Not enough these days?

LegacyUser · 13-09-2019 12:55pm #1

Hi all,

Need advice.
I’m 29 F, single, never had a proper relationship.
I can’t seem to relate to men my age and a bit older. From my observations and talking to friends/co workers and even some interactions with men, it seems you have to have a interesting CV or instagram at the ready to interest men in their 20s and 30s these days.
I won’t lie - I haven’t travelled a lot (the odd holiday once a year) and I don’t do group sports or party hard etc..
Sure I understand you have to have a few things going for you.
I’m a normal girl with a professional career who keeps fit. I live a clean lifestyle and may drink occasionally. I would say I’m good looking, calm, thoughtful, kind and funny - But this isn’t enough these days..

The men I do encounter treat me they are half interested.. I’m barely given a chance to actually demonstrate my character before I’m wrote off..
It seems men I’ve met are more consumed with instagram and dating apps then interested in getting to know more about a woman in real life in front of them who is actually attracted to them..
I’m always told how beautiful and stunning I am by family, friends and colleagues but I just do not believe any of it anymore..

I’m 29 and miserable. I do feel depressed over this and feel like I’ll never meet anyone..
All I want to do is have fun, laugh and be desired by a man. It seems to be a lot to ask for nowadays.

Is it just me?

LegacyUser · 13-09-2019 2:18pm

I'm mid 30s male, no dating experience. I don't use social media, so don't really get that part of you've said. I don't drink much or party. Are you being too pessimistic here? I'm attracted someone at the moment, but haven't told her yet, even though we've chatted a good few times. Yes, I've searched her online, but it's how she comes across in real life that matters. You've listed off things about yourself around your lifestyle, etc. I don't really see you mention communication. What are you doing on that front? Why not do a group sport?

Porklife · 13-09-2019 4:30pm

Reallifegirlhere wrote: »

Hi all,

Need advice.
I’m 29 F, single, never had a proper relationship.
I can’t seem to relate to men my age and a bit older. From my observations and talking to friends/co workers and even some interactions with men, it seems you have to have a interesting CV or instagram at the ready to interest men in their 20s and 30s these days.
I won’t lie - I haven’t travelled a lot (the odd holiday once a year) and I don’t do group sports or party hard etc..
Sure I understand you have to have a few things going for you.
I’m a normal girl with a professional career who keeps fit. I live a clean lifestyle and may drink occasionally. I would say I’m good looking, calm, thoughtful, kind and funny - But this isn’t enough these days..

The men I do encounter treat me they are half interested.. I’m barely given a chance to actually demonstrate my character before I’m wrote off..
It seems men I’ve met are more consumed with instagram and dating apps then interested in getting to know more about a woman in real life in front of them who is actually attracted to them..
I’m always told how beautiful and stunning I am by family, friends and colleagues but I just do not believe any of it anymore..

I’m 29 and miserable. I do feel depressed over this and feel like I’ll never meet anyone..
All I want to do is have fun, laugh and be desired by a man. It seems to be a lot to ask for nowadays.

Is it just me?

You may come across as a bit dull if this post is anything to go by!

Princess Calla · 13-09-2019 5:01pm

Porklife wrote: »

You may come across as a bit dull if this post is anything to go by!

That's abit mean.

Tbh I could have wrote the same Op. Though I've been in and out of relationships since I was about 15/16, some good, some bad.

I met mine through a hobby or friends. I was always very flirty though.

It's advice that's always rolled out here but it does hold true for more long term relationship success pick up a hobby, let them get to know you as a person with no pressure of forming a relationship.... If there's a spark there it will happen. If you don't meet someone at least you are doing something that you have an interest in and your broadening your friendship circle.

HelgaWard · 13-09-2019 5:07pm

I agree, a club/society is a brilliant way to meet people. You mention you keep fit, how do you do that, as in is it solo exercise? It might work well to do some fitness with a club, or group class. Do something you enjoy, have fun doing it, and you may well meet someone along the way! Where do you currently try to meet men?

woodchuck · 13-09-2019 5:11pm

Mod note:

Porklife, your post falls well below the standard expected here. You've been around long enough to know better. Anything more along those lines and you'll get a card.

lawred2 · 13-09-2019 5:16pm

Why are you being so hard on yourself?

Social media is a cesspit of fakery. A cover for mundanity. The vast majority of stories people put up are a cover for their own insecurities.

A professional healthy woman would be right up my street if I hadn't already found one.

Try and find an arena for similar like-minded people. Work related meet ups. Sports clubs etc

LegacyUser · 13-09-2019 5:44pm

To answer questions above:
I keep fit solo - gym, walking, running etc yes I agree i should join a group sport.

I did the nights out when I was younger. It was the shallow and drunk carry on in pubs and clubs which turned me off. Too messy.

I meet men through work mostly at the moment cause I’m full time.

I suppose something I’ve noticed is you have to be extraordinary these days - perfect figure, involved in everything, travelling all over the world 6 times a year, mad night outs ..
Maybe it’s just as well men don’t chat long enough with me - they’d be disappointed to find out I’m a normal person.

