Why do women go off sex?

scholar007

When I met herself, she was mad for it. However in recent years (15 years married) she will do anything to avoid it. Like whats the jackanory? Its driving me cracked! :mad: - Yes I'm in permanent employment and we have a nice gaff in a fairly salubrious area - so whats the problem? I try to vary my technique so she doesn't get bored. So ladies whats the answer?

jill_valentine

Ask her if there's anything she wants to try. Anything.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaanything.

Susie_Q

Your post is about your OH - one specific woman. Your title is about ALL women. Just because your partner doesn't want to be intimate anymore doesn't mean all women "go off sex".

Also, why don't you just bloody talk to her like an adult ffs?

scholar007

Susie_Q wrote: »

Your post is about your OH - one specific woman. Your title is about ALL women. Just because your partner doesn't want to be intimate anymore doesn't mean all women "go off sex".

Also, why don't you just bloody talk to her like an adult ffs?

Anytime I raise the subject, its almost as if Ive started a row and then she will ignore me until I apologise for raising the issue (can go on for weeks - is this normal?) - It seems to suit her that I raise it and she then has an excuse to ignore me. - It affects every part of my life!

Wibbs

More suited to here

I am a friend

Would she be seeing someone else?

Another common reason would be that the guy has let himself go??

ihsb

In my past relationship I went off sex for one reason. I was not happy. The relationship wasn't working so I didn't want to have sex and then it made the relationship worse. It went into a down ward spiral.

Seeing as she won't talk to you about it, maybe go to couples counselling?

This is going to sound really cliché, but you should try making her feel special. Make her feel like it's about her, not like it's a chore she has to do for you.

Oryx

scholar007 wrote: »

Anytime I raise the subject, its almost as if Ive started a row and then she will ignore me until I apologise for raising the issue (can go on for weeks - is this normal?) - It seems to suit her that I raise it and she then has an excuse to ignore me. - It affects every part of my life!

She probably sees you asking 'why dont you want sex?' as an attack. Because she already knows you want it more than she does, and that its a bone of contention she would rather avoid. The reasons why any woman might not want sex are a multitude, and in my experience a man can shove issues to one side and just have sex, but for me, everything thats going on can affect libido:

Tired and stressed
Overfamiliarity/boredom
Low libido
Not enough time/risk of interruption by kids etc
Feeling pressure to perform
Feeling unloved
Feeling unsexy/ugly/fat/thin/dowdy
Unresolved issues with their partner (emotional or life based)

You have to keep trying to talk to her, but not in a way that makes her get defensive. Difficult to do if you have a 'history' of rowing about it, I know.

Neyite

scholar007 wrote: »

When I met herself, she was mad for it. However in recent years (15 years married) she will do anything to avoid it. Like whats the jackanory? Its driving me cracked! :mad: - Yes I'm in permanent employment and we have a nice gaff in a fairly salubrious area - so whats the problem? I try to vary my technique so she doesn't get bored. So ladies whats the answer?

It's a bit odd to imply that if you have a steady job, a nice gaff in a nice area that its somehow connected to female sexual arousal. It's not. All that does is ensure that some stressors that can affect relationships are not applicable in your situation, but there are plenty more.

And being "varying" in your technique very much depends on the lady in question. Maybe she is dreading the next "technique" you dream up. She may like it a certain way, and when you introduce new things she gets fed up because she knows what gets her off and this new thing you are doing is not it. It sounds like you dont even discuss the new techniques with her so how do you know its what she wants? Maybe she does not want unusual positions or techniques, maybe she wants more kisses, hugs and affection while having sex?

You offer two reasons why she shouldnt be not up for it, and quite frankly, if you say it to her like that, I'm not surprised you get her shutting down on you like that. I would be beyond furious with my partner if he thought that his job or our home should somehow have me ready and aroused without any other personal input from him.

My point is, it could be anything. You need to rule out what does not apply, and only you and her will know for sure: Have either of you put on weight? - if you have, she may not feel as attracted to you, if she has, maybe she is very self concious about her body. Bad breath? Body hygeine?

Has she changed hormonal contraception? Could she be approaching menopause? Has she started or changed any medications? Could depression apply? Does she get ill, or run down? Has she any other medical issues that might have a knock on effect?

Are you making enough time (outside of sex) for you both as a couple. Are you tactile or affectionate during the day - do you hug, kiss or compliment her? Do you go on dates or romantic nights out/ weekends away? Do you get on ourside of the bedroom or are there issues that are unresolved?

