Don't want to get married

LegacyUser · 11-12-2018 9:49pm #1

Hi all, I understand that this is very trivial to other posts in the forum but please bear with me! I am a 28 year old female, happily going out with my other half for the last ten years. We are at the stage now where a lot of our friends are getting engaged, etc. Naturally enough I find myself at the centre of the typical "it'll be you next" chat. However, I desperately don't want to get married. It's not from a committment point of view whatsoever. Rather, I am quite socially anxious and the idea of a wedding is my worst nightmare (I don't even like attending them....). I hate the thought of being the centre of attention. My mother was also an alcoholic in earlier years so I think that I have negative connotations with weddings since that - the dread of the alcohol consumed, etc. I'm also not very religious/ traditional so I don't really feel the need to "officially" note my committment to my partner.

The thought of a hen party also turns my stomach. I feel very selfish but I struggle to understand the wedding culture- so much money spent, etc on something that seems very exaggerated and trivial to me. I have no interest in receiving lavish gifts and I have never dreamed of a wedding as a child. I should note that my partner doesn't mind about this and is happy not to get married. I think that I will soon have to break the news to my family but I am prepared for the usual "you're so selfish" lark. They are also quite religious and traditional so I know it won't go down well, but it really isn't for me. Has anyone ever been in this situation? The constant "wedding questions" from others - including my parents- is just so exhausting. I understand that people may find this trivial and ridiculous but I feel pressurised and I am just so not interested in it. I suppose that there is always the option to "elope" but then parents will be offended and annoyed. I thought about going abroad to get married with parents and close family but my parents often drink too much so I know that I would dread that too. I feel like I would just be going through the motions for the sake of it. Any advice appreciated.

FishOnABike · 11-12-2018 10:16pm

If you want to avoid the pomp and ceremony of a traditional big wedding why not just have a quiet civil ceremony in a registry office with a few close family and friends or just yourselves and witnesses either here of abroad.

Dial Hard · 11-12-2018 10:25pm

You can get married without having a wedding or a hen party, you know. Either elope or just do it in the registry office without telling anyone. You'll need two witnesses but they can be strangers off the street/another couple waiting to get married.

There are many practical reasons to get married other than religion/tradition/"noting" your commitment. Not sure what that one even means, tbh.

eviltwin · 11-12-2018 10:25pm

I don't know your situation but if you own property together or have children it's definitely in your interests to marry. But that doesn't automatically mean wedding. You can do it without all the fuss.

I got married for practical reasons after many years of questions. I didn't tell anyone because, like you, I'm not on good terms with my family and I didn't want them to know so we had a simple wedding with just a few people, no hens, no big reception, no major expense. It was easy to organise and worth it for the peace of mind.

If people are badgering you just be honest, you don't have any need to marry, your relationship is solid enough as is. Some people still see the absence of a ring as a sign that you aren't really committed or serious about each other but hopefully that attitude is changing.

Need advice 2226 · 11-12-2018 10:27pm

trivialstuff wrote: »

Hi all, I understand that this is very trivial to other posts in the forum but please bear with me! I am a 28 year old female, happily going out with my other half for the last ten years. We are at the stage now where a lot of our friends are getting engaged, etc. Naturally enough I find myself at the centre of the typical "it'll be you next" chat. However, I desperately don't want to get married. It's not from a committment point of view whatsoever. Rather, I am quite socially anxious and the idea of a wedding is my worst nightmare (I don't even like attending them....). I hate the thought of being the centre of attention. My mother was also an alcoholic in earlier years so I think that I have negative connotations with weddings since that - the dread of the alcohol consumed, etc. I'm also not very religious/ traditional so I don't really feel the need to "officially" note my committment to my partner.

The thought of a hen party also turns my stomach. I feel very selfish but I struggle to understand the wedding culture- so much money spent, etc on something that seems very exaggerated and trivial to me. I have no interest in receiving lavish gifts and I have never dreamed of a wedding as a child. I should note that my partner doesn't mind about this and is happy not to get married. I think that I will soon have to break the news to my family but I am prepared for the usual "you're so selfish" lark. They are also quite religious and traditional so I know it won't go down well, but it really isn't for me. Has anyone ever been in this situation? The constant "wedding questions" from others - including my parents- is just so exhausting. I understand that people may find this trivial and ridiculous but I feel pressurised and I am just so not interested in it. I suppose that there is always the option to "elope" but then parents will be offended and annoyed. I thought about going abroad to get married with parents and close family but my parents often drink too much so I know that I would dread that too. I feel like I would just be going through the motions for the sake of it. Any advice appreciated.

