Old housemate desperately wants to be friends

LegacyUser · 12-11-2020 10:05am #1

I'm in a weird situation right now. I'm a guy and lived with another guy in a house share for about 3 or 4 years, but we both went our separate ways a couple of years ago.

I'm sure a lot of you have been in house shares where you're friendly with your housemates, but are not friends. I could have lived with 20 different people over the past 10 years, but am only in contact with 1 or 2 of them now.

The thing about this guy is that he is a little bit unusual. I think he misses a lot of social cues. In fact it's quite hard to have a conversation with him. Anyone I know that has met him have the same impression. For instance, he met a friend of mine for maybe a couple of hours on a night out. A few days later he messages him to go on a holiday with him!

I know he is trying to be friendly and only means well, but I've absolutely no interest in being his friend. I'm not trying to be cruel, but there are people out there that you just don't click with. The problem is that he continually tries to message me to catch up. Every time I've said to him I'm busy or that I'm not able to meet, but he doesn't take the hint. He's now sent maybe 5 or 6 messages over a few months where I haven't responded but he doesn't seem to get that we're not friends.

I'm sure I'm coming across as callous, but I don't know what else to do but ignore him. I could tell him that I don't want to be friends, but that feels very strange and like I'm back in primary school.

There's also this worry that he doesn't have any friends and he's trying hard to make some. I don't know what his mental state is like, although he's always come across as happy go lucky, and if I shun him who knows how that will affect him.

What should I do?

Aloissus30 · 12-11-2020 7:59pm

You don't want to be friends with this guy and you are under no obligation to do so. He might be on the autism spectrum and not realise how over bearing he is. Unfortunately that's his responsibility to figure out, not yours. You haven't been responding anyways so why not block his number so you don't feel guilty when you see texts?

irishguy1983 · 12-11-2020 8:01pm

oldhousemate wrote: »

I'm in a weird situation right now. I'm a guy and lived with another guy in a house share for about 3 or 4 years, but we both went our separate ways a couple of years ago.

I'm sure a lot of you have been in house shares where you're friendly with your housemates, but are not friends. I could have lived with 20 different people over the past 10 years, but am only in contact with 1 or 2 of them now.

The thing about this guy is that he is a little bit unusual. I think he misses a lot of social cues. In fact it's quite hard to have a conversation with him. Anyone I know that has met him have the same impression. For instance, he met a friend of mine for maybe a couple of hours on a night out. A few days later he messages him to go on a holiday with him!

I know he is trying to be friendly and only means well, but I've absolutely no interest in being his friend. I'm not trying to be cruel, but there are people out there that you just don't click with. The problem is that he continually tries to message me to catch up. Every time I've said to him I'm busy or that I'm not able to meet, but he doesn't take the hint. He's now sent maybe 5 or 6 messages over a few months where I haven't responded but he doesn't seem to get that we're not friends.

I'm sure I'm coming across as callous, but I don't know what else to do but ignore him. I could tell him that I don't want to be friends, but that feels very strange and like I'm back in primary school.

There's also this worry that he doesn't have any friends and he's trying hard to make some. I don't know what his mental state is like, although he's always come across as happy go lucky, and if I shun him who knows how that will affect him.

What should I do?

Difficult one! Do your best - remember he has a Mum and Dad worried about him - I know that sounds a bit cheesy but do your best! Sounds like you are

dmm82 · 12-11-2020 8:21pm

Definitely a difficult one. It sounds like he could have learning needs/ be on the spectrum. I would feel bad about being too blunt with him as he sounds like he is lonely or desperate for friends. Hard to know how best to deal with him but maybe just make an excuse that you're busy with work/ family etc and won't have time to meet up anytime soon and hope he takes the hint?

Purple Mountain · 13-11-2020 2:12am

I think with the Covid situation now, you could get a few months out of that excuse.
Even when lockdown is lifted, you could say you are still being cautious and limiting your social interactions to the bare minimum.
Or you could just do as you have been doing and ignore his messages or as someone said, block him.
Bottom line, you do not want to be his friend and there's nothing wrong with you choosing not to be.

yosser hughes · 13-11-2020 8:11am

Why don't you reply to him? Ignoring his messages is cowardly.
Give him a call and talk.

road_high · 13-11-2020 8:16am

What harm a feW texts back and forth? Seriously, nothing wrong with making space for people in your life they might really need it.

TheadoreT · 13-11-2020 9:14am

yosser hughes wrote: »

Why don't you reply to him? Ignoring his messages is cowardly.
Give him a call and talk.

