Where to put a 15 yr old boy in your wedding

Busymum33 · 05-04-2019 9:31am #1

Im recently engaged and I have a 15 year old son (previous relationship) and I'm not sure where to put him in the wedding. My fiancee has 2 brothers and a nephew that he loves like his brothers which would make it 4 groomsman and 4 bridesmaids which is too much. (We are on a budget) Can anyone help me with this please...Its stressful! Thanks.

Pawwed Rig · 05-04-2019 9:35am

He could be the ring bearer. We had my nephew do that as he was upset that he had no role. We talked up the importance of it and even trusted him to mind the rings the night before and bring them to the ceremony.

RocketRaccoon · 05-04-2019 9:36am

Surely your son is more important than your fianc nephew?

harr · 05-04-2019 9:42am

Ring carrier is a good idea...friend of mine was kind of in same position and gave her son (14) a few different roles on the day . The one enjoyed most was being the usher in the church, she to built it up to an important role.
He gave out the wedding booklets and directed people to seats.
In fairness he did a great job on the day and the church side of things went off without issue.
Just involve him in as much as possible and give him a mention during the speech’s

harr · 05-04-2019 9:46am

RocketRaccoon wrote: »

Surely your son is more important than your fianc nephew?

Normally the groomsmen would come from the husbands side and he probably wants or had planned on asking them.
Maybe he had promised the nephew a role before he realised this would be an issue.

RocketRaccoon · 05-04-2019 9:46am

harr wrote: »

Normally the groomsmen would come from the husbands side and he probably wants or had planned on asking them.
Maybe he had promised the nephew a role before he realised this would be an issue.

The son is 15, I'm sure he knew about him before proposing and planning the wedding.

irisheddie85 · 05-04-2019 9:52am

If it suits your family setup you could ask him if he wants to walk you up the aisle. Would be a really symbolic moment of bringing joining your family with this new man. Even alongside your dad if that was your plan.

banie01 · 05-04-2019 9:53am

irisheddie85 wrote: »

If it suits your family setup you could ask him if he wants to walk you up the aisle. Would be a really symbolic moment of bringing joining your family with this new man. Even alongside your dad if that was your plan.

+1
I was about to suggest similar.

dinnyhw · 05-04-2019 10:44am

I got married recently and have two kids from a previous relationship. My daughter was bridesmaid and my son was groomsman, but he also walked my mother up the aisle.
Maybe he could do that or even make a speech??

tretorn · 05-04-2019 11:00am

Groomsman is the grooms choice and its usually someone from his side of the family.

Would you be happy if he wanted a daughter of his to be your bridesmaid.

Sorry about that · 05-04-2019 11:07am

tretorn wrote: »

Groomsman is the grooms choice and its usually someone from his side of the family.

Would you be happy if he wanted a daughter of his to be your bridesmaid.

If I was about to become her stepmother I’d very possibly have already considered it.

oLoonatic · 05-04-2019 11:09am

Why not have him walk down the aisle with you (not sure if your dad is around) but both of them if so??

lalababa · 05-04-2019 11:17am

Have him collect the cash.

Pawwed Rig · 05-04-2019 11:24am

tretorn wrote: »

Would you be happy if he wanted a daughter of his to be your bridesmaid.

That would be a no brainer for me. I would assume she would be bridesmaid or flower girl

Sunny Dayz · 05-04-2019 12:17pm

Are you having a religious ceremony? If so, there's a reading towards the end of the mass, like a reflection after communion - it would be a lovely thing for him to read out as it is usually wishing the newly married couple a happy future.

pc7 · 05-04-2019 12:48pm

This man is becoming a huge part of both your lives, I would have personally picked the son/daughter as groomsman/bridesmaid. Nieces and Nephews would be way down the list. Also if you are having 3 of each, adding an extra that is your son isn't too much, I think it would look worse to have 3 and him excluded.

tangobelle2010 · 05-04-2019 2:12pm

My son was 12 when I got married, slightly younger than yours. We had three bridesmaids, three groomsmen and my son - the Junior Groomsman. He sat in church with the groomsmen. He sat at top table with the groomsmen - he loved being one of the boys. And after our first dance when the rest of the bridal party came to the dance floor, he joined hands with myself and my husband and danced with us as a "unit". So many people commented on how lovely this was afterwards.

