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Child Support-Please read

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  • 25-10-2010 11:00am
    #1
    noel123ie
    Registered Users Posts: 285 ✭✭


    Hi

    Ive a 10 year old daughter who Ive paid support for since day 1.Ive had a history of having great difficulty getting visiting rights. I had to go to court to get access rights and even after this the childs mother would not bring child to ageeed meeting place or would arrive an hour after agreed meeting times or not at all(I do not live locally)

    I have not seen my daughter for 4 years as he mother was telling my daughter this I will evil and turning her against me so I thought it was in the best interest of my daughter to cut contact.

    The childs mother is now married and husband has taken on daughter as his own which is great.

    Ive just noticed that weekly maintance payment have failed and only reason I can work out is that mother is after closing account

    She has not contacted to ask why monies have not come through and has not passed on new account details.

    I want to pass on monies owed and continue payment so I will write to the childs mother-she has changed mobile numbers and I want something in writing. If she does not reply Ill get my solicitor to write so I have something down to cover me legally.

    Is this the best way to proceed?

    Thanks
    Noel


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Comments

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    #2
    alex73
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,731 ✭✭✭alex73


    Man... Can't you take a hint. You have not seen your daughter for 4 years.


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    #3
    noel123ie
    Registered Users Posts: 285 ✭✭noel123ie


    alex73 wrote: »
    Man... Can't you take a hint. You have not seen your daughter for 4 years.

    I took a hint four years ago but I have a moral and legal obligation to this child

    Thanks
    Noel


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    #4
    alex73
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,731 ✭✭✭alex73


    They obviously want nothing to do with you. I would suggest that you put the money aside for your daughter. Open a saving account in her name and send the payment there. If your ex-partner/Gfriend comes looking for the money, well its there. When you daughter comes looking for you, its also there and it shows that you were really concerned.


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    #5
    noel123ie
    Registered Users Posts: 285 ✭✭noel123ie


    alex73 wrote: »
    They obviously want nothing to do with you. I would suggest that you put the money aside for your daughter. Open a saving account in her name and send the payment there. If your ex-partner/Gfriend comes looking for the money, well its there. When you daughter comes looking for you, its also there and it shows that you were really concerned.

    ya I was thinking the same if daughter never tries to make contact I would send on a cheque for her 18th/21st birthday

    Thanks
    Noel


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    #6
    Klingon Hamlet
    Registered Users Posts: 2,734 ✭✭✭Klingon Hamlet


    What your child's mother has done is called Parental Alienation. It is crueland selfish, and it will backfire. Your daughter will eventually come to realise that you love her. My heart goes out to you. I hope everything works out sooner rather than later.


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    #7
    caseyann
    Closed Accounts Posts: 7,941 ✭✭✭caseyann


    noel123ie wrote: »
    Hi

    Ive a 10 year old daughter who Ive paid support for since day 1.Ive had a history of having great difficulty getting visiting rights. I had to go to court to get access rights and even after this the childs mother would not bring child to ageeed meeting place or would arrive an hour after agreed meeting times or not at all(I do not live locally)

    I have not seen my daughter for 4 years as he mother was telling my daughter this I will evil and turning her against me so I thought it was in the best interest of my daughter to cut contact.

    The childs mother is now married and husband has taken on daughter as his own which is great.

    Ive just noticed that weekly maintance payment have failed and only reason I can work out is that mother is after closing account

    She has not contacted to ask why monies have not come through and has not passed on new account details.

    I want to pass on monies owed and continue payment so I will write to the childs mother-she has changed mobile numbers and I want something in writing. If she does not reply Ill get my solicitor to write so I have something down to cover me legally.

    Is this the best way to proceed?

