Anger at sister over wedding expenses

LegacyUser

Hi Everyone,

I'm looking for advice on how to process and deal with anger about a specific event. I've never had issues with anger in the past but for some reason I can't get over and move on from a recent event that left me deeply upset and angry. The event was my sisters wedding. The issue I have is that I cannot understand how my sister was so selfish and naive in organizing her wedding day.


We are a family of very modest means. Both of my parents are farmers and all through their life have worked tirelessly to make ends meet and live within our means. All of my siblings have inherited these traits, my sister included. Hard working, modest, and have no egos. For some reason, I feel like I barely know my own sister in the past 6 months. It is like she is living in sort of dreamland with the expense she is creating. 5 start wedding venue, props and chocolate fountains, vintage cars, florist, cake makers, make-up, hair, catering, free bar on the day, were all organised and expected that my parents would help covering the cost. I am absolutely gobsmacked by the costs created. It is totally out of character by her. The cost and stress created by the wedding will take 10 years of hard work to pay off for my parents and it kills me to look them in the eyes now as I can see that deep down they are also devastated by the cost of it all.

The whole organizing left me feeling angry and and upset. How could she be so silly and selfish?

My hope was that the wedding day would pass and so would my anger. The wedding day is now in the rear view mirror but I am still left feeling incredibly angry and betrayed by my sister.

Can anyone offer advice or thoughts on how I can rationalize what has happened in my head and move on. I know that life is too short to bear grudges and anger is not a healthy emotion to carry so I want to get to work processing it and moving on as soon as possible.


It all boils down to the cost and hassle it has caused all members of the family and bridesmaids. Nobody has addressed her directly as we are all running with the party line that "it is her big day".in that I feel toward my sister over the expense created by here recent wedding.

Airyfairy12

Why didnt your parents say no?

Your sister is to blame for her part, she expected too much but your parents are equally to blame for handing her whatever she wanted and not telling her how they felt.

StevenToast

I would be just as disgusted as you...

wirelessdude01

I thought the days of parents paying for weddings was long gone? Some money yes but certainly not an amount that leaves them paying it off for 10yrs.

My thinking is that if you are old enough to get married then you pay for it yourself. If you have a limited budget then you cut your cloth to measure.

What a selfish person your sister is.

Smee_Again

It’s not really any of your business, it’s between your sister and your parents.

You can of course offer advice and counsel to both but ultimately it’s between them.

The fact that the wedding is in the past, physically speaking if not financially, means that you’d be best to move on

Addle

I don’t think it’s any of your business either.
What’s agreed between your parents and sister is between them, and your parents have to live with the consequences of their decisions.
Your anger/resentment is a bit ott?
Are you married yourself? Have your folks ever gifted you money? Paid for education or other expenses?
Are you jealous of your sister?

I think wedding expenses in general are ridiculous btw.

JustAThought

Do you mind me asking what types of aums are involved and what is your sisters and new husbands occupations/financial prospects?

I can’t imagine any father wanting a showdown on his daughters wedding costs, nor parents to have to say No that puts us under too much pressure or you can’t have it.

If you are angry at your parents being left short or them having to do without for her, can you give them a cash ‘donation’ towards her wedding costs or take out a loan that you can spread to
give to them? At least it will resolve their issues and not leave them short or struggling - even if you have to pay for it yourself and absorb some of your sisters selfishness and fecklessness.

Saving this, after a period of time after the wedding has passed ( a few months) can you say to your sister that her spending has put your parents who adore her under huge financial pressure and can SHE not quietly take out a loan to pay back her parents or defer some of the costs as it hrdly seems fair that your elderly parents struggle and do without when she has ( two salaries/an income/ a part/“-time job etc) Many couples can get cash gifts at weddings - perhaps she did - perhaps she could consider fifting some of this to her parents to offset the costs which ‘got out of hand’ ...


Women lose the plot spending ar weddings - I do not understand it. I know a few people who occasionally put their head in their hands and moan about the absolute gluttony of spending and sheet waste of it all on ‘just one day’ but I know others who would do it all the same again and more if they could.

Have you more sisters yet to be married? If not thank your blessings. I’d say your best bet is an oblique approach with a backup of the money ready to gift to them - you could claim you had it saved for a rainy day or kept all your overtime etc.

its awful the pressures people put themselves others under for ‘ one day. I have a relation that borrowed 25,000 and was in debt for 4 years paying it off - and to this day her husband wont speak to me because at the time I had lost my job in the recession and couldn’t justify or afford to go!!!

madness.

