Advertisement
If you have a new account but are having problems posting or verifying your account, please email us on hello@boards.ie for help. Thanks :)
Hello all! Please ensure that you are posting a new thread or question in the appropriate forum. The Feedback forum is overwhelmed with questions that are having to be moved elsewhere. If you need help to verify your account contact hello@boards.ie
Hi all,
Vanilla are planning an update to the site on April 24th (next Wednesday). It is a major PHP8 update which is expected to boost performance across the site. The site will be down from 7pm and it is expected to take about an hour to complete. We appreciate your patience during the update.
Thanks all.

One-Liner Jokes

Options
1…173174176178179…190

Comments

  • Options
    #5252
    Worztron
    Registered Users Posts: 8,666 ✭✭✭Worztron


    What time did Sean Connery go to Wimbledon? Tennish.

    Mitch Hedberg: "Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something."



  • Options
    #5253
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,259 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I banged my head on a low bridge,

    I would have been ok if viaduct.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Options
    #5254
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,259 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    When I was baptised, the priest wore a fake nose, fake moustache and pair of glasses.

    It was a blessing in disguise

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Options
    #5255
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,259 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Options
    #5256
    xlogo
    Registered Users Posts: 737 ✭✭✭xlogo



    I just found out that I failed the RAF entrance exam; apparently the bomb bay doors are not an Indian tribute act.



  • Advertisement
  • Options
    #5257
    Worztron
    Registered Users Posts: 8,666 ✭✭✭Worztron


    ams.jpg

    00111010 00101101 00101001

    Mitch Hedberg: "Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something."



  • Options
    #5258
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,259 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    When they invented plastic surgery, women could pick their own noses for the first time ever!

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Options
    #5259
    xlogo
    Registered Users Posts: 737 ✭✭✭xlogo


    Two dyslexic lads Dave and Tony go skiing for the first time, after the first piste run Tone says to Dave did you see me zag zig down that slope , Dave says it’s zig zag you fool, they get into a blazing row, Tone spots a bloke in full skiing regalia, let’s ask that bloke in all the gear says Tone, they wander over and explain they are dyslexic and cannot agree if it’s zig zag or zag zig when hurtling down the piste, bloke in all the gear says sorry lads I’m a tobogganist. Dave shouts fantastic can I have 20 bensons and hedges please pal.



  • Options
    #5260
    jeepers101
    Registered Users Posts: 707 ✭✭✭jeepers101


    If a clock gets hungry does it go back four seconds?



  • Options
    #5261
    everlast75
    Registered Users Posts: 18,976 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    My brother wasted thousands on a miracle cure for his stutter but at least he can’t say I didn’t warn him.



  • Advertisement
  • Options
    #5262
    xlogo
    Registered Users Posts: 737 ✭✭✭xlogo


    I went to the doctors & he told me I needed a pacemaker, now I've got this Kenyan athlete two yards in front of me everywhere I go.



  • Options
    #5263
    xlogo
    Registered Users Posts: 737 ✭✭✭xlogo


    My Grandad only had one leg, but still managed to work 40 years in a brewery...


     



    He was in charge of the hops...



  • Options
    #5264
    xlogo
    Registered Users Posts: 737 ✭✭✭xlogo


    The Nissan parts factory near us has just exploded,


     


     


    it's raining Datsun Cogs.



  • Options
    #5265
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,259 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Tomorrow’s psychic convention is cancelled due to unforeseen circumstances

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Options
    #5266
    Victor
    Registered Users Posts: 78,245 ✭✭✭✭Victor


    https://twitter.com/irishexaminer/status/1626519477679702016


    ...



  • Options
    #5267
    Sam Russell
    Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators Posts: 19,362 Mod ✭✭✭✭Sam Russell


    My dentist asked me if I had a gag reaction. I said it depends on whether the gag is funny.



  • Options
    #5268
    everlast75
    Registered Users Posts: 18,976 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    My first wife left me because of my obsession with clickbait....



    and you won’t believe what happened next!!!!!



  • Options
    #5269
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,259 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    It’s ironic that Jesus was a carpenter and also named after the phrase you say when you hit your thumb with a hammer

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Options
    #5270
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,259 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    If anyone wants a list of my favourite bugs bunny quotes give me a shout and I’ll send some via a WhatsApp doc

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Options
    #5271
    everlast75
    Registered Users Posts: 18,976 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    In U.S. news, a Woman tries to cut of her lovers penis but instead she missed and cut his thigh.


    She is currently being charged with a misdaweiner.



  • Advertisement
  • Options
    #5272
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,259 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Started a great book last night on the history of WD-40.. Found it in the non-friction section..

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Options
    #5273
    xlogo
    Registered Users Posts: 737 ✭✭✭xlogo



    My local pet shop was offering jars of 10 bees for £1,


     


    I went in and bought a jar and noticed there were 11 inside.


     


    Being honest I told the sales assistant there was an extra one. 


     


    He said "don't worry, that's a freebee"


     



  • Options
    #5274
    Worztron
    Registered Users Posts: 8,666 ✭✭✭Worztron


    What’s the difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted!

    Mitch Hedberg: "Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something."



  • Options
    #5275
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,259 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Penguins produce an oil that helps their feathers retain heat, so basically the oily bird gets the warm.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Options
    #5276
    xlogo
    Registered Users Posts: 737 ✭✭✭xlogo


    My Spanish neighbour has just had a right go at me for playing Madness songs too loud.


     


     


    Miguel's mad at me.



  • Options
    #5277
    xlogo
    Registered Users Posts: 737 ✭✭✭xlogo



    Just heard on the news that the Dutchman who invented inflatable footwear has popped his clogs



  • Options
    #5278
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,259 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Got a job doing shifts at a chess factory, I’m on knights next week.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Options
    #5279
    xlogo
    Registered Users Posts: 737 ✭✭✭xlogo


    Phoned Police to report Our Local Vicar hadn’t been seen for several days now and we were worried.


     


    They said I needed to ring Missing Parsons.



  • Options
    #5280
    everlast75
    Registered Users Posts: 18,976 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    lance armstrong peddling out of divorce court on a unicycle



  • Advertisement
  • Options
    #5281
    xlogo
    Registered Users Posts: 737 ✭✭✭xlogo




    If anyone called Phillip has lost a screwdriver we have found it.



Advertisement