Do you have children? Does she do all the housework? Is she knackered by the end of the day and just wants to fall into bed?

It may very well be that she is no longer attracted to you. It may be that she is happy with a once a week shag, where you still want it 3-4 times a week?

The only thing you can do is ask her what is going on. Tell her that you think its a symptom of something that is going wrong in the relationship and that you want to work with her on it. Suggest counselling, because I think you both are communicating your frustrations very badly here.

shopaholic01

A lot of relationships have a 'best before date'. Maybe yours has expired. Don't mean to be blunt but most women I know don't want to have sex when they have emotionally withdrawn from the relationship. You don't really elaborate on other areas of your relationship so it's hard to say. Do you still talk - not essentials, I mean really talk, go out together, have fun etc?

Talk to her, try counselling, if necessary go your separate ways.

BarackPyjama

It quite simple. Discuss it with her like an adult and try to find out what the problem is and then fix it. If it's not reconcilable, you'll have to reconsider your marriage. A marriage without sexual intimacy isn't really a marriage/relationship.

Torakx

scholar007 wrote: »

Anytime I raise the subject, its almost as if Ive started a row and then she will ignore me until I apologise for raising the issue (can go on for weeks - is this normal?) - It seems to suit her that I raise it and she then has an excuse to ignore me. - It affects every part of my life!

My ex gf wrote me a massive letter after i left her a few years ago,that explained alot after i left her.
One of the issues was she was avoiding sex sometimes and it became more frequent.
Turns out she actually loved the sex and said it was the best she had..strangely the issue was a medical one and she was too embarrassed to tell me.
So instead she became defensive and guilty about it when i tried to figure out what i could do to make things better.
It eventualy built up and aggravated other areas of the relationship and it ended abruptly by me leaving.
Moral of the story is, it might not be you,it might be you.
You will not know unless both parties start communicating.

If she doesnt want to talk about it then she is possibly being defensive for some reason.
Theres a reason for everything and as for finding hers,thats something im not sure.
Each individual has their ways of communicating.

Maybe she needs to know that you need her to communicate or this will become more of an issue.
Maybe she can write you a letter? see a counselor to figure her wy to communicate with you better.
End of the day she will just have to start communicating or this wont get fixed.
Hope you get there.

scholar007

Thanks for the advice - Much appreciated.

Wompa1

From an experience I had myself in a past relationship and from issues some of my older friends have discussed with me, it's usually down to something she's unhappy about. She may be less attracted to you if your appearance has changed much, maybe she's lost feelings for you, or maybe she's got other non-relationship problems on her mind.

No matter what the problem is, If she's unwilling to talk about it, after a while I'd say enough is enough and tell her you want a separation or divorce. I look back at when it happened to me for over a year and because it took a while to get over the woman while she rolled right into bed with somebody else, I just see it as a prison sentence I served.

Sex isn't the be all and end all. But it's an intimacy in a relationship and I think anyway if you don't have that intimacy it puts a strain on the relationship and makes it unbearable for the partner.

R.D. aka MR.D

In a past relationship i went of sex because my OH didn't have a filter for his disgusting behaviour like farting and stuff and when we were living together I knew exactly when he had a shower.

I used to try to encourage him to wash more, especially down there but he just never saw the problem.

Basically the mystery was gone!

DERPY HOOFS

Watch porn together.Buy her viagra and a dildo.
Dress up and go out some night and stay in a hotel.

Sleepy

Tell her you need to either discuss your sex life or your separation.

She's used to being able to bully you into having her own way so she'll need a shock to get her to behave like an adult.

Miss Fluff

Not being funny here OP but you need to ask your wife why she is no longer interested in having sex with you rather than asking a load of randomers. It could be anything from infidelity to depression to weight gain to any number of other possibilities so better to have a conversation with her (outside of the bedroom) to establish what the hell is going on.

hondasam

scholar007 wrote: »

When I met herself, she was mad for it. However in recent years (15 years married) she will do anything to avoid it. Like whats the jackanory? Its driving me cracked! :mad: - Yes I'm in permanent employment and we have a nice gaff in a fairly salubrious area - so whats the problem? I try to vary my technique so she doesn't get bored. So ladies whats the answer?

scholar007 wrote: »

Anytime I raise the subject, its almost as if Ive started a row and then she will ignore me until I apologise for raising the issue (can go on for weeks - is this normal?) - It seems to suit her that I raise it and she then has an excuse to ignore me. - It affects every part of my life!

