What's the etiquette here??

sligojoek · 17-10-2020 12:45am

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

'The Nev' hasn't been spotted in a few weeks. Heard his car (Ford Orion 1988 - Chocolate Brown colour) has been parked outside the parochial house down in Kinvara. Must be 'cocooning' with Fr. Phelim 'Belter' Madden.

Or getting "Latin lessons" . Always a "giveaway" at the "Monastery" of Nenagh CBS. Thankfully the guards eventually caught up with "Brother Creepy Creevey"
Google him.

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

Are they the ones who say they’re “descended” from seals? Strange, dark, folk out that way. Think some of those Coneeleys took part in the Plantation of Meath.

Ask Blaithnaid O Coffey

EmmetSpiceland · 17-10-2020 12:50am

Trouser Snake wrote: »

Cod liver oil E, nothing bates it. The old man was a staunch beetroot man for the same reasons, never saw the evidence so couldn't comment.
Mind you the ma would be up early the morning after serving such boiled beetroot, who says they don't know us best wha?

After that, no good advice, nowt worse than a dehydrated ****e.

Would but I had it, T. I’m actually a big “fan” of cod liver oil, Nana Spiceland would force a table soon of the stuff down you whenever we were over at her place. Hated it at the time but it grew on me.

If I ever have the capsules I make sure to pop two in and bite down on them straight away. You know it’s working when you get a whiff after a “slick” release on the pot.

Andrew’s Liver Salts would be another “go to”, settles the tum tum and gets things moving if you throw in a few extra scoops.

sligojoek · 17-10-2020 12:57am

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

Would but I had it, T. I’m actually a big “fan” of cod liver oil, Nana Spiceland would force a table soon of the stuff down you whenever we were over at her place. Hated it at the time but it grew on me.

If I ever have the capsules I make sure to pop two in and bite down on them straight away. You know it’s working when you get a whiff after a “slick” release on the pot.

Andrew’s Liver Salts would be another “go to”, settles the tum tum and gets things moving if you throw in a few extra scoops.

This. As they say.

Had a German mate over 10 years ago. He'd never heard of Andrews before then. I send him over a can every few months.

Great stuff to "clear the system" . His words. Not mine.

Slideways · 17-10-2020 3:28am

sligojoek wrote: »

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

Would but I had it, T. I’m actually a big “fan” of cod liver oil, Nana Spiceland would force a table soon of the stuff down you whenever we were over at her place. Hated it at the time but it grew on me.

If I ever have the capsules I make sure to pop two in and bite down on them straight away. You know it’s working when you get a whiff after a “slick” release on the pot.

Andrew’s Liver Salts would be another “go to”, settles the tum tum and gets things moving if you throw in a few extra scoops.

This. As they say.

Had a German mate over 10 years ago. He'd never heard of Andrews before then. I send him over a can every few months.

Great stuff to "clear the system" . His words. Not mine.

There was the story of two lads in my hometown. Skipped school and snuck back into one of their houses when the old pair went to work.

Anyway, before the age of internet and PlayStation 4 they got bored and were foostering around and found a can of andrews. One of the pair had seen someone drinkin this fizzy concoction so gave it a go. They thought it was great and between the pair of them polished off the can. By the time it came for them to sneak back out of the house and make their way back to the school gate they were pisśing brown water out of their arse like a goose with the trots

The parents found them in great distress, huddled in the bath if the rumours are to be believed with the cold tap running to sluice away the remnants of their insides. Mammy decided to tell all who would listen to punish them rightly.

One of them is now a county councillor in Sligo.

AdrianBalboa · 17-10-2020 10:05am

Slideways wrote: »

There was the story of two lads in my hometown. Skipped school and snuck back into one of their houses when the old pair went to work.

Anyway, before the age of internet and PlayStation 4 they got bored and were foostering around and found a can of andrews. One of the pair had seen someone drinkin this fizzy concoction so gave it a go. They thought it was great and between the pair of them polished off the can. By the time it came for them to sneak back out of the house and make their way back to the school gate they were pisśing brown water out of their arse like a goose with the trots

The parents found them in great distress, huddled in the bath if the rumours are to be believed with the cold tap running to sluice away the remnants of their insides. Mammy decided to tell all who would listen to punish them rightly.

