Stuck in a Moment....

zag

Confused, are you still getting all this? Good.

Well I think it's simple, whatever about the rants on this board.

You may well be gay/bi-sexual. You need to come to terms with that. Counsellor may help.

Regardless of what others say, you are accountable for your own behaviour. You did not have to be in the pub, and you did not have to go home with him. There is no question of blame on him because you keep going back for more.

Mighty_Mouse

If your not gay, then why 4 times!!!! You cant blame it on drink after the first time surely?If you didnt want it surely you wouldnt walk home with him and pay for a taxi?

I think the GLF would be a better place to help you deal with coming out etc

Typedef

Maybe he's just experimenting at some subliminal level.

Maybe he'll find out he likes women 'and' men.

I don't see how it's any different him being with a man who uses him for sex and then blanks him or a woman who does the same thing.

Why exactly the mere mention of anything non-hetero should be stuffed away in the gay corner out of ... err the way of sensitive interweb trolls who, mightn't be able to handle the lurid connotations of bisexuality, where apparently Fine "were all right wing" Gael supports educating school children about homosexuality, I don't know.

LegacyUser

Sorry for not replying sooner, but I have been thinking about all your various replies (which I thank ye all for posting).

First off, of course this guy is not abusing me. I never suggested rape/abuse. I merely suggested that he was using me! But on reflection and taking into account everyones opinion I see that drink was the cause, i was certainly using it as a crutch.

Perhaps I don't need to put myself into this situation by going drinking with him, but i live in a small town, where most of my school friends have all parted from. this man is one of the few people I have to go out with (and no I'm not sying I'm some pathetic loner).

Its simply a case of me being confused and wanting it becuase I'm drunk each time. hence the repeated incidents. i know I wouldn't do it when sober, why? I guess its due to my upbringing and society itself.

i am now agreeing to take ixoy and Beruthiel suggestions on board, and allow this be posted under the GLB forum for further opinions.

Perhaps I'm bisexual... i know I'm not fully gay, as I have regularly been with women, although I've never had intercourse. Yes, I'm still virgin.

Thanks again.
Confused

Beruthiel

I'll move it over now Confused
best of luck
a

ixoy

Originally posted by Confused
Perhaps I don't need to put myself into this situation by going drinking with him, but i live in a small town, where most of my school friends have all parted from. this man is one of the few people I have to go out with (and no I'm not sying I'm some pathetic loner).

Well that's an interesting point. You say there's a limited circle of potential drinking partners and that appears to be true but is there maybe a little bit of you using this as yet another excuse for seeking this man out? "I'd not be with him if you could but, well, I have to make do", could be crossing your mind.

Its simply a case of me being confused and wanting it becuase I'm drunk each time. hence the repeated incidents. i know I wouldn't do it when sober, why? I guess its due to my upbringing and society itself.

And the last sentence is, to my mind, your most important realisation yet It's understand that society is, to a terrible level, about conformity. There's a notion in many people's head about what a gay person is, what a straight person is, and so forth. Within that there's often a degree of bias against people who don't fit the 100% hetro or 100% homo normals. There's a sense you have to be one or the other. You don't. You can find a degree between the two if you want, if it makes you happy. Noone has the right to dictate to you about how you express your sexuality when it's doing no harm to others. More importantly you shouldn't feel the need to limit yourself either.

Perhaps I'm bisexual... i know I'm not fully gay, as I have regularly been with women, although I've never had intercourse. Yes, I'm still virgin.

Maybe you're bisexual, maybe you're not. There's certainly no need to slap labels onto yourself yet, when you're not sure. There's no need really ever to have to force a label - that's merely a means to try and let other people understand you.

What you should now really try and concentrate on is breaking it down into simple terms, asking yourself simple questions and being very honest with yourself: Have you ever looked at a guy - sober - and found him attractive or cute? Have you thought about kissing a guy or, if you think about it now, how does it make you feel? Can you recall how you felt, emotionally, when you were with this man and what does the thought of being with him, or another, again make you feel like?

The answers aren't obvious and you can't expect to get them over night. I think you should start looking at them and see where it takes you.

dub45

Confused,

Lots of guys have a very difficult time in dealing with gay feelings not only when they first arise but ongoing. Dont think you are alone in this by any means but I know that at the same time that does not make it any easier. Also remember that who we sleep with or kiss or whatever does not define our sexuality. And most important we don't choose our sexuality we discover and its how we deal with that that is the most important thing.

ixoy has said above

The answers aren't obvious and you can't expect to get them over night. I think you should start looking at them and see where it takes you.

