best thing she can do is pay off her card in installments by herself and cut up the card.The option of Your own business, your future,Id go for that as it sounds like youve worked towards it,your not being selfish wanting it!!!!!!

the_syco

FiveK wrote:

My mother decides to ask me to loan her some money to pay off here credit-card. Can you imagine how my face dropped when she told me it was 5 grand.

Since these things (I don't have one) are usually every one or two months, have you asked what she bought? Also, check your internet history. She could have been scammed, or gotten conned, and have too much pride to admit it.

Also, does she have a job? If yes, ask her where her money is going. If she says your being nosey, and that its none of your business, tell her that €5000 is alot of money, and you want to ensure that she's not just squandering it all on something stupid, such as on-line gambling, etc.

Willymuncher

How would your mother react if you were asking €5000 in the same situation?

Its all fair helping her out now and then, I gave my mother €1000 last week for the same reason, shes a fecker with the credit card, but when its €5000 and you are planning on setting up a life for yourself that you feel you could be somewhat happy with, then its not fair for her to turn around and ask for such an amount of cash and you having to suffer for it.

Does she not understand your situation? or does she care?

simu

Yeah, it's no use being too easy with the cash flow... you have to go Eddie Hobbes on her and make sure she doesn't come back to you again with the same problem in a few months. Sounds like she shouldn't have a cc at all tbh.

Asiaprod

Oh, what a nasty problem. I know one feels obliged to help out the family, but not to the extent where it jeopardizes ones own future. Sounds to me like you would pay up the 5k, have your future plans wrecked, and somewhere down the line mum will run up the credit card all over again. Everybody looses in this situation. I think you really need to first go through her accounts with her to see where this 5k went. Then make a decision based on that. If she is screwing up with the card, make a deal with the credit card company. Have the card cancelled and agree on a payback plan with the CC company. Since they are only interested in getting their money back, agree to pay them back a little at a time, saving the bulk of the money to pursue your own business. Under no circumstances tell them how much you have saved away, do not agree to a repayment amount that hurts your plans for your business. If the business is a success you can then turn around and pay off the remainder of the debt. And do remember to tell you Mum that you will not pay any further debts. Our family had to adopt this approach to deal with financial overspending. Time and again we were asked to supply money. The more debt we covered, the more additional debts were rung up. Eventually our financial footing was put in jeopardy. We ended up having to say, no more money. If you need food give us a list and we will buy the necessities for you, excluding alcohol and fags..
Good luck and do not give into emotional blackmail.

Huggles

Ok first off, get her to cut the card up and send back to bank. This is not your problem, I know she is your Mother and you love her but if it was you what would she do? I'd imagine she'd tell you that it was your mis-management of money and therefore your responsibility to rectify the situation.

Secondly, tell her to get in contact with her bank and arrange a way to pay off the card which suits both parties, 200 euro a week or something.

As you stated you have worked very hard for this money and you had plans to set up your own company, I honestly would not blow it on your Mothers credit card bill. Maybe I am being harsh but its what i think.

Seriously man, shes taking the piss a little bit

dbnavan

Cut the cards up, phone credit company, organise repayments, u dont have to get involved they will take 100 euro a month or whatever, she will be paying intetrest but thats her problem not yours.

I helped a mate out once with a debt collector, but that was different. Credit companys will work with you

Beruthiel

good lord!
I'm afraid your ma has a little problem, why people use cards they cannot cover afterwards is beyond me, she needs to learn that you are not there everytime this happens.
Honestly, if your kid came along and asked for that kind of money, you'd tell them get a job.
Is she working? if not, then suggest she get a job to cover it.
I do not see why you would have to put your new business on hold to get your mother out of a debt that she put herself into in the first place. Sit her down and explain that you need the money, you are sorry you cannot help and make some suggestions as to how she can take care of this on her own.

Sleipnir

FiveK wrote:

My mother decides to ask me to loan her some money to pay off here credit-card. Can you imagine how my face dropped when she told me it was 5 grand.

Now I know I only have one mother and my mother is priceless . Year to year I normally end up helping her out anyway - maybe between 1 - 2k spread over a year - but 5k in one lump is no joke and I'm livid. For the record loan means "give" with a few token repayments - afaics a few hundred before something else comes up and that's the end of that.

In the end I'm going to have to give it to her. I suppose its tough because I absolutely hate my job - but I've stuck it out for the last 2+ years to save some money to start my own business. I've everything planned and budgeted and was ready to go in July, its seems so close but this is going to put things back a fair bit I'm finding it tough to take this - my mother seems very matter of fact about it - you have the money and I need it - but it means I'm going to have to stick another 6 months in the damn place...