You can only say no to invites a certain amount of times in a row where it should become obvious to the person that you're not interested. If it doesnt you have to stop replying. I knew someone just like this. Give them the smallest inch and it would renew a flurry of texts. It was never a casual conversation, was always straight to asking about interest in a holiday or similar, where it becomes very awkward very quick.

It's often sensitive whereby if they have a condition you cant just come out and say I dont want to be your friend, stop hassling me please. The hard ignore is the only tactic and 10-20 unreplied messages later he should get the message eventually.

munstergirl · 13-11-2020 11:33am

Just pick up the phone and tell your ex friend, I wish you the best but can't be friends anymore.

Or send them a text.

Or you can ignore/ghost them, pretty immature and mean.

dmm82 · 13-11-2020 11:54am

munstergirl wrote: »

Just pick up the phone and tell your ex friend, I wish you the best but can't be friends anymore.

Or send them a text.

Or you can ignore/ghost them, pretty immature and mean.

I think this could be quite cruel/ damaging if the person does have additional needs. I say this as the mum of a son who has learning needs and would be quite socially immature. He would be heartbroken and not understand why a person would not want to be his friend.

I understand that you do not want to continue the friendship but I think it would be kinder to just not be available and hope that it fizzles out

KaneToad · 13-11-2020 11:56am

I definitely wouldn't be telling someone that I don't want to be their friend.

I would just not be friendly towards them.

No need to overcomplicate things.

munstergirl · 13-11-2020 12:09pm

dmm82 wrote: »

I think this could be quite cruel/ damaging if the person does have additional needs. I say this as the mum of a son who has learning needs and would be quite socially immature. He would be heartbroken and not understand why a person would not want to be his friend.

I understand that you do not want to continue the friendship but I think it would be kinder to just not be available and hope that it fizzles out

Some people are cruel & mean but the op has been ignoring his "friend" for months, he's not a child, it's horrible when someone doesn't want to be your friend but it's even worse to be friends with a fake friend.

The op could send a nice text wishing his "friend" the best for the future blah blah.

Or he can keep ignoring him, which is just as cruel and mean. It might never fizzle out.

I'm not saying the OP is cruel & mean just some people are.

LilacNails · 13-11-2020 12:12pm

road_high wrote: »

What harm a feW texts back and forth? Seriously, nothing wrong with making space for people in your life they might really need it.

There has been harm done through. The person is clearly crossing the op's boundaries, and cannot take the hint that the op doesn't want or have the same desire for a friendship. It is annoying, draining and very off putting. The op doesnt own him anything. This person clearly cannot pick up or recognise boundaries.

LilacNails · 13-11-2020 12:38pm

Op I was in the same boat, but mine was an extended family member. They would be known as over bearing, anxious and intense. I met up with them whenever they might be in my area and would reply to texts.

I just didn't feel comfortable in their company as they were so needy and desperate to be like "BFFs". Of course I had pity for them, and felt horrible of what I thought of them. I wished they had other people to connect with, but because I was a family member, and only 1 of very few that would meet up it was just so uncomfortable. Other people had cut contact with them, I felt so guilty but I couldn't help the dread that came over my when ever they got in contact.

There were times when I wouldn't tb or initiate contact hoping they would get the hint. A few times they would " Loose" My number and the last time it happened I didn't give it to them (over fb messenger) I felt awful but I just couldn't take anymore. Few days later they managed to "find it" And continually text me, even when I didn't tb.

I eventually came clear and told them I found there constant contact over bearing and crossed my boundaries. I can't remember everything I said, but I kept it straight forward and honest. I felt horrible and guilty.

They text back saying how upset they were, how hurt etc I felt awful and apologised but told them I had to be honest. They became a bit abusive and told me god was watching me and karma comes around. I blocked them straight away and tbh it brought relief.

I wasnt trying to hurt or be cruel to them. I felt so bad but at the end of the day they drained me and were expecting too much, I couldn't give what they were looking for. Honestly and truth can hurt, but sometimes it just has to be told.

robbiezero · 13-11-2020 1:48pm

Maybe do the kind thing and send the odd message and maybe meet up for a few hours once a month.

Could make a big difference to someone who might be sad, lonely and struggling.

punisher5112 · 13-11-2020 1:53pm

Move out of the country....

Yeah it's a tough one but honestly not up to you to be worrying about.

We can't take on everyone else's problems.

Totally up to you how you handle it, your too busy with work and home issues etc etc....

Jimson · 13-11-2020 2:00pm

With people like that your only option is to block them or tell them or ignore them.