    Thanks
    Noel
    Tbh i think it is admirable and shows a very good character of you to be still wanting to help with your daughter.And if i was you perhaps you should legally follow through,and then give your daughter the option if she wants you around.
    It sounds like they are cutting you out which is not right and makes me sick that she has gone that far.If you try ringing perhaps and do it amicably one last time and ask for access.If she doesnt then take it to another level.
    It is beyond me why some women are so nasty and let children suffer and good fathers:(
    Maybe contact someone you both know?
    If you are good for your daughter every child should know their parents.
    Then continue on? Could be him interfering out of jealousy of you from past.
    good luck :)


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    #8
    The Corinthian
    Closed Accounts Posts: 19,777 ✭✭✭✭The Corinthian


    noel123ie wrote: »
    I have not seen my daughter for 4 years as he mother was telling my daughter this I will evil and turning her against me so I thought it was in the best interest of my daughter to cut contact.
    This happens, you can go to court, get a court order in your favour, and ultimately this is all worthless as it is never enforced. Eventually it can get too much for anyone, or worse still can cause more damage than good to continue trying.

    As KH pointed out, the mother has fostered parental alienation - she slowly and deliberately brain washes the child and eventually the child begins to reflect the mother's views, which she in turn takes as justification / validation for keeping the child from the father.
    I want to pass on monies owed and continue payment so I will write to the childs mother-she has changed mobile numbers and I want something in writing. If she does not reply Ill get my solicitor to write so I have something down to cover me legally.
    Good idea, as even if she has closed the account and gone to ground, you are the one in breach of any court order for maintenance.

    My guess is, if you are not a legal guardian, that she wants her new husband to formally adopt your child. She may even have already done so without informing you, although she has a legal obligation to 'consult' you (again not enforced).

    I would keep and collate all correspondence and evidence of your efforts over the years and keep paying your maintenance into an account for your child. Eventually, I would contact her directly when she is old enough to have direct contact with you. Then explain what happened, let her know that you tried, show her the evidence of this, let her know that you're there and always have been there for her and let her make up her own mind.

    Be prepaid to support her as your side of things and the evidence you'll provide may show that she's been lied to by her mother and this will no doubt be a difficult thing for her to deal with - another reason for waiting until she's older.

    Also make provisions that this information and the money goes to her in the event of your death before that time.

    Truth comes out in the end.


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    #9
    Joey the lips
    Registered Users Posts: 10,262 ✭✭✭✭Joey the lips


    I would not do much yet. There is ways to find out where she is. A solicitor or legal aid will tell you i am sure...

    I would not send any money to your daughter if she does not make contact with you. If as you say she is being poisioned against you I would imagine that an 18th or 21st will end up in the bin. Write her a letter. Send it by registered post. Dont be critical of her mother. Just tell her that time has passed and you want to make contact and keep in touch.

    Allow her the option of seeing you by agreeing to be in a set place. For example. I will be in McDonalds on sat morning 1st Dec at 11am type crap.

    Explain to her a lot has happened and all is not how it seemed....Take it from there.

    Just my opinion


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    #10
    metrovelvet
    Closed Accounts Posts: 9,376 ✭✭✭metrovelvet


    Joey the lips wrote: »
    I would not do much yet. There is ways to find out where she is. A solicitor or legal aid will tell you i am sure...

    I would not send any money to your daughter if she does not make contact with you. If as you say she is being poisioned against you I would imagine that an 18th or 21st will end up in the bin. Write her a letter. Send it by registered post. Dont be critical of her mother. Just tell her that time has passed and you want to make contact and keep in touch.

    Allow her the option of seeing you by agreeing to be in a set place. For example. I will be in McDonalds on sat morning 1st Dec at 11am type crap.

    Explain to her a lot has happened and all is not how it seemed....Take it from there.

    Just my opinion

    If the child is ten he may have a problem with this as adults and parents without custody agreements cant make invitations to minors without it being very very legally dodgy.

    And if the account is closed or the money is rejected it could mean that there are plans for adoption or that they have all left the country.


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    #11
    caseyann
    Closed Accounts Posts: 7,941 ✭✭✭caseyann


    metrovelvet wrote: »
    If the child is ten he may have a problem with this as adults and parents without custody agreements cant make invitations to minors without it being very very legally dodgy.

    And if the account is closed or the money is rejected it could mean that there are plans for adoption or that they have all left the country.

    And not knowing if your child is well or ill or something else terrible going on also.It is plain wrong for that mother to cut all contact of child and father.


