Maintenance Recovery Letter (ExGirl Friend advice)

LegacyUser · 07-12-2005 10:04pm #1

Maintenance Recovery Section (need lots of advice)

Before I start forgive my typing as I’m not great at it.

Hope someone out there can help me out, but before I type on - please don’t judge me as it how I feel.

I received a letter from the department of social and family affairs regarding Maintenance Recovery,
As I read the letter I seen the applicants name was my ex girl friend that I used to date about year and half ago,
I was only with her for about six months then the relationship ended as it was going know where.
This was due to the fact that I found out she constantly lied to me about (everything) long story…
But needless to say, I was so concerned about her ‘at the time ’I arranged to meet her parents to find
Out if there was any problems she might have been keeping from me, they told me that she was in a abusive
Relationship and she is seeing counselling because of it. (in there words she’s a very ill person).. they also gave me the impression
To stay away from her. I didn’t know about this as she never told me. i tried to help her as much as I could, but had no joy.
Because of this I ended it, and was happy to do so as I was making myself sick trying to get somewhere and not.
I had reached the end of my tolerance and I believe all relationships should be trustworthy and this one never would be.
I’ll just say one more thing, during the relationship, it was sexual, and maybe four or five times we didn’t used condoms
However her assured me from the beginning that she had the coil fitted, and we didn’t need to used anything, I trusted her
but still used condoms as I felt better to do so. Having said that there was times we didn’t. so if lied about being protected
then her could have conceived, and kept it to her self.

So it’s a year on and I’m in a new relationship that great, and I’ve never been happier.
However today I received a latter – from the department of social and family, as my ex girl friend had filed
For one parent family payment, and named me as the father. ( what does one say to that) as I had know idea that
She could have been pregnant, understandable I’ve been in shock all day as I’m unsure what to do.
I phoned a very good mate of mine who is separated from has ex, and also knows a lot about the SW system –
I told him I feel bad about saying this but I don’t want anything to do with her or the child, so what do I do??
He said that from what he knows the Maintenance Recovery Section issue letters as per the single mother signing a fathers
Name on applying for one parent allowance, and they then look up the fathers name on there system, then send a Maintenance
Recovery form the that person, he said not to worry and not to respond to any letters they send, the Maintenance Recovery Section
Will send about 5 to 6 letters and if I fail respond to each letter, the Maintenance Recovery Section will threaten to summons me to court.
However it’s just a bluff as it’s far to cost effective to do so, and as well as being against your constitutional rights.

Can anyone give me more advice on this please.

Thank you.

Nevyn · 07-12-2005 10:34pm

I'd write to them and tell them you don't have any children as far as you are aware.
That you knew they young lady but was unaware that she had any offspring at all never mind one that she is claiming is yours.
That you have never been aproached about this allegded child or been approached to have your name down as the father on a birth cert for any child let alone this one.

You can not be chased legally for maintence until you claim the child as your own or it is proven in court that it is yours.

LegacyUser · 07-12-2005 11:45pm

I know what your saying, but if I write to the department and say I’m not the father, then I’m pretty sure they will say the owenisess
Is on me to prove that I’m not, therefore I’d have to take her to court in order to disprove I’m not the father.
And that would probably come down to the judge ordering a DNA test. (And I don’t want that.) (After all it her word against mine until a test is done.)

She does know I’ve been contacted, - she just named me on the form, in order to claim single one parent allowance, that’s why the SW recovery section
Sent me out the letter.
It would be a different story if she went into the family courts and filed for a maintenance order, as I would be summonsed into court then.

I just got of the phone with the fathers group of Ireland and they said that the SW recovery section will pay her regardless, and will never summons me into court.
As it’s to costly, in there words (there is about 58’000 unmarried mothers claiming single one parent allowance, and if they where to take all the fathers into court
Then in would cost the state millions. That’s why they just say they will, but never file for a court date. ( it’s like this ‘’I think’’ they send the letters out to the named
Guy’s and see what happens ‘’will he be worried and return a call or write back disputing it’’. By do nothing’’ the only choice the SW have is to file the court’s, summonsing me to court. But the fathers group has said they have yet to do that. – resin being it costs money..
If all this is true then what a country we live in, and fu**ed up system we have.

I just hope it’s true, and I don’t end up getting a summoned to attend court. Because I want knotting more to do with her. ( the fathers group said no-one has yet bin summons ) and that’s good enough for me.

If any out there knows someone who has gone through this then please reply.

