Advertisement
If you have a new account but are having problems posting or verifying your account, please email us on hello@boards.ie for help. Thanks :)
Hello all! Please ensure that you are posting a new thread or question in the appropriate forum. The Feedback forum is overwhelmed with questions that are having to be moved elsewhere. If you need help to verify your account contact hello@boards.ie
Help Keep Boards Alive. Support us by going ad free today. See here: https://subscriptions.boards.ie/.
If we do not hit our goal we will be forced to close the site.

Current status: https://keepboardsalive.com/

Annual subs are best for most impact. If you are still undecided on going Ad Free - you can also donate using the Paypal Donate option. All contribution helps. Thank you.
https://www.boards.ie/group/1878-subscribers-forum

Private Group for paid up members of Boards.ie. Join the club.

Random Facts about....Jack Bauer.

  • 24-01-2006 10:00PM
    #1
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,836 ✭✭✭


    Right, i originally posted this on the Forum Requests but Jack asked me (at gunpoint) to post it here - the 24 forum. Wider audience and all that :)
    Chuck Norris is tough, but Jack Bauer is tougher. Walker Texas Ranger never had to deal with Terrorist and get things done in 24 hours….or did he? Anyway, Jack Bauer is tough, and he is the new man with the Random Facts. Let’s enjoy this new meme together shall we?

    1.If you wake up in the morning, it’s because Jack Bauer spared your life.

    2.Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.

    3.If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he’d shoot Nina twice.

    4.Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time. Wait, that is a real fact.

    5.Jack Bauer got Hellen Keller to talk.

    6.Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.

    7.Jack Bauer’s favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.

    8. 1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.

    9.If Jack says “I just want to talk to him/her” and that him/her is you… well amigo, you’re ****ed.

    10.Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.

    11.Jack Bauer doesn’t miss. If he didn’t hit you it’s because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.

    12.If you get 7 stars on your wanted level on Grand Theft Auto, Jack Bauer comes after you. You don’t want to get 7 stars.

    13.When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.

    14.Jack Bauer does not sleep. The only rest he needs is what he gets when he’s knocked out or temporarily killed.

    15.If you are still conscious, it is because Jack Bauer doesn’t want to carry you.

    16.Jack Bauer has no problem following orders, unless you tell him to do something he doesn’t want to.

    17.Jack Bauer’s gun is actually a water pistol, but the water shoots out in the form of bullets. Why? Because the gun is being held by Jack ****ing Bauer.

    18.Lets get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.

    19.As a child, Jack Bauer’s first words were “There’s no time!”

    20.While being ‘put under’ in the hospital, Jack Bauer can count backwards from 100 every time. This annoys the doctors.

    21.Jack Bauer can watch all 4 seasons of 24 in 24 hours.

    22.Jack Bauer literally died for his country, and lived to tell about it.

    23.Jack Bauer’s family threw him a surprise birthday party when he was a child. Once.

    24.Killing Jack Bauer doesn’t make him dead. It just makes him angry.

    25.Everytime Jack Bauer yells “NOW!” at the end of a sentence, a terrorist dies.

    26.If Jack’s starring at someone and his eye twitches, assume that person has less than 15 minutes to live.

    27.When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer ****ing hates lemonade.

    28.Guns dont kill people, Jack Bauer kills people.

    29.David Spade always says ‘yes’ to Jack Bauer when he wants to redeem his credit card miles.

    30.Don’t ask what Jack Bauer would do for a Klondike bar…


«1

Comments

  • Closed Accounts Posts: 4,842 ✭✭✭steveland?


    Heh, yeh saw that on some site there last night...

    Funny stuff, weird how the made up facts fad is spreading...

    My favourite is If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he’d shoot Nina twice.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 887 ✭✭✭Rockerette


    i think i nearly wet myself laughin at that.. and also nearly fell over...
    possibly influenced buy thw fact im very drugged up on medication :D



    thank you for brightening up my day! :D

    "11.Jack Bauer doesn’t miss. If he didn’t hit you it’s because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away" - possibly my favourite....


