Anger at sister over wedding expenses

ILoveYourVibes · 15-09-2020 3:41am

Wow this is like the 1850's!

I really thought couples just paid for their own weddings now.

Tell your sister. Its not worth it.

I would be happy to pay 5k if it helped them shoulder the burden and also (perhaps selfishly) help me to process some of the guilt and anger that I feel about the whole situation.

The average cost of a wedding in Ireland is ....25K...Which seems crazy to me.

Why people get married in this day and age I don't know. Anyway ...that's not going to help you.

I would sit down write down everything and the costs. And then write down the income of your parents. And then write down their outgoings each month for what they need.

Show all this to her ...and make her understand how this is going to affect them.

But don't be nasty. Do it kindly and lovingly.

I would also point this out to your parents.

Also i would tell her you love her. And that she is gorgeous ...and she doesn't need all that crap to be the best bride and have the best wedding. A lot of the time its a self esteem issue ..i have to have this etc. My friends have this ..if i dont have this ...i am nobody etc.

bobbyy gee · 15-09-2020 3:43am

i would not talk to her for the rest of your life

qwerty13 · 15-09-2020 5:10am

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

Wow this is like the 1850's!

I really thought couples just paid for their own weddings now.

Tell your sister. Its not worth it.

The average cost of a wedding in Ireland is ....25K...Which seems crazy to me.

Why people get married in this day and age I don't know. Anyway ...that's not going to help you.
>> there’s a lot of legal protections ordered by being married, especially re inheritance and kids, and next of kin rights.

I would sit down write down everything and the costs. And then write down the income of your parents. And then write down their outgoings each month for what they need.
>> not the OP’s knowledge or business

Show all this to her ...and make her understand how this is going to affect them.
>> not the OP’s business

But don't be nasty. Do it kindly and lovingly.
>> I’d dearly love to see how the OP’s sister or parents are going to view being having their finances dissected by a 3rd party, and told how wrong they, are as ‘kindly and lovingly’. I have to call utter unrealism on that.

I would also point this out to your parents.
>> what if they chose to pay for aspects of they wedding. They are after all adults! Maybe this is important to them.

Also i would tell her you love her. And that she is gorgeous ...and she doesn't need all that crap to be the best bride and have the best wedding. A lot of the time its a self esteem issue ..i have to have this etc. My friends have this ..if i dont have this ...i am nobody etc.

>> oh BLAH. You actually think that’s going to soften the blow of telling a sibling that your view is that you took their parents for a ride?? Or that they’re so very wrong re their wedding plans (which have already taken place, if I read the OP correctly)

See >> inserts to previous post for detailed responses.

Honestly, this post is living in complete La-la land. If the OP proceeds as you’ve described, he will definitely cause a rift with his sister. He may well offend his parents. He’s already said that he might not understand the dynamics of what payments are due/when, and negotiations on that. He’s already realised that sticking his beak in might not be possessed of all the facts. His best move is to keep his nose out of things that don’t concern him, but to keep a watchful eye if he feels that his parents are open to being taken advantage of. The OP lost any rights to comment on his sisters wedding as they didn’t do so before it. And those ‘rights’ were questionable to begin with.

ILoveYourVibes · 15-09-2020 5:30am

qwerty13 wrote: »

>> oh BLAH. You actually think that’s going to soften the blow of telling a sibling that your view is that you took their parents for a ride?? Or that they’re so very wrong re their wedding plans (which have already taken place, if I read the OP correctly)

.

that's not what i said. Not getting at YOU qwerty ..or the OP but ....

I said write out all the costs for the wedding ...write out all the income your parents have ...and their personal monthly costs ..basically show the sister their discretionary income.

If it causes a rift ...fine. Its better than the parents starving or endangering themselves ..

When you don't have the money. You don't have it.

You can't afford to walk on eggshells with people. She will have to be hurt.

Only rich people can afford to be so sensitive. That's my take.

The couple will have to take on more of the debt.

There is a rift /will be a rift. That's life.

The money isn't there. That is reality.

Her parents are to be her wage slaves for ten yrs? Get off it. I would WANT a rift with someone like that.

Addle · 15-09-2020 6:20am

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

The money isn't there. That is reality

Is it though?
The OP just thinks it isn’t, and he’s way over thinking this. He needs to stop begrudging his sister and get over it.

lucernarian · 15-09-2020 8:33am

Addle wrote: »

Is it though?
The OP just thinks it isn’t, and he’s way over thinking this. He needs to stop begrudging his sister and get over it.