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    #12
    Fittle
    Registered Users Posts: 2,775 ✭✭✭Fittle


    noel123ie wrote: »
    I have not seen my daughter for 4 years as he mother was telling my daughter this I will evil and turning her against me so I thought it was in the best interest of my daughter to cut contact.

    The childs mother is now married and husband has taken on daughter as his own which is great.
    Noel

    So perhaps I have a completely different perspective to others here - as I AM the mother of a child, in a similar situation.

    My reading of this OP, is that YOU stopped contact because her mother was telling her you were evil? At what point did you think that was the right thing to do - ever thought you should stick around to let the child know you're not actually evil?

    And then you say it's 'great' that another man has taken on the fathering of your child?? What's great about that??

    It seems to me like your happy this happened, and just want to fulfill your legal obligation to the child. I suppose that's better than nothing, but I'm surprised at the number of posters who think all of the above is acceptable behaviour.

    And 'the truth will come out in the end' ????

    The truth is that you walked away, because your ex was telling your young child you were evil, and you decided not to defend yourself, and that you're happy someone else has taken her on.

    Like I said, my child is in a similar situation. I'm (apparently) insane and he couldn't have 'dealt' with me, so chose to walk away too. He once told a judge he hopes I meet someone to help me raise 'the' (his) child:confused::confused:


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    #13
    metrovelvet
    Closed Accounts Posts: 9,376 ✭✭✭metrovelvet


    caseyann wrote: »
    And not knowing if your child is well or ill or something else terrible going on also.It is plain wrong for that mother to cut all contact of child and father.

    Maybe so. It is certainly sad, and without this making ANY comment on the OP or his situation, there are sometimes reasons for it which are not obvious to the outsider.


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    #14
    metrovelvet
    Closed Accounts Posts: 9,376 ✭✭✭metrovelvet


    Fittle wrote: »
    So perhaps I have a completely different perspective to others here - as I AM the mother of a child, in a similar situation.

    My reading of this OP, is that YOU stopped contact because her mother was telling her you were evil? At what point did you think that was the right thing to do - ever thought you should stick around to let the child know you're not actually evil?

    And then you say it's 'great' that another man has taken on the fathering of your child?? What's great about that??

    It seems to me like your happy this happened, and just want to fulfill your legal obligation to the child. I suppose that's better than nothing, but I'm surprised at the number of posters who think all of the above is acceptable behaviour.

    And 'the truth will come out in the end' ????

    The truth is that you walked away, because your ex was telling your young child you were evil, and you decided not to defend yourself, and that you're happy someone else has taken her on.

    Like I said, my child is in a similar situation. I'm (apparently) insane and he couldn't have 'dealt' with me, so chose to walk away too. He once told a judge he hopes I meet someone to help me raise 'the' (his) child:confused::confused:

    I dont buy this 'telling the child I was evil'. Any child of divorce, myself included, have heard any number of this back and forth badmouthing and you know what? It doesnt matter if you are around for your kids because they will SEE that you are not evil. Sounds like a cop out to me.


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    #15
    The Corinthian
    Closed Accounts Posts: 19,777 ✭✭✭✭The Corinthian


    Fittle wrote: »
    The truth is that you walked away, because your ex was telling your young child you were evil, and you decided not to defend yourself, and that you're happy someone else has taken her on.
    How can anyone defend themselves if they cannot even get access to the child? If anything they might send to the child gets intercepted and 'lost'? When any attempt to find an accommodation is blocked or sabotaged and even the courts cannot do anything?

    If a mother wants to block a father, she can do it, regardless of whether this is merited or not.

    Indeed, defending himself is questionable too, as this would inevitably mean defending himself against the mother with a young child, which would really make him no better than her.
    Like I said, my child is in a similar situation. I'm (apparently) insane and he couldn't have 'dealt' with me, so chose to walk away too.
    I have no idea if you're insane or not.

    However, it is not uncommon for some custodial parents to actively obstruct any kind of agreement, access or involvement, make things as difficult as possible for the non-custodial parent and then eventually - when that parent realizes that they're beating their head against a brick wall - the custodial parent can gleefully announce abandonment. They made sure of it.