If it was me I'd just ignore them till they got the hint.

bottlebrush · 13-11-2020 2:25pm

Whatever his reasons for continuing to text you when you reply that you are too busy or ignore his messages, the bottom line is that he is persistent . My concern would be if you do meet up with him, then what next? He suggests going on holidays with him and now you are in a position of coming up with reasons not to go on holidays with him. Or concerts or football matches or whatever.
You spent enough time in shared accommodation together for you to know that you dont click with him and if you think that is not going to change then I think the best thing or both of youwould be to let it fizzle out.

LegacyUser · 13-11-2020 3:12pm

I did wonder if he was somewhat on the spectrum. I'm no psychologist but his behaviour is far from the norm. He attempts to socialise and it does he is keen to make friends. He's a part of a few social groups, but maybe it's been lacking as of late because of Covid.

Seems like there is no clear consensus as to what to do.

I know some of you are saying what's the harm in sending one or two messages and meeting once a month, but would you actually want to do that if you were in the same position? Spending an hour or two with someone that you feel awkward around? The only reason I'm in this position was because I happened to share a house with him and was friendly with him while he was there. There's no connection between us anymore. He's just an ex-housemate.

That being said, I've no ill will against him, despite how it sounds! I don't want to hurt his feelings, but it seems like no matter what I do he's going to be disappointed. He has lately tried to call me and is leaving voicemail messages. And the weird thing is that he just asks how I am and wants to meet for a catch up, as if I hadn't been ignoring any of his messages to date.

As I say, I don't know what his mental state is like. This is going to sound a bit crazy, but there's a slight fear that he could be angry if we did meet up. There's no reason to think he'd be violent (he's never been in all the years I lived with him) but the fact that his social behaviour is not normal I'm not sure what he could do.

I'm starting to think the best thing to do is to continue to ignore him and hope that I never bump into him on the street.

freshpopcorn · 13-11-2020 4:05pm

I know people in your position OP and have been in the past.
There was some lad and he was a bit lost and lonely.
Most people I know tipped along with the person and met them the odd time and sent them the odd few messages here and there.
I think we were just trying to be nice to person and felt sorry for them.
So if I was in your position I’d try and tip along with him once he didn’t get overly intense and you felt safe with them.

A trick I found was to try and get them involved in something where they could met a like minded person.

Obviously now things are different with Covid.

punisher5112 · 13-11-2020 6:14pm

oldhousemate wrote: »

I did wonder if he was somewhat on the spectrum. I'm no psychologist but his behaviour is far from the norm. He attempts to socialise and it does he is keen to make friends. He's a part of a few social groups, but maybe it's been lacking as of late because of Covid.

Seems like there is no clear consensus as to what to do.

I know some of you are saying what's the harm in sending one or two messages and meeting once a month, but would you actually want to do that if you were in the same position? Spending an hour or two with someone that you feel awkward around? The only reason I'm in this position was because I happened to share a house with him and was friendly with him while he was there. There's no connection between us anymore. He's just an ex-housemate.

That being said, I've no ill will against him, despite how it sounds! I don't want to hurt his feelings, but it seems like no matter what I do he's going to be disappointed. He has lately tried to call me and is leaving voicemail messages. And the weird thing is that he just asks how I am and wants to meet for a catch up, as if I hadn't been ignoring any of his messages to date.

As I say, I don't know what his mental state is like. This is going to sound a bit crazy, but there's a slight fear that he could be angry if we did meet up. There's no reason to think he'd be violent (he's never been in all the years I lived with him) but the fact that his social behaviour is not normal I'm not sure what he could do.

I'm starting to think the best thing to do is to continue to ignore him and hope that I never bump into him on the street.

Change numbers and go off social media or block him and clean up your friend group etc on same....

It's extreme but then no worries on your end. Anything ever comes of it you just say lost it or whatever.

tara73 · 13-11-2020 11:11pm

oldhousemate wrote: »

He has lately tried to call me and is leaving voicemail messages. And the weird thing is that he just asks how I am and wants to meet for a catch up, as if I hadn't been ignoring any of his messages to date.

First I thought ignoring is the best way to go and sooner or later he will get the hint, but after this, for me, it's a form of molestation, and doesn't matter whether he's on the spectrum or not.

It's your wellbeing and you clearly feel uncomfortable by it. No way meet him and play along or something, it will only get worse and you are dragged into the weirdness and it will get more and more difficult and draining to get out of it. You are no martyr or need to sacrifice yourself if you feel that uncomfortable with him.

I would send him a text, a message, no direct phone call, and tell him you don't wish any contact anymore, but wish him all the best for the future. that's it, then block him.
Don't feel cruel or guilty for it, he needs to find other people/friends.

cloudatlas · 14-11-2020 1:11am

This isn't your responsibility and I think you should ignore and block as harsh as it is, the longer this is left the worse it will be.

