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My OH and best friend’s wife

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    #32
    mloc123
    Registered Users Posts: 9,454 ✭✭✭mloc123


    Patww79 wrote: »
    So what? If you can't then say you can't and it won't be mentioned again. People aren't mind readers.

    It's nobody elses business tho. It is an intrusive question that some people think is okay to ask.


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    #33
    Loveinapril
    Registered Users Posts: 2,327 ✭✭✭Loveinapril


    ....... wrote: »
    I would imagine a lot of people who cannot have children do not want to share their private medical info to that effect to all and sundry.

    It could be something that upsets them horribly.

    And you can be absolutely guaranteed that the next question out of the mouth of the eejit asking inappropriate questions would then be "oh really, is it him or you who cant? Shooting blanks is he???".

    Its just not a conversation route that people should go down tbh. Its bad mannered and insensitive.

    Absolutely this. I have friends who struggled/ are struggling to conceive and it is a hugely emotional topic for them. A friend of mine spent 5 years going through treatment with several failed attempts to concieve her baby and even though people close to her know this, they still talk about possible siblings. She often has to remove herself from situations to cry.

    I had a miscarriage shortly after I got married so any comments about when we were having children killed me because I had just lost a much wanted baby and obviously didn't know whether it would happen for us again. I find any questions about fertility/ possible babies to be hugely intrusive. It is often a throwaway comment but if it can cause someone a huge amount of pain, just stay away from the topic unless they bring it up.

    OP, your wife was obviously well meaning but often something like this happens and it just ensures that she will be more careful about comments like that in the future.


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    #34
    OldMrBrennan83
    Closed Accounts Posts: 26,658 ✭✭✭✭OldMrBrennan83


    mloc123 wrote: »
    It's nobody elses business tho. It is an intrusive question that some people think is okay to ask.

    People always ask things like that though, it's hardly worth banning them from crossing the front door again over.


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    #35
    .......
    Closed Accounts Posts: 9,057 ✭✭✭.......


    Patww79 wrote: »
    People always ask things like that though, it's hardly worth banning them from crossing the front door again over.

    I wouldnt be bothered entertaining an insensitive bad mannered person in my home - would you?


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    #36
    mloc123
    Registered Users Posts: 9,454 ✭✭✭mloc123


    Patww79 wrote: »
    People always ask things like that though, it's hardly worth banning them from crossing the front door again over.

    Not saying it is reason to end a friendship. I am just saying it is a intrusive question and one best not to be asked. People that have never had first hand experience of miscarriage, trouble concieving etc.. don't seem to get that.


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    #37
    OldMrBrennan83
    Closed Accounts Posts: 26,658 ✭✭✭✭OldMrBrennan83


    ....... wrote: »
    I wouldnt be bothered entertaining an insensitive bad mannered person in my home - would you?

    I would not, though I think we have vastly different views on what constitutes one.


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    #38
    meeeeh
    Registered Users Posts: 11,624 ✭✭✭✭meeeeh


    mloc123 wrote: »
    Not saying it is reason to end a friendship. I am just saying it is a intrusive question and one best not to be asked. People that have never had first hand experience of miscarriage, trouble concieving etc.. don't seem to get that.

    I have quite a bit of experience of miscarriage and I think the reaction was over the top. Neither would I be offended by question/statement like that. In fact the comment would go completely over my head. You can wallow in self pity only for so long.

    Anyway even if the comment is hurtful there is a difference between intentionally hurtful comments and slip of a tongue. Rationally approaching it one should be able to get over it if they like the person. If they don't no apology will change their mind.


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    #39
    Jurgen Klopp
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,807 ✭✭✭Jurgen Klopp


    It's very simple. You and your friend carry on visiting and meeting up as normal.

    If either of your wives say anything just say "if ye don't get on that's up to yourselves, myself and John are off to the pub"

    Don't even get into it


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    #40
    wiggle16
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 3,022 Mod ✭✭✭✭wiggle16


    Mod note:

    Alright, enough back and forth in the thread. Before posting, ask yourself if your post is intended to help the OP, or if you are only trying to make a point to another poster. If your post does not contain constructive advice for the OP, please do not post. Anything else is going off topic.

    Thanks


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    #41
    skallywag
    Registered Users Posts: 2,987 ✭✭✭skallywag


    meeeeh wrote: »
    I have quite a bit of experience of miscarriage and I think the reaction was over the top. Neither would I be offended by question/statement like that. In fact the comment would go completely over my head. You can wallow in self pity only for so long.

    A big +1 to that.

    We've also ridden a similar roller-coaster and neither of us would even dream about reacting that way to such an innocuous comment.