Now to put this in perspective - if my mother was ill tomorrow - I'd give everything I had to make her better. Its just that I was so close, and this is so out of the blue

Thanks for listening, just needed to have a little moan - can't moan to anyone else about it...

Personally, I would only agree to pay so much and then insist on cutting it up with a scissors myself!

Salmon

What about organising payments of 200-300 per week with the credit company and then 'paying' yer mam 400 per week to help you with your new business. That way she gets her loan paid off, and you get an extra pair of hands while your setting up the business. I dont know what business you are getting into, but most businesses need someone answering phones, taking orders etc?? Just a suggestion. Don't be a push over, remember you have to be cruel to be kind sometimes!!

Boston

Firstly you don't need to give her 5k to help her, in fact that would be fairly silly of you, and wouldn't help her. You could arrange with the credit card company to stop her credit, and make the interest repayments yourself, while she repays the actual debt. Worst thing that happens is they black balled her for four years or so for the bad debt, and she can't get credit. Your mother clearly has a problem if she's running up these sort of bills, how are you helping her like this? You say it will set you back 6 months, in 6 months time she could have another 3k credit card debt, are you going to go around in the same circle again? She's your mother, but do you have your own family, your own kids? If so, shouldn't they come first?

LegacyUser

FiveK wrote:

My mother decides to ask me to loan her some money to pay off here credit-card. Can you imagine how my face dropped when she told me it was 5 grand... Year to year I normally end up helping her out anyway - maybe between 1 - 2k spread over a year - but 5k in one lump is no joke and I'm livid. For the record loan means "give" with a few token repayments - afaics a few hundred before something else comes up and that's the end of that.

I haven't had the chance to read the other posts yet OP, but it is high time mammy grew up. She needs to get a job. If she has a job, she needs to get a better one, or a second one. She is not a child, and should have considered the aftermath of going crazy with a credit card. She is in effect, holding back from doing what you want to do in your life.

We all love our mothers dearly, but you need to snap out of it if she is using your love to manipulate money out of you. You have helped her out before, its time it stopped. I wouldn't give in this time, you can't be there everytime she needs bailing out over some bill or another. Its time little bird pushed mammy out of the nest.

Esel

Two words - Emotional Blackmail. She knows you are a soft touch - I can just see her on a spending spree - "Oh, it's OK, 5K will pay!".

Just insist she cuts up the card(s) and say you will help with the regular repayments she will be making. The whole thing is her responsibility, not yours.

meditraitor

If you have it, just give her the money....She is your mother, the one and only, brought you into the world and made you what you are today!

ferdi

i'd leave her in the mess she has created - its the only way she'll learn, otherwise it will continue to happen again and again.

slumped

Does your mum own her house or have a mortgage?

If she has no mortgage then a personal loan in the bank will sort her out. Get her to cut up the cards.

If she has a mortgage, top it up by 5k and get her to pay it off!

Don't give 5k away just like that. Make her realise that she is stealing the money from you and blackmailing you.

If my parents were short cash I would hekp them out. If my parents ran up a 5k credit card bill I would sit them down and go through ALL the options. She sounds like she wants the easy way out.

S

jhegarty

any chance she is involved in one of the pyramid schemes going around the moment ? (the buy in for the west cork one is 5k)

LegacyUser

Thanks all for the input. There was words had last night about this, a few things have been cleared up even though I'm still far from happy.

My mother does work full-time in a job and does work hard - unfortunately she doesn't earn much and doesn't really have the skills to change job, nor the confidence at her age. She does have her own house, and the mortgage is small as she bought it in the early 90s. She did remortgage about 5 years ago to consolidate her debts, unfortunately she appears to be in the same position again.

We have discussed some of the items on the bill and they appear to have been bills that she paid with her credit card because she couldn't afford to pay them at the time, and that just made the situation worse. For example I know she paid last years car tax on it. I've no-doubt that there is crap on it too, its just a pity she ran it up this badly before coming to me.

This doesn't make any of it ok mind, she kept playing the "I'm the mother card" (i.e. you can't be giving out to me), and you earn twice what I do. Ultimately as someone pointed out there is a level of emotional blackmail, I end up playing the brigand and she ends up taking umbridge. She is completely adament that she'll pay it back, I'll just have to bit the bullet, pay it and hope for the best.

Thanks again for the advice.

Kur4mA

Rather foolish imo. I think you just wasted both yours and everyone else's time by creating this thread because I'm convinced that you would have paid it no matter what advice was given to you.

You should seriously think about what you are doing before you end up in debt yourself. Cut those cards up and find out exactly what your mother is spending her small wage on or you'll be back here in no time looking for more opinions on this. Her being the "Mother" and you the "Son" is neither here nor there if she is going to insist that you pay this kind of money and you are going to oblige. Give those statements/payslips a thorough going over.