The people trying to 'tip' along with someone are ultimately cruel because they aren't offering real friendship and are just wasting the time of the person who could be spending time with real friends. Instead they are walking around thinking that those people are their friends when they aren't. Also I think people who do this do it to feel good about themselves so they can brag about helping the person which is just awful.

Airyfairy12 · 14-11-2020 2:26pm

Ordinarily id suggest meeting up with him every once in a while for a coffee or a pint, sure whats the harm? and its nice to be nice. But in this circumstance, it sounds like he is quite needy, possessive and very full on. Its unfortunate that he has no friends and it may be whats causing him to act so overtly forward, maybe if given the chance and included now and again he might chill out a bit, it might calm his insecurities but it could go the other way and he could easily become an annoyance.

I wouldnt tell him you dont want to be friends, that sort of rejection could be very damaging, particularly for someone who already is lonely and has no friends. Theres so much stigma around not having friends, he probably already feels like there is something deeply wrong with himself, I wouldnt want to be the person to rub salt into that wound.

eleventh · 14-11-2020 2:56pm

OP, I think this guy is most likely in the wrong to be messaging you when you haven't replied (depending how frequent the messages are etc), but you have to consider that he did believe you two to be friends at some point, otherwise the behaviour makes no sense.

I would say you have to send the guy a simple message saying something like, sorry I'm too busy, I can't be friends. And leave it at that.

I think the problem is he just doesn't understand the behaviour, and maybe that's something you should look at as well... If you're friendly with people, there is a chance friendship develops.
Personally, I would not be friendly beyond small talk or things work-related if it's work etc, if I wasn't open to the idea of friendship.
So for example, if you were talking about family or personal life stuff, you crossed a boundary from acquaintance to possible friend, and now you want to get out of it.
If that's the case, I think blocking him without a message would be wrong and cowardly - you owe him a quick message so he knows where he stands and can move on. My bet is if you send that message, you won't hear from him again.

Katgurl · 14-11-2020 2:57pm

Ah this is very sad. He definitely can't read social cues and is lonely.

Could you try taking a (slightly dishonest) kind approach to draw a line so you know you have been clear that you won't be answering?

"Hi, I know you have left me some messages that I haven't responded to and I wanted to explain. I've a lot going on at the moment and not really available for meeting up or staying in touch. Nothing personal to you, I'm trying to be honest with people. Mind yourself."

Wanderer78 · 14-11-2020 3:00pm

Katgurl wrote: »

Ah this is very sad. He definitely can't read social cues and is lonely.

Could you try taking a (slightly dishonest) kind approach to draw a line so you know you have been clear that you won't be answering?

"Hi, I know you have left me some messages that I haven't responded to and I wanted to explain. I've a lot going on at the moment and not really available for meeting up or staying in touch. Nothing personal to you, I'm trying to be honest with people. Mind yourself."

this is probably the best way of dealing with this, it certainly sounds like this chap is autistic, covid is causing mayhem for everyone, but us spectrumors are highly susceptible to high levels of anxiety, and of course theres issues such as loneliness, please be compassionate, its a very difficult time for everyone

eleventh · 14-11-2020 3:05pm

Katgurl wrote: »

Could you try taking a (slightly dishonest) kind approach to draw a line so you know you have been clear that you won't be answering?

"Hi, I know you have left me some messages that I haven't responded to and I wanted to explain. I've a lot going on at the moment and not really available for meeting up or staying in touch. Nothing personal to you, I'm trying to be honest with people. Mind yourself."

That just leaves the door open to contact again in a year or month's time.
Honesty is the best policy (Deception on top of deception solves nothing).

Aloissus30 · 14-11-2020 4:00pm

oldhousemate wrote: »

I know some of you are saying what's the harm in sending one or two messages and meeting once a month, but would you actually want to do that if you were in the same position? Spending an hour or two with someone that you feel awkward around? The only reason I'm in this position was because I happened to share a house with him and was friendly with him while he was there. There's no connection between us anymore. He's just an ex-housemate.

The harm in sending messages and meeting once a month is he will think you are friends and ramp up his contact which will drive you nuts. It's a sensitive situation and I feel bad for him but it's not your responsibility to sort out his life. There's a saying "you shouldn't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm". You were housemates at one time. Nothing more. It's not like he is a friend from your childhood that you're suddenly ignoring.

Some people think you are being cowardly by not telling him outright you don't want a friendship. Others think it would be cruel to tell him flat out. I'm in that camp. If he isn't neurotypical it could be very damaging to hear you don't want to be his friend. He clearly doesn't understand boundaries or social cues. Blocking him is probably what's best for both of you. It might sound cruel to some but you can't pretend to be his friend out of pity or guilt.

