Anger at sister over wedding expenses

HildaOgdenx · 14-09-2020 12:59am

Agree with pp. It's really nothing to do with you.

You mention that the guest list was cut down, when it was rescheduled. So presumably it cost less than it was to, originally.

In the nicest possible way, OP, you need to let it go.
I don't see how you contributing money, would help. If anything I would think that would make you resent your sister more.

SusieBlue · 14-09-2020 1:07am

While I can understand your anger and think it’s quite justified, your opportunity to say something has passed.
You really should have raised the issue prior to the wedding.

Some might say it’s not your business and I suppose it isn’t, but at the same time no one would like to see their parents being taken advantage of.
The worst that could have happened would have been told to mind your own business, and at best maybe it would have started a conversation where your parents could vocalise any financial concerns they had.
It really does depend on the family dynamic though, cause I know in mine someone would have passed comment straight away if a sibling was making demands like that.

All you can do now is make peace with it and speak up about your concerns if it ever happens again.

Airyfairy12 · 14-09-2020 1:12am

Advice321 wrote: »

I have been reluctant to place any blame on my parents as they are quite traditional and this was the first wedding in the family so I think they did not have any experience and did not want to appear supportive. Another thing I should have mentioned was that the grooms parents would be considerably more wealthy than us and I think my parents felt that they would not be keeping up their side of the bargain if they did not play their part.

I have to stress how out of character this is by my sister too. It seemed to spiral out of control since lockdown and it was like she was on a mission against the world since the restrictions came in place and was out to somehow prove the world that she could still do it. What she was trying to prove, I have no idea.

Could she have felt under pressure from her partner and his family to have an extravagant wedding?
Even so, as mention in other posts it's not very common anymore for parents to foot the wedding bill unless they are wealthy or in your parents case, decide to spend the money. It was their choice when it comes down to it, again your sister was very wrong for her part but your parents are not victims and are to blame also. If it was out of their budget, they should not have agreed to it.
What I think is the worst part about this is how no one said anything to your sister before the wedding, you all just went along with what she wanted while secretly seething with anger, now it's in the past you are holding it over your sister, ready to explode at any time. You didnt say anything at the time, it's too late now you might aswell just move on.

Antares35 · 14-09-2020 1:18am

Up to your parents to say no. My parents treat my pr*ck of a brother like a saint, even though he's spoiled, selfish and has never done a thing for them. I've spent years trying to manage my anger and frustration, and eventually had to realise that parents are people too and can make their own stupid mistakes if they want. Although you might see the "devastation in their eyes" at the end of the day, most people do what they want, and are where they want to be, parents included.

LegacyUser · 14-09-2020 8:06am

Faith wrote: »

I also wonder if you have the full picture, OP. If the wedding went ahead recently, did they cut the guest list down significantly? Either they had always planned a very small wedding, or had to cut lots of their guest list and reduced costs that way. An open bar for less than 50 people that ends by 11:30 is a vastly different proposition to an open bar for 200 guests that could go on all night.

Or is it the case that the wedding took place prior to lockdown? If so, and you’re holding onto this anger so tightly more than 6 months later, then I’d be tending towards suggesting you speak to a professional to work through whatever this has brought up in you, as it can’t be good for you to be living with this much resentment.

Edit: I re-read your posts and see the wedding was post-March. So then the question reverts to, do you have the full picture? It’s entirely possible your parents had contributed X amount which had already been paid to the hotel for Y number of guests. Perhaps the hotel wouldn’t refund it, but offered a compromise of an open bar and lots of extra instead?

It seems like you’re projecting a lot and filling in blanks incorrectly. Do you know what the actual costs incurred by your parents were? What the difference was between expected costs and actual costs given Covid? Do you know if they perhaps had saved up a sum of money to contribute to your sisters wedding over the years?

Unless you know for an absolute fact (I.e. a parent telling you explicitly that they were financially hurt by the wedding), then I think you need to be careful making assumptions because you could end up making a lot of waves and coming off as the bad guy.

Thanks Faith, A lot of food for thought in the above post. The wedding was in the past week so it is still very fresh in my mind.

