Are there nice guys out there?

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

This is actually pretty dangerous advice.

Gut feelings are there for a reason. It's far better to be overly cautious of them than not cautious enough. What's the worst case scenario in assuming the worst of someone? You don't date them and potentially miss out on a good relationship. What's the worst case scenario in assuming the best of a person? You end up dating someone controlling and abusive. I have never, ever overlooked at a red flag in someone and had it end well.

I wonder how much actual dating experience the people saying OP has overreacted have got? I've been online dating on and off for nearly 12 years and that question about her being up at 3am set off an alarm bell for me. It's basically a veiled way of asking if she's talking to other men late at night and would be a definite red flag for controlling behaviour. I've overlooked this sort of thing in the past and it always escalated to more entitled, controlling behaviour.

You’d never meet anyone if you look at everything with suspicion. I have very little dating experience but plenty of experience with people who are controlling and abusive and all I’m saying is one comment does not an abuser make. I’d also question how good a judge of character is if someone always seems to meet what they perceive to be dangerous men and then wonders why there are no decent men out there.

I do think the OP should go with her gut when I think about it.
Certain things make some people uncomfortable and that message made the OP feel uncomfortable and you can see people agree and disagree with her.
It’s also good for the guys sake also. There’s no point of dragging things out. If things like this are making you feel uncomfortable chances are lots of things he’d do would annoy you.

eviltwin wrote: »

We’ll have to agree to disagree. I do agree she should go with her gut feeling. Hopefully she’s just been unlucky so far and will meet someone she connects with soon.

You don’t know what this gut feeling is really about until you’ve been through the wars of meeting random people online. People who could be the best in the world but who could also be psychopaths, abusers, bullies, addicts, narcissists, criminals, cheats, and the list goes on. Once you have had that experience, you won’t question a woman’s instinct kicking in. It’s there for a reason. This thing we call gut feeling is really the wealth of our experience serving its purpose and warning us that something is badly amiss. I’ve been there, so much so that I won’t have anything to do with online dating any longer. I’ve met everyone, from a nice guy to an obsessive fetishist, via a thief, a cheat and a certified mental case. It’s just not worth my time parsing through that lot any more (but more power to those who don’t give up!). But what cannot be described to you so easily, unless you have that first hand experience, is how good that gut feeling gets at seeing through seemingly innocuous things, at reading people and their intentions, and yes, even if it is just about the delivery of a certain comment. It is actually like anything: a novice doctor will stand before a patient and think twice if this is a flu or if it is something similar but different, an experienced GP will be able to barely look at a patient to know.

So I just wanted to be among the posters in support of the OP here: well done OP, ALWAYS listen to your instinct, it is working to protect you. IMO, the mere fact that you are chatting to guys online means that you are still hopeful, meeting people, and that at least gives you more of a chance to meet someone compatible than those of us who’ve dropped out of the game! Wishing you all the best with it!

Why were you up so late anyway OP? Do you have trouble sleeping?

datesgowrong wrote: »

I'm late twenties and single. The guys I have been meeting lately have been horrible.

Over the summer, I met what thought was a nice guy. We met randomly outdoors in town, got chatting, he seemed nice and we swapped numbers. We organised a socially distanced date. Within five minutes of this date he just wanted to lock lips, he completely disregarded my feelings and why it wasn't safe to kiss with all that's going on with covid. He kept asking to go to a quiter park as well, which I didn't allow happen. He was horrible, I didn't want to turn on him right there and then in case he done something, so I made an excuse and told him I'd be in touch. The next day he messaged me saying I was nice but I need to change my style. So he didn't like me dressing in jeans and t-shirt and he's already trying to change me. I ignored his message and then another message came through on my phone asking was anyone home and he will call to my place. He didn't know where I lived and I didn't tell him. I told this guy to get lost and I blocked him.

Then over the past few weeks, I was messaging someone that I met online. We hadn't met yet due to the covid restrictions. Then he questioned me on why I was on WhatsApp one night bat 3am. To me that sounded like something that a controlling person would do. Watch when I was online and question how I was online at 3am. I told this guy to get lost as well.