LegacyUser

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

Why didnt your parents say no?

Your sister is to blame for her part, she expected too much but your parents are equally to blame for handing her whatever she wanted and not telling her how they felt.

I have been reluctant to place any blame on my parents as they are quite traditional and this was the first wedding in the family so I think they did not have any experience and did not want to appear supportive. Another thing I should have mentioned was that the grooms parents would be considerably more wealthy than us and I think my parents felt that they would not be keeping up their side of the bargain if they did not play their part.

I have to stress how out of character this is by my sister too. It seemed to spiral out of control since lockdown and it was like she was on a mission against the world since the restrictions came in place and was out to somehow prove the world that she could still do it. What she was trying to prove, I have no idea.

LegacyUser

Smee_Again wrote: »

It’s not really any of your business, it’s between your sister and your parents.

You can of course offer advice and counsel to both but ultimately it’s between them.

The fact that the wedding is in the past, physically speaking if not financially, means that you’d be best to move on

100% agree that my only option is to move on but for some reason it keeps playing on my mind and boiling up. My motto with anything in the past is that "the show goes on" but for some reason, this keeps bubbling up in me

LegacyUser

It had crossed my mind that the anger I was feeling was really jealousy but I don't think it is.

I just feel betrayed that my sister has gone on a solo run and feel that she has let the team down. I'm 28 and since 18 I have made it a point of pride that I never have asked anything of my parents. It is the same with my other sister. I felt it was an unwritten rule that we were all living by. She is 31 and asked my parents to cover the free bar on the day and other expenses. She also ordered both of them to spend big money on expensive outfits on the day.

I like the suggestion of me paying for some of the cost incurred. I would be happy to pay 5k if it helped them shoulder the burden and also (perhaps selfishly) help me to process some of the guilt and anger that I feel about the whole situation.

I know that with the benefit of hindsight my parents would approach it differently. I think the circumstances created a domino effect. First wedding in the family, then wedding dates having to be rearranged and guest lists cut, and my sister snowballing the costs upward since March happened.

The advice offered has been very useful. I will try to make a list of every action I can take from this point forward to alleviate what has been done and make peace with it all.

antix80

I don't know why you're so concerned. It's your parent's money and after this her husband will be picking up the tab for her extravagances.

Dtp1979

If your parents had any sense they would’ve said to their kids that if any of you get married, they will contribute a fixed price, eg, 5k or whatever. The same for all their children. Then your sister can go and get her chariot drawn by 16 white stallions at her own expense.

Hannibal_Smith

Have your parents complained about it? Maybe they're more than happy to give their daughter what they could? Maybe your sister and her husband made contributions that you don't know about. Maybe they sat back on the wedding day and were proud of what they were able to provide to make it a good day?

Maybe talk to your parents and check in with them that they're doing OK after it all.

eviltwin

Your sister and her husband both come across as very selfish and egotistic but your parents did make a choice to give them that money. If they are regretting it now, that's on them. They wouldn't be the first parents to get carried away with the first family wedding.

I can appreciate you are angry on their behalf especially if they have said anything to you about it but its not you they should be saying it to. If you feel its something you can do maybe you can encourage your parents to say something but given that the wedding is over they can't really do very much now. Its an expensive lesson they have learned but maybe they needed it.

JustAThought

Dtp1979 wrote: »

If your parents had any sense they would’ve said to their kids that if any of you get married, they will contribute a fixed price, eg, 5k or whatever. The same for all their children. Then your sister can go and get her chariot drawn by 16 white stallions at her own expense.

!!! You’d be surprised! I have been in the room with a friends sister - twice - girls I din’t really know - when they tried using having a witness/ guest to blackmail their oarents into giving them something they wanted for their wedding and was mirtified out of the room by their utter selfishness and shamelessness over trying to manipulate and emotionally blackmail them into it - you know - Don’t you think JustAThought that its selfish to expect someone to tracel to Y for a wedding and not have a free bar - Daddy won’t pay for one for my wedding’ ...in front of him. Mortifying. I’ve also hd a female cousin refuse to speak to her ( loaded) father as he refused to rent out Ashfird Castle or Luttlerstown for 200 people for a wedding for her (mostly strangers) guests . I don’t kniw where girls think this money comes from or why they think asking someone to drop the deposit for a second house on a day long party is acceptable or feasible.

