What's the etiquette here??

Utter Consternation · 08-05-2019 4:44pm

Lil Sally Anne Jnr. wrote: »

Vegetable Vindaloo last week washed down with a diet fanta, six sachets of mayonnaise, bag of chips, basmati rice, falafel wrap and then mushrooms and a spicy bag and egg fried rice from the Chinese. Drowned the whole lot with two cans of Guinness, one can of Royal Dutch, and a half litre bottle of Gatorade. Then a box of cookies from Four Star.

I’m awoken in middle of night with cold sweat, churning in stomach. Arse and thighs pink and sweating like a KFC chicken drumstick shorn of batter. Immediately know what’s up and can actually feel anus ring dilating. Stumble out of bed but am disorientated and trip over in the dark and hit my head on the wall with my pants around my ankles. Pass out for a second or two and as I come to, I can hear a sound like gas escaping from a balloon.

Girlfriend got a fright when she sees me lying on the floor but all I can think about is how to stop the long low squeak emitting from my poopshoot. Gentle feeling of moisture on inner lining of boxers. This gets damper and damper and smell of sulfur has become noticeable. Girlfriend is kneeling beside me asking if I’m ok.

With all the effort in the world I leap to my feet like a salmon and run to bathroom. When I come out girlfriend is in bed. I change pajamas, slip into bed, and neither of us have mentioned it since.

I know this isn't the Personal Issues forum, but my advice to you is that she is a keeper.

Brendan Bendar · 08-05-2019 5:30pm

Lil Sally Anne Jnr. wrote: »

Vegetable Vindaloo last week washed down with a diet fanta, six sachets of mayonnaise, bag of chips, basmati rice, falafel wrap and then mushrooms and a spicy bag and egg fried rice from the Chinese. Drowned the whole lot with two cans of Guinness, one can of Royal Dutch, and a half litre bottle of Gatorade. Then a box of cookies from Four Star.

I’m awoken in middle of night with cold sweat, churning in stomach. Arse and thighs pink and sweating like a KFC chicken drumstick shorn of batter. Immediately know what’s up and can actually feel anus ring dilating. Stumble out of bed but am disorientated and trip over in the dark and hit my head on the wall with my pants around my ankles. Pass out for a second or two and as I come to, I can hear a sound like gas escaping from a balloon.

Girlfriend got a fright when she sees me lying on the floor but all I can think about is how to stop the long low squeak emitting from my poopshoot. Gentle feeling of moisture on inner lining of boxers. This gets damper and damper and smell of sulfur has become noticeable. Girlfriend is kneeling beside me asking if I’m ok.

With all the effort in the world I leap to my feet like a salmon and run to bathroom. When I come out girlfriend is in bed. I change pajamas, slip into bed, and neither of us have mentioned it since.

Inner lining on your boxers?

Who the fuhhrke are you ?

Prince Harry!!

JohnnyFlash · 08-05-2019 6:05pm

Utter Consternation wrote: »

I hope you wrapped, before you tapped JF. If you're not careful your flute will get up and walk one of these days. :eek:

Dirty bastid.

Always put on the 'lightweight combat gear' before I get down to business. Been lucky all my life, but have heard stories of lads having to get injections into their bellend to clear away 'diseases of passion'. Heard it's very common with lads who return from 'golfing holidays' in Portugal. Pintman, have you anything to say about that?

I'm fierce shook all day. Don't want to go into too much detail, but I've 'liquidated the assets' at least 7 times today already. It feels like I'm hosing 5 litres of sludge water through a fúckin' straw. I've a fúcking head on me like a mouldy turnip, and I'm so sick I can't even decide on which takeaway should deliver me food.

JohnnyFlash · 08-05-2019 6:08pm

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Inner lining on your boxers?

Who the fuhhrke are you ?

Prince Harry!!

Inner lining is probably a withered JC's bag used to gather any 'night soil'. Empties the 'overnight delivery' into a bucket outside the dunny, then washes the bag out in the sink.

