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Why do women go off sex?
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28-04-2012 3:50am#1
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Your post is about your OH - one specific woman. Your title is about ALL women. Just because your partner doesn't want to be intimate anymore doesn't mean all women "go off sex".
Also, why don't you just bloody talk to her like an adult ffs?
Anytime I raise the subject, its almost as if Ive started a row and then she will ignore me until I apologise for raising the issue (can go on for weeks - is this normal?) - It seems to suit her that I raise it and she then has an excuse to ignore me.
- It affects every part of my life! 0 -
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She probably sees you asking 'why dont you want sex?' as an attack. Because she already knows you want it more than she does, and that its a bone of contention she would rather avoid. The reasons why any woman might not want sex are a multitude, and in my experience a man can shove issues to one side and just have sex, but for me, everything thats going on can affect libido:scholar007 wrote: »Anytime I raise the subject, its almost as if Ive started a row and then she will ignore me until I apologise for raising the issue (can go on for weeks - is this normal?) - It seems to suit her that I raise it and she then has an excuse to ignore me. - It affects every part of my life!
Tired and stressed
Overfamiliarity/boredom
Low libido
Not enough time/risk of interruption by kids etc
Feeling pressure to perform
Feeling unloved
Feeling unsexy/ugly/fat/thin/dowdy
Unresolved issues with their partner (emotional or life based)
You have to keep trying to talk to her, but not in a way that makes her get defensive. Difficult to do if you have a 'history' of rowing about it, I know.0 -
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scholar007 wrote: »Anytime I raise the subject, its almost as if Ive started a row and then she will ignore me until I apologise for raising the issue (can go on for weeks - is this normal?) - It seems to suit her that I raise it and she then has an excuse to ignore me. - It affects every part of my life!
My ex gf wrote me a massive letter after i left her a few years ago,that explained alot after i left her.
One of the issues was she was avoiding sex sometimes and it became more frequent.
Turns out she actually loved the sex and said it was the best she had..strangely the issue was a medical one and she was too embarrassed to tell me.
So instead she became defensive and guilty about it when i tried to figure out what i could do to make things better.
It eventualy built up and aggravated other areas of the relationship and it ended abruptly by me leaving.
Moral of the story is, it might not be you,it might be you.
You will not know unless both parties start communicating.
If she doesnt want to talk about it then she is possibly being defensive for some reason.
Theres a reason for everything and as for finding hers,thats something im not sure.
Each individual has their ways of communicating.
Maybe she needs to know that you need her to communicate or this will become more of an issue.
Maybe she can write you a letter? see a counselor to figure her wy to communicate with you better.
End of the day she will just have to start communicating or this wont get fixed.
Hope you get there.0 -
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scholar007 wrote: »When I met herself, she was mad for it. However in recent years (15 years married) she will do anything to avoid it. Like whats the jackanory? Its driving me cracked! :mad: - Yes I'm in permanent employment and we have a nice gaff in a fairly salubrious area - so whats the problem? I try to vary my technique so she doesn't get bored. So ladies whats the answer?scholar007 wrote: »Anytime I raise the subject, its almost as if Ive started a row and then she will ignore me until I apologise for raising the issue (can go on for weeks - is this normal?) - It seems to suit her that I raise it and she then has an excuse to ignore me. - It affects every part of my life!
It's not all about you. Her age might be a factor, hormones menopause just life in general.
You come across as if it't the end of your world and it's not, concentrate on her and try get her to talk about what't wrong.
Unfortunately not all women are the same so no one can tell you what is wrong with your woman only her.
good luck.:)0 -
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Actually, I have been thinking about this a bit more, surely physical intimacy is an integral part of a relationship? My moods or how Im feeling generally don't diminish my desire so why are women different? Surely its a basic human need that you want to have sex every now and then? 0
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There is no such thing as a typical man, or typical woman, or typical person. Everyones needs vary, everyones sex drive varies. There are people out there who want sex four times a day, others are happily celibate all their lives.scholar007 wrote: »Actually, I have been thinking about this a bit more, surely physical intimacy is an integral part of a relationship? My moods or how Im feeling generally don't diminish my desire so why are women different? Surely its a basic human need that you want to have sex every now and then?
I dont want to get into the whole gender divide on sex drive, but what you need to see is that this woman at this time, does not want sex as much as you. You need to ask her why, not get into stats on what other people do. Getting into the whole discussion like that will only make things worse, because technically, youre telling her she is not normal. Nothing better than that to push her further away from you.0 -
scholar007 wrote: »Actually, I have been thinking about this a bit more, surely physical intimacy is an integral part of a relationship? My moods or how Im feeling generally don't diminish my desire so why are women different? Surely its a basic human need that you want to have sex every now and then?