I thought I had a mutual attraction with someone a few months ago at work but he seems to prefer shopping online on the apps... but look, it’s not specifically about him, this seems to be a bigger problem across the board amongst my age group.

Kidchameleon · 13-09-2019 6:17pm

What is the nature of your professional career? Does it take much of your time? I ask this because men in your age bracket are (generally) looking to settle down with the mother of their children and start a family. They want a woman who is going to look after the kids and be there for them while he works. This is a role that is hard to fill if you have a career that requires much of your time/traveling etc. I realize that some may call it sexist or whatever but that is the reality of nature. Everything else in your post paints you as a great catch but that is one thing that did jump out at me. Now I could be reading too much into it, your career might be a 9-5 or whatever but it may be something for you to consider.

Daisy78 · 13-09-2019 6:35pm

What type of men do you generally go for? Where do you meet them? Do you think that you gravitate towards certain men who would be players or who think they have plenty of choice? Do you express interest strongly enough?

Calypso Realm · 13-09-2019 7:34pm

Reallifegirlhere wrote: »

Hi all,
I’m 29 and miserable. I do feel depressed over this and feel like I’ll never meet anyone..

From you wrote OP, you sound as if you have a hell of a lot going for you-I mean this- BUT this is what stood out to me in your post. I do wonder if this might (in part at least) be one of the reasons you're having problems. You may not even by aware of it-subconsciously it maybe coming across to others and of course,I could be wrong here but, all the same, something for you to think about !We all give off a certain 'vibe' whether we're aware of it or not!

People, by and large prefer to be around happy, positive people! It's human nature to gravitate towards what feel good. Folk who are miserable (for whatever reason) can be rather draining, to say the least. I once dumped a friend of sorts, simply because she was so negative and pessimistic about everything, it was just getting me down when I was around her! Others felt the same given the 'vibe' she gave out.

I remember I once worked with a stunningly beautiful girl, who was more than well able to attract admirers, but she did have a problem keeping them, owing to the fact she always looked so miserable! On the other hand, less attractive but happier individuals had no problem, something she found difficult to understand.

In addition, I met all my exes (including OH) when I least expected it! Each and every occurrence was when meeting someone was the last thing on my mind! I was just out doing something I enjoyed..........

lainey_d_123 · 13-09-2019 8:52pm

I've found since dating apps became a thing that it's desperate out there. People just refusing to commit and waiting for something better to come along. Whereas they might previously have given it some time, now the illusion of endless choice means they jump back on the apps at the first hint of any kind of things not being 100% easy and fun.

I've travelled all over the world, OP. Speak several languages, have hobbies, can find something in common with just about anyone I meet. I think I'm considered pretty attractive, wear nice clothes and make-up, slim figure. I don't think I'd ever be called boring or dull. I don't have a problem attracting attention, but literally since dating apps took off, I've found it almost impossible to maintain it. Men are all over me at first and then the interest drops off within a few weeks or months - generally the very moment I expect anything from them or need to rely on them for something.

I always thought I'd get married and have kids and am wondering if it's time to just give up and find a reliable fcukbuddy (I don't like casual sex because of STI risk) and build my life on my own, just finding interesting people to hang out with and doing stuff that makes me happy and aiming to maybe adopt or even try to have a kid alone in 2-3 years. Because this dating stuff makes me utterly miserable and just not sure it's worth it anymore. It's headwrecking. I'm purposely not dating at the moment and my stress levels are so much lower.

It's not just you, it's dating. sorry I can't offer any more advice, but just know that it isn't personal, most likely. It's the way things are now.

lainey_d_123 · 13-09-2019 9:00pm

Daisy78 wrote: »

What type of men do you generally go for? Where do you meet them? Do you think that you gravitate towards certain men who would be players or who think they have plenty of choice? Do you express interest strongly enough?

But since dating apps took off, it feels like this is almost everyone who uses them. I was dating a guy whose own friends told him he'd found a good one with me and that he was punching. I'd say I was objectively the better looking one by quite a long way, and I got on with his friends and had a laugh, all really good and happy at the beginning. Then he obviously started feeling afraid to commit and ended up back looking at the apps, thinking he might be able to do a bit better. I eventually told him to go and find someone better then, because I was fcked if I was hanging around waiting to be 'chosen' over a bunch of photos on apps of people who might not even be real.

Last I heard, he hasn't had one date since we broke up and barely even any matches or conversation. His friends (I still talk to a couple and go out for a pint every now and then) think he's an idiot and are really frustrated with him. He's 38 with a receding hairline, beer belly and is a workaholic (despite having a pretty mediocre job) and he threw away a promising relationship because he thinks he's going to have a chance with some hot 22-year-old blonde on Tinder.

What do you do with that?

redfox123 · 13-09-2019 9:00pm

I would agree with the above, you have to actually be happy in yourself, as in not give a s*** whether you are ‘enough’ or are approved by others. You are the one who gets to decide this, not any randomer who knows nothing about you. Your insecurities are coming across and that is why people are losing interest. Stop caring what others think.