    OP, I would wager a hefty sum that there is more in play here than this comment alone. Perhaps something that you may not even be aware of?


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    #42
    StinkyMunkey
    Registered Users Posts: 1,398 ✭✭✭StinkyMunkey


    Sounds like your mates wife is a very bitter person.

    People talking about other people having kids who are in relationships go hand in hand. Is society gone so mad that mentioning Childern to couples is a taboo subject.

    The comment was made unfortunately at the wrong time, but with zero malice. Some people go out of their way to be offended, your mates wife fits in with this.

    Your wife doesn't need a friend where she has to walk on egg shells for fear of offending, do your wife a favour and don't put her in a position where she has to be in this persons company. Best you don't be in her company either.

    Can't say I envy your mate, but they say "love is blind". Keep your friendship separate from his wife.


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    #43
    pq0n1ct4ve8zf5
    Closed Accounts Posts: 10,070 ✭✭✭✭pq0n1ct4ve8zf5


    From who are you feeling pressure? Does your partner expect you to end the friendship or make attempts on her behalf to change the other woman's mind? What makes you think this is coming to a head ?

    I'd be in the camp that stays the eff away from that subject altogether unless the other person opens it, there's too much potential to cause hurt. But your mate's wife's reaction to it makes no sense. At first I was thinking "maybe the poor woman is in bits altogether and just fixating on that comment", but I'd missed that this all happened years ago.

    It doesn't seem credible that someone would so totally and immediately cut someone out for that, but it does make sense as a comment that would crystallise in someone's head "You know what, I cannot be bothered with that woman".

    It's unfortunate and the rights and wrongs of the comment could be debated til the cows come home but they're actually irrelevant. You're grown men, you're independent human beings, not a unit with your respective partners. Go down the bloody pub and stay out of it. I guarantee no good will come to you by staying involved.


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    #44
    MiliMe
    Registered Users Posts: 219 ✭✭MiliMe


    ....... wrote: »
    I wouldnt be bothered entertaining an insensitive bad mannered person in my home - would you?

    These people are friends, its not a random stranger on the street coming up and querying the wifes fertility.

    While in this particular instance i can see why the friends wife got upset, the comment was, in my opinion, in no way terrible enough to warrant OP's wife being banned from the friends home.

    OP, while it may be difficult, try to keep the wives issue separate to you and your friends relationship. There has to be more to your wifes banishment than just one comment, so leave them be if you can.


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    #45
    Rubberchikken
    Registered Users Posts: 5,083 ✭✭✭Rubberchikken


    people cant watch every word out of their mouths. especially on what some might consider a delicate subject.
    be friends with your friend. accept that your friends wife will probably never like your oh and move on.
    this woman seems to be willing to take an innocent remark too far so probably not worth bothering about.


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    #46
    Wheety
    Registered Users Posts: 5,510 ✭✭✭Wheety


    This is why people should mind their own business and not keep asking people when they're going to have children. Myself and my wife are trying but it's not happening and it's not nice when people keep on at us to have children.


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    #47
    Ursus Horribilis
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,168 ✭✭✭Ursus Horribilis


    Wheety wrote: »
    This is why people should mind their own business and not keep asking people when they're going to have children. Myself and my wife are trying but it's not happening and it's not nice when people keep on at us to have children.

    Absolutely. Babies and why they're not appearing on the horizon is a subject people should stay away from. It can be a very sensitive and upsetting topic. Having said that, I get the impression that this row was the straw that broke the camel's back rather than a one off. Seeing as this has festered for a long time now, I can't see these two women ever kissing and making up. Whatever was going on in the background has probably grown legs in the meantime and now is a monster. Even if they ever manage to let bygones be bygones, they will never be comfortable in each other's company. All I can advise you to do is meet with your friend by yourself and not as a foursome. I assume your partner isn't trying to stop you from socialising with him/them?


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    #48
    Big Bag of Chips
    Administrators Posts: 13,778 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    Wheety wrote: »
    This is why people should mind their own business and not keep asking people when they're going to have children.

    And when you have 1, you're asked when a brother or sister is coming along. If you have boys 'you have to go for the girl' and vice versa. If you're lucky and get 1 of each 'you can stop now'.

    It is unending.

    You say this happened a few years ago, and you and your wife still argue over it. Why? Who brings it up and why?

    There are two people involved and it sounds like your friend's wife has no intention of speaking to your wife again, so you two arguing about it is not going to change that. You have no control over how that woman chooses to react.