As regards the OP I think the gift to your parents to defer their costs is a good solution - say you want to make a contribution towards their costs of the wedding but make it clear it is to offset their costs and is not to be gifted to her as a housewarming/ home starter kit!

weldoninhio

You sound jealous that your sister got her dream day.

noodler

How much was it they gave OP?

mrsdewinter

Before you gift money to your parents, think long and hard. If you have the money to spare and you genuinely wouldn't miss it, go ahead. But imagine a scenario where you've borrowed the cash and are still paying it off 18 months from now. Or you find yourself in a position where you really need the sum you gave to your parents. Are you sure you wouldn't experience this anger all over again?
I do feel for you, OP. It must have been horrible to watch this car crash play out within the family.
The only thing I'd say is, you may not know your parents' full financial situation - maybe they've been putting a few euro away for years now, maybe they have a similar sum set aside for you and your plans.
Do you feel you could discuss this with them? It reads like you are worried for them, not jealous of your sister or the treatment she got. Perhaps if you had more information, it might take some of the pain out of your anger?

Teach30

We are really only hearing one side here. You might feel it was an extravagant day but to your sister it may not have been. Just because it wasn’t to your taste and you wouldn’t spend that much money it shouldn’t bother you.

If you parents had any sense they would have put a stop to the expenses but I understand how easily it could have spiralled. By the sounds of it she fell into the wedding trap of all the needless extras but at the same time it was her day to enjoy them not yours. Also Perhaps this was your parents way of giving your sister her inheritance. I know mine would pay for wedding if I want them to but I would prefer the inheritance money for other things. Might be worth discussing this with them especially if you would prefer not to go down the traditional route.

Hoboo

If your parents are of sound mind and weren't bullied into paying so much, then it's none of your business what your parents give to your sister. Time to suck it up, it's not your day.

Funny how the biggest arguments in families is almost always over money.

JustAThought

Hoboo wrote: »

If your parents are of sound mind and weren't bullied into paying so much, then it's none of your business what your parents give to your sister. Time to suck it up, it's not your day.

Funny how the biggest arguments in families is almost always over money.

I think its more about how she treated them with her demands and has put them under financial pressure as a consequence of her spending. Its more about them, than her.

bobbyy gee

have you talked to your parents.about the situation bring in your sister and have family.meeting

eviltwin

bobbyy gee wrote: »

have you talked to your parents.about the situation bring in your sister and have family.meeting

Why would they need to have a family meeting Its nothing to do with the OP.

Pistachio19

Your parents were well within their rights to say no to your sisters ridiculous demands but they chose to give her money. There's no way in hell I would be giving them money to make up for your sisters selfish, grabby behaviour. Its not your responsibility to cover her wedding costs, in the same way it wasn't your parents. Don't get sucked in like they did. Surely she knows your parents financial position. If your parents are now under financial strain and have voiced that to you, then I'd have no hesitation in telling your sister that she needs to pay that money back.

Addle

Are you sure you have an accurate picture of what’s gone on?
Parents don’t always tell everyone in their family the same story... you might be surprised at how much they have, or what was actually expected of them.
Maybe they don’t want to set a precedent.
I still think you’re taking it far too personally. You’re making it your problem and it’s really none of your business.
You could cause lifelong friction over this.

Faith

I also wonder if you have the full picture, OP. If the wedding went ahead recently, did they cut the guest list down significantly? Either they had always planned a very small wedding, or had to cut lots of their guest list and reduced costs that way. An open bar for less than 50 people that ends by 11:30 is a vastly different proposition to an open bar for 200 guests that could go on all night.

Or is it the case that the wedding took place prior to lockdown? If so, and you’re holding onto this anger so tightly more than 6 months later, then I’d be tending towards suggesting you speak to a professional to work through whatever this has brought up in you, as it can’t be good for you to be living with this much resentment.

Edit: I re-read your posts and see the wedding was post-March. So then the question reverts to, do you have the full picture? It’s entirely possible your parents had contributed X amount which had already been paid to the hotel for Y number of guests. Perhaps the hotel wouldn’t refund it, but offered a compromise of an open bar and lots of extra instead?

It seems like you’re projecting a lot and filling in blanks incorrectly. Do you know what the actual costs incurred by your parents were? What the difference was between expected costs and actual costs given Covid? Do you know if they perhaps had saved up a sum of money to contribute to your sisters wedding over the years?

Unless you know for an absolute fact (I.e. a parent telling you explicitly that they were financially hurt by the wedding), then I think you need to be careful making assumptions because you could end up making a lot of waves and coming off as the bad guy.

cannotlogin

I wouldn't be impressed by your sister's behaviour either but it was your parents choice and to be honest, none of your business.

