Random Facts about....Jack Bauer.

Vokes

Right, i originally posted this on the Forum Requests but Jack asked me (at gunpoint) to post it here - the 24 forum. Wider audience and all that

Chuck Norris is tough, but Jack Bauer is tougher. Walker Texas Ranger never had to deal with Terrorist and get things done in 24 hours….or did he? Anyway, Jack Bauer is tough, and he is the new man with the Random Facts. Let’s enjoy this new meme together shall we?

1.If you wake up in the morning, it’s because Jack Bauer spared your life.

2.Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.

3.If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he’d shoot Nina twice.

4.Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time. Wait, that is a real fact.

5.Jack Bauer got Hellen Keller to talk.

6.Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.

7.Jack Bauer’s favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.

8. 1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.

9.If Jack says “I just want to talk to him/her” and that him/her is you… well amigo, you’re ****ed.

10.Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.

11.Jack Bauer doesn’t miss. If he didn’t hit you it’s because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.

12.If you get 7 stars on your wanted level on Grand Theft Auto, Jack Bauer comes after you. You don’t want to get 7 stars.

13.When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.

14.Jack Bauer does not sleep. The only rest he needs is what he gets when he’s knocked out or temporarily killed.

15.If you are still conscious, it is because Jack Bauer doesn’t want to carry you.

16.Jack Bauer has no problem following orders, unless you tell him to do something he doesn’t want to.

17.Jack Bauer’s gun is actually a water pistol, but the water shoots out in the form of bullets. Why? Because the gun is being held by Jack ****ing Bauer.

18.Lets get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.

19.As a child, Jack Bauer’s first words were “There’s no time!”

20.While being ‘put under’ in the hospital, Jack Bauer can count backwards from 100 every time. This annoys the doctors.

21.Jack Bauer can watch all 4 seasons of 24 in 24 hours.

22.Jack Bauer literally died for his country, and lived to tell about it.

23.Jack Bauer’s family threw him a surprise birthday party when he was a child. Once.

24.Killing Jack Bauer doesn’t make him dead. It just makes him angry.

25.Everytime Jack Bauer yells “NOW!” at the end of a sentence, a terrorist dies.

26.If Jack’s starring at someone and his eye twitches, assume that person has less than 15 minutes to live.

27.When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer ****ing hates lemonade.

28.Guns dont kill people, Jack Bauer kills people.

29.David Spade always says ‘yes’ to Jack Bauer when he wants to redeem his credit card miles.

30.Don’t ask what Jack Bauer would do for a Klondike bar…

steveland?

Heh, yeh saw that on some site there last night...

Funny stuff, weird how the made up facts fad is spreading...

My favourite is If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he’d shoot Nina twice.

Rockerette

i think i nearly wet myself laughin at that.. and also nearly fell over...
possibly influenced buy thw fact im very drugged up on medication



thank you for brightening up my day!

"11.Jack Bauer doesn’t miss. If he didn’t hit you it’s because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away" - possibly my favourite....

spartacus93

Excellent stuff

I like this one

6.Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.

Sparky

reading them crack me up, LOL

these made me laugh loudly

9.If Jack says “I just want to talk to him/her” and that him/her is you… well amigo, you’re ****ed.

10.Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.

11.Jack Bauer doesn’t miss. If he didn’t hit you it’s because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.

28.Guns dont kill people, Jack Bauer kills people.

Repli

"Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Jack Bauer"

Sparky

Ok whos gonna come up with Kim Bauer funny facts

Vokes

Hehe, Kim Bauer facts should be good but in the meantime....

31. If you send someone to kill Jack Bauer, the only thing you've accomplished is supplying him a fresh set of weapons to kill you with.

32. In kindergarten, Jack Bauer killed a terrorist for Show and Tell.

33. You walk into a bar and Jack Bauer's your wingman, you're probably gonna get laid.

34. When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.

35. Jack Bauer can get McDonald's breakfast after 10:30.

36. Every time you masturbate Jack Bauer kills a terrorist. Not because you masturbated, but because that is how often he kills terrorists.

37. Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

Sparky

really good this, especially no 37.

Steve_o

lol!! Nice Stuff!!

Mossy Monk

brilliant, just brilliant

13.When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.

Sparky

Ive stickied this because its so funny

sharkman

- You can lead a horse to water. Jack Bauer can make him drink.

- If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.

- If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life.

- Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.

- Every time you masturbate Jack Bauer kills a terrorist. Not because you masturbated, but because that is how often he kills terrorists.

- Osama bin Laden's recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him finding out that Jack Bauer is, in fact, still alive.

- Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.

- Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.

- 1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.

- Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days. Wait, that is a real fact.

- Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.

- Jack Bauer let the dogs out.

- Superman wears Jack Bauer pyjamas.

- Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.

- If Jack and MacGyver were locked in a room together, Jack would make a bomb out of MacGyver and get out.

- Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

- Lets get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.

- Jack Bauer got Hellen Keller to talk.

- When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer ****ing hates lemonade.

- When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.

- Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.

- The quickest way to a man's heart is through Jack Bauer's gun.

- Jack Bauer can get McDonald's breakfast after 10:30.

- Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in Middle Eastern men.

- People with amnesia still remember Jack Bauer.

- It would only take 1 bullet for Jack Bauer to kill 50 Cent.

- Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.

- Jack Bauer has been to Mars. That's why theres no life on Mars.

- When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer

- Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says because if Jack Bauer says something then you better ****ing do it.

Rockerette

ooh slight variation on the sticky thread...

Sparky

Sticky on top of thread

sharkman

OOpss , me no read stickie !!!!:o

Demetrius

Funny stuff Sharkman!:D

Sparky

Threads merged

Mossy Monk

- People with amnesia still remember Jack Bauer.

lmao

Rockerette

Jack Bauer can unscramble an egg

Sparky

Jack Bauer can turn water into wine

Brando_ie

Jack Bauer ordered a Big Mac in Burger King...... and got it


(okay... kinda direct ripoff of Stekelly's Sig, but with the mighty Chuck Norris being replaced with the awesome Jack.... but hey, Chuck is soooo er..... the 80's)

Sparky

Bullets actually dodge Jack, whereas with chuck its a myth.

Sparky

when jack cares about you, its because you gave him a second chance.

When jack says he will bring you to hospital, he means he will put a bullet in your head.

Vokes

Sparky-s wrote:

When jack says he will bring you to hospital, he means he will put a bullet in your head.

LOL! How true

Rockerette

Jack Bauer doesn't have sperm; he ejaculates babies.

Jack Bauers calender goes from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Jack Bauer.

When Kim Bauer lost her virginity, Jack Bauer found it and put it back.


Jack Bauer removed the "Escape" button from his keyboard. Jack Bauer never needs to escape.

If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Jack Bauer says its beef. Then it's ****ing beef.

When Jack Bauer was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables.

When Google can't find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help

Finding Nemo would have been vastly more exciting had Jack Bauer been looking for him.

Jesus died and rose from the dead in 3 days. It took Jack Bauer less than an hour. And he's done it twice.

At age 7, Jack Bauer grew tired of urinating. After several hours of torture, Jack's bladder decided that it would be best to never be heard from again.

Edgar Stiles had sex with seven different women last night by simply invoking Jack Bauer's name.

In a tempestuous duel of the fates, Chuck Norris tried to roundhouse kick Jack Bauer. Jack dodged the kick and shot him however the bullet was deflected by Chuck Norris' beard. The standoff continues to this day

Mossy Monk

Rockerette wrote:

Jack Bauer doesn't have sperm; he ejaculates babies.

Jack Bauer removed the "Escape" button from his keyboard. Jack Bauer never needs to escape.

When Jack Bauer was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables.