RocketRaccoon · 05-04-2019 2:20pm

tangobelle2010 wrote: »

My son was 12 when I got married, slightly younger than yours. We had three bridesmaids, three groomsmen and my son - the Junior Groomsman. He sat in church with the groomsmen. He sat at top table with the groomsmen - he loved being one of the boys. And after our first dance when the rest of the bridal party came to the dance floor, he joined hands with myself and my husband and danced with us as a "unit". So many people commented on how lovely this was afterwards.

I had my daughter from a previous relationship as a junior bridesmaid and it was the exact same, she got ready with all the girls, sat at the top table, was involved in the first dance.

Tombo2001 · 05-04-2019 2:23pm

RocketRaccoon wrote: »

Surely your son is more important than your fianc nephew?

OMG - this comment is wrong on so many levels.

(i) nobody is more important than anyone else - in the scheme of things.

(ii) what you are somewhat outrageously inferring is that FOR THE OP - her own son may NOT be more important to HER than her Fiance's nephew. Of course he is more important to her, that goes without saying and to even ask the question is just needlessly antagonistic.

(iii) In every wedding that ever happened - the groom picks the groomsmen; the bride picks the bridesmaids. As such, the groom picks who he wants to pick. And there is no outrage whatsoever if the groom feels his nephew that he is pals with all his life is the person he wants as a groomsman over the OP's son.

Tombo2001 · 05-04-2019 2:53pm

Additional point OP - you've come into this forum to ask the question. ERGO you are asking a large group of Women what they would do.

Ask a bunch of Men how they would feel about it. You will absolutely not get the same answer.

Why dont you ask on the Parenting forum - essentially this is a Parenting issue as well as a Wedding issue.

Ultimately - I would see this as the Groom's decision. Its the one part of the Wedding that he controls, everything else is either the Bride or the Couple deciding, so consider that before you start telling him what to do. It may be that he is AOK with it; it may be that he;s not, and that should be respected.

BookNerd · 05-04-2019 3:14pm

I have a teenage son and my fiance has a tween daughter. They are both priority at the wedding as us marrying has a bigger impact than them over anyone (apart from us).
My son is giving me away and is groomsman.
His daughter is my bridesmaid. I have a lot of friends and relations I could ask but she is so excited about the wedding and she and I and my son and fiancee are about to become a family so they are our main wedding party.
His brother is best man and I am having my best friend sign the register (she didn't mind not being bridesmaid).
The best man, our parents and our kids make up the top table.

Personally I can't imagine not having the children as a massive part of the wedding as it is binding them to each other and their step parent also so I feel like it's really important they play an important role.

NashD · 05-04-2019 3:18pm

I don't understand the issue.
You don't need to balance the sides - as was suggested earlier it's not going to cost anything extra to slot him in as a junior groomsman and have him sit with ye at the top table. I assume he would be wearing a suit and eating a meal either way?!
I'd be really surprised to attend a wedding and not see a teenage child of the couple included in the bridal party.

GingerLily · 05-04-2019 3:40pm

Teenage boys can be very sensitive, I would be be very careful of making your son feel excluded, it's going to be such a significant day for him, it would be a shame if he felt left out

Ann22 · 05-04-2019 3:45pm

My son gave me away and made a little speech at 9yrs old. It was lovely but if it had've been my 2nd son there's no say he would've done it as he's very quiet and reserved. My father had passed away the year before.

05-04-2019 3:49pm

GingerLily wrote: »

Teenage boys can be very sensitive, I would be be very careful of making your son feel excluded, it's going to be such a significant day for him, it would be a shame if he felt left out

thats assuming a lot though

have you asked the lad if hes in any way bothered? i wouldnt have been at that age

NashD · 05-04-2019 3:51pm

Tombo2001 wrote: »

Ultimately - I would see this as the Groom's decision. Its the one part of the Wedding that he controls, everything else is either the Bride or the Couple deciding, so consider that before you start telling him what to do. It may be that he is AOK with it; it may be that he;s not, and that should be respected.

Yes and No... absolutely I would never have dreamed of trying to veto any of my husbands choices - but if I had a son and he wasn't even considering him as a groomsman that would be a gamechanger for me.
I think it sends a message of the role the groom sees the boy playing in his life.

05-04-2019 3:52pm

NashD wrote: »

Yes and No... absolutely I would never have dreamed of trying to veto any of my husbands choices - but if I had a son and he wasn't even considering him as a groomsman that would be a gamechanger for me.
I think it sends a message of the role the groom sees the boy playing in his life.

youre totally contradicting yourself there

NashD · 05-04-2019 3:57pm

Deleted User wrote: »

youre totally contradicting yourself there

How so?
Perhaps I used the wrong word - i understand Veto to mean "to block/remove".
If so apologies - I would never block or ask my husband to remove a choice he has made - I would be looking for inclusion of an additional person who we would be providing a suit and meal for either way so it's no extra cost.