LegacyUser · 14-11-2020 4:05pm

This thread makes me feel sad. I've been in the position before of the roommate. I wanted friends and it didn't work out. Be careful how you handle this. My advice to OP is to send a clear, message to the old roommate explaining that you don't wish to be friends. Ripping the band aid off so to speak

tara73 · 14-11-2020 5:03pm

beentheremyselfsituation wrote: »

My advice to OP is to send a clear, message to the old roommate explaining that you don't wish to be friends. Ripping the band aid off so to speak

this. there's a saying where I'm from originally: better an end with cruelty than cruelty without an end.

lainey_d_123 · 14-11-2020 11:55pm

I feel bad for the guy...sounds like he's on the spectrum and really has no idea whether other people like him back.

I have always had similar issues. I never used to make the first move or invite anyone anywhere or suggest a meetup in case the other person felt like I was bothering them, so I used to wait to be invited, and then I got a reputation for being stuck up and not making an effort. People would tell me to just reach out to people and invite them to do stuff and not be so paranoid and negative. Then I tried to make an effort and ended up in a good few situations where I was clearly just being tolerated, and felt really stupid for misreading the situation and thinking the person wanted to be friends.

I think someone ignoring messages would be a clear signal to me that they weren't interested in meeting but for someone further along the spectrum, they might just think you're busy or hadn't gone the messages. I would send a pleasant but blunt message saying you're super busy and unfortunately won't have time to meet up. Anything else is essentially stringing him along.

JustAThought · 15-11-2020 3:19am

The OP sounds like a decent guy and not someone who is intentionally cruel. We were all taught in school to include someone who might be left out - what is so awful about being occasionally kind and sending a text, or meeting between work and commute or other ‘appointments’ for a beer or a sndwich ever three or four months. They
guy dosn’t want to be isolated and was relatively normal for the few years they spent aharing together. I wouldn’t like to
think I was a burden in friends or they hated me ao much they would send me a text saying ho away or I never want to see you gain - no matter how that was worded - it is a really cruel thing to do and could be very damaging. The papers and social media are full of stories of lonliness and pieta house and world kindness day and mindfullness etc - they guy is trying to keep a connection from someone he shared with for 4 years - he is not some stranger or stalker off a plane. A belated text every now & than would cost what - 20cent - and the covid is a good excuse to not meet up for a few months - they guy probably has few friends and is trying not to lose contact or become isolated. This dosn’t mean he is mentally ill, handicapped, autistic or any other faux diagnosis the internet makes up for
him - it just makes him a normal
person who seeks human kindness and a few shared sentences ever two or three weeks with someone he lived with for almost half a decade. That does not make him a freak.

OP - distant, but not too distant and a little minimum effort and basic human kindness could go a long way.

dmm82 · 15-11-2020 9:40am

JustAThought wrote: »

The OP sounds like a decent guy and not someone who is intentionally cruel. We were all taught in school to include someone who might be left out - what is so awful about being occasionally kind and sending a text, or meeting between work and commute or other ‘appointments’ for a beer or a sndwich ever three or four months. They
guy dosn’t want to be isolated and was relatively normal for the few years they spent aharing together. I wouldn’t like to
think I was a burden in friends or they hated me ao much they would send me a text saying ho away or I never want to see you gain - no matter how that was worded - it is a really cruel thing to do and could be very damaging. The papers and social media are full of stories of lonliness and pieta house and world kindness day and mindfullness etc - they guy is trying to keep a connection from someone he shared with for 4 years - he is not some stranger or stalker off a plane. A belated text every now & than would cost what - 20cent - and the covid is a good excuse to not meet up for a few months - they guy probably has few friends and is trying not to lose contact or become isolated. This dosn’t mean he is mentally ill, handicapped, autistic or any other faux diagnosis the internet makes up for
him - it just makes him a normal
person who seeks human kindness and a few shared sentences ever two or three weeks with someone he lived with for almost half a decade. That does not make him a freak.

OP - distant, but not too distant and a little minimum effort and basic human kindness could go a long way.

This. Literally this. My heart is breaking a little bit in this thread and its so good to see there is still some humanity out there

Skibunny77 · 15-11-2020 9:58am

We have lost so much of our sense of community, looking out for each other & all of our social interactions are judged on how much they fulfill our own needs. The me me me culture in action. Have been lucky to have a gang of friends who have invited people 'on the fringes' out with us. It never killed any of us to be inclusive & while yes it can change the easy dynamic between us all sometimes, so what?

