My OH and best friend’s wife

qwerty13 · 12-01-2019 5:11am

I get that she didn’t know, and wasn’t malicious - but she still should not have said it.

People can say “but sure lots of people say such things” - but this thread shows that people should not say such things, and that it can be very hurtful.

So like I said ages back in this thread, your wife needs to rein in the nosy comments. And your mate’s wife sounds like she’s treating it as though your wife’s nosy comment was deliberately hurtful.

I think the situation is lost re them ever being friends. As others said, just meet your mate in the pub. No partners.

LegacyUser · 12-01-2019 7:13am

It's fairly clear you're going to have to walk in eggshells around this woman forever more.
Never mention children, birth, pregnancy, childcare, family life, fertility, child reading, schools, child toys.... .for fear you might offend/upset her. It's an impossible situation to negotiate. If she can't get a grip on her infertility issues, that's her problem. You cannot & should not be expected to censor normal daily conversations& tiptoe around "sensitive" topics. Meet your friend alone for man chats. Leave the wives do their own thing. There is no other solution. This woman is grieving& until she has processed that fully, there will always be drama.

detoxkid · 12-01-2019 8:03am

Like others I've experienced numerous misscarriages and would consider your ohs remarks insensitive but your friends wife's reaction totally over the top particularly to hold a grudge at this stage. Nothing you can do at all but continue your friendship with your friend

Big Bag of Chips · 12-01-2019 9:28am

Your friend's wife obviously has more issues than just fertility. But that's irrelevant to everyone else. Your friend married her. He loves her, we have to assume. What she thinks of any of you or what any of you think of her doesn't matter.

A family member of mine married a woman who has never, ever, spoken to any of our family. Ever. They are married over 40 years. We are a fairly big, fairly close family who would socialise occasionally, meet up at weddings, funerals, 21sts etc. This woman has never come along to anything, and on the very rare occasion we might bump into them together she completely ignores the fact that we're there. A strange woman who doesn't appear to have many people in her life.

But.... She's obviously happy enough with it like that. So who are we to try change anything. We are not missing out on anything by not having a relationship with her. We continue to have a relationship with our family member, completely separate to her. I'd agree that yes, your wife hit a nerve, but I'd say if it wasn't this issue it would have eventually been something else.

Just tell your wife to let it go. Arguing over it is fruitless. Neither of you have any control over this situation anyway. She is who she is. Your friend loves her, you don't even have to like her.

Dial Hard · 12-01-2019 11:37am

Questioning sacred Cows wrote:

Personally, I think my mates wife completely over-reacted and holds unreasonable grudges and my wife is unhapoy about that but what can I do in fairness?

As has been asked of you numerous times throughout the thread, why do you need to do anything? Just meet your friend alone and leave the wives out of the equation altogether. I have no idea why this has become such a big thing in your relationship, to the point where it's causing rows years later.

osarusan · 12-01-2019 1:56pm

OP, you mentioned earlier that you had a row with your own wife about this - over what exactly?

Does your wife think that you should sort it all out so that the 4 of you can spend time together? Or does she think that you and your friend should stay away from each other? Both of those are unfair, if either is the case.

But it seems fairly clear to me, and most posters on here, that the best situation here is that you and your friend continue your friendship as you always have, and your wives play no part in it.

Is there some reason that this is not an option for you?

Ursus Horribilis · 12-01-2019 2:34pm

Can I ask why simply hanging out with your friend without his wife in tow isn't the solution to this?

qwerty13 · 12-01-2019 6:17pm

Is your wife arguing with you about this because she wants an apology? And wants you to talk to your friend to make this happen? Otherwise I can’t see what you are expected to “do” about the situation.

Not that I think she remotely deserves an apology, or would get one.

JupiterKid · 13-01-2019 5:34am

OP I can see the difficult situation you are in. It seems you are between a rock and a hard place here. Your wife is obviously miffed at your friend’s wife having an intense dislike of her but at the end of the day you can only ensure that your friendship with your long-standing mate is maintained. You do not need to go out of your way to be pleasant with his wife if she has taken a dislike to your own wife. In fact, I would suggest you aim to avoid her as much as possible.

I would agree with others that your friends wife completely over-reacted to your wife’s ill-timed comment. The fact that she dislikes other people in your circle of friends suggests that she may have some issues.

But that said, it would be pretty poor form of your wife to make you pick and choose between your friendship and your relationship with her.

