Maths jokes!

Lovecat · 22-04-2009 3:37pm

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first mathematician asks the barman for a pint. The second one asks for half a pint. The third one asks for a quarter of a pint, the fourth for 1/8th, the fifth for 1/16th, the sixth for 1/32nd, etc, etc, etc. The barman says "You're all idiots", pours two pints and walks away.

dafunk · 22-04-2009 11:50pm

Heheh

ZorbaTehZ · 26-04-2009 11:17pm

A physicist, an engineer, and a mathematician are given the job of moving a box of ball bearings from one table to another on on the opposite side of a room.

The physicist creates a ramp between the two tables and imparts just enough kinetic energy to move each ball to the new table.

The engineer grabs the box and tries hauling it over to the new table, but it's too heavy. About half way across he drops the box. He spends the next hour collecting ball bearings from the floor and putting them on the new table.

The mathematician, having observed the previous two, pushes his box off the table onto the floor and says, "I have reduced the problem to a previously solved one."

An engineer, a physicist, a mathematician and a statistician all stay at a hotel.

Late that night, the engineer wakes up to find his trash can on fire. He grabs a huge bucket of water and pours it over the fire. Then he grabs a second bucket of water and pours it over the ashes, just to be safe.

The physicist also wakes up to find that his thrash can is on fire. Hastily grabbing a calculator and come paper, he calculates the exact amount of water necessary to put out the fire. He takes this amount from the tap, extinguishes the fire, then goes back to sleep.

The mathematician wakes up to find his trash can ablaze as well. He also does the calculations for the exact amount necessary to put out the fire, and then wakes up the physicist and engineer and has them put it out for him.

The statistician continues to set people's trash cans on fire as he needs a larger sample size.

Kareir · 29-05-2009 11:52pm

Lovecat wrote: »

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first mathematician asks the barman for a pint. The second one asks for half a pint. The third one asks for a quarter of a pint, the fourth for 1/8th, the fifth for 1/16th, the sixth for 1/32nd, etc, etc, etc. The barman says "You're all idiots", pours two pints and walks away.

Ah, the pints are always good down at the Rhymann Zeta... (That IS the one, right? :P)

_Kar

Faith+1 · 21-06-2009 10:44pm

As said in Anchorman when referring to Sex Panther by Odeon.

"They did surveys you know?, 60% of the time it works everytime"

How does that work!!?

locum-motion · 20-07-2009 3:33am

It's a lifetime ambition of mine
a new value for Pi to assign.
I would set it at three
for it's simpler, you see,
than 3.14159.

nVid · 20-07-2009 4:08am

What did the computer engineering student say to the computing student?

You computer engineer wannabe

If I were a nerd, I would be the alphanerd.

DO IT TILL IT MHZ

Sherifu · 25-07-2009 8:50pm

eamonnf · 26-07-2009 10:48am

daveangel wrote: »

a few more chat up lines for the girls in the maths class...

1. On a score of 1 to 2, I'd give you 1
2. On a score of 1 to 5, you get a phwoar

How about - on a score of 1 to 2, I'd give you 1, twice!!:D

Jonathan · 30-07-2009 4:08pm

Sherifu wrote: »

Another luke surl fan?

watty · 18-08-2009 8:33pm

http://xkcd.com/435/

Frank my Boy · 23-08-2009 11:15pm

Pick up line,
You're like sin squared theta and I'm like cos squared theta because together we become 1.

jack_reacher · 29-08-2009 2:07am

Mr Minraise wrote: »

.

Only 18 months late but they're brilliant:D

(Edit:the originals post showed links. Just after going through most of this thread-hilarious but I think the binary jokes went over my head!)

bnt · 12-12-2009 2:14am

From Mathematically Correct: instructions on how to make a 2-twist Mö bius Bagel:

(Link from Phil Plait, who says "But I don’t think it would satisfy my hunger. You can only schmeer one side!") :cool:

Poor Uncle Tom · 12-12-2009 2:11pm

I don't know if this has been posted before because 115 posts into two minutes doesn't go right now, so.

Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?

He worked it out with a pencil...

Marvinthefish · 05-01-2010 4:04am

Azelfafage · 06-01-2010 5:59pm

In Ireland a square is legally a circle.

On the windscreen of your car there is a square Insurance Disc. (Disk)

The Irish law says "The Disk shall be Square.".

How clever is that?

