Old housemate desperately wants to be friends

lainey_d_123

I feel bad for the guy...sounds like he's on the spectrum and really has no idea whether other people like him back.

I have always had similar issues. I never used to make the first move or invite anyone anywhere or suggest a meetup in case the other person felt like I was bothering them, so I used to wait to be invited, and then I got a reputation for being stuck up and not making an effort. People would tell me to just reach out to people and invite them to do stuff and not be so paranoid and negative. Then I tried to make an effort and ended up in a good few situations where I was clearly just being tolerated, and felt really stupid for misreading the situation and thinking the person wanted to be friends.

I think someone ignoring messages would be a clear signal to me that they weren't interested in meeting but for someone further along the spectrum, they might just think you're busy or hadn't gone the messages. I would send a pleasant but blunt message saying you're super busy and unfortunately won't have time to meet up. Anything else is essentially stringing him along.

JustAThought

The OP sounds like a decent guy and not someone who is intentionally cruel. We were all taught in school to include someone who might be left out - what is so awful about being occasionally kind and sending a text, or meeting between work and commute or other ‘appointments’ for a beer or a sndwich ever three or four months. They
guy dosn’t want to be isolated and was relatively normal for the few years they spent aharing together. I wouldn’t like to
think I was a burden in friends or they hated me ao much they would send me a text saying ho away or I never want to see you gain - no matter how that was worded - it is a really cruel thing to do and could be very damaging. The papers and social media are full of stories of lonliness and pieta house and world kindness day and mindfullness etc - they guy is trying to keep a connection from someone he shared with for 4 years - he is not some stranger or stalker off a plane. A belated text every now & than would cost what - 20cent - and the covid is a good excuse to not meet up for a few months - they guy probably has few friends and is trying not to lose contact or become isolated. This dosn’t mean he is mentally ill, handicapped, autistic or any other faux diagnosis the internet makes up for
him - it just makes him a normal
person who seeks human kindness and a few shared sentences ever two or three weeks with someone he lived with for almost half a decade. That does not make him a freak.

OP - distant, but not too distant and a little minimum effort and basic human kindness could go a long way.

dmm82

JustAThought wrote: »

The OP sounds like a decent guy and not someone who is intentionally cruel. We were all taught in school to include someone who might be left out - what is so awful about being occasionally kind and sending a text, or meeting between work and commute or other ‘appointments’ for a beer or a sndwich ever three or four months. They
guy dosn’t want to be isolated and was relatively normal for the few years they spent aharing together. I wouldn’t like to
think I was a burden in friends or they hated me ao much they would send me a text saying ho away or I never want to see you gain - no matter how that was worded - it is a really cruel thing to do and could be very damaging. The papers and social media are full of stories of lonliness and pieta house and world kindness day and mindfullness etc - they guy is trying to keep a connection from someone he shared with for 4 years - he is not some stranger or stalker off a plane. A belated text every now & than would cost what - 20cent - and the covid is a good excuse to not meet up for a few months - they guy probably has few friends and is trying not to lose contact or become isolated. This dosn’t mean he is mentally ill, handicapped, autistic or any other faux diagnosis the internet makes up for
him - it just makes him a normal
person who seeks human kindness and a few shared sentences ever two or three weeks with someone he lived with for almost half a decade. That does not make him a freak.

OP - distant, but not too distant and a little minimum effort and basic human kindness could go a long way.

This. Literally this. My heart is breaking a little bit in this thread and its so good to see there is still some humanity out there

Skibunny77

We have lost so much of our sense of community, looking out for each other & all of our social interactions are judged on how much they fulfill our own needs. The me me me culture in action. Have been lucky to have a gang of friends who have invited people 'on the fringes' out with us. It never killed any of us to be inclusive & while yes it can change the easy dynamic between us all sometimes, so what?

OP you seem like a nice guy. Would it kill you to meet this guy for a coffee once or twice a year? See it as an act of kindness if you need to - or are we past doing unselfish things if it feels like 'work' to us?

