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What's it like dating somebody with a child?

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  • 25-06-2019 10:39am
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    Went on a date there, and we want to meet again. However she told me she has a kid, about 5 years old.

    That's a bummer. What should I think about before going on a second date. Do I have to basically commit right now to raising this kid until he's 18. (I'm an optimist so I'm assuming this will go past a few dates).

    Anybody here hooked up with somebody with a kid? What's it like? I would like a kid, but one of my own though. If I'm having doubts now, is it doomed already?


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    #2
    woodchuck
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 15,409 Mod ✭✭✭✭woodchuck


    Do I have to basically commit right now to raising this kid until he's 18.

    Eh, no! It's only been one date...

    Any decent mother would wait until she's in a serious enough relationship before even introducing a partner to her child. It wouldn't be fair on the child to let them form an emotional bond with someone who she is only casually dating.
    I would like a kid, but one of my own though.

    Just because someone already has a child, it doesn't mean they won't want another.

    However you do need to figure out whether or not this is a deal breaker for you. Even though it has only been one date, there's no point pursuing things for much longer if you could never see yourself being a father figure to a child that is not biologically your own.


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    #3
    Rosepetals85
    Registered Users Posts: 82 ✭✭Rosepetals85


    hmmshouldi wrote: »
    Went on a date there, and we want to meet again. However she told me she has a kid, about 5 years old.

    That's a bummer.

    Really!!!! So what if she has a child. I’m sure she’s not looking for another father for the child and does be with their dad. She has a child - big deal. Kids dont stay kids forever


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    #4
    woodchuck
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 15,409 Mod ✭✭✭✭woodchuck


    @Rosepetal, if the child is only 5 years old, they'll stay a child for quite some time yet!

    I agree that we can probably assume that the child spends time with their father and that the mother is probably not looking for another father. However if the mother does get into a serious relationship, it's only natural that the partner will ultimately have a role in the childs life. So I don't think it's fair to say it's not a big deal.

    OP if this does turn out to be a dealbreaker for you, I don't think there is any shame in that. You should try to figure it out sooner rather than later though.


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    #5
    ElizaBennett
    Registered Users Posts: 239 ✭✭ElizaBennett


    You're having very negative thoughts about this, which is your right. my advice is to get out while you can. My partner had a 4 year old when we met, who is now 8 and it just gets harder and harder all the time. I'm on a lot of forums for stepparents and even the ones who are fond of the kids find it very very hard at times. I had NO IDEA how hard it would be. If I could wave a magic want so his child never existed I would do it in a heartbeat - and that's pretty dramatic. She has made my life so much harder than it ever had to be and is the number 1 stressor in my life - and that's followed a long way back by a very stressful job and loads of health issues and a son of my own with mental health problems. Don't let yourself stumble blindly into this. You will have a lot to do with the child and would most likely end up under the same roof if your relationship went the distance. Nightmare. Just move on to the next one with the awareness that this is one of your dealbreakers.


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    #6
    Ann84
    Registered Users Posts: 303 ✭✭Ann84


    I met my now husband when my daughter was 5... she’s 14 now and we are married and very much a family. We share parent with her Dad and all get on ok.
    I don’t know how he felt when we first met, he seemed cool as the breeze - he didn’t seem put off by me having a kid and I have to admit if I thought he had the doubts/ putoffs you have I would have been pretty hurt, I mean what the hell could I do about it, being a single parent isn’t like having a disease!

    If you like her, give it a go - but if all you see if the kid, then don’t bother - hopefully she’ll meet someone who can see past her responsibilities and likes the idea of being a step parent like my hubby did!
    My daughter and hubby started off friends but over the years, and obviously with the progress of our relationship he is a proper step dad and I know he loves her to bits and pieces and she loves him too, they have their own special relationship!

    It can be the best or worst thing ever, just like having your own so it goes back to whether you like this girl or not, because if you do, and if you fall in love and move in and all that... there is a chance you’d fall in love with her kid as much as it could go the other way.

    Lots of families are blended nowadays, it’s not unusual and can work well, but don’t hurt her, I did date a guy who told me he liked me but didn’t want to date me because of my kid - it really hurt, like there was anything I could do about it 🙄😟
    Don’t do that!


