Dad driving us all mad

LegacyUser

Going unreg for this...and I'll try to keep it as short as possible

Basically, the situation in my house between my parents is getting me down and I really dont know what to do anymore. I'm the youngest in my family and the only one still living at home with my parents who are in their early sixties.

My Dad has been retired for about 2 years, and my mam still works full time.

I can't say this without sounding bad..but, put simply, the flaws in my Dad's personality seem to have grown since he retired, and now we're at the point where myself and my mam are really affected by it, her in particular.

So what are the flaws? Well, it's hard to put into words, but basically, we're talking...
-not being able to rely on him for anything
-his constant hypochondria (he got a sore throat last week and was at the doctor three times in about 5 days)(the doctor is completely sick of how many times he visits him when he's just not ill at all)
-his continuous whinging about having a pain here or there
-his lack of logic about everything, big things and small things (really small example of this is recycling. We try to keep peelings etc to one side to put in the compost bin, but he will CONSISTENTLY take the peelings and put in all in with the regular rubbish. So we remind him and he say Oh right, but then he'll do it again the next day. And it's NOT forgetfulness, it's just to be awkward, and I know this for a fact).
-basically not being able to stand up and be responsible for anything he does, or to just be a father figure, a man, yknow?

It's like he's a child inside. I know this must sorta stem from his unbringing (parents died when he was young, was raised by sister who's equally scattered!) It's almost impossible to have a logical converstion with him (don't get me wrong, he's not a complete dunce, he's very into politics and is very opinionated, but it's just his logic can be all over the place. )

I think what he lacks is emotional intelligence, yknow the sense of knowing how other people are perceiving you, having empathy etc.

His sister who raised him is the same - on one hand, if you talk to her, you'd think she's completely barmy and it's as if she can't even control the contents of her own handbag, never mind her life around her! But on the other hand, she's really really bright and well-read (when she was 18, she was offered a scholarship to UCD but couldn't take it due to her family commitments.) It's like two types of intelligence really isn't it? Like her, he has some great qualities of course, but they're sort of overshadowed by this.

My Dad's hypochondria, obsession with his health (when there's nothing wrong with him), his general inability to talk to us properly, and his stubborness and desire to just be awkward in everything are really getting us down. The atmosphere in the house is ****e, mainly as my Mam is getting so frustrated by him. I think she's starting to resent him and today she confided that she's really reaching the end of her tether. She's pretty much the complete opposite of him, and is so reliable and on top of things.

Does anyone else know what I'm talking about, or does anyone else have a parent who's the same?

Not as short as I'd hoped, sorry about that!

Thanks

doctor evil

What activities or hobbies does he have to keep him self busy?, it could be that since he is retired he has a f*ck load more time on his hands than is good for him. If he gets out and about and kept busy he may have less time to reflect on himself and exacerbate his foibles.

Hope this helps.

mountainyman

Move out, your dad doesn't have the problem you do.
What do you care if the doctor is sick of seeing your dad. The doctor is a big boy and can look after himself.

If you want to compost and he doesn't care guess what it is his house.

Why should he worry about how you perceive him. That's your problem.

Does it occur to you that retirement can be difficult for the retiree.

If you want to help hand money up.

[additional edit]
Also all parents are exasperating. especially as they get older.
MM

AngryAnderson

I have to say I agree with mountainyman on this one. Sorry, but it sounds like you're judging your old man way too harshly and either you or your mom is looking for an excuse to resent him. Although I suspect your mother might have you manipulated into thinking there's something wrong with your dad. "His lack of knowledge about everything" then you say he's very into politics and opinionated? Did the doctor actually TELL you he's sick of your father? You know for an absolute fact that he's throwing out the manky rubbish you leave lying around to be awkward and not because it's, well, manky? Something tells me your parents marriage is in trouble and you're being used as a pawn. Have some respect for your father and tell your mother to talk to him and let them bother sort it our like adults and try not to get involved if you're unable to be impartial.

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

Ah, if life was but that simple. Ditching relatives with a ****-you attitude and you say Dublin isn't selfish...?

I agree with the first poster. He needs something to get him out of the house and take his mind of things, end of story.

DublinWriter

OP - can I ask how old you are?