GingerLily · 05-04-2019 4:03pm

Deleted User wrote: »

GingerLily wrote: »

Teenage boys can be very sensitive, I would be be very careful of making your son feel excluded, it's going to be such a significant day for him, it would be a shame if he felt left out

thats assuming a lot though

have you asked the lad if hes in any way bothered? i wouldnt have been at that age

You're the one assuming things from my post.

Teenage boys CAN be sensitive? I didn't say he would be, I just advised the OP to be careful?

I don't think your advice is constructive at all

Duffryman · 05-04-2019 4:17pm

Tombo2001 wrote: »

Additional point OP - you've come into this forum to ask the question. ERGO you are asking a large group of Women what they would do.

Ask a bunch of Men how they would feel about it. You will absolutely not get the same answer.

Just stumbled upon this thread myself as it showed up in ‘Recent Posts’ on the home page. Wouldn’t normally be in the weddings forum myself.

Anyway, this is true. Ask a bunch of men, and you’ll get a very different answer to asking a bunch of women. And a key difference is that all the men have been 15-year-old boys themselves.

If you don’t mind listening to an input from this man….something I have to wonder about is how you say you’ve three groomsmen and four bridesmaids already, and that since you’re on a budget, adding another groomsman (presumably you mean your son?) would be just too much.

But realistically…the extra cost of adding your son as a fourth is likely to be no more than €100 to rent another groomsman suit for the day. That’s peanuts in comparison to what you’re probably spending on four bridesmaids, between four dresses, four lots of hairdos and make-up, probably four gifts, and maybe even four pairs of shoes.

My view would be that if your budget extends to paying for all that for four different women, you should be able to find the cost of an extra suit rental for your son too, and have him as a groomsman after all. Assuming your fiancé is happy with the idea, of course. Men should be allowed some input into these things too!!

banie01 · 05-04-2019 4:30pm

Tombo2001 wrote: »

Additional point OP - you've come into this forum to ask the question. ERGO you are asking a large group of Women what they would do.

Ask a bunch of Men how they would feel about it. You will absolutely not get the same answer.

I never really thought I'd ever get the opportunity to say this and mean it...
But!
Did you just assume my Gender?!
As well as the gender of every poster on the weddings forum?

I'm male, and quite a few posters on this sub forum are.
A poster's gender should have no bearing on the weight afforded the advice unless the question is about tits or genitals!
Assuming a blanket response type due to gender is well...
For want of a better word quite sexist.

To the OP, I seconded advice offered on this thread to include your son.
Maybe by having him escort you down the aisle or some other means

I married when my son was 12, he was (Co) best man;
He was included in the stag party, we split the day into 2 so he could participate.
Activities earlier before he went home and the men had pints!

At our wedding he made a really beautiful speech, welcomed my wife to our family and was a great host.

When marrying someone with kids, the wedding isn't just about the "day"!
It's about uniting the bride, groom and kids into a new unit!
That's easiest done by being inclusive and giving every child who wants a part in the day,exactly that!
A part in making a family while and celebrating that with family and friends.

05-04-2019 4:58pm

GingerLily wrote: »

You're the one assuming things from my post.

Teenage boys CAN be sensitive? I didn't say he would be, I just advised the OP to be careful?

I don't think your advice is constructive at all

my advice was to ask the lad!

id say thats literally the most constructive thing to be done, everything else relies on projection of how he might feel about it.

and i only pointed out that having been a teenage lad meself, its not something that would have in any way bugged me. hardly an attack on anyone now.

yabadabado · 05-04-2019 5:04pm

OP how about you actually ask the lad if hed like to be involved and what role.

When I was his age I'd have zero interest being involved with the crap that goes on regards nonstop table of a wedding.

GingerLily · 05-04-2019 5:04pm

Deleted User wrote: »

and i only pointed out that having been a teenage lad meself, its not something that would have in any way bugged me. hardly an attack on anyone now.

Why jump down the throats of other advice though? Seems unnecessary?

I agree the OP should ask her son, but I think being a groomsman should be his decision!

Duffryman · 05-04-2019 5:18pm

yabadabado wrote: »

OP how about you actually ask the lad if hed like to be involved and what role.

When I was his age I'd have zero interest being involved with the crap that goes on regards nonstop table of a wedding.

