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Not enough these days?

LegacyUser

Hi all,

Need advice.
I’m 29 F, single, never had a proper relationship.
I can’t seem to relate to men my age and a bit older. From my observations and talking to friends/co workers and even some interactions with men, it seems you have to have a interesting CV or instagram at the ready to interest men in their 20s and 30s these days.
I won’t lie - I haven’t travelled a lot (the odd holiday once a year) and I don’t do group sports or party hard etc..
Sure I understand you have to have a few things going for you.
I’m a normal girl with a professional career who keeps fit. I live a clean lifestyle and may drink occasionally. I would say I’m good looking, calm, thoughtful, kind and funny - But this isn’t enough these days..

The men I do encounter treat me they are half interested.. I’m barely given a chance to actually demonstrate my character before I’m wrote off..
It seems men I’ve met are more consumed with instagram and dating apps then interested in getting to know more about a woman in real life in front of them who is actually attracted to them..
I’m always told how beautiful and stunning I am by family, friends and colleagues but I just do not believe any of it anymore..

I’m 29 and miserable. I do feel depressed over this and feel like I’ll never meet anyone..
All I want to do is have fun, laugh and be desired by a man. It seems to be a lot to ask for nowadays.

Is it just me?

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Metroid diorteM

I feel sorry for the op. I’m glad I wasn’t dating during the time of social media. What a nightmare.

I think there is an additional layer of difficulty these days with all the political tension too.

I hope you find your way!

LegacyUser

OP HERE

I’ve tried to reply twice to other posters but they aren’t being put up by the mods here?

It’s not even about getting married or settling down just yet.
It seems to be asking a lot now to have a laugh, conversation or a flirt with men in their 20s and 30s these days. They take themselves way too seriously now and always seem either distracted, too busy, unapproachable or just consumed with the phone and not looking up?

I’m only 29. Can’t remember the last time I had a laugh with a fella where there was a mutual connection and you could just be silly together ...
Very frustrating

suicide_circus

on the "you have to love yourself before you'll meet someone" trope...as a rule of thumb possibly but as an absolute necessity? No. Plenty of people met the love of their life when they were in a dark place.

lainey_d_123

suicide_circus wrote: »

on the "you have to love yourself before you'll meet someone" trope...as a rule of thumb possibly but as an absolute necessity? No. Plenty of people met the love of their life when they were in a dark place.

As I've said, I think it's way more likely to meet someone when in a bad place and seeking companionship. I'm just not sure it's the best idea in the end because it can feel like the person is 'saving' you and it stops you from being forced to find a way to be happy alone. Just my two cents. I know that for myself, a lot of the relationships I've had were like 'band aids' as the Americans say...kind of covering up for stuff that was missing and stopping me needing to look closely at my true issues like childhood trauma and (at the time) undiagnosed autism. Or maybe this is just what most relationships ARE?

woodchuck

Mod note:

Reallifegirlhere wrote: »

OP HERE

I’ve tried to reply twice to other posters but they aren’t being put up by the mods here?

Hi OP, I've approved your posts now. Apologies for the delay; we're volunteers doing this in our spare time, so it can take time to review and approve anonymous posts.

I haven't had time to read every reply here in detail yet, but even at a glance I can see that things have been veering off topic. All posters are reminded to stay on topic and only post if they have advice for the OP. Back and forth bickering and/or debating is not allowed.

ILoveYourVibes

Reallifegirlhere wrote: »

Hi all,

Need advice.
I’m 29 F, single, never had a proper relationship.
I can’t seem to relate to men my age and a bit older. From my observations and talking to friends/co workers and even some interactions with men, it seems you have to have a interesting CV or instagram at the ready to interest men in their 20s and 30s these days.
I won’t lie - I haven’t travelled a lot (the odd holiday once a year) and I don’t do group sports or party hard etc..
Sure I understand you have to have a few things going for you.
I’m a normal girl with a professional career who keeps fit. I live a clean lifestyle and may drink occasionally. I would say I’m good looking, calm, thoughtful, kind and funny - But this isn’t enough these days..