Give your parents money if you want but I suspect that this will lead to you resenting your sister even more as you'll feel you contributed to her wedding as a result.

Idle Passerby

I'm surprised that a pair of adults in this day and age expected mammy and daddy to pay for their wedding! I understand your anger but it sounds like your parents were equally to blame for the spiraling costs. They didn't want to look cheap in front of the in laws so spent more than they wanted. Sorry but more fool them. 1. For agreeing to pay for the wedding and 2. for not setting a budget.

Purple Mountain

I can't believe you're seriously thinking of giving money towards covering your sister's wedding.
It's none of your business what the wedding cost and none of your business what your parents contributed unless they were bullied into doing so by your sister or brother in law.
Your parents might even be insulted if you came out of the blue with a wad of cash for something that has no bearing on you whatsoever.

Ellie2008

In your view there was an unspoken agreement that you & your siblings act in certain way towards your parents that your sister broke. However, your parents are consenting adults, they may not have wanted to have difficult conversations with your sister but they didn’t & they have to live with the consequences of that. Ideally your sister would not have created the situation but she did & they chose to go along with it.

I don’t want to comment on whether or not to give your parents money that’s up to you. I would encourage you to let the anger go. If your sister lost the run of herself planning her wedding she wouldn’t be the first. Anger is such a toxic emotion. This is one episode of your life with your sister.

LegacyUser

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

Why didnt your parents say no?

Your sister is to blame for her part, she expected too much but your parents are equally to blame for handing her whatever she wanted and not telling her how they felt.

Excellent point!

HildaOgdenx

Agree with pp. It's really nothing to do with you.

You mention that the guest list was cut down, when it was rescheduled. So presumably it cost less than it was to, originally.

In the nicest possible way, OP, you need to let it go.
I don't see how you contributing money, would help. If anything I would think that would make you resent your sister more.

SusieBlue

While I can understand your anger and think it’s quite justified, your opportunity to say something has passed.
You really should have raised the issue prior to the wedding.

Some might say it’s not your business and I suppose it isn’t, but at the same time no one would like to see their parents being taken advantage of.
The worst that could have happened would have been told to mind your own business, and at best maybe it would have started a conversation where your parents could vocalise any financial concerns they had.
It really does depend on the family dynamic though, cause I know in mine someone would have passed comment straight away if a sibling was making demands like that.

All you can do now is make peace with it and speak up about your concerns if it ever happens again.

Airyfairy12

Advice321 wrote: »

I have been reluctant to place any blame on my parents as they are quite traditional and this was the first wedding in the family so I think they did not have any experience and did not want to appear supportive. Another thing I should have mentioned was that the grooms parents would be considerably more wealthy than us and I think my parents felt that they would not be keeping up their side of the bargain if they did not play their part.

I have to stress how out of character this is by my sister too. It seemed to spiral out of control since lockdown and it was like she was on a mission against the world since the restrictions came in place and was out to somehow prove the world that she could still do it. What she was trying to prove, I have no idea.

Could she have felt under pressure from her partner and his family to have an extravagant wedding?
Even so, as mention in other posts it's not very common anymore for parents to foot the wedding bill unless they are wealthy or in your parents case, decide to spend the money. It was their choice when it comes down to it, again your sister was very wrong for her part but your parents are not victims and are to blame also. If it was out of their budget, they should not have agreed to it.
What I think is the worst part about this is how no one said anything to your sister before the wedding, you all just went along with what she wanted while secretly seething with anger, now it's in the past you are holding it over your sister, ready to explode at any time. You didnt say anything at the time, it's too late now you might aswell just move on.

Antares35

Up to your parents to say no. My parents treat my pr*ck of a brother like a saint, even though he's spoiled, selfish and has never done a thing for them. I've spent years trying to manage my anger and frustration, and eventually had to realise that parents are people too and can make their own stupid mistakes if they want. Although you might see the "devastation in their eyes" at the end of the day, most people do what they want, and are where they want to be, parents included.

LegacyUser

Faith wrote: »

I also wonder if you have the full picture, OP. If the wedding went ahead recently, did they cut the guest list down significantly? Either they had always planned a very small wedding, or had to cut lots of their guest list and reduced costs that way. An open bar for less than 50 people that ends by 11:30 is a vastly different proposition to an open bar for 200 guests that could go on all night.