You shouldn’t feel pressured into getting married, society is different nowadays so I suggest an honest conversation with your parents/family. It may be the case you feel differently if you have children but for the moment don’t feel as if you are being selfish, the objective of getting married is not to please others or make family happy! Life’s too short to not live it exactly how you want and if you don’t want to get married you shouldn’t have to. But totally understand the pressure and the “what will the neighbours think” mentality of some older generations when couples stay together for a long time without getting married.

miezekatze · 11-12-2018 10:54pm

My partner and I got married this year after being together for over a decade. We held off for the same reasons as you, but in the end we decided to just have a very intimate wedding at the registry office, just so we're each other's next of kin, etc. Some people in both our families were annoyed that we didn't have a big wedding, but we weren't going to do that just to make them happy, and you can't please everyone anyway. We only had parents and siblings with their partners at it, then went to a nice restaurant together. It was a really nice day and I'm glad we did it. Maybe consider something like that, or elope. People may be annoyed, but they'll get over it. Or don't get married if you don't want to, it's not really anyone else's business.

Lia_lia · 11-12-2018 11:01pm

I completely understand OP. The idea of a wedding gives me the fear. The attention mainly. The idea of it freaks me out. Also the fact that my parents don’t talk and I can see my whole family fighting with each other and embarrassing me in front of my partners completely normal family. Also the cost is something that I just don’t understand. The whole wedding thing is just a big no from me basically.

But. We probably will get married. I’ve already discussed this with my OH and he doesn’t mind eloping or having a very small wedding with a few people abroad (I prefer the eloping idea). I know my family wouldn’t care but I can understand your concerns as many families are very traditional. I’ve a friend who was worried her family would disown her if she eloped but her parents quickly got over it and were happy for her.

Just remember a getting married doesn’t mean the traditional Irish wedding that you are familiar with. Not getting married is of course okay too. But for inheritance rights and if you have kids it often makes sense for legal reasons.

Daisy78 · 11-12-2018 11:35pm

Is it marriage or a wedding that is the issue. If it’s a wedding you could easily elope somewhere and get married in a registry office. Irish society is obsessed with marriage and weddings, it puts so much bloody pressure on a couple and most of the time the whole thing is for show (and they are all the bloody same). I personally have no interest in getting married but I’m constantly badgered by friends about why. It’s like your relationship means nothing unless you have a wedding band on your finger. In the end you should do what is right for you and your partner, nobody else. And if your parents ask again say it’s no longer up for discussion, end of.

MiliMe · 11-12-2018 11:41pm

Do you or your partner actually want to get married??
If the answer is no, don't even give it a second thought, people will soon get sick of asking.
If its yes, as others have pointed out the wedding can take place in a registry office with whoever you want to be there.

LegacyUser · 11-12-2018 11:48pm

OP here. Many thanks for replies. Just to clarify, it’s wedding and not actual marriage that terrifies me. Honestly it would be my worst nightmare. I hate attention, my parents drink too much and I have zero interest in spending an inordinate amount of money on it. I have considered eloping but again, my parents won’t be happy and I can’t be bothered with arguments. I know that it makes more tax sense etc to be married but am really not interested. Just feel so pressurised.

GingerLily · 12-12-2018 8:01am

Give serious consideration to next of kin rights.
I love the idea of eloping, always wish I did! Your parents shouldn't be controlling so many of you're life choices, so what you want to do!

If you do elope you can always have a party when you return, something less formal and stressful and shorter so people have less time to get drunk!

LegacyUser · 12-12-2018 9:39am

Trivialstuff wrote: »

OP here. Many thanks for replies. Just to clarify, it’s wedding and not actual marriage that terrifies me. Honestly it would be my worst nightmare. I hate attention, my parents drink too much and I have zero interest in spending an inordinate amount of money on it. I have considered eloping but again, my parents won’t be happy and I can’t be bothered with arguments. I know that it makes more tax sense etc to be married but am really not interested. Just feel so pressurised.

Hey OP as you say its the wedding not marriage that is the issue so keep that clear in your head. Do you want to marry your OH? If yes then deal with the wedding issue. I'm like yourself and hate being the center of attention so had simple civil service (seriously in and out in 15mins) with just two witnesses, we had a small family diner in a nice restaurant after and a couple of weeks later we rented a larger country house and invited our 10 closet friends to just hang out for a long weekend. We cooked, ate out, played board games, went dancing, just general had a lovely weekend and that was it. We didn't spend loads of money, we didn't do any of the hen party rubbish or the like.