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    #7
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    OP as I single parent all I can say is you are entitled to feeling the way you feel but two things:
    -you are assuming she will allow you to become a part of their family, and that ultimately you are the one making the decision whether it's a yeay or a nay. She might not like the way you are around her child or she might not like something else about you. And it might be a no from her. so don't assume it's your call.
    -she might not even be looking for a serious relationship, never mind letting you step-father her child.
    I am now talking about myself and if this were me I'd be of the opinion that if she is strong and brave enough to be a single parent, she might be just fine the way she is now and not even looking to let you into her family.


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    #8
    ginandtonicsky
    Closed Accounts Posts: 710 ✭✭✭ginandtonicsky


    If your whole attitude towards the situation is "that's a bummer" then I think this is a dealbreaker for you. I don't have kids, but I can't imagine I'd want someone that thought of my child as a "bummer" to be a part of their life in anyway.

    It's fine to have dealbreakers, you just need to be fully honest with yourself and not lead anyone on when there's something big in them that you can't get passed. That's how people get messed around.

    I'd also mention that life doesn't happen in a straight line. My experience of relationships is that the right person for you rarely looks or is who you expect them to be. I'm seeing a guy now who's 10 years older and has 2 adult kids. Would he be someone I'd have imagined as ever being in my life or compatible with me before we met? Hell no! But he's an incredible partner and the fact that he's a great dad makes him even more incredible to me. Keep an open mind.


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    #9
    GarIT
    Registered Users Posts: 8,671 ✭✭✭GarIT


    Unless you are interested in rasing somebody else's child or both of you are interested in keeping it casual at some point it will have to end. Keep that in mind if you're hoping for a long term relationship. There is no long term relationship without the parenting aspect at some point.

    Also be prepared for somebody who isn't able to go on as many holidays or to go out often on a whim. And usually a child reduces any extra money she would have for other things like events and going out.

    I wouldn't date a single mother (or father) and there is nothing wrong with that. It's just not something I want to do with my life.


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    #10
    Unbelievable24
    Registered Users Posts: 2 ✭Unbelievable24


    I dated a woman with two children for eleven years....It was a long distance thing....seeing each other every / most weekends. I never saw the children as an obstacle to our relationship and they only enhanced my time with her. They spent time with their father in the early years (they were 4 and 8 then) and this allowed us time to ourselves. The relationship I had with their mother broke down and I ended up losing not one love but three....I have not seen or heard from them since and that was the hardest pill to take. It was their Mother's decision to break all contact and to terminate the relationship.
    Remember that to enter into a relationship with anyone with children, there will be bonds made and in the event of things not working out, the fallout can be devastating. In hindsight, I would not change a thing as her children were pretty amazing and gave me great joy to see them grow and develop and to know that I was part of their development during that time.


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    #11
    Megwepz
    Registered Users Posts: 74 ✭✭Megwepz


    I was going to suggest inviting this woman on a second date if you felt you wanted to meet again and maybe trying to find out a little bit more about how much time the child spends with his/her father, what kind of free time she has herself etc... but having read your post again and reviewing the language and phrasing used I would suggest doing this woman a favor and letting her know you won't be meeting again. Based purely on your OP I would say that you're not mature / empathetic enough to be in a relationship with a single parent.

    As a single parent, if I read the above post from someone I had gone on a date with I would run a million miles.

    "However she told me she has a kid, about 5 years old. That's a bummer." - A bummer??? Seriously? This little boy/girl of hers that you haven't even had the pleasure or privilege of meeting you describe as a bummer?

    "Do I have to basically commit right now to raising this kid until he's 18." - Again.... seriously????

    "If I'm having doubts now, is it doomed already?" - YES! It is doomed already because of your attitude to this child who is no doubt the biggest part of this woman's life and the reason she lives and breaths. Whether or not she has ample free time to date you and be in a position to not involve her child at all down the line or if she would intend on involving you in the child's life should things progress between you, I would think that is she read the above post she would want nothing to do with you.


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    #12
    Unreguser
    Registered Users Posts: 72 ✭✭Unreguser


    Hi, only a regular browser here but have been in your situation so heres my take on it.
    Realistically it might not even last years, so your thinking way too much ahead there, although its good to weigh up these questions at the start.

    I can tell you straight off it will be hard, you will have different opinions on things/raising/concerns etc and at the end of it of the day her decision will be the only one that's matters. The child could be a handful and youd have little to no say or influence over it and over time that will wear you down. Then again the kid could be well behaved and yous all get on, and the kid does deserve that chance if the father is absent or whatever the case may be.

    The child could also be with his father weekends etc so you may not have as much commitment needed as you think.

    If this was me starting over and I liked the girl id at least give it a chance before being negative about it, meet up again in time have a chat about kid just as in coversation, ask is father around does kid go to him stay weekends etc, you`ll need to know all this anyway if getting more serious.