LegacyUser

it sounds like youre describing my dad.
although add on a bit of paranoia and a bad temper.

the_syco

Unreg12345 wrote:

It's like he's a child inside.

He's retired, so he may now want to kick back a bit, and enjoy life. Get him a hobby, or membership in a local club. Find out, with the help of your mum, if there's any of your dad's mates who retired recently, and find out what they're doing. And then maybe get your dad into the same club.

Asiaprod

I agree that getting him someething to fill his time is a great idea. Another idea could be to bring him out for the day, go play golf or go some where neither of you have been before. Create your own relationship with him.

The other points mentioned you should bear in mind,

Its his house, not yours.
Retirement can be difficult for the retiree
Continually complaining of being ill, or in the case of my Father-in-Law, is just a way of seeking attention.

And I think the most important point of all

Do not take sides with you Mother against him, that is neither fair nor the correct road to take. For all you know, he probably feels that you are both ganging up on him.
Her problems with him go back way before you. That is a minefield so stay out of it. Do not get involved in arguments between them, if one develops, as long as he is not a person who is prone to violence, just leave the room and let them get on with it. To be quite honest, if I was to have an argument with my wife (and I do), if the kid were to get involved she would get a hard smack on the ass from me and get sent out of the room. Apply the same principle to yourself, minus the hard smack.

dbnavan

I have to say i agree with mountainman on this too....apart from Hand money up.....that wont make living with the auld fella any better, some people just have funny ways, u just have to accept it.

Beruthiel

my dad worked hard from the age of 14 up till last autumn, he was forced to retire after a minor stroke.
I remember many a christmas where after two days of relaxing he'd have itchy feet and needed to be doing something, he had no clue how to relax. Just because you are in your 60's or 70's age wise, doesn't mean you are that age in your head. My da doesn't know how to take it easy and still cycles 60 miles a few times a week, for the craic.
You just can't make him slow down, he'd rather be dead he said.
Retirement at the start was very difficult for him, doing nothing was beyond his comprehension and it has taken him over half a year to settle into a slower pace of life. He has started to find things to do that he never had time for before.
Your da sounds lost, when you get to his age you know that most of your life is behind you and not in front. I'm guessing that he's been thinking about that a lot, hence the worrying about being sick all the time. He really does need to find some hobbies, or perhaps some volunteer work with a charity, helping others might stop him thinking about himself so much.
Giving him a hard time about everything he says or does will only help to enforce the feeling and lack of self worth as a retiree.

Dave!

I think that he's just bored, and he's not being challenged or engaged by anything, so he's getting that way. A hobby or two would probably be the best thing for him, so that he's not just sitting around doing nothing.

Could he manage a kids' football team? Photography? What about a course in computers? Painting? Building something (some sort of project would be good for him)?

There's lots of things for him to do, maybe you could start a hobby yourself and make him interested in it, or any you've got at the moment, show him whatever results you get from it, from time to time, and see if he gets involved.

Maybe he could learn to play a musical instrument, like piano, if he doesn't already.

I'd say that's the problem though, he's bored. I spent a summer with nothing to do, a couple of years ago, and I just moped about the house. I was incredibly bored and lonely and depressed as a result. I can't imagine doing it for 15 or 20 years!

DublinWriter

You know something OP? I read your post last night and it made me so angry that I thought I’d cool off a little before writing a reply of any length.

First off, the guy has worked all his life putting food on the table and putting you all through school\college\pony club\whatever. Give the guy some freakin' slack.

Secondly, he's probably at the Doctor's so much because the Doctor is the only one nearby who will listen to him. How the hell can you state with any certainty that the Doctor is “sick of seeing him”?

Thirdly, his putting the peelings in the “wrong bin” is probably the one single act of defiance left to the guy to express his feelings about what sounds like a very ungrateful and critical family.

If you find his putting the peelings in the ‘wrong’ bin annoying, I’d suggest you try having to grow up with an abusive and/or alcoholic father.

“Nit-picking” doesn’t even begin to describe what you’re doing to a close family member who’s probably found the transition to retirement very traumatic indeed and is deserving of your support.

I have to say, very little I see on boards genuinely upsets or angers me, but I find your post galling.

LegacyUser

I have to say, very little I see on boards genuinely upsets or angers me, but I find your post galling.

Right, eh, this is a bit dramatic...seriously.