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,452 ✭✭✭spartacus93


    Excellent stuff

    I like this one

    6.Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 22,227 ✭✭✭✭Sparky


    reading them crack me up, LOL

    these made me laugh loudly :D
    9.If Jack says “I just want to talk to him/her” and that him/her is you… well amigo, you’re ****ed.

    10.Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.

    11.Jack Bauer doesn’t miss. If he didn’t hit you it’s because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.

    28.Guns dont kill people, Jack Bauer kills people.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 3,322 ✭✭✭Repli


    "Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Jack Bauer"


  • Advertisement
  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 22,227 ✭✭✭✭Sparky


    Ok whos gonna come up with Kim Bauer funny facts


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,836 ✭✭✭Vokes


    Hehe, Kim Bauer facts should be good but in the meantime....
    31. If you send someone to kill Jack Bauer, the only thing you've accomplished is supplying him a fresh set of weapons to kill you with.

    32. In kindergarten, Jack Bauer killed a terrorist for Show and Tell.

    33. You walk into a bar and Jack Bauer's your wingman, you're probably gonna get laid.

    34. When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.

    35. Jack Bauer can get McDonald's breakfast after 10:30.

    36. Every time you masturbate Jack Bauer kills a terrorist. Not because you masturbated, but because that is how often he kills terrorists.

    37. Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
    :D


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 22,227 ✭✭✭✭Sparky


    really good this, especially no 37.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,432 ✭✭✭Steve_o


    lol!! Nice Stuff!!


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 28,128 ✭✭✭✭Mossy Monk


    brilliant, just brilliant
    13.When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.
    :D


  • Advertisement
  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 22,227 ✭✭✭✭Sparky


    Ive stickied this because its so funny :D


  • Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 6,529 Mod ✭✭✭✭sharkman


    - You can lead a horse to water. Jack Bauer can make him drink.

    - If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.

    - If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life.

    - Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.

    - Every time you masturbate Jack Bauer kills a terrorist. Not because you masturbated, but because that is how often he kills terrorists.

    - Osama bin Laden's recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him finding out that Jack Bauer is, in fact, still alive.

    - Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.

    - Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.

    - 1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.

    - Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days. Wait, that is a real fact.

    - Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.

    - Jack Bauer let the dogs out.

    - Superman wears Jack Bauer pyjamas.

    - Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.

    - If Jack and MacGyver were locked in a room together, Jack would make a bomb out of MacGyver and get out.

    - Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

    - Lets get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.

    - Jack Bauer got Hellen Keller to talk.

    - When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer ****ing hates lemonade.

    - When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.

    - Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.

    - The quickest way to a man's heart is through Jack Bauer's gun.

    - Jack Bauer can get McDonald's breakfast after 10:30.

    - Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in Middle Eastern men.

    - People with amnesia still remember Jack Bauer.

    - It would only take 1 bullet for Jack Bauer to kill 50 Cent.

    - Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.

    - Jack Bauer has been to Mars. That's why theres no life on Mars.

    - When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer

    - Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says because if Jack Bauer says something then you better ****ing do it.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 887 ✭✭✭Rockerette


    ooh slight variation on the sticky thread...


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 22,227 ✭✭✭✭Sparky


    Sticky on top of thread ;)


  • Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 6,529 Mod ✭✭✭✭sharkman


    OOpss , me no read stickie !!!!:o


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,553 ✭✭✭Demetrius


    Funny stuff Sharkman!:D


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 22,227 ✭✭✭✭Sparky


    Threads merged ;)


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 28,128 ✭✭✭✭Mossy Monk


    - People with amnesia still remember Jack Bauer.

    lmao


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 887 ✭✭✭Rockerette


    Jack Bauer can unscramble an egg


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 22,227 ✭✭✭✭Sparky


    Jack Bauer can turn water into wine


  • Advertisement
  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 425 ✭✭Brando_ie


    Jack Bauer ordered a Big Mac in Burger King...... and got it


    (okay... kinda direct ripoff of Stekelly's Sig, but with the mighty Chuck Norris being replaced with the awesome Jack.... but hey, Chuck is soooo er..... the 80's) :)


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 22,227 ✭✭✭✭Sparky


    Bullets actually dodge Jack, whereas with chuck its a myth.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 22,227 ✭✭✭✭Sparky


    when jack cares about you, its because you gave him a second chance.