Are there non creepy guys out there?

It's not them it's you

Ella281 wrote: »

I don’t want to but I’ve yet to be proven otherwise I’m afraid

Well that's because you're the common factor

dd973 wrote: »

Women don't want heavy, possessive or jealous controlling men, I totally get that, I wouldn't want that either.

But they don't want men who are 'too nice' either, so if you're easy going it's a no go. Talk about can't win!

What do you mean by 'Too nice'?
Being nice to someone with the expectation they will give you relationships or sex in return for your niceness, isnt really being 'nice', its pretend niceness to get what you want. Often times people who are 'nice' as a means to an end, can become quite bitter and angry when they dont get what they wanted. Theres a bang of entitlement and immaturity of someone who behaves this way.

Another way of being 'too nice' is through ignoring your own wants and needs and putting everyone else before you. Again its not that the person is 'nice', they may well be but people like this come across as very insecure and are nice as a way of getting approval and acceptance from other people.
Neither one of these examples is healthy for the person themselves or whoever they get involved with as theres always going to be an inbalance in the relationship, their not equal.

In both instances, the person being 'nice' is insecure with low self esteem and not to much self awareness in my opinion.

Also, when in a relationship, there has to be more than just being 'nice', the majority of people are and should be nice, as a very basic level standard, at the very least you would expect to go out with someone whose nice but that cant be all a person has to offer. That goes for men & women btw.

bitofabind wrote: »

The apps can be a circus for both men and women, I guess when you're swiping on people's faces as a means of interacting and making snap decisions based on a few photographs, it does tend to incentivise bad behaviour.

At the same time, we all have to be accountable for ourselves and what we're bringing to the table. If your energy is one of distrust, defensiveness and "there are no good men out there", "all men/women are (insert adjective here)", you've got a negativity bias there that you'll do your damned subconscious best to prove because that's what we do as humans. It's a self-protective thing and entirely understandable when you've been hurt and disappointed, but will lead to more disappointments all the same.

If you're meeting non-stop clowns and creeps and con-artists, well sure that could be a lot of really bad luck, but the responsible thing to do is to ask yourself some questions about your approach, your boundaries and your general patterns with dating if this type of person is so often getting in your way. It can be enlightening to ask those questions too, as even though we can't control our dating lives, we can control how we feel about ourselves and the world and it's a whole lot lighter when you've got healthy self-esteem and a sense of who you are that's not impacted by how others respond to you.

Exactly. Like know your own worth. You can dictate who you meet and who you don't meet on these apps, that's what I like about them, there's no pressure. I could tell right away if someone was an idiot after chatting to them on an app for a bit. I don't know what kind of chancers you all are meeting but you mustn't have good judges of character.

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

I love how someone who writes such horrible, misogynistic, crass rubbish about women considers himself 'nice'. Just further illustrates the point that 'nice guy' = a man who feels entitled to women's time and attention and insults and degrades women for having the audacity not to be interested.

Have you ever considered that women can smell this attitude a mile off, and that maybe women are also intelligent human beings who are capable of deciding for themselves who they do and don't want to date? Genuinely nice men don't tend to broadcast how nice they are. Genuinely nice man don't expect to be 'given a chance' by women just for existing. Genuinely nice men don't say things like "they think that because they can get guys to f*** them that that is their weight division".

With the pronoun reversed, have a look at yourself

I love how someone who writes such horrible, misandry, crass rubbish about men considers herself 'nice'. Just further illustrates the point that 'nice gurl' = a woman who feels entitled to men's time and attention and insults and degrades men for having the audacity not to be interested.

Have you ever considered that men can smell this attitude a mile off, and that maybe men are also intelligent human beings who are capable of deciding for themselves who they do and don't want to date? Genuinely nice women don't tend to broadcast how nice they are. Genuinely nice women don't expect to be 'given a chance' by men just for existing.

You *are* the problem