I have an older family member who is eccentric/mild intellectual disability but was adopted years ago by a decent gang of male friends. They do their own thing, but always invite him out for a regular pint, especially around Xmas. It means everything to him. We have often commented that these days he would be left completely isolated & excluded. This thread appears to confirm that suspicion.

cloudatlas

I reckon that if the people asking the OP to meet with this guy actually sat down and thought about meeting someone who they know irritates them for an hour twice a month and then receiving constant texts there after about expected regular meets they honestly would not do it. I mean this is leading someone on and keeping things going to an insane degree. The OP is not a social worker, this guy has family, he has people to spend time with and to be in touch with.

I have been in this situation before, someone I knew casually and suddenly they wanted me to visit them in hospital and things were emotionally dependence wise escalating way beyond what I thought our level of acquaintance was, I only knew them because I attended the same club and we didn't have a deep and reciprocal friendship.

If the OP doesn't ignore the texts this will never end and he will be tied up in preforming a community work service every month that he never signed up for and be further obligated to this individual. Yes, it's sad but the poster above began to realise that people felt sorry for him and that's also not pleasant or kind. I wouldn't send a harsh text I would just stop replying as it sounds like these texts are frequent and unwarranted.

s1ippy

Skibunny77 wrote: »

We have lost so much of our sense of community, looking out for each other & all of our social interactions are judged on how much they fulfill our own needs. The me me me culture in action. Have been lucky to have a gang of friends who have invited people 'on the fringes' out with us. It never killed any of us to be inclusive & while yes it can change the easy dynamic between us all sometimes, so what?

OP you seem like a nice guy. Would it kill you to meet this guy for a coffee once or twice a year? See it as an act of kindness if you need to - or are we past doing unselfish things if it feels like 'work' to us?

I have an older family member who is eccentric/mild intellectual disability but was adopted years ago by a decent gang of male friends. They do their own thing, but always invite him out for a regular pint, especially around Xmas. It means everything to him. We have often commented that these days he would be left completely isolated & excluded. This thread appears to confirm that suspicion.

We're the same. There's always loads of eccentrics around and we love having them, livens up proceedings. Tbh any sesh at all would be a welcome one right now so I'd take a room full of the weirdest people you've ever known if it meant a night out without covid.

ILoveYourVibes

s1ippy wrote: »

We're the same. There's always loads of eccentrics around and we love having them, livens up proceedings. Tbh any sesh at all would be a welcome one right now so I'd take a room full of the weirdest people you've ever known if it meant a night out without covid.

You don't ask someone to go on holiday with you within hrs of meeting them unless you have no one else to go with.


To do so regularly would be dangerous.

& all of our social interactions are judged on how much they fulfill our own needs.

Which is exactly what the guy in the OP's message is doing. He is looking our for his OWN needs ONLY.

Think about how uncomfortable a stranger asking you to go on holiday with them might make you feel? You don't know anything about them.

They could be dangerous.

The guy ISNT taking into consideration other people's feelings or social needs at all.

That might be why he doesn't have any friends.


The op IS taking this guys needs into consideration. He understands this might be hurtful to the guy and is trying to act in a way that causes the least hurt without forgetting his own needs.

The guy in the OPs message ...is just considering his own needs and feelings. Either he can't imagine the feelings of others ...or wants to ignore them.

It might not be deliberate but its still only thinking of his own needs.


OP the next time he messages you. If he does ..say something like ...hey ..Mr person ...I kind of need some space right now. So pardon me if i go a bit lost in action. No nothing is wrong. I just need time alone. I am just not in the mood for talking. I might not be for some while. All the best.

Hqrry113

oldhousemate wrote: »

I'm in a weird situation right now. I'm a guy and lived with another guy in a house share for about 3 or 4 years, but we both went our separate ways a couple of years ago.

I'm sure a lot of you have been in house shares where you're friendly with your housemates, but are not friends. I could have lived with 20 different people over the past 10 years, but am only in contact with 1 or 2 of them now.

The thing about this guy is that he is a little bit unusual. I think he misses a lot of social cues. In fact it's quite hard to have a conversation with him. Anyone I know that has met him have the same impression. For instance, he met a friend of mine for maybe a couple of hours on a night out. A few days later he messages him to go on a holiday with him!