    If, and I say if, you do get to the stage of meeting the kid just gauge how it all goes, is she good with him? is he spoilt? is he wild/troublesome? if theres something you don't think is right does she respect that or is it not your concern?

    Having been there these are now the things Id look out for over a few weeks or months, I wont lie it can be a huge hassle and many would say not worth it, then again yous could all actually get on, I wouldn't be afraid of meeting the kid too soon and then it not working out that's on her imo, unless you already know that's its not for you then don't waste everyones time.

    In short you wont know how it will go till you find out more, and also spent some time with the kid. I hope this is of some help though.

    Goodluck


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    #13
    12gauge dave
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,072 ✭✭✭12gauge dave


    I've had 2 relationship with women with children I wouldn't do another one.
    Its a huge commitment that the mother rarely appreciates and wouldn't do if roles were reversed I fear.


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    #14
    Heres Johnny
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,738 ✭✭✭Heres Johnny


    I did too and it was a deal breaker for me. I had no children at the time but she had a son. I liked her but becoming a de facto step parent overnight is tough, in fairness she never landed me with parenting duties or anything but not being able to do what you want when you want because of the kid became tough to take, I was 2nd best and I accepted and understood my position but it wasn't making me happy. She was an excellent mother in fairness to her.

    Anyway, that was just me I was honest with her and I think she appreciated that. Went back to dating women with no children after that and was much happier.


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    #15
    woodchuck
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 15,409 Mod ✭✭✭✭woodchuck


    Mod note:

    Off topic posts deleted. Posters are reminded that they should reply in a civil manner and only if they have advice for the OP.


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    #16
    waxmelts2000
    Registered Users Posts: 605 ✭✭✭waxmelts2000


    Having come out of a relationship where my ex had a 10 year old, I grew extremely close to her and her to me. I have not seen her since the break up and doubt I ever will. Once I'm ready to date again I would be slow to meet someone with young children for this reason again as it was so tough losing not just him but his daughter too.


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    #17
    Daisy78
    Registered Users Posts: 1,029 ✭✭✭Daisy78


    GarIT wrote: »
    Unless you are interested in rasing somebody else's child or both of you are interested in keeping it casual at some point it will have to end. Keep that in mind if you're hoping for a long term relationship. There is no long term relationship without the parenting aspect at some point.

    Also be prepared for somebody who isn't able to go on as many holidays or to go out often on a whim. And usually a child reduces any extra money she would have for other things like events and going out.

    I wouldn't date a single mother (or father) and there is nothing wrong with that. It's just not something I want to do with my life.

    Very true. You might need to manage your expectations in terms of the usual social aspects of a relationship, i.e meeting when they are free too, less weekends away and holidays due to less disposable income on their part. I have friends who are in relationships with single parents and lovely though they are (the partners) they definitely have had to make certain sacrifices to make the relationship work that they wouldn’t have had to if their partner did not have a child.


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    #18
    ElizaBennett
    Registered Users Posts: 239 ✭✭ElizaBennett


    I disagree with the advice to get to know her first before you decide it's worth it. It'll be too late when you're emotionally involved whereas you can be objective now after just one date.

    Children are bloody hard work. At least when they're your own the unconditional love gets you through. Four years in I don't love my partner's child and never will. He knows how stressed she makes me and tries to manage things so they do their own thing when he has her. You don't need this massive hassle in your life so don't take it on.


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    #19
    Dtp1979
    Registered Users Posts: 12,739 ✭✭✭✭Dtp1979


    Some people seem to have a disgusting attitude towards kids on here. Kids pick up on that and will never warm to you. It must be tough for a single parent to read this thread wondering if they’ll ever find love again.


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    #20
    ginandtonicsky
    Closed Accounts Posts: 710 ✭✭✭ginandtonicsky


    I think it's a very harmful and detrimental thing to get involved in a child's life like this if you have massive reservations and can't emotionally get onboard with playing a role in that child's life.

    So in that respect, OP you need to be completely brutally honest with yourself. If you think you'll be bitter and resentful and not fully accept the child into your life, for everyone's sake walk away now.

    This might be a demographic thing as much as anything else. I'm in my 30s and have been around the block enough to know what I'm looking for, namely emotional maturity, kindness, someone to laugh with, a true partnership, someone that wants a future with me. If that person has kids, I'm open-minded. If I was 10 years younger and had less relationship experience, I might not be. In those 10 years I've learned that it's about the person and not the packaging.