Brendan Bendar · 08-05-2019 7:03pm

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Inner lining is probably a withered JC's bag used to gather any 'night soil'. Empties the 'overnight delivery' into a bucket outside the dunny, then washes the bag out in the sink.

Hmmm...lad I rented flat with back in the day, ‘abandoned’ a set of jocks on the floor.

Fcuking crotch area looked like someone walked an overcooked rissole into them.

You could stew the fcukers and get a good bowl of gravy.

tgdaly · 08-05-2019 9:11pm

Was on holidays a few years ago in Lisbon with a few of the lads, four of us in total. One particular night we were out and it was a fair bit of a bender. Countless pints of cheap foreign libation were consumed, along with plenty of shots and a feed of NYC pizza (as was the customary meal for us on this trip). We were all "gone", as they say, but at one point decided to head onto a nightclub anyways. Sure one of the lads didn't make it in, and being in our inebriated state the 3 of us wandered in anyways (not having a clue where the 4th fella went to, but turned out he go managed to drag himself into a taxi).

The 3 of us consumed some more liquid inside, in fact at one point we each had 9 shots of tequila in succession, further jeopardising our mental capacity. After that the aul memory is a bit blurry, but remember walking through the dancefloor at one point, lad in front of me, turned around other lad was behind, instantly turned my head again and the 1st lad was gone! We walked around for what seemed like an hour looking for him, not a sign. Eventually we had to make the call and decided to feck off without him (being in no stable condition to search further) , hoping he would manage to find his way home. I still have no idea how the 2 of us got home to this day.

Anyways, to get to the "meat" of the story. Went to bed around 4.30ish I think it was, completely passed out. For some reason woke up about 2 hours later (having slightly sobered up at this stage I can remember this). The lad who had gone missing in the nightclub was beside me, conked out. Thank God I thought, nothing to worry about.

Well I wish the dirty fecker had been lost a bit longer. Needing to relieve my bladder, I went into the bathroom, to a scene I can only describe as akin to Chernobyl. In terms of atomic terminology, what he had left in the toilet was definitely more of a "fat man" than "little boy". To add insult to injury, he has also blocked the sink with a return of libation and NYC pizza in the form of his evacuated undigested stomach contents. I would've peed in the sink but seeing as it was blocked, I decided trying to vigorously flush to toilet was better than unblocking this blast site of a sink. Thankfully 3 or 4 flushes of Portugals finest cleared the hazardous waste, but the smell alone is something that will stick with me long after the image of the gorilla baby is faded, smell like a baby's dirty nappy soaked in septic tank water.

Voodoomelon · 08-05-2019 9:19pm

tgdaly wrote: »

but remember walking through the dancefloor at one point, lad in front of me

Thought that story was going a different way.

Ush1 · 08-05-2019 9:21pm

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Hmmm...lad I rented flat with back in the day, ‘abandoned’ a set of jocks on the floor.

Fcuking crotch area looked like someone walked an overcooked rissole into them.

You could stew the fcukers and get a good bowl of gravy.

Wring them out after and you'd have a nice onion broth.

tgdaly · 08-05-2019 9:26pm

Voodoomelon wrote: »

Thought that story was going a different way.

Your mind still isn't as dirty as the mess in that toilet!

Aglomerado · 08-05-2019 11:33pm

This thread needs to be printed out, in its entirety , laminated and bound for perusal on the khazi while pinching off great big lengths of dirty spine or power washing the bowl with arse piss. It's the stuff of legends.

Voodoomelon · 09-05-2019 12:48am

We had a customer come in and use our staff toilet a few years back, a woman in her late 50s. This isn't the norm, as easily 50% of the time we get left with an assortment of piss, pubes and excrement scattered around the seat, so the answer to requests is usually no.

However considering her demeanor we allowed it. Big mistake. After she left, someone entered the facilities and found a mudslide of hot chocolate soup all the way down the inside of the bowl to the water line. As it was late in the day, we made the mistake of leaving it.