The men I do encounter treat me they are half interested.. I’m barely given a chance to actually demonstrate my character before I’m wrote off..
It seems men I’ve met are more consumed with instagram and dating apps then interested in getting to know more about a woman in real life in front of them who is actually attracted to them..
I’m always told how beautiful and stunning I am by family, friends and colleagues but I just do not believe any of it anymore..

I’m 29 and miserable. I do feel depressed over this and feel like I’ll never meet anyone..
All I want to do is have fun, laugh and be desired by a man. It seems to be a lot to ask for nowadays.

Is it just me?

There is a bit of truth to that op. I don't do Instagram because the idea of loading the WRONG pic accidentally straight from my phone scares me.

Get yourself an instagram girl. I do think it makes a difference these days. Also posting the wrong stuff on instagram. Keep it LIKE a cv ...i mean don't do drunk posting or get too personal or controversial. Its not cute.

I dunno maybe others think it doesn't matter though who knows ....i dunno if it does really. But still.

Whitestripe

Hi OP
I would not necessarily go down the instagram route. People use it to raise their profile and while it will get you more attention it will chip away at your confidence. I think you are "lucky" in the way that you have interests and hobbies, stick to those and see if you meet someone who has a similar mindset as you. Ultimately you want to meet someone who likes you as you are, not the online persona you create. You will feel better again

[Deleted User]

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

I literally explained how I have personal experience of men who swooped in and 'saved' me when I was at my lowest ebb turning out to be abusive and how I notice that it seems to be much easier to attract the wrong sort of person when you're in a bad place, and what you took from that was that I'm a career-obsessed woman who tries to control men?

Scary levels of projection.

(and I've never been financially supported, but have had men almost laud it over me that they're more successful in life). Isn't it better to be self sufficient and able to look after yourself?

Here you say about men lauding it over you because they make more money and how it's better to be self sufficient... Gave the impression to me. Nothing to do with projection. I apologised for getting the wrong impression and instead of just acknowledging it you keep going. I'm going to stop now as this is dreadfully off topic and I apologise to to the OP.

woodchuck

Mod note:

lainey_d_123 and soupandpoitin, I've already posted once in this thread asking everyone to keep things on topic. As I hadn't called you both out specifically the first time, I won't card you at this time. However, if you keep it up, I'll have to take firmer action for ignoring mod instruction. Please only post if you have helpful advice for the OP. All the back and forth detracts from their issue.

Addle

Maybe you should try a more mature man OP?

Homelander

To be honest, these types of posts I always immediately know the problem is with the OP rather than the wider world, and I don't mean that in a nasty way. You're basically writing yourself off, as well as appearing to be writing off every guy as 'just another typical guy' that fits this bizarre and untrue mould you've yourself created for them.

I’m a normal girl with a professional career who keeps fit. I live a clean lifestyle and may drink occasionally. I would say I’m good looking, calm, thoughtful, kind and funny - But this isn’t enough these days..

Yes it is. 99% of men don't give an utter **** about your instagram, your travels, your CV or your ability to 'party hard'. They very much care about the exact things you're claiming are not enough.

It's blatantly clear from your OP that you are your own worst enemy and self-sabotaging. You think to give it a break for a while and rethink your attitude as well as how you're approaching finding a partner.

<Mod snip - off topic>

lainey_d_123

Homelander wrote: »

To be honest, these types of posts I always immediately know the problem is with the OP rather than the wider world, and I don't mean that in a nasty way. You're basically writing yourself off, as well as appearing to be writing off every guy as 'just another typical guy' that fits this bizarre and untrue mould you've yourself created for them.

Yes it is. 99% of men don't give an utter **** about your instagram, your travels, your CV or your ability to 'party hard'. They very much care about the exact things you're claiming are not enough.