Sleepy

Next time for everyone's sake just tell her you don't have it...

LegacyUser

kyub wrote:

I think you just wasted both yours and everyone else's time by creating this thread because I'm convinced that you would have paid it no matter what advice was given to you.

Well if its time wasting then don't perpetuate it - and please (re)read the original post. Thanks for the rest thou.

the_syco

FiveK wrote:

She did remortgage about 5 years ago to consolidate her debts, unfortunately she appears to be in the same position again.

So, its an on-going problem? If she had to remortgage her gaff, it proberly means a few thousand. Maybe 5 figure debt.

Also, see if you can get a limit put on the card. Maybe a limit equals nine tenths of her monthly salery.

Finally, if she plays the "you've more money than me" card, tell her to go full-time, as thats how you got your money. See how willing she spends her money if she ain't as bored, tbh.

Esel

the_syco wrote:

..Finally, if she plays the "you've more money than me" card, tell her to go full-time...

Read the OP's reply above again. His mother does work full-time.

planck2

Yes it's a big lump sum, but she is your mother and how much did she spend on you bringing you up over the years?

Victor

planck2 wrote:

Yes it's a big lump sum, but she is your mother and how much did she spend on you bringing you up over the years?

Ah, but the mother got to have sex in the equation!

Exon

I didn't read most of the posts, if you're in a position to 'lend' her the money without doing much harm to yourself i'd give it to her and tell her the next time you get yourself into a problem like this you can get out of it yourself!

She's your auld one afterall and i'm sure she's spent well in excess of 5k bringing you up Make sure ya don't bail her out after this though...

daiixi

FiveK wrote:

This doesn't make any of it ok mind, she kept playing the "I'm the mother card" (i.e. you can't be giving out to me), and you earn twice what I do. Ultimately as someone pointed out there is a level of emotional blackmail, I end up playing the brigand and she ends up taking umbridge. She is completely adament that she'll pay it back, I'll just have to bit the bullet, pay it and hope for the best.

Thanks again for the advice.

I don't understand why you've come on here, asked for advise then decided not to take it?

My parents taught me to be responsible with money and responsible for myself. It seems you've been taught this (sticking at your job to save up to start up your business) but because you've been helping your mam out she's stopped taking responsibility for herself. Personally, I'd find this unacceptable and tell my mam to get out of debt herself.
I've never asked my folx for money and would do anything *anything* to ensure that I never have to. In fact, I'd be completely, totally, 100% ashamed that at my age (mid twenties) I'd have to ask my folx for money.
If you pay off this debt for her she'll find herself in debt, probably much more, again in a years time. If it was you and you were in debt she'd probably make you sort it out yourself - tell you to live within your means. I know mine would.
But at the end of the day it's your life - if you want to spend it bailing out your mam, well that's your choice.

the_syco

esel wrote:

Read the OP's reply above again. His mother does work full-time.

My bad:o

=-=

But hey, she's spent every cent she has, and still keeps on spending. She needs professional conselling, tbh, about her money.

jhegarty

You can still give her the money but in a differnt fashion. Cut up the card. Setup up a direct debit to pay a decent ammount on the card each month , and tell her it gets cancelled if she gets another card...

turbot

I suggest:

Strategize with her to deal with the debt itself; i.e. tell her 5k is a big deal for your cashflow, though it would be easier to pay off 500 a month on a 12 month loan.

Tell her that you'll do this on the condition that she reads 5 books on how to be better with money, like Rich Dad Poor Dad.

I think you need to do this to set a precedent of her being wise, otherwise if you just pay this time, it could get worse.

Also, unless you're clever in what you spend and how, money doesn't go as far as it used to in Ireland. It sounds like she works hard...

nodger

FiveK wrote:

My mother decides to ask me to loan her some money to pay off here credit-card. Can you imagine how my face dropped when she told me it was 5 grand.

Apologies, I didn't have time to read all 30+ replies to your post. From personal experience, I can tell you that the bank that issued her card would probably have no problem giving her a loan of €5,000 to clear the credit card debt. The interest rate would be significantly lower, and the term of loan could possibly be pushed out to 18 months.

If she's adamant that she's planning to pay you back, then she should have no qualms about entering a similar arrangement with the bank. At a rough guess, I'd estimate repayments of about €300 per month over 18 months. Her credit rating would be intact and you wouldn't be €5,000 in the hole.

Obviously it's difficult for you to refuse lending her the money, but she's got a problem with overspending and she needs to be shown how to live within her means. You could even meet her half way and offer to pay half of her monthly repayments to the bank.

n.