    When jack says he will bring you to hospital, he means he will put a bullet in your head.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,836 ✭✭✭Vokes


    Sparky-s wrote:
    When jack says he will bring you to hospital, he means he will put a bullet in your head.
    LOL! How true :p


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 887 ✭✭✭Rockerette


    Jack Bauer doesn't have sperm; he ejaculates babies.

    Jack Bauers calender goes from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Jack Bauer.

    When Kim Bauer lost her virginity, Jack Bauer found it and put it back.


    Jack Bauer removed the "Escape" button from his keyboard. Jack Bauer never needs to escape.

    If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Jack Bauer says its beef. Then it's ****ing beef.

    When Jack Bauer was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables.

    When Google can't find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help

    Finding Nemo would have been vastly more exciting had Jack Bauer been looking for him.

    Jesus died and rose from the dead in 3 days. It took Jack Bauer less than an hour. And he's done it twice.

    At age 7, Jack Bauer grew tired of urinating. After several hours of torture, Jack's bladder decided that it would be best to never be heard from again.

    Edgar Stiles had sex with seven different women last night by simply invoking Jack Bauer's name.

    In a tempestuous duel of the fates, Chuck Norris tried to roundhouse kick Jack Bauer. Jack dodged the kick and shot him however the bullet was deflected by Chuck Norris' beard. The standoff continues to this day


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 28,128 ✭✭✭✭Mossy Monk


    Rockerette wrote:
    Jack Bauer doesn't have sperm; he ejaculates babies.

    Jack Bauer removed the "Escape" button from his keyboard. Jack Bauer never needs to escape.

    When Jack Bauer was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables.

    Finding Nemo would have been vastly more exciting had Jack Bauer been looking for him.

    brilliant


    Rockerette wrote:
    Jack Bauers calender goes from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Jack Bauer

    shouldnt that be 2nd of April to 31st of March


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 22,227 ✭✭✭✭Sparky


    Rockerette wrote:
    When Kim Bauer lost her virginity, Jack Bauer found it and put it back.

    Then sparky-s took it again ;)


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 887 ✭✭✭Rockerette


    careful now ;)


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 20 maireadrua


    I'm sure there's a random quote generator of JB facts out there...

    Here! http://www.notrly.com/jackbauer/

    Favourites being:

    The moon's orbit is due to the gravitational pull of Jack Bauer's balls

    Jack Bauer could get off the Lost island in 24 hours.

    Jack Bauer has no friends, because as a child when he would play cops and robbers, the robbers would all be interrogated and killed.

    There were originally five horsemen of the apocalypse. Jack Bauer said he would travel by foot.

    Jack Bauer's cell phone never runs out of battery because the cell phone doesn’t want to be mistaken for helping the terrorist.

    Taco Bell used to close at midnight, until Jack Bauer decided he wanted to have burritos at 2 am.

    When Jack Bauer goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

    Jack Bauer doesn't follow protocol. Protocol follows Jack Bauer.

    Jack Bauer wears aviator sunglasses as a courtesy to the Sun so it doesn't have to look into his eyes.

    Jack Bauer has been to Mars. That’s why there's no life on Mars.

    On Jack Bauer’s Tax Returns, he has to claim the entire world as his dependants.

    If you ever tried to tell Jack Bauer to go to hell, the Devil would silence you before you finished the sentence.

    Jack and Jill went up the hill. Only Jack came down. Jill was a terrorist.

    Jack Bauer's poker face is so good he once won a game of poker with monopoly money, an eight card from uno, a joker, a visa card, a tissue, and an iPod nano.

    Scientists recently uncovered the real reason dinosaurs are extinct: Jack Bauer received an anonymous tip that dinosaurs are terrorists.

    Jack and Nina actually had a kid. A book was written about him called 'Revelations'

    Jack Bauer got Helen Keller to talk.

    Jack Bauer knows where the Lost City of Atlantis is because he sunk it.


  • Advertisement
  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 22,227 ✭✭✭✭Sparky


    very good, :D great link

    Rambo: First Blood Part II is actually footage of Jack Bauer's 2nd grade field trip


Advertisement