Yknow, I'm really kinda sorry that I bothered putting up the post here, to be honest, because apart from the few nice folk, Beruthiel, doctor_evil, Dave McG, etc, who have made an effort, the rest of you who have just concluded various things about my relationship with my Dad when in reality you dont have a clue. Sorry to sound annoyed here but I think it's competely ridiculous that I'm being berrated by strangers who have filled in the blanks to suit themselves and have made me out to be the bad guy.

I appreciate that without knowing the full situation, it's impossible for you to really advise properly, but for people to start giving out to me and tell me to hand up money etc, well, quite frankly, if you think this is helping, then you really need to cop on. Why do you presume I don't hand up money? I do, as a matter of fact, every week, and I help my parents out a lot, not that this is actually any of your business.

Honour thy father and thy mother - yes, I do. I do not mistreat my Dad, or talk to him disrespectfully, and I dont even let him know how frustrated I get - so to all of you who have me down as the world's worst child then please admit that you've overreacted, or just do not bother replying. I am not siding with my mother - I am perfectly capable of making my own mind on these issues.

I laid down some facts about the situation as best I can. I probably haven't described it perfectly, but I was hoping that some other people might have found the same thing with their Dads following retirement, and was hoping someone poeple might have some advice as regards the hypochondria. (and for the person who questioned how I know that the doctor is sick of him, I know because my mother has spoken to the doctor about him. So again, please dont presume I'm making things up. I'm worried about him, his mental state in particular, I'm worried about my mother, and I'm worried about their relationship together. To conclude that I'm being selfish in all this couldn't be further from the truth.

For those who have replied in a helpful, objective way, thank you, genuinely appreciated.

For the rest of you, you dont know me or my Dad so in future, if someone posts looking for advice, you might want to reconsider how you respond before you jump to conclusions.

Replying this angrily and defensively is completely out of character for me, and makes me sound like a bitch, when I'm not. But for some of you, I dont think telling you that I'm not a bitch is going to change your preception of me anyway!

I know this will probably lead to further attacks on me by people trying to defend their position - but frankly, dont bother, coz I wont be reading (not meaning to offend those who have replied with actual advice - as I said I do appreciate it, so thank you)

dbnavan

If you want advice you want to hear then dont ask strangers ask people who'll invite you in make you cup of tea, hold your hand and tell you everything will be ok, there might be a lonely old lady who'll lives near you who will do it for you, or you can ask people's opinion and choose to take it or leave it. But with that kind of response your lucky u didnt reply with ur username, because people wouldnt be as quick to hand u advise again.

Cop on and welcome to life where people get old, develop funny ways, just be thankful u have ur father, or ur not pushing him around in a wheelchair. Jesus I am sorry but ur last post just pi**ed me off!

DublinWriter

dbnavan wrote:

Cop on and welcome to life where people get old, develop funny ways, just be thankful u have ur father, or ur not pushing him around in a wheelchair. Jesus I am sorry but ur last post just pi**ed me off!

True, and if he were to die tomorrow, you'd miss him more than anything and probably recall with fondness how he used to put the peelings in the "wrong bin".

As for his Doctor, there's such a thing as Doctor-Patient confidentiality, he should be struck-off for discussing his case with your mother.

LegacyUser

sounds like your describing my da too....he is still working but he moans and alot of the time does not treat my ma right...he has the ability to brink a black cloud into everyroom he enters....makes for a ****ty home life, he's not always bad but when he is, its bloody unbarable. he snaps, barks at us -> makes large sighs and huffs and puffs over any house work (so that we will know he is suffering) he is determined to take everyone in the house down with him. dont know what to do about him tbh.

The Sweeper

Some of the replies here are harsh. I often think PI is like a lottery - depending on whether or not the first responder think you're a devil or a saint it affects the remainder of the replies.

For what it's worth, I feel for the OP. It's difficult to find something to fill the gap that working has left. Does your father do ANYTHING outside the house, and it is possible for you to take a deep breath, push your current frustrations to one side and start some activity you can involve your father in?

Anybody here ever been unemployed? Ever get depressed sitting around the house? Retirement seems to be like that if you don't have some personal interest lined up into which you can throw yourself.