You seem bent on making this a gender issue. As people have said it really could be down to a number of reasons.
You have said when you try to broach the subject it turns into a row and she can ignore you for weeks, and you even think she might use it as an excuse to ignore you. That is not good.
How is your relationship in other ways? Do you have much intimacy other than sex. Do you do a lot of activitys together, hold hands, do you communicate and share feelings and thoughts on a deep level?
The reason I am asking is that if that isn't happening and you have grown apart there is a good chance it is not a reduced libido due to moods or external issues. It could be that she does not love you anymore.
Gender issues aside, do you think she still wants to be with you as a person or is just going through the motions of the relationship out of a sense of duty or fear of change?0 -
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Sleepy, I get the feeling from your last post that you also seem to think this is a problem that's mostly related to women just not wanting sex. If so check out the thread "why won't he have sex with me?" started by frustratedgirl and enlighten yourself.
Have to laugh really, isn't it funny that men that have to deal with this problem and that think this way, never seem to wonder if it is to do with them and their performance, they'd rather think it must be the entire female population :rolleyes:.0 -
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I've seen that thread (and your rather strange advice in it). Isn't it funny how some women can see no wrong in anyone of their own gender? :rolleyes:
The notion that he's not providing any of her needs is nothing more than an assumption as he's never stated whether they're affectionate in other ways, whether they generally get on, if he pulls his weight at home or their marriage is happy in other ways. The OP has clearly stated his other half isn't prepared to discuss the issue with him so how would he even know if his other half felt this way?
Most people (yourself included from what you've posted in other threads) would consider a relationship without sex to be one that's not worth living in. scholar007 has stated he feels stuck with this relationship due to financial reasons and their having kids together. (you're wrong here btw scholar007, if the marriage has deteriorated to the point where it's not worth saving, your kids would be better off with you and your wife living your own, happier lives, frustrated and miserable parents don't make for good role-models).
If your wife won't discuss the issues with you, would she consider marriage counselling. The vary fact you're suggesting it should be enough to let her know how serious a state your marriage is in as usually counselling ends in one of two ways: a couple re-building a happy marriage (which sex is very much a part of) or going their separate ways...
Be prepared to hear things you don't like at the sessions and it may be the case, as curlzy assumes, that there are other areas of your marriage where you're the one not pulling your weight, it may be the case that your wife is in fact asexual and has never enjoyed your sex life together, seeing it only as a means of attracting a man and having babies and it may be the case that you're better off apart from each other. Sure, finances will be squeezed dreadfully by a separation, they usually are but children are better off with two poor but happy parents that live apart than parents that make each other miserable and who clearly resent each other.
If my advise was so strange and weird why did you quote me and then say "This is good advice. Speak to him about it somewhere private at a time when neither of you have any demands on your time. It's not a conversation for the breakfast table when you're on your way to work or for a coffee shop where the girl at the next table can eavesdrop!" that's a direct quote from you regarding my advise.
Perhaps you're thinking of something else I wrote?
Anyways the difference here isn't gender Sleepy, to me anyways, it's the age and family situation that's the difference. The girl on the other thread is 22 and there's no children involved, she can totally walk away. The OP on this thread is married and has kids, not so nice if he just walks away, although his happiness his happiness is important too. The thing is if the OP here is displaying this "why do women go off sex?" attitiude then it's really not going to help his cause, it's whingey and sad and sexist. He's much better off trying to talk to his wife in a non sexual environment and really impressing on her how much it's affecting him. It sounds like she's just shutting down whenever he speaks and to be honest if he's continuously approaching this as something to do with gender I don't blame her.
Seriously OP, rather then turning into a woman hater why not try and get some decent dialog going? Would you rather loose your family and everything you've built than try to communicate about this again?
Just thinking, maybe, could you write her a letter? Then you can just leave it with her and tell her in it how this is making you feel. Perhaps she would be more able to take it in if she has time to mull it over rather then reacting to you in conversation? Just a thought anyways.
Either way OP, if this was down to gender and babies then no one would be having sex over the age of 45 and you know that's not true.
Best of luck to you, your wife and your kids.
*** EDIT: With regards to Sleepy's suggestion that she may be asexual and never enjoyed sex, I did a little search and it seems that 1% of adults (male and female) are asexual, perhaps she IS in the 1%? Another thing for you to discuss with her, ask if she actually enjoys/enjoyed sex.0 -
scholar007 wrote: »Actually, I have been thinking about this a bit more, surely physical intimacy is an integral part of a relationship? My moods or how Im feeling generally don't diminish my desire so why are women different? Surely its a basic human need that you want to have sex every now and then?