It is true that I do not know the exact details of the expenses incurred and I am very open to suggestion that I am taking a single/tunnel vision look at what has happened. I have been trying to zoom out and see the big picture. This wedding expense is nothing new in the grand scheme. Every week, someone could post a similar story to what I have told. I just thought my sister would behave differently. In every other aspect of her life, she has been so thoughtful, considerate, and never attracted any drama. I thought the rebooking of the date and scaling down of the guest list was the perfect opportunity for her to see the light and for common sense to prevail but she went ahead and seemed to think that overcompensating by throwing more money at it was the way to go.

The wedding won't leave my parents broke but it is the fact that they work so damn hard to earn the money and to see it blown on a few hours of sillyness kills me. I could easily see how €5k could have been avoided on the day with absolutely no compromise on the enjoyment of the day for my sister, family, or any of the guests.

I had thought about holding a clear the air meeting but ultimately that would be me acting selfishly and looking to get stuff off my chest. The wedding is done and over with and all I would be doing is driving a wedge between us.

LegacyUser · 14-09-2020 9:51am

Advice321 wrote: »

Another thing I should have mentioned was that the grooms parents would be considerably more wealthy than us and I think my parents felt that they would not be keeping up their side of the bargain if they did not play their part.

So it wasn't 100% your sister but also wanting to keep up appearances situation with the new in-laws?

You say its out of character for your sister and you don't mention the groom and how much influence he had in this. The assumption is always that women push the cost of weddings but if his family is more well off he might not have seen it as excessive wedding and your sister got caught up in things. Is he the first in his family to get married? Maybe they wanted to go all out or maybe they've had loads of weddings and they've all been excessive. Honestly OP if your parents are suffering badly financially over this they should talk to the couple in question but its their issue not yours.

freshpopcorn · 14-09-2020 1:02pm

The only thing I do know in my experience is some parents do pay for there kids weddings. However they've generally planned for this over the years if they've that traditional view about things and they want to do it.
They'd nearly be embarrassed to have it any other way.

Faith · 14-09-2020 2:14pm

Advice321 wrote: »

Thanks Faith, A lot of food for thought in the above post. The wedding was in the past week so it is still very fresh in my mind.

I commend you for being reflective about this!

Thinking back to my wedding, there was a minimum guest number and we had to pay in instalments, some several months in advance. We fell below the minimum number but still had to pay for the guests that weren't there. Had we had more time (several last-minute cancellations), I'm sure we could have bargained with the hotel to put the extra money towards something else.

Say your sister invited 150 people at €100 a head, and was required to pay 50% 6 months prior to the day. She/your parents may have paid the hotel €7,500 prior to lockdown, with €7,500 owing. And/or say the hotel had a minimum guest number of 80 that they wouldn't compromise on, but restrictions meant she could only invite ~45 people. She/your parents would have been required to pay €8,000 to cover a bill of €4,500. The hotel may well have said "We won't give you back your money, but we'll put the extra €3,500 on a bar tab and throw in a chocolate fountain too".

That may look, from the outside, like your sister demanded a free bar, but may have been an alternative to your parents losing a lot of money.

Secondly, florists, hair and make-up artists - they're standard for most weddings. It's likely they were booked ages ago and, again, your sister A) is reasonable to keep those expenses, and

may well have lost money if she didn't have them on the day.

Cars and cakes are more optional but most people wouldn't see them as unreasonable wedding expenses.

TBH, it sounds more like you don't understand the costs of a typical wedding than your sister was insanely unreasonable and demanding. May I ask if you're male or female, and if you're married/near marriage yourself?

Finally, although it's not expected any more, many families (particularly, I find, rural families) will have saved over the years to pay for/contribute to the cost of their children's weddings. Your parents may have always planned to give her (and possibly each of you) X amount towards a wedding. There was almost certainly a conversation that you weren't party to where it was discussed how much your parents would be financially involved, and if you get married, you may find your parents offer you money towards it too.

I just thought my sister would behave differently. In every other aspect of her life, she has been so thoughtful, considerate, and never attracted any drama. I thought the rebooking of the date and scaling down of the guest list was the perfect opportunity for her to see the light and for common sense to prevail but she went ahead

Overall, it sounds like you had a set idea of how your sister "should" behave, and you're disappointed in her for not living up to your imagined standard. It sounds like you'd only have been happy if she had the wedding you wanted, rather than you being happy for her that she had the wedding she wanted.