It's not all about you. Her age might be a factor, hormones menopause just life in general.
You come across as if it't the end of your world and it's not, concentrate on her and try get her to talk about what't wrong.
Unfortunately not all women are the same so no one can tell you what is wrong with your woman only her.
good luck.:)

LegacyUser

You say she gets defensive if you raise the subject so you need to approach this from a different angle. I would agree with some of the other posters that it may be something else that is bothering her so I try to get her to talk with "Is everything alright" "is there anything bothering you" "Is there anything I can do for you", or maybe start with "you seem down/stressed/worried". Keep tending to her for a while until she talks or starts being intimate again. Make sure she is happy / content and if after a while (maybe a couple of weeks), still no intimacy I would broach the subject directly again. If still nothing, I would asking if she is still attracted to you, maybe throw separation on the table and see how she reacts to that. It might be on her mind too.

curlzy

Hey OP,

I've gone through low libido once or twice and it's always been down to stress. When I was in my last year of working full time while doing college part time it went down to once every few months :eek: Another time it was when I had fallen out with a very good friend and I was very down. Luckily for me I have an extremely wonderful and supportive boyfriend who understood and put up with it until my libido returned and then I more than made up for it:D

As you've seen here there's a million different possibilities but only your wife can tell you the answer. My suggestion is to bring her out for dinner and a proper talk. Start off with, "sweetie, I know this discussion annoys you but it's really starting to affect me and make me feel really low, please tell me why you've gone off sex" or something along those lines.

I really think you need to have a proper adult conversation in a non sexual environment about your needs and how they aren't being met. She may throw a strop and stop talking but if you keep absolutely calm then she really won't have an excuse, it may be that she will calm down and discuss it if she doens't feel under attach and you stick to how this is affecting you. Just make sure to leave blame out of it.

Best of luck


*** If it turns out it's just down to a low libido, then "horny goats weed" is available from health food shops and it really works.

LegacyUser

All the advice here is good so far. But my recommendation to you is instead of referring it to as sex. Ask her to "make love to you"

The term "sex" can be taken as impersonal. Bring the intimacy back into the relationship as others suggested. Tell your wife that you want to make love to her and show her not just say it. Surprise her with a dinner and bottle of wine when she gets home. Take her away for the weekend, pamper her with a massage.

Asking for just sex may make her feel "unloved". Make her feel loved and wanted. If you are running around the house like a sick little puppy asking or demanding it you may be possibly turning her off from it.

I know we all want sex and miss it from time to time but there needs to be intimacy back in the relationship that may help her back get into the mood.

scholar007

Actually, I have been thinking about this a bit more, surely physical intimacy is an integral part of a relationship? My moods or how Im feeling generally don't diminish my desire so why are women different? Surely its a basic human need that you want to have sex every now and then?

Oryx

scholar007 wrote: »

Actually, I have been thinking about this a bit more, surely physical intimacy is an integral part of a relationship? My moods or how Im feeling generally don't diminish my desire so why are women different? Surely its a basic human need that you want to have sex every now and then?

There is no such thing as a typical man, or typical woman, or typical person. Everyones needs vary, everyones sex drive varies. There are people out there who want sex four times a day, others are happily celibate all their lives.

I dont want to get into the whole gender divide on sex drive, but what you need to see is that this woman at this time, does not want sex as much as you. You need to ask her why, not get into stats on what other people do. Getting into the whole discussion like that will only make things worse, because technically, youre telling her she is not normal. Nothing better than that to push her further away from you.

daisybelle2008

scholar007 wrote: »

Actually, I have been thinking about this a bit more, surely physical intimacy is an integral part of a relationship? My moods or how Im feeling generally don't diminish my desire so why are women different? Surely its a basic human need that you want to have sex every now and then?

You seem bent on making this a gender issue. As people have said it really could be down to a number of reasons.
You have said when you try to broach the subject it turns into a row and she can ignore you for weeks, and you even think she might use it as an excuse to ignore you. That is not good.
How is your relationship in other ways? Do you have much intimacy other than sex. Do you do a lot of activitys together, hold hands, do you communicate and share feelings and thoughts on a deep level?
The reason I am asking is that if that isn't happening and you have grown apart there is a good chance it is not a reduced libido due to moods or external issues. It could be that she does not love you anymore.
Gender issues aside, do you think she still wants to be with you as a person or is just going through the motions of the relationship out of a sense of duty or fear of change?

scholar007

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

You seem bent on making this a gender issue. As people have said it really could be down to a number of reasons.
You have said when you try to broach the subject it turns into a row and she can ignore you for weeks, and you even think she might use it as an excuse to ignore you. That is not good.
How is your relationship in other ways? Do you have much intimacy other than sex. Do you do a lot of activitys together, hold hands, do you communicate and share feelings and thoughts on a deep level?
The reason I am asking is that if that isn't happening and you have grown apart there is a good chance it is not a reduced libido due to moods or external issues. It could be that she does not love you anymore.
Gender issues aside, do you think she still wants to be with you as a person or is just going through the motions of the relationship out of a sense of duty or fear of change?