Or is it the case that the wedding took place prior to lockdown? If so, and you’re holding onto this anger so tightly more than 6 months later, then I’d be tending towards suggesting you speak to a professional to work through whatever this has brought up in you, as it can’t be good for you to be living with this much resentment.

Edit: I re-read your posts and see the wedding was post-March. So then the question reverts to, do you have the full picture? It’s entirely possible your parents had contributed X amount which had already been paid to the hotel for Y number of guests. Perhaps the hotel wouldn’t refund it, but offered a compromise of an open bar and lots of extra instead?


It seems like you’re projecting a lot and filling in blanks incorrectly. Do you know what the actual costs incurred by your parents were? What the difference was between expected costs and actual costs given Covid? Do you know if they perhaps had saved up a sum of money to contribute to your sisters wedding over the years?

Unless you know for an absolute fact (I.e. a parent telling you explicitly that they were financially hurt by the wedding), then I think you need to be careful making assumptions because you could end up making a lot of waves and coming off as the bad guy.

Thanks Faith, A lot of food for thought in the above post. The wedding was in the past week so it is still very fresh in my mind.

It is true that I do not know the exact details of the expenses incurred and I am very open to suggestion that I am taking a single/tunnel vision look at what has happened. I have been trying to zoom out and see the big picture. This wedding expense is nothing new in the grand scheme. Every week, someone could post a similar story to what I have told. I just thought my sister would behave differently. In every other aspect of her life, she has been so thoughtful, considerate, and never attracted any drama. I thought the rebooking of the date and scaling down of the guest list was the perfect opportunity for her to see the light and for common sense to prevail but she went ahead and seemed to think that overcompensating by throwing more money at it was the way to go.

The wedding won't leave my parents broke but it is the fact that they work so damn hard to earn the money and to see it blown on a few hours of sillyness kills me. I could easily see how €5k could have been avoided on the day with absolutely no compromise on the enjoyment of the day for my sister, family, or any of the guests.

I had thought about holding a clear the air meeting but ultimately that would be me acting selfishly and looking to get stuff off my chest. The wedding is done and over with and all I would be doing is driving a wedge between us.

LegacyUser

Advice321 wrote: »

Another thing I should have mentioned was that the grooms parents would be considerably more wealthy than us and I think my parents felt that they would not be keeping up their side of the bargain if they did not play their part.

So it wasn't 100% your sister but also wanting to keep up appearances situation with the new in-laws?

You say its out of character for your sister and you don't mention the groom and how much influence he had in this. The assumption is always that women push the cost of weddings but if his family is more well off he might not have seen it as excessive wedding and your sister got caught up in things. Is he the first in his family to get married? Maybe they wanted to go all out or maybe they've had loads of weddings and they've all been excessive. Honestly OP if your parents are suffering badly financially over this they should talk to the couple in question but its their issue not yours.

freshpopcorn

The only thing I do know in my experience is some parents do pay for there kids weddings. However they've generally planned for this over the years if they've that traditional view about things and they want to do it.
They'd nearly be embarrassed to have it any other way.

Faith

Advice321 wrote: »

Thanks Faith, A lot of food for thought in the above post. The wedding was in the past week so it is still very fresh in my mind.

I commend you for being reflective about this!

Thinking back to my wedding, there was a minimum guest number and we had to pay in instalments, some several months in advance. We fell below the minimum number but still had to pay for the guests that weren't there. Had we had more time (several last-minute cancellations), I'm sure we could have bargained with the hotel to put the extra money towards something else.

Say your sister invited 150 people at €100 a head, and was required to pay 50% 6 months prior to the day. She/your parents may have paid the hotel €7,500 prior to lockdown, with €7,500 owing. And/or say the hotel had a minimum guest number of 80 that they wouldn't compromise on, but restrictions meant she could only invite ~45 people. She/your parents would have been required to pay €8,000 to cover a bill of €4,500. The hotel may well have said "We won't give you back your money, but we'll put the extra €3,500 on a bar tab and throw in a chocolate fountain too".

That may look, from the outside, like your sister demanded a free bar, but may have been an alternative to your parents losing a lot of money.

Secondly, florists, hair and make-up artists - they're standard for most weddings. It's likely they were booked ages ago and, again, your sister A) is reasonable to keep those expenses, and may well have lost money if she didn't have them on the day.

Cars and cakes are more optional but most people wouldn't see them as unreasonable wedding expenses.