Princess Calla · 13-09-2019 9:10pm

I'll be honest the dating apps were only kicking off when I met my OH. Though I was on POF before that and I agree it was a bit of a headmelt coming home from a date that went well and seeing them online (even though I was doing the same..oops) . I've no experience of Tinder and I don't feel like I'm missing out.

That said there are still people out there meeting each other and settling down so all hope is not lost

Becareful with your attitude though try not to be negative which is why I suggested a new hobby, it will distract you if nothing else. Plus I do think when you are happy in yourself you do attract people.

You mention that you like running... Have you ever tried Park runs?

Also and this is the second time tonight I've suggested this....I'm not affiliated with any of them....but secondary schools often run evening hobby type classes starting at this time of year... Might be worth a visit.

Princess Calla · 13-09-2019 9:16pm

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

But since dating apps took off, it feels like this is almost everyone who uses them. I was dating a guy whose own friends told him he'd found a good one with me and that he was punching. I'd say I was objectively the better looking one by quite a long way, and I got on with his friends and had a laugh, all really good and happy at the beginning. Then he obviously started feeling afraid to commit and ended up back looking at the apps, thinking he might be able to do a bit better. I eventually told him to go and find someone better then, because I was fcked if I was hanging around waiting to be 'chosen' over a bunch of photos on apps of people who might not even be real.

Last I heard, he hasn't had one date since we broke up and barely even any matches or conversation. His friends (I still talk to a couple and go out for a pint every now and then) think he's an idiot and are really frustrated with him. He's 38 with a receding hairline, beer belly and is a workaholic (despite having a pretty mediocre job) and he threw away a promising relationship because he thinks he's going to have a chance with some hot 22-year-old blonde on Tinder.

What do you do with that?

Sounds like he has his own issues and you probably dodged a bullet.

I know it's as frustrating as hell, but don't let anyone steal your sparkle. Xx

BnB · 13-09-2019 9:35pm

<snip>

Mod warning:

Personal abuse is not tolerated in PI.

LegacyUser · 14-09-2019 1:01am

Kidchameleon wrote: »

What is the nature of your professional career? Does it take much of your time? I ask this because men in your age bracket are (generally) looking to settle down with the mother of their children and start a family. They want a woman who is going to look after the kids and be there for them while he works. This is a role that is hard to fill if you have a career that requires much of your time/traveling etc. I realize that some may call it sexist or whatever but that is the reality of nature. Everything else in your post paints you as a great catch but that is one thing that did jump out at me. Now I could be reading too much into it, your career might be a 9-5 or whatever but it may be something for you to consider.

Cant get into specifics on here but it’s medical and shift work.
Well, that’s what I want. I want to meet the right person, settle down, get a house and have children..I want to build a life with someone and have meaning to it.
I just cannot believe it will ever happen for me. Not when I can’t even get a date these days or a man to chat to me even.. I’m embarrassed for myself- how could a 29year old woman with “a lot going for me” be left on the shelf in favour of dating apps.. boggles the mind!

Kidchameleon · 14-09-2019 7:12am

It will happen, everyone finds someone. Stay away from negativity though. The dating apps are not working for you so don't use dating apps, people managed without them for hundreds of years. You say you have hobbies, well keep doing them, its only a matter of time before someone comes along.

lainey_d_123 · 14-09-2019 10:45am

Reallifegirlhere wrote: »

Cant get into specifics on here but it’s medical and shift work.
Well, that’s what I want. I want to meet the right person, settle down, get a house and have children..I want to build a life with someone and have meaning to it.
I just cannot believe it will ever happen for me. Not when I can’t even get a date these days or a man to chat to me even.. I’m embarrassed for myself- how could a 29year old woman with “a lot going for me” be left on the shelf in favour of dating apps.. boggles the mind!

And that's totally normal. There are plenty of women who do medical work and work long/weird hours who have partners and families. I for one would not want to be in a relationship with someone so sexist that they thought a woman's place was at home looking after the kids while the man works. I've found it true that it's been easier to find partners at times in my life when I've been the most vulnerable and financially insecure but the type of man who searches out women who they think need 'looking after' and 'protecting' can very easily turn abusive later, or the dynamic can get very toxic when there is such a power imbalance (and I've never been financially supported, but have had men almost laud it over me that they're more successful in life). Isn't it better to be self sufficient and able to look after yourself?

Aside from the negative talk about not believing it will ever happen (this can become a self fulfilling prophecy), is there a way you can get to the point of being OK if it doesn't happen? So much about relationships is down to blind luck. You can certainly increase your chances of meeting men by going out more, being more social (hobbies/clubs maybe, especially things where you get to chat to people properly like hiking), but it is really hard for some people to find someone they click with AND who likes them back AND who wants/can handle a serious relationship. Is there a way you could be happy even if you didn't meet someone?

bitofabind · 14-09-2019 11:36am

Stop seeking validation from men. It can make you needy and too dependent on someone you meet that you like from the get-go.

My experience of relationships is that they happen when you’re out there living a busy life being totally grand and happy in your own skin without feeling “less than” or “not enough” or waiting for a guy to come along and give your life meaning. Then someone really sees YOU and wants to get onboard. Not living through Instagram posing and posting fake news about your life in order to be validated.