It's blatantly clear from your OP that you are your own worst enemy and self-sabotaging. You think to give it a break for a while and rethink your attitude as well as how you're approaching finding a partner.

I'm not sure the Instagram and travel things are accurate, but there most definitely is a very weird attitude from a lot of people on the apps. Feels like a competition where you are constantly asked to prove your worth. Very bad for your self esteem and OP should probably be looking elsewhere and aiming to connect with people on a personal level without all the dating app fluff and games.

<Mod snip - off topic discussion deleted>

LegacyUser

Hi all,

I appreciate all the replies but feel a bit lost in my own thread.

Just to clarify - I’m not the one obsessed with social media or instagram. I just mentioned that I felt majority of men seemed to be judging women based on this rather then getting to know women in real life .

I want to have a chat or laugh with a fella where there’s a mutual attraction and something develops naturally.
But it seems a lot of men in their 20s and 30s are distracted or too busy.

Thelonious Monk

Online dating is initially based on appearances and first electronic impressions. If you cant handle that then you need to get out of the kitchen.
As a man who has used these dating sites, women banging on about travel and instagram would be a no for me mostly, so you shouldnt generalise.

woodchuck

Mod note:

I appreciate all the replies but feel a bit lost in my own thread.

I'm sorry for that OP. I've done a bit of a clean up now to get rid of the more off topic posts. Generally we don't like deleting posts, but I agree that it was getting difficult to pick out the genuine advice.

I'm going to say this once more very loudy for everyone: NO MORE OFF TOPIC POSTING! I've already given out one card for ignoring mod instruction and will give out more if I have to. One sentance addressed to the OP in a wall of otherwise off topic text is not a valid loop hole.

LegacyUser

Thelonious Monk wrote: »

Online dating is initially based on appearances and first electronic impressions. If you cant handle that then you need to get out of the kitchen.
As a man who has used these dating sites, women banging on about travel and instagram would be a no for me mostly, so you shouldnt generalise.

I am not dating online.
As I have tried to say about 5 times, I am trying to simply engage and talk to fellas in real life but THEY are either distracted, too busy or fixated with women on social media or dating apps.

I don’t mean to generalise, Im just sharing my experience so far with men I’ve tried to talk to or men I know and it SEEMS that’s what they go for.

Thelonious Monk

Reallifegirlhere wrote: »

I am not dating online.
As I have tried to say about 5 times, I am trying to simply engage and talk to fellas in real life but THEY are either distracted, too busy or fixated with women on social media or dating apps.

I don’t mean to generalise, Im just sharing my experience so far with men I’ve tried to talk to or men I know and it SEEMS that’s what they go for.

Well you're just having a run of bad luck. If you can put up with some of the frustrations of online dating it's worth it I think, there are lots of nice people out there. I haven't met a girl in a bar in years, do people even meet that way any more? I'm 39 though so maybe just past it.

bitofabind

What if you actually decided to get happy on your own, without relying on men to make you feel good about yourself or validated?

You clearly are telling yourself a lot of stories about "men" and what their lack of attention means. Why?

I've been single about 2 years and have had some rough dating experiences in the last year or so. I recently had an epiphany. With 99.99999% of the men you meet, it won't work out. It's not personal, it's not some situation unique to you and how "unattractive" or "not good enough" you are, it's just the ways of the universe. That's dating. That's clearly your experience too.

So given that's the case, do you think wise or practical to channel all of your self-worth, your sense of happiness and your sense of who you are, into men and dating? Isn't it a bit of a silly thing to do really, given that most dating experiences don't go the distance? How's that going to work out for you for the next 30 - 40 years, if you continue to meet guys that end up leaving your life and every single time your brain tells you "I'm not good enough, I'm not attractive enough."

Frankly, it's dumb. You're a smart, educated, hard-working woman and it sets you up for nothing but misery at the hands of men that you barely know who should never have that power in the first place. A misery that bleeds into desperation and panic and reduces your chances again of meeting someone decent. So stop doing it. Find a way to parent yourself and to be happy on your own.

