Affairs

Lindaloo

I was out over the weekend and I'm 99.9% sure that my friends husband cheated on her with one of her best friends.

We were at a house party and they disappeared outside for ages, then again they disappeared upstairs for a while. I was downstairs and could hear them chatting away upstairs, then it went really quiet and after about 10 mins. I started up the stairs and she came down and I heard the toilet door slam. Later on I was in the living room and was watching her out in the hall talking to him and putting her hands on his arm in a way that a partner would do to their other half. This was all going on when his wife was asleep out on the couch.

I think he knows that I saw all of this, he defo saw me watching them in the hall, but what do I do? Do I leave it or do I challenge him because to be honest I can't even look at him and he was a good friend who I used to have an awful lot of time for but this has sickened me. Someone else noticed too and said it to me yesterday

I feel sick having this in my head, I am gutted that it's happened (it may not have but like I say I'm 99.9% sure, the .1% is a charity donation to him!)

The friend is also involved with someone, it's not like she's free to do it either, she's with one of his best friends!

Oriel

Get proof before you choose to do anything. Apart from that, mind your own business

Lindaloo

sinecurea wrote:

Get proof before you choose to do anything. Apart from that, mind your own business

I'm not saying anything to her, I do know that but I don't honestly think that I can not say anything to him. Like I say, I can't even look at him let alone speak to him anymore so I don't think I'm going to be able to stay quiet.

Lindaloo

Just to say, I don't get involved in peoples relationships, I do not want to say anything, but for the sake of our friendship and to wise him up I think I have to in this regard.

In the past I've heard of friends and their wanderings but didn't do anything about it cos I wasn't sure or didn't have any reason to believe the gossip, after the weekend, I'd be sure myself of what went on.

I don't want to be in this position, I've told people I don't want to know any more of the 'don't let on you know this but....' things, I don't want secrets, I'd rather just do my own thing and then when things happen, find out when it's out in the open

AngryBadger

Lindaloo wrote:

I don't want to be in this position, I've told people I don't want to know any more of the 'don't let on you know this but....' things, I don't want secrets, I'd rather just do my own thing and then when things happen, find out when it's out in the open

The thing is, you ARE in this position. It's pretty clear cut thereafter. You can keep it to yourself, and no-one would blame you for that.

Or you can tell your friend, and he probably won't appreciate hearing it, and it may cause friction between you and other mutual friends.

Those are your choices, anything else, telling a third party, doing some "discrete" nosing around, any of that is just diluting the issue, you'll wind up making it more complicated, and ultimately you still have to make the same decision.

dudara

You probably have very reasonable grounds for suspicion. But that does not mean that you can intervene in their relationship, however painful it may be for you to have to sit and watch.

Miss Fluff

It's not your relationship so don't get involved.

ravenhead

If you're really sure of what went on then it's not going to do any harm to have a word in his ear, I wouldn't say anything to your friend as there is a good chance that she won't believe you. If you're really p'd off about it then say it to him, let him know that this time you're not going to say anything to her but that there better not be a second time

Lindaloo

dudara wrote:

You probably have very reasonable grounds for suspicion. But that does not mean that you can intervene in their relationship, however painful it may be for you to have to sit and watch.

I was never going to say it to her, I was going to say it to him and that was a lot to do with my relationship with him as like I said, I'm finding it difficult to speak to him.

I did however decide at about 1o'c that feck it, I've enough of my own worries to be going on with without worrying about his so I'm going to just see what happens.

Thanks all.

LegacyUser

I was in a simliar situation a few years ago, however the couple that I knew were not married.

I took the policy of not saying anything. Eventually my friend found out her boyfriend had cheated, and also found out that I knew. My friendship has never been the same and was badly damaged because I never said anything.

My advice, for what its worth, Is confront him. Give him 2 weeks to tell his wife on his terms or you will. If he doesnt tell her, Then its up to you whether you want to tell your friend.

As you said, someone else saw it too, so its not only your word.

Ickle Magoo

It's a toughy - do you keep shtum incase you are wrong or say something incase you are right?.....

Personally, I would have a word in his ear as well.....I wouldn't consider myself much of a friend to have witnessed something that made me & multiple others so suspicious & leave my friend to be the last poor fool to find out....if the boot was on the other foot & someone saw my husband disappear upstairs with another woman (that sounds rediculously suspicious to me! I have never been to a party where couples disapear upstairs since I was a teenager!) then I would expect any "friend" to tell me what was going on.....

