What's it like dating somebody with a child?

Unreguser

Calltocall wrote: »

Poor child, I feel sorry for her in this situation.

I don't, not fully anyway, theres obviously a situation that led to this situation and at 8 years of age theres a good chance the child is a major and willing contribution to it, poster is entitled to her opinion and no one else is in her situation or dealing with it to say shes wrong.

Ive been on the worst side of this and can say it was hell, daily chaos, every outing ending in rows, meals ruined, holidays ruined, constant remarks and insults and all because a child thought was untouchable.

My own endurance was 13 years and it and was only when the child got to 19 that things started to ease off, if that's an help to ElizaBennet.

This woman offered her home to her partner and his child and as a result clearly has regular stress and regrets, the least someone derserves in their own home is respect, or if not even respect, at the very least entitled to not have constant problems or aggro.

Admittedly a strong choice of words were used, and at only two days a week Id just let it be but as someone that's been there I can understand where the feelings come from.

Which is why my own advise to the OP was if interested to meet the kid etc and weigh the whole thing up, sometimes they work out, sometimes they simply don't and that would be something he wont know until finds out more.

ElizaBennett

Thank you to the last poster for being understanding, which, funnily enough, is because they have experienced it. Most of you haven't and are very quick to judge which, by the way, is no help to the OP and off topic. I posted my experience with a view to sharing and possibly helping aid his decision. Wish others would remember this and the fact that it's not about me here. I'm telling my truth, which is meant to be of use to the OP. Absolutely no point in me lying. I wish I'd heard this from someone else 5 years ago. And yes it does come back to being respected in your own home - a hard won home at that, following divorce and re-mortgaging and all the hurt that entails. I was not ready and will never be ready to be badly treated under my own roof. At the end of the day, the ultimate decision when it comes to stepkids is by the natural parent. It is fully his or her responsibility what life they want for their child. Think of your own happiness, OP, as you are entitled to.

Big Bag of Chips

ElizaBennet, I understand this is something that is close to the bone for you, but you are reminded this is not your thread. Posters are asked at all times, to keep the OP in mind and direct all replies to them, with mature, constructive, civil advice.

Focussing on another poster and their issues is dragging the thread off topic.

So please remember to post in response to the OP. Others are free to open their own thread if they so wish.

GarIT

Some people think it's a privilege to be involved in a childs life others think it is constant suffering. Each are valid opinions for their own reasons. The important thing is how it will make you feel getting into that situation and making a decision based on that. Dating is one of the few situations where it is of critical importance to be selfish. Do what will make yourself happy and don't set yourself on fire to keep somebody else warm.

blarb

Hi OP,

I dated a single dad for almost a year. He had his child 50% of the time. I weighed this up a lot at the start, as it basically meant he wouldn't be free to see me half the time (I wouldn't expect to meet anyone's child(ren) until we got to a point where both of us had felt quite sure that we were in the relationship for the long haul).

I have to say I found that having a preview about how he was as a father of great benefit (as I want kids myself some day).

I was willing to give it a shot knowing he would only be available half the time, and keeping in my awareness that he was obviously a dad first and foremost before being a boyfriend to me. So depends how ok you feel with ultimately coming after the child in her priorities.

The fact that my ex and the mother of his child were co-parenting without any drama or arguing really helped the situation. I would find out what your date's relationship is like with the father of her child, how often does she have the child living with her etc.

It is a risk to take OP, in my experience we moved slower than we would have had he not had a child, and unfortunately we did not make it for the "long haul".

It really depends on how much you like her. I would say one date is probably not enough to know. Unless you absolutely recoil at the thought of a kid already being in the picture, then I would recommend going for a second date first without jumping ahead to thinking long term. What have you got to lose?

Hope that helps in some way.

Calltocall

Unreguser wrote: »

I don't, not fully anyway, theres obviously a situation that led to this situation and at 8 years of age theres a good chance the child is a major and willing contribution to it, poster is entitled to her opinion and no one else is in her situation or dealing with it to say shes wrong.

Ive been on the worst side of this and can say it was hell, daily chaos, every outing ending in rows, meals ruined, holidays ruined, constant remarks and insults and all because a child thought was untouchable.

My own endurance was 13 years and it and was only when the child got to 19 that things started to ease off, if that's an help to ElizaBennet.