TBH, it sounds more like you don't understand the costs of a typical wedding than your sister was insanely unreasonable and demanding. May I ask if you're male or female, and if you're married/near marriage yourself?

Finally, although it's not expected any more, many families (particularly, I find, rural families) will have saved over the years to pay for/contribute to the cost of their children's weddings. Your parents may have always planned to give her (and possibly each of you) X amount towards a wedding. There was almost certainly a conversation that you weren't party to where it was discussed how much your parents would be financially involved, and if you get married, you may find your parents offer you money towards it too.

I just thought my sister would behave differently. In every other aspect of her life, she has been so thoughtful, considerate, and never attracted any drama. I thought the rebooking of the date and scaling down of the guest list was the perfect opportunity for her to see the light and for common sense to prevail but she went ahead

Overall, it sounds like you had a set idea of how your sister "should" behave, and you're disappointed in her for not living up to your imagined standard. It sounds like you'd only have been happy if she had the wedding you wanted, rather than you being happy for her that she had the wedding she wanted.

How would you feel if the tables were turned? If you chose to have a small, modest wedding and your sister was furious at you because you didn't have a big, extravagant one, for example?

Danni21

OP i'm sorry but I really think there is more to this. To refer to the biggest day of your sisters life as "a few hours of silliness" is just a bit mean. I think you have jealousy and resentment towards her for other reasons. If she has been so kind and drama free, modest and considerate her entire life why are you so hateful that she has the biggest day of her life, a once off event, made so special. How do you know exactly your parents are struggling as a result of this? Did they say something? Have you seen their bank balance? Did you see the wedding bill?

It might not be the modern approach for parents to pay for weddings but it still does happen. Some families are still quite traditional in that sense. You said your parents are farmers who are modest, hard working etc. They sound quite traditional to me. How do you know they did not want 110% nothing more than to pay for their daughters wedding?

Is this sister younger or older? You mentioned the hassle it caused the bridesmaids were you a bridesmaid?

Xterminator

OP

in my honest opinion you are the one who has a problem here.

there is no reason your sister cannot ask you parents to help pay for the wedding. Doesn't matter whether or not it is something you would do. They are her parents too.

There is nothing stopping your parents from putting a cap on how much they can help, if at all. If they are not able to afford more than figure X then it is up to them, as competent adults to say so. It is not u to you to decide how they can spend the money they saved up.

If you sister wants a fancy reception and can afford it, then good on her. Its not everyones cup of tea, but why you think you get to decide what is 'enough' or what is over the one , i cannot fathom.

I think you love your sister and your parents, but this whole things has triggered something in your psyche that has dragged up these feelings of resentment. It is not your role to be the arbiter of what is right and wrong in your family's decisions. What is right for one person is wrong to another and vice versa. What is overly extravagant to you , may not be so to your parents or your sister.

Im sure you won't spoil things for your sister, on her big dy. But it is important you do not allow your feelings to affect your relationship with family. It can be a poison, so don't let it.

shesty

I think OP that the bigger issue here is that your sister did something that you wouldn't do, that she hasn't done before, and that you assumed she would never do - you assumed she thought like you and that it would always be that way.


Unfortunately that is not the case. As you get older and your siblings get into relationships, you find yourself biting your tongue a lot. They do things that leave you thinking...what??? You wonder did you ever know this person, if they would turn around and do or think something like this.


Your sister is now in a couple and her other half will have influence over her. I am not saying this is right or wrong, or what she did is right or wrong, or even that it was his fault,but I really do not think you should say anything here. You stand to lose no matter what, if I am honest. Some things just cannot be unsaid, and weddings can be extremely touchy subjects in families.


Your parents are adults, and this is between them and your sister. Really, they have created a silly situation now where they will have to think long and hard about how they approach any future weddings. If the time comes for you to get married and you are having the money conversation with them, then I think at that point you could say quietly you felt your sister went a bit over the top and you are prepared to only let them contribute X amount to yours. But right now is not the time or place for that.



I think this is something you probably need to come to terms with - there is a strong enough likelihood that your sister might have kids in the future at some point and you will have this feeling again over certain things she does or says with regard to the kids. But it is a case of biting your tongue, and learning how to just back off. Relationships in families change as you get older, especially when each sibling gains a family of their own, and (within reason) if you want to maintain good relationships then learning to keep your opinions to yourself is unfortunately a part of it.



