What's your ultimate age limit (upper&lower!) when dating?

This is it · 08-04-2019 9:03pm

This is a fun back and forth

Vela · 08-04-2019 9:04pm

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

You're the one going on about it and making it all about you. Not everything is about you. If you think your relationship wasn't predatory, grand. There is very real concern when it comes to people in their twenties and beyond dating teenagers, particularly if they make a habit of it. Anyone working with teenagers, particularly ones coming from difficult backgrounds, is taught to look out for it and keep an eye on any kid with a much older partner. Not sure why that's so hard to grasp. 16 is not even past the age of consent. It's really not OK for a grown man to be dating a kid of that age. If they're sleeping together, it's not even legal.

I mentioned the 'you're so mature for your age' thing being a red flag and a cliche, because it is.

Oh my god, are we talking the same language? My post was about me. Of course it was, it's based on my experience. You then chose to tell me the guy involved was a creep, so I responded to say you are incorrect.

I'm not even going to bother with this bee in your bonnet anymore.

Vela · 08-04-2019 9:06pm

This is it wrote: »

This is a fun back and forth

Ah here, fcuked if I know, I was just asking peeps what their age limits are for dating. Now I've wound up in the keyboard warrior fun zone.

lainey_d_123 · 08-04-2019 9:08pm

Vela wrote: »

Oh my god, are we talking the same language? My post was about me. Of course it was, it's based on my experience. You then chose to tell me the guy involved was a creep, so I responded to say you are incorrect.

I'm not even going to bother with this bee in your bonnet anymore.

No, I didn't. What I said was:

That's the oldest line in the book for creepy men who go after naive teenagers.

And you then proceeded to continue to make it all about you, despite me explaining several times that I've worked with at-risk teenagers and have considerable experience in the matter. I conceded that there may indeed be some exceptions, but that in general, age gaps when one party is very young are a cause for concern. Not a remotely controversial opinion, I wouldn't have thought. You're very self-absorbed.

Vela · 08-04-2019 9:12pm

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

No, I didn't. What I said was:

And you then proceeded to continue to make it all about you, despite me explaining several times that I've worked with at-risk teenagers and have considerable experience in the matter. I conceded that there may indeed be some exceptions, but that in general, age gaps when one party is very young are a cause for concern. Not a remotely controversial opinion, I wouldn't have thought. You're very self-absorbed.

:rolleyes:

lainey_d_123 · 08-04-2019 9:19pm

Vela wrote: »

:rolleyes:

So mature. I can totally imagine just how mature you were at 16.

Let me go and email the people I used to work with and tell them they don't need to worry about safeguarding vulnerable teenagers anymore, because Vela on the internet thinks there's no cause for concern there at all. Never mind the extensive literature or legal cases or the age of consent. Vela thinks it's grand so it's grand.

Reviews and Books Galore · 08-04-2019 9:35pm

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

You relate to them in an appropriate way, as a grown adult interacting with a teenager. Not as a peer. A 19-year-old is not my peer. I could practically be his mother. How could I not have the upper hand, when I have almost twice the life experience? I've been there and done that, so to speak. He hasn't. Which makes it very easy for me to manipulate him and convince him that certain actions or behaviours are OK. This is literally the reason people are concerned by huge age gaps when one party is very young.

You know, I met men who dated younger women. IMO, the younger women were in charge in the relationships I met. Not sure why.

Early twenties women up to much older men. I even knew one lady in her twenties dating a much older man. He'd bring her out to the clubs do that she could have fun with men her own age.

Personally, I think men dating younger women need to grow up. I don't see it as creepy per se, but perhaps immature . Maybe needing to settle diwb or something. Meet someone their own age and grow old and die together.

Although, then again a 23 year old could have more of a head on her shoulders for settling down than a 45 year old woman. Different strikes different folks.

Airyfairy12 · 08-04-2019 10:32pm

Im 30, the youngest id consider would be 28/29 - more likely 29. The oldest id consider would be mid 30's.
Had a 22 year old guy interested in me a few months ago, he was very cute but just too young.

