Gift Register

Teach30 · 28-01-2021 1:21pm

Heart Break Kid wrote: »

Makes a lot of sense if your buying or just moving into your a new home. I think its a good idea and most people would be familiar with it. Some may think its rude but those really haven't given a lot of thought to it.

Thanks, some positive feedback is most welcome. I am taking everyone views on board and will approach the whole idea gently. I’m not putting obscenely expensive items on it. (I’d prefer the cheque if theyre going to spend over €500!)

Faith · 28-01-2021 1:56pm

Mod note: Folks, I know it can be hard to believe, but not everyone lives their lives the same way. There ARE rural communities in Ireland who still hold on to a very different way of living, hard as it is for the rest of us to imagine. Teach30 has asked specific questions about a gift registry, not the state of her marriage, so please stick to the topic at hand.

That being said, Teach30 I’ve told you before that you need to seriously reflect on your posting style, and while I believe your story is genuine to a degree, I also think you enjoy riling up posters. If you continue to drag threads off topic, either pulling your own threads off the main topic or by making other threads all about you and your way of doing things, we’ll have to reconsider whether this forum is a good fit for you.

I’ll be deleting a whole host of off-topic posts momentarily.

/end

beveragelady · 28-01-2021 2:57pm

You don't get to decide who can afford to spend money on treats for you. You don't get to decide how much of their disposable income goes on treats for you, no matter how much disposable income they have. You definitely shouldn't expect that people who weren't invited, or can't come, or decide not to come should cough up for a present.

The idea that it's swings and roundabouts and they'll get a present from you some day is nonsense. Nobody lives their life in this transactional manner.

I have thankfully reached a point in life where I cheerily decline invitations to fundraisers disguised as ceremonies or family occasions. Communions, confirmations, weddings, christenings... nope. I'll send best wishes but I'm not going to pay to attend. Plenty of those who buy an outfit and pay for accommodation and stump up the cash for a gift do so grudgingly. I would be mortified to think that anybody felt they were obliged to skimp on something in order to be able to afford to attend my event.

Teach30 · 29-01-2021 6:21pm

beveragelady wrote: »

You don't get to decide who can afford to spend money on treats for you. You don't get to decide how much of their disposable income goes on treats for you, no matter how much disposable income they have. You definitely shouldn't expect that people who weren't invited, or can't come, or decide not to come should cough up for a present. .

Thanks for the input, of course I’m not making anyone give money It’s a suggestion list no one has to use it if they don’t want to!

There will be a over 200 people who unfortunately can’t come as I imagine strict restrictions will remain in place over the coming months.
If a list was there it might be a nice way for anyone who wished to bid us well with a small token a way to do so. If not that’s grand too.

I’m still unsure but in my mind it makes practical sense.

bee06 · 30-01-2021 5:35pm

I’m from a rural community myself and I’ve only ever heard of a gift register once and it was the height of the Celtic tiger. Money is the done thing here. We got lots of engagement presents but those same people gave us money for a wedding present.

If you want to go ahead I personally would say give a wide range of present values and only give it to people who ask what you’d like especially if they aren’t invited (but would have been).

rainbowtrout · 30-01-2021 8:11pm

Teach30 wrote: »

I’m rural, only sending the list to relatives who’d be giving a gift or cheque anyways. If any neighbours enquire about it it’ll be there for them to look up. I’ll get the mother to pass on the info.

Will be very insulted if neighbours didn’t return the favour. While ye might say it’s not about receiving back what you gave, down our way it would be seen as very bad form not to give back.

Small communities talk, we all know each other’s business.

I think you're missing the point that you are asking them for a gift by sending them the register, when they are not invited.

All of your relatives may well give you a gift or cheque, but it's up to them to decide that rather than be on the receiving end of a crass shake down for money.

Another thing you are not considering is that people give gifts if they are invited to a wedding. Plenty don't give if they don't get an invite. Now numbers are largely out of your hands this year. Government will dictate your numbers, but with that will come a get out of jail free card : no invite, no gift required.

Just to echo something another poster mentioned, if you have your register at BT the items on it by default will be expensive. People will feel awkward buying smaller items that don't match because that's what their budget is. A friend of mine ended up in that position a few years back, the only time I've heard of a register being used, and she said the list was in BT and most of it was out of her range and she ended up getting a ridiculous combination of things like a ladle, two wine glasses and napkin rings, or something like that.

Birdsong · 30-01-2021 8:24pm

Teach30 wrote: »

They’ll all be invited we had 280 on original list but if it’s still at 6 well then no one will be coming.

QUOTE]

This sounds to me you are inviting people to get the present. There is no way that weddings of that number will be held this year or indeed 2022. Why would you be "inviting " people when you know they won't be able to go.

qwerty13 · 31-01-2021 3:52am

I’ve seen your posts before OP. You have to realise that not everyone - in fact not many - are as materialistic as you. I know you love your designer gear, but that doesn’t mean that your friends and relatives should be funding designer gear for your new house.

If some wants to donate cash to your dream household goods, then that suits you. If they don’t, I suspect they might be more traditional, in which case even having it through Arnotts might make it more palatable to a wider audience.