Im not trying to turn this into a gender issue. Far from it. No she is not normally intimate. That stopped when our family was complete. She seems to be happy with what she has and does not need sex anymore - Simple as! - I feel kind of shortchanged to be honest because there is diddly squat I can do about it - I cant afford to leave and I have kids so im stuck!

curlzy

scholar007 wrote: »

Im not trying to turn this into a gender issue. Far from it. No she is not normally intimate. That stopped when our family was complete. She seems to be happy with what she has and does not need sex anymore - Simple as! - I feel kind of shortchanged to be honest because there is diddly squat I can do about it - I cant afford to leave and I have kids so im stuck!

I wonder how she's not jumping your bones :rolleyes: Honestly OP, your attitude is disgusting, it's not wonder she doesn't want you inside her. Seriously OP, get into councelling either together or by yourself to sort out your attitutude, because that's what's turning her off I'd say. The comment "I feel kind of shortchanged" kinda sounds like you think she OWES you sex or something, if you're displaying that attitude then it's really no wonder that you aren't getting any.

Do you think that women don't want sex aside from when they're making babies? Because if so then you're probably not very good in the sack. I can't imagine how you could be good if you really think that way, what would be the point in trying to please a women if they only ever have sex to have babies? If it's true that you're no good in the sack that would be the reason I'd say. Seriously OP, I may be picking you up wrong but you seem to have a bit of a sexist attitude, that's deeply unsexy BTW.

Best of luck.

Sleepy

To be fair, it certainly wouldn't be the first time I've heard of a woman who went off sex once she'd decided she'd had as many children as she wanted and expected her husband to be happy to live with that.

Where curlzy is right, is that counselling for the pair of ye is a good idea. Going on your own won't help as no amount of counselling will get rid of your libido.

curlzy

Sleepy, I get the feeling from your last post that you also seem to think this is a problem that's mostly related to women just not wanting sex. If so check out the thread "why won't he have sex with me?" started by frustratedgirl and enlighten yourself.

Have to laugh really, isn't it funny that men that have to deal with this problem and that think this way, never seem to wonder if it is to do with them and their performance, they'd rather think it must be the entire female population :rolleyes:.

Sleepy

I've seen that thread (and your rather strange advice in it). Isn't it funny how some women can see no wrong in anyone of their own gender? :rolleyes:

The notion that he's not providing any of her needs is nothing more than an assumption as he's never stated whether they're affectionate in other ways, whether they generally get on, if he pulls his weight at home or their marriage is happy in other ways. The OP has clearly stated his other half isn't prepared to discuss the issue with him so how would he even know if his other half felt this way?

Most people (yourself included from what you've posted in other threads) would consider a relationship without sex to be one that's not worth living in. scholar007 has stated he feels stuck with this relationship due to financial reasons and their having kids together. (you're wrong here btw scholar007, if the marriage has deteriorated to the point where it's not worth saving, your kids would be better off with you and your wife living your own, happier lives, frustrated and miserable parents don't make for good role-models).

If your wife won't discuss the issues with you, would she consider marriage counselling. The vary fact you're suggesting it should be enough to let her know how serious a state your marriage is in as usually counselling ends in one of two ways: a couple re-building a happy marriage (which sex is very much a part of) or going their separate ways...

Be prepared to hear things you don't like at the sessions and it may be the case, as curlzy assumes, that there are other areas of your marriage where you're the one not pulling your weight, it may be the case that your wife is in fact asexual and has never enjoyed your sex life together, seeing it only as a means of attracting a man and having babies and it may be the case that you're better off apart from each other. Sure, finances will be squeezed dreadfully by a separation, they usually are but children are better off with two poor but happy parents that live apart than parents that make each other miserable and who clearly resent each other.

BarackPyjama

Sleepy wrote: »

I've seen that thread (and your rather strange advice in it). Isn't it funny how some women can see no wrong in anyone of their own gender? :rolleyes:

The notion that he's not providing any of her needs is nothing more than an assumption as he's never stated whether they're affectionate in other ways, whether they generally get on, if he pulls his weight at home or their marriage is happy in other ways. The OP has clearly stated his other half isn't prepared to discuss the issue with him so how would he even know if his other half felt this way?