OP you seem like a nice guy. Would it kill you to meet this guy for a coffee once or twice a year? See it as an act of kindness if you need to - or are we past doing unselfish things if it feels like 'work' to us?

I have an older family member who is eccentric/mild intellectual disability but was adopted years ago by a decent gang of male friends. They do their own thing, but always invite him out for a regular pint, especially around Xmas. It means everything to him. We have often commented that these days he would be left completely isolated & excluded. This thread appears to confirm that suspicion.

cloudatlas · 15-11-2020 1:47pm

I reckon that if the people asking the OP to meet with this guy actually sat down and thought about meeting someone who they know irritates them for an hour twice a month and then receiving constant texts there after about expected regular meets they honestly would not do it. I mean this is leading someone on and keeping things going to an insane degree. The OP is not a social worker, this guy has family, he has people to spend time with and to be in touch with.

I have been in this situation before, someone I knew casually and suddenly they wanted me to visit them in hospital and things were emotionally dependence wise escalating way beyond what I thought our level of acquaintance was, I only knew them because I attended the same club and we didn't have a deep and reciprocal friendship.

If the OP doesn't ignore the texts this will never end and he will be tied up in preforming a community work service every month that he never signed up for and be further obligated to this individual. Yes, it's sad but the poster above began to realise that people felt sorry for him and that's also not pleasant or kind. I wouldn't send a harsh text I would just stop replying as it sounds like these texts are frequent and unwarranted.

s1ippy · 15-11-2020 2:01pm

Skibunny77 wrote: »

We have lost so much of our sense of community, looking out for each other & all of our social interactions are judged on how much they fulfill our own needs. The me me me culture in action. Have been lucky to have a gang of friends who have invited people 'on the fringes' out with us. It never killed any of us to be inclusive & while yes it can change the easy dynamic between us all sometimes, so what?

OP you seem like a nice guy. Would it kill you to meet this guy for a coffee once or twice a year? See it as an act of kindness if you need to - or are we past doing unselfish things if it feels like 'work' to us?

I have an older family member who is eccentric/mild intellectual disability but was adopted years ago by a decent gang of male friends. They do their own thing, but always invite him out for a regular pint, especially around Xmas. It means everything to him. We have often commented that these days he would be left completely isolated & excluded. This thread appears to confirm that suspicion.

We're the same. There's always loads of eccentrics around and we love having them, livens up proceedings. Tbh any sesh at all would be a welcome one right now so I'd take a room full of the weirdest people you've ever known if it meant a night out without covid.

ILoveYourVibes · 15-11-2020 10:14pm

s1ippy wrote: »

We're the same. There's always loads of eccentrics around and we love having them, livens up proceedings. Tbh any sesh at all would be a welcome one right now so I'd take a room full of the weirdest people you've ever known if it meant a night out without covid.

You don't ask someone to go on holiday with you within hrs of meeting them unless you have no one else to go with.

To do so regularly would be dangerous.

& all of our social interactions are judged on how much they fulfill our own needs.

Which is exactly what the guy in the OP's message is doing. He is looking our for his OWN needs ONLY.

Think about how uncomfortable a stranger asking you to go on holiday with them might make you feel? You don't know anything about them.

They could be dangerous.

The guy ISNT taking into consideration other people's feelings or social needs at all.

That might be why he doesn't have any friends.

The op IS taking this guys needs into consideration. He understands this might be hurtful to the guy and is trying to act in a way that causes the least hurt without forgetting his own needs.

The guy in the OPs message ...is just considering his own needs and feelings. Either he can't imagine the feelings of others ...or wants to ignore them.

It might not be deliberate but its still only thinking of his own needs.

OP the next time he messages you. If he does ..say something like ...hey ..Mr person ...I kind of need some space right now. So pardon me if i go a bit lost in action. No nothing is wrong. I just need time alone. I am just not in the mood for talking. I might not be for some while. All the best.

Hqrry113 · 15-11-2020 10:27pm

oldhousemate wrote: »

I'm in a weird situation right now. I'm a guy and lived with another guy in a house share for about 3 or 4 years, but we both went our separate ways a couple of years ago.

I'm sure a lot of you have been in house shares where you're friendly with your housemates, but are not friends. I could have lived with 20 different people over the past 10 years, but am only in contact with 1 or 2 of them now.

The thing about this guy is that he is a little bit unusual. I think he misses a lot of social cues. In fact it's quite hard to have a conversation with him. Anyone I know that has met him have the same impression. For instance, he met a friend of mine for maybe a couple of hours on a night out. A few days later he messages him to go on a holiday with him!