It really doesn't seem like begrudgery. The OP probably knows better than you do as to the stress his parents experience with managing their finances on the regular.

listermint · 15-09-2020 8:40am

Idle Passerby wrote: »

I'm surprised that a pair of adults in this day and age expected mammy and daddy to pay for their wedding! I understand your anger but it sounds like your parents were equally to blame for the spiraling costs. They didn't want to look cheap in front of the in laws so spent more than they wanted. Sorry but more fool them. 1. For agreeing to pay for the wedding and 2. for not setting a budget.

Have to say this is a bit of a delusional outlook I've seen plenty of bizarre adults with this expectation. People voted for trump and Brexit people can be absolutely stupid adults or not.

listermint · 15-09-2020 8:43am

Danni21 wrote: »

OP i'm sorry but I really think there is more to this. To refer to the biggest day of your sisters life as "a few hours of silliness" is just a bit mean. I think you have jealousy and resentment towards her for other reasons. If she has been so kind and drama free, modest and considerate her entire life why are you so hateful that she has the biggest day of her life, a once off event, made so special. How do you know exactly your parents are struggling as a result of this? Did they say something? Have you seen their bank balance? Did you see the wedding bill?

It might not be the modern approach for parents to pay for weddings but it still does happen. Some families are still quite traditional in that sense. You said your parents are farmers who are modest, hard working etc. They sound quite traditional to me. How do you know they did not want 110% nothing more than to pay for their daughters wedding?

Is this sister younger or older? You mentioned the hassle it caused the bridesmaids were you a bridesmaid?

Your wedding was it Danni ? People blowing 40 grand of other people's money on 1 day of madness isn't smart it isn't sound and it won't stand to them in the long run either.

hayoc · 15-09-2020 9:17am

listermint wrote: »

Your wedding was it Danni ? People blowing 40 grand of other people's money on 1 day of madness isn't smart it isn't sound and it won't stand to them in the long run either.

Was it 40k? I didnt see the OP mention the amount.

Regardless, its between the sister and the parents and not the OPs business to get involved at all.

Im a little bamboozled that the OP is getting himself so upset over his sisters wedding at all.

LegacyUser · 15-09-2020 9:18am

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

that's not what i said. Not getting at YOU qwerty ..or the OP but ....

I said write out all the costs for the wedding ...write out all the income your parents have ...and their personal monthly costs ..basically show the sister their discretionary income.

If it causes a rift ...fine. Its better than the parents starving or endangering themselves ..

When you don't have the money. You don't have it.

You can't afford to walk on eggshells with people. She will have to be hurt.

Only rich people can afford to be so sensitive. That's my take.

The couple will have to take on more of the debt.

There is a rift /will be a rift. That's life.

The money isn't there. That is reality.

Her parents are to be her wage slaves for ten yrs? Get off it. I would WANT a rift with someone like that.

Firstly the wedding has already happened so it's a bit late to start counting pennies for it. Second the OP has stated the grooms family are more well off so they probably didn't see the cost of the wedding as excessive. The brides parents felt pressure to match their new in-laws in how much they were putting in to the wedding. Covid happened which added additional stress and expense. The OPs parents are adults, they chose how to spend their money, it's not up to the OP to lecture them on financial planning.

OP you say you are still anger over this...really ask yourself why..is it because you think you are not going to inherit much money now if your parents are in debt? Is it because you think your parents wouldn't spend the same amount on your wedding when it happens? Or do you fear your parents are going to get in difficult paying what they owe? Or is it you think your sister has changed as a person as a result of the actions of this wedding? It sounds like you are just angry and don't know where to focus said anger. Do you have other siblings maybe you can talk to? Maybe they have a different perspective on events to you

Danni21 · 15-09-2020 9:25am

listermint wrote: »

Your wedding was it Danni ? People blowing 40 grand of other people's money on 1 day of madness isn't smart it isn't sound and it won't stand to them in the long run either.

No, it wasn't !!! You kind of proved the point there. It wasn't the OPs wedding either was it? Also, where does it mention 40k? I must have missed that. Still nothing concrete to say the OPs parents have ever suggested this has crippled them or how much it cost them.

Psychiatric Patrick · 15-09-2020 11:48am

Why haven't you said anything to her?

Xterminator · 15-09-2020 11:54am

Advice321 wrote: »

The wedding won't leave my parents broke but it is the fact that they work so damn hard to earn the money and to see it blown on a few hours of sillyness kills me. I could easily see how €5k could have been avoided on the day with absolutely no compromise on the enjoyment of the day for my sister, family, or any of the guests.

Wait till she gets the house too!:D

freshpopcorn · 15-09-2020 12:21pm

Xterminator wrote: »

Wait till she gets the house too!:D

If I’m being honest. I was thinking was the OP thinking of his future inheritance if his parents continue to spend there money.