Have a strong social circle. Have lots of hobbies. Have a full life that anyone would be honoured to enter, so that these dating experiences can be brushed off for what they are - just dating. Not the power to control your life and tell you once again that you're "not enough."

This might require therapy. I'm currently going through it. i'm also taking time off dating for the next few months so i can fix this pattern of giving men all the power and having zero chill when i reach a stage of interest in a dating scenario. it's not working for me so i'm fixing my mindset to better handle things. an interesting thing i'm noticing too is that the things you think are absolutely vital in a dating scenario can often be red flags. for example, strong chemistry straight away. that's danger for me, it means drama and no boundaries and highs followed by lows in the end. the right relationship will be "Boring", drama-free, you won't have to worry about his feelings for you and it'll be things like kindness, honesty and emotional availability that will draw you in instead of some guy you simply fancy the pants off. is that the kind of guy you're going for?

Frankly OP, the problem lies with you. It's a sh1tshow out there especially with the apps and social media, but if your self-esteem was in tact these men wouldn't be on your radar in the first place. You'd weed them out instead of looking for validation from them.

Thelonious Monk

Yes, what ginandtonicsky says. I used to put too much into worrying about women and having a relationship but I've noticed that although I really like my current gf, I find it hard to balance my life now as it's a relatively new relationship. When I became single a few years ago I thought I needed to change and get my own sh*t together. I'm busy now socially and playing the piano and reading as important to me as any relationship. If she fecked off now well so be it, I have other things to be doing. You need to cultivate this attitude.

LegacyUser

Thelonious Monk wrote: »

Well you're just having a run of bad luck. If you can put up with some of the frustrations of online dating it's worth it I think, there are lots of nice people out there. I haven't met a girl in a bar in years, do people even meet that way any more? I'm 39 though so maybe just past it.

Perhaps it is just a lot of bad luck lately (hopefully it will turn around)
Here’s the thing. People meet each other or encounter the opposite sex all the time, whether it be out and about or at work - the problem is the lack of effort and conversation..

Personally, even though it’s not going well at the moment, I’d prefer to meet a man in person and get the measure of him there rather than online.

lainey_d_123

Reallifegirlhere wrote: »

I am not dating online.
As I have tried to say about 5 times, I am trying to simply engage and talk to fellas in real life but THEY are either distracted, too busy or fixated with women on social media or dating apps.

I don’t mean to generalise, Im just sharing my experience so far with men I’ve tried to talk to or men I know and it SEEMS that’s what they go for.

Yes, this is the issue with the apps...it goes beyond the apps. Even if you've chosen not to use them, everyone else is using them, so in the end you're still impacted by them. I've literally seen people sitting in a pub or a bar ignoring the people around them so they can message on Tinder.

I suggested trying activities with the type of people who don't tend to be attached to their phones and activities which don't go hand in hand with being on the phone (hiking, walking, climbing) and are more suited to talking to the people around you. Have you tried that?

lainey_d_123

Reallifegirlhere wrote: »

Perhaps it is just a lot of bad luck lately (hopefully it will turn around)
Here’s the thing. People meet each other or encounter the opposite sex all the time, whether it be out and about or at work - the problem is the lack of effort and conversation..

Personally, even though it’s not going well at the moment, I’d prefer to meet a man in person and get the measure of him there rather than online.

Well, if other people are doing it, then why can't you?

If you really NEVER meet anyone who makes an effort or can have a conversation, then it might be worth taking a look at yourself as well. Do you approach people? Do you have interesting things to talk about? Do you ask people about themselves?

I go to a lot of meetups these days for different hobbies and it would be rare to come home from an event having had NO good conversation with anyone at all. There are a lot of people who seem to sit there and be entertained without contributing anything, but there's normally at least one or two who are interested and interesting.