The next day, 5 flushes later, 10% of it remained. Out came the brush and no matter how hard we scrubbed and heaved, this woman's arse cement would not budge. No word of a lie, it was still there a month later.

Around that time, we were building an office in our warehouse and had lots of wood lying about. Annoyed by these fecal remnants, I marched upstairs armed with a 2x1 wooden baton with one end snapped to a point. From four feet away, I stabbed and scraped at the rectal mortar she left behind with my poking stick and a minute later it was finally gone. Dirty wench, you never know who you're dealing with.

Hotblack Desiato · 09-05-2019 2:27am

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

I'm fierce shook all day. Don't want to go into too much detail, but I've 'liquidated the assets' at least 7 times today already. It feels like I'm hosing 5 litres of sludge water through a fúckin' straw. I've a fúcking head on me like a mouldy turnip, and I'm so sick I can't even decide on which takeaway should deliver me food.

I'd say at this stage Johnny you have greater liquidity than the European Central Bank.

Brendan Bendar · 09-05-2019 9:25am

Voodoomelon wrote: »

We had a customer come in and use our staff toilet a few years back, a woman in her late 50s. This isn't the norm, as easily 50% of the time we get left with an assortment of piss, pubes and excrement scattered around the seat, so the answer to requests is usually no.

However considering her demeanor we allowed it. Big mistake. After she left, someone entered the facilities and found a mudslide of hot chocolate soup all the way down the inside of the bowl to the water line. As it was late in the day, we made the mistake of leaving it.

The next day, 5 flushes later, 10% of it remained. Out came the brush and no matter how hard we scrubbed and heaved, this woman's arse cement would not budge. No word of a lie, it was still there a month later.

Around that time, we were building an office in our warehouse and had lots of wood lying about. Annoyed by these fecal remnants, I marched upstairs armed with a 2x1 wooden baton with one end snapped to a point. From four feet away, I stabbed and scraped at the rectal mortar she left behind with my poking stick and a minute later it was finally gone. Dirty wench, you never know who you're dealing with.

Could have been worse.....could have blocked the u bend with a set of well spattered undercrackers , mate.

You got lucky.

Utter Consternation · 09-05-2019 9:52am

Sat down to watch the Ajax - Spurs match last night with a bag of pistachio nuts from Lidl after the bacon and cabbage. I demolished the bag on autopilot, fcuking shells everywhere. Bastarding things are like crack cocaine to me.

Anyways, cue this mornings movement (i'm a pre-noon sh1tter - regular as clockwork), fcuking turd was about a foot long and there was a hum off it that would wake someone from a coma. Cnuting thing sank like the Kursk down the sh1tter in one piece.

I'm not sure if it was the bacon and cabbage or the nuts. Either way, it lead to a full evacuation. Feeling very fleet of foot and light of soul.

Just thought i'd share. :cool:

JohnnyFlash · 09-05-2019 10:07am

Utter Consternation wrote: »

Sat down to watch the Ajax - Spurs match last night with a bag of pistachio nuts from Lidl after the bacon and cabbage. I demolished the bag on autopilot, fcuking shells everywhere. Bastarding things are like crack cocaine to me.

Anyways, cue this mornings movement (i'm a pre-noon sh1tter - regular as clockwork), fcuking turd was about a foot long and there was a hum off it that would wake someone from a coma. Cnuting thing sank like the Kursk down the sh1tter in one piece.

I'm not sure if it was the bacon and cabbage or the nuts. Either way, it lead to a full evacuation. Feeling very fleet of foot and light of soul.

Just thought i'd share. :cool:

Sounds like a textbook bowel movement. How many spuds did you have with the bacon and cabbage? I find eating more than 6 large spuds in a sitting leads to an enormous and extremely smooth shīte the next day. The ones where you can’t help but laugh when you’ve finished birthing it.

KikiLaRue · 09-05-2019 10:10am

This is absolute shyte talk.