15-09-2020 1:28pm

any one individual's thoughts on wedding fuss/costs doesnt in any way relate to what advice you should give to the OP imo, which remains:

what your parents choose to spend on their daughters wedding is not really your business

if you are struggling to accept that then work on why, because it's a poor sign of your perspective on the other adults in your family imo

Addle · 15-09-2020 6:55pm

Psychiatric Patrick wrote: »

Why haven't you said anything to her?

Because that will cause more trouble than it’s worth and hopefully he has the sense not to.

Neyite · 15-09-2020 8:48pm

Weddings are funny. We didn't want a big wedding - just family for the ceremony, a meal and a few drinks with maybe a DJ would have done us.

Then we spoke to family. Absolutely aghast! What, no church? No bridesmaids? What kind of a wedding was this at all??

We've cut corners like no florist, no video, no bridesmaids or groomsmen, no band, no second day entertainment, very limited guest list, and but I still want to host a day where people come and are well fed and watered by us. We are paying for it ourselves but I know of several families where the only girl is getting married and a parent kind of loses the run of themselves a bit. Out of my sisters, both their husbands wanted the bigger day than they did. Ditto with my partner's sister. My mothers best friend was fully behind her daughter eloping, the dad pitched a fit and insisted they have the big do.

The pressure you can be under to take on board everyone's opinion and expectation is immense. I'm fairly ballsy and my partner would be as well so we were able to stand up to people and say "no, we don't want that, we want this". And prices treble when the word wedding is mentioned, so costs can quickly add up.
You may find that your sister has decided on other ways to make it up to your parents or pay them back but for now it's probably wise to hold your fire and take a bit more time to review the situation.

osarusan · 16-09-2020 7:20am

If there was ever a time to raise the issue, it was before the wedding when things could be changed.

I don't see how raising it now will help anybody.

ILoveYourVibes · 17-09-2020 12:54am

osarusan wrote: »

If there was ever a time to raise the issue, it was before the wedding when things could be changed.

I don't see how raising it now will help anybody.

It would encourage the couple to pay for some of it or more of it instead of the parents? Help them out?

17-09-2020 1:05am

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

It would encourage the couple to pay for some of it or more of it instead of the parents? Help them out?

that would suggest anyone but the OP has a problem with things

no evidence of this

Antares35 · 17-09-2020 1:08am

Addle wrote: »

Is it though?
The OP just thinks it isn’t, and he’s way over thinking this. He needs to stop begrudging his sister and get over it.

Well it isn't there anymore it's been spent on the wedding

OP a lot of the things you list as "extravagant" expenses are pretty much run of the mill stuff for Irish weddings. Not condoning them, wouldn't be caught dead treating my bítch of an aunt to a meat and two veg when I could be having a small ceremony in Spain with only the people I like, but it's pretty much par for the course. The chocolate fountain, photo booth etc.

Agree with posters re offending your parents. It isn't a point I had considered but it's a good one to be fair. It's their money, nobody should tell them how to spend it.

bobbyy gee · 17-09-2020 1:09am

Every bride deserves the best wedding no matter what it costs

Blush_01 · 17-09-2020 1:11am

bobbyy gee wrote: »

Every bride deserves the best wedding no matter what it costs

There was me thinking that weddings were about a couple.

ILoveYourVibes · 17-09-2020 2:03am

bobbyy gee wrote: »

Every bride deserves the best wedding no matter what it costs

Of course. But the best wedding is not the most expensive wedding.

People have to find other more creative ways of having the best wedding.

It can be done. But you have to have imagination soul and creativity.

I am not saying get married on a fiver.

But some of the best husbands i know ...who treat their wives the best ..got married with a civil service NO friends there just witnesses ..not even parents could be there. (both lived in diff country). No dress no nothing.

Unless people think that the wedding that costs more is BETTER than a wedding that costs less i dont think the best wedding equals the most expensive wedding. Not at all.

I have been to expensive weddings that were dull and lifeless.

Every person man AND woman ...if they want to be married deserve the best wedding ...money won't buy that. If you are dull and boring people with dull and boring friends and no creativity ..then no matter how much money you have ....your wedding is not going to be all that great.

And yes weddings are about a couple. And its up to the couple to make it the best wedding.

You have someone who is good at crafts? have them make the party favors ..it will make them extra special.
Have a friend who bakes ..let them make the cake ...it can be their wedding gift.

Hannibal_Smith · 17-09-2020 7:25am

Mod Note

As the OP has found a way to deal with their issue, rather than have the thread go further down the road of general discussion on wedding costs, I'm going to close it here.

Best of luck OP and if you want the thread reopened just let one of the Mod Team know.

Thanks to all who offered help and advice.

HS

Anger at sister over wedding expenses

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