If nothing else, you can tell him plenty of people are thinking the same thing.....if your friends husband denies all & you become the bad guy then you have the knowledge that others think the same - at least then you did your best to protect her.....even if she doesn't want to hear it.....otherwise you stay slient and live with the consequences if she comes crying on your shoulder & you've known all about it for yrs.....best of luck

Lindaloo

Ah feck yiz, back to square one again! lol

I'm going to see what happens and how things are with me and him. I'd say that something will be said, only to him and maybe just to even ask what the craic is about it all.

Hopefully everything will turn out okay. Thanks again

Samhildanach

Lindaloo wrote:

This was all going on when his wife was asleep out on the couch.

Oh my God! This whole situation stinks! There is no reason that the guy should disappear upstairs with the best friend ... if it was a matter that she had a personal problem and wanted to talk to him privately well then she could have talked with him in a downstairs room etc ... but to go upstairs! I'd say you are right about your suspicion, what makes it worse is the fact that his wife was there asleep on the couch and that all your mutual friends were there to see this - talk about humiliating! The poor wife ... such disrespect and utter selfishness on their part.

I think there is no point breaking her heart by telling her of your suspicions, however, I would definitely take her husband and possibly the best friend to one side and have words with them (separately of course). Tell them that most people at the party felt their behaviour was out of order and that you, as a good friend to his wife, feel a certain obligation to protect her feelings. If he/she does not cop on then you will be forced to drop hints to his wife. With regard to the best friend, I would certainly tell his wife that you think she is cheating on her boyfriend (this might make the wife more vigilent with regard to her behaviour). You're not telling his wife ... but you can at least warn her in a subtle way. Maybe she will talk to her friend about this ..the friend in turn might be shocked that she suspects something.

The worst thing that could happen is that if you warn him or the best friend they will be forced to be more careful and avoid detection altogher. They may appease you and say that they're innocent and continue to see each other quietly. It's a tough one ... but if I was the wife - I'd hate it if my friends all knew this and said nothing. I'd be crushed by the fact that not only my husband was cheating with my best friend but that all my other friends knew and remained silent.

idontknowmyname

I'd definitely give him the ultimatum.....tell his partner or you will

py2006

BeenThere wrote:

I was in a simliar situation a few years ago, however the couple that I knew were not married.

I took the policy of not saying anything. Eventually my friend found out her boyfriend had cheated, and also found out that I knew. My friendship has never been the same and was badly damaged because I never said anything.

My advice, for what its worth, Is confront him. Give him 2 weeks to tell his wife on his terms or you will. If he doesnt tell her, Then its up to you whether you want to tell your friend.

As you said, someone else saw it too, so its not only your word.

I would have to agree with this! If your friend finds out a few months down the road she will be seriously hurt that you didn't let her know what was going on!

Lex Luthor

Stay out of it...sooner or later he'll get caught and someone else will spill the beans.

and don't tell anyone else you know cos if it gets back to your friend you knew all along, she won't appreciate you not having told her.

so I guess he's not too bothered you seen him then?

TBH, if he has the balls to do it in the house with his wife there, he's not too bothered if he gets caught IMO

metrovelvet

You have absolutely no proof. Its pure speculation on your part. I would say you might be 25% sure - very far from 99.9.

Unless you see it with your own eyes your not a witness. You can say they disappeared upstairs but you cant claim it was an affair because you just dont know. You are assuming.

py2006

metrovelvet wrote:

You have absolutely no proof. Its pure speculation on your part. I would say you might be 25% sure - very far from 99.9.

Unless you see it with your own eyes your not a witness. You can say they disappeared upstairs but you cant claim it was an affair because you just dont know. You are assuming.

Thats a good point alright! It could have all been completely innocent! Perhaps I was a little hasty in my last post suggesting you tell your friend.

Perhaps should to talk to the guy first! If you find admits to the affair then I would deal with it!

Otherwise be careful.

jimmycrackcorm

I also think there is a lot of speculation going on here. There is definitely not enough evidence to conclude an affair.

ionapaul

I was once in a situation where a good friend and I found out that our other close friend's GF had been cheating on him. It took us 24 hours to decide we had to tell him (we had zero proof, we had been told by someone else) - looking back, I am surprised we didn't tell him immediately. Obviously he wasnt happy to hear it, but I can state categorically that he would not have had much time for us if we had kept this to ourselves and waited for him to find out by himself. If someone kept information like this from me if I were being cheated on I would never be able to forgive them. The 'keep your nose out of others' business' policy should not apply when real friends are involved.

Lindaloo

jimmycrackcorm wrote:

I also think there is a lot of speculation going on here. There is definitely not enough evidence to conclude an affair.