In this situation, the arrangement was between your sister and your parents. All are adults, all were absolutely capable of sitting down and working out an alternate arrangement - or any arrangement - but mainly now....it is over. Maybe your parents have learned something from it, and hopefully your sister will continue with her life without making such an ask again. But realistically, you just don't really feature in the middle of that picture. As regards your own anger about it, it is something that you might try to put to rest yourself, or maybe talk to someone about if it is getting to you that much. Organising family meetings, or passing comments about bills is just not the answer though.

Feets

I feel you have not gotten over it as you are directing your anger at the wrong person. You sound confused by how it was all let happen. Its your parents you are angry at for not saying no. They allowed it all.

LegacyUser

Faith wrote: »

I commend you for being reflective about this!

Thinking back to my wedding, there was a minimum guest number and we had to pay in instalments, some several months in advance. We fell below the minimum number but still had to pay for the guests that weren't there. Had we had more time (several last-minute cancellations), I'm sure we could have bargained with the hotel to put the extra money towards something else.

Say your sister invited 150 people at €100 a head, and was required to pay 50% 6 months prior to the day. She/your parents may have paid the hotel €7,500 prior to lockdown, with €7,500 owing. And/or say the hotel had a minimum guest number of 80 that they wouldn't compromise on, but restrictions meant she could only invite ~45 people. She/your parents would have been required to pay €8,000 to cover a bill of €4,500. The hotel may well have said "We won't give you back your money, but we'll put the extra €3,500 on a bar tab and throw in a chocolate fountain too".

That may look, from the outside, like your sister demanded a free bar, but may have been an alternative to your parents losing a lot of money.

Secondly, florists, hair and make-up artists - they're standard for most weddings. It's likely they were booked ages ago and, again, your sister A) is reasonable to keep those expenses, and may well have lost money if she didn't have them on the day.

Cars and cakes are more optional but most people wouldn't see them as unreasonable wedding expenses.

TBH, it sounds more like you don't understand the costs of a typical wedding than your sister was insanely unreasonable and demanding. May I ask if you're male or female, and if you're married/near marriage yourself?

Finally, although it's not expected any more, many families (particularly, I find, rural families) will have saved over the years to pay for/contribute to the cost of their children's weddings. Your parents may have always planned to give her (and possibly each of you) X amount towards a wedding. There was almost certainly a conversation that you weren't party to where it was discussed how much your parents would be financially involved, and if you get married, you may find your parents offer you money towards it too.



Overall, it sounds like you had a set idea of how your sister "should" behave, and you're disappointed in her for not living up to your imagined standard. It sounds like you'd only have been happy if she had the wedding you wanted, rather than you being happy for her that she had the wedding she wanted.

How would you feel if the tables were turned? If you chose to have a small, modest wedding and your sister was furious at you because you didn't have a big, extravagant one, for example?

OP here - Wow, This is extremely helpful. It has been a real eye-opener for me. I'm male, 28, single and have only been to 4-5 previous weddings. I 100% agree that I was projecting my views/standards on what a wedding should be.

This is exactly the type of advice and insight I was hoping to get from this thread. I want to see it from another angle as I know there is something that I am missing. I'm not looking for my views to be reconfirmed. I want to have them challenged and diluted.

Perhaps the expenses are all part of what a wedding is and I am the one who is being naive. I am a big believer in the placebo effect so this line of thinking may be most beneficial to me in the long run, rather than my initial thoughts on it.

Thanks again Faith, some much needed perspective offered!

LegacyUser

Danni21 wrote: »

OP i'm sorry but I really think there is more to this. To refer to the biggest day of your sisters life as "a few hours of silliness" is just a bit mean. I think you have jealousy and resentment towards her for other reasons. If she has been so kind and drama free, modest and considerate her entire life why are you so hateful that she has the biggest day of her life, a once off event, made so special. How do you know exactly your parents are struggling as a result of this? Did they say something? Have you seen their bank balance? Did you see the wedding bill?

It might not be the modern approach for parents to pay for weddings but it still does happen. Some families are still quite traditional in that sense. You said your parents are farmers who are modest, hard working etc. They sound quite traditional to me. How do you know they did not want 110% nothing more than to pay for their daughters wedding?

Is this sister younger or older? You mentioned the hassle it caused the bridesmaids were you a bridesmaid?

OP here - I am 100% open to any suggestions that I am being unreasonable or narrow minded on this. My hope with posting is to figure out what my blind spots are.

Maybe there is an element of resentment somewhere in my thinking but I really don't think it is the main reason. I am not saying that my sister should have had a stingey wedding in the local Supermacs but a 5 star country house is not what we were brought up on either. It just seemed to me that the day could have been as special, without the need for all of the expense and stress created for my parents.