    So it really comes down to the OP's particular situation. Maybe he's the bad guy, but it's also possible that he's not, that he did what he could, but when you play with an empty hand against a vindictive sociopath, there's only so much you can do.


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    #16
    Fittle
    Registered Users Posts: 2,775 ✭✭✭Fittle


    The Corinthian wrote: »
    How can anyone defend themselves if they cannot even get access to the child? If anything they might send to the child gets intercepted and 'lost'? When any attempt to find an accommodation is blocked or sabotaged and even the courts cannot do anything?

    If a mother wants to block a father, she can do it, regardless of whether this is merited or not.

    Indeed, defending himself is questionable too, as this would inevitably mean defending himself against the mother with a young child, which would really make him no better than her.

    I have no idea if you're insane or not.

    However, it is not uncommon for some custodial parents to actively obstruct any kind of agreement, access or involvement, make things as difficult as possible for the non-custodial parent and then eventually - when that parent realizes that they're beating their head against a brick wall - the custodial parent can gleefully announce abandonment. They made sure of it.

    So it really comes down to the OP's particular situation. Maybe he's the bad guy, but it's also possible that he's not, that he did what he could, but when you play with an empty hand against a vindictive sociopath, there's only so much you can do.

    I'll give you my GP's number. No diagnosis of insanity just yet:rolleyes::rolleyes:

    And from the OP's thread, where he clearly states that HE chose to cut contact and that he thinks its GREAT that another man is raising his child, you have diagnosed his ex as a vindictive sociopath. Interesting indeed.

    What's the odds the maintenance the OP pays is court ordered also. I just don't buy the 'my ex says I'm evil, so for the sake of the child, I'm walking away'


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    #17
    Nevyn
    Closed Accounts Posts: 43,045 ✭✭✭✭Nevyn


    Hang on, there is nothing wrong with expressing that it is good that his daughter is being accepted by her mother's new partner/husband, it is good that the child is cared for and that the mother's new parter is accepting and supporting her.

    I don't think any parent would want their child living with a person who can not stand them and considers them to be a impediment or an inconvenience.

    In this case he is trying to forfill his obligations and it is the mother who is freezing him out and trying to pretend he does not exist as he ruins her picture perfect ideal family.

    At this stage I would be going via the courts and I would have been contacting socail workers.


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    #18
    metrovelvet
    Closed Accounts Posts: 9,376 ✭✭✭metrovelvet


    Thaedydal wrote: »
    Hang on, there is nothing wrong with expressing that it is good that his daughter is being accepted by her mother's new partner/husband, it is good that the child is cared for and that the mother's new parter is accepting and supporting her.

    I don't think any parent would want their child living with a person who can not stand them and considers them to be a impediment or an inconvenience.

    In this case he is trying to forfill his obligations and it is the mother who is freezing him out and trying to pretend he does not exist as he ruins her picture perfect ideal family.

    At this stage I would be going via the courts and I would have been contacting socail workers.

    You would do that SIX years later?

    OP has the family a way of contacting you? Maybe they moved or switched banks but cant locate you?

    I wouldnt bring in all guns blazing with courts and social workers after you havent seen the kid in six years.


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    #19
    Nevyn
    Closed Accounts Posts: 43,045 ✭✭✭✭Nevyn


    If he can't track or trace his child and his mother has gone to ground then yes I would.


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    #20
    Fittle
    Registered Users Posts: 2,775 ✭✭✭Fittle


    Why on earth would the OP contact social workers? He's happy that the child is being raised by another man, in another family situation.

    His only issue here is that his maintenance is getting through - he said he wants something in writing from his ex, obviously should he end up back in court.

    And he's only guessing that she has closed that bank account, he doesn't know this for sure - any chance you could contact your own bank and see what's happening your end - they could possibly tell you if the bank account is closed or not. Or perhaps it's a technical error.


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    #21
    metrovelvet
    Closed Accounts Posts: 9,376 ✭✭✭metrovelvet


    If it is a case of court ordered maintenance maybe go back to the court and explain what has happenned and ask the judge what you should do.