How would you feel if the tables were turned? If you chose to have a small, modest wedding and your sister was furious at you because you didn't have a big, extravagant one, for example?

Danni21 · 14-09-2020 2:45pm

OP i'm sorry but I really think there is more to this. To refer to the biggest day of your sisters life as "a few hours of silliness" is just a bit mean. I think you have jealousy and resentment towards her for other reasons. If she has been so kind and drama free, modest and considerate her entire life why are you so hateful that she has the biggest day of her life, a once off event, made so special. How do you know exactly your parents are struggling as a result of this? Did they say something? Have you seen their bank balance? Did you see the wedding bill?

It might not be the modern approach for parents to pay for weddings but it still does happen. Some families are still quite traditional in that sense. You said your parents are farmers who are modest, hard working etc. They sound quite traditional to me. How do you know they did not want 110% nothing more than to pay for their daughters wedding?

Is this sister younger or older? You mentioned the hassle it caused the bridesmaids were you a bridesmaid?

Xterminator · 14-09-2020 3:30pm

OP

in my honest opinion you are the one who has a problem here.

there is no reason your sister cannot ask you parents to help pay for the wedding. Doesn't matter whether or not it is something you would do. They are her parents too.

There is nothing stopping your parents from putting a cap on how much they can help, if at all. If they are not able to afford more than figure X then it is up to them, as competent adults to say so. It is not u to you to decide how they can spend the money they saved up.

If you sister wants a fancy reception and can afford it, then good on her. Its not everyones cup of tea, but why you think you get to decide what is 'enough' or what is over the one , i cannot fathom.

I think you love your sister and your parents, but this whole things has triggered something in your psyche that has dragged up these feelings of resentment. It is not your role to be the arbiter of what is right and wrong in your family's decisions. What is right for one person is wrong to another and vice versa. What is overly extravagant to you , may not be so to your parents or your sister.

Im sure you won't spoil things for your sister, on her big dy. But it is important you do not allow your feelings to affect your relationship with family. It can be a poison, so don't let it.

shesty · 14-09-2020 3:49pm

I think OP that the bigger issue here is that your sister did something that you wouldn't do, that she hasn't done before, and that you assumed she would never do - you assumed she thought like you and that it would always be that way.

Unfortunately that is not the case. As you get older and your siblings get into relationships, you find yourself biting your tongue a lot. They do things that leave you thinking...what???

You wonder did you ever know this person, if they would turn around and do or think something like this.

Your sister is now in a couple and her other half will have influence over her. I am not saying this is right or wrong, or what she did is right or wrong, or even that it was his fault,but I really do not think you should say anything here. You stand to lose no matter what, if I am honest. Some things just cannot be unsaid, and weddings can be extremely touchy subjects in families.

Your parents are adults, and this is between them and your sister. Really, they have created a silly situation now where they will have to think long and hard about how they approach any future weddings. If the time comes for you to get married and you are having the money conversation with them, then I think at that point you could say quietly you felt your sister went a bit over the top and you are prepared to only let them contribute X amount to yours. But right now is not the time or place for that.

I think this is something you probably need to come to terms with - there is a strong enough likelihood that your sister might have kids in the future at some point and you will have this feeling again over certain things she does or says with regard to the kids. But it is a case of biting your tongue, and learning how to just back off. Relationships in families change as you get older, especially when each sibling gains a family of their own, and (within reason) if you want to maintain good relationships then learning to keep your opinions to yourself is unfortunately a part of it.

In this situation, the arrangement was between your sister and your parents. All are adults, all were absolutely capable of sitting down and working out an alternate arrangement - or any arrangement - but mainly now....it is over. Maybe your parents have learned something from it, and hopefully your sister will continue with her life without making such an ask again. But realistically, you just don't really feature in the middle of that picture. As regards your own anger about it, it is something that you might try to put to rest yourself, or maybe talk to someone about if it is getting to you that much. Organising family meetings, or passing comments about bills is just not the answer though.

Feets · 14-09-2020 3:52pm

I feel you have not gotten over it as you are directing your anger at the wrong person. You sound confused by how it was all let happen. Its your parents you are angry at for not saying no. They allowed it all.