I know he is trying to be friendly and only means well, but I've absolutely no interest in being his friend. I'm not trying to be cruel, but there are people out there that you just don't click with. The problem is that he continually tries to message me to catch up. Every time I've said to him I'm busy or that I'm not able to meet, but he doesn't take the hint. He's now sent maybe 5 or 6 messages over a few months where I haven't responded but he doesn't seem to get that we're not friends.

I'm sure I'm coming across as callous, but I don't know what else to do but ignore him. I could tell him that I don't want to be friends, but that feels very strange and like I'm back in primary school.

There's also this worry that he doesn't have any friends and he's trying hard to make some. I don't know what his mental state is like, although he's always come across as happy go lucky, and if I shun him who knows how that will affect him.

What should I do?

A sad part about this world some people have deep depression and are very lonely and most people couldn't care less about them.

This is a leading cause of suicide that people are so alone and nobody wants to know them, what harm could it be to reply to his messages, ask him how he is every now and then and bring him along on a social occasion even once every few months, this is a person who is obviously very alone and is probably deeply depressed.

This small thing for you could be a massive thing for him and could even prevent another suicide.

ILoveYourVibes

Hqrry113 wrote: »

A sad part about this world some people have deep depression and are very lonely and most people couldn't care less about them.

This is a leading cause of suicide that people are so alone and nobody wants to know them, what harm could it be to reply to his messages, ask him how he is every now and then and bring him along on a social occasion even once every few months, this is a person who is obviously very alone and is probably deeply depressed.

This small thing for you could be a massive thing for him and could even prevent another suicide.

Hqrry

Making people feel they are responsible for potential suicide is not very responsible. I am sure the OP has their own emotional issues we all do.

Suicide doesn't work like that.

I knew people who had lots of friends ...who took their own lives.

Not even loneliness works like that. You being someone's friend ..believe it not doesn't always stop them being lonely.

I would rather have real friends who enjoyed my company than have a pity friend.

rapul

Heard on the radio the other day a man say he would rather take a thousand phone calls from people in trouble or reaching out to talk than take that one phonecall in the middle of the night about worse, no harm asking how he is every so often, who knows.

Hqrry113

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

Hqrry

Making people feel they are responsible for potential suicide is not very responsible. I am sure the OP has their own emotional issues we all do.

Suicide doesn't work like that.

I knew people who had lots of friends ...who took their own lives.

Not even loneliness works like that. You being someone's friend ..believe it not doesn't always stop them being lonely.

I would rather have real friends who enjoyed my company than have a pity friend.

I'm not saying that's the only cause of suicide, I'm saying social isolation is a leading cause of suicide, I'm not trying to make him feel responsible I'm saying this is an opportunity to help someone he can take it or leave it I'm simply advising him to take it.

ILoveYourVibes

Hqrry113 wrote: »

I'm not saying that's the only cause of suicide, I'm saying social isolation is a leading cause of suicide, I'm not trying to make him feel responsible I'm saying this is an opportunity to help someone he can take it or leave it I'm simply advising him to take it.

He can't help this guy.

Only the guy himself can help himself.

And a pity friendship ..isn't a real friendship ..and its not going to provide the real intimacy of a friendship for this guy.

It will feel hollow.

Its like someone sleeping with you ...when they are not attracted to you ..

Its actually kind of disrespectful .....to be friends with someone because you feel sorry for them.

If you are the type of person who can be friends with anyone ....that is different. It would be real.

Let the guy find real friendships.

bertiebomber

Just tell him you are gay he'll soon stop calling you - unless he is gay and then well tell the truth you dont fancy him !!

tara73

Hqrry113 wrote: »

A sad part about this world some people have deep depression and are very lonely and most people couldn't care less about them.

This is a leading cause of suicide that people are so alone and nobody wants to know them, what harm could it be to reply to his messages, ask him how he is every now and then and bring him along on a social occasion even once every few months, this is a person who is obviously very alone and is probably deeply depressed.

This small thing for you could be a massive thing for him and could even prevent another suicide.

this is a very irresponsible post! Iinsinuating the OP could be responsible for a potential suicide if he doesn't meet up with this guy is taking the biscuit. believe me, I have some experience in this regard too and I'm not a fan of 'I love your vibes' posts most of the time, but what he/she wrote is true.