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    #22
    Fittle
    Registered Users Posts: 2,775 ✭✭✭Fittle


    noel123ie wrote: »

    I want to pass on monies owed and continue payment so I will write to the childs mother-she has changed mobile numbers and I want something in writing. If she does not reply Ill get my solicitor to write so I have something down to cover me legally.

    Thanks
    Noel

    And where did he say he cannot track or trace the child and the mother has gone to ground:confused: She's changed her mobile - not emigrated to outer mongolia:rolleyes:


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    #23
    The Corinthian
    Closed Accounts Posts: 19,777 ✭✭✭✭The Corinthian


    Fittle wrote: »
    And from the OP's thread, where he clearly states that HE chose to cut contact and that he thinks its GREAT that another man is raising his child, you have diagnosed his ex as a vindictive sociopath. Interesting indeed.
    He chose to cut contact because not only was he getting nowhere, but it was causing more harm and good - a detail in his story you are conveniently omitting.

    I also never diagnosed she was a vindictive sociopath - I was highlighting that we don't know and she could be, just as he could be the bad guy. We can only take his account at his word as he's the one looking for advice.
    What's the odds the maintenance the OP pays is court ordered also. I just don't buy the 'my ex says I'm evil, so for the sake of the child, I'm walking away'
    I know you don't buy it, but I pointed out how this can be the case and his situation could well qualify. Simply dismissing it is not good enough.

    And unless we have evidence that he's being dishonest in his account there is no more reason to assume that he is than there is that your ex is correct about your sanity.


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    #24
    Nevyn
    Closed Accounts Posts: 43,045 ✭✭✭✭Nevyn


    If I was the non custodial parent who was being denied access and frozen out and I was able to fight my corner you bet your arse I would be moving heaven and hell to be in contact with my child and to ensure that if my being in thier life was being blocked and that the maintance I was paying was being rejected in such a manner and the other parent had changed thier phone number with out saying anything then if I felt it was warrented I would be going via the courts and contacting socail workers if needed, and my child's school and dr who ever I could contact to find out about my child.


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    #25
    metrovelvet
    Closed Accounts Posts: 9,376 ✭✭✭metrovelvet


    Thaedydal wrote: »
    If I was the non custodial parent who was being denied access and frozen out and I was able to fight my corner you bet your arse I would be moving heaven and hell to be in contact with my child and to ensure that if my being in thier life was being blocked and that the maintance I was paying was being rejected in such a manner and the other parent had changed thier phone number with out saying anything then if I felt it was warrented I would be going via the courts and contacting socail workers if needed, and my child's school and dr who ever I could contact to find out about my child.

    But that's YOU. Some people aren't arsed.


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    #26
    Nevyn
    Closed Accounts Posts: 43,045 ✭✭✭✭Nevyn


    Lots of people aren't me and there were times in my life I wasn't able or strong enough to fight my corner, and yes lots of people aren't me which is why the family courts needs to be reformed to allow parents equal say and equal access to thier own flesh and blood and to remove rights and access to unfit parents.

    Parent should not be freezing out the other parent unless there has been a clear threath or danger to the child which as been proved to the courts.


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    #27
    metrovelvet
    Closed Accounts Posts: 9,376 ✭✭✭metrovelvet


    Thaedydal wrote: »
    Lots of people aren't me and there were times in my life I wasn't able or strong enough to fight my corner, and yes lots of people aren't me which is why the family courts needs to be reformed to allow parents equal say and equal access to thier own flesh and blood and to remove rights and access to unfit parents.

    Parent should not be freezing out the other parent unless there has been a clear threath or danger to the child which as been proved to the courts.

    Your right, they shouldnt but we dont know that for certain here. No point in jumping to conclusions to make things worse. How stupid would he look if after a six year absence going in with courts and social workers to find its either a miscommunication or a technical glitch in a switch current account changeover.

    Or maybe she gave up too.


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    #28
    Nevyn
    Closed Accounts Posts: 43,045 ✭✭✭✭Nevyn


    There is no statute of limitations on having a relationship with your child.
    William Shater has recently reconciled with his Daughter who is in her 40s as
    due to the toxic nature of his divorce from her mother and the fall out afterwards he
    wasn't able to be in her life.