Most people (yourself included from what you've posted in other threads) would consider a relationship without sex to be one that's not worth living in. scholar007 has stated he feels stuck with this relationship due to financial reasons and their having kids together. (you're wrong here btw scholar007, if the marriage has deteriorated to the point where it's not worth saving, your kids would be better off with you and your wife living your own, happier lives, frustrated and miserable parents don't make for good role-models).

If your wife won't discuss the issues with you, would she consider marriage counselling. The vary fact you're suggesting it should be enough to let her know how serious a state your marriage is in as usually counselling ends in one of two ways: a couple re-building a happy marriage (which sex is very much a part of) or going their separate ways...

Be prepared to hear things you don't like at the sessions and it may be the case, as curlzy assumes, that there are other areas of your marriage where you're the one not pulling your weight, it may be the case that your wife is in fact asexual and has never enjoyed your sex life together, seeing it only as a means of attracting a man and having babies and it may be the case that you're better off apart from each other. Sure, finances will be squeezed dreadfully by a separation, they usually are but children are better off with two poor but happy parents that live apart than parents that make each other miserable and who clearly resent each other.

OP - the above post tells you everything you need to know to deal with the situation.

curlzy

Sleepy wrote: »

I've seen that thread (and your rather strange advice in it). Isn't it funny how some women can see no wrong in anyone of their own gender? :rolleyes:

The notion that he's not providing any of her needs is nothing more than an assumption as he's never stated whether they're affectionate in other ways, whether they generally get on, if he pulls his weight at home or their marriage is happy in other ways. The OP has clearly stated his other half isn't prepared to discuss the issue with him so how would he even know if his other half felt this way?

Most people (yourself included from what you've posted in other threads) would consider a relationship without sex to be one that's not worth living in. scholar007 has stated he feels stuck with this relationship due to financial reasons and their having kids together. (you're wrong here btw scholar007, if the marriage has deteriorated to the point where it's not worth saving, your kids would be better off with you and your wife living your own, happier lives, frustrated and miserable parents don't make for good role-models).

If your wife won't discuss the issues with you, would she consider marriage counselling. The vary fact you're suggesting it should be enough to let her know how serious a state your marriage is in as usually counselling ends in one of two ways: a couple re-building a happy marriage (which sex is very much a part of) or going their separate ways...

Be prepared to hear things you don't like at the sessions and it may be the case, as curlzy assumes, that there are other areas of your marriage where you're the one not pulling your weight, it may be the case that your wife is in fact asexual and has never enjoyed your sex life together, seeing it only as a means of attracting a man and having babies and it may be the case that you're better off apart from each other. Sure, finances will be squeezed dreadfully by a separation, they usually are but children are better off with two poor but happy parents that live apart than parents that make each other miserable and who clearly resent each other.

If my advise was so strange and weird why did you quote me and then say "This is good advice. Speak to him about it somewhere private at a time when neither of you have any demands on your time. It's not a conversation for the breakfast table when you're on your way to work or for a coffee shop where the girl at the next table can eavesdrop!" that's a direct quote from you regarding my advise.
Perhaps you're thinking of something else I wrote?

Anyways the difference here isn't gender Sleepy, to me anyways, it's the age and family situation that's the difference. The girl on the other thread is 22 and there's no children involved, she can totally walk away. The OP on this thread is married and has kids, not so nice if he just walks away, although his happiness his happiness is important too. The thing is if the OP here is displaying this "why do women go off sex?" attitiude then it's really not going to help his cause, it's whingey and sad and sexist. He's much better off trying to talk to his wife in a non sexual environment and really impressing on her how much it's affecting him. It sounds like she's just shutting down whenever he speaks and to be honest if he's continuously approaching this as something to do with gender I don't blame her.

Seriously OP, rather then turning into a woman hater why not try and get some decent dialog going? Would you rather loose your family and everything you've built than try to communicate about this again?

Just thinking, maybe, could you write her a letter? Then you can just leave it with her and tell her in it how this is making you feel. Perhaps she would be more able to take it in if she has time to mull it over rather then reacting to you in conversation? Just a thought anyways.

Either way OP, if this was down to gender and babies then no one would be having sex over the age of 45 and you know that's not true.

Best of luck to you, your wife and your kids.

