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Scared of pregnancy due to interfering mother in law

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  • 26-02-2020 10:03pm
    #1
    Maddy88
    Registered Users Posts: 9 ✭


    I could really do with any advice people have. I have a very opinionated mother in law and I experienced the worst side of her last year when we were planning our wedding. I tried to get her involved in the planning process and she took over interfering. I finally stood up to her and to be honest, I've been getting a cold shoulder since. Id say nobody ever stood up to this lady before and she thought I had a temper for raising my voice to her. All of my friends have had arguments with their mothers in law but none have experienced anything like this, she never looks at her actions or how she might have provoked a person or interfered and she is the most stubborn person I know, will never let anything go. She wants you to be running after her.

    I love my husband so much and of course, he loves his mother and sometimes finds it difficult to see her faults, of course she is super nice to him. We have a great life together and would love to have a family. I have kept my distance from his mother for the past year, a few obligatory visits but no more one on one calls, texts or meet ups. I am nervous about getting pregnant if I am going to be overwhelmed by her interference and it will ultimately mean that I will have to see her more often. Any advice would be greatly welcome?


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    #2
    pwurple
    Closed Accounts Posts: 12,449 ✭✭✭✭pwurple


    She sounds like a strong woman, and you also sound like a strong woman who can stand up for yourself. It also sounds like you are used to independently running your own life and she overstepped a bit with you. Your don’t give any details, was it misguided helpfullness? . Remember She is a few decades down the line and runs her families lives as well perhaps.

    You may have more in common than you think if you’re both strong willed naturally?

    I think keep your mother in law on side as much as possible when thinking about children. Family support (childcare, help with babies) can be so helpful , and it is great when it works, to keep that grandparent relationship going. Can you rebuild the relationship?


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    #3
    hairyprincess
    Registered Users Posts: 2,293 ✭✭✭hairyprincess


    If you plan strategically then you won’t have to see her any more than what YOU want to. If and when the time comes that there’s children in your marriage and she visits your home, take that time to go and have a lie down, a bath or to go and run some errands, whatever works.
    And for visiting her in her home, let your husband do that, there’s no need for you to be going.
    You have to learn to manage the situation.


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    #4
    Maddy88
    Registered Users Posts: 9 ✭Maddy88


    pwurple wrote: »
    She sounds like a strong woman, and you also sound like a strong woman who can stand up for yourself. It also sounds like you are used to independently running your own life and she overstepped a bit with you. Your don’t give any details, was it misguided helpfullness? . Remember She is a few decades down the line and runs her families lives as well perhaps.

    You may have more in common than you think if you’re both strong willed naturally?

    I think keep your mother in law on side as much as possible when thinking about children. Family support (childcare, help with babies) can be so helpful , and it is great when it works, to keep that grandparent relationship going. Can you rebuild the relationship?

    From the word go, she was overboard. She thought my bridesmaid dresses were a disgusting colour and wanted me to change a bridesmaid when she announced her pregnancy. She went to the same hat maker as my mother without asking what my Mam had ordered. She arranged her own meeting with the hotel manager and called to my florist of her own accord to see what flowers I ordered. I invited her to my hen and dress fitting. She insisted on the style of invite she liked and it was inviting people extra to her list that I finally rang and said she needed to pull back. The following week, she ignored my calls and texts and then showed up all opinions to our meal tasting. The night before the wedding, she refused to put a picture in a frame of her and her husband to go beside the wedding cake. She spoke to me once at the church on the day of the wedding, no more. Following on from the wedding, she didn’t lift the phone to say enjoy the honeymoon or congratulate me on my job promotion. I didn’t see her for 6 months until I called down with a Xmas gift.


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    #5
    Maddy88
    Registered Users Posts: 9 ✭Maddy88


    hairyprincess wrote: »
    If you plan strategically then you won’t have to see her any more than what YOU want to. If and when the time comes that there’s children in your marriage and she visits your home, take that time to go and have a lie down, a bath or to go and run some errands, whatever works.
    And for visiting her in her home, let your husband do that, there’s no need for you to be going.
    You have to learn to manage the situation.

    You are so right. It’s all about setting boundaries.
    I am an over thinker and I think that’s why I have struggled with this. I don’t want a close relationship with her as I have learned my lesson from that, she uses that position to take control. Had she acknowledged some wrong doing or made some effort instead of being so steadfast, I would have liked a relationship with her.


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    #6
    GCIREL
    Registered Users Posts: 48 ✭GCIREL


    Honestly you need to just move along with the family plan... I have the MIL from hell actually I'd say even satan will refuse her entry when the time comes.

    I had a baby last year and honestly it changes your entire life. You mature over night, things that were once intimidating suddenly don't matter a sh1te. You live to protect this little human and you find a voice.

    I'm telling you honestly she'll probably try to take over but it's like mama bear mode kicks in and you'll just have her bacl in her box in no time. If she wants to be in your lives she'll cop on if she doesn't her loss

    Good luck :)


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    #7
    meeeeh
    Registered Users Posts: 11,624 ✭✭✭✭meeeeh


    Maddy88 wrote: »
    You are so right. It’s all about setting boundaries.
    I am an over thinker and I think that’s why I have struggled with this. I don’t want a close relationship with her as I have learned my lesson from that, she uses that position to take control. Had she acknowledged some wrong doing or made some effort instead of being so steadfast, I would have liked a relationship with her.

    She sounds as complete nightmare, some people can be annoying around weddings. However you will have to let go. Arguments can be diffused and forgotten, you don't need an acknowledgement of wrongdoing to make your relationship work. Part of the fault is with your husband, he should tell her to stop when she was inviting people and so on.

    You saw her only once in six months, you might see her a bit more when having kids but it doesn't seem like you have to visit every weekend. There is no point to stress about this kind of stuff, just keep some distance and make polite small talk when you have to deal with her.


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    #8
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 26,052 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    Your husband should have stepped in and told his mum to back off, it's not fair to let you take the brunt of that interfering.

    You poor thing, what an awful situation. It's perfectly okay to keep your contact to a minimum, she's proved she's more stress than she's worth. Remember when it comes to babies, you hold all the cards and have all the power and if you don't like how she treats you or interferes, you don't have to put up with it. Your husband needs to see things through your eyes, he needs to be your advocate, not hers.


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    #9
    banoffe2
    Registered Users Posts: 421 ✭✭banoffe2


    Hi OP
    Totally agree with Candie,
    yes hubby needs to stand up for you, I had a very jealous and domineering MIL who was always trying to undermine me, and hubby was her white haired boy, never once stood up for me.

    Needles to say we are parted for years now for this and many other reasons, my choice. It was hell on earth and nothing changed with her, she even tried to manipulate the children against me, I did everything possible to make the relationship work, she wasnt living near us, but any contact was fraught with complications, negativity and the aftermath, there was nothing else I could do to make it work even with minimal contact.

    She is deceased now I didn't attend her funeral as I had lost all respect for her, it took me a long time and a lot of hurt to figure it all out, and recover.

    Mind yourself as this type of interference can damage your quality of life, your marriage and more importantly your mental health.


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