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Child Item

Where to put a 15 yr old boy in your wedding

Busymum33

Im recently engaged and I have a 15 year old son (previous relationship) and I'm not sure where to put him in the wedding. My fiancee has 2 brothers and a nephew that he loves like his brothers which would make it 4 groomsman and 4 bridesmaids which is too much. (We are on a budget) Can anyone help me with this please...Its stressful! Thanks.

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[Deleted User]

GingerLily wrote: »

You're the one assuming things from my post.

Teenage boys CAN be sensitive? I didn't say he would be, I just advised the OP to be careful?

I don't think your advice is constructive at all

my advice was to ask the lad!

id say thats literally the most constructive thing to be done, everything else relies on projection of how he might feel about it.

and i only pointed out that having been a teenage lad meself, its not something that would have in any way bugged me. hardly an attack on anyone now.

yabadabado

OP how about you actually ask the lad if hed like to be involved and what role.

When I was his age I'd have zero interest being involved with the crap that goes on regards nonstop table of a wedding.

GingerLily

Deleted User wrote: »

and i only pointed out that having been a teenage lad meself, its not something that would have in any way bugged me. hardly an attack on anyone now.

Why jump down the throats of other advice though? Seems unnecessary?

I agree the OP should ask her son, but I think being a groomsman should be his decision!

Duffryman

yabadabado wrote: »

OP how about you actually ask the lad if hed like to be involved and what role.

When I was his age I'd have zero interest being involved with the crap that goes on regards nonstop table of a wedding.

A surefire example here of how, in general, men and women can have very different views when it comes to wedding arragements.

A 15-year-old girl in such a situation may well be very disappointed if she doesn’t get a role of some sort. A 15-year-old boy may very well not care at all. Don’t think I’d have been pushed myself about all that sort of pomp and ceremony when I was that age either.

Maybe OP’s son would rather not have a role at all, and she should definitely ask him, if she hasn’t done so already.

pooch90

Assuming he wants to be involved a junior groomsman would be a lovely idea and minimal cost wise. Do you have 3 bridesmaids and now worrying about adding a 4th? If so, I wouldn't bother. He could walk your mother back down the aisle at the end of the ceremony or something? He probably wouldn't want to partake in the first dance with a BM anyway. Just make sure he feels part of it all. Like going for haircuts together, getting ready (would he rather be with you on the morning of?)

My husband had a 14 year old nephew when we got married. He did want to be involved. So we put him in charge of the 'ring warming' ceremony so he passed our rings around and then presented them to the celebrant. He was also in charge of the props for the photo booth and little bits like that. If it's a secular ceremony, maybe you could do a sand ceremony where he pours his own sand in along with you and your OH? Or give him the list of people needed for photos and he could round them up?

And RE the "it's the grooms choice who his groomsmen are" thing, if I had a son that my future husband never even considered including in his party, I'd be very wary of their relationship going forward. If my husband had a daughter there's no way I wouldn't have included her.

Big Bag of Chips

Do you already have 4 bridesmaids in mind or are you thinking if you have 4 men you must also have 4 women? How old is the nephew? I'm thinking walking down the aisle time, and first dance time. Is a 15/16/17 (however old he'll be) young fella going to want to link one of his mam's friends and waltz with her in front of a room full of people?

You can have 2 bridesmaids, a best man, a grooms man and 2 junior ushers or whatever you want them to be called. They can hand out booklets and welcome people. They can sit with the bridal party during the ceremony, they can be at the top table, and then they can breathe a sigh of relief when they don't have to dance with anyone for the cringiest part of the whole day

Sorry about that

yabadabado wrote: »

OP how about you actually ask the lad if hed like to be involved and what role.

When I was his age I'd have zero interest being involved with the crap that goes on regards nonstop table of a wedding.

Except it’s not just “a wedding”. His Mam is committing to a man who’s not his Dad, for the rest of her life. Just because he might not show it, it’s going to be a huge deal for him.

OP, please don’t casually ask him if he’d like to do something; it’s your job to have an important role chosen for him because he’s your son. No doubt the other people involved were asked properly. It’s only manners to do the same for him.

GarIT

If I was marrying someone that had a teenage+ kid of the same gender as me they would be best man or maid of honour. I wouldn't consider marrying someone if that wasn't the case for my daughter, she's MOH or there is no wedding.

Your son is becoming his stepson, he is the 3rd most important person in the wedding after the couple getting married.

Marrying someone who hasn't asked your son without being prompted is a huge betrayal of your son.

yabadabado

Sorry about that wrote: »

Except it’s not just “a wedding”. His Mam is committing to a man who’s not his Dad, for the rest of her life. Just because he might not show it, it’s going to be a huge deal for him.

OP, please don’t casually ask him if he’d like to do something; it’s your job to have an important role chosen for him because he’s your son. No doubt the other people involved were asked properly. It’s only manners to do the same for him.

You nor I have no idea if its a huge deal for him.Ask him if he would like to be involved,no need to treat him like a baby,he's 15 not a 6 year old.