LegacyUser · 14-09-2020 4:32pm

Faith wrote: »

I commend you for being reflective about this!

Thinking back to my wedding, there was a minimum guest number and we had to pay in instalments, some several months in advance. We fell below the minimum number but still had to pay for the guests that weren't there. Had we had more time (several last-minute cancellations), I'm sure we could have bargained with the hotel to put the extra money towards something else.

Say your sister invited 150 people at €100 a head, and was required to pay 50% 6 months prior to the day. She/your parents may have paid the hotel €7,500 prior to lockdown, with €7,500 owing. And/or say the hotel had a minimum guest number of 80 that they wouldn't compromise on, but restrictions meant she could only invite ~45 people. She/your parents would have been required to pay €8,000 to cover a bill of €4,500. The hotel may well have said "We won't give you back your money, but we'll put the extra €3,500 on a bar tab and throw in a chocolate fountain too".

That may look, from the outside, like your sister demanded a free bar, but may have been an alternative to your parents losing a lot of money.

Secondly, florists, hair and make-up artists - they're standard for most weddings. It's likely they were booked ages ago and, again, your sister A) is reasonable to keep those expenses, and may well have lost money if she didn't have them on the day.

Cars and cakes are more optional but most people wouldn't see them as unreasonable wedding expenses.

TBH, it sounds more like you don't understand the costs of a typical wedding than your sister was insanely unreasonable and demanding. May I ask if you're male or female, and if you're married/near marriage yourself?

Finally, although it's not expected any more, many families (particularly, I find, rural families) will have saved over the years to pay for/contribute to the cost of their children's weddings. Your parents may have always planned to give her (and possibly each of you) X amount towards a wedding. There was almost certainly a conversation that you weren't party to where it was discussed how much your parents would be financially involved, and if you get married, you may find your parents offer you money towards it too.

Overall, it sounds like you had a set idea of how your sister "should" behave, and you're disappointed in her for not living up to your imagined standard. It sounds like you'd only have been happy if she had the wedding you wanted, rather than you being happy for her that she had the wedding she wanted.

How would you feel if the tables were turned? If you chose to have a small, modest wedding and your sister was furious at you because you didn't have a big, extravagant one, for example?

OP here - Wow, This is extremely helpful. It has been a real eye-opener for me. I'm male, 28, single and have only been to 4-5 previous weddings. I 100% agree that I was projecting my views/standards on what a wedding should be.

This is exactly the type of advice and insight I was hoping to get from this thread. I want to see it from another angle as I know there is something that I am missing. I'm not looking for my views to be reconfirmed. I want to have them challenged and diluted.

Perhaps the expenses are all part of what a wedding is and I am the one who is being naive. I am a big believer in the placebo effect so this line of thinking may be most beneficial to me in the long run, rather than my initial thoughts on it.

Thanks again Faith, some much needed perspective offered!

LegacyUser · 14-09-2020 4:43pm

Danni21 wrote: »

OP i'm sorry but I really think there is more to this. To refer to the biggest day of your sisters life as "a few hours of silliness" is just a bit mean. I think you have jealousy and resentment towards her for other reasons. If she has been so kind and drama free, modest and considerate her entire life why are you so hateful that she has the biggest day of her life, a once off event, made so special. How do you know exactly your parents are struggling as a result of this? Did they say something? Have you seen their bank balance? Did you see the wedding bill?

It might not be the modern approach for parents to pay for weddings but it still does happen. Some families are still quite traditional in that sense. You said your parents are farmers who are modest, hard working etc. They sound quite traditional to me. How do you know they did not want 110% nothing more than to pay for their daughters wedding?

Is this sister younger or older? You mentioned the hassle it caused the bridesmaids were you a bridesmaid?

OP here - I am 100% open to any suggestions that I am being unreasonable or narrow minded on this. My hope with posting is to figure out what my blind spots are.

Maybe there is an element of resentment somewhere in my thinking but I really don't think it is the main reason. I am not saying that my sister should have had a stingey wedding in the local Supermacs but a 5 star country house is not what we were brought up on either. It just seemed to me that the day could have been as special, without the need for all of the expense and stress created for my parents.

I think the most beneficial line of thinking I can use is that my way of thinking is just my opinion. I have to respect and appreciate the opinions of others equally.