07-12-2005 11:48pm

Thats absolute F*****G B*****x
Omg the **** some women think they can get away with

Hon ya should know if ya never signed a birthcert or saw ur name being put on one
You dont owe her or the kid f**k all

Not to be not supportive or anythin to womankind or single mothers in general
but the things ive heard regarding maintenence and kids jesus !!!!

denissilver · 08-12-2005 12:13am

Surely your missing the point here.Its fine that you dont want anything to do with your ex or the child BUT if the child is yours you should help pay to bring it up in some comfort.You cant blame the child for being conceived,Get a test and pay up if its yours you cant expect everyone else to pay for your mistakes.If its not yours let the sw know

Mina Loy · 08-12-2005 1:03am

The plain and simple answer is:

1. Do what you suggested yourself and write to the social (writing is always better than calling, believe me)

2. Send it registered post and keep a copy yourself

3. Send a registered copy of the exact same letter to her

4. If she takes you to court, which she will have to (if you dispute the child is yours), or if you take her to court , ask for a D.N.A test

If you think about it, would you rather pay 18 years of child support and be attached to this woman in some way for the rest of your life or spend some time in court getting it sorted out? Saying you 'don't want it to go there' is silly IMO. It has to go there if the kid isin't yours.

5. It turns out to be yours be a man and do the right thing ..even if you don't like her, the kid is a part of you

Mina Loy · 08-12-2005 1:05am

coolsmileygirl wrote:

Thats absolute F*****G B*****x
Omg the **** some women think they can get away with

Hon ya should know if ya never signed a birthcert or saw ur name being put on one
You dont owe her or the kid f**k all

Not to be not supportive or anythin to womankind or single mothers in general
but the things ive heard regarding maintenence and kids jesus !!!!

I have to say that was pretty harsh and a bit off topic.. I'm not a single mother..but..meh.. that's not the issue , he sounds like he needs serious advice.

Anyway I'll be quiet, don't mean to be rude:v:

Sleepy · 08-12-2005 1:11am

Do you not think you owe it to your potential son or daughter to be part of their life?

Do you realise how selfish you're being? If the kid is yours, you are obliged to support it but it seems you'd rather that the Irish taxpayer carried the can for you.

I honestly hope the child isn't yours because shocked or not, you're displaying a terrible reaction to the news that you could be a father.

LegacyUser · 08-12-2005 1:17am

You sound more concerned about the money. If the kid is yours you should help pay for it and you should be part of its life. Arent you curious that you are a father?

If you are unsure that it is yours you should get a paternity test.

Sysiphus · 08-12-2005 1:41am

Couple of things,

1) S/W have a bank of lawyers on staff so I can't imagine that costs of court are an issue for them.

2) you don't want a dna test "And that would probably come down to the judge ordering a DNA test. (And I don’t want that.) (After all it her word against mine until a test is done.)" why?? if as according to the "law" regardless of the science, it proves your not the dada then go and get the test if your Absolutely sure the little miracle is not yours!!

3) If you do get called to court so what? if you are in the clear, go through it and clear yourself (and her) up!

LegacyUser · 08-12-2005 1:50am

I welcome your views ‘’but come-on’’ get real’’ i was tricked by her’’ just because the child could be mine-or lets say it is mine? Does that mean I have to put up with paying her money, for the guts of 18 years - she lied to me and never told me the truth. F*ck her, she obviously lied to me and fully intended to get pregnant.
So i spend my life involved with her, or are you saying I just pay money and not be involved as I owe it to the child??? B*****x B*****x B*****x. Just pay money for being tricked by a deceitful girl.

i'd rather go to prison,

then be connected to that deceitful bitch.

Con…As you can imagine’’ I’ve been going crazy since I read this letter this morning, and it looks like and very much like she’s sick in the head,
To do this to me and never say, even after she had the child, is wrong, why would someone even think of doing this.
I’m feeling so mad right now, it’s not right, and if the child is mine, then it’s been brought into this world with a mother like that.
The thing is I love kids, and would to have one’’ one day, but be in a proper and loving relationship, not this sh*t. being with someone who is
Clearly mad.
I know a lot about the law in this country is and I’m fu*ked if I have to go to court, as a judge will order me to pay maintains once the child is DNA’d
Once I can avoid court then I’m out of the loop. You see the thing is that most of the guys that the SW maintenance recovery section write to are unemployed
Where I’m in a good job, and my fear is they will see that, and decide, to file in the courts: if that happens then my only defence is to challenge it under the
Constitutional rights, and request it goes to the supreme court. And that’s very costly for the social welfare.

pbsuxok1znja4r · 08-12-2005 3:52am

Sleepy wrote:

Do you not think you owe it to your potential son or daughter to be part of their life?