    If you are the one bringing it up, drop it.
    If your wife is the one bringing it up, even after years, then maybe she needs to understand that perhaps the way she deals with people and situations is not ideal. I feel out with someone 2 years ago. We have managed to avoid anything to do with each other in that time, and I'm not even sure if anyone knows we've fallen out!

    2 people don't get on. It's time for you and your wife to accept that. You can socialise with your friend without your wives. I have a best friend of almost 30 years. Our husbands know each other but certainly wouldn't be friends or socialise together. I go out with her, without them.


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    #49
    qwerty13
    Registered Users Posts: 1,272 ✭✭✭qwerty13


    Rubberchikken wrote: »
    people cant watch every word out of their mouths. especially on what some might consider a delicate subject.
    be friends with your friend. accept that your friends wife will probably never like your oh and move on.
    this woman seems to be willing to take an innocent remark too far so probably not worth bothering about.

    People can watch what they quiz others about, if they have a bit of sensitivity and tone down the nosiness. Such questions can be hurtful. Why do people persist in asking intrusive Qs tho. I just don’t get it.


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    #50
    BuboBubo
    Registered Users Posts: 927 ✭✭✭BuboBubo


    Keyzer wrote: »
    Sorry but this advice is utter nonsense - the OP and his wife had no idea what was going on with the friend and his wife.

    People make comments about kids all the time, "When are you having kids?", "When is number two coming along?". These comments are, for the most part, made in good will with no malice.

    If they had known then it would be extremely insensitive but they didn't, so give them a break for gods sake.

    Sounds to me like your mates missus is just looking for a reason not to be friends.

    Maybe she just doesn't like your wife, for any number of reasons. Some people just don't like each other and don't want to spend time in each other's company.

    OP, I wouldn't push the issue, continue socialising with your mate, But as you chose your buddy, let your wives choose theirs.

    It's a pity they don't get along, but unfortunately sh1t happens.


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    #51
    Questioning sacred Cows
    Registered Users Posts: 16 ✭Questioning sacred Cows


    <Snip> deleted quoted troll reply
    Anyway, thanks a million for all the advice. My wife (prefer on this forum to call her my OH) did not know about my mate's wife's ectopic pregnancy at the time she asked about them getting a bigger car for when children came aling. It really was an innocous question. She certainly meant no ill intent whatsoever. My wife is decent, genuinely good person.

    My OH is not the only person among my circle of friends that my mate's wife dislikes - she had taken a dislike to the wife of another mate, who had 2 children in rapid succession ar close to 40 after 6 years of marriage. She also dislikes another friend from abroad - why I do not know as he is a decent chap.

    I believe my mate's wife has issues but I'n not going to be the one to broach that subject with my mate. I value our friendship too much.

    Personally, I think my mates wife completely over-reacted and holds unreasonable grudges and my wife is unhapoy about that but what can I do in fairness?


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    #52
    qwerty13
    Registered Users Posts: 1,272 ✭✭✭qwerty13


    I get that she didn’t know, and wasn’t malicious - but she still should not have said it.

    People can say “but sure lots of people say such things” - but this thread shows that people should not say such things, and that it can be very hurtful.

    So like I said ages back in this thread, your wife needs to rein in the nosy comments. And your mate’s wife sounds like she’s treating it as though your wife’s nosy comment was deliberately hurtful.

    I think the situation is lost re them ever being friends. As others said, just meet your mate in the pub. No partners.


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    #53
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    It's fairly clear you're going to have to walk in eggshells around this woman forever more.
    Never mention children, birth, pregnancy, childcare, family life, fertility, child reading, schools, child toys.... .for fear you might offend/upset her. It's an impossible situation to negotiate. If she can't get a grip on her infertility issues, that's her problem. You cannot & should not be expected to censor normal daily conversations& tiptoe around "sensitive" topics. Meet your friend alone for man chats. Leave the wives do their own thing. There is no other solution. This woman is grieving& until she has processed that fully, there will always be drama.


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    #54
    detoxkid
    Registered Users Posts: 621 ✭✭✭detoxkid


    Like others I've experienced numerous misscarriages and would consider your ohs remarks insensitive but your friends wife's reaction totally over the top particularly to hold a grudge at this stage. Nothing you can do at all but continue your friendship with your friend


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    #55
    Big Bag of Chips
    Administrators Posts: 13,778 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    Your friend's wife obviously has more issues than just fertility. But that's irrelevant to everyone else. Your friend married her. He loves her, we have to assume. What she thinks of any of you or what any of you think of her doesn't matter.