This woman offered her home to her partner and his child and as a result clearly has regular stress and regrets, the least someone derserves in their own home is respect, or if not even respect, at the very least entitled to not have constant problems or aggro.

Admittedly a strong choice of words were used, and at only two days a week Id just let it be but as someone that's been there I can understand where the feelings come from.

Which is why my own advise to the OP was if interested to meet the kid etc and weigh the whole thing up, sometimes they work out, sometimes they simply don't and that would be something he wont know until finds out more.

Ok but others are entitled to an opinion also and I’m calling it as I see it, the poster put this out there and it’s a public forum where people can give opinions even if they don’t agree.

From reading, the father of this child is not doing a good job of protecting his daughter as he’s putting her in a situation where she’s made to feel unwelcome and unloved, and to pin the fault of that on an eight year old is pathetic, he’s a man and should protect his child, he’s doing untold damage to her by exposing her to someone who has no time for her and that’s just really cruel. Again I feel sorry for the child not for the adults here. I won’t derail the thread any further just felt I had to respond to your post with honesty.

bertsmom

It's hard work and not work I was prepared for or wanted to put in. I decided to end the relationship before it got too stressful for me.
The man I was dating had a daughter who needed her Dad and whoever he was going to be with to at least feel fondness for her and to be honest I felt nothing so I called it a day as soon as I realised we all needed far more than any of us could give each other.

sportsfan90

I'm pleasantly surprised that the posters who said they wouldn't date someone with a child aren't being shot down.

It came up in conversation before with a group of friends. I said that I wouldn't and the women in the group (none of which were mothers if that matters) completely ganged up on me accusing me of sexism, misogyny and all sorts.

It's certainly isn't me judging single mothers, it's simply a case of it wouldn't suit me. I know that it works out great for others and that my choice cuts off a large proportion of women from the pool of people I could potentially date, but it would completely restrict the type of life I'd like to live. I'm in my late 20's, I'd at least like the option of discussing with a partner for example the possibility of moving the Oz or Canada for a year without being told that no she has children in school and we can't even move an hour up the road never mind to another country.

Maybe down the road when I'm in my 40's or if the kids are a bit older approaching adulthood, but for the moment it's just not something that would be for me.

Megwepz

sportsfan90 wrote: »

I'm pleasantly surprised that the posters who said they wouldn't date someone with a child aren't being shot down.

I don't think anyone should be shot down for being honest about their preferences. In relation to the OP, if he knows at this stage that he has no interest in being involved in the life of a child whose mother he is dating, the very best thing he can do for all involved is to be honest.

For the OP to allow himself to get into a situation where he could be a part of the life of a child he has no interest in, he resents or would get rid of with 'the wave of a wand' would be horrendous. I can't imagine allowing someone into my life that would have any negative feelings towards my son, children absolutely pick up on these feelings and they can have serious and lasting life long effects on their mental and emotional development and well being.

Dating single parents is not for everyone for all of the very valid reasons that other posters have pointed out. As a single mother myself I know that anyone I date will always come second to my son, I don't have the freedom to go on nights out or weekends away on a whim, times that I can go on dates or just spend time in together are restricted due to my son being with me more than half of the week, my disposable income is not at the same level as someone who does not have a child etc.etc. etc.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with being honest with someone that due to all of the above reasons and more, a relationship with a single parent is just not what they want in their life. Crikey.... I'd even be hesitant about dating a single father I think!!!

OP - be honest with yourself about whether this is something you want to get involved in, there's no shame in saying that it's not. Move on if so and find someone more compatible!

LegacyUser

Megwepz wrote: »

I was going to suggest inviting this woman on a second date if you felt you wanted to meet again and maybe trying to find out a little bit more about how much time the child spends with his/her father, what kind of free time she has herself etc... but having read your post again and reviewing the language and phrasing used I would suggest doing this woman a favor and letting her know you won't be meeting again. Based purely on your OP I would say that you're not mature / empathetic enough to be in a relationship with a single parent.

As a single parent, if I read the above post from someone I had gone on a date with I would run a million miles.

"However she told me she has a kid, about 5 years old. That's a bummer." - A bummer??? Seriously? This little boy/girl of hers that you haven't even had the pleasure or privilege of meeting you describe as a bummer?

"Do I have to basically commit right now to raising this kid until he's 18." - Again.... seriously????