Airyfairy12 · 08-04-2019 10:38pm

Reviews and Books Galore wrote: »

You know, I met men who dated younger women. IMO, the younger women were in charge in the relationships I met. Not sure why.

Early twenties women up to much older men. I even knew one lady in her twenties dating a much older man. He'd bring her out to the clubs do that she could have fun with men her own age.

Personally, I think men dating younger women need to grow up. I don't see it as creepy per se, but perhaps immature . Maybe needing to settle diwb or something. Meet someone their own age and grow old and die together.

Although, then again a 23 year old could have more of a head on her shoulders for settling down than a 45 year old woman. Different strikes different folks.

I could never understand why young women in their 20's go for much older men, I get that it's different strokes for different folks and maybe im a little bit judgmental but I always thought it screamed daddy issues on her part and creep on his part. What could they have in common?
When I was 22 and out with friends a man in his late 50's joined our group, he was part of another group that were known to some of my friends. He looked much younger than his age and dressed young too but he flirted, asked for my number and I just couldnt, the thoughts of flirting and potentially being with someone in a romantic/sexual way who was older than my dad made me cringe.

Vela · 08-04-2019 11:54pm

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

So mature. I can totally imagine just how mature you were at 16.

Let me go and email the people I used to work with and tell them they don't need to worry about safeguarding vulnerable teenagers anymore, because Vela on the internet thinks there's no cause for concern there at all. Never mind the extensive literature or legal cases or the age of consent. Vela thinks it's grand so it's grand.

Would you ever chill out a wee bit.

09-04-2019 12:16am

My partner is quite a bit older than me and it works for us. I have always preferred it that way but certainly never ruled out a men a few years younger than me. It is strange to read the comments about the gaps being creepy when such a one exists in my relationship. There is really nothing odd or unusual about us.
I do respect that such views exist but I disagree with them. Life is so much more complicated than "30 yr old + 20yr old = creepy"

Marcus Rashford · 09-04-2019 7:51am

Vela, it is reckless for you to tell people “it was fine”. Whilst a minor, you were targeted by an older and mentally deficient sexual predator. It was wrong. The fact that he deflowered you when it was legal is neither here nor there; it was a dysfunctional relationship.

09-04-2019 8:46am

chrissb8 wrote: »

Any guy who can't get a girl within his age group give or take a couple of years and has to go after 16 year olds is a major red flag.

If I am eating a fruit - that in no way means I could not get a vegetable. It only means I am eating a fruit.

Similarly someone who happens to be going out with someone younger than them - that in no way means they "can't get a girl within his age group". It just means in this case - they haven't done so.

So the "has to go after 16 year olds" is just an assumption narrative on your part which we can neither show to be true _or_ false without more information.

Yermande · 09-04-2019 8:50am

There's a lot of middle-aged people laying out their dating preferences. I wonder if they've been a little too picky in life.

09-04-2019 8:54am

Deleted User wrote: »

It is strange to read the comments about the gaps being creepy when such a one exists in my relationship. There is really nothing odd or unusual about us.

Agreed. I think the user with an issue about it has their perspective skewed because they specifically work with at risk and problem teenagers.

It is like forming a view of Drinkers solely on the opinion of someone who "works with drinkers". The very fact they have to "work" with them implies they already have a problems and issues. They are in a problem group.

It is a self selecting group. The person doing this "work" does not generally see the people for whom no problems exist - which is likely the majority by far - and have their perspective predictably skewed as a result.

But their heart is in the right place all the same. Younger people _are_ at risk from predatory older people. And while we should not jump to conclusions or assume people creeps - especially off the back of a personally compromising anecdote or two like we saw on this thread - we can still be vigilant when the dynamic arises.

But it does amuse me to see people with an age difference told that it is because they "cannot get someone their own age". Since I entered into a relationship with someone just under 2 years younger than me - and someone just over 10 years younger than me at _the same time_ it kinda torpedoes their theory for me anyway

Yermande wrote: »

There's a lot of middle-aged people laying out their dating preferences. I wonder if they've been a little too picky in life.