Sit him down and have a proper conversation about it and see is he comfortable having a role to play or would he rather not.Why just choose an important role for him without actually asking him first,no one else would be treated like that.
Show him you know he is mature enough to make his own decision.

Shelli2

My 11 year old son is ring bearer and my 15 year old step daughter is doing readings.
I asked her to be a bridesmaid but she's not very girly and didn't really fancy the dresses and make up etc.
It does suit as I only wanted the 2 bridesmaids really, but I would definitely have included her if she wanted. Kids are the most important!

We are also having a handfasting with many strands that different people wrap our hands with, great way to include all the important people.

ted1

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

He could be the ring bearer. We had my nephew do that as he was upset that he had no role. We talked up the importance of it and even trusted him to mind the rings the night before and bring them to the ceremony.

Em son would take priority over a nephew...

Sorry about that

yabadabado wrote: »

You nor I have no idea if its a huge deal for him.Ask him if he would like to be involved,no need to treat him like a baby,he's 15 not a 6 year old.

Sit him down and have a proper conversation about it and see is he comfortable having a role to play or would he rather not.Why just choose an important role for him without actually asking him first,no one else would be treated like that.
Show him you know he is mature enough to make his own decision.

Because they chose roles for all the other people who were important to them. He can decline if he’s uncomfortable, but he’s a 15 year old boy, not a wedding planner.

Teyla Emmagan

You don't have to have 4 bridesmaids just because your husband has 4 groomsmen. And if you are on a budget I think 3 groomsmen is already 2 too many. Even if you weren't on a budget I would think it was too many. Walking you up the aisle would be a lovely idea. But ask your son what he wants to do first.

Pawwed Rig

Duffryman wrote: »

A 15-year-old girl in such a situation may well be very disappointed if she doesn’t get a role of some sort. A 15-year-old boy may very well not care at all. Don’t think I’d have been pushed myself about all that sort of pomp and ceremony when I was that age either.

Because all boys think the same?
It could also be the case that he says he doesn't care but actually does.
Offer him a role OP. If he wants to do it great.
If not then great too.

[Deleted User]

GarIT wrote: »

If I was marrying someone that had a teenage+ kid of the same gender as me they would be best man or maid of honour. I wouldn't consider marrying someone if that wasn't the case for my daughter, she's MOH or there is no wedding.
.

I would completely disagree. The best man should be the person who the groom wants it to be, this should imo be a life long friend or a brother etc. someone who knows them over the years and who can tell a few stories etc. Someone who has known them years and shared life experiences over the years etc.

I see no reason to have a teenage boy as anything but a junior groomsman or a teenage girl as anything but a junior bridesmaid. Sure they can’t even go on the stag or hen, or organise the stag or hen etc so it’s totally over the top to “demand it” as you would. These sort of forced obligations are a terrible idea.

Duffryman

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

Because all boys think the same?
It could also be the case that he says he doesn't care but actually does.
Offer him a role OP. If he wants to do it great.
If not then great too.

Please note the use of the word 'may'.

[Deleted User]

GingerLily wrote: »

Why jump down the throats of other advice though? Seems unnecessary?

I agree the OP should ask her son, but I think being a groomsman should be his decision!

totally unfair mischaracterisation. or can i now claim youre jumping down my throat?

i disagree that the OP or her son has any right to put pressure on the groom in what is one of the only decisions that is his alone in the entire event. it *definitely* shouldnt be the son's "decision" and it definitely isnt for her to ask him.

ive been a groomsman manys the time and i sincerely hope it was never because hed been told he had to ask me.

[Deleted User]

worth noting that the OP doesn't even really suggest theres a conflict here so mich as a budget constraint, so we're all just arguing a projected position!

GingerLily

Deleted User wrote: »

worth noting that the OP doesn't even really suggest theres a conflict here so mich as a budget constraint, so we're all just arguing a projected position!

You're the one arguing....... everyone else is offering advice

GarIT

Cedric Immense Injury wrote: »

I would completely disagree. The best man should be the person who the groom wants it to be, this should imo be a life long friend or a brother etc. someone who knows them over the years and who can tell a few stories etc. Someone who has known them years and shared life experiences over the years etc.

I see no reason to have a teenage boy as anything but a junior groomsman or a teenage girl as anything but a junior bridesmaid. Sure they can’t even go on the stag or hen, or organise the stag or hen etc so it’s totally over the top to “demand it” as you would. These sort of forced obligations are a terrible idea.

As I said in my last paragraph, I wouldn't marry someone who didn't want it to be my child. As you say "Someone who knows them over the years...", for example a child who they would have lived with for a few years and that they would have been putting effort into having a step-parent/step-child relationship with.

Things can sound very different when you say them differently. "a teenage boy" vs "the child who is becomoing my son on that day". I don't see why they can organise it, everything doesn't have to revolve around drink.

I don't think it would ever come to demanding it, I wouldn't get that far with someone who wasn't putting significantly more effort into building a relationship with my child than they are with me.