One of them is now a county councillor in Sligo.

Hmm. You know, teenage boys with political aspirations tend to perform humiliating scatological or seminal rituals, I wonder if that's related. Look at David Cameron's "Porkgate," for example.

My husband is a prominent member of Fine Gael and he said nary a single trip for a rugby game went by without someone pulling out a packet of cream crackers on the back of the bus with a nod and a wink. To this day he says he doesn't know how they taste when they're dry.

sligojoek · 17-10-2020 10:50am

Slideways wrote: »

.

One of them is now a county councillor in Sligo.

Give us a clue

Lewis_Benson · 17-10-2020 11:42am

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

'The Nev' hasn't been spotted in a few weeks. Heard his car (Ford Orion 1988 - Chocolate Brown colour) has been parked outside the parochial house down in Kinvara. Must be 'cocooning' with Fr. Phelim 'Belter' Madden.

I heard Fr Paudgie Downey (also known as Fister) from Ballyhaunis paid a visit too.... Poor nev.

Arthur Fent · 17-10-2020 2:18pm

Been taking cod liver oil capsules for the aul creaky knees. Have to say they're working wonders for the engine room. Just shunted out a large thick log. Nice smooth action. No struggling. Like a shipwreck in the pan, with its bow protruding proudly above the waves.

Hotblack Desiato · 17-10-2020 3:32pm

A "shítberg", 90% below the surface.

gerrybbadd · 17-10-2020 4:15pm

Slideways wrote: »

There was the story of two lads in my hometown. Skipped school and snuck back into one of their houses when the old pair went to work.

Anyway, before the age of internet and PlayStation 4 they got bored and were foostering around and found a can of andrews. One of the pair had seen someone drinkin this fizzy concoction so gave it a go. They thought it was great and between the pair of them polished off the can. By the time it came for them to sneak back out of the house and make their way back to the school gate they were pisśing brown water out of their arse like a goose with the trots

The parents found them in great distress, huddled in the bath if the rumours are to be believed with the cold tap running to sluice away the remnants of their insides. Mammy decided to tell all who would listen to punish them rightly.

One of them is now a county councillor in Sligo.

It wasn't Shítey Arse McKeown was it?

AdrianBalboa · 17-10-2020 4:36pm

I just busted out a gallon of pure velvet there. Phenomenal stuff, really. I’m not happy with all the wipeage though: it’s a very large blast zone. A lot of collateral damage.

fuerte1976 · 17-10-2020 4:39pm

AdrianBalboa wrote: »

I just busted out a gallon of pure velvet there. Phenomenal stuff, really. I’m not happy with all the wipeage though: it’s a very large blast zone. A lot of collateral damage.

Like a shot blast from a musket?
Aka musket sh1te..

An Ri rua · 17-10-2020 11:10pm

An Ri rua wrote: »

#PlasticExplosives

Jay's*s, the Borderfox just thanked me post. He's supposed to be dead but, worse still, he's a f*ckin nutter!!!
As Nana oft would say to Barbara, I think I've got a bit of movement. A dose of the scuts, a dirty protest beckons.

An Ri rua · 17-10-2020 11:17pm

AdrianBalboa wrote: »

I just busted out a gallon of pure velvet there. Phenomenal stuff, really. I’m not happy with all the wipeage though: it’s a very large blast zone. A lot of collateral damage.

I'd get that checked out. There should be no gas leakage, nor condensation forming as it's not an internal combustion chamber typically. Now, granted, some are like an overfull boiling kettle, others like a pot of pasta you forgot to watch and man does it make a hames of the cookertop (you'll know what I'm talking about as if you ever got caught short while cooking, it's far easier to clean **** from the cooker top than burnt in pasta. Unlikely, but said I'd put it out there as I'm an inclusive chap).
You sort of need to gauge what sort of projectiles you're expecting to fire and then apply appropriate pressure. But I wouldn't be expecting leakage if you build the pressure correctly before you pull the sphincter pin.
Fire in the hole!!