Not everyone gets along and some people just take a dislike to others, often for no apparent reason. That’s the unfortunate reality of life.

Paddy Cow · 13-01-2019 5:33pm

Questioning sacred Cows wrote: »

<Snip> deleted quoted troll reply
Anyway, thanks a million for all the advice. My wife (prefer on this forum to call her my OH) did not know about my mate's wife's ectopic pregnancy at the time she asked about them getting a bigger car for when children came aling. It really was an innocous question. She certainly meant no ill intent whatsoever. My wife is decent, genuinely good person.

My OH is not the only person among my circle of friends that my mate's wife dislikes - she had taken a dislike to the wife of another mate, who had 2 children in rapid succession ar close to 40 after 6 years of marriage. She also dislikes another friend from abroad - why I do not know as he is a decent chap.

I believe my mate's wife has issues but I'n not going to be the one to broach that subject with my mate. I value our friendship too much.

Personally, I think my mates wife completely over-reacted and holds unreasonable grudges and my wife is unhapoy about that but what can I do in fairness?

I was with your wife up until this. She made a remark without malice that your friend's wife reacted badly to and now doesn't want anything to do with your wife. It seems like she has issues with a few women but why does it affect your wife so badly that ye are still arguing about it? She can't force a friendship with this woman. The two were never friends. How does it affect your wife? Why can't your wife just let it go and accept that you can have a friendship with your mate without the two wives being besties? Why would your wife even want a relationship with someone she was never close to and doesn't like her?

Sorry if this sounds harsh but his wife overreacted at the time and your wife is overreacting now, getting into arguments with you over it.

valoren · 14-01-2019 10:22am

My reading into this. It's about control. Your mate's wife comes across as the controlling one. You mention she actively dislikes others as well so this is not an isolated case.

Your wife did not know about her medical past or her feelings about it all. What she said was an innocuous remark as you point out. It's normal for couples to speculate about such a topic. Sometimes we say things which unbeknownst to us unintentionally upsets others. Everybody does. A tactful, mature person understands that.

It is not like your wife knew about her surgery and specifically that it was pregnancy related, failed to put two and two together about what that might mean for her fertility and still felt right to quip "Will you be getting a people-carrier for when the kids come along?". Your mates wife would be entitled to feel peeved.

His wife pounced, perhaps had been biding her time for a while, until she could perceive any insult from an innocent action or comment from your wife and then flare it up into this big problem. I note you mentioned there is an intense dislike towards your wife from her. That is the telling part for me. Your wife did not know. His wife also knew she didn't know. You are wondering why she dislikes your wife. You specifically mentioned she is kind and generous. For me, it is this which made her a target. I'm guessing your mate's wife is not kind and generous as she has had falling outs with others.

As such, your wife has this tangible something which his wife lacks. For controlling reasons, she looked to drive a wedge between both you (and by extension your wife) and your mate by exploiting your wife's innocuous remark. She did so in a most toxic manner. The rationale behind what has happened is that she does not want your mate becoming friends with your wife, getting to know her. He too will see that she is a kind and generous person. He might even begin to wonder why his wife is not as kind and generous. He might compare his relationship with that of his life long friend and see a major disjoint. As such, when you have nothing to compare something to, there can be no comparison.

You know each other a long time and she needs to ensure there is a rift established between you both. An option for her is to create poison between you all, to stitch your wife up as this callous, pass remarkable bitch with her playing the victim taunted, haunted by her cruel comment. She needs control over what your mate believes about your innocent wife.

She needed to keep you both apart as she knows she isn't like that. Going forward it becomes a problem for her if your mate is known to be speaking to you or your wife. That's the controlling aspect. He will likely avoid meeting your wife. It will result in an argument with his wife. Unfortunately, your relationship with your mate is being thrown under the bus to enable her to control this.

Remember, you and your wife did not know about the surgery. That is a separate issue for them both and none of your concern. That she upped and immediately left was telling. She recognized her chance and pounced. She could have explained the back story or mentioned it there and then to avoid this situation. That would have been the mature thing to do and considering the long term friendship her husband has with you, she could have been more tactful for her husbands sake. She, instead, saw her chance to drive that wedge in, to establish an ongoing rift between you all. I'm sure if she felt hurt and mentioned it that your wife is kind and generous enough to explain she didn't mean anything by it, she would have apologized. She wasn't even given that chance.

