Gift Register

lazygal · 28-01-2021 10:50am

Sour Lemonz wrote: »

Unfortunately it is also sometimes tied to a sense of greed, entitlement and narcissistic behavior in an effort to show status or importance.

The best gift I got was my oldest friend coming to my wedding. She was doing a postgrad and living on a shoestring abroad and I would have paid for her to fly home for the day. One of my favourite pictures of the day is us having a chat together.

I can't imagine totting up what people will give us based on what I think their income is.

lazygal · 28-01-2021 10:51am

Teach30 wrote: »

That’s would be the ideal situation but the list is for people who will give a physical gift rather than cash. Its to give them an idea as to what we need/like for new home.

Are you moving to a new home after the wedding?

Teach30 · 28-01-2021 10:52am

ixoy wrote: »

If you're looking at asking for gifts for the registry, I hear that stand mixers go down well here

I’d be delighted with that!

1hnr79jr65 · 28-01-2021 10:53am

lazygal wrote: »

The best gift I got was my oldest friend coming to my wedding. She was doing a postgrad and living on a shoestring abroad and I would have paid for her to fly home for the day. One of my favourite pictures of the day is us having a chat together.

I can't imagine totting up what people will give us based on what I think their income is.

My best gift personally was my father, his wife, my sister and nephews coming to my wedding. None of them could afford to give me a gift, not that i wanted or expected anything, i was happy just to have them there as i don't have a big social circle. Wouldn't trade that for money or gifts.

lazygal · 28-01-2021 10:54am

The stuff is just stuff at the end of the day.
I'd rather have the memories.

Teach30 · 28-01-2021 10:54am

lazygal wrote: »

I think the old tradition of giving stuff to start a home is gone even in my parents' generation. I only know one couple who didn't live together before they got married and even at that they had their own flats for years so didn't need any household items.

We won’t be living together until we are married, we are still living separately with parents hence the list is ideal for those moving in together to act as a guide for those giving physical gifts.

lazygal · 28-01-2021 10:56am

Teach30 wrote: »

We won’t be living together until we are married, we are still living separately with parents hence the list is ideal for those moving in together to act as a guide for those giving physical gifts.

I think this is very unusual these days. As is having a list for people who aren't even invited to the wedding to buy you stuff.

eviltwin · 28-01-2021 11:00am

Teach30 wrote: »

We won’t be living together until we are married, we are still living separately with parents hence the list is ideal for those moving in together to act as a guide for those giving physical gifts.

Would you not wait until you get a place to live? Some stuff that suits one place might not suit another.

Mrsmum · 28-01-2021 11:02am

Teach30 wrote: »

That’s would be the ideal situation but the list is for people who will give a physical gift rather than cash. Its to give them an idea as to what we need/like for new home.

I wouldn't worry about it, most people will give you cash. For the few gifts you get, most shops would be happy to exchange especially if you exchange for a more expensive item, paid for from all the cash you seem set on getting. And if it has to go to charity, sure just be happy that a local charity has benefited from your special day. How bad.

Neyite · 28-01-2021 11:06am

You say that you know the people you are aiming your guest list at are well off and can afford your gifts.

But while those all were happy to stuff a card with a healthy amount of cash back when they were child-free or newly wed it could be a very different story if they've gone on to have children, build a house etc.

They might be scraping every penny together to pay for childcare. Or IVF rounds, investing it in a failing business or discreetly helping out a family member who is in financial difficulty due to the pandemic. They could be paying for medical care /home care for an elderly relative. And nobody discusses those kind of financial matters. In short, there's LOTS of reasons why your assumption that they've lots of disposable cash to spend on you might be a bit short-sighted.

It seems the only person you've asked is your mother, who's in favour of a gift registry, and posters here - and from the thread I'd say you got opinions ranging from 'maybe it's ok with certain caveats' to 'no, too grabby' so maybe you should poll some of your guests to get a more balanced opinion from the people in your circle.

Geuze · 28-01-2021 11:07am

Teach30 wrote: »

Do you not hate when you give an engagement gift and your trying to make up to x amount and end up buying two or three things that are neither here nor there. Or else you end up spending more than you would have in the first place in order to give something decent - maybe I just overthink things?

Yes.

When my friends got engaged, the thought never crossed my mind to give them a gift.

Until you mentioned it, I never knew this concept existed.

I have never received, and I will never give, an engagement gift.

Mrsmum · 28-01-2021 11:20am

This made me remember how when I got married early thirty years ago, we got lots of engraved stuff so there as no getting rid of it. Then you'd have different aunties etc calling to see the new house and you' have to remember to get their particular gift out from under the bed and have it on display. The good old days.

Neyite · 28-01-2021 11:39am

Mrsmum wrote: »

This made me remember how when I got married early thirty years ago, we got lots of engraved stuff so there as no getting rid of it. Then you'd have different aunties etc calling to see the new house and you' have to remember to get their particular gift out from under the bed and have it on display. The good old days.