Lil Sally Anne Jnr. · 09-05-2019 10:11am

Not really a story, but I once took a dump in a lad's ringbinder. Was locked out of the student dorms, pissed out of me head and some of the other students were moving out and there was a ring binder near the door so I opened it up, laid a plank, and closed that baby back up. Oh the things you do when you are young.

Utter Consternation · 09-05-2019 10:15am

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Sounds like a textbook bowel movement. How many spuds did you have with the bacon and cabbage? I find eating more than 6 large spuds in a sitting leads to an enormous and extremely smooth shīte the next day. The ones where you can’t help but laugh when you’ve finished birthing it.

Four spuds, JF. Baked.

Plenty butter bit of salt, eaten with the skins for the all round spud experience.

Top class stuff.

JohnnyFlash · 09-05-2019 10:17am

Lil Sally Anne Jnr. wrote: »

Not really a story, but I once took a dump in a lad's ringbinder. Was locked out of the student dorms, pissed out of me head and some of the other students were moving out and there was a ring binder near the door so I opened it up, laid a plank, and closed that baby back up. Oh the things you do when you are young.

Was it an act of revenge? An act of fecoterrorism?

sligojoek · 09-05-2019 10:20am

Did anyone ever make a "Laptop waffle"

Utter Consternation · 09-05-2019 10:21am

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Was it an act of revenge? An act of fecoterrorism?

Just looks like a mindless 'school shooting.'

Lil Sally Anne Jnr. · 09-05-2019 10:38am

All I remember is that it was full of chemistry notes. First idea was to remove a polypocket and chit in that but it was hard to see what I was doing in the dark as you require two hands to keep the polypropolene sleeve open and I was worried I'd coat the back of my trousers with black forrest gateaux, so I just dropped the loaf inside the whole ringbinder, closed it back up, and put it back in the box with the others. Woke up and had totally forgotten. After 30 mins or so it started to come back to me. Was pretty ashamed tbh. Can laugh now though. Was a firm loaf with a few lighter kernels, about the size of an old fashioned telephone receiver so not small.

Utter Consternation · 09-05-2019 10:41am

Lil Sally Anne Jnr. wrote: »

All I remember is that it was full of chemistry notes. First idea was to remove a polypocket and chit in that but it was hard to see what I was doing in the dark as you require two hands to keep the polypropolene sleeve open and I was worried I'd coat the back of my trousers with black forrest gateaux, so I just dropped the loaf inside the whole ringbinder, closed it back up, and put it back in the box with the others. Woke up and had totally forgotten. After 30 mins or so it started to come back to me. Was pretty ashamed tbh. Can laugh now though. Was a firm loaf with a few lighter kernels, about the size of an old fashioned telephone receiver so not small.

So you hate chemistry?

Lil Sally Anne Jnr. · 09-05-2019 10:52am

Utter Consternation wrote: »

So you hate chemistry?

To be fair I'd maybe have been slower to lay the log if it had been something like art history or philosophy.

Former Observer · 09-05-2019 11:37am

This is from this morning.

gerrybbadd · 09-05-2019 12:09pm

Did ye ever have one of those days lads, you head in to lay down a length of Mr. T's Forearm, out it slips, clean as a whistle (with comical dunk noise as splashdown occurs).

Next thing is, 1 wipe - and its all clean. telling ye, like winning the lottery this morning!

Feisar · 09-05-2019 12:25pm

gerrybbadd wrote: »

Did ye ever have one of those days lads, you head in to lay down a length of Mr. T's Forearm, out it slips, clean as a whistle (with comical dunk noise as splashdown occurs).

Next thing is, 1 wipe - and its all clean. telling ye, like winning the lottery this morning!

That's a Teflon, non stick.

partyguinness · 09-05-2019 12:33pm

gerrybbadd wrote: »

Did ye ever have one of those days lads, you head in to lay down a length of Mr. T's Forearm, out it slips, clean as a whistle (with comical dunk noise as splashdown occurs).

Next thing is, 1 wipe - and its all clean. telling ye, like winning the lottery this morning!

