Fertility Test

LegacyUser

Would it be wrong to request that your partner get a fertility test done before you get married?

chuckles30

Well I wouldn't be impressed if I was asked to take one. In fact it would be the end of the relationship. At the end of the day if you're going to marry someone you should want to be with them no matter what happens - good and bad. What happens if the test results come back and there is a problem? Not alone does somebody discover they have a problem, but they also get dumped. Also, does the partner requesting the test also get tested themselves?? I just don't like the whole idea at all.

Beruthiel

Pearlyearrings wrote:

Would it be wrong to request that your partner get a fertility test done before you get married?

Your head would spin with the speed I'd dump you.
You marry someone because you cannot live without them, not cos they are able to produce a baby

The Corinthian

Pearlyearrings wrote:

Would it be wrong to request that your partner get a fertility test done before you get married?

Explain to him / her that having children is very important to you - so important that it would consciously, or subconsciously, be a deal breaker for you. Ask him / her if in the case that they are infertile, how they would feel about you reproducing artificially and whether this would be a deal breaker for them.

This may result in you breaking up or his/her getting tested or you having the artificial option in the future. But it will be an honest approach and you’ll have dealt with it as best as you can.

chuckles30 wrote:

At the end of the day if you're going to marry someone you should want to be with them no matter what happens - good and bad.

Oh bless that sweet naivety of yours.

The Corinthian

Beruthiel wrote:

You marry someone because you cannot live without them, not cos they are able to produce a baby

Reality is that most marry for both. After all, the latter is often a better long term investment.

metrovelvet

Beruthiel wrote:

Your head would spin with the speed I'd dump you.
You marry someone because you cannot live without them, not cos they are able to produce a baby

Harsh!

And also wrong. A lot of people dont see the point in getting married unless its to have kids.

Considering how stressful infertility is on a marriage I dont think its unfair for OP to ask for feedback on this without getting such a severe response from moderators whose job it is to preserve a safe space in which people feel free to ask uncomfortable questions.

the Guru

I'm with Beruthiel,
also you should speak to them, why do you want him to get checked (I'm assuming that you are a lady from you unreged handle), are you trying to get pregnant at the moment, do you have children already ? maybe the problem lies with you ! how old are you ? are you taking medication that may cause you not to fall pregnant?

Zulu

Pearlyearrings wrote:

Would it be wrong to request that your partner get a fertility test done before you get married?

Don't expect a plesant response. ...and you probably shouldn't expect to hear "yes" later on.

Zulu

metrovelvet wrote:

Harsh!

And also wrong.

Funny that. I always taught marrage was all about: for better or for worse, etc. etc.; a bond between two people in love. I never realised that infertility would cause someone to stop loving you?!?

I wonder do parents also stop loving infertile children.....

LegacyUser

I know friends whose marriage has broken down because of the stress caused by infertility. I think it is an important issue which shouldn't be ignored.

The Corinthian

metrovelvet wrote:

And also wrong. A lot of people dont see the point in getting married unless its to have kids.

Legally speaking having kids is the only reason for getting married if you’re a man as it gives you some rights to your offspring. Otherwise, the only thing marriage has to offer a man is 50% liability.

Zulu wrote:

Funny that. I always taught marrage was all about: for better or for worse, etc. etc.; a bond between two people in love. I never realised that infertility would cause someone to stop loving you?!?

Who ever said anything about love? We’re discussing marriage.

Zulu

The Corinthian wrote:

Who ever said anything about love? We’re discussing marriage.

...true, true.

rsynnott

Is there a special reason for this? Most people can reproduce. Have you had such a test yourself?

simu

OP, are you sure you're fertile yourself? Also, do you have some particular reason to think your partner may be infertile?

It's a tricky question tbh. If you're fertile and your partner is not, sacrificing your chance of having natural kids is a big decision. I wouldn't dismiss the idea of getting tests done as quickly as others in this thread have. You should discuss it with him/her really - if you are to have as serious relationship as to consider marriage, you should be able to discuss such things.

Victor

I'm not sure what the situation is, but is infertility grounds for annulment? Or is it impotentcy is grounds? Talk to a solicitor.

rsynnott

Victor wrote:

I'm not sure what the situation is, but is infertility grounds for annulment? Or is it impotentcy is grounds? Talk to a solicitor.

Don't think it is... Lack of sexual contact is, or used to be.