My father has a workshop that's completely separate to our house and is about 50 feet away from the back door. I often think it's a cornerstone of my parents' marriage. Now, in his seventies, he works a relaxed day out there - disappears off at 10am into the workshop, reappears for some lunch, disappears again, reappears at 4pm for dinner and a round of afternoon television quiz shows.

He can spend literally hours listening to the radio and making a wooden stand for a flowerpot or somesuch. As long as he's on a project that involves the creation of sawdust, he's fine. As soon as he extends his projects back into the house ("I think I'll panel the bath") it creates tension.

Best thing you can do is not take sides and try not to let your dad wind you up.

Wurly

If you think that some of the issues are 'none of our business', then why include them in your post? Just wondering.

And for the record, you are acting childish. If you dont like what you hear then you jump on the bandwagon and slate everyone who didnt agree with you. Calm down a little bit. As you said, people dont know whats going on, so how can you expect everyone to therefore react favourably.

Listen, people can be really annoying. But it may be that we are being a bit too sensitive to others behaviours aswell. We can be very annoying to others too. I live with a father who is very difficult to handle due to mental issues. But thats the way he is and I cant change him. Ive spoken to him about it before so at least he is aware (I would suggest you doing this too if at all possible). But he doesnt change and I cant expect him too. I dont let those irritants get under my skin anymore. How have I mastered this? I keep myself busy and mind my own business. I get on with my life and he gets on with his. And I try to keep everything as amicable as possible even when I feel like throttling the man. Its takes time and practice but its worth it for a peaceful life. If you feel you cant live with him, move out if you are in a position to do so.

Good luck.

Hagar

I tried to go into semi-retirement a few years ago. It nearly drove me mad and in turn I nearly drove everyone around me mad. Now I'm running a business and I'm almost bearable again. Some people just have to be active. Give your Da a break, he's just finding the adjustment difficult. Hobbies might work but they're only passtimes, he needs to be useful. Would he be interested in voluntary work for the underpriveleged, disabled or anything like that?

doctor evil wrote:

exacerbate his foibles

A great phrase someone had to quote it.

lucernarian

Hold on, just because the man in question is the OP's father does not mean that the OP should put up with behaviour like putting stuff in the wrong bin to spite people. We can love the person but not their behaviour, you know.

If the father is creating a bad atmosphere in the house, then something needs to be done about it. It does sound like he has gotten weary of life or needs more human company or something. Like what other posters said, I think doing stuff together like golf or even going for a walk etc. would be good. Get him involved with groups or people where he can enjoy himself and have a break from his family. We all need a break from relatives sometimes.

A question for the OP: Does your dad ever go to the local pub? What are his main interests and when does he interact with other people? Your mum needs to be understanding of the situation and remember that your father is her husband. Mabye she could do with talking over the situation to her GP or someone else, just to calm herself down or whatever.

dbnavan, I found your post to be highly rude. Just because the problems the family are having aren't huge on the scale of things, doesn't mean that they are not problems.

P.S. Get your dad feeling useful again. The retirement seems to have affected him a lot. Try not to criticise him directly, as being told that he is stupid or childish or anything else negative tbh will not help your father's attitude or mindset.

dbnavan

To_be_confirmed wrote:

dbnavan, I found your post to be highly rude. Just because the problems the family are having aren't huge on the scale of things, doesn't mean that they are not problems.

What part of my post exactly?

Dave!

Minesajackdaniels wrote:

Some of the replies here are harsh. I often think PI is like a lottery - depending on whether or not the first responder think you're a devil or a saint it affects the remainder of the replies.

I agree, and it's ridiculous. It's getting to the point where a page into their thread, people are often saying things like "I'm sorry I posted this in the first place" because all they're getting is abuse and judgement instead of help or advice. Grow up ffs, there's no need to chastise someone who's asking for advice just because you feel like it. I'd imagine people are becoming reluctant to post threads here because there's invariably a small group of posters reading them and salivating at the mouth as they post their unfounded, or ill-founded, opinions of the poster's character, based on a paragraph of text.

lucernarian

^^^

dbnavan wrote:

Cop on and welcome to life where people get old, develop funny ways, just be thankful u have ur father, or ur not pushing him around in a wheelchair. Jesus I am sorry but ur last post just pi**ed me off!