Learn to flirt if you don’t already. Do what you need to do personally to be able to bring joy and lightheartedness into your daily life. For me it’s trips away with friends, long calls with my sister, burning off stress in fitness classes, staying well groomed and pampering myself! Your energy is a real, tangible thing to the opposite sex and if it’s giving off “I need a man to be ok” and “I never meet anyone why am I not enough?” You’re already on the back foot.

Also agree with Lainey, do whatever it takes to be ok and content on your own. You can still feel like you’d love to meet someone but stop letting that desire consume you. Right now you’re not with someone so you have to find a way to be at peace with that, otherwise your energy is all wrong and you’ll keep attracting men who can never give you this “approval” you need from them - self fulfilling prophecy.

Are there things from your childhood or early experiences that could be standing in your way? For example, my parents were pretty emotionally absent growing up and had a pretty bad relationship so I’ve identified I can have a pattern of repeating that experience in my dating life and going for emotionally unavailable men. Be brutal with yourself abs get some therapy if it’s something you think you should address.

15-09-2019 8:42am

<Mod snip - off topic>

To address the OPs point, I think many men are coming to the same conclusions as I have. Back in my day men could have this romantic idea of what long term relationships and women were like which quite frankly bore no resemblance to reality. Once they married it was too late. Sex wasn't on tap like it is now. Now they see from their own experiences and the likes of tinder and Instagram models what many women are actually like, and tbh it's pretty depressing. So a rational choice is to play the field for as long as possible.

The looking for lots of interests thing might be a way of filtering out women whose hobbies are drinking, looking for attention on social media and sleeping with different men with washboard abs. I am not saying you are like this OP, but a man looking for a LTR would be wondering what you are going to do all day if you have no hobbies and interests. He can find plenty of women like you on tinder or the like.

LegacyUser · 15-09-2019 9:25am

Deleted User wrote: »

To address the OPs point, I think many men are coming to the same conclusions as I have. Back in my day men could have this romantic idea of what long term relationships and women were like which quite frankly bore no resemblance to reality. Once they married it was too late. Sex wasn't on tap like it is now. Now they see from their own experiences and the likes of tinder and Instagram models what many women are actually like, and tbh it's pretty depressing. So a rational choice is to play the field for as long as possible.

The looking for lots of interests thing might be a way of filtering out women whose hobbies are drinking, looking for attention on social media and sleeping with different men with washboard abs. I am not saying you are like this OP, but a man looking for a LTR would be wondering what you are going to do all day if you have no hobbies and interests. He can find plenty of women like you on tinder or the like.

I’m not being clear so apologies. I want to have a chat, a laugh, a flirt with a man I find attractive and there’s a mutual attraction.
Of course I would like to settle down later if I meet the right person.
Nothing wrong with playing the field either - but I can’t seem to get the opportunity to play the field myself and have fun.
What I’m saying is I can’t seem to engage with fellas in my age group these days as they are either distracted, too busy or consumed with women online..
THEREFORE in the long term I feel like I will never meet someone to build a life with because right now, it feels like having a conversation, a laugh and/or interaction is asking a lot these days..

Actually I find men I meet are pursuing women who’s hobbies are partying/ attention seekers on social media.. And that’s not just men my age it also seems to be men who are older.

Yeah if the conversation went as far to actually establish if I do have any hobbies.
Just to be clear, I’m serious when I say men I’m talking to do not get that far in the conversation.

Maybe it really is just me..

Princess Calla · 15-09-2019 11:04am

I think dating has always been a minefield... Well in the last few decades anyway.

Look back on any sitcoms etc and someone's lovelife is always a disaster. You'll have the "unlucky in love" character and the "player" along side the smug married.

My opinion of dating apps these days from what I've heard is of a nightclub on steroids. Go out someone catches your eye spend the night chatting /dancing have a kiss, swap numbers...await the call that never comes.

The difference being nightclubs were usually a Friday /Saturday affair and expensive.

Dating apps now allow constant interactions with no expense. Unlike nightclubs you can be interacting with a number of people at a time.

However success from nightclubs was also fairly limited... The whole "I was drunk " line was rolled out so many times to flat out completely blanking you if you crossed paths the following week. Similarly success from apps is also fairly limited. Both scenes will attract the major players of the game.

I do however think that the majority of men and women (there are exceptions) do want a significant other in their lives.

Which is why I think meeting through a hobby /friend/work etc is the way that tends to be more successful as generally there's zero expectations, just two people having a chat over a common interest. Slowly building foundations of something that may turn into a friendship and then relationship.

LegacyUser · 15-09-2019 11:41am

Kidchameleon wrote: »

What is the nature of your professional career? Does it take much of your time? I ask this because men in your age bracket are (generally) looking to settle down with the mother of their children and start a family. They want a woman who is going to look after the kids and be there for them while he works. This is a role that is hard to fill if you have a career that requires much of your time/traveling etc. I realize that some may call it sexist or whatever but that is the reality of nature. Everything else in your post paints you as a great catch but that is one thing that did jump out at me. Now I could be reading too much into it, your career might be a 9-5 or whatever but it may be something for you to consider.