It's a special moment that is for sure and one we can all appreciate. Really chuffed for you bro.

Savor it- it might be a while before you have another such event.

Borderfox · 09-05-2019 12:36pm

RTÉ Radio 1 invites submissions for short story competition
https://www.rte.ie/culture/2019/0215/1030865-rte-radio-1-invites-submissions-for-short-story-competition/

Just copy this thread and send it in, 100% more entertaining than anything they would broadcast, have Gay Byrne narrate it

partyguinness · 09-05-2019 1:10pm

sligojoek wrote: »

Did anyone ever make a "Laptop waffle"

Jesus Christ man NO.....:eek:

What is wrong with you guys up that part of the country?

Fcuk me.

EmmetSpiceland · 09-05-2019 1:19pm

sligojoek wrote: »

Did anyone ever make a "Laptop waffle"

I hear if you use a Mac that it cooks it through.

partyguinness · 09-05-2019 1:23pm

partyguinness wrote: »

Jesus Christ man NO.....:eek:

What is wrong with you guys up that part of the country?

Fcuk me.

Having said that the idea is hilarious..

Aglomerado · 09-05-2019 1:32pm

sligojoek wrote: »

Did anyone ever make a "Laptop waffle"

No! I never heard of such a thing but now that I can't get the image out of my head it explains a lot of tabloid journalism and 'skool of hard nnox' (sic) facebook profiles.

JohnnyFlash · 09-05-2019 2:14pm

Heard there was a matchplay tournament in a golf club in Offaly a few years back where a guy didn’t give a gimme to a lad in a clear breach of golf etiquette. Your man ended up losing the game on the last. The other punter went in to celebrate in the 19th and was there blowing shîte and boasting. Arrived down to the locker room a few hours later to pick up his clubs and shoes. Turns out someone didn’t appreciate his lack of etiquette, and had left a huge stool sample in one of his Footjoys.

Purple Mountain · 09-05-2019 2:17pm

sligojoek wrote: »

Did anyone ever make a "Laptop waffle"

It only exists in Paul Howard's imagination.

Utter Consternation · 09-05-2019 2:24pm

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Heard there was a matchplay tournament in a golf club in Offaly a few years back where a guy didn’t give a gimme to a lad in a clear breach of golf etiquette. Your man ended up losing the game on the last. The other punter went in to celebrate in the 19th and was there blowing shîte and boasting. Arrived down to the locker room a few hours later to pick up his clubs and shoes. Turns out someone didn’t appreciate his lack of etiquette, and had left a huge stool sample in one of his Footjoys.

Sounds like something Brennar Bendar would get up to.

partyguinness · 09-05-2019 3:33pm

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Heard there was a matchplay tournament in a golf club in Offaly a few years back where a guy didn’t give a gimme to a lad in a clear breach of golf etiquette. Your man ended up losing the game on the last. The other punter went in to celebrate in the 19th and was there blowing shîte and boasting. Arrived down to the locker room a few hours later to pick up his clubs and shoes. Turns out someone didn’t appreciate his lack of etiquette, and had left a huge stool sample in one of his Footjoys.

I dunno.

I think when you defecate on someone's golf shoes in the locker room you are getting very close to losing the high moral ground on the whole etiquette front.

DEFTLEFTHAND · 09-05-2019 4:04pm

partyguinness wrote: »

I dunno.

I think when you defecate on someone's golf shoes in the locker room you are getting very close to losing the high moral ground on the whole etiquette front.

They let anyone become a member these days. Many of the smaller clubs are strapped for cash.

Brendan Bendar · 09-05-2019 4:16pm

Utter Consternation wrote: »

Sounds like something Brennar Bendar would get up to.

The real trick back in the day before they had the compartments for clubs, was to take all the clubs out of the bag, hold her on a 45 degree tilt, and blow your guts down to the bottom with as much force as possible.

Then put the clubs back in and hope your man doesn’t get the ‘bang’ till he is on the first tee, hopefully three days later.