Or not picky enough - meaning in mid life their relationship broke down? Could go either way on that one!

Plopsu · 09-04-2019 9:08am

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

If you think your relationship wasn't predatory, grand.

Daaaaammmmmnnnnn!

09-04-2019 9:28am

Woke Hogan wrote: »

You started going out with one of your partners when he or she was seventeen? Did you go to their debs?

I'm in my late 50s and happily married for many years but if something happened to my wife I suppose I'd go out with someone aged around 30-50. I couldn't go out with someone older than me, no way.

Im 44, can see I could date a 29 yo woman (that conveniently works out at half my age plus 7, which I was told before was the ideal age, but read recently is the lower limit), but Id probably date down to 24 or 25, Im just not so convinced they would

or that it would last, but I know some women younger than 29 who are mature and nice arent interested in just clubbing or on their phones.
Im quite young looking compared to a lot of women my age, (going by some dating sites) some women ten years younger than me look older (again that might not be how Im seen by anyone else, especially younger).
I used to think anyone over 27 was old and anything older than that was either a parent a teacher or ancient).

realistically age could probably be 34/35, but I wouldnt date any older than 37/38, depends on how well they look after themself and what they are like.
24/29-34/37

09-04-2019 11:53am

1874 wrote: »

Im 44, can see I could date a 29 yo woman (that conveniently works out at half my age plus 7, which I was told before was the ideal age, but read recently is the lower limit), but Id probably date down to 24 or 25, Im just not so convinced they would or that it would last, but I know some women younger than 29 who are mature and nice arent interested in just clubbing or on their phones.
Im quite young looking compared to a lot of women my age, (going by some dating sites) some women ten years younger than me look older (again that might not be how Im seen by anyone else, especially younger).
I used to think anyone over 27 was old and anything older than that was either a parent a teacher or ancient).

realistically age could probably be 34/35, but I wouldnt date any older than 37/38, depends on how well they look after themself and what they are like.
24/29-34/37

So the oldest you're willing to go is 7 years younger than yourself, if she looks the part.

What exactly are you offering to this attractive woman in her thirties? Why do you expect her to go out with someone at least 7 years older, when you yourself consider an older partner (or even one the same age) undesirable?

Women saying they won't go out with someone a year younger than them are just as silly imo. People really need to stop being so hung up on a number and just go out and see who you click with. Within reason obviously (i.e. a 25-30 year old with a teenager is wrong).

partyguinness · 09-04-2019 11:55am

18 is lowest and death is the upper.

Deebles McBeebles · 09-04-2019 11:57am

Flying Fox wrote: »

Within reason obviously (i.e. a 25-30 year old with a teenager is wrong).

Is it? I was 25 when I met my missus, she was 18. Your sweeping generalisation didn't seem to be shared by anyone within my earshot.

SoundsRight · 09-04-2019 11:58am

16-25. If a girl is still single above that age, there's something not quite right.

Emme · 09-04-2019 12:00pm

partyguinness wrote: »

18 is lowest and death is the upper.

Once we girls pass 40 the lad in the cloak carrying the sickle is the only option for many of us.

SusieBlue · 09-04-2019 12:03pm

SoundsRight wrote: »

16-25. If a girl is still single above that age, there's something not quite right.

What if she was in a relationship from 16-25, and then becomes single. Is there still something "not quite right"?

SoundsRight · 09-04-2019 12:08pm

SusieBlue wrote: »

What if she was in a relationship from 16-25, and then becomes single. Is there still something "not quite right"?

I'd be curious as to why she'd want to be single at that age.

SusieBlue · 09-04-2019 12:09pm

SoundsRight wrote: »

I'd be curious as to why she'd want to be single at that age.

Maybe she got dumped, or maybe the person wasn't right for her so she ended things, and isn't it better to be single than to be committed to the wrong person?

It isn't as black a white an issue as you repeatedly try to make it.
Single women over 25 are not the cat hoarding spinsters you like to think they are.

09-04-2019 12:14pm

SoundsRight wrote: »

I'd be curious as to why she'd want to be single at that age.

Is this a piss take?