"If I'm having doubts now, is it doomed already?" - YES! It is doomed already because of your attitude to this child who is no doubt the biggest part of this woman's life and the reason she lives and breaths. Whether or not she has ample free time to date you and be in a position to not involve her child at all down the line or if she would intend on involving you in the child's life should things progress between you, I would think that is she read the above post she would want nothing to do with you.

OP here. I've just come back to this thread and have gotten as far as the post above. And there's a few pages left! Looking forward to the feedback.

I just want to say to folks like 'Megwepz' that there's a slight plot twist. I was raised by a stepfather myself. That's why I said '"bummer". I know what it's like to be raised by a stepfather. And I know what it's like to be a teenager and have a stepfather shouting at you and at times you're thinking "he's not my dad" etc. So when I meet a nice girl with a kid this pops into my mind.

So when you say "OMG shocked!!! 5 question marks in a row ????? and other "offended" reactions etc." I really don't care how offended you are. I've had a stepdad since I was 5 years old and I'm now 35. I have as much experience of the situation as you do, from a different angle.

I just wanted advice from guys who have dated ladies with kids because I can't ask my own dad "Hey, how was it raising me? Do you regret it? Any tips?".

Anyway it's obvious enough from the title. I'm just looking for advice FROM GUYS on dating a single mother.

ginandtonicsky

hmmshouldi wrote: »

I just wanted advice from guys who have dated ladies with kids because I can't ask my own dad "Hey, how was it raising me? Do you regret it? Any tips?".

Anyway it's obvious enough from the title. I'm just looking for advice FROM GUYS on dating a single mother.

That wasn't obvious at all from your thread title. Why is it specifically only guys dating women with kids that qualify to answer this for you? I would've thought anyone dating anyone with kids would offer a good perspective.

You can use your own experience of having a step-dad to inform this if you want. Perhaps you don't want someone to think of you as "not their REAL dad" or perhaps you simply don't want to raise some kids that aren't biologically yours at all. That's your prerogative.

Most teenagers will have pushback on their parents though. Mine was "you're too old / old-fashioned to understand me and I didn't ask to be born". Teenagers will be teenagers.

woodchuck

Mod note:

OP please be aware that everyone is welcome to offer advice here, provided they do so in a civil manner.

If you don't like the advice that someone is offering, or feel it is coming from a perspective that is not helpful to you, you can just ignore it.

LegacyUser

OP, I am not a guy so cannot offer advice from that perspective.

But I am currently in a relationship with someone who has children.

I am going unregistered for this.

Honestly? I would walk away. If I knew then what I know now, I would not date someone with children and that would just be my own preference. I get along with the children now but the presence of his other family so to speak has been a huge weight on our own relationship.
I can not say I have any regrets because we have our own child now but I am not sure if our relationship will survive much further.
So ironically I could possibly be a single mother back on the dating scene in a few years. But again I completely understand that dating someone with kids will not be for everyone.

Big Bag of Chips

My sister is married to a man who has (had) full custody of his children since they were small. My sister isn't an easy person to get along with and I know she was particularly tough on his children. Tougher than she would be on her own, I assume.

It eventually ended in the kids leaving the house as soon as they gas opportunity to and now they have little or no relationship with their dad, because of her.

Think very carefully: If you are not willing, or able, to be a positive addition in a child's life, then you should step back, way back. The damage is real, and lasting.

Spencer Winterbotham

I'm guy who has been in a relationship with two single mothers.... (not at the same time!)

I loved the women and in both relationships the kids were lovely... one boy and one girl of similar ages... around 7....

At my age, late 30s I guess I kind of accepted it would be unlikely I would meet some without child and I was very open to it.... however... I came to a realisation....

You are always, and very understandably, going to be way down the list of priorities... of course someone's child comes first.... but my realisation was... why should I accept this for my life?

Why should I put this person first in my life, my top priority, and it not be reciprocated? It doesn't have to be this way...

I would always have been 2nd best... and have absolutely no say whatsoever on how the child should be raised... why would I have a say?.. i'm not the father.... I have to put up with the hardship, sacrifice and cost of parenting.... without being the parent...

After the breakdown of the last relationship, (unrelated to the little girl, who was great) I just said... no... never again... I'll go alone if I have to but if I am going to have a child in my life It has to be mine...

I am single... and it may not ever happen for me but that is path I have chosen.

My brother married a woman with a child... smashing little lad... no hassle and very respectful.... they have a child of their own so its a proper little family with a white picket fence...