Telling someone to "cop on" is in no way going to help the OP's situation. You are belittling the problem that the OP has and my point is that a father does not have to be disabled or an alcholic to cause serious problems within a house. Of course, the OP can't go around telling people to cop on either.

This part is not directed at dbnavan.
The OP's response was perfectly justified IMO. If someone is seeking advice about something, they shouldn't expect how their request angered somebody. All that was asked was if there was anyone out there who knew how the OP felt, basically. Why should someone take their father's behaviour on the chin, simply because he is their father?

AngryAnderson

Ikky Poo2 wrote:

Ah, if life was but that simple. Ditching relatives with a ****-you attitude and you say Dublin isn't selfish...?

What are you, my shadow now? And I wasn't recommending that he ditch his relatives - quite the opposite in fact. Jeez, the stupid bus just came rolling in :rolleyes:

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

AngryAnderson wrote:

What are you, my shadow now? And I wasn't recommending that he ditch his relatives - quite the opposite in fact. Jeez, the stupid bus just came rolling in :rolleyes:

Nah, just spotted the name... more of a coincidence. And you're right, it seems to have been the guy before you who had the attitude... apologies!

dbnavan

To_be_confirmed wrote:

^^^

Telling someone to "cop on" is in no way going to help the OP's situation. You are belittling the problem that the OP has and my point is that a father does not have to be disabled or an alcholic to cause serious problems within a house. Of course, the OP can't go around telling people to cop on either.

You missed an important bit in his own house not just a house, in which he is entitled to do as he pleases

Gordon

AngryAnderson wrote:

Jeez, the stupid bus just came rolling in :rolleyes:

Less of that thanks.

lucernarian

dbnavan wrote:

You missed an important bit in his own house not just a house, in which he is entitled to do as he pleases

Hmmm... In an absolute sense he is but is his wife supposed to tolerate his behaviour? The OP has the option of moving out but it is as much the mother's home as it is the father's.

Sam Vimes

unregguy wrote:

it sounds like youre describing my dad.
although add on a bit of paranoia and a bad temper.

i thought my dad was the only one who forms opinions, then assembles the facts and throws away the ones that don't fit.

and do other dads claim that everything around them that could possibly be considered bad to them is a premeditated act by evil people out to get them?

will i turn out like that? claiming that, for example, it was selfish of my daughter to turn off the tv when leaving the room because she KNEW i'd be coming into the room in twenty minutes. and of course, if she hadn't turned it off, she'd be selfish for wasting electricity.

if i find that the printer doesn't work, will my first assumption be that my son removed the cartridges to be spiteful?

and when my son points out that what i'm saying makes no sense, will i claim that he threatened to stab me?

LegacyUser

I understand the OP's situation. In something similar myself.
He's still working because he wants to.
It's like all the little annoying characteristics he had years ago (as all people do) got so much more prounounced.
He lives completely in the past and continuously lives amongst the dead.
No matter what you talk about in conversation he invariably brings it around to something dark and depressing.
Theres more to it than that but its a brief summary.

My mother is similarly elderly but hasn't become so self absorbed or literally out of control with such a dark outlook.

My opinion: generally I think this happens to old men alot. They lose their physical ability and as it seems in my experience, dont cme to terms with it very well (old age). /Jesus just read yeats' poetry, anyone else want to smack him round the head?

As much as it gets to me I constantly remind myself of a few things:
* I'm living in his house
* He provided for me for years.
* He's lost almost everyone he knew and finds this difficult to come to erms with
* If I can be patient with strangers I work with and other people on a day to day basis, I can try with my own father.

The best thing to do is try and make him feel strong. Allow him to believe he is still the father of the house, even if its not strictly true. That seems cold and callous to say, but your trying to make it easy for him.
Do this by tryingreal hard not to talk down to him and make conversation about day to day topics he is interested in rather than avoiding him. Change the subject if he starts talking about himself rather drearily or about his health. Don't walk away from him.

Perhaps hes moaning about his health as someone else said for attention.

Let your mother give out to him. DONT DO IT YOURSELF. She married him.:)
Too many people telling him to do this or not say this so often will make him feel cornered.

I'm afraid you just have to put up with it and try really hard to be patient. Possibly like he did when you were five and swinging out of his neck

Its you're time to give or get out. I know, much easier said than done.