Maybe she wants to have fun, travel the world, focus on her studies/career, the list is endless. Having a man isn't the be all and end all for most women in their twenties, believe it or not.

JeffKenna · 09-04-2019 12:18pm

34 year old..

18 - 88

09-04-2019 12:19pm

Deebles McBeebles wrote: »

Is it? I was 25 when I met my missus, she was 18. Your sweeping generalisation didn't seem to be shared by anyone within my earshot.

If I had an 18 year old daughter I wouldn't be thrilled about it, no. There's an obvious power inbalance there, and people change a lot between their late teens and mid twenties - they are formative years. Of course the older you get the less it matters, but at 18 it's a significant gap.

Emme · 09-04-2019 12:19pm

SoundsRight wrote: »

16-25. If a girl is still single above that age, there's something not quite right.

What's the age something isn't quite right about a man if he's still single?

SoundsRight · 09-04-2019 12:19pm

Flying Fox wrote: »

Is this a piss take?

Maybe she wants to have fun, travel the world, focus on her studies/career, the list is endless. Having a man isn't the be all and end all for most women in their twenties, believe it or not.

Most women? Really? I doubt that.

lainey_d_123 · 09-04-2019 12:19pm

Flying Fox wrote: »

Is this a piss take?

Maybe she wants to have fun, travel the world, focus on her studies/career, the list is endless. Having a man isn't the be all and end all for most women in their twenties, believe it or not.

It's amazing how many men truly don't understand this.

bnt · 09-04-2019 12:24pm

SoundsRight wrote: »

16-25. If a girl is still single above that age, there's something not quite right.

So if there's something not quite right, what are you going to do about it? Or are you just looking for reasons to reject people?

This seems to be the trend in dating: people very quick to find fault if someone doesn't tick some box, but no interest in learning more or maybe doing something about it. It's so much easier to walk away, say it's somebody else's problem. Then years later, you find yourself wondering why you're still single, wondering where all the good men or women have gone. :rolleyes:

Deebles McBeebles · 09-04-2019 12:26pm

Flying Fox wrote: »

If I had an 18 year old daughter I wouldn't be thrilled about it, no. There's an obvious power inbalance there, and people change a lot between their late teens and mid twenties - they are formative years. Of course the older you get the less it matters, but at 18 it's a significant gap.

You assume its a significant gap, it wasn't. You might take your own advice.

Flying Fox wrote: »

People really need to stop being so hung up on a number and just go out and see who you click with.

09-04-2019 12:27pm

SoundsRight wrote: »

Most women? Really? I doubt that.

You seem to have a very old fashioned view of women.

I have plenty of friends who met their partners in their late 20s or 30s. They weren't going out every weekend desperate to tie down a man, they just met people they clicked with and the relationship developed naturally.

I started going out with my ex at 23 and we split up when I was 30. So by your logic there was nothing wrong with me when I was coupled up at 29, but something wrong with me when I was single a few months later.

Not everyone needs a partner to validate their existence. It is possible to be happily single, but also open to starting a relationship if you meet the right person.

ohnonotgmail · 09-04-2019 12:29pm

SoundsRight wrote: »

16-25. If a girl is still single above that age, there's something not quite right.

How young are you that you would consider dating a 16 year old?

partyguinness · 09-04-2019 12:30pm

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

It's amazing how many men truly don't understand this.

There is a girl who works for us just gone 23 and lives at home with parents. Been with us since she left school- first and only job to date. She got engaged 2 years ago.

I had a right go at her for getting engaged.What type of person gets engaged at 21? This is not the 1970s and our parents era.

There is a whole world out there to see and experience. Getting engaged at 21? **** me..is that the extent of your ambition. Now I accept we all do not go to university for 4 years, do the whole J1 thing, shag and drink loads as much as possible, do a lot of traveling etc (me at 21),

Anyway, she dumped the fiancee at Christmas as he was caught drink driving. Sounds like she was looking for a way out...we teased her that it was just drama and they will be back together in a few weeks. She has held out so far and is having a right laugh heading off on her own or with friends for weekends away.

Glad she has seen the light.