I mentioned my resolution to my brother after the break up of my relationship with the single mother and I was surprised by what he said...

He said that if he was to do it all again he would never have gotten involved with his now wife... he loves her... and the child... but he says there is just this massive part of his life that he has absolutely no control over.. no say.. nothing... he has to put up and shut up when it comes to her child.... the child's father is a constant feature and a complete nightmare.... I had to talk my brother out of his car one day as he was on his way up to boy's father's house to kill him (figuratively).... he makes their life hell... his wife is tears the whole time with the child's father's behaviour.... and there is nothing... nothing he can do about it.... They live in his house on his salary and he just has sit there and watch all this drama unfold and be unable to do anything... nothing.

To the single mothers who think that any man should feel privileged to be involved in her children's life... I'm sorry, they are completely deluded... they have no idea what they are asking of a man in that situation. The emasculation of no control and playing second fiddle for the rest of his life.... that is not a privilege.... what people say to your face and what people think are two very different things.....

I love kids... I would love to have a child myself one day.... if it happens great... if not... such is life...

Spencer Winterbotham

Spencer Winterbotham wrote: »

You are always, and very understandably, going to be way down the list of priorities... of course someone's child comes first.... but my realisation was... why should I accept this for my life?

Why should I put this person first in my life, my top priority, and it not be reciprocated? It doesn't have to be this way...

I would always have been 2nd best... and have absolutely no say whatsoever on how the child should be raised... why would I have a say?.. i'm not the father.... I have to put up with the hardship, sacrifice and cost of parenting.... without being the parent...

.... He said that if he was to do it all again he would never have gotten involved with his now wife... he loves her... and the child... but he says there is just this massive part of his life that he has absolutely no control over.. no say.. nothing... he has to put up and shut up when it comes to her child.... the child's father is a constant feature and a complete nightmare.... I had to talk my brother out of his car one day as he was on his way up to boy's father's house to kill him (figuratively).... he makes their life hell... his wife is tears the whole time with the child's father's behaviour.... and there is nothing... nothing he can do about it.... They live in his house on his salary and he just has sit there and watch all this drama unfold and be unable to do anything... nothing.

To the single mothers who think that any man should feel privileged to be involved in her children's life... I'm sorry, they are completely deluded... they have no idea what they are asking of a man in that situation. The emasculation of no control and playing second fiddle for the rest of his life.... that is not a privilege.... what people say to your face and what people think are two very different things.....

I love kids... I would love to have a child myself one day.... if it happens great... if not... such is life...

This is very, very honest. Move on quickly, op. You will need support through life and if you're only going to be put second but expected to put your partner (and, in reality, her child) first, your resentment will only build. It's tough enough doing this with your own children, without the dynamics of some other man's child and his long-term involvement in your new family.

So, first and foremost think of how you'll feel always being second fiddle. I think we all deserve better than that if we are putting somebody else first. It would also be awful for you to find you are resentful down the road because of these unfulfilled needs, and her innocent child suffers. The child, too, deserves more than this.

Lastly, don't delude yourself with any of this nonsense like 'They won't be children forever'. They will always be their children, and you will always be second best. And even if they were to leave at 18 those years before of being second best will not do justice to your emotional needs. Don't sell yourself or your future short.

Knine

Deleted User wrote: »

This is very, very honest. Move on quickly, op. You will need support through life and if you're only going to be put second but expected to put your partner (and, in reality, her child) first, your resentment will only build. It's tough enough doing this with your own children, without the dynamics of some other man's child and his long-term involvement in your new family.

So, first and foremost think of how you'll feel always being second fiddle. I think we all deserve better than that if we are putting somebody else first. It would also be awful for you to find you are resentful down the road because of these unfulfilled needs, and her innocent child suffers. The child, too, deserves more than this.

Lastly, don't delude yourself with any of this nonsense like 'They won't be children forever'. They will always be their children, and you will always be second best. And even if they were to leave at 18 those years before of being second best will not do justice to your emotional needs. Don't sell yourself or your future short.

This is rubbish. I have dated a single parent. His children are all grown up now & I never felt second best. Instead I just got more wonderful people in my life. Very very negative generalizing.

Knine

Knine wrote: »

This is rubbish. I have dated a single parent. His children are all grown up now & I never felt second best. Instead I just got more wonderful people in my life. Very very negative generalizing.