I know there's not enough evidence and I am delighted there's not, I'd be in an awful state if I knew for defo that he had. I much prefer not knowing secrets, I love being the last to know things and looking stupid cos I hadn't a clue, it's so much easier!

No one knows that I have suspicions (?spell) so it wouldn't ever get back to the wife and there was only me and someone else and neither of us are about to go blabbing to anyone, even if it was 100%

OrangeOranges

The friend is also involved with someone, it's not like she's free to do it either, she's with one of his best friends!

messsssssssssssssssssy!!! Stay well away.

6th

yeah wait til kids are involved, ruin as many lives as possible! (sarc)

6th

Oryx

Bear in mind, if you do say something, and arent believed, you may be cast as the b!tch whose stirring trouble in this whole thing...

Ickle Magoo

Can any of the folks who say there is no evidence to base suspicion on, maybe explain give me a few innocent scenarios of why this man & his wife's friend disapeared upstairs for 10mins? Any parties my husband & I have attended, disapearing upstairs with your spouse is not the done thing - let alone with someone else's spouse....so perhaps that is making me cynical?!

OP, how close a friend is the wife? Is she your best friend? Or just a woman in your circle of friends?

Lindaloo

Ickle Magoo wrote:

OP, how close a friend is the wife? Is she your best friend? Or just a woman in your circle of friends?

She is a good friend, so is he, the other girl in question isn't someone I'd see or talk to very often and when I do see her, conversation is to the min.

If I'd have been left to think about it myself I'd have been thinking along the 'I'm making too much out of it' line but when my other friend said it to me I knew it wasn't in my head.

I just hope that it is only the two of us that saw or noticed anything, not all our friends are able to keep the gobs shut!

Lindaloo

Lindaloo wrote:

I just hope that it is only the two of us that saw or noticed anything, not all our friends are able to keep the gobs shut!

Why would you want to?
At the very least speak to the guy and ask him what reasons he'd have for disappearing upstairs with the woman, and suggest his behaviour was inappropriate

metrovelvet

Ickle Magoo wrote:

Can any of the folks who say there is no evidence to base suspicion on, maybe explain give me a few innocent scenarios of why this man & his wife's friend disapeared upstairs for 10mins? Any parties my husband & I have attended, disapearing upstairs with your spouse is not the done thing - let alone with someone else's spouse....so perhaps that is making me cynical?!

OP, how close a friend is the wife? Is she your best friend? Or just a woman in your circle of friends?

No it doesnt make you cynical. But its not enought evidence to break up a marriage. You need solid proof if your going to be the homewrecker.

Its just suspicion. Maybe they started something and then thought better of it and didnt do anything in the end. You just dont know. There are any number of possibilities.

I wouldnt say anything unless I saw with my own eyes.

Ickle Magoo

metrovelvet wrote:

No it doesnt make you cynical. But its not enought evidence to break up a marriage. You need solid proof if your going to be the homewrecker.

Its just suspicion. Maybe they started something and then thought better of it and didnt do anything in the end. You just dont know. There are any number of possibilities.

I wouldnt say anything unless I saw with my own eyes.

It's not necessarily going to break up their marriage - which is a sham if he is cheating anyway....if it was your husband, would you not want to know? Even if it was just a suspicion....a suspicion that more than one person had? Would you say nothing to your friend? If the **** hits the preverbial fan later on (which innevitably it does in these situations) will you tell your friend you had suspicions but you didn't see anything conclusive with your own eyes & you didn't want to be a home-wrecker so you said nothing? Or will you feign ignorance on the whole subject? If it was me or my close friend - I think we would say something to each other, or I'd be a pretty shoddy friend.....if it is inocent then he'll have a great excuse for doing what he did, won't he? She can tell her husband people had seen him going upstairs with X - what was he up to?

Lindaloo

I'm not planning on being a homewrecker just for the record .

I would also be dubious about telling her anything even if I did see it with my own eyes.

Oh I don't know, think I just needed to rant and it was easier than clawing his eyes out! lol

Thanks again all

Lex Luthor

Ickle Magoo wrote:

Can any of the folks who say there is no evidence to base suspicion on, maybe explain give me a few innocent scenarios of why this man & his wife's friend disapeared upstairs for 10mins?

I thought this too....he's GUILTY.

But let him hang himself, we men always do....;)

Brown_Eyed_Girl

Unless you know for sure that something happened well then your best bet is to keep your mouth shut, and I am sure that your friend would understand that until you had proof it was not your position to say a thing. Now if she confronted you if she suspected her husband of having an affair or doing something that he should well then I would think that you had every right to tell her what you suspected.

