city girl in the country

scarepanda · 18-09-2020 1:14pm

But you are being forced away from them.... By them. They are doing it. Not anyone else.

amdublin · 18-09-2020 5:46pm

You've been with him since you were 21?? And 9 years later this is all coming up now?

All a bit mad.

I'd just ignore your parents tbh. You live in the country, they live in Dublin. Anytime they say anything just say, lookit I'm fine, I like it here, thanks very much.

cannotlogin · 18-09-2020 7:19pm

You seem to have everything most people dream of, a solid relationship with a decent guy, a stable job you love, friends and hobbies and the opportunity to live in a place that provides all that.

Tell you're parents your happy & surely that's the most important thing in life, you're learning to drive to ensure you can visit them regular. Tell them that you want to continue to have a relationship with them but the lies need to stop. After that, you can take comfort in the fact, you've done all you can and if they choose not to accept it that's on them and not you.

MissShihTzu · 18-09-2020 7:59pm

I get it. Your parents are acting out of fear. Fear of 'losing' you, fear of change, fear you won't be there to look after them in their old age - just plain old fashioned fear. I had similar with my late mother when I married and moved here from London - I've mentioned this several times before. She too thought my husband was 'beneath me', married me for money (LOL!), and was controlling of me. Nice to his face, but poisonous and spiteful when his back was turned. We've been married 12 years now...

End result? It spoiled my relationship with my mother. I still went over to see her, but didn't keep in contact as much as I might have done before and I just kept my distance. She's gone now, but I don't regret what I did for a moment. You have only one life and can live it only for you. I learnt the lesson late, trying to please everyone but myself over the years. Now? I please myself, and to hell with what anyone thinks.

If you are happy? Then that's all that counts. Your parents will drive you away with their controlling and bullying behaviour if this keeps up. No amount of money will fix that. I would talk to them once more, laying your cards on the table. They have to accept the life choice you have made, the life partner you have chosen, your decision to learn to drive and stop with the spiteful remarks. Otherwise? You'll be gone for good. Is that what they want??

Irish_rat · 18-09-2020 8:32pm

It's such a nice life story until you mentioned the parents! You need to have a serious discussion with them really and follow your gut.

Sonic the Shaghog · 18-09-2020 10:33pm

Honestly you know something, you and your fiancée would want to nip this in the bud regarding the rumours. I'd be sending a solicitors letter and getting s report on file with the Gardai detailing what they are spreading it could cost him his job with what's being said

wildwillow · 19-09-2020 6:37am

One thing that struck me is that your mother doesn't drive. It may not be unusual for a city dweller but it does mean she would find the country inaccessible without a driver.

I also think not driving is a controlling mechanism in that ones partner must often be available and part of one's plans.

It is no excuse for interfering in your life.

Be brave and give them an ultimatum. Stop interfering or get out of your life.
You are so lucky to have found the real meaning of happiness and I hope you can continue in the life you have chosen.

Maybe the Covid situation would bring your parents to their senses and see what is eally important in life.

I'd love to see your mother's plans for your wedding, bet they don't include a nice country man and a casual relaxed celebration

December2012 · 19-09-2020 6:45pm

Your parents are alleging that your fiance hits you?

If there is no truth to this, that is a heinous snf unforgivable accusation to make. They are toxic. Take your partners side.

LegacyUser · 21-09-2020 1:05pm

Thanks for the advice.
I suppose I look back on my life my parents were very controlling/fussy about things and I just grew so used to it.
I suppose one of the things that attracted me to my fiancee was that he was just so relaxed about things and easy going

irishblessing · 22-09-2020 8:07am

I'm incredibly surprised your fiancé has taken this as well as he has. I'm also surprised it hasn't driven a wedge between you two, which is probably the hoped for effect. What your parents have said and done is far beyond the pale. They were comfortable poisoning and risking any relationship with their only child's future family, but did it anyway. They are deeply, deeply unhealthy people. If my parents treated my partner like that I would be very angry. Only a genuine apology and changed behaviour can sort this. You should prepare yourself though, people rarely change.

It's only obvious you are living an authentic life and are very happy - it's something a lot of people never find. You should protect what you have and do what needs to be done to protect it. Sometimes people have to protect themselves from their family, even there own parents. It's not uncommon. I would advice getting very clear on YOUR terms. They may be your parents who gave you a life and reared you, but that doesn't mean you have to sacrifice yours to please them. Get your thoughts in order, communicate your wants and needs with them clearly, and tell them that if they won't support you and be happy for you, then they're against you and you would have to limit contact.