    But equally, you're entitled to your preferences and just need to be honest and responsible about them. Worse case scenario things proceed and you end up being quite an influential figure in the child's life but are saying things like you don't love them and you wish your partner never had them. Honestly that's a bloody damaging attitude to have towards a child.


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    #21
    Caranica
    Registered Users Posts: 10,041 ✭✭✭✭Caranica


    We all have exes. However, when there's a child involved, exes are part of day to day life (unless widow/widower). I don't think I could cope with that having seen what's happened to friends whose relationships have ended and when kids are involved.


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    #22
    qwerty13
    Registered Users Posts: 1,272 ✭✭✭qwerty13


    Did she not make it clear beforehand that she had a kid?

    Personally, it wouldn’t be for me. I have no desire to have kids myself - so the idea of landing into a scenario with a kid that wasn’t mine just isn’t for me.

    I know people will disagree, but you’re perfectly entitled not to be into the scenario. It’s as simple as if you don’t want it, then you don’t want it.

    Re a long term scenario, all I can do is relate stories from friends. Bit of a mixed bag: 1 that was happy to be in a pre-made family and row in with that; another not so much when there was constant hassle with the ex, and the kid majorly resented the current partner.

    It will impact on your relationship though: no spontaneous arrangements, the ex always being involved to some extent, and that the child is (rightly) no 1. Not everyone can handle that. I know I couldn’t. So I think you need to decide early on whether you could do long term relationship if there’s a kid involved.

    And I do feel for a previous poster who realised well into the relationship that this scenario can cause mega stress. Of course it can. But I guess by then you’re so involved with your partner that you love them and don’t want to walk away. But it’s kinda emotions versus practical stuff. You can love your partner, but not love the situation you find yourself in when living with them. If you can see a situation like that potentially in your future OP, then walk away. Tbh, that’s what I’d do.


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    #23
    Anna2834
    Registered Users Posts: 155 ✭✭Anna2834


    From personal experience I would never date a guy with kids again. Maybe my experience wasn't too positive but I could never go though "I can't see you today as I have my son with me" or "my ex wants me to do this for her in relation to the kids" - never again do I want to be 4th best. It just wasn't for me, but it could be for other people. For me it would be a big NO.


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    #24
    rustynutz
    Registered Users Posts: 788 ✭✭✭rustynutz


    I had a long term relationship with a woman who had a kid when I was in my twenties. I personally wouldn't recommend it at that age, a lot of added hassle dealing with the ex, always restricted with ur plans due to babysitting etc. If you have any doubts (and you seem to by your OP) I'd say walk away now. I've since gone on to have kids of my own and they are seriously hard work, but the biological connection gets you through the hard times. Different story when you are dealing with a kid who you have no say in their upbringing, and most likely they will see you as a barrier between their mammy and daddy reuniting and resent you because of it


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    #25
    ElizaBennett
    Registered Users Posts: 239 ✭✭ElizaBennett


    I don't know what age you are OP but I was over 40 and divorced when I met my partner who has a daughter. I had no previous experience of dating someone with kids and no clue how it would be. It was bad enough when he had his own place and I could get away from the bad behaviour and turn a blind eye but, due to the rental crisis basically, we are now living together in my house and that's been a massive struggle at my stage in life, though he does only have her two days a week.
    So it's not just about maturity. Or it might be about having the maturity to know what you want and what you don't want. I get a lot of support from others in my position online and many of them do as I do which is to be as little involved as possible and just a polite but distant presence in the child's life. she will ALWAYS be a visitor in my home - one that I tolerate and when I can't tolerate her I just go out and do my own thing till she's gone. This is my reality. It could end up being yours. As others have said, they're not children forever and in a few years it'll just be me and him again so I think it's worth holding on to our relationship. But I would not willingly enter this kind of arrangement again. It's too serious. If anything happened to her mother and he had to become her full time parent there is no question. We would break up. Read back through the replies here. Most are telling you to run a mile. You know your own gut feelings. We're all different and have different dealbreakers so just go with your gut.


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    #26
    zapper55
    Registered Users Posts: 684 ✭✭✭zapper55


    Eliza that sounds horrific for you, your partner and his child. I've no doubt the child picks up on your 'tolerance' of them. A child doesnt stop being someone's child just because they turn 18. They will be in your life as long as this person is.