Izzyone

Approach him If you have to first, but you should most definitely talk to your friend. My sister just found out that after 24 years her husband has been having an affiar, they split up about five months ago because he was having ISSUES, and she asked him was he having an affair and he said no. we all thought that they were going to get back together but he announced last night that he was having an affair. All of the sordid details have not come out yet but I am sure they will soon.

I know if it was me I would need to know what was going on and then i could decide what to do for myself.. the flirting and hand touching should not even be happening.

TELL HER.

Mr. Presentable

If you feel you are sure: anonymous tip-off

Otherwise: schtum

jimmycrackcorm

Ickle Magoo wrote:

Can any of the folks who say there is no evidence to base suspicion on, maybe explain give me a few innocent scenarios of why this man & his wife's friend disapeared upstairs for 10mins? Any parties my husband & I have attended, disapearing upstairs with your spouse is not the done thing - let alone with someone else's spouse....so perhaps that is making me cynical?!

OP, how close a friend is the wife? Is she your best friend? Or just a woman in your circle of friends?

This is an example of the sort of attitude that led to the Guildford four being imprisoned. No smoke without fire and walkinglike a duck and all that. Just because You can't imagine any circumstances doesn't mean it is not possible. Could it be possible that they simple wanted to have a private discussion away from prying ears? If there was something going on wouldn't it be incredibly risky to happen within metres of your partner especially with so much at stake? Perhaps the seemingly over-appropriate arm touching makes the parties look guilty but in a totally innocent environment it might not mean anything albeit being something you might not do if sober.

Ickle Magoo

jimmycrackcorm wrote:

This is an example of the sort of attitude that led to the Guildford four being imprisoned. No smoke without fire and walkinglike a duck and all that. Just because You can't imagine any circumstances doesn't mean it is not possible. Could it be possible that they simple wanted to have a private discussion away from prying ears? If there was something going on wouldn't it be incredibly risky to happen within metres of your partner especially with so much at stake? Perhaps the seemingly over-appropriate arm touching makes the parties look guilty but in a totally innocent environment it might not mean anything albeit being something you might not do if sober.

Are you for real?!! Private discussion? then whisper....why go upstairs to get away from people? Why should someones husband and their wife's best friend need privacy to that extent? The OP asked for people's opinion, I gave mine - I'm not sure how old you are or what kind of parties you attend - or what you consider appropriate behaviour within a marriage/relationship - but I am married, as are the majority of our friends - and popping upstairs for 10mins with someone is just not the done thing....it's not like they can claim to be drunken teenagers at a party at someones parents house who sneaked upstairs to cop a feel & that's ok.....

If you have a differing opinion then there is nothing wrong with that - it doesn't mean you have to belittle mine or resort to using tenuous links....if your wife ever pops upstairs for 10mins to have a "chat" with your best friend - I hope no-one tells you & I hope you are so understanding when they say "But, Jimmy, we saw them go upstairs & we saw them pawing at each other - but we didn't have any proof, so we didn't tell you".....

Ultimately, it's up to the OP to read all posts & make up their own mind as to what to do...I assume if it was so black & white to the OP then they wouldn't have resorted to posting here - what you think of my suggestion is irrelevant

TheBlock

There couldn't be anything else going on but an affair.I'd tell your friend and advise her to throw him out....Only to find out that he was actually in the process of arranging a surprise Party/Holiday/event for her with the woman in question who happend to be able to give him a special deal/advice. Or maybe that this woman was having some issues with her personnal life and was looking for a males perspective on how to resolve same issues and didnt feel it appropriate to air these issues infront of how did you put it a not so close friend with whom chats were limited.

If you have a geniune concern confront him before you talk to anyone else.What can he do? Lie to you?

Lindaloo

I haven't seen him since that night so haven't had a chance to say anything, I'm going to see what way he is next time I see him and then if I think I need to say something to him, I will.

Thanks again all.

jimmycrackcorm

you for real?!!

No I'm a virtual bot - really.

Private discussion? then whisper....why go upstairs to get away from people?

somewhere quieter and not so noisy unless it was a dull party.

Why should someones husband and their wife's best friend need privacy to that extent?

Perhaps they are close enough friends to be comfortable without realizing what it might look like to suspicious minds.

The OP asked for people's opinion, I gave mine - I'm not sure how old you are or what kind of parties you attend - or what you consider appropriate behaviour within a marriage/relationship - but I am married, as are the majority of our friends - and popping upstairs for 10mins with someone is just not the done thing....it's not like they can claim to be drunken teenagers at a party at someones parents house who sneaked upstairs to cop a feel & that's ok.....