The big factor was my OH was on the same page as me, didn't want a wedding, didn't like the idea of spending so much money on something neither of us would enjoy. You need to discuss with your OH what they want. Do they want a big wedding? do they want their family/friends there? If yes then you need to reach a compromise that works for both of you. Don't agree to something you don't want just because its what they want but at the same time don't dismiss options because its not what you want. It should be a joint choice.

Over the last few years I've been to weddings of all shapes and sizes so don't feel you have to follow any sort of tradition.

SusanC10 · 12-12-2018 9:48am

A good friend of mine and her husband eloped a few years ago. They didn't tell anyone. She planned it all from here in advance. Everyone thought that they were just on holidays.
She has a complicated family situation and did not want a "wedding".
They told people at home individually as they met them. Her Parents weren't happy initially but they got over it. She and her husband never regretted it.

Xterminator · 12-12-2018 10:10am

hi op

2 posts and not a word about what your partner thinks and wants. thats a little curious, does he get a say?

you are perfectly entitled to do what makes you happy and i agree that you shouldn't give up your own happiness to satisfy family and friends desire for a white wedding.

But if you are prepared to disappoint them by not getting married, when then do you rule out getting married abroad quietly and stress free, on the basis they will be disappointed?

Are you thinking rationally here?

....... · 12-12-2018 10:33am

Yep - I felt the same.

So we eloped, got married with 2 strangers as witnesses in a different country and then phoned home to tell everyone the deed was done.

If you have children or shared assets you should marry to avail of the legal protections it gives you.

Sunflower 27 · 12-12-2018 10:50am

Elope op. It's what I'd do as I really hate the idea of a big ceremony that is just going through the motions. One wedding is much like the next and the cost utterly ridiculous. Think about how that money could be spent on a mortgage and fantastic holiday!!!

Not wanting to get married because you don't want to or don't believe in it is one thing, but wanting to and not doing it from a social anxiety point of view is another.

Ive heard of couples eloping with a few close friends and having a surprise pub get-together on their return to announce the news and celebrate.

Remember, it is your wedding, do it how you want (if you want to) and don't buy into the notion it has to be done a certain way.

I'll be slated for this but I find traditional weddings so routine and dull.

ElizaBennett · 12-12-2018 3:51pm

Weddings are the worst..with you there. A lot of advice here to elope but you don't even have to do that. Just get married in a registry office if you actually do want to get married. Use randomers as witnesses and don't tell anyone you know. Go for an intimate dinner and stay in a nice hotel for the night. Job done. You don't even have to tell anyone after. It's none of their business. I'm curious to know why you care so much what your family think about this?

TomSweeney · 12-12-2018 3:58pm

FishOnABike wrote: »

If you want to avoid the pomp and ceremony of a traditional big wedding why not just have a quiet civil ceremony in a registry office with a few close family and friends or just yourselves and witnesses either here of abroad.

+1

That's what we did, I myself hate being the center of attention, even presentations in work terrify me.
We had a do at a registry office - only family (parents + siblings + one grandparent)

Had a fantastic meal in a nice restaurant too, no speeches - it's all a load of bollocks that no one likes listening to anyway.

frogstar · 12-12-2018 6:19pm

I had no hen, not my thjng.... Just don't like them.

We also went abroad to get married, just the two of us. Told nobody until we were actually married. 99% of people were happy for us.

I also don't like attention either and coupled with ridiculous cost of weddings in Ireland (even small ones), our best option was to go abroad just the two of us. I woudl have hated our wedding day if we did it here.

Don't worry about anyone else. Sure you don't even need to get engaged if you don't want, just get married!

Ghekko · 12-12-2018 6:33pm

It's very easy to get married in a registry office without telling anyone, be it in Ireland or abroad. Don't let the idea of a wedding put you off getting married if marriage is something both you and your partner would like. After the event you can choose to tell people or not but there is no need or obligation to explain your reasons for doing it quietly. Personally I would get married for legal reasons.

3DataModem · 12-12-2018 6:35pm

FishOnABike wrote: »

If you want to avoid the pomp and ceremony of a traditional big wedding why not just have a quiet civil ceremony in a registry office with a few close family and friends or just yourselves and witnesses either here of abroad.

My colleague popped down at lunch to the registry (after the 3 weeks notice) and got married. They asked the couple waiting to get married after them to be their legal witnesses.