Nevyn

Infertility is grounds for an annulment in both the catholic and anglican churches.

cupsoftea

The Corinthian wrote:

Legally speaking having kids is the only reason for getting married if you’re a man as it gives you some rights to your offspring. Otherwise, the only thing marriage has to offer a man is 50% liability.
QUOTE]

What if , God forbid, your wife earned more than you!

Nevyn

Lets keep things on topic please.
Other issues and debates arround this can be had in humanitites.
Thaedydal

CathyMoran

I would be horrified if my SO wanted me to go for a fertility test. We would both like if we could have kids (and for a while it was the reason why we did not get hitched, I was afraid that I might not be able to have kids and because he is adopted I feel that there is extra pressure) but we talked through it, he would rather have kids but would rather be with me (and if we are not lucky enough we can adopt). I can understand fully that some people marry partially to have kids but there are other ways of having kids. It would be a different issue if your partner did not want kids, that could be a deal breaker.

Beruthiel

The Corinthian wrote:

Reality is that most marry for both. After all, the latter is often a better long term investment.

perhaps it is for some TC
but that fact wouldn't cut it with me...

LegacyUser

Would you like to be married to someone you love, but unhappy for the rest of your life because you cannot have children with your partner? Think of the strain this underlying unhappiness would put on your relationship!

For some people, having children is one of their aims / goals in life and they take this issue quite seriously. A healthy relationship should fulfil your needs, both sexual and otherwise. An infertile relationship would be somewhat lacking in fulfilling some peoples needs and trap them in an unhappy situation for a long time.

Victor

While not wanting to rain on anyone's parade, isn't there the risk that having those kids is just another part of the dominant discourse of "job, partner, 2.3 kids, house in the suburbs, 1.5 cars".

One doesn't need to fit the mould.

CathyMoran

Pearly earrings wrote:

Would you like to be married to someone you love, but unhappy for the rest of your life because you cannot have children with your partner? Think of the strain this underlying unhappiness would put on your relationship!

For some people, having children is one of their aims / goals in life and they take this issue quite seriously. A healthy relationship should fulfil your needs, both sexual and otherwise. An infertile relationship would be somewhat lacking in fulfilling some peoples needs and trap them in an unhappy situation for a long time.

It is something that you need to discuss with your partner - as I have said before, my partner is adopted and we both desperatly want kids but we have accepted that there is a possibility that, like any other couple, we may not be able to concieve. You can adopt and or foster, there is also surrogacy. Having a child is a lottery in any case, what would happen if you found out you were both fertile but then subsequently found out that you carried a serious genetic mutation, sorry for adding this to the mix but it is something that my partner and I have discussed...I am a type I diabetic and there is a small chance that our child might have the condition. I would personally find it hurtful and insulting if my partner demanded a fertility test, it would make me feel like a baby incubator and nothing more...maybe I am old fashioned and nieve but I would still believe in marrying for love.

metrovelvet

Perhaps OP this is a bridge you should cross when you come to it.

Statistically 1/3 of childless couples is due to the mother, 1/3 to the father and 1/3 for unknown reasons, just a bad match chemically.

Also our bodies change and so what may be indicated on a test one month may not hold true the following month. There are many many variables at work. And many solutions.

It seems that you maybe putting the carriage before the horse here. Do you think theres something else you are worried about in entering this marriage and that you are displacing it onto a fertility issue?

Stress is the number one enemy in fertility, so ... dont cause a self fulfiiling prophesy.

CathyMoran

I know of a couple who thought that they were childless, adopted then went on to have 6 kids that were biologically theirs naturally, another family adopted one childe then went on to have another child...have heard of several cases like this. Metrovelvet is totally correct with her post.

quad_red

Pearly earrings wrote:

Would you like to be married to someone you love, but unhappy for the rest of your life because you cannot have children with your partner? Think of the strain this underlying unhappiness would put on your relationship!

For some people, having children is one of their aims / goals in life and they take this issue quite seriously. A healthy relationship should fulfil your needs, both sexual and otherwise. An infertile relationship would be somewhat lacking in fulfilling some peoples needs and trap them in an unhappy situation for a long time.

You've a right to ask whatever you want. If that is your life goal then so be it.

But I find your cold ultimatum depressing.

And the question remains - what if YOU are infertile? Does that mean you'll be ok with your guy dumping you?

hepcat

quad_red wrote:

You've a right to ask whatever you want. If that is your life goal then so be it.