An Ri rua · 17-10-2020 11:21pm

Arthur Fent wrote: »

Been taking cod liver oil capsules for the aul creaky knees. Have to say they're working wonders for the engine room. Just shunted out a large thick log. Nice smooth action. No struggling. Like a shipwreck in the pan, with its bow protruding proudly above the waves.

Anything in it worth salvaging? A pea maybe? Hopefully no seamen. Dear Lord, this Stella's a hoor.

An Ri rua · 17-10-2020 11:26pm

Lewis_Benson wrote: »

I heard Fr Paudgie Downey (also known as Fister) from Ballyhaunis paid a visit too.... Poor nev.

Fister Downey's big into the re-enactment and roleplaying.
Probably a Bond(age) themed weekend: -
Nevin say Never Again
Or
Never stay Nevin Again.

Poor Nev, hard station on d'aul parsnip.

Lewis_Benson · 17-10-2020 11:53pm

Just released a very easy going slithery scutther, barely felt it on the way out, very pleasent.
But jaysus the size of it, and the smell.... It would knock out a horse....

AdrianBalboa · 18-10-2020 4:43pm

Very frothy today.

Nevin Parsnipp · 18-10-2020 6:28pm

Hotblack Desiato wrote: »

It's been officially renamed "non-consensual seed" E. Just so you know.

Plenty posters on the Motors forum who are into "claying" their cars, maybe you can help them out.

"Claying their cars" ?

What's that ? Taking a sh1te in the back seat ??

Jaysus Christ. · 18-10-2020 6:37pm

Textbook evacuation.
Everything went smoothly.

Necro · 18-10-2020 6:54pm

hurikane wrote: »

Good thread getting ruined here.

Mod:

Indeed. I've deleted a number of posts that are way over the line. Leave the bedroom talk out of it, focus on your evacuations and this thread can continue.

If not, it's running the risk of being closed for being absolutely vile and something we don't want in After Hours.

Cheers.

Brendan Bendar · 18-10-2020 6:58pm

Nevin Parsnipp wrote: »

"Claying their cars" ?

What's that ? Taking a sh1te in the back seat ??

Was about to ‘clay’ my hoop after a ‘cloudburst’ evacuation Parsnipp

Good clean out and a ‘dry hand’ buff to bring up the ‘snas’

Shift the ‘bet in ‘chandlers and clackers too.

You should try it, dude.

fuerte1976 · 18-10-2020 9:06pm

Oh here we go.. The newish animals have attracted the mods attention..
Ffs, hope they won't cling to this like flies do to sh1te.

And I came here for a moment of reflection whilst on the potty..

Brendan Bendar · 18-10-2020 9:15pm

fuerte1976 wrote: »

Oh here we go.. The newish animals have attracted the mods attention..
Ffs, hope they won't cling to this like flies do to sh1te.

And I came here for a moment of reflection whilst on the potty..

Let’s hope not.....not welcome.

19-10-2020 12:24am

Pintman Paddy Losty wrote: »

Was wondering how long it would be before some bound up spotty faced geek would be in here pronouncing that the most natural of human activities, an essential daily human bodily function, was somehow vile. Ignorant comment. Very ignorant.

Anyway, they don't pop by here too often so let's hope they piss orf out of here back to their Doritos and anime.

Dropped a very unpleasant bolus off this evening. Was very sticky. Sort of the consistency of peanut butter but a much darker richer colour. Like a dark burnt gravy colour but as I said, smooth peanut butter consistency.

Had bought cheap bogroll which ended up gettinh all torn up in the cleanup.

Never get stingy when it comes to the bog roll Paddy. Cushelle is the TP of choice at the moment in my gaff. Fairly robust, and deals with all consistencies with aplomb. No fear of tearing and "smudged" fingers afterwards.
I'm surprised we haven't got a survey going of the best TP on the thread yet to be honest.

Trouser Snake · 19-10-2020 12:49am

On and off the pot all day, extractor fan earning its crust.
Have to say, I'm beginning to understand Jimmy de Frenne's reasons for bailing out, blood supply does get cut below the knees quite easily on prolonged visits.