I really don't think men are generally looking to settle down at that age. On other threads where women are struggling to find men or to progress something casual into something that's a bit more serious, they are pretty much always told the opposite, that men that age are more cautious of seeing women close to 30 or older as they themselves think the woman wants to settle down and start a family and that the men don't want that, which is why they go for younger women, or even older women!

lainey_d_123 · 15-09-2019 12:08pm

Princess Calla wrote: »

I think dating has always been a minefield... Well in the last few decades anyway.

Look back on any sitcoms etc and someone's lovelife is always a disaster. You'll have the "unlucky in love" character and the "player" along side the smug married.

My opinion of dating apps these days from what I've heard is of a nightclub on steroids. Go out someone catches your eye spend the night chatting /dancing have a kiss, swap numbers...await the call that never comes.

The difference being nightclubs were usually a Friday /Saturday affair and expensive.

Dating apps now allow constant interactions with no expense. Unlike nightclubs you can be interacting with a number of people at a time.

However success from nightclubs was also fairly limited... The whole "I was drunk " line was rolled out so many times to flat out completely blanking you if you crossed paths the following week. Similarly success from apps is also fairly limited. Both scenes will attract the major players of the game.

I do however think that the majority of men and women (there are exceptions) do want a significant other in their lives.

Which is why I think meeting through a hobby /friend/work etc is the way that tends to be more successful as generally there's zero expectations, just two people having a chat over a common interest. Slowly building foundations of something that may turn into a friendship and then relationship.

100% agree with you there. Every one of my successful relationships have started like that...just chatting, then acquaintances, then friends, then dating. You can build up a pretty good picture of the person like that, seeing them interact with others, etc. The trouble is it gets harder to randomly bump into people who are also single, the older you get. I meet people all the time through work and hobbies and every last one of them seems to have a partner already. It's super frustrating. I guess this is why people use apps - at least people on there are (supposedly) single and looking.

Thelonious Monk · 15-09-2019 12:41pm

Kidchameleon wrote: »

It will happen, everyone finds someone

No they don't, I hate when people say this. I know people who've never had and probably never will have a partner.
Also lots of marriages and relationships are shams anyway, but people stay in them because they're too insecure to be single. F*ck that sh*t.
Being on your own is not the end of the world OP, and it may be a cliche but it's eternally true, if you're not happy on your own you wont be happy with someone else.
Oh and I'm 39 and met someone amazing recently, on bumble, having been single for pretty much 5 years, but I made sure I'd enjoy my life anyway. The apps have been nothing but good to me, make the most of them.

Princess Calla · 15-09-2019 1:56pm

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

100% agree with you there. Every one of my successful relationships have started like that...just chatting, then acquaintances, then friends, then dating. You can build up a pretty good picture of the person like that, seeing them interact with others, etc. The trouble is it gets harder to randomly bump into people who are also single, the older you get. I meet people all the time through work and hobbies and every last one of them seems to have a partner already. It's super frustrating. I guess this is why people use apps - at least people on there are (supposedly) single and looking.

I agree, I was "older" when I met my OH, a mutual friend introduced us and we just hit it off, we didn't get together for a while after introduction.

I was not long out of a long enough relationship in which he gave me "a list" of all what was wrong with me......I'm sure he felt he was helping me..... He actually wasn't a bad person, seriously he wasn't. But that list feckin hurt (it still kinda does) though some of the points were true, not that I've changed any of them.

But anyway the point I'm making is I wasn't looking. I even recited "the list" to my OH before we got together as a reason not to get together. He laughed and said F*ck it. Still together have our ups and downs, I'm far from perfect, he's not perfect, but then who is perfect?

khaldrogo · 15-09-2019 2:14pm

You are going for/attracted to the wrong type of men imo.

You sound like someone I would like to be with if I was young and single again.

Think about what you want from someone and look for that in a man above anything else(status, wealth, looks etc) and I suspect you will find a guy.

Reallifegirlhere wrote: »

Hi all,

Need advice.
I’m 29 F, single, never had a proper relationship.
I can’t seem to relate to men my age and a bit older. From my observations and talking to friends/co workers and even some interactions with men, it seems you have to have a interesting CV or instagram at the ready to interest men in their 20s and 30s these days.
I won’t lie - I haven’t travelled a lot (the odd holiday once a year) and I don’t do group sports or party hard etc..
Sure I understand you have to have a few things going for you.
I’m a normal girl with a professional career who keeps fit. I live a clean lifestyle and may drink occasionally. I would say I’m good looking, calm, thoughtful, kind and funny - But this isn’t enough these days..

The men I do encounter treat me they are half interested.. I’m barely given a chance to actually demonstrate my character before I’m wrote off..
It seems men I’ve met are more consumed with instagram and dating apps then interested in getting to know more about a woman in real life in front of them who is actually attracted to them..
I’m always told how beautiful and stunning I am by family, friends and colleagues but I just do not believe any of it anymore..

I’m 29 and miserable. I do feel depressed over this and feel like I’ll never meet anyone..
All I want to do is have fun, laugh and be desired by a man. It seems to be a lot to ask for nowadays.