    OP dont go on the second date. You've already raised doubts and assumptions about being in a relationship with a kid. Would I have done it 10 years ago? No. Now I realise the guys with 'baggage' with an ex wife, with kids, are far more likely to be emotionally mature and not into silly games.


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    #27
    tcif
    Registered Users Posts: 302 ✭✭tcif


    Hi OP, I’m the voice from the other side of the fence in that my experience is that it can work out. My stepdaughter was also 5 when I met my OH. All things considered, I got lucky in the circumstances i.e. I wasn’t put off by the fact/a very civilized co-parenting arrangement with the ex and no drama/a great kid. Still I’ll admit there are times when it hasn’t been easy, when I’ve struggled hugely with the restrictions and the responsibilities and the constant compromise even the best co-parenting arrangement entails. Luckily, again, my OH has always been understanding and supportive of my meltdowns. But we’re together now almost 10 years, we’re in a very happy, very loving relationship and that “we” is all three of us. I have the best of OH's and I've watched my stepdaughter grow from a very sweet child into a kind and loving young woman I'm proud to have had any hand in raising.
    hmmshouldi wrote: »
    Do I have to basically commit right now to raising this kid until he's 18.

    If you do stay with his Mum you have to realize he's not going to just disappear at 18.
    hmmshouldi wrote: »
    I would like a kid, but one of my own though.

    If you stay with his Mum and have a child of your own it will be hugely important that you show love and kindness to both children, even if in your heart you don't feel the same about both. Do not have a child growing up in a home where they feel unloved or unwanted or not as good as any brother or sister. I've seen what that can do and it was devastating to the stepchild.


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    #28
    Knine
    Registered Users Posts: 3,761 ✭✭✭Knine


    Dtp1979 wrote: »
    Some people seem to have a disgusting attitude towards kids on here. Kids pick up on that and will never warm to you. It must be tough for a single parent to read this thread wondering if they’ll ever find love again.

    Actually no. It is a privilege for someone to be allowed into my children's lives & I've never had issues getting dates etc. I also don't need anyone to raise my kids. I can do that myself!


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    #29
    Calltocall
    Registered Users Posts: 340 ✭✭Calltocall


    ElizaBennett wrote: »
    I don't know what age you are OP but I was over 40 and divorced when I met my partner who has a daughter. I had no previous experience of dating someone with kids and no clue how it would be. It was bad enough when he had his own place and I could get away from the bad behaviour and turn a blind eye but, due to the rental crisis basically, we are now living together in my house and that's been a massive struggle at my stage in life, though he does only have her two days a week.
    So it's not just about maturity. Or it might be about having the maturity to know what you want and what you don't want. I get a lot of support from others in my position online and many of them do as I do which is to be as little involved as possible and just a polite but distant presence in the child's life. she will ALWAYS be a visitor in my home - one that I tolerate and when I can't tolerate her I just go out and do my own thing till she's gone. This is my reality. It could end up being yours. As others have said, they're not children forever and in a few years it'll just be me and him again so I think it's worth holding on to our relationship. But I would not willingly enter this kind of arrangement again. It's too serious. If anything happened to her mother and he had to become her full time parent there is no question. We would break up. Read back through the replies here. Most are telling you to run a mile. You know your own gut feelings. We're all different and have different dealbreakers so just go with your gut.

    Poor child, I feel sorry for her in this situation.


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    #30
    Dtp1979
    Registered Users Posts: 12,739 ✭✭✭✭Dtp1979


    Knine wrote: »
    Actually no. It is a privilege for someone to be allowed into my children's lives & I've never had issues getting dates etc. I also don't need anyone to raise my kids. I can do that myself!

    I never said you couldn’t.


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    #31
    Ann84
    Registered Users Posts: 303 ✭✭Ann84


    ElizaBennett wrote: »
    I don't know what age you are OP but I was over 40 and divorced when I met my partner

    So it's not just about maturity. Or it might be about having the maturity to know what you want and what you don't want. I get a lot of support from others in my position online and many of them do as I do which is to be as little involved as possible and just a polite but distant presence in the child's life. she will ALWAYS be a visitor in my home - one that I tolerate and when I can't tolerate her I just go out and do my own thing till she's gone. This is my reality. It could end up being yours.

    If anything happened to her mother and he had to become her full time parent there is no question. We would break up.

    My God Eliza that’s tragic... I can’t believe her Dad puts his daughter in a situation with you - that’s her childhood, her home and her family life - ironic you mention maturity Eliza your the adult in the situation, your post reads really bad like your the spoilt child!

    Honestly, I don’t know why you stay in that situation.


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