And anything that wasn't engraved likely got engraved with someone else's details to be re-gifted so it would stop doing the rounds :pac:

lazygal · 28-01-2021 11:41am

Neyite wrote: »

And anything that wasn't engraved likely got engraved with someone else's details to be re-gifted so it would stop doing the rounds :pac:

Himself had a few hipflasks/tankards from various weddings where he was a groomsman with all the wedding details on them. They were a nice thought but a waste of money.

Purple Mountain · 28-01-2021 12:02pm

With most non essential shops closed for the foreseeable future, many guests who would struggle with online buying won't be able to get to a physical store to buy the gifts.
Even if stores reopen, you need to factor in that some people (elderly particularly) may not want to go out shopping.
I think some context is needed for this.
Are you rural or urban and have people in your circle done this before?
I ask because I live rural and a neighbour did a gift register before for a shop in Dublin. The only way for anyone local was to buy from the online site.
I have to say there were a lot of raised eyebrows. Many had never seen a register before and didn't know what to make of it.
They also had money options on it too, I thought that was crass.
Since your wedding is probably going to only have a limited number of guests, I still dont understand how you're going to 'send' people your gift register if you're not sending invites and tbh if I received a gift register in the post just randomly, I'd be very insulted.
You could just tell the people who ask you what you would like that you'd like a voucher from a specific homeware store or cash but I think you might genuinely offend people going down the route of sending a list out.

Teach30 · 28-01-2021 12:14pm

Purple Mountain wrote: »

I think some context is needed for this.
Are you rural or urban and have people in your circle done this before?
They also had money options on it too, I thought that was crass.
Since your wedding is probably going to only have a limited number of guests, I still dont understand how you're going to 'send' people your gift register if you're not sending invites and tbh if I received a gift register in the post just randomly, I'd be very insulted.
You could just tell the people who ask you what you would like that you'd like a voucher from a specific homeware store or cash but I think you might genuinely offend people going down the route of sending a list out.

I’m rural, only sending the list to relatives who’d be giving a gift or cheque anyways. If any neighbours enquire about it it’ll be there for them to look up. I’ll get the mother to pass on the info.

Will be very insulted if neighbours didn’t return the favour. While ye might say it’s not about receiving back what you gave, down our way it would be seen as very bad form not to give back.

Small communities talk, we all know each other’s business.

Loveinapril · 28-01-2021 12:15pm

It sounds like you live in a very old fashioned way in a very old fashioned place so a registry might not seem outside of the norm for your potential guests.

Teach30 · 28-01-2021 12:21pm

eviltwin wrote: »

Would you not wait until you get a place to live? Some stuff that suits one place might not suit another.

We have inherited a house to live in and it’s ready just not living there until we are married. So I have a fair idea as to what suits!

Heart Break Kid · 28-01-2021 1:05pm

Makes a lot of sense if your buying or just moving into your a new home. I think its a good idea and most people would be familiar with it. Some may think its rude but those really haven't given a lot of thought to it.

Mrsmum · 28-01-2021 1:08pm

Heart Break Kid wrote: »

Makes a lot of sense if your buying or just moving into your a new home. I think its a good idea and most people would be familiar with it. Some may think its rude but those really haven't given a lot of thought to it.

I think it's one of those things that's both practical but at the same time quite presumptuous.

Teach30 · 28-01-2021 1:21pm

Heart Break Kid wrote: »

Makes a lot of sense if your buying or just moving into your a new home. I think its a good idea and most people would be familiar with it. Some may think its rude but those really haven't given a lot of thought to it.

Thanks, some positive feedback is most welcome. I am taking everyone views on board and will approach the whole idea gently. I’m not putting obscenely expensive items on it. (I’d prefer the cheque if theyre going to spend over €500!)

Faith · 28-01-2021 1:56pm

Mod note: Folks, I know it can be hard to believe, but not everyone lives their lives the same way. There ARE rural communities in Ireland who still hold on to a very different way of living, hard as it is for the rest of us to imagine. Teach30 has asked specific questions about a gift registry, not the state of her marriage, so please stick to the topic at hand.

That being said, Teach30 I’ve told you before that you need to seriously reflect on your posting style, and while I believe your story is genuine to a degree, I also think you enjoy riling up posters. If you continue to drag threads off topic, either pulling your own threads off the main topic or by making other threads all about you and your way of doing things, we’ll have to reconsider whether this forum is a good fit for you.

I’ll be deleting a whole host of off-topic posts momentarily.

/end

beveragelady · 28-01-2021 2:57pm

You don't get to decide who can afford to spend money on treats for you. You don't get to decide how much of their disposable income goes on treats for you, no matter how much disposable income they have. You definitely shouldn't expect that people who weren't invited, or can't come, or decide not to come should cough up for a present.