Finding Nemo would have been vastly more exciting had Jack Bauer been looking for him.

brilliant

Rockerette wrote:

Jack Bauers calender goes from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Jack Bauer

shouldnt that be 2nd of April to 31st of March

Sparky

Rockerette wrote:

When Kim Bauer lost her virginity, Jack Bauer found it and put it back.

Then sparky-s took it again

Rockerette

careful now

maireadrua

I'm sure there's a random quote generator of JB facts out there...

Here! http://www.notrly.com/jackbauer/

Favourites being:

The moon's orbit is due to the gravitational pull of Jack Bauer's balls

Jack Bauer could get off the Lost island in 24 hours.

Jack Bauer has no friends, because as a child when he would play cops and robbers, the robbers would all be interrogated and killed.

There were originally five horsemen of the apocalypse. Jack Bauer said he would travel by foot.

Jack Bauer's cell phone never runs out of battery because the cell phone doesn’t want to be mistaken for helping the terrorist.

Taco Bell used to close at midnight, until Jack Bauer decided he wanted to have burritos at 2 am.

When Jack Bauer goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

Jack Bauer doesn't follow protocol. Protocol follows Jack Bauer.

Jack Bauer wears aviator sunglasses as a courtesy to the Sun so it doesn't have to look into his eyes.

Jack Bauer has been to Mars. That’s why there's no life on Mars.

On Jack Bauer’s Tax Returns, he has to claim the entire world as his dependants.

If you ever tried to tell Jack Bauer to go to hell, the Devil would silence you before you finished the sentence.

Jack and Jill went up the hill. Only Jack came down. Jill was a terrorist.

Jack Bauer's poker face is so good he once won a game of poker with monopoly money, an eight card from uno, a joker, a visa card, a tissue, and an iPod nano.

Scientists recently uncovered the real reason dinosaurs are extinct: Jack Bauer received an anonymous tip that dinosaurs are terrorists.

Jack and Nina actually had a kid. A book was written about him called 'Revelations'

Jack Bauer got Helen Keller to talk.

Jack Bauer knows where the Lost City of Atlantis is because he sunk it.

Sparky

very good, great link

Rambo: First Blood Part II is actually footage of Jack Bauer's 2nd grade field trip

Zaph

maireadrua wrote:

Jack and Jill went up the hill. Only Jack came down. Jill was a terrorist.

Pure genius!

Dick-Puller

SofaKing wrote:

Right, i originally posted this on the Forum Requests but Jack asked me (at gunpoint) to post it here - the 24 forum. Wider audience and all that

have to i liked no. 26 the best

Sparky

My god what a boards nick to choose

lifegamer

sharkman wrote:

- Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says because if Jack Bauer says something then you better ****ing do it.

i like it... top notch

Sparky

Apple now use intel. Why? Because Jack said so.

manti452

http://www.jackbauerfacts.com/top_twenty_four/

Alot of these are possibly repeats but figured what the hell, I saw a few I hadn't seen before..

Jack Bauer could get off the Lost island in 24 hours.

Nostradamus once predicted in his journal: "In the century 21st, the one known as Jacques will be the savior of the world... five seasons in a row." Moments later, Jack Bauer knocked down the door, shot Nostradamus in the kneecaps, and yelled "WHO ARE YOU WORKING FOR?!"

After running out of ammo, Jack stood in the line of fire, took 3 shots to the chest, and used them to reload.

Jack Bauer doesn't cut his grass, he stares at it and dares it to grow.

cooperguy

Most of them, are just Chuck Norris facts with Jack Bauer's name

Sparky

cooperguy wrote:

Most of them, are just Chuck Norris facts with Jack Bauer's name

Let the Jack vs Chuck war begin, I say.

Chevano Riley

"Jack Bauer once took 25 hours to dismantle a terrorist plot. That day has since been referred to as Daylight Savings Time."