Ellie2008 · 14-09-2020 4:48pm

OP I don’t know what to make of the fact that you considered organising a family meeting to clear the air about something that’s between your sister & your parents. 1) it’s none of your business, as others have pointed out they are your sister’s parents as much as they are yours, 2) the day has passed the deed is done. For your own sake don’t create bad feeling about your sister’s big day, your sister may not forgive you for it & your motivations for doing so may be questioned.

You are not the head of the family, if your sister breached your standards that’s your issue. Your anger is also your issue. If you find anger is impacting your quality of life maybe talk it through with a counsellor.

bitofabind · 14-09-2020 5:06pm

Advice321 wrote: »

Every week, someone could post a similar story to what I have told. I just thought my sister would behave differently. In every other aspect of her life, she has been so thoughtful, considerate, and never attracted any drama.

Family dynamics are interesting things. Someone else pointed it out, but if your sister is usually such a decent skin, why would you begrudge her a bit of lavishness on the biggest day of her life, when your parents don't seem to have directly expressed that this was a problem for them?

And is it also their view that this was a "day of silliness"? The first family wedding of one of their children, I'd highly doubt that. A lot of the features of this wedding in your laundry list are fairly bog-standard for an Irish wedding. I don't get the chocolate fountains and vintage cars either, but they're a standard part of the package these days. Nothing exceptional there.

It's worth interrogating your own feelings about this a bit more before saying or doing something you'll live to regret. Is there a bit of sibling rivalry in this resentment and anger you feel? There's nothing wrong with that. I have an extremely molly-coddled younger sister and a special needs older sister, sometimes I've gotten lost in the mix of that. Any "family meetings" I'd have held about the younger one getting my parents to throw thousands at one of her latest causes, would almost certainly have alienated me to the point of being labelled "jealous", so I learned to treat my parents as adults with their own power of choice and compartmentalise it a long time ago. It's worth thinking about whether you need to create the same emotional distance for yourself.

shesty · 14-09-2020 5:22pm

Ah.

OP I completely understand this is ridiculous for me to say, but seeing as you have just said you are a 28 year old male, I actually do get it now.

At risk of huge generalisation (I am aware I am making one) I am glad you found Faith's post an eye opener, as many men do not have a notion of wedding costs until they are getting married themselves.It is just not something they need to consider for the most part.

Sure, not all the bells and trimmings are a necessity but weddings do not come cheap for your "typical" wedding.

The rest is between your parents and sister and I suggest you leave it there.

freshpopcorn · 14-09-2020 7:17pm

OP, have your parents actually complained about this?

I'd know people who paid for their daughter's wedding. They wanted to do it.
Some may have taken out a Credit Union loan.
Some had money saved.
Others(Farmers) may have sold a site, etc to pay for the day.
Then I know families and they simply couldn't entertain the idea. They might scrap the money for the dress.

How are you going to feel OP if your parents help your siblings out with houses, give them sites or with other family weddings in the future?(Some families are into this thing)
That's a reason why they have been careful with there money over the years.

Weddings are rather expensive and they are lot's of things us men would't see as necessary but they'd be essentially for some.

qwerty13 · 15-09-2020 1:16am

Even if your parents found it rough going financially, they might be hurt by you suggesting that they shouldn’t (or couldn’t have afforded to) have done so. I totally get that you’re trying to look out for them, but you might not have all the facts - and they are grown adults!

It sounds like you’ve taken lots of advice here on board, so hopefully you can just let the matter go. I do get where you’re coming from, but I don’t think it’s appropriate for you to stick your opinion in here.

lucernarian · 15-09-2020 1:48am

I think OP can at least talk to the parents in a calm way without drama, and see what the lie of the land is. Through calm talking, there can be more understanding. Like asking if they are struggling at all or even simply offering to contribute money as a gift on his behalf etc.

I also think those suggesting counselling for the OP... Really? Feelings of anger are not necessarily pathological? Even when the person clearly struggles with the reason for the anger, it's probably quite healthy to see it as such and to talk about it in a neutral venue like here. The OP has acknowledged it's festering and there's a tone of judgement in replies which criticise him directly because of that openness.