Sex is either a feast or a famine in some long term relationships.
We all want sex some times but not with someone we don't like, maybe this is the problem with your wife.
You cannot assume all women are like your wife same as you are not like all men. Moods vary for everyone.
Physical intimacy is a very important part of any relationship, you and your wife obviously have different issues and I think counselling is what ye need.
What age is she? if you don't mind saying.0 -
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Nice selective quoting - the warped "denial of her pleasure" bit you conjured up before hand was clearly what I was referring to, as was clearly laid out in the rest of the post you're quoting.If my advise was so strange and weird why did you quote me and then say "This is good advice. Speak to him about it somewhere private at a time when neither of you have any demands on your time. It's not a conversation for the breakfast table when you're on your way to work or for a coffee shop where the girl at the next table can eavesdrop!" that's a direct quote from you regarding my advise.
Perhaps you're thinking of something else I wrote?
I got the impression it was asked generally in a "why do women do this?" way because it's quite a common problem tbh. A woman's libido waning is probably second in frequency only to the "he/she left me how can I get over him/her? wah!" or "I like this guy/girl, what should I do?" threads.Anyways the difference here isn't gender Sleepy, to me anyways, it's the age and family situation that's the difference. The girl on the other thread is 22 and there's no children involved, she can totally walk away. The OP on this thread is married and has kids, not so nice if he just walks away, although his happiness his happiness is important too. The thing is if the OP here is displaying this "why do women go off sex?" attitiude then it's really not going to help his cause, it's whingey and sad and sexist. He's much better off trying to talk to his wife in a non sexual environment and really impressing on her how much it's affecting him. It sounds like she's just shutting down whenever he speaks and to be honest if he's continuously approaching this as something to do with gender I don't blame her.
I sincerely doubt he's talking to her in a "why do women do this?" fashion: he's discussing his problem in the abstract. Something men are quite prone to do. In general, we're not often great at discussing our emotions and, as such, find it easier to discuss them in a broader, abstract way.
Some of your advice (like the above) is great, there's just no need to couch it in such an overly defensive, looking for the misogynist in every male manner.Seriously OP, rather then turning into a woman hater why not try and get some decent dialog going? Would you rather loose your family and everything you've built than try to communicate about this again?
Just thinking, maybe, could you write her a letter? Then you can just leave it with her and tell her in it how this is making you feel. Perhaps she would be more able to take it in if she has time to mull it over rather then reacting to you in conversation? Just a thought anyways.
Either way OP, if this was down to gender and babies then no one would be having sex over the age of 45 and you know that's not true.
Best of luck to you, your wife and your kids.
*** EDIT: With regards to Sleepy's suggestion that she may be asexual and never enjoyed sex, I did a little search and it seems that 1% of adults (male and female) are asexual, perhaps she IS in the 1%? Another thing for you to discuss with her, ask if she actually enjoys/enjoyed sex.
OP - some feedback on your thoughts on peoples suggestions would help those of us trying to give you advce, do you recognise any of the suggested reasons why your wifes sex drive has all but disappeared as being possibilities?0 -
Nice selective quoting - the warped "denial of her pleasure" bit you conjured up before hand was clearly what I was referring to, as was clearly laid out in the rest of the post you're quoting.
I got the impression it was asked generally in a "why do women do this?" way because it's quite a common problem tbh. A woman's libido waning is probably second in frequency only to the "he/she left me how can I get over him/her? wah!" or "I like this guy/girl, what should I do?" threads.
I sincerely doubt he's talking to her in a "why do women do this?" fashion: he's discussing his problem in the abstract. Something men are quite prone to do. In general, we're not often great at discussing our emotions and, as such, find it easier to discuss them in a broader, abstract way.
Some of your advice (like the above) is great, there's just no need to couch it in such an overly defensive, looking for the misogynist in every male manner.
OP - some feedback on your thoughts on peoples suggestions would help those of us trying to give you advce, do you recognise any of the suggested reasons why your wifes sex drive has all but disappeared as being possibilities?
Thanks for all the advice / opinions - The only thing I am sure of is she went right off it just after our last child was born (10 years ago) - It was kind of that she felt she had enough of that kind of thing. As I said when I met her first it was great - she would even do bjs / dress up etc. Alas no more
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scholar007 wrote: »
Thanks for all the advice / opinions - The only thing I am sure of is she went right off it just after our last child was born (10 years ago) - It was kind of that she felt she had enough of that kind of thing. As I said when I met her first it was great - she would even do bjs / dress up etc. Alas no more
Same happened to me after my last was born, it's taken 5 years for me to get back into it. It wasn't anything my hubby did or didn't do I just wasn't that into it.