"Jack Bauer set an ordinary flash memory card to self-destruct. Don't ask how he did it, he's ****ing Jack Bauer."

the_syco

&#1072 wrote: »

Jack Bauer is a bummer.

Total bummer, dude!

Sparky

Get out.

Rockerette

Jack Bauer was able to eliminate Bird Flu playing Duck Hunt.


Jack Bauer doesn't need to eat, sleep, or use the bathroom because his organs are afraid of making him angry.


If Rosa Parks was in Jack Bauer's seat, she'd move to the back of the bus


Jack Bauer could strangle you with a cordless phone.



Jack Bauer wasn't born, he was unleashed.



Jack Bauer doesn't take fingerprints, he takes fingers.


Jack Bauer doesn't speak any foreign languages, but he can make any foreigner speak English in a matter of minutes.




When Google can't find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help.



Kim Bauer was an accident. Not even the pill can stop Jack Bauer.



Jack Bauer once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.



In high school Jack Bauer was voted "Most Likely to Kill the Foreign Kid"... and "Best Eyes."






and just for all you men out there:
Your attraction to Jack Bauer in no way affects your sexual orientation.


:rolleyes:

Sparky

Jack Bauer once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

Excellent LMAO.

_Kaiser_

The city of Los Angeles once named a street after Jack Bauer in gratitude for his saving the city several times. They had to rename it after people kept dying when they tried to cross the street. No one crosses Jack Bauer and lives.



A few more favorites...

When Jack Bauer goes to the airport and the metal detector doesn't go off, security gives him a gun.

When someone asks him how his day is going, Jack replies, "Previously, on 24..."

Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.

When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.

If Jack Bauer's gun jams, it's because he wanted to beat you with it.

Chakar

Jack Bauer would definitely be a excellent dictator seeing these posts with the Jack Bauer perpretated as the Superman, think Mussolini who used propaganga and advertised himself as a great omnipotent man.Anyway I know you're all having a laugh.

Odaise Gaelach

Jack Bauer is like Ford Prefect. He always knows where his towel is.

DoesNotCompute

It would only take 1 bullet for Jack Bauer to kill 50 Cent.

ROTFLMAO!!! Pure genius!

Sparky

More added from another site.

* Jack Bauer has shot more men in the face than Elton John.

* It should be noted that Chuck Norris is a small wilting flower in the shadow of Jack Bauer, because Chuck Norris sucks.

* Jack Bauer is actually Jesus Christ, sent here to do good in the world by saving us from CBS's crappy winter line-up. Thank you, Jack Bauer.

* Jack Bauer had a pet cat named Simon. There was no irony involved.

* Jack Bauer once double teamed a girl. By himself.

* Jack Bauer won the Indianapolis 500 in a rickshaw pulled by Chuck Norris.

* Stalin once said: "The death of one is a tragedy. The death of millions is Jack Bauer having a bad day."

* Every mathematical inequality officially ends with " < Jack Bauer".

* When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer ****ing hates lemons.

* Jack Bauer doesn't need to use the toilet because he beats enough **** out of other people!

* Once Superman and Jack Bauer had a bet over "who is the bravest man alive on Earth?". Since that day, Superman wears his underpants over his pants.

* It is commonly assumed that Jack Bauer performs all his bodily functions off-camera. Actually, Jack Bauer modified his bodily functions shortly before the start of season 2 - he sweats urine and bleeds feces, which accounts for 75% of his screen time. He is one nasty mofo.

* Jack Bauer killed Dumbledore

* **** Bob Marley. Jack Bauer shot the sheriff.

* Jack Bauer never worked for CTU. CTU worked for him.

* Jack Bauer helped U2 find what they were looking for.

* If Rosa Parks was in Jack Bauer's seat, she'd move to the back of the bus.

* If Jack Bauer was Irish, England would be called Bauerland.

* It would only take 1 bullet for Jack Bauer to kill 50 Cent.