Big Bag of Chips

My sister married a man with teenagers. He has raised them alone since they were babies. She has lived with them since they were around 4/5. He didn't even have his own son as bestman. He was a groomsman however.

And she had his daughter as a bridesmaid, but not MOH.

Faith

Mod note: Gingerlily and snoopsheep, either stop bickering or stop posting on the thread. Your choice.

JustAThought

I wouldnt necessarily muddy the traditional and very emotional roles of new husband/first dance or father of the bride/walking up the aisle but I would find a way to say or show him he was very important. A part in the male bridal party would be easy and obvious particularly given that there is already nephews HIS AGE taking part - no point in him feeling isolated by age or like a spare part - and as you are spending all this money on family and friends meals and wine and desert the least you can do is spend on your sons special suit or buttonhole or whatever. Just do it. If he wants an extra role ask him if he does and what - readings at the Church, inclusion in bridal party special photos with the 3 of you and mother & son and step dad & son etc. You havn't mentioned his original father -is he on the scene or part of it at all - well worth a conversation in case there is something going on in his head you'd need to speak about. As it is if he knows he has no rol and is substituted below nephews who are 'adored' and excluded in lieu of them at his own mothers wedding he must be either very chill or a cauldron of issues. If I'd been so publically excluded I certainly would be.

[Deleted User]

GarIT wrote: »

As I said in my last paragraph, I wouldn't marry someone who didn't want it to be my child. As you say "Someone who knows them over the years...", for example a child who they would have lived with for a few years and that they would have been putting effort into having a step-parent/step-child relationship with.

Things can sound very different when you say them differently. "a teenage boy" vs "the child who is becomoing my son on that day". I don't see why they can organise it, everything doesn't have to revolve around drink.

I don't think it would ever come to demanding it, I wouldn't get that far with someone who wasn't putting significantly more effort into building a relationship with my child than they are with me.

The relationship between a stepfather and their step child is totally different to friendships over the years with peers. I simply don’t think best man is a role for a teenager, it’s a role for a peer of the groom who has many shared experiences etc over the years.

It’s an outrageous position to take that you would refuse to marry someone if they wouldn’t take your son/daughter as their best man/maid of honor. The person likely has a best friend or sibling that they want to stand beside them on the day not a teenager who of course they will love etc but may not want them to have the position of bestman. They can be a grooms man or junior groomsman if it’s work out ok but even then I don’t think they necessary need to be involved at the top table at all, at the end of the day groomsmen and bridesmaids almost always come from brides or grooms own side and don’t cross over.

And yes a stag is all about the craic and drinking and no place for a teenager to even go near.

Tombo2001

NashD wrote: »

Yes and No... absolutely I would never have dreamed of trying to veto any of my husbands choices - but if I had a son and he wasn't even considering him as a groomsman that would be a gamechanger for me.
I think it sends a message of the role the groom sees the boy playing in his life.

Right - so if I am hearing you right; your message to OP is - bring it up with your husband to be, if he doesnt like it - then thats (in your opinion) a game changer. All bets are off.

V helpful at this point in proceedings.....

c6ysaphjvqw41k

tretorn wrote: »

Groomsman is the grooms choice and its usually someone from his side of the family.

Would you be happy if he wanted a daughter of his to be your bridesmaid.

If you are marrying him and he has a daughter, you are marrying into that too. I'd say you might want to rethink that marriage if you didn't want the daughter to be a bridesmaid.

BookNerd

Tombo2001 wrote: »

Right - so if I am hearing you right; your message to OP is - bring it up with your husband to be, if he doesnt like it - then thats (in your opinion) a game changer. All bets are off.

V helpful at this point in proceedings.....

Each to their own. I personally would be doubting my future with someone who wouldn't even entertain having their future stepchild (my child) in their wedding party if it was something the child wanted.
Likewise I don't think my partner would be best pleased if I refused to have his daughter in my bridal party, knowing how disappointed and left out she would feel if she wasn't part of the wedding other than as a guest.

Some children won't care and won't want to be part of things. Some would be extremely disappointed to be left out of their parent and step parents day. Only the OP knows which her son is and if he is the latter then I think her future husband should make every effort to start this new family off on the best, most inclusive foot.

Mrsmum

In my opinion, teenager in this case should be top priority in this wedding. The bride and groom are the main characters but if they are anything but immature, they should consider the child who is not some sort of random child but son of bride and stepson to be of groom as highly as themselves. Bride is not coming on her own to the marriage, she and her child come as a package. Groom needs to totally understand that and imo should show it by giving young man pick of jobs. Son is obviously of the highest importance to the bride, therefore should be of highest importance to groom. Nobody's nose should be out of joint because teenage son got top job. As adults they should understand the situation. That's my tuppensworth.

Busymum33

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/109856621#Comment_109856621

Hi, Just to give an update. Our original wedding was cancelled 3 times (Covid) so we ended up doing a very small hotel ceromany and my son walked me up the isle and was my witness. He loved it and so did I. By the way, the smaller the better for a wedding, we felt like we had more fun on the day and a lot less stress!

Thanks for all the replies.