Perhaps that's your truth, but as this thread shows there are more than enough people with a markedly different experience. As such, it's not the sort of thing the op should be leaving to chance by getting involved deeper with this person and a young child. Unless the op wants somebody else's ready-made family, there is zero point in settling for second best.

sportsfan90

Knine wrote: »

This is rubbish. I have dated a single parent. His children are all grown up now & I never felt second best. Instead I just got more wonderful people in my life. Very very negative generalizing.

With respect Knine I don't think you can say his post is "rubbish", it's based on his experience of dating single parents (twice). He never said that everybody should avoid it or that it never works out, he only stated his own reasons why it's no longer for him.

It has obviously worked out well for you which is fantastic. I'm not sure what age his children were when you got together but if they were a bit older I'd imagine that would be a bit easier for everyone. And maybe I'm wrong on this one but I also think it might be slightly easier for a woman to date a man with children than for a man to date a woman with children when you consider the mother is usually given primary custody.

Knine

sportsfan90 wrote: »

With respect Knine I don't think you can say his post is "rubbish", it's based on his experience of dating single parents (twice). He never said that everybody should avoid it or that it never works out, he only stated his own reasons why it's no longer for him.

It has obviously worked out well for you which is fantastic. I'm not sure what age his children were when you got together but if they were a bit older I'd imagine that would be a bit easier for everyone. And maybe I'm wrong on this one but I also think it might be slightly easier for a woman to date a man with children than for a man to date a woman with children when you consider the mother is usually given primary custody.

The issue is about being second best. In the right relationship you will not be made feel second best. I have lots of friends & family also in such relationships & there are no playing second fiddle.

Noo

OP you say you're 35.
Many single women in that age bracket will have had previous relationships, and any relationship in the previous 10 years (e.g. ages 26-36) may very well had lead to children. And most likely not yet teenagers given the age bracket.

I'm not saying that there is anything wrong with preference, just that the further he gets into his 30s the more likely the single women will be mothers.

OldMrBrennan83

Without reading through all the replies, from experience if the father is in the picture then it's awful and if he's gone/deceased/etc then it can work.

Knine

OldMrBrennan83 wrote: »

Without reading through all the replies, from experience if the father is in the picture then it's awful and if he's gone/deceased/etc then it can work.

Again vast generalizing. The father is in my kids lives & would have been frequently been ages chatting, having tea/beer with the boyfriend.

OldMrBrennan83

Knine wrote: »

Again vast generalizing. The father is in my kids lives & would have been frequently been ages chatting, having tea/beer with the boyfriend.

That's my experience, generalising or not. Unless you, me, or everyone else have experienced every situation then we're all generalising. Personal experience is all any of us have to go on.

Blueshoe

I'd be calling it quits if it were me. Sounds like hassle

LegacyUser

ElizaBennett wrote: »

You're having very negative thoughts about this, which is your right. my advice is to get out while you can. My partner had a 4 year old when we met, who is now 8 and it just gets harder and harder all the time. I'm on a lot of forums for stepparents and even the ones who are fond of the kids find it very very hard at times. I had NO IDEA how hard it would be. If I could wave a magic want so his child never existed I would do it in a heartbeat - and that's pretty dramatic. She has made my life so much harder than it ever had to be and is the number 1 stressor in my life - and that's followed a long way back by a very stressful job and loads of health issues and a son of my own with mental health problems. Don't let yourself stumble blindly into this. You will have a lot to do with the child and would most likely end up under the same roof if your relationship went the distance. Nightmare. Just move on to the next one with the awareness that this is one of your dealbreakers.

this is a horrific post ->i would be confident in saying the issue here isnt the 8 year old child anyway...

OP, its far too early to be worrying about these things, let it flow and see if you both even like each other and a relationship is possible - its all about context and every situation is unique. my wife had a 2 year old son when we met. he is super and i treat him as if he is my son and he sees me as his father, we have a great relationship and him being around has not negatively impacted on my life at all.

there will always be challenges in life, bad people around who make misery...normally its not the child that has impact in that at all. it doesnt matter who their parents are, the same challenges will be there.

i guess i was lucky that my wife always put our relationship first and didnt operate a seige mentality of "my child is my world, nothing else matters", her simple logic being that happy and strong relationship equals a happy child .

wiggle16

Thread locked as the OP hasn't been back since June.