There is no easy answer now its up to you to explore yourself and whats inside you. it is important to try and deal with the guilt you feel and find out where its coming from - guilt can be very destructive. Often guys with homsexual feelings are very homophobic even to themselves - see if thats inside you too and ask yourself why? In dealing with any such feeling the first and most important person we have to come out to is ourselves. Self acceptance and self 'love' is very important in leading an emotionally healthy life.

You have begun a journey in posting here...............continuing it is up to you now but there is lots of support our there for you as you travel.

Boston

I’m going to go out on a limb here and argue the point that you’re not gay.

Right first off you’re obviously not that shag anything with a pulse type, given your age and the fact that you’re a virgin. That something I can respect and relate to, meaninglessly screwing around can be fun but it’s ultimately soul destroying and emotionally draining. You’re in a small town with limit social outlets to you. Probably a relatively small female population (i.e. they all know each other to a degree), even less that are actually worth getting involved with.
Now here’s a guy, by your own admission you can relate to, socialise with and get on pretty well with. I presume you’re comfortable around the guy, simply because you’re willing to get drunk with him, personally speaking that’s something I only do in a safe and comfortable environment, i.e. not around a sexual predictor. In turn this guy likes and is attracted to you, and clearly wants to be intimate with you. This type of attention is always flattering no matter what direction it comes from, and is abite of an ego boost. Sometimes you can’t help but think, god it would be so much feicing easier if you where gay. Here is this attractive guy and he’s also attracted to you. So out of desperation for some form of meaningful relationship with the anyone, you allow yourself to succumb and become something your not. And that’s where the temptation lies. If he was a girl, I don’t think this would be an issue, you wouldn’t be questioning your motives at all, and there would be no problem. Maybe it’s those same things that have kept you going back to the guy. Intimacy is about more then sex, it’s about companionship and trust, are you sure that’s not what you’re looking for in him.

LegacyUser

Thanks again for all the replies.

Boston, i think your input into this has been a very valid one.
It sums up exactly whats going on, I'm simply with this guy for nothing else other that the sheer comfort of being with somebody. I don't know if you'd call it a relationship, but we are "involved".

Its true to say that if this was a girl there wouldn't be a problem, but becuase it a member of the opposite sex i'm left baffled, confused, unable to sort things out in my head.

You really think, Boston, that I'm not gay? What then?

What would you do if your were in my situation? would you avoid this guy? Which is what I've done for the last few weeks. He must really be wondering whats up. But before I even try talk to him about it, I need to sort it out for myself.

Rock Climber

General rule of thumb.
never avoid anyone if ye both enjoy being with each other-the company like.
It's shouldn't matter what age they are or if they are a girl or boy.

If something romantic flows out of it and it's mutual then thats the time to decide whether you want to be truly happy or go pander to what some people in their ignorance think is wrong and consequently to please them and not yourself, you go the unhappy route.

Stick with what makes you happy and ask yourself the question is your guilt only out of fear of what straight society thinks and expects of you...
If it is and usually it is, I'd suggest you try to learn to ignore that and consider your self for a change

Boston

Well Personally I think everyone wants someone. Everybody what’s that, maybe not in a “you’re my soul partner, I love you way” but hell no one wants to be alone. Undercurrents of loneliness seem to run through your posts, maybe I picked up on that because I know what that feels like.

I don’t subscribe to a rigid definition of sexuality, nor do I believe one sexual encounter (i.e. one person) should define sexuality. I know plenty of gay guys that would classify themselves as being gay (not bi) who have had more experience with women then me. While you’re not the poster boy for red blooded hetro males, you’re hardly that for gays either.

Its true to say that if this was a girl there wouldn't be a problem, but becuase it a member of the opposite sex I’m left baffled, confused, unable to sort things out in my head.

Point I was making is that maybe its less that you’re attracted to him and maybe more what he represents, (security, comfort, easy access… ect) if that makes sense to you. You don’t have sufficient women around you to provide those things so you look else where.

As for you being gay, only you can define that, I can’t tell you one way or another. I’ve four close gay friends, basically nearly all my close friends just turned out to be gay. As for as I’m concerned though only one of them is actually gay, or experienced, removed and level headed enough to make an accurate assessment of that of what without letting morality or peer pressure influence him. First step is to be honest with yourself. Do you actually think you’re not gay or do you wish and hope that you’re not?

My advice would to be voice a lot of this with him, sober. Have it out with the guy in a non aggressive way, don’t accuse him of taken advantage, and don’t try to blame him. Fact is that he may be your best hope for figuring this out. Once you know you know, and that’s got to be a lot better then confusion and head games.