But I find your cold ultimatum depressing.

And the question remains - what if YOU are infertile? Does that mean you'll be ok with your guy dumping you?

Well said quad_red.

And OP, if it turned out your partner had a low sperm count for eg, would you dump him and move on to someone else? Presumably that somone else would also have to agree to a fertility test etc.

Life is not perfect, and you are not automatically entitled to perfect marriage with healthy kids and so on. Usually people only opt for fertility tests when they are having trouble conceiving - it just seems a bit control-freakish to be doing it before you commit to the person you are supposed to love. I've heard of pre-nups, but it looks like you're ahead of our US cousins on this one!

The Corinthian

hepcat wrote:

Life is not perfect, and you are not automatically entitled to perfect marriage with healthy kids and so on.

Life is not perfect, and you are not automatically entitled to perfect marriage with healthy kids and so on, but neither does this mean that you should live it by the seat of your pants.

For example, STI tests are not an uncommon demand in relationships and if one or other party tests positive this invariably will lead to a break-up. Certainly an STI is not the same thing as fertility as an STI could put your own life in peril, however we’re still back at the same principle of cold-blooded assessment of a relationship that people here are falling over themselves like lemmings to reject.

This does not mean that you’re entitled to perfect marriage with healthy kids and so on, but it does mean that you should realistically use your head and not your heart when considering a life term commitment and stop coming out with meaningless platitudes about ‘true love’ and ‘for better or worse’.

tbh

This is a weird one. You are getting married to this person, so you are planning on sharing everything in your life, for the rest of your life, with them, but it doesn't sound like you've discussed this much with them. Anyway, I think I'd like to know what you plan on doing with the information when and if you get it.

For example, if you plan on not marrying the person if they prove to be infertile, then you need to talk to them plainly about this. Some people might say you are being selfish, but then you only get one life (probably) so you might as well look after your own interests in this regard. You could compare it with asking someone to have genetic screening - and if they are prone to cancer, you'd think again. How would you feel about that? In sickness and in health and all that.

If you plan on marrying them anyway, but just want to know where you stand, then again I would say it's fair enough, just talk it through first.
Having kids is a huge deal and I would have thought that it'd be high on the list of things for discussion.

dbnavan

Pearly earrings wrote:

Would you like to be married to someone you love, but unhappy for the rest of your life because you cannot have children with your partner? Think of the strain this underlying unhappiness would put on your relationship!

For some people, having children is one of their aims / goals in life and they take this issue quite seriously. A healthy relationship should fulfil your needs, both sexual and otherwise. An infertile relationship would be somewhat lacking in fulfilling some peoples needs and trap them in an unhappy situation for a long time.

I cant believe someone would be so narrow minded.....dump someone cause he couldnt give you kids......would u dump him if he had a terminal illness too? you marry for better or worse, end of story. I am speaking from expeirence on this, wife is due in september but for a while wasnt sure it would happen, and she asked me what we'd do if we couldnt have kids I said we carry on, i was horrified that she would consider I would say anything else. If having kids means more to you then the person u choose to take as ur wife or husband well then you have serious things to think about, nobody comes before my wife, and I aint a holy joe either far from it.

Pearly earrings

Pearly earrings wrote:

Would you like to be married to someone you love, but unhappy for the rest of your life because you cannot have children with your partner? Think of the strain this underlying unhappiness would put on your relationship!

For some people, having children is one of their aims / goals in life and they take this issue quite seriously. A healthy relationship should fulfil your needs, both sexual and otherwise. An infertile relationship would be somewhat lacking in fulfilling some peoples needs and trap them in an unhappy situation for a long time.

Then adopt. Problem solved.
If you love them that much, are you going to dump them anyway for being infertile? And be happy if they did the same to you if you were infertile?

shroomfox

Would it be wrong to request that your partner get a fertility test done before you get married?

Nah. Fair enough.

Zulu

Pearly earrings wrote:

Would you like to be married to someone you love, but unhappy for the rest of your life because you cannot have children with your partner? Think of the strain this underlying unhappiness would put on your relationship!

...or you could leave the person you love and marry a nice sperm producer that might loves you, but who you don't love. Imagine the strain this underlying unhappiness would put on your relationship. ...and you'd have little ones to consider.