I know he is trying to be friendly and only means well, but I've absolutely no interest in being his friend. I'm not trying to be cruel, but there are people out there that you just don't click with. The problem is that he continually tries to message me to catch up. Every time I've said to him I'm busy or that I'm not able to meet, but he doesn't take the hint. He's now sent maybe 5 or 6 messages over a few months where I haven't responded but he doesn't seem to get that we're not friends.

I'm sure I'm coming across as callous, but I don't know what else to do but ignore him. I could tell him that I don't want to be friends, but that feels very strange and like I'm back in primary school.

There's also this worry that he doesn't have any friends and he's trying hard to make some. I don't know what his mental state is like, although he's always come across as happy go lucky, and if I shun him who knows how that will affect him.

What should I do?

A sad part about this world some people have deep depression and are very lonely and most people couldn't care less about them.

This is a leading cause of suicide that people are so alone and nobody wants to know them, what harm could it be to reply to his messages, ask him how he is every now and then and bring him along on a social occasion even once every few months, this is a person who is obviously very alone and is probably deeply depressed.

This small thing for you could be a massive thing for him and could even prevent another suicide.

ILoveYourVibes · 15-11-2020 10:43pm

Hqrry113 wrote: »

A sad part about this world some people have deep depression and are very lonely and most people couldn't care less about them.

This is a leading cause of suicide that people are so alone and nobody wants to know them, what harm could it be to reply to his messages, ask him how he is every now and then and bring him along on a social occasion even once every few months, this is a person who is obviously very alone and is probably deeply depressed.

This small thing for you could be a massive thing for him and could even prevent another suicide.

Hqrry

Making people feel they are responsible for potential suicide is not very responsible. I am sure the OP has their own emotional issues we all do.

Suicide doesn't work like that.

I knew people who had lots of friends ...who took their own lives.

Not even loneliness works like that. You being someone's friend ..believe it not doesn't always stop them being lonely.

I would rather have real friends who enjoyed my company than have a pity friend.

rapul · 15-11-2020 10:47pm

Heard on the radio the other day a man say he would rather take a thousand phone calls from people in trouble or reaching out to talk than take that one phonecall in the middle of the night about worse, no harm asking how he is every so often, who knows.

Hqrry113 · 15-11-2020 10:56pm

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

Hqrry

Making people feel they are responsible for potential suicide is not very responsible. I am sure the OP has their own emotional issues we all do.

Suicide doesn't work like that.

I knew people who had lots of friends ...who took their own lives.

Not even loneliness works like that. You being someone's friend ..believe it not doesn't always stop them being lonely.

I would rather have real friends who enjoyed my company than have a pity friend.

I'm not saying that's the only cause of suicide, I'm saying social isolation is a leading cause of suicide, I'm not trying to make him feel responsible I'm saying this is an opportunity to help someone he can take it or leave it I'm simply advising him to take it.

ILoveYourVibes · 15-11-2020 11:01pm

Hqrry113 wrote: »

I'm not saying that's the only cause of suicide, I'm saying social isolation is a leading cause of suicide, I'm not trying to make him feel responsible I'm saying this is an opportunity to help someone he can take it or leave it I'm simply advising him to take it.

He can't help this guy.

Only the guy himself can help himself.

And a pity friendship ..isn't a real friendship ..and its not going to provide the real intimacy of a friendship for this guy.

It will feel hollow.

Its like someone sleeping with you ...when they are not attracted to you ..

Its actually kind of disrespectful .....to be friends with someone because you feel sorry for them.

If you are the type of person who can be friends with anyone ....that is different. It would be real.

Let the guy find real friendships.

bertiebomber · 15-11-2020 11:01pm

Just tell him you are gay he'll soon stop calling you - unless he is gay and then well tell the truth you dont fancy him !!

tara73 · 15-11-2020 11:09pm

Hqrry113 wrote: »

A sad part about this world some people have deep depression and are very lonely and most people couldn't care less about them.

This is a leading cause of suicide that people are so alone and nobody wants to know them, what harm could it be to reply to his messages, ask him how he is every now and then and bring him along on a social occasion even once every few months, this is a person who is obviously very alone and is probably deeply depressed.

This small thing for you could be a massive thing for him and could even prevent another suicide.

this is a very irresponsible post! Iinsinuating the OP could be responsible for a potential suicide if he doesn't meet up with this guy is taking the biscuit. believe me, I have some experience in this regard too and I'm not a fan of 'I love your vibes' posts most of the time, but what he/she wrote is true.

If somebody has deep depression he/she belongs in professional care and it's not done with some pity meet ups from some housemate of 3 years ago.
why do people assume this guy is that poor person with depression and all that anyway? a person with deep depression would never pester someone and speak on mailboxes and ask for a meet ups, especially if the other person ignored all the previous calls. that indicates weirdo to me, or yes, a socially awkward person.
OP, If it wouldn't be against the quarter I would suggest to get the telephone numbers from the posters who said you should meet him every few weeks and let them do it.