You could try to have a word with a couple of your cousins to set the story straight, but be careful because people who have never experienced toxic family often don't understand and can't empathise. They will say things like "but you only have one mam/dad." Well, you only have one life, too. You will need to be prepared to be strong to keep living for you anyway, despite what anyone says. You don't need anyone's approval.

TLDR: establish firm boundaries with your parents to protect the healthy and happy life you have now. You chose your fiancé and your place is with him now and protecting what you have is priority.

Antares35 · 22-09-2020 11:44am

irishblessing wrote: »

TLDR: establish firm boundaries with your parents to protect the healthy and happy life you have now. You chose your fiancé and your place is with him now and protecting what you have is priority.

Wow, I wish I could thank this a million times. I think this advice is relevant to so many people really. I've toxic parents too but for different reasons (they stood by the family member who molested me as a child) but the advice really resonates with me.

OP, like you I have found happiness with someone else and while my parents didn't try to drive a wedge between us, their morally reprehensible treatment of me affected my mental health so badly that I nearly drove my fiancé away myself, thinking I didn't deserve love. Therapists' rooms all over the world are filled with people suffering the effects of toxic parents.

I would cut them off emotionally while remaining civil and just passing them. Purely because it will be easier for you to remain on talking terms - in my experience people like your parents thrive on drama and I'd say your mother would love a good showdown so she could turn on the waterworks and do the "poor us" act. When I disclosed the abuse to my parents, they labelled me a trouble maker, an alcoholic and even an elder abuser, all because I was rightfully angry. This poster is right - people don't change, and they will tear themselves in two trying to validate their own unhealthy mindsets, rather than change, apologise or even admit they were wrong. And in particular, from experience, it tends to be people from our parents' generation that are the culprits.

It took me years to make peace with how my parents treated me, and to even see from the outside that their behaviour was so abhorrent. When you live with something everyday, it becomes normal and it's very hard to see the wood for the trees. If it wasn't for a very good therapist, my own pervading sense of injustice and the most amazing fiancé, I would probably still be dancing to their toxic tune. You've realised in time what they are like - that's half the battle. You have found happiness, don't let it go and don't let them enslave you.

A toxic thought that tends to be given way too much is this notion of "well it's family". And on this basis, bad behaviour is excused and brushed under the carpet etc. People think that because someone is family, they are allowed to treat others with disrespect. Akin to the "you've only one set of parents". I've always called BS on this. To me, being family sets the bar higher, not lower. We should expect better treatment from family, not worse. If a friend was behaving this way, you'd cut them off I imagine. Family is supposed to build us up, not tear us down.

tldr: cut emotional ties with your toxic parents but remain civil/ on talking terms purely for your own sake.

Katgurl · 22-09-2020 3:20pm

Op,

I'm also from a lifestyle you described and have ended up in a similar situation.

A few things jumped out at me - did you move directly from your own parents house to his? Did you not want to learn to drive before this?

With respect OP you need to cut the apron strings. You are thirty years old (I think). It is also normal to not want to spend time in clubs and shopping nonstop at your.age. There is no need to draw such black and white comparisons between your two lives. Frankly it sounds a bit patronising.

You're getting married and potentially having children of your own. Buy / live wherever you want. You don't need to choose your parents or his parents. You don't need to define yourself as a heartless city slicker or contented country gal.

Living at home, not learning to drive, asking your parents permission to do well anything is just plain weird as an adult. You need to start making your own decisions.

shesty · 22-09-2020 8:04pm

Can I just add.....I am married to an only child, and while his parents are not so controlling, they are very fussy about things and just expect him to fall in line with whatever their wishes happen to be.There are times he just doesn't get a say, or they just dismiss what he says.A couple of things have happened over the years that have been totally out line and frankly, wouldn't have happened if the parent/child balance was not weighted in their favour.They are nice people, they mean well, but they (the mother in particular) have serious problems with boundaries at times.It just doesn't occur to them to think that he isn't 10 years old anymore.

The only thing I can say to you OP, is keep going as is.If you feel up to it, sit down and have a firm conversation with them about some boundaries.I know how hard that is though, from your position. And that nonsense about not learning to drive, ignore it, driving is a life skill, often it is a ticket to great freedom.Pay that no attention.

city girl in the country

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