The idea that it's swings and roundabouts and they'll get a present from you some day is nonsense. Nobody lives their life in this transactional manner.

I have thankfully reached a point in life where I cheerily decline invitations to fundraisers disguised as ceremonies or family occasions. Communions, confirmations, weddings, christenings... nope. I'll send best wishes but I'm not going to pay to attend. Plenty of those who buy an outfit and pay for accommodation and stump up the cash for a gift do so grudgingly. I would be mortified to think that anybody felt they were obliged to skimp on something in order to be able to afford to attend my event.

Teach30 · 29-01-2021 6:21pm

beveragelady wrote: »

You don't get to decide who can afford to spend money on treats for you. You don't get to decide how much of their disposable income goes on treats for you, no matter how much disposable income they have. You definitely shouldn't expect that people who weren't invited, or can't come, or decide not to come should cough up for a present. .

Thanks for the input, of course I’m not making anyone give money It’s a suggestion list no one has to use it if they don’t want to!

There will be a over 200 people who unfortunately can’t come as I imagine strict restrictions will remain in place over the coming months.
If a list was there it might be a nice way for anyone who wished to bid us well with a small token a way to do so. If not that’s grand too.

I’m still unsure but in my mind it makes practical sense.

bee06 · 30-01-2021 5:35pm

I’m from a rural community myself and I’ve only ever heard of a gift register once and it was the height of the Celtic tiger. Money is the done thing here. We got lots of engagement presents but those same people gave us money for a wedding present.

If you want to go ahead I personally would say give a wide range of present values and only give it to people who ask what you’d like especially if they aren’t invited (but would have been).

rainbowtrout · 30-01-2021 8:11pm

Teach30 wrote: »

I’m rural, only sending the list to relatives who’d be giving a gift or cheque anyways. If any neighbours enquire about it it’ll be there for them to look up. I’ll get the mother to pass on the info.

Will be very insulted if neighbours didn’t return the favour. While ye might say it’s not about receiving back what you gave, down our way it would be seen as very bad form not to give back.

Small communities talk, we all know each other’s business.

I think you're missing the point that you are asking them for a gift by sending them the register, when they are not invited.

All of your relatives may well give you a gift or cheque, but it's up to them to decide that rather than be on the receiving end of a crass shake down for money.

Another thing you are not considering is that people give gifts if they are invited to a wedding. Plenty don't give if they don't get an invite. Now numbers are largely out of your hands this year. Government will dictate your numbers, but with that will come a get out of jail free card : no invite, no gift required.

Just to echo something another poster mentioned, if you have your register at BT the items on it by default will be expensive. People will feel awkward buying smaller items that don't match because that's what their budget is. A friend of mine ended up in that position a few years back, the only time I've heard of a register being used, and she said the list was in BT and most of it was out of her range and she ended up getting a ridiculous combination of things like a ladle, two wine glasses and napkin rings, or something like that.

Birdsong · 30-01-2021 8:24pm

Teach30 wrote: »

They’ll all be invited we had 280 on original list but if it’s still at 6 well then no one will be coming.

QUOTE]

This sounds to me you are inviting people to get the present. There is no way that weddings of that number will be held this year or indeed 2022. Why would you be "inviting " people when you know they won't be able to go.

qwerty13 · 31-01-2021 3:52am

I’ve seen your posts before OP. You have to realise that not everyone - in fact not many - are as materialistic as you. I know you love your designer gear, but that doesn’t mean that your friends and relatives should be funding designer gear for your new house.

If some wants to donate cash to your dream household goods, then that suits you. If they don’t, I suspect they might be more traditional, in which case even having it through Arnotts might make it more palatable to a wider audience.

It would be incredibly crass and ill mannered to send your gift list to people you know cannot attend.

beveragelady · 31-01-2021 12:28pm

You have a strange attitude to money. In this and your other threads you come across as somebody who measures value only in monetary terms. That's tragic but probably harmless. Unfortunately you have been allowed to form the impression that it's up to other people in your life to keep throwing their money at you so you feel valued. Your comments about the value of your engagement ring, for example, are indicative of this and make particularly grim reading

You come across as grabby and entitled but I don't think that's the story at all. I think you measure your own worth by looking at the pricetags on 'gifts' you extract from people around you. You spend money on designer goods because of the same logic. 'It's expensive and that means it's valuable and it's mine so that means I'm valuable.'

I remember a thread from a lady who was worried about moving from her parents' house to her husband's house after the wedding. I can't find it but some of the details seem familiar.

31-01-2021 3:41pm

I don't agree with the OP's views around gifts and money however she did ask a question rather than look for a psych consult.
It's ok to have a different position on weddings and the things that matter.

Gift Register

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