Is it just me?

LegacyUser · 15-09-2019 2:24pm

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

I've died laughing a few times at pretentious men on apps who have grilled me on whether I'm intelligent/cultured/fit enough for them. Who do they think they are, like? If we're having a nice chat and you like the look of me, invite me out for a drink and we can see how we get on. Don't fcking interrogate me to see if I meet your lofty standards like you're some kind of prize. Anyone who can't quickly figure out whether or not a woman is the type you mention through a bit of normal conversation has very poor social skills, and I say that as someone who is on the autistic spectrum myself.

You're actually making OP's point here btw in that lots of men prefer to scroll endlessly through Tinder for meaningless sex (if they even get any) than try to build a real relationship with someone.

Couldn’t of said it better myself..
I understand as I said originally yes you have to have things going on in your life but I can not understand this behaviour from men these days..
A lot of them couldn’t hold a conversation with women in real life and pursue them in person.
They think they can hide behind a phone with their mental checklist..and order online!

Exactly - who do they think they are?
More in their line to cop on and talk to women in real life!

emilymemily · 15-09-2019 6:12pm

I agree with your post, ive been in a few relationships, some long term, some short and I never had any problem meeting men but since tinder became so popular I have noticed such a difference in how men approach dating and meeting women.

Tinder gives the illusion of having lots of choice and in my experience it feels like men are constantly looking for the next best thing and wont give women a chance because they always think they can do better.

It's so draining constantly feeling like you are being compared to other people and not being accepted and appreciated for who you are.

The funny thing about it is, half these women the men are chasing wouldnt give them a chance as the men in question, often dont have much going for them or would have little to offer a relationship with these types of women.

When I hear people in their 20's adn early 30's say they have travelled the world I am not impressed by it, it depends on the circumstances but generally the first thing that pops into my head when I hear this is 'privileged' it costs allot of money to travel, it requires having little to no responsibilities and is just not a realistic option for everyone and it in no way reflects on the character of a person or how fun or adventurous they are.

Metroid diorteM · 15-09-2019 6:46pm

I feel sorry for the op. I’m glad I wasn’t dating during the time of social media. What a nightmare.

I think there is an additional layer of difficulty these days with all the political tension too.

I hope you find your way!

LegacyUser · 15-09-2019 7:09pm

OP HERE

I’ve tried to reply twice to other posters but they aren’t being put up by the mods here?

It’s not even about getting married or settling down just yet.
It seems to be asking a lot now to have a laugh, conversation or a flirt with men in their 20s and 30s these days. They take themselves way too seriously now and always seem either distracted, too busy, unapproachable or just consumed with the phone and not looking up?

I’m only 29. Can’t remember the last time I had a laugh with a fella where there was a mutual connection and you could just be silly together ...
Very frustrating

suicide_circus · 15-09-2019 7:10pm

on the "you have to love yourself before you'll meet someone" trope...as a rule of thumb possibly but as an absolute necessity? No. Plenty of people met the love of their life when they were in a dark place.

lainey_d_123 · 15-09-2019 8:31pm

suicide_circus wrote: »

on the "you have to love yourself before you'll meet someone" trope...as a rule of thumb possibly but as an absolute necessity? No. Plenty of people met the love of their life when they were in a dark place.

As I've said, I think it's way more likely to meet someone when in a bad place and seeking companionship. I'm just not sure it's the best idea in the end because it can feel like the person is 'saving' you and it stops you from being forced to find a way to be happy alone. Just my two cents. I know that for myself, a lot of the relationships I've had were like 'band aids' as the Americans say...kind of covering up for stuff that was missing and stopping me needing to look closely at my true issues like childhood trauma and (at the time) undiagnosed autism. Or maybe this is just what most relationships ARE?

woodchuck · 15-09-2019 10:48pm

Mod note:

Reallifegirlhere wrote: »

OP HERE

I’ve tried to reply twice to other posters but they aren’t being put up by the mods here?

Hi OP, I've approved your posts now. Apologies for the delay; we're volunteers doing this in our spare time, so it can take time to review and approve anonymous posts.

I haven't had time to read every reply here in detail yet, but even at a glance I can see that things have been veering off topic. All posters are reminded to stay on topic and only post if they have advice for the OP. Back and forth bickering and/or debating is not allowed.

ILoveYourVibes · 16-09-2019 2:20am

Reallifegirlhere wrote: »

Hi all,

Need advice.
I’m 29 F, single, never had a proper relationship.
I can’t seem to relate to men my age and a bit older. From my observations and talking to friends/co workers and even some interactions with men, it seems you have to have a interesting CV or instagram at the ready to interest men in their 20s and 30s these days.
I won’t lie - I haven’t travelled a lot (the odd holiday once a year) and I don’t do group sports or party hard etc..
Sure I understand you have to have a few things going for you.
I’m a normal girl with a professional career who keeps fit. I live a clean lifestyle and may drink occasionally. I would say I’m good looking, calm, thoughtful, kind and funny - But this isn’t enough these days..