I got myself a ummm rabbit ( if you know what I mean) and I read a lot of books most of those books would have very romantic scenes not full sex scenes but sexual scenes- just the way the man would touch the woman ( my hubby was very hands off unless he wanted something) so i started asking him for hugs and kisses, I found myself becoming more sexual and making first contact.
It also didn't help that our 12 year old in in the next room and can here us turn in the bed let alone wrestle in the bed so we would have to wait until all the kids were asleep and by that time we could to to tired. So we arranged lunch time meet ups at home and it worked very well, neither of us were tired and we both had energy.
But the thing is we talked about it, we were both open about what we wanted.
Just to add, sex has never been better for both of us, he got a few supprises from the books I've read (I copied a few things)... I was not as open to things before, I was quite reserved where as now I know what I want, I know what I like and I can show him what I want/like. Before I didnt express those wants or desires.
As young lovers you flirt all the time, I would suggest you start flirting with your wife. If like me she thinks the only time you touch her is when you want something she could start resenting you. This is what happened with me.
I love flirting with my hubby now0 -
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scholar007 wrote: »Whats contraception got to do with it? Yes we are not having anymore.
The snip? - No way! - I wouldn't feel like a man anymore!
It takes two to tango. If you do not take any responsibility then I can actually empathise with your wife. Birth control and contraception is the responsibility of BOTH partners not one!
If your wife at all had any complications during her pregnancies and childbirths then maybe it's fear of getting pregnant again. Maybe this is why she does not want sex anymore. I know that I feared having sex after my second child because my pregnancies and childbirths were terrible. When my husband and I had sex after my second pregnancy, we used extra precautions, birth control, spermicide and condoms well it didn't work as I got pregnant with number three! After I got my tubes tied, guess what? got pregnant again five years later:eek:. Then it was my husband's turn to get snipped. It didn't make him any less of a man and getting my tubes tied didn't make me any less of a woman either. We no longer wanted to take the risks and I told my husband if he wanted sex he had to get it done because if I was able to get pregnant with all those precautions then abstinence was my only option as that is 100% fool proof. He went and got the procedure done very fast
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Take some responsibility and maybe she will feel wee bit at ease if this is her primary concern.scholar007 wrote: »Thanks for all the advice / opinions - The only thing I am sure of is she went right off it just after our last child was born (10 years ago) - It was kind of that she felt she had enough of that kind of thing. As I said when I met her first it was great - she would even do bjs / dress up etc. Alas no more
Maybe she has different views about sex as you do? Maybe she views within the context of marriage as procreation? When you met her and had this explosive sex - did you ask then why it stopped? Maybe, OP your relationship dynamic turned from husband and wife to housemates? This happens a lot and have two friends going through a divorce now because of it. If this has been happening for 10 years why did you wait until now to do something about it? Ten years is a very long time to sit around and wait and is enough time to get used to it like your wife has. I agree that it is not fair to you as you feel neglected. Have you considered that not talking about it or not doing anything until now has made her feel neglected too? Maybe it is more about sex, OP. I think there may be a communication issue here that has manifested into lack of sex. If you are married this long and your wife cannot speak about it, sounds like you both are not very good at communicating. Ten years living like this is more like distancing than an intimate communicative partnership, imho.
I would be concerned and even with all of my pregnancies and childbirths from hell if my husband and I did not have sex. We would be discussing it pronto. Sexual intimacy is very important in any relationship especially in a long term commitment such as marriage. Before we got married we discussed about it and the importance because we did not want to be like those couples. This takes a lot of effort on both your parts and we still work very hard to maintain our marriage and sex lives. OP, you need to address any concerns regarding all aspects of your relationship from the start not wait around and hope for the best.
You are going to have to really sit down and talk with her about this. Venting here isn't going to help the situation, it will help getting it off your chest. But the person you need to be speaking about this is your wife. Take the kids over to their grandparents for a weekend and really have a deep conversation about this at home and how this is making you feel. You need to be prepared to hear her side of things as well. No accusative screaming match either. A good long talk with the possibility of marriage counselling or a sex therapist.0 -
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scholar007 wrote: »Anytime I raise the subject, its almost as if Ive started a row and then she will ignore me until I apologise for raising the issue (can go on for weeks - is this normal?) - It seems to suit her that I raise it and she then has an excuse to ignore me. - It affects every part of my life!
See above for what happens when I broach the subject. I don't know what to do to be honest. I can't aford to leave0 -
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