Pressure on the gasket finally abated for the night hopefully.

Yyhhuuu · 19-10-2020 12:56am

Does anybody every require a digital evacuation?

I never bough toilet paper. I help myself to a freesupply when in public toilets. I learned this trick from my beloved mother who was great at saving money even though she was loaded.lord rest her soul.

sligojoek · 19-10-2020 1:32am

Yyhhuuu wrote: »

Does anybody every require a digital evacuation?

I never bough toilet paper. I help myself to a freesupply when in public toilets. I learned this trick from my beloved mother who was great at saving money even though she was loaded.lord rest her soul.

My own mother took issue with "Mansize" tissues back in the 80s. Thought they were a gimmick. The ould lad had a head cold shortly after and "evacuated" a good wad of snot into the new "feminine" brand she bought instead. "There's more snot in the palm of me hand than there is in the tissue. Don't ever buy them fcukin things again".

Slideways · 19-10-2020 1:49am

You couldn’t sell man sized tissues now, the feminists with hairy armpits would be all foaming at the meat purse if they saw them

tjdaly · 19-10-2020 2:13am

Yyhhuuu wrote: »

Does anybody every require a digital evacuation?

I reckon we've all dug in with a finger to remove some debris once or twice.

Brendan Bendar · 19-10-2020 7:18am

sligojoek wrote: »

My own mother took issue with "Mansize" tissues back in the 80s. Thought they were a gimmick. The ould lad had a head cold shortly after and "evacuated" a good wad of snot into the new "feminine" brand she bought instead. "There's more snot in the palm of me hand than there is in the tissue. Don't ever buy them fcukin things again".

What was wrong with the underside of the tablecloth ?

Leave a good cargo of ‘wattle’ on her.

Or a good ‘hockle’ and leave a ‘taximans omelette’ outside the back door.

sligojoek · 19-10-2020 9:19am

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

What was wrong with the underside of the tablecloth ?

Leave a good cargo of ‘wattle’ on her.

Or a good ‘hockle’ and leave a ‘taximans omelette’ outside the back door.

A Glasgow oyster.

Lewis_Benson · 19-10-2020 9:47am

Struggling at the moment here lads.

A feed of chicken satay, fried rice, and salt and chilli ribs yesterday, washed down by a few bottle of peroni, and then a few cans of Guinness to top it off.... There seems to be some kind of blockage in the chute this morning...

Bullocks · 19-10-2020 9:55am

Lewis_Benson wrote: »

Struggling at the moment here lads.

A feed of chicken satay, fried rice, and salt and chilli ribs yesterday, washed down by a few bottle of peroni, and then a few cans of Guinness to top it off.... There seems to be some kind of blockage in the chute this morning...

Dehydrated I'd say, get a lock of electrolytes into you and like the boys said earlier a good glug of codliver oil. A few bursts of jumping jacks might wake up the bowel aswell.
Between one thing and another I had 7 or 8 eggs yesterday and I'm a bit stiff in the dung myself this morning but I'm not worried because I know when it moves it'll really move!

Slideways · 19-10-2020 10:22am

Whenever I take a Donald Trump at home I always do a before and after stance on the scales. Make sure I don’t pee either so it’s good and accurate.

We have one right fancy scales, measures body fat and all that jazz, even gives you a trending graph.

Think my schyte weighing is messing with its metrics.

Dropped a nuclear sub off now, felt like it was coming out breached at first but it must have straightened as once it started to move it was effortless.

450g in case you were wondering

Hector Savage · 19-10-2020 10:28am

Pintman Paddy Losty wrote: »

Was wondering how long it would be before some bound up spotty faced geek would be in here pronouncing that the most natural of human activities, an essential daily human bodily function, was somehow vile. Ignorant comment. Very ignorant.

Anyway, they don't pop by here too often so let's hope they piss orf out of here back to their Doritos and anime.

Dropped a very unpleasant bolus off this evening. Was very sticky. Sort of the consistency of peanut butter but a much darker richer colour. Like a dark burnt gravy colour but as I said, smooth peanut butter consistency.