* Every time you masturbate Jack Bauer kills a terrorist. Not because you masturbated, but because that is how often he kills terrorists.

* Jack Bauer can win at chess after being checkmated.

* Jack Bauer once ate his own face just to show how truly awesome he is.

* On the black market, Jack Bauer's seed goes for $36,623,000,000 (or 980,000,000 chickens) per liter.

* They originally planned to have Jack Bauer in a sex scenes with Teri Bauer, but the producers had to cut it because it took all 24 hours.

* After receiving repeated roundhouse kicks to the head from Chuck Norris, Jack Bauer was heard to ask,"Can you go a bit lower? I was crammed in an air conditioning duct between 7:00 a.m. and 8:00 a.m. And my back is killing me."

* Jack Bauer once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.

* Jack Bauer's enemies are called "terrorists" because they are terrified of Jack Bauer.

* Jack Bauer starts on world 8-4 when he plays Super Mario Bros. When Bowser sees Jack Bauer coming he jumps off the bridge, preferring lava instead of fighting Jack.

* Jack Bauer's family threw him a surprise birthday party when he was a child. Once.

* Jack Bauer taught Helen Keller to read and write.

* When Jack Bauer farts, time stops.

* Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

* Ancient peoples sacrificed virgins to Jack Bauer in anticipation of his birth

* You can lead a horse to water. Jack Bauer can make him drink.

* Jack Bauer's calendar goes from March 31st to April 2nd, because Jack Bauer is nobody's fool

* Every time you blink Jack Bauer kills a terrorist, not because you blinked, but because that how many terrorists he kills.

* Jack Bauer is the sole editor of every article on Wikipedia.

* Chuck Norris originally made anyone handicapped who parked in a handicapped spot. Jack Bauer came along and killed Chuck Norris and will kill anyone who parks in a handicapped spot.

* Superman's only weakness is Kryptonite. Jack Bauer laughs at Superman for having a weakness.

* Jack Bauer doesn't use his x-ray vision because he doesn't need it.

* The only reason Chuck Norris is alive is because Jack Bauer needs someone to make fun of because GOD got boring to make fun of.

* MC Hammer was wrong. Jack CAN touch this.

* Jack Bauer doesn't celebrate holidays, holidays celebrate Jack Bauer.

* When Google can't find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help.

* Jack Bauer would win the World Series of Poker because nobody bluffs Jack Bauer.

* A Jack Bauer action figure is more intimidating than most weapons.

* Jack Bauer's gun is actually a water pistol, but the water shoots out in the form of bullets. Why? Because the gun is being held by Jack ****ing Bauer.

* Jack Bauer has killed prisoners, tortured suspects, and used less than civil tactics all in the name of national security. Yet he has never been punished; for it would take an Armageddon to punish Jack Bauer. Of course Armageddon never happens because there's no time for the End of Time.

* In 2424 a Jack Bauer Video Game will come out for Playstation 24. Only Jack Bauer will play it, cause only he can go trough 240 stages and take 2400 enemies playing 24 hours straight (that's the only way to win in the game).

* Jack Bauer DOES just walk into Mordor

* Jack Bauer figured out Unified Field Theory, when he eliminated time as a factor because THERE IS NO TIME.

* The answer is 42, because the question is 'how many terrorists has Jack Bauer killed while you were reading this fact?'

* Stone Cold didn't say so - Jack Bauer did.

* Jack Bauer could tell you what this fact is, but then he would have to kill you.

* Criminals have nightmares about Keyser Soze. Keyser has nightmares about Jack Bauer.

* They tried to make Jack Bauer go to rehab - he say no, no, no. You don't want to know what else he did.

* Jack Bauer takes place in real time.

* Jack Bauer knows what Willis is talkin' 'bout.

* Jack Bauer is the angel of death. In the Middle East, dying is known as "getting a visit from Jack Bauer".