Are my grandparents being too relaxed about this situation?

Ursus Horribilis · 14-10-2019 2:36pm

And then what?

14-10-2019 2:39pm

i dont see how anything you are seeking is going to help you one iota.

the advice you are getting to let it all go and move ln with the pieces of your life and your family that make you happy is very good advice.

you say you dont think you can do that, but nobody else is going to help you with any of the other outcomes and you are the only person who can make the changes you need here.

chris525 · 14-10-2019 2:41pm

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

And then what?

I don't know. I mean if my father at least does something or at least feels the slightest bit bad and wants to attempt to build a bridge then maybe I can cope better with everything else.

He did ask for my number when I was 18 but I had my reasons for saying no. It turns out that that was when my half-brother turned about 5 and that was the last time he was involved with me at all (ghosts came back?).

Who knows maybe this situation can be salvageable if he takes some action.

JeffKenna · 14-10-2019 5:09pm

chris525 wrote: »

I want them to grill him and tell him off, tell him what a dirtbag he is and then at least criticize his actions to me. At least share their opinion about his actions.

In my heart I hope someone in the family (maybe a sibling) won't be able to forgive him.

I dunno, life is complicated and I doubt you know half the story of what happened. Most of the info your have seems to be coming from your mother and the stuff like your dad attending drug rebab is questionable as to whether it happened.
You appear to be blinded by hate, believe it or not there's a high chance this man isn't a dirtbag and is a decent honest person.

Ursus Horribilis · 14-10-2019 6:28pm

Even if your father isn't an upstanding citizen, there's a possibility he isn't the dirtbag you believe he is. It's ironic how you are lambasting his parents for not tearing him a new one while you stay in touch with your mother. You've said you hope she'll change or have an epiphany. Perhaps the grandparents have the same thoughts about your father. Why is it one rule for you and a different one for them?

Flippyfloppy · 15-10-2019 7:30am

chris525 wrote: »

As I said before, if we're just random strangers then they should act like it and stop saying that they are crying etc. and stop saying 'love grandma & grandpa' etc. etc. stop expecting me to reply immediately etc..

I haven't said any of this to them at all. It's just how I feel and what I'm struggling with.

They sound like loving grandparents, who treat people well, like you, your father.....maybe that's not what you were used to growing up? With your mother was love more conditional? That could be why you can't make sense of this situation. (I know that feeling too!)

SusieBlue · 15-10-2019 12:57pm

OP, you have a son yourself. If a woman came along, years down the line, claiming to be the adult child of your son would you promptly arrange to "grill him and tell him off" in front of her, and then completely cut him out of your family?

Because if so that means you only love your son conditionally, not unconditionally.
Human beings are flawed. You don't know the full story. You don't know whether his parents have expressed their anger at him privately. And regardless, HIS relationships with HIS parents is NONE of your business.
Same as your relationship with your son is nothing do with anyone else.
Its unacceptable and unreasonable to try to interfere.

You can have a relationship with these people, without having a relationship with your father. That would be completely understandable.
But you have no right to try to dictate their relationship with their son and the fact that you even feel entitled to make such demands, as a stranger to them, is bizarre.

Some perspective and reflection is needed her. If someone told you to cut your son out of your life you wouldn't do it, so I don't see why you'd expect someone else to.

chris525 · 23-10-2019 1:21pm

Flippyfloppy wrote: »

They sound like loving grandparents, who treat people well, like you, your father.....maybe that's not what you were used to growing up? With your mother was love more conditional? That could be why you can't make sense of this situation. (I know that feeling too!)

Yes, in my family love was very conditional. If you did anything wrong at all you were not seen as lovable or a good person.

chris525 · 23-10-2019 1:25pm

SusieBlue wrote: »

OP, you have a son yourself. If a woman came along, years down the line, claiming to be the adult child of your son would you promptly arrange to "grill him and tell him off" in front of her, and then completely cut him out of your family?