The men I do encounter treat me they are half interested.. I’m barely given a chance to actually demonstrate my character before I’m wrote off..
It seems men I’ve met are more consumed with instagram and dating apps then interested in getting to know more about a woman in real life in front of them who is actually attracted to them..
I’m always told how beautiful and stunning I am by family, friends and colleagues but I just do not believe any of it anymore..

I’m 29 and miserable. I do feel depressed over this and feel like I’ll never meet anyone..
All I want to do is have fun, laugh and be desired by a man. It seems to be a lot to ask for nowadays.

Is it just me?

There is a bit of truth to that op. I don't do Instagram because the idea of loading the WRONG pic accidentally straight from my phone scares me.

Get yourself an instagram girl. I do think it makes a difference these days. Also posting the wrong stuff on instagram. Keep it LIKE a cv ...i mean don't do drunk posting or get too personal or controversial. Its not cute.

I dunno maybe others think it doesn't matter though who knows ....i dunno if it does really. But still.

Whitestripe · 16-09-2019 5:39am

Hi OP
I would not necessarily go down the instagram route. People use it to raise their profile and while it will get you more attention it will chip away at your confidence. I think you are "lucky" in the way that you have interests and hobbies, stick to those and see if you meet someone who has a similar mindset as you. Ultimately you want to meet someone who likes you as you are, not the online persona you create. You will feel better again

17-09-2019 7:23am

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

I literally explained how I have personal experience of men who swooped in and 'saved' me when I was at my lowest ebb turning out to be abusive and how I notice that it seems to be much easier to attract the wrong sort of person when you're in a bad place, and what you took from that was that I'm a career-obsessed woman who tries to control men?

Scary levels of projection.

(and I've never been financially supported, but have had men almost laud it over me that they're more successful in life). Isn't it better to be self sufficient and able to look after yourself?

Here you say about men lauding it over you because they make more money and how it's better to be self sufficient... Gave the impression to me. Nothing to do with projection. I apologised for getting the wrong impression and instead of just acknowledging it you keep going. I'm going to stop now as this is dreadfully off topic and I apologise to to the OP.

woodchuck · 17-09-2019 8:38am

Mod note:

lainey_d_123 and soupandpoitin, I've already posted once in this thread asking everyone to keep things on topic. As I hadn't called you both out specifically the first time, I won't card you at this time. However, if you keep it up, I'll have to take firmer action for ignoring mod instruction. Please only post if you have helpful advice for the OP. All the back and forth detracts from their issue.

Addle · 17-09-2019 8:42am

Maybe you should try a more mature man OP?

Homelander · 17-09-2019 10:20am

To be honest, these types of posts I always immediately know the problem is with the OP rather than the wider world, and I don't mean that in a nasty way. You're basically writing yourself off, as well as appearing to be writing off every guy as 'just another typical guy' that fits this bizarre and untrue mould you've yourself created for them.

I’m a normal girl with a professional career who keeps fit. I live a clean lifestyle and may drink occasionally. I would say I’m good looking, calm, thoughtful, kind and funny - But this isn’t enough these days..

Yes it is. 99% of men don't give an utter **** about your instagram, your travels, your CV or your ability to 'party hard'. They very much care about the exact things you're claiming are not enough.

It's blatantly clear from your OP that you are your own worst enemy and self-sabotaging. You think to give it a break for a while and rethink your attitude as well as how you're approaching finding a partner.

<Mod snip - off topic>

lainey_d_123 · 17-09-2019 11:00am

Homelander wrote: »

To be honest, these types of posts I always immediately know the problem is with the OP rather than the wider world, and I don't mean that in a nasty way. You're basically writing yourself off, as well as appearing to be writing off every guy as 'just another typical guy' that fits this bizarre and untrue mould you've yourself created for them.

Yes it is. 99% of men don't give an utter **** about your instagram, your travels, your CV or your ability to 'party hard'. They very much care about the exact things you're claiming are not enough.

It's blatantly clear from your OP that you are your own worst enemy and self-sabotaging. You think to give it a break for a while and rethink your attitude as well as how you're approaching finding a partner.

I'm not sure the Instagram and travel things are accurate, but there most definitely is a very weird attitude from a lot of people on the apps. Feels like a competition where you are constantly asked to prove your worth. Very bad for your self esteem and OP should probably be looking elsewhere and aiming to connect with people on a personal level without all the dating app fluff and games.

<Mod snip - off topic discussion deleted>

LegacyUser · 17-09-2019 11:10am

Hi all,

I appreciate all the replies but feel a bit lost in my own thread.

Just to clarify - I’m not the one obsessed with social media or instagram. I just mentioned that I felt majority of men seemed to be judging women based on this rather then getting to know women in real life .

I want to have a chat or laugh with a fella where there’s a mutual attraction and something develops naturally.
But it seems a lot of men in their 20s and 30s are distracted or too busy.

Thelonious Monk · 17-09-2019 11:20am

Online dating is initially based on appearances and first electronic impressions. If you cant handle that then you need to get out of the kitchen.
As a man who has used these dating sites, women banging on about travel and instagram would be a no for me mostly, so you shouldnt generalise.

woodchuck · 17-09-2019 11:22am

Mod note:

I appreciate all the replies but feel a bit lost in my own thread.