Thelonious Monk

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

I suggested trying activities with the type of people who don't tend to be attached to their phones and activities which don't go hand in hand with being on the phone (hiking, walking, climbing) and are more suited to talking to the people around you. Have you tried that?

And where does she meet these people in the first place? Girl I'm currently seeing, from a dating app, we've already been up Carrauntoohil, and other hikes around Ireland, but I wouldn't have met her without the app or had anyone to do these things with!

LegacyUser

Thelonious Monk wrote: »

And where does she meet these people in the first place? Girl I'm currently seeing, from a dating app, we've already been up Carrauntoohil, and other hikes around Ireland, but I wouldn't have met her without the app or had anyone to do these things with!

...that sounds like my ideal date

At the moment, work

Thelonious Monk

Reallifegirlhere wrote: »

...that sounds like my ideal date

At the moment, work

Well as I said this wouldn't have been possible without the apps. And I have been on countless dates over the last few years and was pretty much done with them so I just kept them in the background as an option.
You're relatively young, it sounds like you've got your sh*t together, so just try and enjoy your life without a man for now, trust me it's not the be all and end all of life. The options we in Ireland have nowadays makes us some of the most privileged people on the planet, try to remember that. You already have an amazing life.

lainey_d_123

Thelonious Monk wrote: »

And where does she meet these people in the first place? Girl I'm currently seeing, from a dating app, we've already been up Carrauntoohil, and other hikes around Ireland, but I wouldn't have met her without the app or had anyone to do these things with!

I'm honestly not trying to be smart here, but what do you think people did before dating apps were invented? This is exactly the mentality OP is talking about...that people are so distracted by Tinder that they think it's the be-all and end-all and don't look around at the world that's in front of them.

I've met people in the last few weeks just by striking up conversations with people around me if I'm standing in a queue for something or waiting for someone to join me. Went to meet a friend for a drink and she was delayed so rather than sit like a lemon and scroll through Instagram, I went up to two men who looked friendly enough and asked their opinion on which of the beers I should try first. We all ended up drinking together and then going on somewhere else and now I have two new friends (neither of them were single, unfortunately!)

There are clubs and meetups for all kinds of hobbies and that's another way I meet people. I'm in a few different hiking groups and some other things as well. The only issue is that it's a minority of people who do this stuff and actively seek to meet new people. It used to be pretty much everyone, because interacting with strangers was the only way to meet a potential partner. Now people can sit at home and swipe through pictures on Tinder instead, they have either lost their social skills or can't be bothered. But even if it's harder than before, there are still plenty of ways to meet people in real life.

LegacyUser

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

people are so distracted .

The very point.
Can be intimidating to try and talk to someone who is distracted and appears unapproachable as it comes across as disinterested in what you have to say..
I wouldn’t exactly be very forward, loud or push for conversation but I’m willing to engage if there is interest in doing so from the other party. Like if I pass a comment to a man and he engages, great. But if he doesn’t come back with something to continue the conversation and appears dismissive, I’ll leave it.

I was into a man recently and we used to chat the odd time but he encompasses all three factors: constantly distracted, appears unapproachable and too busy to talk to anyone.
I did make try and make myself approachable, look my best and was around him and often recoiled from chatting to him first because he came across as unapproachable.
I did think there was a mutual attraction as he used to stare at me a lot and as if he wanted to talk but would walk away and seem very distracted.
He’s not the only person I’ve experienced this with. Just the most recent.

Jesus I just want some fun with someone. A flirt. A laugh- where can one have a laugh these days?

Thelonious Monk

People aren't distracted if they fancy you

LegacyUser

Thelonious Monk wrote: »

People aren't distracted if they fancy you

I know

lainey_d_123

Thelonious Monk wrote: »

People aren't distracted if they fancy you

Which, again, brings it back to people's short attention spans and focus on the superficial. Not a single one of my previous partners caught my eye the first time I saw them. I started to become more attracted to them as I got talking to them and got to know them. How can OP get talking to people if they brush her off and put their heads back in their phones?