Had bought cheap bogroll which ended up gettinh all torn up in the cleanup.

In fairness they were referring to some of the scat type fetish comments that were appearing - we don't like that kind of vile here .....

Thin line pintman .... thin thin line.

JohnnyFlash · 19-10-2020 10:40am

Slideways wrote: »

450g in case you were wondering

That’s barely even a shïte, pal. Small man, small shïte.

I once bunted out a 2.6kg specimen after a very rough and heavy week over at the races in Cheltenham. Now that was a shįte.

Slideways · 19-10-2020 10:49am

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

That’s barely even a shïte, pal. Small man, small shïte.

I once bunted out a 2.6kg specimen after a very rough and heavy week over at the races in Cheltenham. Now that was a shįte.

Or maybe it is because you are more shyte than man?

Hector Savage · 19-10-2020 11:51am

Quite different movements over the last few weeks, some weeks ago I was in the habit of going for a nice stroll along the coast in the evenings, about 8KM there and back, and it really made me have good solid immensely satisfying sh1tes ... one of the bastards would have been perfect but unfortunately it broke as it coiled around the pan ... must have been a kilo in weight.. I wanted to take a pic of that python before sending it on it's merry way to the tratamiento de aguas residuales ...

This reminded me when I was a youngfella , we used to go out to Howth on a half day Wednesday on the DART, hike up to the summit and maybe on the way back down scale down to Lions head .....

That evening I'd take a massive solid dump and spent many hours reading a good Stephen King book on the throne ... memories!!

Last few days it's back to sludgey runny coffee sh1tes in the morning, feel lighter after each one and feel some stirrings now as I'm on my 2nd cup!!

Hector Savage · 19-10-2020 11:58am

And with that I found this about Lions head ...

wow

https://www.dublininquirer.com/2017/04/12/the-story-of-lion-s-head

Great times ...

gerrybbadd · 19-10-2020 2:06pm

Thought some of ye may appreciate this visual representation of Poisedon's kiss

https://v.redd.it/0t9h64k2est51

Hector Savage · 19-10-2020 5:25pm

!! That is great, love the cheeky pat on the bollocks too!!

An Ri rua · 19-10-2020 7:54pm

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Never get stingy when it comes to the bog roll Paddy. Cushelle is the TP of choice at the moment in my gaff. Fairly robust, and deals with all consistencies with aplomb. No fear of tearing and "smudged" fingers afterwards.
I'm surprised we haven't got a survey going of the best TP on the thread yet to be honest.

Obviously, TP in your own abode as is your wont. But when in Rome, do as the Romans do, my friends. If your friend's wife or partner has hung a towel or a curtain, well ...I can tell you that they did not go to all that effort for the craic.
Indeed, with interior design and picture-perfect water closets these days, it's very likely that you get an ear bashing or even people speaking badly about you behind your back for disturbing the alignment of the hanging sheet and how it's perforated edge glances the radiator top if you catch sight of it (quickly) as you step into the horse stance position.
Some folk can be very Patrick Bergin about how the toilet paper hangs. B'é careful !!
Nó, use the accoutrements that were provided. Be they towel, curtain or even drying underwear on the rad (some families are frugal and make crazy use of the auld ragbag).

The thing is is to be diplomatic and do as the Romans do when in Rome.

Brendan Bendar · 19-10-2020 9:27pm

sligojoek wrote: »

A Glasgow oyster.

A gold watch..

EmmetSpiceland · 19-10-2020 9:32pm

An Ri rua wrote: »

Obviously, TP in your own abode as is your wont. But when in Rome, do as the Romans do, my friends. If your friend's wife or partner has hung a towel or a curtain, well ...I can tell you that they did not go to all that effort for the craic.
Indeed, with interior design and picture-perfect water closets these days, it's very likely that you get an ear bashing or even people speaking badly about you behind your back for disturbing the alignment of the hanging sheet and how it's perforated edge glances the radiator top if you catch sight of it (quickly) as you step into the horse stance position.
Some folk can be very Patrick Bergin about how the toilet paper hangs. B'é careful !!
Nó, use the accoutrements that were provided. Be they towel, curtain or even drying underwear on the rad (some families are frugal and make crazy use of the auld ragbag).