If somebody has deep depression he/she belongs in professional care and it's not done with some pity meet ups from some housemate of 3 years ago.
why do people assume this guy is that poor person with depression and all that anyway? a person with deep depression would never pester someone and speak on mailboxes and ask for a meet ups, especially if the other person ignored all the previous calls. that indicates weirdo to me, or yes, a socially awkward person.
OP, If it wouldn't be against the quarter I would suggest to get the telephone numbers from the posters who said you should meet him every few weeks and let them do it.

I'm pretty sure if you would have experience with suicide within your closest people around you you wouldn't spout out this nonsense!

Hqrry113

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

He can't help this guy.

Only the guy himself can help himself.

And a pity friendship ..isn't a real friendship ..and its not going to provide the real intimacy of a friendship for this guy.

It will feel hollow.

Its like someone sleeping with you ...when they are not attracted to you ..

Its actually kind of disrespectful .....to be friends with someone because you feel sorry for them.

If you are the type of person who can be friends with anyone ....that is different. It would be real.

Let the guy find real friendships.

"Only the guy himself can help himself" Wow what a sad world we live in, a lonely person with mental health issues reaching out to try and make friends and all people can say is "he has to help himself" how do you suggest he does this?

And btw he is actually trying to help himself by reaching out and trying to make friends.

rapul

tara73 wrote: »

I'm pretty sure if you would have experience with suicide within your closest people around you you wouldn't spout out this nonsense!

Pot kettle black, your assuming or insinuating yourself.

ILoveYourVibes

Hqrry113 wrote: »

"Only the guy himself can help himself" Wow what a sad world we live in, a lonely person with mental health issues reaching out to try and make friends and all people can say is "he has to help himself" how do you suggest he does this?

And btw he is actually trying to help himself by reaching out and trying to make friends.

By finding his kind of people ...people who like him.

Listen I understand where you are coming from.

Having to hang around people who deep down don't like you ..will come out at some point.

If you are interviewing someone for a job do you hire anyone who will take it?

I think everyone needs to have the standard 'they have to like me' for friends.

Meeting up with someone every few months and the odd text ..isn't friendship.

You are asking this guy to settle for ....something a lot less than friendship.

Its kind of belittling to him.

How do you think he would feel if he knew his friends ...really didn't like him?

I think everyone deserves real friends ...or at least the chance to make them.

Trying to be friends with people who don't like you...is NOT going to work long term. Its not a long term strategy.

And the difference between the two ....is VAST. Real friendship is far more rewarding than having someone just trying to be 'nice' to you. Its far more emotionally rewarding.

You claim there is no difference. You are wrong.

This idea of a fake friendship ..isn't going to offer any real support to the OP in the long run.

I wouldn't like to have a fake friend would you?

Having one good genuine friend ....priceless ...

Better than having a few people just there to be nice. Its not the same.

LLMMLL

I think a few of us have been in the exact same situation with the exact same type of person and know that if you start by giving them an hour of your time a month it'll end up with them wanting more and more and it getting harder and harder to communicate boundaries to them.

I'm I'm a similar situation with a very odd individual who started by ringing me randomly once every few months. The calls would nearly last an hour with him talking endlessly and each call would follow nearly identical scripts.

The frequency increased to monthly calls which I was just about ok with in terms of offering support to a strange and lonely person.

Covid hit and the person declared we needed to keep in touch weekly. I now limit the calls to 20 mins Max and once covid lets up will be pushing them back to monthly under the guise of me.being out and about and busy.

It would have been better to nip things in the bud when it was calls every few months to be honest.

I would really advise the OP to block. You're not currently friends and he is not in your life. You don't owe him anything and in the end it's likely he'll push your boundaries to the edge.

suicide_circus

The OP made it clear that he does not want this person in his life and yet is getting guilt trip responses from people telling him to correspond with this person, whats the harm etc

It's sad that this person is desperate for friendship but no good or meaningful relationship was ever built on pity or compulsion.

The OP said he does not click with this guy - there's an end to it, no more need be said.

Airyfairy12

Hqrry113 wrote: »

"Only the guy himself can help himself" Wow what a sad world we live in, a lonely person with mental health issues reaching out to try and make friends and all people can say is "he has to help himself" how do you suggest he does this?

And btw he is actually trying to help himself by reaching out and trying to make friends.