Do you realise how selfish you're being? If the kid is yours, you are obliged to support it but it seems you'd rather that the Irish taxpayer carried the can for you.

I honestly hope the child isn't yours because shocked or not, you're displaying a terrible reaction to the news that you could be a father.

It's not like he's living in the ideal circumstances with the mother and son, though, is it? What he's having a 'terrible reaction' to, is the prospect of having to pay maintenance for a child of a woman he neither loves nor has a relationship with, that might not be his, that he might not even be allowed to see. If you ask me, his 'terrible reaction' is pretty goddamn appropriate, given the circumstances.

lazydaisy · 08-12-2005 5:00am

Im guessing your mostly concerned about the money? Well if its yours you should be paying something towards it. If your not sure that its yours than you should get a paternity test done.

rrrrr · 08-12-2005 5:45am

1. Always use a condom

2. be a fu*king man and take care of your own flesh and blood if it i yours. You really are a pitiful human being if you don't want anything to do with your own child

3. ALWAYS use a condom

pbsuxok1znja4r · 08-12-2005 6:02am

rrrrr wrote:

ALWAYS use a condom

Eh bit late there mate. The kid's already born, and I think he knows that at this stage.
[off-topic: why do you go unreg when posting in other people's threads in PI?]

turbot · 08-12-2005 8:49am

In my mind there are a couple of important issues here:

1) During the relationship, she advised you that she was taking thorough preventative birth control measures. You did not set out to get her pregnant, and arguably were sexually responsible in not using condoms *because* you trusted she had appropriate contraceptive measures in place.

2) This is the first you've heard about it and the first you know about it.
It seems like a ridiculous and unfair context to informed about something like this, and also the purpose of this is for her financial support, and not for your meaningful involvement at any other level.

3) Based upon what you've said about her, you can't be sure the baby is even yours, and based on (mis)communication with you, this puts you under pressure and in a position of responsibility your behaviour doesn't entirely warrant.

For your sake, I'd advise getting a DNA test done anyway, outside of a court environment. If you can't trust her to communicate with you responsibly, at the very least you need to know where you stand. A human life is a big deal, and you need to know where you stand. So as step 1, *get clarity* and *get a DNA test*. You need this before you can make wise decisions.

If the baby is not yours, sad though her situation is, you are out of the picture completely, legally and morally.

If the baby, however is yours, then you need to figure out where you stand in relation to this and act wisely.

If her purpose of contact is purely seeking financial support, and she didn't have the birth control measures she discussed in place, then her behaviour seems to be immoral and unfair.

I don't know how you stand legally, but in my mind, that she communicated dishonestly should be a mitigating factor in whatever financial commitment results. At the same time, this kid is part of you, and it's natural for you to want the best for it.

Part of this is I'd guess she needs serious help herself, so aside from the financial requirements she has, for the sake of the kids wellbeing she needs to sort herself out. If it does come to a court case or financial support issue, I think you are entitled to be open about this situation, and request that any financial support you offer is on the basis she goes to counselling and gets her life together, for the sake of your kid. I don't think this is unreasonable, and her parents would probably encouage this also.

To summarise:
- You need to get as much clarity about the situation as possible, including organising a DNA test, getting your ex to tell you the truth about her birth control measures, and beyond that getting legal and ethical advice

- If the baby is yours, you need to make an ethical decision about the situation. My take is this girl needs to sort herself out just as much as she needs financial support, so you should push for this to happen. It's reasonable that you also get your life together as much as possible, so you can also emotionally support the child, albeit from a distance. In terms of any financial settlement regarding maintenance agreements, her lack of / dishonest communications with you should certainly be a mitigating factor in terms of your responsibility. At the same time, you should want the best for the kid.

RainyDay · 08-12-2005 9:21am

Start taking responsibility for your own actions. You chose to have unprotected sex. Regardless of what she told you, if she has now given birth to your child, you have a responsibility to that child. Don't blame the child for her deviousness or your stupidity.

Go talk to her. Get a DNA test if that's what it takes to confirm whether it's your baby. If it is your child, pay for it for the next 20 years approx.

galwaydude · 08-12-2005 9:26am

first of all, i was in a slightly similar position a few years ago.

I think what you need to do is contact the girl or her parents and find out if the child is really yours. Find out what age the child is. The you can figure out if the child is really yours.