I'm pretty sure if you would have experience with suicide within your closest people around you you wouldn't spout out this nonsense!

Hqrry113 · 15-11-2020 11:11pm

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

He can't help this guy.

Only the guy himself can help himself.

And a pity friendship ..isn't a real friendship ..and its not going to provide the real intimacy of a friendship for this guy.

It will feel hollow.

Its like someone sleeping with you ...when they are not attracted to you ..

Its actually kind of disrespectful .....to be friends with someone because you feel sorry for them.

If you are the type of person who can be friends with anyone ....that is different. It would be real.

Let the guy find real friendships.

"Only the guy himself can help himself" Wow what a sad world we live in, a lonely person with mental health issues reaching out to try and make friends and all people can say is "he has to help himself" how do you suggest he does this?

And btw he is actually trying to help himself by reaching out and trying to make friends.

rapul · 15-11-2020 11:11pm

tara73 wrote: »

I'm pretty sure if you would have experience with suicide within your closest people around you you wouldn't spout out this nonsense!

Pot kettle black, your assuming or insinuating yourself.

ILoveYourVibes · 15-11-2020 11:35pm

Hqrry113 wrote: »

"Only the guy himself can help himself" Wow what a sad world we live in, a lonely person with mental health issues reaching out to try and make friends and all people can say is "he has to help himself" how do you suggest he does this?

And btw he is actually trying to help himself by reaching out and trying to make friends.

By finding his kind of people ...people who like him.

Listen I understand where you are coming from.

Having to hang around people who deep down don't like you ..will come out at some point.

If you are interviewing someone for a job do you hire anyone who will take it?

I think everyone needs to have the standard 'they have to like me' for friends.

Meeting up with someone every few months and the odd text ..isn't friendship.

You are asking this guy to settle for ....something a lot less than friendship.

Its kind of belittling to him.

How do you think he would feel if he knew his friends ...really didn't like him?

I think everyone deserves real friends ...or at least the chance to make them.

Trying to be friends with people who don't like you...is NOT going to work long term. Its not a long term strategy.

And the difference between the two ....is VAST. Real friendship is far more rewarding than having someone just trying to be 'nice' to you. Its far more emotionally rewarding.

You claim there is no difference. You are wrong.

This idea of a fake friendship ..isn't going to offer any real support to the OP in the long run.

I wouldn't like to have a fake friend would you?

Having one good genuine friend ....priceless ...

Better than having a few people just there to be nice. Its not the same.

LLMMLL · 16-11-2020 12:01am

I think a few of us have been in the exact same situation with the exact same type of person and know that if you start by giving them an hour of your time a month it'll end up with them wanting more and more and it getting harder and harder to communicate boundaries to them.

I'm I'm a similar situation with a very odd individual who started by ringing me randomly once every few months. The calls would nearly last an hour with him talking endlessly and each call would follow nearly identical scripts.

The frequency increased to monthly calls which I was just about ok with in terms of offering support to a strange and lonely person.

Covid hit and the person declared we needed to keep in touch weekly. I now limit the calls to 20 mins Max and once covid lets up will be pushing them back to monthly under the guise of me.being out and about and busy.

It would have been better to nip things in the bud when it was calls every few months to be honest.

I would really advise the OP to block. You're not currently friends and he is not in your life. You don't owe him anything and in the end it's likely he'll push your boundaries to the edge.

suicide_circus · 16-11-2020 1:33pm

The OP made it clear that he does not want this person in his life and yet is getting guilt trip responses from people telling him to correspond with this person, whats the harm etc

It's sad that this person is desperate for friendship but no good or meaningful relationship was ever built on pity or compulsion.

The OP said he does not click with this guy - there's an end to it, no more need be said.

Airyfairy12 · 16-11-2020 5:11pm

Hqrry113 wrote: »

"Only the guy himself can help himself" Wow what a sad world we live in, a lonely person with mental health issues reaching out to try and make friends and all people can say is "he has to help himself" how do you suggest he does this?

And btw he is actually trying to help himself by reaching out and trying to make friends.

Id normally agree but from how the OP describes his old housemate, it sounds like he doesnt understand boundaries. Messaging someone you just met to go on holidays would ring alarm bells. If he meets his old housemate for coffee the odd time, I doubt thats going to be enough for this him. He sounds like he could be very clingy and needy to the point of effecting the OP negatively.

Old housemate desperately wants to be friends

Comments