.

bazza1 · 23-01-2010 3:14pm

fx = x(1+x) walks into a hotel bar. The barman says "Sorry, we dont cater for functions here)

Bog_Warrior · 28-01-2010 2:59am

Not purely mathematical but here goes.......

OPTIMIST: The glass is half full.

PESSIMIST: The glass is half empty.

ENGINEER: The glass is twice the size it needs to be.

Eliot Rosewater · 17-02-2010 11:30pm

Heard this anecdote tonight. It was told to a crowd of 50 maths dept students and lecturers and very few people got it, so Ill include an explanation at the end!

A teacher is teaching a class multiplication. He says:
"If you multiply a positive by a negative you get negative.
If you multiply a negative by a positive you get negative.
If you multiply a negative by a negative you get positive.
But if you multiply a positive by a positive you dont get a negative."

A student at the back of the class shouts (Irish accent) "You do, yeah!"

Explanation:
What the student says is two positives "You do" and "yeah" however hes being sarcastic and so what he is saying is negative.

How poor is that?

i71jskz5xu42pb · 18-02-2010 12:51am

Eliot Rosewater wrote: »

How poor is that?

When you have to explain the joke .....

Here's what I think is the orginal version

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages
though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative.

However," he pointed out, "there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

TheColl · 16-03-2010 11:42pm

locum-motion wrote: »

It's a lifetime ambition of mine
a new value for Pi to assign.
I would set it at three
for it's simpler, you see,
than 3.14159.

that's brilliant!!

some more...

There was a young lady called Kate,
Whose maths was right up-to-date.
She said, "It is fun
When three threes are one,
Which they are with modulo eight.

A Dozen, a Gross, and a Score,
plus three times the square root of four,
divided by seven,
plus five times eleven,
equals nine squared and not a bit more.

Integral z-squared dz
from 1 to the cube root of 3
times the cosine
of three pi over 9
equals log of the cube root of 'e'.

Eliot Rosewater · 17-03-2010 12:41am

I heard my first Maths joke I actually laughed at the other day. Its joking about how symbolic and abstract college maths is.

Theres a Maths class on in Oxford and there are two students at the back of the class. One of them is squinting at the board. He turns to his friend, points and says "I don't know what the symbol is there, next to the alpha; its looks like a backward epsilon".

"That would be a three" his friend replies...

ZorbaTehZ · 27-03-2010 2:57pm

"What's an anagram of Banach-Tarski?" "Banach-Tarski Banach-Tarski."

Faith+1 · 27-03-2010 4:44pm

ZorbaTehZ wrote: »

"What's an anagram of Banach-Tarski?" "Banach-Tarski Banach-Tarski."

Lol!:D

11-04-2010 11:09pm

A mathematician and his best friend, an engineer, attend a public lecture on geometry in thirteen-dimensional space.
"How did you like it?" the mathematician wants to know after the talk.
"My head's spinning", the engineer confesses. "How can you develop any intuition for thirteen-dimensional space?"
"Well, it's not hard. All I do is visualize arbitrary N-dimensional space and then set N = 13."

Faith+1 · 11-04-2010 11:26pm

Deleted User wrote: »

All I do is visualize arbitrary N-dimensional space and then set N = 13."

God I love these!

iSeeStars · 28-04-2010 8:50pm

Why was 6 afraid of 7?
Because seven eight nine

Faith+1 · 28-04-2010 9:06pm

iSeeStars wrote: »

Why was 6 afraid of 7?
Because seven eight nine

Nice!:D

Clinker · 30-04-2010 9:55am

Azelfafage wrote: »

In Ireland a square is legally a circle.

On the windscreen of your car there is a square Insurance Disc. (Disk)

The Irish law says "The Disk shall be Square.".

How clever is that?

.

It's a disk in the infinity norm.

Nick Dolan · 05-05-2010 1:12am

Q. What do you get if you cross an elephant with a mountain climber?
A. You can't. A mountain climber is a scalar.

[/QUOTE]

Genius!

RolandIRL · 05-05-2010 10:32am

some chat up lines

I wish i was your differential, cos then i'd be touching all your curves

I like maths. Let's go to my room, add the bed, subtract your clothes, divide your legs, and hope we don't multiply

i'm not being obtuse, but you're acute girl

Our love is like dividing by zero....you can't define it

Our relationship is like a modulus function, all the signs are positive

Faith+1 · 05-05-2010 11:26am

whiteman19 wrote: »

I like maths. Let's go to my room, add the bed, subtract your clothes, divide your legs, and hope we don't multiply

An oldie but very good!:D

Fringe · 07-05-2010 12:10am

Here's some chat up lines I made up:

Hey baby, if I be the leading variable of this reduced row echelon matrix, will you be free tonight?