Dial Hard · 12-12-2018 7:57pm

3DataModem wrote:

My colleague popped down at lunch to the registry (after the 3 weeks notice) and got married. They asked the couple waiting to get married after them to be their legal witnesses.

It's three months notice, just to be clear for the OP.

BBFAN · 12-12-2018 8:05pm

Xterminator wrote: »

hi op

2 posts and not a word about what your partner thinks and wants. thats a little curious, does he get a say?

you are perfectly entitled to do what makes you happy and i agree that you shouldn't give up your own happiness to satisfy family and friends desire for a white wedding.

But if you are prepared to disappoint them by not getting married, when then do you rule out getting married abroad quietly and stress free, on the basis they will be disappointed?

Are you thinking rationally here?

Don't know what posts you read but both posts mention the OP's partner.

Kidchameleon · 12-12-2018 9:02pm

Dont worry about it, plenty of people dont marry in this day and age.

GingerLily · 12-12-2018 9:06pm

Kidchameleon wrote: »

Dont worry about it, plenty of people dont marry in this day and age.

If the OP and her doesn't want to be married, then they shouldn't.

From the OP though it sounds as if the issue is a wedding with all the trimmings, and if that's the case she should know she has options!

....... · 13-12-2018 10:35am

3DataModem wrote: »

My colleague popped down at lunch to the registry (after the 3 weeks notice) and got married. They asked the couple waiting to get married after them to be their legal witnesses.

Its 3 months notice and then you have to book the registry office for the marriage, the one in Dublin is often booked out 6 months in advance.

Before you can give the notice you have to book an appointment to give it and the waiting list for that appointment can be a number of months (depending on time of year and registry office). When I tried it would have been 12 months at the earliest if I had used the registry office. (3 months wait for appointment, 3 months notice and 6 months wait for registry office itself).

They may have shortened those times now - it was before you could get married in places outside of the registry office or a church, although it was also prior to marriage equality so who knows.

Sittingpretty · 13-12-2018 10:41am

We got married for €200 in Cork, didn’t tell anyone, came home married, yep, some people were put out but they got over themselves.

3 months notice to marry, bit of form filling and bobs yer uncle.

I was never into the idea of a big wedding fuss either.

miezekatze · 13-12-2018 3:49pm

....... wrote: »

Its 3 months notice and then you have to book the registry office for the marriage, the one in Dublin is often booked out 6 months in advance.

Before you can give the notice you have to book an appointment to give it and the waiting list for that appointment can be a number of months (depending on time of year and registry office). When I tried it would have been 12 months at the earliest if I had used the registry office. (3 months wait for appointment, 3 months notice and 6 months wait for registry office itself).

They may have shortened those times now - it was before you could get married in places outside of the registry office or a church, although it was also prior to marriage equality so who knows.

I can confirm that those times have indeed been shortened. We booked our 3 month appointment just a few weeks in advance. Booked the ceremony in the same phone call for just over 3 months after that.

it's only if you want to get married on a Friday that you have to book it more than 6 months earlier, other dates seem fine.

splinter65 · 13-12-2018 4:02pm

We don’t feel pressured to have lavish 3 day party’s when we enter into other legal contractual arrangements so I’m constantly mistified when couples end up stressed to the max trying to impress/please/ compete with others when it comes to marriage.
Be it a civil ceremony or religious do, it can be processed with minimum fuss and expense and no stress.
Please don’t be even remotely concerned OP as to how others will react, you’ll be a 9 day wonder till the next “drama” pops up.
Good luck.

Mr. Incognito · 13-12-2018 7:13pm

As a solicitor in practice who has had to deal with wills where people were not married get married if only for tax reasons.

Paying most of your inheritance to the tax man and being treated as a stranger in law for someone you spent your life with is easily avoided by simply filling out a form. Particularly if you have kids as unmarried fathers here have very little rights or say in the legal decisions of the child.

You dont have to add any other connuctations to it.

Hoboo · 13-12-2018 7:18pm

Trivialstuff wrote: »

OP here. Many thanks for replies. Just to clarify, it’s wedding and not actual marriage that terrifies me. Honestly it would be my worst nightmare. I hate attention, my parents drink too much and I have zero interest in spending an inordinate amount of money on it. I have considered eloping but again, my parents won’t be happy and I can’t be bothered with arguments. I know that it makes more tax sense etc to be married but am really not interested. Just feel so pressurised.

You're 28, screw your parents, do what makes you and your other half happy. Otherwise you'll end up being unhappy and resentful towards them. Cut those strings, you're an adult, time to lay down the law.

Don't want to get married

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