I'm not sure how old you are either but I'm married too and I'd think nothing of chating privately to one of my wifes best friends who is a very touchy feely person and happily hugs and greets with kisses etc. There is nothing more to it albeit I did think it was strange at the start but that's the way she is.

If you have a differing opinion then there is nothing wrong with that - it doesn't mean you have to belittle mine or resort to using tenuous links....if your wife ever pops upstairs for 10mins to have a "chat" with your best friend - I hope no-one tells you & I hope you are so understanding when they say "But, Jimmy, we saw them go upstairs & we saw them pawing at each other - but we didn't have any proof, so we didn't tell you".....

Fair enough but I would't jump to any conclusions unless I'm a hundred percent sure so I don't understand how you can be.

Ultimately, it's up to the OP to read all posts & make up their own mind as to what to do...I assume if it was so black & white to the OP then they wouldn't have resorted to posting here - what you think of my suggestion is irrelevant

It certainly is.

BeardyGit

Why do you all overcomplicate things for yourselves? Just because your friends are involved, doesn't mean you have any right to interfere. It's not intervening, it's interfering. If your suspicions bother you then you have one very simple course of action to deal with it switfly and discretely.

OP, tell him that someone else mentioned to you 'in passing' that his behaviour with this other woman doesn't appear all that innocent. Tell him you refuted the gossip but that you were unhappy that his behaviour put you in a position where someone would think he's not being the nice guy. Let him know you don't want to be in a position where you feel you're having to make excuses for him in any way - That it's up to him to make sure people don't get the wrong idea.

Look, he's either messing around and will carry on/cut it out - Whatever he decides to do with clear knowledge that his actions have been noted by others. Or else his dealings with this woman are completely innocent and he doesn't realise he's left himself open to mistaken observations from meddling gossips and he'll make sure nobody misinterprets his interaction with her in the future. If he's acting the maggot, you've done all you need do as a good friend to both of them to steer him in the right direction as far as fidelity in his relationship might be concerned. There's nothing else that anyone can expect and if it comes down to it, you can deny all knowledge that anything was going on or that you knew anything at all about it.

It should leave you with a clear conscience without ever having to deal with this again. If you really feel you must, tell him that this is the only time you'll steer him clear of obvious trouble and that next time you'll leave it you his partner to straighten it out. Of course, this should only be brought into play if you think he's not taking you very, very seriously. Hold off on it if you believe he's shocked and genuinely didn't realise that's what it all looked like. I guess you'll know best but make sure you don't appear confrontational - There's no reason to be. For all any of us know, you included, he's not doing anything wrong at all.

Job done.

Gil

Ickle Magoo

jimmycrackcorm wrote:

I'd think nothing of chating privately to one of my wifes best friends who is a very touchy feely person and happily hugs and greets with kisses etc.

Neither would I....I have tactile friends & I'd also think nothing of my husband having a private discussion with them.....but disappearing upstairs for 10mins upstairs at a party - that, to me, is odd....go to a different room, find a quiet corner, there always is one at every party....it just seems very odd behaviour to me....my question was just to ask if those who claimed the guy was innocent could present any reasonable argument as to what they were doing & why, as I thought I may be being rather cynical....but I can't get over that there really is no good reason to put yourself in the postion of people getting suspicious unless you are guilty of doing something - and I still haven't heard a reasonable suggestion as to why they would do that.....

But then that's just suspicious ole me

jimmycrackcorm

Ickle Magoo wrote:

Neither would I....I have tactile friends & I'd also think nothing of my husband having a private discussion with them.....but disappearing upstairs for 10mins upstairs at a party - that, to me, is odd....go to a different room, find a quiet corner, there always is one at every party....it just seems very odd behaviour to me....my question was just to ask if those who claimed the guy was innocent could present any reasonable argument as to what they were doing & why, as I thought I may be being rather cynical....but I can't get over that there really is no good reason to put yourself in the postion of people getting suspicious unless you are guilty of doing something - and I still haven't heard a reasonable suggestion as to why they would do that.....

But then that's just suspicious ole me

That's my point suspicious ole you. You ask why did they not go to another room - but they did - it just happened to be upstairs. I think it is a reasonable argument to say that most parties are loud and held downstairs - if you want to have a private conversation then logically where would you go? Unless this house was some sort of vast mansion I don't think there is such a thing as a quiet corner in your average house party.

If you can't think of any reasonable suggestion as to why they did what they did then it's your imagination that is the limiting factor here. Not everything is as it seems.

LegacyUser

If this guy was such a good friend wou could bring up the subject with them. Voice you concerns etc, you could be wrong, you could be right, either way, its not really any of your business.

The only reason I would suggest saying anything is so you can feel like you did something, and sleep better at night.