I'm sorry for that OP. I've done a bit of a clean up now to get rid of the more off topic posts. Generally we don't like deleting posts, but I agree that it was getting difficult to pick out the genuine advice.

I'm going to say this once more very loudy for everyone: NO MORE OFF TOPIC POSTING! I've already given out one card for ignoring mod instruction and will give out more if I have to. One sentance addressed to the OP in a wall of otherwise off topic text is not a valid loop hole.

LegacyUser · 17-09-2019 11:31am

Thelonious Monk wrote: »

Online dating is initially based on appearances and first electronic impressions. If you cant handle that then you need to get out of the kitchen.
As a man who has used these dating sites, women banging on about travel and instagram would be a no for me mostly, so you shouldnt generalise.

I am not dating online.
As I have tried to say about 5 times, I am trying to simply engage and talk to fellas in real life but THEY are either distracted, too busy or fixated with women on social media or dating apps.

I don’t mean to generalise, Im just sharing my experience so far with men I’ve tried to talk to or men I know and it SEEMS that’s what they go for.

Thelonious Monk · 17-09-2019 11:38am

Reallifegirlhere wrote: »

I am not dating online.
As I have tried to say about 5 times, I am trying to simply engage and talk to fellas in real life but THEY are either distracted, too busy or fixated with women on social media or dating apps.

I don’t mean to generalise, Im just sharing my experience so far with men I’ve tried to talk to or men I know and it SEEMS that’s what they go for.

Well you're just having a run of bad luck. If you can put up with some of the frustrations of online dating it's worth it I think, there are lots of nice people out there. I haven't met a girl in a bar in years, do people even meet that way any more? I'm 39 though so maybe just past it.

bitofabind · 17-09-2019 11:40am

What if you actually decided to get happy on your own, without relying on men to make you feel good about yourself or validated?

You clearly are telling yourself a lot of stories about "men" and what their lack of attention means. Why?

I've been single about 2 years and have had some rough dating experiences in the last year or so. I recently had an epiphany. With 99.99999% of the men you meet, it won't work out. It's not personal, it's not some situation unique to you and how "unattractive" or "not good enough" you are, it's just the ways of the universe. That's dating. That's clearly your experience too.

So given that's the case, do you think wise or practical to channel all of your self-worth, your sense of happiness and your sense of who you are, into men and dating? Isn't it a bit of a silly thing to do really, given that most dating experiences don't go the distance? How's that going to work out for you for the next 30 - 40 years, if you continue to meet guys that end up leaving your life and every single time your brain tells you "I'm not good enough, I'm not attractive enough."

Frankly, it's dumb. You're a smart, educated, hard-working woman and it sets you up for nothing but misery at the hands of men that you barely know who should never have that power in the first place. A misery that bleeds into desperation and panic and reduces your chances again of meeting someone decent. So stop doing it. Find a way to parent yourself and to be happy on your own.

Have a strong social circle. Have lots of hobbies. Have a full life that anyone would be honoured to enter, so that these dating experiences can be brushed off for what they are - just dating. Not the power to control your life and tell you once again that you're "not enough."

This might require therapy. I'm currently going through it. i'm also taking time off dating for the next few months so i can fix this pattern of giving men all the power and having zero chill when i reach a stage of interest in a dating scenario. it's not working for me so i'm fixing my mindset to better handle things. an interesting thing i'm noticing too is that the things you think are absolutely vital in a dating scenario can often be red flags. for example, strong chemistry straight away. that's danger for me, it means drama and no boundaries and highs followed by lows in the end. the right relationship will be "Boring", drama-free, you won't have to worry about his feelings for you and it'll be things like kindness, honesty and emotional availability that will draw you in instead of some guy you simply fancy the pants off. is that the kind of guy you're going for?

Frankly OP, the problem lies with you. It's a sh1tshow out there especially with the apps and social media, but if your self-esteem was in tact these men wouldn't be on your radar in the first place. You'd weed them out instead of looking for validation from them.

Thelonious Monk · 17-09-2019 11:45am

Yes, what ginandtonicsky says. I used to put too much into worrying about women and having a relationship but I've noticed that although I really like my current gf, I find it hard to balance my life now as it's a relatively new relationship. When I became single a few years ago I thought I needed to change and get my own sh*t together. I'm busy now socially and playing the piano and reading as important to me as any relationship. If she fecked off now well so be it, I have other things to be doing. You need to cultivate this attitude.

LegacyUser · 17-09-2019 11:45am

Thelonious Monk wrote: »

Well you're just having a run of bad luck. If you can put up with some of the frustrations of online dating it's worth it I think, there are lots of nice people out there. I haven't met a girl in a bar in years, do people even meet that way any more? I'm 39 though so maybe just past it.

Perhaps it is just a lot of bad luck lately (hopefully it will turn around)
Here’s the thing. People meet each other or encounter the opposite sex all the time, whether it be out and about or at work - the problem is the lack of effort and conversation..

Personally, even though it’s not going well at the moment, I’d prefer to meet a man in person and get the measure of him there rather than online.

Not enough these days?

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