If she plays hardball then go for a dna test because at the end of the day there are two options, shes either lying and yes women lie im afraid or the child is yours. If so take responsibilty even though that may be hard considering she may be still an unstable person and probably at some level still have feelings for you.

Also make sure you tell your current gf about the situation. Im sorry but she could be just using you.

Squirrel · 08-12-2005 9:31am

How old is the kid? Where you with her 9 months previous? You said you were with her a year and a half ago for 6 months. So either you broke up a year, or a year and a half ago. If the kid is younger than 3 months he/she shouldn't be yours. If he/she's older than that and you don't want to pay go to court and brng up that you've only heard about this now, she's only after your money. Could work. You never know. Good luck

LegacyUser · 08-12-2005 11:34am

sounds to me like you're simply trying to justify not paying maintanance and living up to your responsability.

pretty low dude

Beruthiel · 08-12-2005 11:45am

you've learned the hard way with regards to what happens when it comes to having unprotected sex.

right now you're thrown for six.
give yourself some time to think.
regardless of the fact that this girl has been far from straight with you, has acted very badly, the question still remains, is this child yours?
and what if it is yours?
like it or not, as the father you are now responsible for it.
at some stage in the future this child will want to know where his father is, he will want to know you.
Whither you want this or not is not the question any more, it's here, it's happened and you just have to deal with it.
Remember, at the end of the day, none of this stupid carry on is the childs fault, he is innocent in the whole thing and you must make yourself understand this.
think about all of the above before making any rash decisions.

Sleepy · 08-12-2005 11:45am

Guest 510 wrote:

I welcome your views ‘’but come-on’’ get real’’ i was tricked by her’’ just because the child could be mine-or lets say it is mine? Does that mean I have to put up with paying her money, for the guts of 18 years - she lied to me and never told me the truth. F*ck her, she obviously lied to me and fully intended to get pregnant.
So i spend my life involved with her, or are you saying I just pay money and not be involved as I owe it to the child??? B*****x B*****x B*****x. Just pay money for being tricked by a deceitful girl.
i'd rather go to prison,
then be connected to that deceitful bitch.

Well, I'd rater my tax was better spent than arresting you because you'd rather go to jail than support your child. You can't blame the child for the sins of the mother.

Con…As you can imagine’’ I’ve been going crazy since I read this letter this morning, and it looks like and very much like she’s sick in the head,
To do this to me and never say, even after she had the child, is wrong, why would someone even think of doing this.
I’m feeling so mad right now, it’s not right, and if the child is mine, then it’s been brought into this world with a mother like that.
The thing is I love kids, and would to have one’’ one day, but be in a proper and loving relationship, not this sh*t. being with someone who is
Clearly mad.

You love kids but are prepared to leave a child that could well be yours with someone who is "clearly mad"? Get the DNA test done. If the child's not yours fair enough, it's not on your conciense, but if it is you have a legal and moral responsibility to help raise it or at the very least, provide it's mother with the financial ability to raise it.

I know a lot about the law in this country is and I’m fu*ked if I have to go to court, as a judge will order me to pay maintains once the child is DNA’d
Once I can avoid court then I’m out of the loop. You see the thing is that most of the guys that the SW maintenance recovery section write to are unemployed
Where I’m in a good job, and my fear is they will see that, and decide, to file in the courts: if that happens then my only defence is to challenge it under the Constitutional rights, and request it goes to the supreme court. And that’s very costly for the social welfare.

There may be a legal defence if the DNA test proves that your the father but there's certainly no moral defence for what you're attempting to do.

The Clown Man · 08-12-2005 11:51am

You have a really sh*tty situation there but in fairness if the kid is yours and you chose to have unprotected sex with your mad ex then you have put yourself in the position. Don't forget that. I mean, she may have lied to you but think about how careful you were being at the time you decided to go ahead without protection. Obviously not very. That was your mistake. She may be going straight to hell but you f*ucked up. That is the way it is going to stay I'm afraid.

Unless of course you find that the kid is not yours.

Iago · 08-12-2005 1:01pm

One of two scenarios, you're the father or you're not.

If you're not the father a DNA test will clear this up and you won't have to worry about it again.

If you are the father then you should be paying maintenance and as a result of paying maintenance you should also go to court to establish visitation rights, your name on the birth cert and your parental rights regarding the direction of the childs life.

If you are unwilling to pay maintenance and be involved in your childs life then you're not worth my energy in providing support and information. It's up to you, do you want to be a man or a scumbag?

txt_mess · 08-12-2005 1:34pm

Get on to the social welfare and say your willing to get a paternity test done as you don't believe its your child they'll probably be more then delighted to sort it out and pay for it and it might get your ex to "back out" of the lie.