Because if so that means you only love your son conditionally, not unconditionally.
Human beings are flawed. You don't know the full story. You don't know whether his parents have expressed their anger at him privately. And regardless, HIS relationships with HIS parents is NONE of your business.
Same as your relationship with your son is nothing do with anyone else.
Its unacceptable and unreasonable to try to interfere.

You can have a relationship with these people, without having a relationship with your father. That would be completely understandable.
But you have no right to try to dictate their relationship with their son and the fact that you even feel entitled to make such demands, as a stranger to them, is bizarre.

Some perspective and reflection is needed her. If someone told you to cut your son out of your life you wouldn't do it, so I don't see why you'd expect someone else to.

I get what you are saying but my grandparents are also being quite controlling about this process.

For example, I told them that I wasn't all that much interested in my father but rather the other relatives but they said they would not be talking to him then etc. I had to jump through hoops in order for them to agree to talk to the other relatives. I don't understand why they would want to control this process so much.

I haven't told them to cut anyone off. It's just how I feel.

chris525 · 23-10-2019 1:28pm

JeffKenna wrote: »

I dunno, life is complicated and I doubt you know half the story of what happened. Most of the info your have seems to be coming from your mother and the stuff like your dad attending drug rebab is questionable as to whether it happened.
You appear to be blinded by hate, believe it or not there's a high chance this man isn't a dirtbag and is a decent honest person.

Someone who keeps a child a secret from his family and abandons a child cannot be a decent person.

He didn't bother with me. I was the one often checking the post and the phone calls in the house. He knew where I lived and never bothered but he would call my mother between 11 pm and 2 am stoned and never asked about me once.

I'm sure my mother wasn't 100% innocent in the situation but regardless of what she said he still didn't bother.

chris525 · 23-10-2019 1:29pm

qwerty13 wrote: »

Just because you ‘can’t imagine’ reacting a certain way doesn’t make your grandparents wrong or bad.

Maybe they’ve always helped your father with house renovations. Maybe he helped them out on something else. It’s quite the leap to ‘appeasement’. And none of your business.

They know their son and obviously have a relationship with him. They don’t know you. And yet you want them to upend a relationship with their son, because that’s what you’d do in their shoes. This is just so unreasonable on your part. And not going to happen. Again, you need to dial down your demands.

Well, their son has never done anything for me. He didn't even pay child maintenance and now he gets all this stuff and help and I got nothing all these years.

qwerty13 · 23-10-2019 1:37pm

I know your childhood was crap. But you can decide to wallow / be angry at the past, or try to move on.

You are currently stuck in the wallowing / anger phase. You’re just hurting yourself, and also probably your partner and kids. You can chose to stay there, or get help to move out of that phase.

I don’t think anyone on this thread said that you’re wrong to feel anger or resentment. But your method of dealing with it (or completely not dealing with it) is wrong for your own mental health, and relationships in your adult life.

You need to move on not only for yourself, but also for your adult relationships in your life. The obsessing about your past is achieving nothing.

lunamoon · 24-10-2019 9:52am

chris525 wrote: »

Well, their son has never done anything for me. He didn't even pay child maintenance and now he gets all this stuff and help and I got nothing all these years.

He is their son. I find it baffling that you can't understand this when you have children of your own.

If you found out your son fathered a child would you disown him?

chris525 · 29-10-2019 9:57am

lunamoon wrote: »

He is their son. I find it baffling that you can't understand this when you have children of your own.

If you found out your son fathered a child would you disown him?

I don't know but I would not be happy with him and I would not be painting his house for a long time.

I should hope that my son will not turn out so horribly. I won't be letting him away with anything.

Ursus Horribilis · 29-10-2019 10:01am

What would your son say about you having a crush on a coworker?

woodchuck · 29-10-2019 1:59pm

Mod note:

The OP has receive a lot of advice over 5 pages and I feel this thread has run its course. Therefore I'll close this thread at this time.

Are my grandparents being too relaxed about this situation?

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