*** EDIT: With regards to Sleepy's suggestion that she may be asexual and never enjoyed sex, I did a little search and it seems that 1% of adults (male and female) are asexual, perhaps she IS in the 1%? Another thing for you to discuss with her, ask if she actually enjoys/enjoyed sex.

hondasam

scholar007 wrote: »

Actually, I have been thinking about this a bit more, surely physical intimacy is an integral part of a relationship? My moods or how Im feeling generally don't diminish my desire so why are women different? Surely its a basic human need that you want to have sex every now and then?

Sex is either a feast or a famine in some long term relationships.
We all want sex some times but not with someone we don't like, maybe this is the problem with your wife.
You cannot assume all women are like your wife same as you are not like all men. Moods vary for everyone.
Physical intimacy is a very important part of any relationship, you and your wife obviously have different issues and I think counselling is what ye need.

What age is she? if you don't mind saying.

scholar007

hondasam wrote: »

What age is she? if you don't mind saying.

39

daisybelle2008

scholar007 wrote: »

39

Do you think she still fancies you and sees you as a lover?

If she will not discuss it and does not have any interest in sex with you, can you face another 30-40 years without it?

Sleepy

curlzy wrote: »

If my advise was so strange and weird why did you quote me and then say "This is good advice. Speak to him about it somewhere private at a time when neither of you have any demands on your time. It's not a conversation for the breakfast table when you're on your way to work or for a coffee shop where the girl at the next table can eavesdrop!" that's a direct quote from you regarding my advise.
Perhaps you're thinking of something else I wrote?

Nice selective quoting - the warped "denial of her pleasure" bit you conjured up before hand was clearly what I was referring to, as was clearly laid out in the rest of the post you're quoting.

Anyways the difference here isn't gender Sleepy, to me anyways, it's the age and family situation that's the difference. The girl on the other thread is 22 and there's no children involved, she can totally walk away. The OP on this thread is married and has kids, not so nice if he just walks away, although his happiness his happiness is important too. The thing is if the OP here is displaying this "why do women go off sex?" attitiude then it's really not going to help his cause, it's whingey and sad and sexist. He's much better off trying to talk to his wife in a non sexual environment and really impressing on her how much it's affecting him. It sounds like she's just shutting down whenever he speaks and to be honest if he's continuously approaching this as something to do with gender I don't blame her.

I got the impression it was asked generally in a "why do women do this?" way because it's quite a common problem tbh. A woman's libido waning is probably second in frequency only to the "he/she left me how can I get over him/her? wah!" or "I like this guy/girl, what should I do?" threads.

I sincerely doubt he's talking to her in a "why do women do this?" fashion: he's discussing his problem in the abstract. Something men are quite prone to do. In general, we're not often great at discussing our emotions and, as such, find it easier to discuss them in a broader, abstract way.

Seriously OP, rather then turning into a woman hater why not try and get some decent dialog going? Would you rather loose your family and everything you've built than try to communicate about this again?

Just thinking, maybe, could you write her a letter? Then you can just leave it with her and tell her in it how this is making you feel. Perhaps she would be more able to take it in if she has time to mull it over rather then reacting to you in conversation? Just a thought anyways.

Either way OP, if this was down to gender and babies then no one would be having sex over the age of 45 and you know that's not true.

Best of luck to you, your wife and your kids.

*** EDIT: With regards to Sleepy's suggestion that she may be asexual and never enjoyed sex, I did a little search and it seems that 1% of adults (male and female) are asexual, perhaps she IS in the 1%? Another thing for you to discuss with her, ask if she actually enjoys/enjoyed sex.

Some of your advice (like the above) is great, there's just no need to couch it in such an overly defensive, looking for the misogynist in every male manner.

OP - some feedback on your thoughts on peoples suggestions would help those of us trying to give you advce, do you recognise any of the suggested reasons why your wifes sex drive has all but disappeared as being possibilities?

scholar007

Sleepy wrote: »

Nice selective quoting - the warped "denial of her pleasure" bit you conjured up before hand was clearly what I was referring to, as was clearly laid out in the rest of the post you're quoting.


I got the impression it was asked generally in a "why do women do this?" way because it's quite a common problem tbh. A woman's libido waning is probably second in frequency only to the "he/she left me how can I get over him/her? wah!" or "I like this guy/girl, what should I do?" threads.

I sincerely doubt he's talking to her in a "why do women do this?" fashion: he's discussing his problem in the abstract. Something men are quite prone to do. In general, we're not often great at discussing our emotions and, as such, find it easier to discuss them in a broader, abstract way.