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    #29
    Fittle
    Registered Users Posts: 2,775 ✭✭✭Fittle


    'And unless we have evidence that he's being dishonest in his account there is no more reason to assume that he is than there is that your ex is correct about your sanity.'

    Clever use of words there.

    The OP never said he was being 'denied access' or being 'frozen out'. He said his ex was often an hour late. And that she was calling him evil. And so, he CHOSE to walk away and that it's 'great' that another man is raising his child.

    His concern in THIS post is that his maintenance is not being accepted, and so he is wondering if writing to his ex would be a way to keep a record of the fact that she's not accepting it, rather than him not giving it. This is no doubt, so that should the maintenance order go back to court at any point, he will have written proof that he was still willing to give it. This isn't about him wanting access to his child. He gave up on his child years ago.

    The woman changed her mobile number and is now married, perhaps she has another child/ren. The OP knows where she lives, because he said he's writing to her. He hasn't been in contact with his daughter for SIX YEARS. And 6yrs later your advice, as the moderator of the parenting section Thaedyl, is to involve social workers and the courts????

    And for the record, I agree wholeheartedly that the courts are a joke, and should at the very least, give both parents equal guardianship of a child at birth. This would be the best thing that could happen in this country, for fathers who want relationships with their children, and for children who want relationships with their fathers.


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    #30
    Nevyn
    Closed Accounts Posts: 43,045 ✭✭✭✭Nevyn


    He didn't give up on the child he bowed out due to the pressure being put on him to do so by the mother of his child who was indulging in the tatics of Parental alienation
    Parental alienation is a social dynamic, generally occurring due to divorce or separation, when a child expresses unjustified hatred or unreasonably strong dislike of one parent, making access by the rejected parent difficult or impossible. These feelings may be influenced by negative comments by the other parent and by the characteristics, such as lack of empathy and warmth, of the rejected parent.

    Rather then distress the child he let there be distance that doesn't mean he doesn't want a realtionship with his child now nor does it mean that he will not look to renew his relationship with his child later when the child is less likely to be easily influeneced by the mother.

    Being able to pay maintence means he can show that he did at least soemthing to support his child while he was refused access and visition by the mother.
    noel123ie wrote: »
    Hi

    Ive a 10 year old daughter who Ive paid support for since day 1.Ive had a history of having great difficulty getting visiting rights. I had to go to court to get access rights and even after this the childs mother would not bring child to ageeed meeting place or would arrive an hour after agreed meeting times or not at all(I do not live locally)

    I have not seen my daughter for 4 years as he mother was telling my daughter this I will evil and turning her against me so I thought it was in the best interest of my daughter to cut contact.

    If I were the non custodial parent and I was unable to get in touch with the other parent and the bank account seemed closed and the phone number was changed, if needs be I would go as far as getting the garda to call to the family home in fear that they had left the country with out telling me.


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    #31
    Fittle
    Registered Users Posts: 2,775 ✭✭✭Fittle


    Thaedydal wrote: »
    He didn't give up on the child he bowed out due to the pressure being put on him to do so by the mother of his child who was indulging in the tatics of Parental alienation



    Rather then distress the child he let there be distance that doesn't mean he doesn't want a realtionship with his child now nor does it mean that he will not look to renew his relationship with his child later when the child is less likely to be easily influeneced by the mother.

    Being able to pay maintence means he can show that he did at least soemthing to support his child while he was refused access and visition by the mother.



    If I were the non custodial parent and I was unable to get in touch with the other parent and the bank account seemed closed and the phone number was changed, if needs be I would go as far as getting the garda to call to the family home in fear that they had left the country with out telling me.


    She indulged in Parental Alienation? Another americanism to make it easy for fathers to abandon their chilren - that's the best I've heard yet:rolleyes::rolleyes:

    How do you know he didn't want to distress the child? If he actually cared about the child, his instinct would have been to stick around to potentially protect her from her mother who was doing what she was doing.

    And being able to pay maintenance etc - he was ordered by a judge to pay maintenance!!


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