My own take: there's probably more to this, as if the relationship was previously rock-solid and close then probably he would have talked to his sister long ago in a non-confrontational manner and would have known what the wedding involved, well in advance too. If it was actually strong, getting the opinions of his sister would make sense. If it wasn't, then it's probably time to move on and make peace with it.

ILoveYourVibes · 15-09-2020 3:41am

Wow this is like the 1850's!

I really thought couples just paid for their own weddings now.

Tell your sister. Its not worth it.

I would be happy to pay 5k if it helped them shoulder the burden and also (perhaps selfishly) help me to process some of the guilt and anger that I feel about the whole situation.

The average cost of a wedding in Ireland is ....25K...Which seems crazy to me.

Why people get married in this day and age I don't know. Anyway ...that's not going to help you.

I would sit down write down everything and the costs. And then write down the income of your parents. And then write down their outgoings each month for what they need.

Show all this to her ...and make her understand how this is going to affect them.

But don't be nasty. Do it kindly and lovingly.

I would also point this out to your parents.

Also i would tell her you love her. And that she is gorgeous ...and she doesn't need all that crap to be the best bride and have the best wedding. A lot of the time its a self esteem issue ..i have to have this etc. My friends have this ..if i dont have this ...i am nobody etc.

bobbyy gee · 15-09-2020 3:43am

i would not talk to her for the rest of your life

qwerty13 · 15-09-2020 5:10am

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

Wow this is like the 1850's!

I really thought couples just paid for their own weddings now.

Tell your sister. Its not worth it.

The average cost of a wedding in Ireland is ....25K...Which seems crazy to me.

Why people get married in this day and age I don't know. Anyway ...that's not going to help you.
>> there’s a lot of legal protections ordered by being married, especially re inheritance and kids, and next of kin rights.

I would sit down write down everything and the costs. And then write down the income of your parents. And then write down their outgoings each month for what they need.
>> not the OP’s knowledge or business

Show all this to her ...and make her understand how this is going to affect them.
>> not the OP’s business

But don't be nasty. Do it kindly and lovingly.
>> I’d dearly love to see how the OP’s sister or parents are going to view being having their finances dissected by a 3rd party, and told how wrong they, are as ‘kindly and lovingly’. I have to call utter unrealism on that.

I would also point this out to your parents.
>> what if they chose to pay for aspects of they wedding. They are after all adults! Maybe this is important to them.

Also i would tell her you love her. And that she is gorgeous ...and she doesn't need all that crap to be the best bride and have the best wedding. A lot of the time its a self esteem issue ..i have to have this etc. My friends have this ..if i dont have this ...i am nobody etc.

>> oh BLAH. You actually think that’s going to soften the blow of telling a sibling that your view is that you took their parents for a ride?? Or that they’re so very wrong re their wedding plans (which have already taken place, if I read the OP correctly)

See >> inserts to previous post for detailed responses.

Honestly, this post is living in complete La-la land. If the OP proceeds as you’ve described, he will definitely cause a rift with his sister. He may well offend his parents. He’s already said that he might not understand the dynamics of what payments are due/when, and negotiations on that. He’s already realised that sticking his beak in might not be possessed of all the facts. His best move is to keep his nose out of things that don’t concern him, but to keep a watchful eye if he feels that his parents are open to being taken advantage of. The OP lost any rights to comment on his sisters wedding as they didn’t do so before it. And those ‘rights’ were questionable to begin with.

ILoveYourVibes · 15-09-2020 5:30am

qwerty13 wrote: »

>> oh BLAH. You actually think that’s going to soften the blow of telling a sibling that your view is that you took their parents for a ride?? Or that they’re so very wrong re their wedding plans (which have already taken place, if I read the OP correctly)

.

that's not what i said. Not getting at YOU qwerty ..or the OP but ....

I said write out all the costs for the wedding ...write out all the income your parents have ...and their personal monthly costs ..basically show the sister their discretionary income.

If it causes a rift ...fine. Its better than the parents starving or endangering themselves ..

When you don't have the money. You don't have it.

You can't afford to walk on eggshells with people. She will have to be hurt.

Only rich people can afford to be so sensitive. That's my take.

The couple will have to take on more of the debt.

There is a rift /will be a rift. That's life.

The money isn't there. That is reality.