Some of your advice (like the above) is great, there's just no need to couch it in such an overly defensive, looking for the misogynist in every male manner.

OP - some feedback on your thoughts on peoples suggestions would help those of us trying to give you advce, do you recognise any of the suggested reasons why your wifes sex drive has all but disappeared as being possibilities?

Thanks for all the advice / opinions - The only thing I am sure of is she went right off it just after our last child was born (10 years ago) - It was kind of that she felt she had enough of that kind of thing. As I said when I met her first it was great - she would even do bjs / dress up etc. Alas no more

cynder

scholar007 wrote: »

Thanks for all the advice / opinions - The only thing I am sure of is she went right off it just after our last child was born (10 years ago) - It was kind of that she felt she had enough of that kind of thing. As I said when I met her first it was great - she would even do bjs / dress up etc. Alas no more

Same happened to me after my last was born, it's taken 5 years for me to get back into it. It wasn't anything my hubby did or didn't do I just wasn't that into it.

I got myself a ummm rabbit ( if you know what I mean) and I read a lot of books most of those books would have very romantic scenes not full sex scenes but sexual scenes- just the way the man would touch the woman ( my hubby was very hands off unless he wanted something) so i started asking him for hugs and kisses, I found myself becoming more sexual and making first contact.

It also didn't help that our 12 year old in in the next room and can here us turn in the bed let alone wrestle in the bed so we would have to wait until all the kids were asleep and by that time we could to to tired. So we arranged lunch time meet ups at home and it worked very well, neither of us were tired and we both had energy.


But the thing is we talked about it, we were both open about what we wanted.


Just to add, sex has never been better for both of us, he got a few supprises from the books I've read (I copied a few things)... I was not as open to things before, I was quite reserved where as now I know what I want, I know what I like and I can show him what I want/like. Before I didnt express those wants or desires.

As young lovers you flirt all the time, I would suggest you start flirting with your wife. If like me she thinks the only time you touch her is when you want something she could start resenting you. This is what happened with me.


I love flirting with my hubby now

Morag

scholar007 wrote: »

Im not trying to turn this into a gender issue. Far from it. No she is not normally intimate. That stopped when our family was complete. She seems to be happy with what she has and does not need sex anymore - Simple as! - I feel kind of shortchanged to be honest because there is diddly squat I can do about it - I cant afford to leave and I have kids so im stuck!

Talk to her about contraception options.
Do you consider your family finished?
Would you consider getting the snip?

scholar007

Sharrow wrote: »

Talk to her about contraception options.
Do you consider your family finished?
Would you consider getting the snip?

Whats contraception got to do with it? Yes we are not having anymore.

The snip? - No way! - I wouldn't feel like a man anymore!

pwurple

If family is finished, and you want to have sex, then contraception has to come into it. The pill, condoms, calendar... you have to use something if you haven't had the snip. 39 is fertile. Women can and do have children right into their late 40s.

If she is on the pill, or any other kind of hormone, then that can affect libido. If you want to use the calendar method instead, then it's off limits for certain times in the cycle.

Also, bear in mind that birth can do a good bit of damage sometimes. If there were stitches or tears from the last birth, they may have healed badly and cause sex to be either painful or be left with no feeling at all in that area. (That can often be addressed by a doctor by the way)

Most people react badly to being pestered for something. It's the Mrs Doyle effect. go on go on go on go on go on... feck off Tea. If you've accidentally done the pestering thing, then the best remedy would be to try being affectionate without it ending in sex for a while. And let it build from there.

LegacyUser

scholar007 wrote: »

Whats contraception got to do with it? Yes we are not having anymore.

The snip? - No way! - I wouldn't feel like a man anymore!

It takes two to tango. If you do not take any responsibility then I can actually empathise with your wife. Birth control and contraception is the responsibility of BOTH partners not one!

If your wife at all had any complications during her pregnancies and childbirths then maybe it's fear of getting pregnant again. Maybe this is why she does not want sex anymore. I know that I feared having sex after my second child because my pregnancies and childbirths were terrible. When my husband and I had sex after my second pregnancy, we used extra precautions, birth control, spermicide and condoms well it didn't work as I got pregnant with number three! After I got my tubes tied, guess what? got pregnant again five years later:eek:. Then it was my husband's turn to get snipped. It didn't make him any less of a man and getting my tubes tied didn't make me any less of a woman either. We no longer wanted to take the risks and I told my husband if he wanted sex he had to get it done because if I was able to get pregnant with all those precautions then abstinence was my only option as that is 100% fool proof. He went and got the procedure done very fast .