A surefire example here of how, in general, men and women can have very different views when it comes to wedding arragements.

A 15-year-old girl in such a situation may well be very disappointed if she doesn’t get a role of some sort. A 15-year-old boy may very well not care at all. Don’t think I’d have been pushed myself about all that sort of pomp and ceremony when I was that age either.

Maybe OP’s son would rather not have a role at all, and she should definitely ask him, if she hasn’t done so already.

pooch90 · 05-04-2019 5:33pm

Assuming he wants to be involved a junior groomsman would be a lovely idea and minimal cost wise. Do you have 3 bridesmaids and now worrying about adding a 4th? If so, I wouldn't bother. He could walk your mother back down the aisle at the end of the ceremony or something? He probably wouldn't want to partake in the first dance with a BM anyway. Just make sure he feels part of it all. Like going for haircuts together, getting ready (would he rather be with you on the morning of?)

My husband had a 14 year old nephew when we got married. He did want to be involved. So we put him in charge of the 'ring warming' ceremony so he passed our rings around and then presented them to the celebrant. He was also in charge of the props for the photo booth and little bits like that. If it's a secular ceremony, maybe you could do a sand ceremony where he pours his own sand in along with you and your OH? Or give him the list of people needed for photos and he could round them up?

And RE the "it's the grooms choice who his groomsmen are" thing, if I had a son that my future husband never even considered including in his party, I'd be very wary of their relationship going forward. If my husband had a daughter there's no way I wouldn't have included her.

Big Bag of Chips · 05-04-2019 5:37pm

Do you already have 4 bridesmaids in mind or are you thinking if you have 4 men you must also have 4 women? How old is the nephew? I'm thinking walking down the aisle time, and first dance time. Is a 15/16/17 (however old he'll be) young fella going to want to link one of his mam's friends and waltz with her in front of a room full of people?

You can have 2 bridesmaids, a best man, a grooms man and 2 junior ushers or whatever you want them to be called. They can hand out booklets and welcome people. They can sit with the bridal party during the ceremony, they can be at the top table, and then they can breathe a sigh of relief when they don't have to dance with anyone for the cringiest part of the whole day

Sorry about that · 05-04-2019 5:44pm

yabadabado wrote: »

OP how about you actually ask the lad if hed like to be involved and what role.

When I was his age I'd have zero interest being involved with the crap that goes on regards nonstop table of a wedding.

Except it’s not just “a wedding”. His Mam is committing to a man who’s not his Dad, for the rest of her life. Just because he might not show it, it’s going to be a huge deal for him.

OP, please don’t casually ask him if he’d like to do something; it’s your job to have an important role chosen for him because he’s your son. No doubt the other people involved were asked properly. It’s only manners to do the same for him.

GarIT · 05-04-2019 5:54pm

If I was marrying someone that had a teenage+ kid of the same gender as me they would be best man or maid of honour. I wouldn't consider marrying someone if that wasn't the case for my daughter, she's MOH or there is no wedding.

Your son is becoming his stepson, he is the 3rd most important person in the wedding after the couple getting married.

Marrying someone who hasn't asked your son without being prompted is a huge betrayal of your son.

yabadabado · 05-04-2019 6:18pm

Sorry about that wrote: »

Except it’s not just “a wedding”. His Mam is committing to a man who’s not his Dad, for the rest of her life. Just because he might not show it, it’s going to be a huge deal for him.

OP, please don’t casually ask him if he’d like to do something; it’s your job to have an important role chosen for him because he’s your son. No doubt the other people involved were asked properly. It’s only manners to do the same for him.

You nor I have no idea if its a huge deal for him.Ask him if he would like to be involved,no need to treat him like a baby,he's 15 not a 6 year old.

Sit him down and have a proper conversation about it and see is he comfortable having a role to play or would he rather not.Why just choose an important role for him without actually asking him first,no one else would be treated like that.
Show him you know he is mature enough to make his own decision.

Shelli2 · 05-04-2019 6:33pm

My 11 year old son is ring bearer and my 15 year old step daughter is doing readings.
I asked her to be a bridesmaid but she's not very girly and didn't really fancy the dresses and make up etc.
It does suit as I only wanted the 2 bridesmaids really, but I would definitely have included her if she wanted. Kids are the most important!

We are also having a handfasting with many strands that different people wrap our hands with, great way to include all the important people.

ted1 · 05-04-2019 6:34pm

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

He could be the ring bearer. We had my nephew do that as he was upset that he had no role. We talked up the importance of it and even trusted him to mind the rings the night before and bring them to the ceremony.