I think the most beneficial line of thinking I can use is that my way of thinking is just my opinion. I have to respect and appreciate the opinions of others equally.

Ellie2008

OP I don’t know what to make of the fact that you considered organising a family meeting to clear the air about something that’s between your sister & your parents. 1) it’s none of your business, as others have pointed out they are your sister’s parents as much as they are yours, 2) the day has passed the deed is done. For your own sake don’t create bad feeling about your sister’s big day, your sister may not forgive you for it & your motivations for doing so may be questioned.

You are not the head of the family, if your sister breached your standards that’s your issue. Your anger is also your issue. If you find anger is impacting your quality of life maybe talk it through with a counsellor.

bitofabind

Advice321 wrote: »

Every week, someone could post a similar story to what I have told. I just thought my sister would behave differently. In every other aspect of her life, she has been so thoughtful, considerate, and never attracted any drama.

Family dynamics are interesting things. Someone else pointed it out, but if your sister is usually such a decent skin, why would you begrudge her a bit of lavishness on the biggest day of her life, when your parents don't seem to have directly expressed that this was a problem for them?

And is it also their view that this was a "day of silliness"? The first family wedding of one of their children, I'd highly doubt that. A lot of the features of this wedding in your laundry list are fairly bog-standard for an Irish wedding. I don't get the chocolate fountains and vintage cars either, but they're a standard part of the package these days. Nothing exceptional there.

It's worth interrogating your own feelings about this a bit more before saying or doing something you'll live to regret. Is there a bit of sibling rivalry in this resentment and anger you feel? There's nothing wrong with that. I have an extremely molly-coddled younger sister and a special needs older sister, sometimes I've gotten lost in the mix of that. Any "family meetings" I'd have held about the younger one getting my parents to throw thousands at one of her latest causes, would almost certainly have alienated me to the point of being labelled "jealous", so I learned to treat my parents as adults with their own power of choice and compartmentalise it a long time ago. It's worth thinking about whether you need to create the same emotional distance for yourself.

shesty

Ah.

OP I completely understand this is ridiculous for me to say, but seeing as you have just said you are a 28 year old male, I actually do get it now.

At risk of huge generalisation (I am aware I am making one) I am glad you found Faith's post an eye opener, as many men do not have a notion of wedding costs until they are getting married themselves.It is just not something they need to consider for the most part.

Sure, not all the bells and trimmings are a necessity but weddings do not come cheap for your "typical" wedding.

The rest is between your parents and sister and I suggest you leave it there.

freshpopcorn

OP, have your parents actually complained about this?

I'd know people who paid for their daughter's wedding. They wanted to do it.
Some may have taken out a Credit Union loan.
Some had money saved.
Others(Farmers) may have sold a site, etc to pay for the day.
Then I know families and they simply couldn't entertain the idea. They might scrap the money for the dress.

How are you going to feel OP if your parents help your siblings out with houses, give them sites or with other family weddings in the future?(Some families are into this thing)
That's a reason why they have been careful with there money over the years.

Weddings are rather expensive and they are lot's of things us men would't see as necessary but they'd be essentially for some.

qwerty13

Even if your parents found it rough going financially, they might be hurt by you suggesting that they shouldn’t (or couldn’t have afforded to) have done so. I totally get that you’re trying to look out for them, but you might not have all the facts - and they are grown adults!

It sounds like you’ve taken lots of advice here on board, so hopefully you can just let the matter go. I do get where you’re coming from, but I don’t think it’s appropriate for you to stick your opinion in here.

lucernarian

I think OP can at least talk to the parents in a calm way without drama, and see what the lie of the land is. Through calm talking, there can be more understanding. Like asking if they are struggling at all or even simply offering to contribute money as a gift on his behalf etc.

I also think those suggesting counselling for the OP... Really? Feelings of anger are not necessarily pathological? Even when the person clearly struggles with the reason for the anger, it's probably quite healthy to see it as such and to talk about it in a neutral venue like here. The OP has acknowledged it's festering and there's a tone of judgement in replies which criticise him directly because of that openness.

My own take: there's probably more to this, as if the relationship was previously rock-solid and close then probably he would have talked to his sister long ago in a non-confrontational manner and would have known what the wedding involved, well in advance too. If it was actually strong, getting the opinions of his sister would make sense. If it wasn't, then it's probably time to move on and make peace with it.