09-04-2019 12:32pm

Deebles McBeebles wrote: »

You assume its a significant gap, it wasn't. You might take your own advice.

I said within reason. I personally don't think someone of 25+ should be going out with a teenager. Just my opinion, but I doubt it's an uncommon one. Your life experience changes so much between 18 and 25.

Markcheese · 09-04-2019 12:35pm

Emme wrote: »

Once we girls pass 40 the lad in the cloak carrying the sickle is the only option for many of us.

I'll make sure to pass that little gem on to my girlfriend (now that she's hit 40),
I'm sure she'll be thrilled to know she still has options out there, even if limited..
(and I reckon she'd quite like the cloak)

SoundsRight · 09-04-2019 12:40pm

ohnonotgmail wrote: »

How young are you that you would consider dating a 16 year old?

I'm 36.

Lux23 · 09-04-2019 12:41pm

23 and no upper limit if they're rich enough.

I'm 36.

ohnonotgmail · 09-04-2019 12:44pm

SoundsRight wrote: »

I'm 36.

well that is a bit sick.

09-04-2019 12:48pm

Flying Fox wrote: »

I personally don't think someone of 25+ should be going out with a teenager. Just my opinion, but I doubt it's an uncommon one.

"not uncommon" is vague enough though. It is amazing how little something has to become "not uncommon" to feel like it is everywhere. Even though it is actually relatively very rare.

I have a partner who is 30 now and 17 when we met. I am 40 now - 27 when we met. We have been doing nothing but getting steadily happier together the entire time and she is now due to have her first child with me. All good stuff.

The "opinion" of which you speak was barely something I registered from sources around me. In fact most of the lads and even a couple of the girls I knew were jealous about how attractive she was - and still is. Her age generally did not seem to register as a concern at all.

And most of the people who had issues with it were just the parents and siblings who were naturally protective. They all came around in time when they realised it was a committed relationship and not just some fling where I was a manipulative predator or something. But certainly in the early days I had a lot of issues with them. Some somewhat violent at the time alas. Water under the bridge these days however and I even respect them for it in a way.

SoundsRight · 09-04-2019 12:51pm

ohnonotgmail wrote: »

well that is a bit sick.

In what way? It's entirely normal.

Feisar · 09-04-2019 12:52pm

SoundsRight wrote: »

In what way? It's entirely normal.

Username... doesn't fit.

09-04-2019 1:06pm

I'm curious as to why men who have posted with a preference for a younger woman are getting a hard time? What is so terrible about being 40 something and not wanting to date a woman older than 30 something?

SoundsRight · 09-04-2019 1:07pm

Feisar wrote: »

Username... doesn't fit.

It's biology; we're programmed to be more attracted to women that age than our own age. Have to think about the continuation of our race. Not going to get that from some career-focused, globe-trotting narcissist.

Marcus Rashford · 09-04-2019 1:12pm

partyguinness wrote: »

18 is lowest and death is the upper.

18 right up to Death plus 30 mins for me

Deebles McBeebles · 09-04-2019 1:14pm

Deleted User wrote: »

I'm curious as to why men who have posted with a preference for a younger woman are getting a hard time? What is so terrible about being 40 something and not wanting to date a woman older than 30 something?

Certainly cannot see an issue with a 7 year gap, the woman being younger. Most successful relationships I've seen have a similar age gap.

Orwellmerchant · 09-04-2019 1:28pm

18-21, take them right from their mother. I'm 27.

howamidifferent · 09-04-2019 1:34pm

I'm male early 50's. Currently single. I've always been attracted to women in the early to late 20's. As someone else said. It's biology.

Been married twice before, I was 1 year older than my first wife and 17 years older than my second. Both marriages lasted 11 years. My preference has not changed in all that time and its nothing to do with being predatory or looking to groom some naive innocent young girl. It's just natural attraction at play.

First marriage I ended because she cheated. Second marriage we decided mutually to end due to differing aspirations at that point. Still great friends.

Age is only a number for people to gossip about.

What's your ultimate age limit (upper&lower!) when dating?

Comments