The thing is is to be diplomatic and do as the Romans do when in Rome.

Not going to lie, A, if I see the toilet hanging “wall side” I will take that roll off and set it to the right way.

Having hanging inside, paper near the wall, is just not acceptable.

An Ri rua · 19-10-2020 11:33pm

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

Not going to lie, A, if I see the toilet hanging “wall side” I will take that roll off and set it to the right way.

Having hanging inside, paper near the wall, is just not acceptable.

Agreed. A Brennan Bros master touch. Turns many a B&B around. Simply by turning the TP around. That's how those brothers roll...
As any Hermeticist will attest: As above, so below, as below, so above. The toilet roll Fent Shui is all-important. The art of toileting is all about ritual. No different to Johnny Sexton or Rog taking the steps and the swipe before a conversion kick. Except hopefully without the silent respect of 50,000 watchers-on (though the relief can feel similar).
So that's it really. Step up, pull the trigger, wipe and then soak up the ambience of the winner's circle.

In fairness E, it should be said that things not as they should be is not a way to live or prosper. Or defecate in this instance. A sheet's breadth to wallside in the dark is the difference between a good job and that curse of modern life, bringing the work home with you. No, things must be to hand as it were.

An Ri rua · 19-10-2020 11:48pm

Lewis_Benson wrote: »

Struggling at the moment here lads.

A feed of chicken satay, fried rice, and salt and chilli ribs yesterday, washed down by a few bottle of peroni, and then a few cans of Guinness to top it off.... There seems to be some kind of blockage in the chute this morning...

Not uncommon this type of year. A bird in the downpipe or chimney. Probably no need for the drain cleaning lads, maybe a bottle of compressed air released into the balloon knot could do the trick. If it makes a screeching, plaintive wail, you're on your own amigo. Just let it do it's worst and, when the gale abates, assess the damage.

Nevin Parsnipp · 20-10-2020 11:10pm

Indeed my friends...strange times...so they are.

Took a ramble down to my local...hoping the narky, chippy barman was not on dooty as gut was growling a tad.

He was ! Grunted when I politely ordered "A pint of your best porter landlord"....didnt seem to get the humour.

Fook him I thought as the gut rumble grew more insistant....just south of the gallon I had enough of his sour puss...excused myself from the company and headed for the traps.

Big boy brewin for sure ...I entered trap 3 and decided to "freestyle"....jox down...cheeks open and blew out a bladdery, fleshy gush of sour midden.....with a bang that would stretch a half grown African
Pi Dog.

Some of it hit the bowel but I was happy to note that the back wall and the cistern had a definate greenish / yellow glaze indicating a sucessful "freestyle"

Tidied up...and completed the gallon at the bar...before opining to Mr. Kranky that little Majda mite need extra cleaning material in the morning.....

sligojoek · 20-10-2020 11:21pm

Nevin Parsnipp wrote: »

Indeed my friends...strange times...so they are.

Took a ramble down to my local...hoping the narky, chippy barman was not on dooty as gut was growling a tad.

He was ! Grunted when I politely ordered "A pint of your best porter landlord"....didnt seem to get the humour.

Fook him I thought as the gut rumble grew more insistant....just south of the gallon I had enough of his sour puss...excused myself from the company and headed for the traps.

Big boy brewin for sure ...I entered trap 3 and decided to "freestyle"....jox down...cheeks open and blew out a bladdery, fleshy gush of sour midden.....with a bang that would stretch a half grown African
Pi Dog.

Some of it hit the bowel but I was happy to note that the back wall and the cistern had a definate greenish / yellow glaze indicating a sucessful "freestyle"

Tidied up...and completed the gallon at the bar...before opining to Mr. Kranky that little Majda mite need extra cleaning material in the morning.....

What did poor Majda do to you?

Slideways · 20-10-2020 11:31pm

sligojoek wrote: »

What did poor Majda do to you?

Turned down his offer of a knee trembler in the disabled jacks for £2 coin he found in his man purse

What's the etiquette here??

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