Id normally agree but from how the OP describes his old housemate, it sounds like he doesnt understand boundaries. Messaging someone you just met to go on holidays would ring alarm bells. If he meets his old housemate for coffee the odd time, I doubt thats going to be enough for this him. He sounds like he could be very clingy and needy to the point of effecting the OP negatively.

pwurple

Listen, every one of us is judgmental about who we count among our friends and contacts, whether we admit it or not. The company you keep is a reflection on you. To take an extreme example, if your friend is a mass murderer, you're implicated by association. Most people know this innately, and generally become friends with people who they share values with, or are happy to be associated with. This man has embarrassed you, by being crossing some boundaries with a mutual contact. That's most likely why you want to disassociate from him. Ideally, there will be some value for both parties in a friendship, learning from eachother, or just by being charming company, nice to be around, whatever it is. If it's one-sided, like this one, it won't work.

OP, if I were you, as you've not responded for ages, and you don't like seeing the messages, I'd simply lose contact, by blocking if you need to.

freshpopcorn

I’ve being thinking about this OP.
Even by reading the responses here you can see some people think you should entertain, look out for the guy and others think you shouldn’t.
I think your either one type of person or the other and going by what you said you fit better into one category.

bertiebomber

Why dont you just tell him to eff off like we used to do before we became soo politically correct and obsessed with not hurting anyones bloody feelings. The world is a harsh place and your feelings get hurt grow up and live with it.
Tell this stalker to take a run & jump & its not your fault if he does its his own .......if you dont look after your early friendships then you dont deserve any friends ! Work folk are NEVER friends. Just be truthful and tell him you dont need his friendship you are grand but thanks !!

JustAThought

He is not a work colleague or a stranger but a flatmate he shared a house with for over 3 years and got on with while they were sharing and a guy who the OP said always came across as happy go lucky and who is now making an effort to keep in contact.

ffs

Hqrry113

bertiebomber wrote: »

Why dont you just tell him to eff off like we used to do before we became soo politically correct and obsessed with not hurting anyones bloody feelings. The world is a harsh place and your feelings get hurt grow up and live with it.
Tell this stalker to take a run & jump & its not your fault if he does its his own .......if you dont look after your early friendships then you dont deserve any friends ! Work folk are NEVER friends. Just be truthful and tell him you dont need his friendship you are grand but thanks !!

Well you seem like a lovely fella

completedit

We don't live in a very kind culture as emphasised by the replies but this isn't your problem op.

qwerty13

I do understand why lots of people are saying ‘can you not just be there for the guy’.

However, I did that before. I was very young. He had so many issues that I didn’t even realise at the time. I still lived with my parents, and they used to (unknown to me) unplug the phone at night. My parents only did that after that they felt he was obsessing with me, instead of dealing with his own issues. Nowadays, that would be termed boundary issues.

But, not to be mean, but you don’t want him in your life, and he is just not listening to you. I could just about get the ‘let him be part of your social group’ - but he has gone so far beyond that. I’m afraid I’d just block him. He has zero boundaries- and no thoughts as to how you might feel. Get rid of him out of your life. You can’t fix him, nor is it your responsibility

Hannibal_Smith

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LegacyUser

Thanks for all your replies. Doesn't seem to be an easy answer out there but I'm thinking I might just continue doing what I'm doing and ignore any message or call from him. It feels cruel, but I just don't think that responding to him will lead to anything productive. I feel if I try to give him an explanation, he won't understand or will try harder to be my friend.

I have no reason to think he's depressed, but you never know. Is there anything else I can do to maybe check that he's okay on that front without committing myself to being his friend? It sounds awful even typing that out.

Pinkyboi

Hi OP, I lived with someone before who I thought I was friends with. We lived together for maybe 2/2.5 years and then he moved out. We kept in touch, had days out, nights out. Communications between us went from being really regular to minimal to nothing. He went from being a reliable friend to zilch. Seeing this post brought back some of that emotion. I don't know the whole sitch on your side. Perhaps, a gentle text to him might be nice to check in. Just something along the lines of "Hope you are well. Sorry I haven't been in touch. Work/Life is mad busy at the moment. Take care."
Just a thought. For me, I would have loved the closure at the time. How and ever, that is in the past and we just have to get on with life.