It would be incredibly crass and ill mannered to send your gift list to people you know cannot attend.

beveragelady · 31-01-2021 12:28pm

You have a strange attitude to money. In this and your other threads you come across as somebody who measures value only in monetary terms. That's tragic but probably harmless. Unfortunately you have been allowed to form the impression that it's up to other people in your life to keep throwing their money at you so you feel valued. Your comments about the value of your engagement ring, for example, are indicative of this and make particularly grim reading

You come across as grabby and entitled but I don't think that's the story at all. I think you measure your own worth by looking at the pricetags on 'gifts' you extract from people around you. You spend money on designer goods because of the same logic. 'It's expensive and that means it's valuable and it's mine so that means I'm valuable.'

I remember a thread from a lady who was worried about moving from her parents' house to her husband's house after the wedding. I can't find it but some of the details seem familiar.

31-01-2021 3:41pm

I don't agree with the OP's views around gifts and money however she did ask a question rather than look for a psych consult.
It's ok to have a different position on weddings and the things that matter.

Teach30 · 31-01-2021 6:02pm

beveragelady wrote: »

You come across as grabby and entitled but I don't think that's the story at all. I think you measure your own worth by looking at the pricetags on 'gifts' you extract from people around you. You spend money on designer goods because of the same logic. 'It's expensive and that means it's valuable and it's mine so that means I'm valuable.'

I.

Not in the least grabby or entitled, I work hard and enjoy nice things as a result of that. I prefer quality over quantity and if that’s means “designer” then so be it. If I value expensive, good quality things and appreciate them and the work that goes into achieving them it doesn’t mean I’m at all entitled as you say.

My train of thought is that a list would allow older guests who would appreciate the idea (know I would find it useful if friends used lists) the opportunity to gift something of practical use. They don’t have to refer to it.

If it’s not your style then that’s grand but no need to bring someone else down over it and make them feel bad for having a different set of values to yours.

skallywag · 31-01-2021 6:10pm

I think it is a great idea OP.

If a large portion of your guests are older rural folk then I can completely understand how many will not feel comfortable giving cash. That said they will still very likely want to get you a valuable gift, and will very often struggle to select something which they think that you will really enjoy receiving. Hence having a facility where they can browse items which they know in advance that you will enjoy is also taking what can be a heavy weight off their own minds. I also identify completely with the fact that many who will not be able to attend due to the current climate will want to get you a gift regardless.

OP, you came on here asking a fair question and I can only applaud you for not being risen by some of the bitchy, interfering and frankly totally inappropriate comments which you have received. Hopefully you were familiar with this particular forum in advance. If should be one of the happier places on Boards but for some reason which is beyond me it tends to be perhaps the nastiest and bitchiest location on the forum.

eviltwin · 31-01-2021 6:18pm

Teach30 wrote: »

Thanks for the input, of course I’m not making anyone give money It’s a suggestion list no one has to use it if they don’t want to!

There will be a over 200 people who unfortunately can’t come as I imagine strict restrictions will remain in place over the coming months.
If a list was there it might be a nice way for anyone who wished to bid us well with a small token a way to do so. If not that’s grand too.

I’m still unsure but in my mind it makes practical sense.

If they can’t come they may not choose to give a gift. Some people only do so because they feel they should after being the recipient of a couples hospitality - take that away and they may not feel obligated.

I know you are setting up the register for older people who may not be comfortable giving cash. Respectfully I say don’t assume they will be in a position to buy something from a high end shop either. Wedding registers do put pressure on people and now more than ever I think you need to be mindful that other people may not be as well off as you.

I really think under the circumstances you should think about holding off on sending out the register unless specifically asked about a gift. What is the worst that will happen? You get some cash or gifts you aren’t keen on? Is it really that bad?

I know you’ve said before it’s the done thing and tit for tat gift buying is the norm but it’s ridiculous notions like that that lead people to overstretch themselves. Now more than ever I think we all need to remember the pressures some people are under, perhaps privately. You won’t remember your wedding for the gifts anyway.

beveragelady · 31-01-2021 6:19pm

Teach30 wrote: »

Not in the least grabby or entitled, I work hard and enjoy nice things as a result of that. I prefer quality over quantity and if that’s means “designer” then so be it. If I value expensive, good quality things and appreciate them and the work that goes into achieving them it doesn’t mean I’m at all entitled as you say.

My train of thought is that a list would allow older guests who would appreciate the idea (know I would find it useful if friends used lists) the opportunity to gift something of practical use. They don’t have to refer to it.

If it’s not your style then that’s grand but no need to bring someone else down over it and make them feel bad for having a different set of values to yours.

If you read it again you'll see that in fact I said that I don't think you're grabby or entitled, I think there's something else behind all this 'I'm worth it' rhetoric.

cannotlogin · 31-01-2021 6:22pm

Each to their own and all that but a gift registry for people who are unlikely to attend you wedding.

I'm not usually judgemental but struggling here. It has such an air of "I don't trust any of your judgment in terms of gifts or budget so I'm going to control it for you so you don't mess up".

I've only once been send a gift registry from a couple. They didn't get a gift nor did I attend the wedding. They both have notions of lifestyle neither can afford & look down on everyone. Maybe that's colouring my judgment.

Faith · 31-01-2021 6:30pm

Mod note: Okay, I think this thread is going around in circles now, so I'm going to lock it.

Gift Register

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