That would be the end of that golf bag and possibly the set of golf clubs.

That’s for sure.

sligojoek · 09-05-2019 4:28pm

partyguinness wrote: »

Jesus Christ man NO.....:eek:

What is wrong with you guys up that part of the country?

Fcuk me.

It's from a Ross O Carroll Kelly book. So a South County Dublin thing I'd say

JohnnyFlash · 09-05-2019 4:31pm

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

The real trick back in the day before they had the compartments for clubs, was to take all the clubs out of the bag, hold her on a 45 degree tilt, and blow your guts down to the bottom with as much force as possible.

Then put the clubs back in and hope your man doesn’t get the ‘bang’ till he is on the first tee, hopefully three days later.

That would be the end of that golf bag and possibly the set of golf clubs.

That’s for sure.

Wonder is that the reason the Royal and Ancient banned neck putters. You’d be lining up to take a putt when suddenly you get a savage ‘bang’ off the grip.

FFred · 09-05-2019 4:33pm

Thread title is very misleading. Can we rename it to:

“A place where a fully grown man-child can talk about his poo poos with anonymous strangers on the internet”

Brendan Bendar · 09-05-2019 4:43pm

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Wonder is that the reason the Royal and Ancient banned neck putters. You’d be lining up to take a putt when suddenly you get a savage ‘bang’ off the grip.

You could have sommit there John, nest of chandlers wriggling under yer snout wouldn’t help when getting to grips with a downhill four footer.

09-05-2019 5:29pm

Utter Consternation wrote: »

Sat down to watch the Ajax - Spurs match last night with a bag of pistachio nuts from Lidl after the bacon and cabbage. I demolished the bag on autopilot, fcuking shells everywhere. Bastarding things are like crack cocaine to me.

Anyways, cue this mornings movement (i'm a pre-noon sh1tter - regular as clockwork), fcuking turd was about a foot long and there was a hum off it that would wake someone from a coma. Cnuting thing sank like the Kursk down the sh1tter in one piece.

I'm not sure if it was the bacon and cabbage or the nuts. Either way, it lead to a full evacuation. Feeling very fleet of foot and light of soul.

Just thought i'd share. :cool:

It was the nuts I reckon. Those ****ing things will clear the most bunged-up of innards, like grit on compacted snow.

My friends and I still remind one another of the greatest specimen of human waste we've ever seen. It was back in college, during exams, when we were spending late nights in the library and living on processed foods and those little packs of nuts you get in vending machines.

One night, one of the lads rushed into the library and called us into the men's jacks to observe the most magnificent, burly shïte you could believe.

Very strangely, there was no noxious smell at all, just an heroic, liver-coloured log, a foot-and a half in length and thick as your fist; slouched in the bowl in one miraculous piece, tapering to a jolly little tip which peeped back at us over the seat.

Whoever laid it there was clearly proud of his labours, he didn't even attempt to flush it. But the poor man must have been in agony. He must have walked out of that cubicle with his legs trembling, if he walked at all.

This was before camera-phones became commonplace, I wish we'd had some photographic record of that beast. But we all bonded that night like proud parents, and we have the memories, we have the memories.

EmmetSpiceland · 09-05-2019 5:35pm

We had one of those inhuman beast logs in work years ago, ATNM. It was christened “The Duke”.

Lads were queuing up to go in and have a look. It was mammoth but it had this stark patch of pure white on it.

It vanished just as quickly as it had appeared, no streaks or anything. My only guess is that whomever birth’d it called down to central facilities and got someone up to wrestle it out of the pot.

gerrybbadd · 09-05-2019 5:46pm

A Tyrant Named Miltiades! wrote: »

It was the nuts I reckon. Those ****ing things will clear the most bunged-up of innards, like grit on compacted snow.

My friends and I still remind one another of the greatest specimen of human waste we've ever seen. It was back in college, during exams, when we were spending late nights in the library and living on processed foods and those little packs of nuts you get in vending machines.

