One-Liner Jokes

minikin

Sales of irons have decreased.
copyright minikinoneliners inc. 2019

MonkieSocks

"There's been a fire at Tesco"

"Has there?"

"No, Tesco"

Sheridan81

I pulled a sickie from work the other day and they demoted me for it. So that's me done looking after coma victims at the hospital.

MonkieSocks

At a recent job interview I was asked if I could perform under pressure.

I said "No, but I can do a pretty good Bohemian Rhapsody".

MonkieSocks

I went to Irish Rail's Christmas Ball this week.


Everyone was wearing platforms.

MonkieSocks

I took my mother-in-law out yesterday morning.
-
Being a sniper is awesome.

MonkieSocks

Did you hear about the cannibal with Diarrhea?






He passed his friend in the street

MonkieSocks

Went to the sperm bank yesterday - the nurse asked me to masturbate in the cup.

I said I might be pretty good at it but I don't think I'm ready to compete just yet.

MonkieSocks

I paid €100 up front for a carpenter to make me up a double bed.

He's only gone and done a bunk! It's just one thing on top of another.

MonkieSocks

Due to ongoing bankruptcy issues, Katie Price couldn’t pay her water bill anymore.

I sent her a Get Well Soon card.

MonkieSocks

By the end of January the EU will be 1 GB free

MonkieSocks

My colleague can no longer attend next weeks Innuendo Seminar so I have to fill her slot instead.

chooseusername

I told my girlfriend a Double Entendre was a french drink.

When she asked for it at the bar, the barman gave her one.

greenspurs

About a month before he died, my uncle had his back covered in lard. After that, he went down hill fast.

MonkieSocks

Sad to say my clothes horse has broken beyond repair after 35 years of service. It’s the end of an airer!

greenspurs

"I have a split personality," said Tom, being frank

MonkieSocks

Just got fired from my job at the Cycus as a human cannonball....they said I wasn't the right caliber for the job

greenspurs

It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

Sheridan81

My dad worked in the army as an undertaker and was often mistaken for a former American president.

He was a barrack embalmer.


-Good old Milton Jones

greenspurs

Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines everywhere!

MonkieSocks

I was just having a poo and ran out of loo paper so had to do that trousers-round-the-ankles waddle to get some .Bit embarrassing but I'm nearly at Tesco's now.

greenspurs

I wrote a song about a Tortilla.....
but its probably more of a wrap ……………...

TheBody

Gwyneth Paltrow defends charging £58 for a vagina-scented candle, as making each one is very labia-intensive.

MonkieSocks

A female weightlifter goes to the doc's: "I've been taking steroids, & now I've grown a Penis"

"Anabolic" says the Doctor: "No just the penis!"

MonkieSocks

A Spanish magician was doing a magic trick.

He said, Uno, Dos, and then he disappeared without a trace

MonkieSocks

My wife’s New Years resolution was to run 5 miles a day.

With any luck she’s 85 miles away now.

coolhull

I woke up this morning at 8, and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn’t know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald’s serves breakfast until 11:30.

NSAman

Had a dyslexic agnostic insomniac friend,, he lay awake all night contemplating Dog.

greenspurs

What do you call a man with a small penis ?


Justin

greenspurs

If a man says you're ugly, he's being mean.
If a woman says you're ugly, she's envious.

If a little kid says you're ugly, you're ugly.