Our love is like a failed epsilon-delta definition. It has no limits.

And here's a joke that I also made:

An adjoint matrix walks into a bar. The barman says sorry, we don't serve minors.

Faith+1 · 07-05-2010 1:29am

Fringe wrote: »

Here's some chat up lines I made up:

Hey baby, if I be the leading variable of this reduced row echelon matrix, will you be free tonight?

Our love is like a failed epsilon-delta definition. It has no limits.

And here's a joke that I also made:

An adjoint matrix walks into a bar. The barman says sorry, we don't serve minors.

I'd love to use em for a laugh but I could just imagine the response "YE Wha?"

dafunk · 17-05-2010 12:17am

18-05-2010 10:19pm

How many mathematicians does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, it's left as an excercise to the reader.

paultheviking · 04-07-2010 12:23am

An infinite crowd of mathematicians enters a bar.
The first one orders a pint, the second one a half pint, the third one a quarter pint...
The bartender pours two pints.

sponsoredwalk · 11-08-2010 5:57am

Q: When did Bourbaki stop writing books?

A: When they realized that Serge Lang was a single person...

Davidius · 16-08-2010 11:45pm

Not exactly a traditional joke but read this page.

Take note of the name of some commenters

Pygmalion · 31-08-2010 6:41pm

A mathematics professor is writing a proof on the blackboard, he says to the class "... and it obviously follows that ..." and a student interrupts him with "Is that step really obvious?".
He puts down the chalk, reads his notes, writes a page of calculations on a sheet of paper, leaves the room, consults with the other professors and returns 15 minutes later. "Yes, it's quite obvious!"

Ficheall · 05-09-2010 1:33pm

Pygmalion wrote: »

A mathematics professor is writing a proof on the blackboard, he says to the class "... and it obviously follows that ..." and a student interrupts him with "Is that step really obvious?".
He puts down the chalk, reads his notes, writes a page of calculations on a sheet of paper, leaves the room, consults with the other professors and returns 15 minutes later. "Yes, it's quite obvious!"

That's a true story. Hardy, iirc.

Gordon Gecko · 08-09-2010 12:25am

Bogger trigonometry: swine and coswine

DNS trigonometry: Ah Jaysint'a

Colonel Sanders · 09-09-2010 8:39pm

Pygmalion wrote: »

A mathematics professor is writing a proof on the blackboard, he says to the class "... and it obviously follows that ..." and a student interrupts him with "Is that step really obvious?".
He puts down the chalk, reads his notes, writes a page of calculations on a sheet of paper, leaves the room, consults with the other professors and returns 15 minutes later. "Yes, it's quite obvious!"

Did anyone ever have David Wilkins in TCD?

He used the word "clearly" to justify a step in a proof. Very often when you actually tried justify the step the justification took longer than the proof using the word "clearly"

gaeilgeboy · 15-09-2010 12:11pm

Colonel Sanders wrote: »

Did anyone ever have David Wilkins in TCD?

He used the word "clearly" to justify a step in a proof. Very often when you actually tried justify the step the justification took longer than the proof using the word "clearly"

I know exactly what you mean ...

Yakuza · 16-09-2010 2:21am

Traffic Policeman: Mr. Heisenberg, do you know how fast you were going?
Mr. Heisenberg : No, but I know where I am.
Traffic Policeman : 150 km/h
Mr. Heisenberg : Great! Now I'm lost....

CJC86 · 17-09-2010 10:41pm

Did you hear about the grad student who submitted a PhD thesis on the properties of Holder continuous functions with alpha>1?

Check the definition, divide across by |x-y| and take the limit.

I believe this actually happened...

sponsoredwalk · 25-09-2010 9:29am

How did the philandering string theorist, on being caught in the act by his wife, respond?

Don't worry darling I can explain everything!

25-09-2010 9:38am

Colonel Sanders wrote: »

Did anyone ever have David Wilkins in TCD?

He used the word "clearly" to justify a step in a proof. Very often when you actually tried justify the step the justification took longer than the proof using the word "clearly"

I think our one with charlie nash in nuim was the same as well. It was bad enough we'd joke that in the exam for writing out a proof we'd just write the first line, "clearly..." and the last line

Midnight_EG · 12-10-2010 1:39am

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lo4NCXOX0p8

Maths jokes!

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