One night, one of the lads rushed into the library and called us into the men's jacks to observe the most magnificent, burly shïte you could believe.

Very strangely, there was no noxious smell at all, just an heroic, liver-coloured log, a foot-and a half in length and thick as your fist; slouched in the bowl in one miraculous piece, tapering to a jolly little tip which peeped back at us over the seat.

Whoever laid it there was clearly proud of his labours, he didn't even attempt to flush it. But the poor man must have been in agony. He must have walked out of that cubicle with his legs trembling, if he walked at all.

This was before camera-phones became commonplace, I wish we'd had some photographic record of that beast. But we all bonded that night like proud parents, and we have the memories, we have the memories.

Ah jaysus, creased with the laughs here :pac::pac::pac:

Another poster told me how lucky i was with the 1 wipe wonder earlier. How right they were.

Launched into Trap 1 there for round 2. First problem was Ghost Cheeks on the seat (hate that). Then what followed was about 15 4 inch strips of chicken goujon looking shytes. And the wiping that followed - i thought it would never end. Was like wiping toilet paper off the end of a shítty permanent marker

sligojoek · 09-05-2019 5:52pm

gerrybbadd wrote: »

Ah jaysus, creased with the laughs here :pac::pac::pac:

Another poster told me how lucky i was with the 1 wipe wonder earlier. How right they were.

Launched into Trap 1 there for round 2. First problem was Ghost Cheeks on the seat (hate that). Then what followed was about 15 4 inch strips of chicken goujon looking shytes. And the wiping that followed - i thought it would never end. Was like wiping toilet paper off the end of a shítty permanent marker

A nest of baby eels

mfceiling · 09-05-2019 6:08pm

gerrybbadd wrote: »

Did ye ever have one of those days lads, you head in to lay down a length of Mr. T's Forearm, out it slips, clean as a whistle (with comical dunk noise as splashdown occurs).

Next thing is, 1 wipe - and its all clean. telling ye, like winning the lottery this morning!

That's what known as "drawing an ace".

Happened to me the other day. I'd been holding a lad for about 30 minutes while I waited for the Brazilian cleaner to finish washing and cleaning the stalls. I marched in with a lad pressing against the inside of the tea towel holder. As soon as my eyes saw the throne the bournville star started to wink like a madman. Relax MF, you've got this. Barely had the bags dropped and the yoke was off like an otter sliding down a riverbank. Felt like I'd won slimmer of the week at weight watchers after birthing it. Wiped the badge and "hey presto"...Clean as a whistle. Gave a little chuckle and wiped again...Bingo...Brand new shampoo. Left there feeling like I'd won a tenner on a scratch card.

Smell left behind me wasn't anything to write home about mind you.

Former Observer · 09-05-2019 6:17pm

gerrybbadd wrote: »

And the wiping that followed - i thought it would never end.

If you're a lover of 'spoofers' (no wipe sh¡tes) you can increase their likelihood by stretching your angus ring pre-seating. Grab your flanks and spread those cheeks before placing yourself gently on the toilet seat (a thin film of sweat helps with traction). At the very least you'll reduce eternal recurrence. Plus it's no bad thing to get some air up in the prefrontal chute every so often..

09-05-2019 6:24pm

Former Observer wrote: »

If you're a lover of 'spoofers' (no wipe sh¡tes) you can increase their likelihood by stretching your angus ring pre-seating. Grab your flanks and spread those cheeks before placing yourself gently on the toilet seat (a thin film of sweat helps with traction). At the very least you'll reduce eternal recurrence. Plus it's no bad thing to get some air up in there once in a blue moon.

From an engineering/fluid mechanical viewpoint, I would be concerned about a 'spluttering' effect due to loss of pressure in the chute, comparable to water being drawn through a hose which has been stretched at the end.

No, you must work in partnership with your anal sphincter, and listen to what your bowels are telling you.

A time to sit tight, a time relax.
A time to hold back, a time to let go.
A time to squeeze, and a time to shove.

That was Ecclesiastes.

What's the etiquette here??

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