Em son would take priority over a nephew...

Sorry about that · 05-04-2019 7:47pm

yabadabado wrote: »

You nor I have no idea if its a huge deal for him.Ask him if he would like to be involved,no need to treat him like a baby,he's 15 not a 6 year old.

Sit him down and have a proper conversation about it and see is he comfortable having a role to play or would he rather not.Why just choose an important role for him without actually asking him first,no one else would be treated like that.
Show him you know he is mature enough to make his own decision.

Because they chose roles for all the other people who were important to them. He can decline if he’s uncomfortable, but he’s a 15 year old boy, not a wedding planner.

Teyla Emmagan · 05-04-2019 8:13pm

You don't have to have 4 bridesmaids just because your husband has 4 groomsmen. And if you are on a budget I think 3 groomsmen is already 2 too many. Even if you weren't on a budget I would think it was too many. Walking you up the aisle would be a lovely idea. But ask your son what he wants to do first.

Pawwed Rig · 05-04-2019 9:14pm

Duffryman wrote: »

A 15-year-old girl in such a situation may well be very disappointed if she doesn’t get a role of some sort. A 15-year-old boy may very well not care at all. Don’t think I’d have been pushed myself about all that sort of pomp and ceremony when I was that age either.

Because all boys think the same?
It could also be the case that he says he doesn't care but actually does.
Offer him a role OP. If he wants to do it great.
If not then great too.

05-04-2019 11:53pm

GarIT wrote: »

If I was marrying someone that had a teenage+ kid of the same gender as me they would be best man or maid of honour. I wouldn't consider marrying someone if that wasn't the case for my daughter, she's MOH or there is no wedding.
.

I would completely disagree. The best man should be the person who the groom wants it to be, this should imo be a life long friend or a brother etc. someone who knows them over the years and who can tell a few stories etc. Someone who has known them years and shared life experiences over the years etc.

I see no reason to have a teenage boy as anything but a junior groomsman or a teenage girl as anything but a junior bridesmaid. Sure they can’t even go on the stag or hen, or organise the stag or hen etc so it’s totally over the top to “demand it” as you would. These sort of forced obligations are a terrible idea.

Duffryman · 06-04-2019 12:33am

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

Because all boys think the same?
It could also be the case that he says he doesn't care but actually does.
Offer him a role OP. If he wants to do it great.
If not then great too.

Please note the use of the word 'may'.

06-04-2019 1:13am

GingerLily wrote: »

Why jump down the throats of other advice though? Seems unnecessary?

I agree the OP should ask her son, but I think being a groomsman should be his decision!

totally unfair mischaracterisation. or can i now claim youre jumping down my throat?

i disagree that the OP or her son has any right to put pressure on the groom in what is one of the only decisions that is his alone in the entire event. it *definitely* shouldnt be the son's "decision" and it definitely isnt for her to ask him.

ive been a groomsman manys the time and i sincerely hope it was never because hed been told he had to ask me.

06-04-2019 1:17am

worth noting that the OP doesn't even really suggest theres a conflict here so mich as a budget constraint, so we're all just arguing a projected position!

GingerLily · 06-04-2019 11:09am

Deleted User wrote: »

worth noting that the OP doesn't even really suggest theres a conflict here so mich as a budget constraint, so we're all just arguing a projected position!

You're the one arguing....... everyone else is offering advice

GarIT · 06-04-2019 11:21am

Cedric Immense Injury wrote: »

I would completely disagree. The best man should be the person who the groom wants it to be, this should imo be a life long friend or a brother etc. someone who knows them over the years and who can tell a few stories etc. Someone who has known them years and shared life experiences over the years etc.

I see no reason to have a teenage boy as anything but a junior groomsman or a teenage girl as anything but a junior bridesmaid. Sure they can’t even go on the stag or hen, or organise the stag or hen etc so it’s totally over the top to “demand it” as you would. These sort of forced obligations are a terrible idea.

As I said in my last paragraph, I wouldn't marry someone who didn't want it to be my child. As you say "Someone who knows them over the years...", for example a child who they would have lived with for a few years and that they would have been putting effort into having a step-parent/step-child relationship with.

Things can sound very different when you say them differently. "a teenage boy" vs "the child who is becomoing my son on that day". I don't see why they can organise it, everything doesn't have to revolve around drink.

I don't think it would ever come to demanding it, I wouldn't get that far with someone who wasn't putting significantly more effort into building a relationship with my child than they are with me.

Where to put a 15 yr old boy in your wedding

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