Take some responsibility and maybe she will feel wee bit at ease if this is her primary concern.

scholar007 wrote: »

Thanks for all the advice / opinions - The only thing I am sure of is she went right off it just after our last child was born (10 years ago) - It was kind of that she felt she had enough of that kind of thing. As I said when I met her first it was great - she would even do bjs / dress up etc. Alas no more

Maybe she has different views about sex as you do? Maybe she views within the context of marriage as procreation? When you met her and had this explosive sex - did you ask then why it stopped? Maybe, OP your relationship dynamic turned from husband and wife to housemates? This happens a lot and have two friends going through a divorce now because of it. If this has been happening for 10 years why did you wait until now to do something about it? Ten years is a very long time to sit around and wait and is enough time to get used to it like your wife has. I agree that it is not fair to you as you feel neglected. Have you considered that not talking about it or not doing anything until now has made her feel neglected too? Maybe it is more about sex, OP. I think there may be a communication issue here that has manifested into lack of sex. If you are married this long and your wife cannot speak about it, sounds like you both are not very good at communicating. Ten years living like this is more like distancing than an intimate communicative partnership, imho.

I would be concerned and even with all of my pregnancies and childbirths from hell if my husband and I did not have sex. We would be discussing it pronto. Sexual intimacy is very important in any relationship especially in a long term commitment such as marriage. Before we got married we discussed about it and the importance because we did not want to be like those couples. This takes a lot of effort on both your parts and we still work very hard to maintain our marriage and sex lives. OP, you need to address any concerns regarding all aspects of your relationship from the start not wait around and hope for the best.

You are going to have to really sit down and talk with her about this. Venting here isn't going to help the situation, it will help getting it off your chest. But the person you need to be speaking about this is your wife. Take the kids over to their grandparents for a weekend and really have a deep conversation about this at home and how this is making you feel. You need to be prepared to hear her side of things as well. No accusative screaming match either. A good long talk with the possibility of marriage counselling or a sex therapist.

Morag

Once a woman hits 38 the contraceptive pills side effects can hit home very hard.
If she is unhappy on the pill and is worried about getting pregant again and the pill is effecting her labido then it may have a lot to do with why you aren't getting any.

The snip? - No way! - I wouldn't feel like a man anymore!

Is not having making you feel like you are not a man any more?

You need to sort out how you feel and talk all this through with your life.
I honestly think you both should try couples counseling.

Piliger

scholar007 wrote: »

... Yes I'm in permanent employment and we have a nice gaff in a fairly salubrious area - so whats the problem?....

Mr OP ... this sentence on it's own says a whole lot about what the possible reason is for her to go cool.

scholar007

Piliger wrote: »

Mr OP ... this sentence on it's own says a whole lot about what the possible reason is for her to go cool.

Scanlas The 2nd

OP id ask her firstly if your happiness is important to her. Then ask her if she is still attracted to you, if yes then ask if she can think of any reason you don't have sex anymore as its making you unhappy. If she isn't attracted to you then you need to discuss seeing other people. This doesn't mean you have to break up and split the family. You need to decide whether you can be happy for the rest of your life with your current sex life.

Best of luck

Ickle Magoo

Seems rather obvious but I've read the thread and I can't see where you've discussed this with her. If you've been unhappy for 10 years since she had your last child and you aren't able to approach her for an honest heart to heart then there are bigger issues afoot that your sex-life.

First things first, ask her what the issue is and then work together to find a solution you are both happy with. First of all though, you need to make it clear you aren't happy with or prepared to live with the status quo and ask that she at least meets you half-way - and that goes both ways so be prepared that finding a solution might mean exploring different contraceptive options or couple counselling and compromise on your side, too.

All the very best. :cool:

scholar007

scholar007 wrote: »

Anytime I raise the subject, its almost as if Ive started a row and then she will ignore me until I apologise for raising the issue (can go on for weeks - is this normal?) - It seems to suit her that I raise it and she then has an excuse to ignore me. - It affects every part of my life!

See above for what happens when I broach the subject. I don't know what to do to be honest. I can't aford to leave

hondasam

scholar007 wrote: »

See above for what happens when I broach the subject. I don't know what to do to be honest. I can't aford to leave

Are ye happy apart from the sex issue? would you really leave someone you love for this reason?

scholar007

hondasam wrote: »

Are ye happy apart from the sex issue? would you really leave someone you love for this reason?

Would you not consider it (or rather the lack of it) a bit of a problem?