What a nice liitle family you'd have there. :rolleyes:

metrovelvet

The Corinthian wrote:

Life is not perfect, and you are not automatically entitled to perfect marriage with healthy kids and so on, but neither does this mean that you should live it by the seat of your pants.

For example, STI tests are not an uncommon demand in relationships and if one or other party tests positive this invariably will lead to a break-up. Certainly an STI is not the same thing as fertility as an STI could put your own life in peril, however we’re still back at the same principle of cold-blooded assessment of a relationship that people here are falling over themselves like lemmings to reject.

This does not mean that you’re entitled to perfect marriage with healthy kids and so on, but it does mean that you should realistically use your head and not your heart when considering a life term commitment and stop coming out with meaningless platitudes about ‘true love’ and ‘for better or worse’.

Well said TC. Finally an adult response that is not accompanied by cartoon hearts floating around it.

Zulu

metrovelvet wrote:

Well said TC. Finally an adult response that is not accompanied by cartoon hearts floating around it.

Very good! I like the way you did that - both insult and disregard all posters who don't happen to agree with you! Real mature. :rolleyes:

hepcat

The Corinthian wrote:

Life is not perfect, and you are not automatically entitled to perfect marriage with healthy kids and so on, but neither does this mean that you should live it by the seat of your pants.

For example, STI tests are not an uncommon demand in relationships and if one or other party tests positive this invariably will lead to a break-up. Certainly an STI is not the same thing as fertility as an STI could put your own life in peril, however we’re still back at the same principle of cold-blooded assessment of a relationship that people here are falling over themselves like lemmings to reject.

This does not mean that you’re entitled to perfect marriage with healthy kids and so on, but it does mean that you should realistically use your head and not your heart when considering a life term commitment and stop coming out with meaningless platitudes about ‘true love’ and ‘for better or worse’.

I don't think its that black and white. I'm far from being a naieve "true love conquers all" idealist, but neither do I think you should apply logic OVER emotion when considering a long term commitment such as marriage. In fact, I would believe that love for your partner is the best basis for a long and happy marriage, and everything after is a bonus. And if you love your partner, then their fertility should not be a "deal-breaker". Otherwise, why not be really realistic and marry for love but adopt or go to a sperm donor (having naturally checked out their sperm quality and likelihood of producing the best possible offspring!).

What I am trying to say is that - forget about platitudes and rose-tinted ideals - prospects for a happy long term relationship cannot be compared to a balance sheet, with "compatibility scores" and "physcial qualifications" taking precendence over the old fashioned notion of love. And if having kids is more important than a happy relationship, then that relaionship may well end in tears leaving you with just the kids and no marriage.

Flush Phill

I'd check pre-matromony. If you go all in, you're obviously pot committed and in Ireland your outs are limited.

You've got good odds, but why turn down a free flop?

quad_red

metrovelvet wrote:

Well said TC. Finally an adult response that is not accompanied by cartoon hearts floating around it.

Yes.

By 'adult' you mean your opinion.

Faith

I'm not sure has this been asked before, and I'm not going to read back and find out, but what would you do should your partner be infertile? Dump him? Throw away everything just because you can't bear his children? Is that really a grounds for ending an otherwise good, stable relationship?

metrovelvet

By adult I mean not clouded in sentimentality and able to face honestly tough decisions.

Kids/family planning are often cul de sac when it comes to the sink or swim in a relationship.

The Corinthian

hepcat wrote:

I don't think its that black and white. I'm far from being a naieve "true love conquers all" idealist, but neither do I think you should apply logic OVER emotion when considering a long term commitment such as marriage.

In fairness, I wasn’t directing my criticism at you in particular.

In fact, I would believe that love for your partner is the best basis for a long and happy marriage, and everything after is a bonus. And if you love your partner, then their fertility should not be a "deal-breaker".

Oh dear, first you say it’s not black and white then you come out with this silly rubbish. What happens if you love your partner (and vice versa) and they’re also unfaithful, alcoholics or prone to violence?

A poor spouse is a "deal-breaker" for a few. An unfaithful one is for many. One prone to violence is for most. We’ve no problem being cold blooded and accepting that love is not enough when we need to - it simply depends on what we consider to be our "deal-breaker".