Other side of the arguement is as you have had sex there is always a chance whether you use every form of contraception ( they all have failure rates) so before you get too worked up bear in mind it is possible it's yours.

Personnally in your situation I would get it sorted as soon as possible if one letter can get you this wound up getting many letters and summons's to court won't do any good for your stress levels.

angeldelight · 08-12-2005 1:48pm

What I find interesting is that you say you love kids and definitely want to have one sometime, when you're in a happy relationship - that's when most people want to have children but it doesn't always go to plan. Does the thought that you possibly have a child you've never met not get to you a little bit? If you think that his mother is "mad", are you fully prepared to take the chance that your child is being brought up by her?

I think you need to find out if he's yours or not. If he's not, ok fair enough but if he is wouldn't you like to get to know him? It may not have been planned but that doesn't mean it has to be the end of the world!

Mina Loy · 08-12-2005 1:55pm

Guest 510 wrote:

I welcome your views ‘’but come-on’’ get real’’ i was tricked by her’’ just because the child could be mine-or lets say it is mine? Does that mean I have to put up with paying her money, for the guts of 18 years - she lied to me and never told me the truth. F*ck her, she obviously lied to me and fully intended to get pregnant.
So i spend my life involved with her, or are you saying I just pay money and not be involved as I owe it to the child??? B*****x B*****x B*****x. Just pay money for being tricked by a deceitful girl.
i'd rather go to prison,
then be connected to that deceitful bitch.

YES YOU HAVE TO. It's the law..even if you'd prefer to go to prison, even if your family supported you in it, eventually they'd just tell you to grow up and take responsibility for your actions. Even if she did tell you she had the coil fitted, and if you did use condoms, there is always, ALWAYS a chance something will happen, I'm sure you're intelligent enough to realise that. As someone else said, it's not the kids fault it was born, it didn't ask to be, so why should it suffer just because of your spite?

Sorry that sounds really harsh but I really think you should just be a man and deal with it and get over it, if that means paying every month til it's 18 then do it...you;ve kind of forgotten that you also get something out of it, a relationship with YOUR child.

*Page* · 10-12-2005 12:37am

Its been a while since i posted here but just thought i'd say something about this issue...

1st off if you were dumb enough not to understand what birth control she was using then you are dumb enough to get her pregnant. The coil is only fitted to mother. its a rare rare thing for a coil to be fitted to an untouched womb.

2nd who cares if you were f(uk)ked over by this girl. you had sex with her. using any form of contraception can lead to pregnancy as i know. i'm a mum of a 5year old and the time that i had sex we used condoms.

3rd just to let you know, you cannot be on the birth cert, you need to be there physically to have your name placed on it.

4th for the sake of the child go get it sorted, call to her parents house talk to them again tell them whats happening.

Before you got that letter your x gf was told to try and contact you. she told them she either couldn't contact you or that you were not willing to co-operate.

get your self a good solicitor (50 an hour) and get it sorted.

Enii · 10-12-2005 12:59am

*Page* wrote:

1st off if you were dumb enough not to understand what birth control she was using then you are dumb enough to get her pregnant. The coil is only fitted to mother. its a rare rare thing for a coil to be fitted to an untouched womb.

.

The coil is indeed fitted to women who haven't had children. It can actually be fitted to "bring on a period", if unprotected sex has taken place and the 72 hr morning after pill time has passed.

Aside from all that, the original poster should really go get a DNA test. find out if he is the Dad or not. If he is not the Dad, walk away. If he is the Dad, pay up for the care of HIS child.

lazydaisy · 10-12-2005 1:07am

*Page* wrote:

1st off if you were dumb enough not to understand what birth control she was using then you are dumb enough to get her pregnant. The coil is only fitted to mother. its a rare rare thing for a coil to be fitted to an untouched womb.

.

Is that true? My GP talked to me about the coil and I'm not a mother or have ever been pregnant.

Sorry to go off topic but I have to ask that.

OP- I bet you werent calling her a crazy bitch when she was naked and under you and you weren't wearing a condom.

MF2HD · 10-12-2005 1:17am

http://www.welfare.ie/foi/swi_liabmainfam.html#ap1

to the OP get some actual facts together before you start having a nervous breakdown Ask some pqople who Actually know what to do not people giving random advice. This is a very serious potentially life changing experience you're having. Go to a professional.

Maintenance Recovery Letter (ExGirl Friend advice)

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