Her parents are to be her wage slaves for ten yrs? Get off it. I would WANT a rift with someone like that.

Addle · 15-09-2020 6:20am

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

The money isn't there. That is reality

Is it though?
The OP just thinks it isn’t, and he’s way over thinking this. He needs to stop begrudging his sister and get over it.

lucernarian · 15-09-2020 8:33am

Addle wrote: »

Is it though?
The OP just thinks it isn’t, and he’s way over thinking this. He needs to stop begrudging his sister and get over it.

It really doesn't seem like begrudgery. The OP probably knows better than you do as to the stress his parents experience with managing their finances on the regular.

listermint · 15-09-2020 8:40am

Idle Passerby wrote: »

I'm surprised that a pair of adults in this day and age expected mammy and daddy to pay for their wedding! I understand your anger but it sounds like your parents were equally to blame for the spiraling costs. They didn't want to look cheap in front of the in laws so spent more than they wanted. Sorry but more fool them. 1. For agreeing to pay for the wedding and 2. for not setting a budget.

Have to say this is a bit of a delusional outlook I've seen plenty of bizarre adults with this expectation. People voted for trump and Brexit people can be absolutely stupid adults or not.

listermint · 15-09-2020 8:43am

Danni21 wrote: »

OP i'm sorry but I really think there is more to this. To refer to the biggest day of your sisters life as "a few hours of silliness" is just a bit mean. I think you have jealousy and resentment towards her for other reasons. If she has been so kind and drama free, modest and considerate her entire life why are you so hateful that she has the biggest day of her life, a once off event, made so special. How do you know exactly your parents are struggling as a result of this? Did they say something? Have you seen their bank balance? Did you see the wedding bill?

It might not be the modern approach for parents to pay for weddings but it still does happen. Some families are still quite traditional in that sense. You said your parents are farmers who are modest, hard working etc. They sound quite traditional to me. How do you know they did not want 110% nothing more than to pay for their daughters wedding?

Is this sister younger or older? You mentioned the hassle it caused the bridesmaids were you a bridesmaid?

Your wedding was it Danni ? People blowing 40 grand of other people's money on 1 day of madness isn't smart it isn't sound and it won't stand to them in the long run either.

hayoc · 15-09-2020 9:17am

listermint wrote: »

Your wedding was it Danni ? People blowing 40 grand of other people's money on 1 day of madness isn't smart it isn't sound and it won't stand to them in the long run either.

Was it 40k? I didnt see the OP mention the amount.

Regardless, its between the sister and the parents and not the OPs business to get involved at all.

Im a little bamboozled that the OP is getting himself so upset over his sisters wedding at all.

LegacyUser · 15-09-2020 9:18am

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

that's not what i said. Not getting at YOU qwerty ..or the OP but ....

I said write out all the costs for the wedding ...write out all the income your parents have ...and their personal monthly costs ..basically show the sister their discretionary income.

If it causes a rift ...fine. Its better than the parents starving or endangering themselves ..

When you don't have the money. You don't have it.

You can't afford to walk on eggshells with people. She will have to be hurt.

Only rich people can afford to be so sensitive. That's my take.

The couple will have to take on more of the debt.

There is a rift /will be a rift. That's life.

The money isn't there. That is reality.

Her parents are to be her wage slaves for ten yrs? Get off it. I would WANT a rift with someone like that.

Firstly the wedding has already happened so it's a bit late to start counting pennies for it. Second the OP has stated the grooms family are more well off so they probably didn't see the cost of the wedding as excessive. The brides parents felt pressure to match their new in-laws in how much they were putting in to the wedding. Covid happened which added additional stress and expense. The OPs parents are adults, they chose how to spend their money, it's not up to the OP to lecture them on financial planning.

OP you say you are still anger over this...really ask yourself why..is it because you think you are not going to inherit much money now if your parents are in debt? Is it because you think your parents wouldn't spend the same amount on your wedding when it happens? Or do you fear your parents are going to get in difficult paying what they owe? Or is it you think your sister has changed as a person as a result of the actions of this wedding? It sounds like you are just angry and don't know where to focus said anger. Do you have other siblings maybe you can talk to? Maybe they have a different perspective on events to you

Anger at sister over wedding expenses

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