And what’s a "deal-breaker"? That’s really up to you and there’s very little others can do about it. Infidelity for me would not necessarily be a "deal-breaker", but I accept that it is for others. So we can lecture the OP on how shallow she is, but when you come down to it were she to follow the advice of the love struck lemmings here, and her fiancé is a jaffa, she’d quite possibly regret her choice each and every time she sees a pram being pushed around.

shroomfox

Flush Phill wrote:

I'd check pre-matromony. If you go all in, you're obviously pot committed and in Ireland your outs are limited.

You've got good odds, but why turn down a free flop?

OK, when you start talking in Poker, you've got problems.

Zulu

metrovelvet wrote:

By adult I mean not clouded in sentimentality and able to face honestly tough decisions.

Your 'adult' notions appear to have overlooked what happens after conception. I would argue that a relationship founded with the primary purpose of reproducing isn't the best family unit to raise a child in.

metrovelvet

So what in your opinion is the best family unit to raise a child in?

Nevyn

In many other countries a blood test is needed before you can get married.
People who have genetic predispositions to certain conditions will have genetic screenings done
for both them and thier partner to see what are the chances of passing on fatal or severely life damaging conditions.
A lot of people do this in the run up to getting married.
If they have decided to marry it is unlikly to change that happening but at
least they know all the facts first and can then if having children is not an option look at what other options are advailible.

I do know of some one who was enguaged who when finding out it would be a slim to none chance of her being able to have kids
offered him back the ring as he had said he always wanted children, they did get maried and are looking at adoption.

I would not suggest a fertility test, maybe a screening so you both know where you stand both fertilty and inheritance genetically wise.

Heavens forbid people actually consider and plan thier lifes and look to what may happen and try to find out instead of
blundering along getting married and having it sour due to expetations they then find they can't forfill or work arround.

hepcat

The Corinthian wrote:

In fairness, I wasn’t directing my criticism at you in particular.

Oh dear, first you say it’s not black and white then you come out with this silly rubbish. What happens if you love your partner (and vice versa) and they’re also unfaithful, alcoholics or prone to violence?

A poor spouse is a "deal-breaker" for a few. An unfaithful one is for many. One prone to violence is for most. We’ve no problem being cold blooded and accepting that love is not enough when we need to - it simply depends on what we consider to be our "deal-breaker".

And what’s a "deal-breaker"? That’s really up to you and there’s very little others can do about it. Infidelity for me would not necessarily be a "deal-breaker", but I accept that it is for others. So we can lecture the OP on how shallow she is, but when you come down to it were she to follow the advice of the love struck lemmings here, and her fiancé is a jaffa, she’d quite possibly regret her choice each and every time she sees a pram being pushed around.

What gives you the right to call someone elses opinion silly rubbish with your "oh dear" intimations of intellectual superiority?

I do accept that there are "deal-breakers" like alcoholism, infidelity and violence. I would not compare these traits with someone having a low-sperm count BUT I can accept that some would. I can accept that having kids is an extremely important issue for anyone, but in my opinion I think that asking a loved one for a fertility test is too controlling, may not even work out and should not be a reason for throwing away an otherwise loving relationship.

If as your so nicely put it her fiance is a "jaffa", there are other means of conceiving and having children.

Zulu

metrovelvet wrote:

So what in your opinion is the best family unit to raise a child in?

...do you care?

I'd rather not hijack the thread. Feel free to PM me, or start another thread "Zulu's ideal family unit"

The Corinthian

hepcat wrote:

What gives you the right to call someone elses opinion silly rubbish with your "oh dear" intimations of intellectual superiority?

You really have to ask?

I do accept that there are "deal-breakers" like alcoholism, infidelity and violence. I would not compare these traits with someone having a low-sperm count BUT I can accept that some would. I can accept that having kids is an extremely important issue for anyone, but in my opinion I think that asking a loved one for a fertility test is too controlling, may not even work out and should not be a reason for throwing away an otherwise loving relationship.

Then you marry him.

Has opinion now become the universal licence for spouting whatever idiotic and unfounded notion we have in our skulls?

metrovelvet

What's a Jaffa?

hepcat

The Corinthian wrote:

You really have to ask?

Then you marry him.

Has opinion now become the universal licence for spouting whatever idiotic and unfounded notion we have in our skulls?

1. Yep, I really have to ask.

2. "Then you marry him"???? Read the OP's thread - she asked for our opinions.

3. So you don't have opinions, you just know everything? And the rest of us spout idiotic and unfounded notions? Glad I don't live in your world.