    A family member of mine married a woman who has never, ever, spoken to any of our family. Ever. They are married over 40 years. We are a fairly big, fairly close family who would socialise occasionally, meet up at weddings, funerals, 21sts etc. This woman has never come along to anything, and on the very rare occasion we might bump into them together she completely ignores the fact that we're there. A strange woman who doesn't appear to have many people in her life.

    But.... She's obviously happy enough with it like that. So who are we to try change anything. We are not missing out on anything by not having a relationship with her. We continue to have a relationship with our family member, completely separate to her. I'd agree that yes, your wife hit a nerve, but I'd say if it wasn't this issue it would have eventually been something else.

    Just tell your wife to let it go. Arguing over it is fruitless. Neither of you have any control over this situation anyway. She is who she is. Your friend loves her, you don't even have to like her.


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    #56
    Dial Hard
    Registered Users Posts: 13,409 ✭✭✭✭Dial Hard


    Questioning sacred Cows wrote:
    Personally, I think my mates wife completely over-reacted and holds unreasonable grudges and my wife is unhapoy about that but what can I do in fairness?

    As has been asked of you numerous times throughout the thread, why do you need to do anything? Just meet your friend alone and leave the wives out of the equation altogether. I have no idea why this has become such a big thing in your relationship, to the point where it's causing rows years later.


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    #57
    osarusan
    Registered Users Posts: 16,560 ✭✭✭✭osarusan


    OP, you mentioned earlier that you had a row with your own wife about this - over what exactly?


    Does your wife think that you should sort it all out so that the 4 of you can spend time together? Or does she think that you and your friend should stay away from each other? Both of those are unfair, if either is the case.


    But it seems fairly clear to me, and most posters on here, that the best situation here is that you and your friend continue your friendship as you always have, and your wives play no part in it.


    Is there some reason that this is not an option for you?


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    #58
    Ursus Horribilis
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,168 ✭✭✭Ursus Horribilis


    Can I ask why simply hanging out with your friend without his wife in tow isn't the solution to this?


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    #59
    qwerty13
    Registered Users Posts: 1,272 ✭✭✭qwerty13


    Is your wife arguing with you about this because she wants an apology? And wants you to talk to your friend to make this happen? Otherwise I can’t see what you are expected to “do” about the situation.

    Not that I think she remotely deserves an apology, or would get one.


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    #60
    JupiterKid
    Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 12,613 Mod ✭✭✭✭JupiterKid


    OP I can see the difficult situation you are in. It seems you are between a rock and a hard place here. Your wife is obviously miffed at your friend’s wife having an intense dislike of her but at the end of the day you can only ensure that your friendship with your long-standing mate is maintained. You do not need to go out of your way to be pleasant with his wife if she has taken a dislike to your own wife. In fact, I would suggest you aim to avoid her as much as possible.

    I would agree with others that your friends wife completely over-reacted to your wife’s ill-timed comment. The fact that she dislikes other people in your circle of friends suggests that she may have some issues.

    But that said, it would be pretty poor form of your wife to make you pick and choose between your friendship and your relationship with her.

    Not everyone gets along and some people just take a dislike to others, often for no apparent reason. That’s the unfortunate reality of life.


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    #61
    Paddy Cow
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,576 ✭✭✭Paddy Cow


    Questioning sacred Cows wrote: »
    <Snip> deleted quoted troll reply
    Anyway, thanks a million for all the advice. My wife (prefer on this forum to call her my OH) did not know about my mate's wife's ectopic pregnancy at the time she asked about them getting a bigger car for when children came aling. It really was an innocous question. She certainly meant no ill intent whatsoever. My wife is decent, genuinely good person.

    My OH is not the only person among my circle of friends that my mate's wife dislikes - she had taken a dislike to the wife of another mate, who had 2 children in rapid succession ar close to 40 after 6 years of marriage. She also dislikes another friend from abroad - why I do not know as he is a decent chap.

    I believe my mate's wife has issues but I'n not going to be the one to broach that subject with my mate. I value our friendship too much.

    Personally, I think my mates wife completely over-reacted and holds unreasonable grudges and my wife is unhapoy about that but what can I do in fairness?
    I was with your wife up until this. She made a remark without malice that your friend's wife reacted badly to and now doesn't want anything to do with your wife. It seems like she has issues with a few women but why does it affect your wife so badly that ye are still arguing about it? She can't force a friendship with this woman. The two were never friends. How does it affect your wife? Why can't your wife just let it go and accept that you can have a friendship with your mate without the two wives being besties? Why would your wife even want a relationship with someone she was never close to and doesn't like her?

    Sorry if this sounds harsh but his wife overreacted at the time and your wife is overreacting now, getting into arguments with you over it.


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