Just because his wife has a problem with your wife does not mean your mate can't call around or socialise with you both. You have invited them both to clear the air. His wife has refused. As you mention, she is not for turning.

Were you to then ask him over himself then be prepared for him to refuse that too. He is being manipulated against your wife. The manipulation of him being that this is all because his wife is hurt, he is backing her up. The reality is different though. He is to be actively isolated from and explicitly prevented from getting to know your wife.

If you could meet your mate again privately, bring it up and if he again tries to change the subject tell him you need to speak about this situation specifically. He probably wanted to change the subject in the past because it means he might have to confront his wife about how ridiculous and out of hand this has gotten considering it is she who prolonged it and (intentionally) refuses to seek clarity.

Explain that you both didn't know about the surgery or how his wife felt about it, that no malice could have been meant, that if his wife wished to isolate him from you both because of that then there is nothing you can do, that your wife is a lovely person, that his wife is free to dislike her intensely but that you wish that won't impact his desire to know her better. He might feel the need to back up and support his wife. Unfortunately, you might need to deem him lost to a toxic, manipulative spouse.

witchgirl26 · 14-01-2019 12:49pm

OP you mention your friends wife has an issue with another wife in the group because she had 2 kids close together at a later in life age, and that she took against your wife when she made a comment about having children. Do you not see that maybe these are completely connected? She obviously is struggling with the fact that she hasn't had children and while I agree that it's not fair to take this out on others, I can empathise that it might be very tough on her also.

Realistically you don't have to all happily socialise as couples. Your wives do not appear to get on great, at least at the moment, so leave it. Back away from the couple socialising and just go out with your mate.

Bobtheman · 14-01-2019 1:13pm

qwerty13 wrote: »

Personally, I’d find a statement/question like your wife made really intrusive, and I would not be impressed. Unless however there had previously been a history of chats between the 4 of you re wanting kids / when you or they might start trying.

I know not everyone would agree, but I absolutely hate questions about relationships that put people on the spot / make them feel pressured to disclose more than they might feel ok saying. Whether that’s moving in / engagement / marriage / kids.

I think your wife overstepped the boundaries, and as it turned out she overstepped in the worst way - it was an incredibly sensitive topic. And that’s why you simply don’t go there unless you really know the lay of the land.

Having said that, she clearly wasn’t being malicious. I think there’s fault on both sides tbh. Your wife seems, based on your OP, to have overstepped in her nosiness. And a clearly very upset woman took more offence to that than perhaps is warranted.

This is way over the top. Way over. People make stupid comments all the time. Having experienced a few miscarriages in my marriage I had to hear a few comments I would prefer not to hear about whether you are starting a family or not etc.
People dont hurt you-you choose to be hurt. Think that over. There was no intention to cause harm Your wife should ring and apologize. If the other woman is not big enough to accept an apology then that says a lot about her. Some people cant deal with their own pain or wont deal with it so they love n opportunity to be upset. An opportunity to get on a high horse.
Yes-ectopic pregnancies are harsh. Yes being around kids after them or talking about kids is harsh but you deal with it by asking others not to talk about it.
Being up on a high horse-hurts the one on the horse and the one being looked down upon.

Sorry about that · 14-01-2019 1:56pm

Hi Op, please don't advise your wife to apologise, she neither said nor did anything wrong here. It was just chat, and while you don't know what people might be going through at any time, being an adult requires a certain amount of understanding that the world doesn't revolve around oneself. It's actually ok for someone to speak without it constantly being an eggshells situation.
Your friend has an insecure wife. People talk about babies, cars, pregnancy, all the time; it's normal. No way should your wife be censored, especially as she didn't know! Immature embarrassing reaction to leave the house.
That woman is not your family's problem, the less you see her the better.

LegacyUser · 14-01-2019 2:58pm

Questioning sacred Cows wrote: »

Personally, I think my mates wife completely over-reacted and holds unreasonable grudges and my wife is unhapoy about that but what can I do in fairness?

Still no seeing why you have to do anything OP? is it impacting on your friendship with your mate? You've talked alot about your wife not getting on with her but does she bother you? Your wives do not need to get on at all for you to be friends so why do you care? If your mates wife is not getting on with any of his friends partners well thats his issue not yours. Just tell your wife you won't hang out as couples any more and you'll just meet your mate without partners. i'm sure your wife has friends you don't interact with.

My OH and best friend’s wife

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